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*and then The Devil from dinosaur comics appeared in front of them somehow*
Jake: Oh poppycock.
The Devil: OH HEY GUYS. YOU'RE REVIEWING HELLSTORM EVANGELION TODAY?
Dave: well we are now.
The Devil: GREAT! DID YOU KNOW I WAS CONSULTED FOR THIS FIC, AND I GAVE THE AUTHOR A LOT OF ADVICE ABOUT MY CHARACTER.
Karkat: THAT EXPLAINS A LOT.
The Devil: YEP. OH YEAH, AND I NEED TO KILL OFF A RECURRING CHARACTER TODAY. THE EXECUTIVES THINK IT'LL BOOST OUR SHOW'S RAITINGS.
Karkat: EXECUTIVES? WHAT EXECUTIVES?
=====MEANWHILE=====
*Edrobot is sitting in an empy room, wearing a suit and talking to a Tonberry plush.*
Edrobot: Okay guys, our company's reputation is down the tubes. What do we do?
*listens to Tonberry plush.*
Edrobot: What? Always-on DRM and Microtransations? Brilliant idea, Berthold! You always come up with the best ideas!
=================
Hellstorm Evangelion
Part 2: The new Kid
by - Issei malatoun
NOTE - All right! Here's the second part of this awesome series! You ready for some KICK ASS action??
Karkat: YES, I WOULD MUCH RATHER BE WATCHING KICK-ASS RIGHT NOW.
This part will be even more exciitng than the last........... It even have FAN SERVICE!!!
Karkat: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I hope you really like it!!!!
*****************
Shinji was having the dream again.
*****************
Shinji was having the dream again.
Dave: are you talking about the naked in class dream the naked asuka dream or the naked asuka in class dream??
it had been ten nights since he kiucked Ramamama
Pinkie: Do dooooo, do-do-do! ^O^
Dave: ramamama.
Pinkie: Do do-do, do! ^O^
Dave: ramamama.
Pinkie: Do dooooo, do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do do do do, do! ^O^
Karkat: I DONT GET IT.
Dave:
Dave:
's ass and the dream kept on coming. All that it was was the devil laughing at him and a fire burning EVA 1 and Shinji was inside!
Karkat: OH IS THAT ALL?
Shinji alwauys woke up from dreams like this with sweat all ofver his body and wet underwer.
Karkat: AND HE'S STILL PISSING HIMSELF. OF COURSE.
Dave: unless it was the other kind of wet.
Karkat: CAN YOU CUT IT OUT WITH THE SEX JOKES ALREADY?
He cryed sometimes.
Jake: Now you see, this is what we call "character development". Shinji has fallen into a spiral of self loathing thanks to a combination of his own personal problems, as well as the strain of having to fight apocalyptic threats day after day. But while in the series proper he bottled up his emotions, by the this story takes place Shinji is now more comfortable with expressing himself, no doubt thanks to his short-lived relationship with Kawou.
Dave: so basically he went from emo to crybaby.
Jake: ...well not all character development is positive.
So when Shinji got up to fix hiself some barekfast, he notised that Mistao was nowhere to be seen!
So when Shinji got up to fix hiself some barekfast, he notised that Mistao was nowhere to be seen!
Pinkie: Today, on Evangelion Detective: "The Case of the Missing Misato"! ^0^
Dave: evangelion detective??? thats got to be the stupidest thing ive oh wait nevermind its real.
All that was left was Penen, the pengin who who was also looking for food. Shinji went into Mistaio's bedroom and found a note. it said Shinji, I went to Hyuuga's house for the night. Please feed penpen in the morning.
Pinkie: Another case solve by the Evangeion Detective! Tune in next week, when Shinji investigatis the murder of Andrew Hussie!
Shinji Ikari: We won't need to go far, inspector. For the culprit was none other than Lord English!
Lord English: IMPOSSIBLE! IT WAS THE PERFECT CRIME! HOW COULD YOU HAVE KNOWN!?
Shinji: Elementary my dear English. The fire you set in the hallway as a distraction was caused by a lit cigar. Specifcally, an Emerald Sunstone Cigar, a brand that you are quite fond of I believe.
Lord English: CIRCUMSTANTIAL EVIDENCE, THAT'S ALL YOU GOT!
Shinji: We also found this video of you dancing around in the dining hall carrying the skull of Andrew Hussie, bragging about how you had killed him in cold blood.
Lord English: ...I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE PUT THAT ON YOUTUBE.
Karkat: MOVING ON...
Just then the fone rang and shinji picked it up.
"Hello?????" he Sayed.
Pinkie: Seven days. @_@
"Hi Shinji this is the devil again!!!!"
"What do you want, you jackass???"
"Just wanta let you know that the nexdt attack will be to day. have a nice day." and then he hung up.
Dave: you know for the living embodiment of sin an hubris the devil is actually kinda polite.
The Devil: THANK YOU.
"Shit!!!!!!!!!!" shinji yelled as he ran into his room and put on asome clothes.
Karkat: SOMEHOW I GET THE FEELING THAT THE AUTHOR'S IDEA OF A(WE)SOME CLOTHES IS JUST THE STUFF THEY WORE IN "THE MATRIX".
He then grabedx his headphones and put on some Woo Tang and ran out like a flash!!!
Dave: the wu tang clan? man i almost forgot about those guys. you know the most ironically cool thing about them is that they all had stupid names like rza gza method man raekwon ghostface killah inspectah deck u-god masta killa and ol' dirty bastard. just goes to show that even professionals can come up with the most hilarious shit when theyre trying to be dead serious.
*****************
It took Shinji ten ours to make it to Nerv since he to run since he didn;'t have a car.
Karkat: AND OF COURSE TAKING THE BUS WAS NOT AN OPTION BECAUSE NOBODY EVER DOES ANYTHING SMART IN THESE STORIES.
When he got there, Misato and Hyuga were talking to a pale little kid wearing a black Rage Aganst the Machineshirt.
Dave: rage against the machine-shirt. sounds like a 90s superhero.
he had bleu eyes and green hair. Shinji couldn't hear what they were satying.
Misato say Shinji and sayed "Hi Shinji!!!!! Come here and meet your new patrner!!"
Shinji sayed "PARTNER?!?!?!?!?!?!?! This little KID??!??????"
Jake: Thus begins the first major story arc of hellstorm evangelion, a loving homage to the "buddy cop" subgenre, which of course starts with shinji getting an unwanted partner.
Whenever he sayed that, the little kid giot a HUGE HAMMER and smashed Shinji over the head.
Karkat: KILLING HIM INSTANTLY.
Dave: i like this kid already
Shinji went to the floor and began shaking. The little boy laughed and sayed "My name is Issei Malatioun, the 6th child.
Jake: With the reveal of the 6th child having the same name as the work's supposed author we discover that this is actually an in-universe document that probably has several inaccuracies.
Karkat: EITHER THAT OR ISSEI IS A BLATANT SELF-INSERT MARY SUE.
I may be only 12
Dave: which means you really shouldn't be watching evangelion.
but I'm 1000 times smarter than you, bro!!!!"
Dave: which sadly is probably true.
Shinji got up and yelled "I can't work with this guy!!!!" Shinji knew that it shoudl have been KAORU who was his partner, not this little bastard!!!
Jake: Shinji, being the "old cop" of the duo, initially refuses.
Mistao shaked her head and sayed "Tough titty Shinji you can't CHOOSE your partner we do.
Jake: But of course, misato, playing the role of "da chief" (as the role is colloquially referred to) forces him to take the partner anyway under threat of expulsion.
Pinkie: That's it, Shinji, you're off the case! Turn in your badge, now!
And with all of the other kids either dead or..." She stopped cuz the alarm was going off.
A voice from the speaker sayed "SECOND DEMON COMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Pinkie: Quick! Everypony start running around in a circle screaming! Like this! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
"Shit!!! That's what I came to wanr tyou guys about!! The devil sent the 2nd demon today! he told me when he called!!"
Karkat: GEE, IT'S ALMOST AS IF RUNNING TO THE BASE WITHOUT TAKING A TAXI OR CALLING AHEAD OR SOMETHING WAS A BAD IDEA.
Misato sayed "WHAT?!? the devil called OUR HOUSE?!?!?!?!?!?!?"
Issei sayed "This looks bad doesnt it? Well we'd better be off Shinji. We got some Demon ass to kick!!!!!!"
Shinji sayed "Hell no! I'm not working with a little brat like you!!!!!"
Dave: but of course the plot cant move forward without its mary sue dragging it along so everyone came to isseis aid.
Issei yelled "Quit arguing you little prick!!! We got work to do!!!"
Misato sayed "Listen to issei! He's making more sense than you!!!"
Shinji shook his head and sayed "Nononononono!!!!"
Karkat: SERIOUSLY THOUGH, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL HERE? YEAH THE KID'S KIND OF ANNOYING, BUT THE FUCKING WORLD IS AT STAKE HERE. IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT HIS SAFETY, HE WOULDN'T BE HERE UNLESS HE WAS EITHER BATTLE-READY, OR IF THERE WAS LITERALLY NO OTHER CHOICE. BUT SINCE YOU CLEARLY HATE HIS GUTS, THEN JUST STAY OUT OF THE WAY AND LET THE ANGEL KILL HIM. I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT I THINK I LIKED SHINJI'S CHARACTERIZATION IN CHAPTER 1 BETTER. YEAH HE'S STILL A CRYBABY WHO PISSES HIS PANTS REPEATEDLY, BUT HE'S AT LEAST WILLING TO PUT THE FATE OF THE WORLD IN FRONT OF HIS OWN FEELINGS. WHICH BY THE WAY IS SOMETHING THAT HE'S BEEN STRUGGLING WITH IN CANON. NOW HIS CHARACTER IS JUST REGRESSING WITHOUT ANY CLEAR REASON.
That made Misato desperate! She opened up her jacket and thre it to the ground! Then she unbuttoned her shirt and let Shinji look at her HUGE tits. Shinji stared at them and had a noseblleed then past out.
Karkat: THEN AGAIN, GIVEN THE QUALITY OF THE WRITING MAYBE I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL THAT THERE'S ANY CHARACTERIZATION AT ALL.
"Drag him to the entry plug Issei................" she sayed as she put her shirt back on.
Dave: yeah. make him fight against his free will. that totally never backfired before.
Issei picked him up and wiped the blood off his face and sayed "Sure gorgeous!!!"
*****************
Issei got into EVA 2 and Shinji got into EVA 1. Shinji was so pissed! he got so excitid about seeing Misato's thingies that he was drug into the EVA. He would have to fight with that little brat.
Karkat: TIP FOR THE DEMONS. JUST TAKE A SUCCUBUS AND MAKE IT REALLY FUCKING HUGE, AND YOU'LL DEFEAT SHINJI NO PROBLEM.
Dave: especially if it has his mothers face.
Karkat: SHUT UP, YOU.
Dave: hey im just sayin.
Issei sayed ofer the intercom "Hey Shinji hope you're ready for the fight!!!"
Shinji didn't say anything back. He was too pissed.
"EVA'S UNIT ONE AND TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LAUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Jake: The fact that Issei is piloting EVA-02 may seem like a plot hole, but there is a retroactive precedent for it. In Rebuild 2.0, Mari Illustrious Makinami is not only able to pilot the EVA-02 just fine, but can even activate a hidden super-mode of some sort. The exact reasons for this are unknown, Issei's true nature (which is revealed later down the line) might shed some light on this issue.
Dave: tdlr; mary sues being able to pilot unit 2 is already canon. deal with it.
The 2 Eva's were now on Tokyo 3 and there was the demon.
Jake: This demon is of course is a refrence to the balrog of the lord of the rings movie, which comes directly from the lord of the rings books, which comes from some obscure mythological thing I quite recall at the moment. Gaze upon it's majesty, dear fellows!
he was totally blank and was made of nothing but FIRE! He was so bright that both kids almost went blind from looking at it!
Dave: yeah i think the movie did it better.
"My name is Gapos!!!!" it sayed in a scary voice.
Eva 2 stood still but Shinji was so pissed that he didn't pay atentioon. "DIE!!!!!!!" he yelled and he ran to it and tryed to grab it. But since ity was made of fire, it burned the hands ofEva 1 and Shinji yelled and ran away.
Pinkie: ^_^
"Think before you act stupid!!!" Issei shouted and grabed his knife. he set the cordinates to -10000 degress on the knife and threw it to the demon.
Karkat: FOR THE MOMENT LET'S IGNORE THE MORONICNESS OF "SETTING THE COORDINATES OF A KNIFE, AND SET ASIDE THE QUESTION OF WHY HE HAS A FREEZING KNIFE ANYWAY. NO, THE BIG PROBLEM I HAVE HERE IS THAT -10000 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT (BECAUSE THE WRITER IS OBVIOUSLY AMERICAN AND THUS DOESN'T UNDERSTAND CELSIUS) WOULD BE 5300 DEGREES BELOW KELVIN. WHICH IS COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE LAST TIME I CHECKED, AS NOTHING, AND I MEAN NOTHING CAN GO BELOW ABSOLUTE ZERO.
Dave: gurren lagann is all about doing the impossible seeing the invisible and kicking reason to the curb.
Karkat: ...THIS IS EVANGELION. GURREN LAGANN HASN'T EVEN BEEN MADE YET.
Dave: oh. in that case i have no fucking cue.
It went into the demons stomach and Gapos yelled.
"You damn kid!!!!!!" It yelled "I'll tear you apart!!!!!!"
Pinkie:
he then sent some flames at the two evas and it burned both boys. They both cryed and yelled!
Issei shouted to Shinji "Shinji................ we need something that kills fire!!!!!"
Jake: Now is the point where, backed against the wall, the rookie cop and the veteran cop need to team up to survive.
After that Shinji knew what to do he jumped away from the fire and went behind a bilding and grabed a GIANT fire hose.
Karkat: OH YEAH, BECAUSE WATER IS WAY MORE EFFECTIVE AGAINST A MONSTER THAN A KNIFE THAT BREAKS THE LAWS OF PHYSICS.
The demon went to Shinji and threw all of its fire at him but Shinji threw tjhe hose over to Issei befroe he did.
Issei turned on the hose and pointed it at Gapos! It made the Demon turn into smoke as it screamed in pane and agony.
Dave: laaame.
"I'll.....get..........you......!!!!!" Gapos said as it died.
Pinkie: I'll get you next time, inspector gadget! Next tiiiiiime! o/-\o
The boys shouted "EXCELLENT!" at the same time.
Pinkie:
the seocnd demon was DEAD!
Jake: And thus, having saved the day through teamwork, the two cops have formed an unbreakable bond of trust that will last for eternity. Or at least until one of them gets killed three days before retirement, giving the other an excuse to brood in front of his bright eyed and bushy tailed new partner.
*****************
As Shinji went into his house he went straight into his room. He jumped on his bed but when he did someone said "ouch!!!" Shinji got up and saw that Issei was lying on the bed!
Dave: this story has taken a turn for the awkward.
"ISSEI!! WHAT are you doing in my bed?!?!"
"Lying down!" Isei sayed.
Pinkie: Nope, no rimshot this time. It wasn't even funny. -_-
"I KNOW THAT! But your in MY bed!!!!"
Misato came in and sayed "Issei will be living with us from now on! Deal with it!!"
Dave: misato is such a good mother isnt she??
"But I don't WANT to live with a creep like him!"
Karkat: THE FEELING IS MUTUAL.
Issei sayed "I dont either but life's tough. Now quit worrying about thjis shit and start worrying about the demons!!!"
Misato sayed "Be nice to Isei wile hes here. Who knows you two may become lovers!!"
Jake: I would just like to remind our viewers that jake english's mysterious theater from the year 3000 does not endorse, approve of, or condone pedophilia in any way whatsoever.
Shinji sayed "WHAT?!? But I'm not gay!!"
Karkat: IS THAT REALLY THE FIRST THING THAT COMES INTO YOUR MIND?
he sayed even tho he knew that was a lie! he only loved kaoru though so he wasn't going to fall in love with Issei either!!!
Issei sayed "But I am. Why do you think I didn't have a nosebleed whe Misato showed me her tits?!?"
Karkat: ...BECAUSE THE THING ABOUT NOSEBLEEDS IS AN OLD WIVES TALE WITHOUT ANY BASIS IN REALITY?
Misato then gave Issei a noogie and sayed "Hey you!!!" The two laughed while Shinji watched them until he syarted laughing too. Maybe life with Issei wouldn't be THAT bad!!!
Dave: you have no idea dude. no idea.
*****************
To be cont.
That's it! Now I'm not going to make the love between Issei and Shinji TOO mushy...
Karkat: HE'S TWELVE YEARS OLD DAMN IT.
there will still be LOADS of fights between Eva's and Demons. Watch out for the next part....................someone important is going to DIE!!
The Devil: ALLRIGHT, ENOUGH JIBBER JABBER. WHICH ONE OF YOU GUYS ARE YOU GOING TO BUMP OFF? THE RATINGS AREN'T GOING TO IMPROVE THEMSELVES YOU KNOW.
Jake: Yes. And I've decided on... troll phelous robo alter guy! Or whatever his name is!
Troll Phelous Robo Alter Guy: AAAA HE'S STILL STOMPING ON MY SPINE! WHY DOES IT STILL HURT?
The Devil: I DUNNO, DUDE. NOBODY CARES ABOUT THAT GUY, I DOUBT WE CAN REALLY GENERATE MUCH DRAMA FROM... OH GOD DAMN IT, THEY GOT AWAY. *SIGH*. I GUESS I'D BETTER RADIO THE CAPTAIN.
Jade Edwards: -|------ Yes? What is it? Have you caught Jake English yet?
The Devil: UHH... FROM A CERTAIN POINT OF VIEW I GUESS YOU COULD SAY I DID?
Jade Edwards: -|------ Aaaand from the point of view that actually matters?
The Devil: WELL IN THAT CASE YOU COULD SAY I FAILED SPECTACULARLY. SORRY 'BOUT THAT.
Jade Edwards: -|------ ...count yourself luckly that I'm in a good mood today. Because if I was sufficently pissed, I would send you to the Kawaiificatior.
The Devil: NOOO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!
Jade Edwards: -|------ In that case, you'd better come up with a plan, and quickly...
The Devil: DON'T WORRY, THIS DEVIL HAS MORE THAN ONE TRICK UP HIS SLEEVE. I KNOW THIS UNDEAD WARRIOR WHO IS FOREVER CURSED TO RISE FROM HIS GRAVE, AND RESUME HIS CRUSADE AGAINST ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY IN THIS WORLD.
Jade Edwards: -|------ ...oh really? This is something I will have to see for myself...
Shinji moened. He couldn't feed this greedy Pengiin. He had more things to worry about, like the devil;'s army of demons.
Dave: that is pretty important ill grant you that.
Just then the fone rang and shinji picked it up.
"Hello?????" he Sayed.
Pinkie: Seven days. @_@
"Hi Shinji this is the devil again!!!!"
"What do you want, you jackass???"
"Just wanta let you know that the nexdt attack will be to day. have a nice day." and then he hung up.
Dave: you know for the living embodiment of sin an hubris the devil is actually kinda polite.
The Devil: THANK YOU.
"Shit!!!!!!!!!!" shinji yelled as he ran into his room and put on asome clothes.
Karkat: SOMEHOW I GET THE FEELING THAT THE AUTHOR'S IDEA OF A(WE)SOME CLOTHES IS JUST THE STUFF THEY WORE IN "THE MATRIX".
He then grabedx his headphones and put on some Woo Tang and ran out like a flash!!!
Dave: the wu tang clan? man i almost forgot about those guys. you know the most ironically cool thing about them is that they all had stupid names like rza gza method man raekwon ghostface killah inspectah deck u-god masta killa and ol' dirty bastard. just goes to show that even professionals can come up with the most hilarious shit when theyre trying to be dead serious.
*****************
It took Shinji ten ours to make it to Nerv since he to run since he didn;'t have a car.
Karkat: AND OF COURSE TAKING THE BUS WAS NOT AN OPTION BECAUSE NOBODY EVER DOES ANYTHING SMART IN THESE STORIES.
When he got there, Misato and Hyuga were talking to a pale little kid wearing a black Rage Aganst the Machineshirt.
Dave: rage against the machine-shirt. sounds like a 90s superhero.
he had bleu eyes and green hair. Shinji couldn't hear what they were satying.
Misato say Shinji and sayed "Hi Shinji!!!!! Come here and meet your new patrner!!"
Shinji sayed "PARTNER?!?!?!?!?!?!?! This little KID??!??????"
Jake: Thus begins the first major story arc of hellstorm evangelion, a loving homage to the "buddy cop" subgenre, which of course starts with shinji getting an unwanted partner.
Whenever he sayed that, the little kid giot a HUGE HAMMER and smashed Shinji over the head.
Karkat: KILLING HIM INSTANTLY.
Dave: i like this kid already
Shinji went to the floor and began shaking. The little boy laughed and sayed "My name is Issei Malatioun, the 6th child.
Jake: With the reveal of the 6th child having the same name as the work's supposed author we discover that this is actually an in-universe document that probably has several inaccuracies.
Karkat: EITHER THAT OR ISSEI IS A BLATANT SELF-INSERT MARY SUE.
I may be only 12
Dave: which means you really shouldn't be watching evangelion.
but I'm 1000 times smarter than you, bro!!!!"
Dave: which sadly is probably true.
Shinji got up and yelled "I can't work with this guy!!!!" Shinji knew that it shoudl have been KAORU who was his partner, not this little bastard!!!
Jake: Shinji, being the "old cop" of the duo, initially refuses.
Mistao shaked her head and sayed "Tough titty Shinji you can't CHOOSE your partner we do.
Jake: But of course, misato, playing the role of "da chief" (as the role is colloquially referred to) forces him to take the partner anyway under threat of expulsion.
Pinkie: That's it, Shinji, you're off the case! Turn in your badge, now!
And with all of the other kids either dead or..." She stopped cuz the alarm was going off.
A voice from the speaker sayed "SECOND DEMON COMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Pinkie: Quick! Everypony start running around in a circle screaming! Like this! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
"Shit!!! That's what I came to wanr tyou guys about!! The devil sent the 2nd demon today! he told me when he called!!"
Karkat: GEE, IT'S ALMOST AS IF RUNNING TO THE BASE WITHOUT TAKING A TAXI OR CALLING AHEAD OR SOMETHING WAS A BAD IDEA.
Misato sayed "WHAT?!? the devil called OUR HOUSE?!?!?!?!?!?!?"
Issei sayed "This looks bad doesnt it? Well we'd better be off Shinji. We got some Demon ass to kick!!!!!!"
Shinji sayed "Hell no! I'm not working with a little brat like you!!!!!"
Dave: but of course the plot cant move forward without its mary sue dragging it along so everyone came to isseis aid.
Issei yelled "Quit arguing you little prick!!! We got work to do!!!"
Misato sayed "Listen to issei! He's making more sense than you!!!"
Shinji shook his head and sayed "Nononononono!!!!"
Karkat: SERIOUSLY THOUGH, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL HERE? YEAH THE KID'S KIND OF ANNOYING, BUT THE FUCKING WORLD IS AT STAKE HERE. IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT HIS SAFETY, HE WOULDN'T BE HERE UNLESS HE WAS EITHER BATTLE-READY, OR IF THERE WAS LITERALLY NO OTHER CHOICE. BUT SINCE YOU CLEARLY HATE HIS GUTS, THEN JUST STAY OUT OF THE WAY AND LET THE ANGEL KILL HIM. I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT I THINK I LIKED SHINJI'S CHARACTERIZATION IN CHAPTER 1 BETTER. YEAH HE'S STILL A CRYBABY WHO PISSES HIS PANTS REPEATEDLY, BUT HE'S AT LEAST WILLING TO PUT THE FATE OF THE WORLD IN FRONT OF HIS OWN FEELINGS. WHICH BY THE WAY IS SOMETHING THAT HE'S BEEN STRUGGLING WITH IN CANON. NOW HIS CHARACTER IS JUST REGRESSING WITHOUT ANY CLEAR REASON.
That made Misato desperate! She opened up her jacket and thre it to the ground! Then she unbuttoned her shirt and let Shinji look at her HUGE tits. Shinji stared at them and had a noseblleed then past out.
Karkat: THEN AGAIN, GIVEN THE QUALITY OF THE WRITING MAYBE I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL THAT THERE'S ANY CHARACTERIZATION AT ALL.
"Drag him to the entry plug Issei................" she sayed as she put her shirt back on.
Dave: yeah. make him fight against his free will. that totally never backfired before.
Issei picked him up and wiped the blood off his face and sayed "Sure gorgeous!!!"
*****************
Issei got into EVA 2 and Shinji got into EVA 1. Shinji was so pissed! he got so excitid about seeing Misato's thingies that he was drug into the EVA. He would have to fight with that little brat.
Karkat: TIP FOR THE DEMONS. JUST TAKE A SUCCUBUS AND MAKE IT REALLY FUCKING HUGE, AND YOU'LL DEFEAT SHINJI NO PROBLEM.
Dave: especially if it has his mothers face.
Karkat: SHUT UP, YOU.
Dave: hey im just sayin.
Issei sayed ofer the intercom "Hey Shinji hope you're ready for the fight!!!"
Shinji didn't say anything back. He was too pissed.
"EVA'S UNIT ONE AND TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LAUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Jake: The fact that Issei is piloting EVA-02 may seem like a plot hole, but there is a retroactive precedent for it. In Rebuild 2.0, Mari Illustrious Makinami is not only able to pilot the EVA-02 just fine, but can even activate a hidden super-mode of some sort. The exact reasons for this are unknown, Issei's true nature (which is revealed later down the line) might shed some light on this issue.
Dave: tdlr; mary sues being able to pilot unit 2 is already canon. deal with it.
The 2 Eva's were now on Tokyo 3 and there was the demon.
Jake: This demon is of course is a refrence to the balrog of the lord of the rings movie, which comes directly from the lord of the rings books, which comes from some obscure mythological thing I quite recall at the moment. Gaze upon it's majesty, dear fellows!
he was totally blank and was made of nothing but FIRE! He was so bright that both kids almost went blind from looking at it!
Dave: yeah i think the movie did it better.
"My name is Gapos!!!!" it sayed in a scary voice.
Eva 2 stood still but Shinji was so pissed that he didn't pay atentioon. "DIE!!!!!!!" he yelled and he ran to it and tryed to grab it. But since ity was made of fire, it burned the hands ofEva 1 and Shinji yelled and ran away.
Pinkie: ^_^
"Think before you act stupid!!!" Issei shouted and grabed his knife. he set the cordinates to -10000 degress on the knife and threw it to the demon.
Karkat: FOR THE MOMENT LET'S IGNORE THE MORONICNESS OF "SETTING THE COORDINATES OF A KNIFE, AND SET ASIDE THE QUESTION OF WHY HE HAS A FREEZING KNIFE ANYWAY. NO, THE BIG PROBLEM I HAVE HERE IS THAT -10000 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT (BECAUSE THE WRITER IS OBVIOUSLY AMERICAN AND THUS DOESN'T UNDERSTAND CELSIUS) WOULD BE 5300 DEGREES BELOW KELVIN. WHICH IS COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE LAST TIME I CHECKED, AS NOTHING, AND I MEAN NOTHING CAN GO BELOW ABSOLUTE ZERO.
Dave: gurren lagann is all about doing the impossible seeing the invisible and kicking reason to the curb.
Karkat: ...THIS IS EVANGELION. GURREN LAGANN HASN'T EVEN BEEN MADE YET.
Dave: oh. in that case i have no fucking cue.
It went into the demons stomach and Gapos yelled.
"You damn kid!!!!!!" It yelled "I'll tear you apart!!!!!!"
Pinkie:
he then sent some flames at the two evas and it burned both boys. They both cryed and yelled!
Issei shouted to Shinji "Shinji................ we need something that kills fire!!!!!"
Jake: Now is the point where, backed against the wall, the rookie cop and the veteran cop need to team up to survive.
After that Shinji knew what to do he jumped away from the fire and went behind a bilding and grabed a GIANT fire hose.
Karkat: OH YEAH, BECAUSE WATER IS WAY MORE EFFECTIVE AGAINST A MONSTER THAN A KNIFE THAT BREAKS THE LAWS OF PHYSICS.
The demon went to Shinji and threw all of its fire at him but Shinji threw tjhe hose over to Issei befroe he did.
Issei turned on the hose and pointed it at Gapos! It made the Demon turn into smoke as it screamed in pane and agony.
Dave: laaame.
"I'll.....get..........you......!!!!!" Gapos said as it died.
Pinkie: I'll get you next time, inspector gadget! Next tiiiiiime! o/-\o
The boys shouted "EXCELLENT!" at the same time.
Pinkie:
the seocnd demon was DEAD!
Jake: And thus, having saved the day through teamwork, the two cops have formed an unbreakable bond of trust that will last for eternity. Or at least until one of them gets killed three days before retirement, giving the other an excuse to brood in front of his bright eyed and bushy tailed new partner.
*****************
As Shinji went into his house he went straight into his room. He jumped on his bed but when he did someone said "ouch!!!" Shinji got up and saw that Issei was lying on the bed!
Dave: this story has taken a turn for the awkward.
"ISSEI!! WHAT are you doing in my bed?!?!"
"Lying down!" Isei sayed.
Pinkie: Nope, no rimshot this time. It wasn't even funny. -_-
"I KNOW THAT! But your in MY bed!!!!"
Misato came in and sayed "Issei will be living with us from now on! Deal with it!!"
Dave: misato is such a good mother isnt she??
"But I don't WANT to live with a creep like him!"
Karkat: THE FEELING IS MUTUAL.
Issei sayed "I dont either but life's tough. Now quit worrying about thjis shit and start worrying about the demons!!!"
Misato sayed "Be nice to Isei wile hes here. Who knows you two may become lovers!!"
Jake: I would just like to remind our viewers that jake english's mysterious theater from the year 3000 does not endorse, approve of, or condone pedophilia in any way whatsoever.
Shinji sayed "WHAT?!? But I'm not gay!!"
Karkat: IS THAT REALLY THE FIRST THING THAT COMES INTO YOUR MIND?
he sayed even tho he knew that was a lie! he only loved kaoru though so he wasn't going to fall in love with Issei either!!!
Issei sayed "But I am. Why do you think I didn't have a nosebleed whe Misato showed me her tits?!?"
Karkat: ...BECAUSE THE THING ABOUT NOSEBLEEDS IS AN OLD WIVES TALE WITHOUT ANY BASIS IN REALITY?
Misato then gave Issei a noogie and sayed "Hey you!!!" The two laughed while Shinji watched them until he syarted laughing too. Maybe life with Issei wouldn't be THAT bad!!!
Dave: you have no idea dude. no idea.
*****************
To be cont.
That's it! Now I'm not going to make the love between Issei and Shinji TOO mushy...
Karkat: HE'S TWELVE YEARS OLD DAMN IT.
there will still be LOADS of fights between Eva's and Demons. Watch out for the next part....................someone important is going to DIE!!
The Devil: ALLRIGHT, ENOUGH JIBBER JABBER. WHICH ONE OF YOU GUYS ARE YOU GOING TO BUMP OFF? THE RATINGS AREN'T GOING TO IMPROVE THEMSELVES YOU KNOW.
Jake: Yes. And I've decided on... troll phelous robo alter guy! Or whatever his name is!
======MEANWHILE======
======MEANWHILE======
The Devil: I DUNNO, DUDE. NOBODY CARES ABOUT THAT GUY, I DOUBT WE CAN REALLY GENERATE MUCH DRAMA FROM... OH GOD DAMN IT, THEY GOT AWAY. *SIGH*. I GUESS I'D BETTER RADIO THE CAPTAIN.
Jade Edwards: -|------ Yes? What is it? Have you caught Jake English yet?
The Devil: UHH... FROM A CERTAIN POINT OF VIEW I GUESS YOU COULD SAY I DID?
Jade Edwards: -|------ Aaaand from the point of view that actually matters?
The Devil: WELL IN THAT CASE YOU COULD SAY I FAILED SPECTACULARLY. SORRY 'BOUT THAT.
Jade Edwards: -|------ ...count yourself luckly that I'm in a good mood today. Because if I was sufficently pissed, I would send you to the Kawaiificatior.
The Devil: NOOO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!
Jade Edwards: -|------ In that case, you'd better come up with a plan, and quickly...
The Devil: DON'T WORRY, THIS DEVIL HAS MORE THAN ONE TRICK UP HIS SLEEVE. I KNOW THIS UNDEAD WARRIOR WHO IS FOREVER CURSED TO RISE FROM HIS GRAVE, AND RESUME HIS CRUSADE AGAINST ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY IN THIS WORLD.
Jade Edwards: -|------ ...oh really? This is something I will have to see for myself...
DETECTIVE
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