Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance From the Year 3000 Episode 44

This is a story all about how,

our lives nearly got flipped, turned upside-down.

I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there,

and I'll read you this story from my red easy chair.

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance From the Year 3000 Episode 43

Glorious Godfrey: IIIIIIT'S Time, for Apokalips 's favorite game: APOCKALYPSE BAAAAAAAALLLL!

*Crowd cheers*

Glorious Godfrey: Tonight we have a real treat for you; mortal from the planet earth who think they can stand up to Lord Darksied! Give it up for THE MORONS!

*Crowd boos*

Kanaya: I Hate This Planet

Porrim: And I'm sure the planet hates yo+u back.

Glorious Godfrey: Now, the rules are simple. You must either get past a labyrinth filled with the deadliest traps imaginable, and evade Darksied's mightest warriors armed with lava bats and bring your ball to the opposing team's endzone before they kill you...

Rose: Or?

Glorious Godfrey: ...or you must read this, the worst fanfiction in the universe!

Roxy: ...yeah, i think were gonna go for the ball game.

Glorious Godfrey: Well it's your funeral! Let's get ready to rumbuuuuuuuule! 

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance From the Year 3000 Episode 42

Detective Branflakes: Detective Stapler, the president is going to be here in ten minutes! Have you found any proof that the Nazi Party is funding the North American Man-Boy Love Association?

Detective Stapler I've done better than that; *punches Cronus*

Cronus: Owvwv...

Detective Stapler: This document proves that NAMBA and the Nazi Party are in fact... THE EXACT SAME ORGANIZATION!

*DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUN!*

Detective Stapler:*punches Cronus*

Cronus: Owvwv...

==============

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance From the Year 3000 Episode 41

Big Daddy: *STOMP* *STOMP* *STOMP* *STOMP*

Wolf O'Donnel: Okay, Daddy B. I think this asshole has had enough stomping.

Big Daddy: ...

Wolf O'Donnel: Yeah, you said it. That guy was one hell of a loser! Come on, let's get milkshakes and kickflips off the half-pipe!

Big Daddy: ...

*Wolf and Big Daddy Leave*

Halloweenie: Hmmm? What is THIS? Oh boy, an DEAD BODY! Now I can use the NECRONOMICON EX MORTIS, and start my own zombie army to get revenge on Jake England and those other guys for putting me in such HUMILIATING cameoes!

*Troll Phelous D1 Comes back to Life*

Troll Phelous D1: Did you say Jake English?

Halloweenie: WAAH! I thought you were dead!

Troll Phelous D1: I was, but I got better... because reasons. Now, here's what we're going to do...

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance From the Year 3000 Episode 40

Terezi: NOW TH4T MS P41NT H4S B33N 4V3NG3D W3 C4N G3T B4CK TO M4TT3R 4T H4ND: F1GUR1NG OUT TH3 TRU3 1D3NT1TY OF MON4RCH

Vriska: Oh come on, It's O8VIOUSLY Cronus. I mean he's not 8eing all that su8tle a8out it.

Monarch: Mwva ha-ha! Mwva ha-ha ha-ha! Nowv that I have my hyper death ray, I will send a message to the wvorld by destroying this Starbucks franchise wvhich by a complete coincidence Cronus Ampora (wvo is not me by the way) receivwed an justified lifetime ban from last week!

Terezi: DO3SNT M4TT3R. W3 ST1LL N33D TO DO TH1NGS BY TH3 BOOK

Vriska: Doesn't Alternian law in this sort of situation dictate hunting down the perpetrator and 8eating them to death with a rusty mallet?

Terezi: W3 ST1LL N33D 4 W4RR4NT. NO G3TT1NG 4ROUND TH4T.

Vriska: Fiiiiiiiine. We'll do it your way this time.

Terezi: L3TS ST4RT W1TH TH3 F4CTS. N3P3T4, WH4T 1S TH3 SUSP3CTS CR1M1N4L R3CORD?

Nepeta Leijoin: :33 < *shuffles papurrs* it says here that he has at least a dozen civil suits pending on sexual harassment acquired during his day job as a factory foreman. prior to his disappearance, he swore that he would, and i quote, "make every last one of you heartless bitches pay".

Vriska: Sounds like we have a motive. How about means?

Terezi: WH4T K1ND OF F4CTORY W4S H3 TH3 FOR3M4N OF?

Nepeta: :33 < a time machine factory!

Terezi: 1 GU3SS TH4T WR4PS UP TH3 C4S3 TH3N.

Nepeta: :33 < now was that really so hard?

Vriska: Eh. I guess not.

Terezi: ONLY PROBL3M 1S TH4T 1F W3 GO 4ND K1LL H1M NOW W3LL C4US3 T1M3 P4R4DOX TH4T W1LL 1N 4 B3ST C4S3 SC3N4R1O R3SULT 1N 4 DOOM3D T1M3L1N3

Vriska: Buuuuuuuuut on the plus side, that means we get to requisition as much as we want to take down his future self. And running someone over with a laser death dank is alway a good laugh. 88888888)

Nepeta: I call shotgun!

==============================

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 39

LAST TIME, ON JAKE ENGLISH'S MYSTERIOUS THEATER OF SCIENTIFIC ROMANCE FROM THE YEAR 3000.

Edrobot: Okay so you see this guy named Caius Ballad tried to destroy the timeline and Jake Karkat and Dave tried to stop him but failed but then we learned Caius he was really being mind manipulated by a fictionalized version of Tara Gilesbie, the writer of My Immortal, so everyone went to another dimension and wandered around like a bunch of idiots until they all somehow ended up in the same place and fought her and won. Then it turns out this girl named Electra Pendragon had gone back in time to stop The Great Disaster which The Monitors were worried about (oh and The Monitors are these guys who are supposed to be protecting the universe all of whom were spawned from the first Monitor from Crisis on Infinite Earths when Superboy Prime punched the continuity in Infinite Crisis, but I didn't explain that because it's not important and Grant Morrison retconned it anyway). Now you see there's these two Monitors named Bob and Solomon who are both trying to save the Multiverse, but Solomon is evil and wants to kill everyone who knows about the multiverse while Bob thinks he can save the multiverse by finding Phelous (who's this internet reviewer that I like) because the Source Wall said so. Meanwhile this time-traveling supervillain named Monarch who is totally not Cronus Ampora even though he talks just like him, and the only way to stop him is for Jake English to receive the power of Puma Man from the Secret Wizard, which he also gave to Caliborn for some reason and the Condesce gave some of that corrupted power to Jane Crocker to turn her evil as well. Oh and Caliborn is dead now because he killed Miss Paint and was gunned down by the Suicide Squad, Lant Kreck is now a Green Lantern, Rose Kanaya Roxy and Porrim are stuck on Apokolips, the devil now works for Darkseid, and I can't keep a consistent update schedule to save my life. Also Caius Ballad is a good guy now and he's trying to save the multiverse as well but it's slow going because the Monitors can't agree on anything as illustrated by the running gag from Linkara's "Countdown to Final Crisis" review.

Edrobot: You said it, protagonist from Garzy's Wing.

I have no idea who made this image. In fact I don't think anyone does.

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 38

TRIGGER WARNING: Today's featured story contains an awfully written rape scene. Do not operate pointy implements while under the influence of this fic unless you enjoy gouging your own eyes out.

Caius Ballad: Monitors. I have come from the end of time to deliver a warning; The Great Disaster soon approaches. I have traveled all of the possible timelines, and have discovered but one fact; unless you commit to an action soon, it will destroy you all.

Monitor #1: You've made your point clear, guardian. All Monitors in favor of doing something, say "aye".

Exactly Half of the Monitors: AYE!

Monitor #1: All in favor of doing nothing, say "nay".

The Other Half of the Monitors: NAY!

Monitor #1: I'm sorry to disappoint you Mister Ballad, but I'm afraid that the council is still in deadlock, twenty-five to twenty-five. Perhaps if you were to come at another time, perhaps when Bob and Solomon get back...

Caius: *Summons a black portal underneath Monitor #43, which starts to suck him in.*

Monitor #43: OH GOD THE PAIN! INSECTS, MILLIONS OF THEM, CRAWLING OVER MY SKIN! THEY'RE EATING ME ALIIIIIVE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! *DEAD*

Caius: Count again. It appears you now have a majority vote.

Monitor #1: ...I suppose that's one way to pass legislature. Very well then. Now that we've decided to do something, what is it exactly that we will do?

Monitor #41: I say we build a really, really big gun!

Monitor #32: No, I say we build a Superman robot out of pure thought!

Monitor #44: Why the hell would we do that?

Monitor #32: Why wouldn't we do that? You never know when you'll need one to fight a... I dunno, a multiverse vampire or something?

Monitor #22:  No! I've got a better idea! We can build an intergalactic portal network that we just leave around for some reason!

Montior #18: What if the gun and the superman robot were both portal networks?

Monitor #45: Yeah! That makes perfect sense!

Monitor #22: We should do my thing!

Monitor #3: Should we do his thing?

Monitor #44: We should do my thing!

Monitor #17: Should we do his thing?

Monitor #32: We should do my thing!

Caius: *facepalm*

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 37

MEANWHILE, IN DEATH VALLEY,

CALIBORN AND LUX LEXOR ARE ON A MAGICAL JOURNEY

OF SELF-DISCOVERY, WHERE THEY MUST LEARN TO OVERCOME

THEIR DIFFERENCES TO SURVIVE

Caliborn: YOu'RE SO GAAAAAY.

Lux Lexor: Shut up.

Caliborn: GAAAAAAAAAY.

Lux Lexor: Shut up.

Caliborn: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.

Lux: Xkay, first xf all I'm nxt gay, I'm 'Pansexual'. Secxnd, a hate-crush is a perfectly normal thing fxr a Trxll my ageitude tx have, even if it is with sxmexne outside my xwn species.

Caliborn: I'M SORRY I CAN'T HEAR YOu BECAuSE OF HOW GAY YOu SOuND. DID I MENTION YOu'RE GAY? BECAuSE YOu ARE. GAY. AND THAT MEANS YOu SUCK! DICK! BECAuSE YOu'RE GAY! HA HA AH AH AH AH AH AH AH!

Lux: Gxg, if xnly yxu'd just die xf a gunshxt wxund xr sxmething.

*BANG*

Calborn: *DEAD*

Lux: ...um, I mean if xnly yxu expirated due tx a millixn dxllars falling xn yxur head.

*BANG*

Lux: GAAAH! MY LEG!

The Great And Powerful Trixie: Good work, team. Thanks to my leadership, the Suicide Squad has accomplished another sucessful mission!

Sho Minamimoto = √(SOCATOA!)

Gamzee: NoW CoMe oN, wE CaN'T KeEp tHe bOsS WaItInG. sHe sAiD To cApTuRe tHeSe mOtHeRfUcKeRs dEaD Or aLiVe aNd tHaT'S JuSt wHaT We'rE GoNnA Do.

Lux: Wait, weren't yxu the judge at my trial?

Gamzee: YeAh, I'M PrEtTy mUlTiTaLeNtEd.

Lux: ...If I accused yxu xf cxrruptixn, wxuld I get a retrial? 

Gamzee: PrObAbLy nOt.

Lux: ...sx it gxes.

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 36

Monarch: people of earth! unless you surrender to my demands and delivwer to me all the money in the wvorld to me, monarch, wvho is not cronus ampora, you'll nevwer see your belovwed san francisco again! MONARCH HAS SPOKEN!

Tavros Nitram: uHH, iF WE DID THAT WOULDN'T IT BE COMPLETELY WORTHLESS BECAUSE OF SIMPLE ECONOMICS,

Monarch: HA! i, monarch, wvho is not cronus ampora, scoff at such a ludicrous suggestion that i, monarch, could be wvrong about anything! in fact, i, monarch, and not cronus ampora, nowv decree that the more plentiful something is the more it is wvorth. AND I CAN TOTALLY DO THAT BECAUSE TIME TRAVEL!

Jake English: Not so fast, monarch! Your days of violating the laws of supply and demand are over!

Monarch: finally! wvhat took you guys so long to get here?

Dave: we got stuck doing a crossover to pimp out some story the producer wrote.

Karkat: NOW WHAT'S YOUR PLAN, ANYWAY? IT'S GOING TO BE SOMETHING SELFISH AND STUPID, ISN'T IT?

Monarch: Far from it! After I conquer your pathetic planet, I will scour it for The Worlogog, an artifact that contains a microcosm of our own univwerse! Then, using it, I will travel back in time to the beginning of creation, where I wvill become a god-

Karkat: YEP. SELFISH AND STUPID, JUST LIKE I SAID.

Pinkie Pie: You and Dr. Mrs. The Monarch will never get away with this!-+-

Monarch: ...wvho?

Pinkie Pie: You know... your wife. Arn't you that guy from The Venture Brothers?

Monarch: ...wvha? NO! That's THE Monarch. I'm just Monarch. Totally different.

Pinkie: Riiiiight...

Jake: Come on, chaps! Cry havoc, and let loose the dogs of war!

Monarch: HA! But don't you see? I can nevwer be defeated as long as I havwe THIS! 

Jake: *GASP* The cliffhanger induction device!? By jove!

Monarch: Yes! Wvach helplessly, mortals, as your destinies spiral out of control before your vwery eyes!

Karkat: OH COME ON! YOU DON'T AUTOMATICALLY WIN JUST BECAUSE THE BATTLE HAPPENS OFFSCR-

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 30

Grunt #3087: Kill the demons! Kill the- *gets shot to death a bajillion times*

Gaz: Looks like last of em. 

Lux Lexor: Finally... my pxditries are just killing me...

Sho Minamimoto = √( Looks can be deceving. You never know when there's a hidden factor involved.)

Gaz: Yep. Trixie, you and math boy scout on ahead while I look for a power source. Idiot, you into that abandoned building over there and search for supplied.

Lux: Questixn: Why are yxu calling me an idixt?

The Great and Powerful Trixe: Because you are one. 

Lux: Fair enxugh. 

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 29

Meulin: \(=^..^)/

Rose: That's right, Meulin. It's about time we get a character focus episode. 

Roxy: i know right? i just hope the producer hasn't run good ideas yet.

Sollux: oh come on what are the odd2 of that?

Wolf O'Donnel: Yo yo yo, Wolfie D and Daddy B are in da HOUSE!

Big Daddy: ...

Sollux: never miind.

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 28

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Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 27

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Last time, on Jake Englishs' Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the year 3000...

Phelous: Okay, it's time for me to review fanfiction because Jake English isn't here which automatically means I get to steal his show. So today we're going to read this copy of Fifty Shades of Gray that I found in an ancient Indian burial ground!

Obscuras Lupa: No, you fool! You'll destroy us allllllll!

Phelous: *Pfft* What's the worst that could happen.

*Cut to Darkdeath Evilman standing in the ruins of Phelous' house*

Darkdeath Evilman: Fools! Now that you have released me from my eternal slumber, I, Darkdeath Evilman, of Orgy XIII, shall bring ruin upon this pathetic planet!

Phelous: Hmm, maybe I shoudln't have drawn that pentagram before I started reading...

*Cut to Lux Lexor tied to a chair in an interrogation room*

Lux Lexor: Huh? What? Where am I?

Twilight Sparkle: Good evening, criminal. You have been forcefully drafted into Task Force X, better known as the Suicide Squad.

*Cut to Sho Minamimoto, The Great and Powerful Trixie, Gaz and Lux Lexor fighting covenant soldiers with machine guns*

Twilight (voiceover): Your mission; destroy Darkdeath Evilman before his armies breach the earth's core.

*Cut to Dr. Insano showing Sho a piece of paper*

Dr. Insano: Look carefully, the owls are not what they seem!

*Cut to an owl transforming into giant robot and then killing Phelous*

Phelous: OOOOOH MYYYY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD! *DEAD*

*Cut to Caius Ballad and Kotomine Kirei playing chess*

Caius: How long must we play this game, priest? Eventually, all things must come to an end...

Kotomine: Checkma†e.

Caius: ...Best two out of three?

*Cut to a shadowy throne room somewhere*

Jade Edwards: -|----- My lady, the Canadian one has took the bait. Darkdeath Evilman has been unleashed into realspace.

Prophet Gilesbie: kawaiicelent!!!! thos prepz wont' know what him them unthull its toolate. lol!

Jade Edwards: -|----- Yes... L-O-L indeed...

*Cut to Jade Edwards and Bladevash Dragonfang having a conversation somewhere in The Ways Between*

Bladevash Dragonfang: I still say we should jump her while we have the chance...

Jade E.: -|----- Paitence, Vash. Just string her a long a little longer, and soon the throne will be mine...

Bladevash Dragonfang: ...you mean "ours", right?

Jade E.: -|----- ...yes. That is exactly what I said.

Bladevash Dragonfang: But what of the boy who lived... through SBURB... who is not Jake English?

Jade E.: -|----- I would prepare yourself for battle at the earliest possible convenience. And be warned, he may look like a pushover, but he is more powerful than one might expect...

*Cut to Alfred Smith thrashing about in an amazon basin*

Alfred Smith: Oh my god I'm covered in leeches! Get em off me get em off me get em off me! STOP

And now, for the exciting conclusion.

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 25

"Future events, such as these, will effect you in the future." -Nostradamus

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===== Last time, on "A Game of Thrones" =====

Edrobot: Last time, on "A Game of Thrones".

Caliborn: YES, I HAVE WON THE GAME OF THRONES!

Gamzee: No, JoHn. YoU ArE ThE MoThErFuCkInG GaMe oF ThRoNeS.

Caliborn: OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

===== Meanwhile, at the Bad Idea Factory =====

Tavros Nitram: sO, uHH, wHERE ARE WE EXACTLY,

Kanaya Maryam: Given What The Trasition Text Says I Would Assume We Are In A Place Called The Bad Idea Factory

John: i guess that would explain all the machinery. but what are they making?

Kankri: It appears t9 6e un9ffical ficti9n 9f vaguely equine cart99n characters that are, f9r increasingly flimsy reas9ns (trigger warning f9r er9t9ph96es) perf9rming h9m9er9tic sex acts.

John: what?

Kanaya: He Says This Entire Factory Was Built To Do Nothing But Print My Little Pony Slash Fic

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 24

Edrobot: Last time, on JEMToSRFtY3k; Lant Kreck and Alfred Smith were stuck in a forest somewhere but now they arn't. That's about it, really.

Lant Kreck: So... where are we now? 

Alfred Smith: It appears to be some sort of village. Perhaps inhabited by an indigenous tribe of hunter-gatherers...

Lant: An indigenous tribe of hunter-gatherers with a pepsi machine *points to pepsi machine*?

Alfred: Stranger things have happened...

???: Halt! Who goes there?

Alfred: Uh, Lant? I think a little girl is pointing an enormous spear at us.

Lant: Looks like it.

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 23

"I WAS FROZEN, TODAY!"

-Ghandi

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Karkat: UUUGH... MY HEAD FEELS LIKE IT'S IN A TRASH COMPACTOR... DID I JUST DIE AND GO TO TROLL HEAVEN?

Pinkie Pie: Karkat! You're finally awake! Hooray! ^0^

Dave: took you long enough.

Karkat: NOPE. LOOKS LIKE I ENDED UP IN THE OTHER PLACE.

Dave: seriously though. all kidding aside where the hell are we??

Jake: We're in the "labyrinth of bliss", a demiplane located in the 1.33rd dimension between two particles of time where the prophet gilesbie's whims become reality, and the only physical law is what one truly believes in their heart of hearts.

Karkat: WHERE'D YOU LEARN ALL THIS?

Jake: It wasn printed on that plaque over by the gift shop. They've got some really neat stuff! Look; a t-shirt that says 'i was obliterated by the prophet gilesbie and all i got was this t-shirt'!

Karkat: HOW CHEERY.

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 22

Episode 22

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Jake English: Today's the day we finally confront caius ballad once and for all!

Kankri: Very well, 6ut first you need t9 attend this "christmas" party.

Karkat Vantas: WHY?

Kankri: 6ecause it w9uld 6e extremely rude n9t t9, and 9ur n9n-presence w9uld als9 help t9 f9ster the n9ti9n 9f it 6eing a "6l99d-class exclusive" affair. And I'm afraid it w9uld 9nly be a slippery sl9pe fr9m there t9 full-9n dep9tism...

Dave: that and our contract says we have to do a christmas special.

Karkat: *facepalm*

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 21

No, I did not actually draw this.

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LAST TIME, ON JAKE ENGLISH'S MYSTERIOUS THEATER OF SCIENTIFIC ROMANCE FROM THE YEAR 3000:

Jake: We have to stop the HoundFox virus!

Dave: done. now what?

Kankri: I'm 6aking c99kies.

Dave: okay lets do that.

And now, for the thrilling conclusion!

Kankri: Karkat, you're d9ing it all wr9ng. Y9u have t9 stir the 6atter cl9ck-ways.

Karkat Vantas: WHAT NO. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT WAY YOU STIR IT, IT ALL ENDS UP THE SAME.

Kankri: 6ut y9u w9nt learn anything if y9u keep changing directi9ns, 9r rather y9ull learn t9 d9 it in a su6-par fasshi9n that varies the quality 9f each 6atch. Y9ull never 6ecome a pr9fessi9nal chef at this rate.

Karkat: I DON'T WANT TO BE A CHEF, I JUST WANT TO GET THIS DONE WITH SO I CAN GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM YOU AND YOUR INCESSANT BLATHERING.

Kankri: It seems like s9me9ne needs m9re the9l9gy and ge9metry in his lfie. W9uldn't y9u agree, Strider?

Dave: im sorry what? i cant hear you with these headphones on ad these mixers running.

Kankri: Ineed. N9w, t9 6egin with...

Karkat: OH GOD I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE. JAKE, YOU HAVE MORE OF THAT PONY STORY?

Jake: Right here! 

Karkat: START READING IT, THEN. ANYTHING BETTER THAN THIS IDIOT'S RANTINGS.