Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance From the Year 3000 Episode 44

This is a story all about how,

our lives nearly got flipped, turned upside-down.

I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there,

and I'll read you this story from my red easy chair.

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance From the Year 3000 Episode 43

Glorious Godfrey: IIIIIIT'S Time, for Apokalips 's favorite game: APOCKALYPSE BAAAAAAAALLLL!

*Crowd cheers*

Glorious Godfrey: Tonight we have a real treat for you; mortal from the planet earth who think they can stand up to Lord Darksied! Give it up for THE MORONS!

*Crowd boos*

Kanaya: I Hate This Planet

Porrim: And I'm sure the planet hates yo+u back.

Glorious Godfrey: Now, the rules are simple. You must either get past a labyrinth filled with the deadliest traps imaginable, and evade Darksied's mightest warriors armed with lava bats and bring your ball to the opposing team's endzone before they kill you...

Rose: Or?

Glorious Godfrey: ...or you must read this, the worst fanfiction in the universe!

Roxy: ...yeah, i think were gonna go for the ball game.

Glorious Godfrey: Well it's your funeral! Let's get ready to rumbuuuuuuuule! 

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance From the Year 3000 Episode 42

Detective Branflakes: Detective Stapler, the president is going to be here in ten minutes! Have you found any proof that the Nazi Party is funding the North American Man-Boy Love Association?

Detective Stapler I've done better than that; *punches Cronus*

Cronus: Owvwv...

Detective Stapler: This document proves that NAMBA and the Nazi Party are in fact... THE EXACT SAME ORGANIZATION!

*DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUN!*

Detective Stapler:*punches Cronus*

Cronus: Owvwv...

==============

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance From the Year 3000 Episode 41

Big Daddy: *STOMP* *STOMP* *STOMP* *STOMP*

Wolf O'Donnel: Okay, Daddy B. I think this asshole has had enough stomping.

Big Daddy: ...

Wolf O'Donnel: Yeah, you said it. That guy was one hell of a loser! Come on, let's get milkshakes and kickflips off the half-pipe!

Big Daddy: ...

*Wolf and Big Daddy Leave*

Halloweenie: Hmmm? What is THIS? Oh boy, an DEAD BODY! Now I can use the NECRONOMICON EX MORTIS, and start my own zombie army to get revenge on Jake England and those other guys for putting me in such HUMILIATING cameoes!

*Troll Phelous D1 Comes back to Life*

Troll Phelous D1: Did you say Jake English?

Halloweenie: WAAH! I thought you were dead!

Troll Phelous D1: I was, but I got better... because reasons. Now, here's what we're going to do...

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance From the Year 3000 Episode 40

Terezi: NOW TH4T MS P41NT H4S B33N 4V3NG3D W3 C4N G3T B4CK TO M4TT3R 4T H4ND: F1GUR1NG OUT TH3 TRU3 1D3NT1TY OF MON4RCH

Vriska: Oh come on, It's O8VIOUSLY Cronus. I mean he's not 8eing all that su8tle a8out it.

Monarch: Mwva ha-ha! Mwva ha-ha ha-ha! Nowv that I have my hyper death ray, I will send a message to the wvorld by destroying this Starbucks franchise wvhich by a complete coincidence Cronus Ampora (wvo is not me by the way) receivwed an justified lifetime ban from last week!

Terezi: DO3SNT M4TT3R. W3 ST1LL N33D TO DO TH1NGS BY TH3 BOOK

Vriska: Doesn't Alternian law in this sort of situation dictate hunting down the perpetrator and 8eating them to death with a rusty mallet?

Terezi: W3 ST1LL N33D 4 W4RR4NT. NO G3TT1NG 4ROUND TH4T.

Vriska: Fiiiiiiiine. We'll do it your way this time.

Terezi: L3TS ST4RT W1TH TH3 F4CTS. N3P3T4, WH4T 1S TH3 SUSP3CTS CR1M1N4L R3CORD?

Nepeta Leijoin: :33 < *shuffles papurrs* it says here that he has at least a dozen civil suits pending on sexual harassment acquired during his day job as a factory foreman. prior to his disappearance, he swore that he would, and i quote, "make every last one of you heartless bitches pay".

Vriska: Sounds like we have a motive. How about means?

Terezi: WH4T K1ND OF F4CTORY W4S H3 TH3 FOR3M4N OF?

Nepeta: :33 < a time machine factory!

Terezi: 1 GU3SS TH4T WR4PS UP TH3 C4S3 TH3N.

Nepeta: :33 < now was that really so hard?

Vriska: Eh. I guess not.

Terezi: ONLY PROBL3M 1S TH4T 1F W3 GO 4ND K1LL H1M NOW W3LL C4US3 T1M3 P4R4DOX TH4T W1LL 1N 4 B3ST C4S3 SC3N4R1O R3SULT 1N 4 DOOM3D T1M3L1N3

Vriska: Buuuuuuuuut on the plus side, that means we get to requisition as much as we want to take down his future self. And running someone over with a laser death dank is alway a good laugh. 88888888)

Nepeta: I call shotgun!

==============================

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 39

LAST TIME, ON JAKE ENGLISH'S MYSTERIOUS THEATER OF SCIENTIFIC ROMANCE FROM THE YEAR 3000.

Edrobot: Okay so you see this guy named Caius Ballad tried to destroy the timeline and Jake Karkat and Dave tried to stop him but failed but then we learned Caius he was really being mind manipulated by a fictionalized version of Tara Gilesbie, the writer of My Immortal, so everyone went to another dimension and wandered around like a bunch of idiots until they all somehow ended up in the same place and fought her and won. Then it turns out this girl named Electra Pendragon had gone back in time to stop The Great Disaster which The Monitors were worried about (oh and The Monitors are these guys who are supposed to be protecting the universe all of whom were spawned from the first Monitor from Crisis on Infinite Earths when Superboy Prime punched the continuity in Infinite Crisis, but I didn't explain that because it's not important and Grant Morrison retconned it anyway). Now you see there's these two Monitors named Bob and Solomon who are both trying to save the Multiverse, but Solomon is evil and wants to kill everyone who knows about the multiverse while Bob thinks he can save the multiverse by finding Phelous (who's this internet reviewer that I like) because the Source Wall said so. Meanwhile this time-traveling supervillain named Monarch who is totally not Cronus Ampora even though he talks just like him, and the only way to stop him is for Jake English to receive the power of Puma Man from the Secret Wizard, which he also gave to Caliborn for some reason and the Condesce gave some of that corrupted power to Jane Crocker to turn her evil as well. Oh and Caliborn is dead now because he killed Miss Paint and was gunned down by the Suicide Squad, Lant Kreck is now a Green Lantern, Rose Kanaya Roxy and Porrim are stuck on Apokolips, the devil now works for Darkseid, and I can't keep a consistent update schedule to save my life. Also Caius Ballad is a good guy now and he's trying to save the multiverse as well but it's slow going because the Monitors can't agree on anything as illustrated by the running gag from Linkara's "Countdown to Final Crisis" review.

Edrobot: You said it, protagonist from Garzy's Wing.

I have no idea who made this image. In fact I don't think anyone does.

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 38

TRIGGER WARNING: Today's featured story contains an awfully written rape scene. Do not operate pointy implements while under the influence of this fic unless you enjoy gouging your own eyes out.

Caius Ballad: Monitors. I have come from the end of time to deliver a warning; The Great Disaster soon approaches. I have traveled all of the possible timelines, and have discovered but one fact; unless you commit to an action soon, it will destroy you all.

Monitor #1: You've made your point clear, guardian. All Monitors in favor of doing something, say "aye".

Exactly Half of the Monitors: AYE!

Monitor #1: All in favor of doing nothing, say "nay".

The Other Half of the Monitors: NAY!

Monitor #1: I'm sorry to disappoint you Mister Ballad, but I'm afraid that the council is still in deadlock, twenty-five to twenty-five. Perhaps if you were to come at another time, perhaps when Bob and Solomon get back...

Caius: *Summons a black portal underneath Monitor #43, which starts to suck him in.*

Monitor #43: OH GOD THE PAIN! INSECTS, MILLIONS OF THEM, CRAWLING OVER MY SKIN! THEY'RE EATING ME ALIIIIIVE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! *DEAD*

Caius: Count again. It appears you now have a majority vote.

Monitor #1: ...I suppose that's one way to pass legislature. Very well then. Now that we've decided to do something, what is it exactly that we will do?

Monitor #41: I say we build a really, really big gun!

Monitor #32: No, I say we build a Superman robot out of pure thought!

Monitor #44: Why the hell would we do that?

Monitor #32: Why wouldn't we do that? You never know when you'll need one to fight a... I dunno, a multiverse vampire or something?

Monitor #22:  No! I've got a better idea! We can build an intergalactic portal network that we just leave around for some reason!

Montior #18: What if the gun and the superman robot were both portal networks?

Monitor #45: Yeah! That makes perfect sense!

Monitor #22: We should do my thing!

Monitor #3: Should we do his thing?

Monitor #44: We should do my thing!

Monitor #17: Should we do his thing?

Monitor #32: We should do my thing!

Caius: *facepalm*