Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 22


Episode 22



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Jake English: Today's the day we finally confront caius ballad once and for all!

Kankri: Very well, 6ut first you need t9 attend this "christmas" party.

Karkat Vantas: WHY?

Kankri: 6ecause it w9uld 6e extremely rude n9t t9, and 9ur n9n-presence w9uld als9 help t9 f9ster the n9ti9n 9f it 6eing a "6l99d-class exclusive" affair. And I'm afraid it w9uld 9nly be a slippery sl9pe fr9m there t9 full-9n dep9tism...

Dave: that and our contract says we have to do a christmas special.

Karkat: *facepalm*


Jade Harley: hey guys! welcome to party! :)

Jake: Yowzers! Harley, you have surely outdone yourself with the decorations this year!

Jade: thanks, but I didnt do it on my own. ;) kanaya was a huuuuuuuuge help, and i dont think it would be half as festive if dirk and sollux hadnt supplied the entertainment :D

Kanaya: It Was Harder Than We Expected But We Made Do

Dirk: Hey, nobody likes christmas more than me, ya dig?

Sollux: ii'm ju2t glad we found a 2oundtrack we could all agree on.

Pinkie: So who else is here? Is Twilight here yet?

Jade: no, not yet. :( but almost everyone else is! terezi, meulin, feferi and nepeta are over there playing charades...

Meulin: \(=^..^)/ <





Terezi: Y34H 1 GOT NOTH1NG

Nepeta: :33 < looks like meulin wins again!

Feferi: My turn! 38D

Jade: ...tavros and vriska are over there, talking to eridan...

Eridan: vvriska you told me this wwas a costume party

Tavros: aND YOU BELIVED HER,

Vriska: Yeah, pupa pan has a point. You kinda walked into that one.

Eridan: wwell fuck

Jade: ...and that t-rex over there who says he knows you is over at the bar, talking to rose.

T-Rex: ...so it was all just a big misunderstanding! And that's the story of how I saved the universe from the evil robot empire using Shakespearean fanfiction.

Rose: Facinating. It appears that your gift for weaving transparent falsehoods is only matched by your obsession with irrelevancy.

T-Rex: Thanks (I think)!

Roxy: hey there big boy, you come aroond her
*around her
*here
often?

Rose: Roxy, you've gotten so drunk that you're hitting on me again. It's kind of creeping me out.

Roxy: oh, shorry.
*sorry.

Jade: and finally, some guys named alfred and lant are here. I don't know them, but they claim that they know you so thats good enough for me!

Alfred Smith: Madame, I am grateful for your hospitality. STOP

Lant Kreck: Same here, I guess.

Dave: hey werent there three of you.

Lant: Yes... we were about to ask you about that, actually.

Alfred: She just vanished right before our eyes! We've spent the last month looking for her across several contitents, but alas- it was to no avail. STOP

Dave: cool story bro.

Alfred: I'M SERIOUS!

Dave: yeah well you didn't need her.

Jake: Yes, al. I understand you concern but i also get where dave is coming from. Electra... was not a very nice person.

Karkat: AND THAT'S PUTTING IT MILDLY. I MEAN SERIOUSLY, WHAT DO YOU SEE IN HER?

Alfred: Well it's actually kind of complicated. You see it's just that-

Caliborn: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, LOSER! THIS ISN'T THE TIME FOR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, THIS IS THE TIME FOR CHEAP GAGS BASED ON EXAGGERATED CHARACTER TRAITS!

Jade: oh yes. heres here too. >:(

Caliborn: HOW CAN YOu HOPE TO IGNORE ME WHEN I HAVE BEEN HERE THE ENTIRE TIME!?

Dave: what happened to your girlfriend?? she dump you like the sad sack of shit you are?

Caliborn: I PLEAD THE THIRD!

Jake: You mean the prohibitation of forced quartering of soldiers during wartime?

Caliborn: YES, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I SAID. AND I WILL ONLY GO AWAY IF YOU READ THIS FANFICITON.

Karkat: OF COURSE.

Jake: Ah yes. Hellstorm Evangelion. The fic is based on the popular anime franchise neon genesis evangelion, a deconstructive mecha series focusing on the mental turmoil of a boy named shinji ikari, who pilots a giant robot called an "evangelion" in order to fight monsters called "angels". Needless to say it's a very controversial series, especially the last few episodes which delve deeply into the main characters' psyche in a strange, clip-show like fashion. I would say more, but honestly Evangelion is the sort of show that you should see for yourself and form your own opinions about.

Hellstorm, meanwhile, is an alternate universe/continuation of the anime that disregards these last few episodes, instead trying to reconstruct all the tropes that the series proper torn down. While unsucessful in it's day, the series laid the groundwork for similar fics such as Nobody DiesShinji and Warhammer 40k, and possibly even Ganax's own reconstruction series, Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann

Dave: it also provided elmer studios (link goes to a mirror since they stopped updating years ago) with material for some of the finest MSTs on the internet. we really owe a lot to these guys so check out their work sometime.

Karkat: BLAH BLAH BLAH LETS DO THIS ALREADY.

Hellstorm evangelion
by - Iseei Mataloun, the 6th Child

Note: this happens after episode 17 when shinji killed Kaoru.

T-Rex: Um. SPOILERS!

since I diodn't understand them,

Kanaya: Not That Youd Be Alone In That Respect

we'll pretend the 25-26 episodes did not happen and say that the story goes on right here.

Dave: because fuck continuity. this is hellstorm evangelion bitch.

Hope you enjouy my first fanfic!!!

Shinji was laying on his bed crying. it hadd been 7-8 hour since he killed Kaoru and he was really sad. misato has been cold about Kauru's death and didn't even have nice words to say to Shinji. Asuka and Rei didn't even talk to Shinji anymore.

Karkat: THEN AGAIN, REI NEVER SAYS ANYTHING AND ASUKA IS A TOTAL BITCH, SO I DON'T THINK THEY'D BE ABLE TO HELP ALL THAT MUCH.

so no one would help him through it. he was alone.

Meulin: \(=^..^)/ <


Then in his room he heard a wisper. he looked over to the door and a light was gleaming underneath the door. The voice sayed "you did good Shinji. you killed God's best fighters."

Tavros: cORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG, bUT, uHH, i'M PRETTY SURE THE MONSTERS THEY FOUGHT WERN'T SUPPOSED TO BE LITERAL ANGELS,

Jake: There is some debate about that. While names given to the items and beings related to the evangelion project are clearly code names. after all, it's impossible for the 50-foot "lance of longinus" seen in the show to be the actual "lance of longinus", (that is, the lance that pierced christ). Most of the religious symbolism from the show was meant to convey a sense of unfamiliarity to japanese audiences, who typically wouldn't recognize most of it. But there is a theory that states that (within the evangelion universe) that the whole idea of religion is some kind of residual genetic memory about humanity's creation. But regardless of which theory is true, this story picks a third option by taking the symbolism at face value in order to question the validity of hideki anno's borrowing symbols without really understanding what they mean.

he voice was really quiet and scary sounding. Shinji almost wet himself when he heared it!

Vriska: Keep it classy, Shinji.

"Who's there?!?" shinji sayed in a scared voice. no answer came. Finally the door opened and a red man came in. he had a pitch fork and red skin and a crooked beard. he smiled evily at Shinji. When Shinji looked at him he wet his pants.

Terezi: 4CCORD1NG TO TH1S F1C 3LDR1TCH 4BOM1N4T1ONS W1TH S33M1NGLY NO MOD1V4T1ON TRY1NG TO C4US3 TH3 3ND OF HUM4N1TY < SH1NJ1S COLD 4ND D1ST4NT F4TH3R FROM WHOM 4LL H1S P3RSON4L PROBL3MS ST3M FROM < CR33PY R3D GUY W1TH 4  P1TCHFORK

The yellow pee went all over his blankets.

Karkat: OKAY, SHINJI IS A COMPLETE WUSS. WE GET IT. CAN YOU STOP FOCUSING ON HIS URINARY TRACT ALREADY?

Meulin:



"Hi Shinji I'm the devil nice to meet you."

Dave:  funny. i expected him to be a lot more badass.

 Shinji waved at the scary man and sayed "hi how do you know my name????"

Rose: "How do you know my name"? That's the first question you ask? So you're not at all curious about the theological or metaphysical implications of Satan being an actual, physical being?

Roxy: well he never was the sharps knife in the
*parpes knif
*sharpest kif if the
a very smart kid.

"You really popular in hell, kid. You killed 17 of God's angels and we all like you."

Sollux: 2o iit look2 liike they were real angele2 after all.

Vriska: Ooooooooh! 8ad luck, kid! Looks like you're going to hell when you die!

"Really? Thank you." Shinji sayed his face happy.

"Yeah kid want to work for me and hell?"

Rose: A bit straightforward, isn't he? Hardly befits his title as the Prince of Lies.

Dave: well did pretty much go up to shinji and say "hi im the devil". his full name between "prince of" and "lies" is probably "being horrible at telling".

"Um...no I better not."

"Why not kid? what do you have here?" the devil sayed with a weird look on his face.

"Well...um....I have to stay here. I have a lot of peole here I care about." Shinni sayed he was getting ever scareder now.

Vriska: Let's count them, shall we? Let's see... there's Misato, those two guys from school that left the city a few episodes ago, an angry 8itch who really h8s you, a quiet 8itch that doesn't care a8out you, aaaaaaaand... that's a8out it. Yeah, you sure have a lot to stay for all right!

"Oh well I tryed." the devil sayed that and he was walking away back to the door.

Dirk: What? That's it? What sort of lame-ass villain comes out of nowhere just to give up so quickly?

*KA-KRACK!*

Lord English: HA HA! NOW THAT YOU MORTALS WERE FOOLISH ENOUGH TO GATHER IN ONE PLACE, I WILL TEAR THE SKELETONS FROM YOUR BODIES, AND THEN I WILL MAKE FURNITURE OUT OF THEM!

Tavros: uHH, nO THANK YOU, tHAT SOUNDS RATHER UNPLESANT,

Lord English: FOOL, YOU HAVE NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER! HOW DO YOU HOPE TO ESCAPE ME WHEN-

Jade: hey, you heard the man! >:( if tavros doesn't want his skeleton ripped out of his body and turned into a office table then he doesn't want his skeleton ripped out of his body and turned into a office table!

Lord English: WELL YEAH BUT-

Jade: no buts! were you even invited to this party in the first place? if so i wouldnt invite you again given the way youve been acting. >:(

Lord English: ...OH WELL I TRIED. *leaves*

Caliborn: HA HA WHAT A LOSER.

"Wait!!!! Shinji sayed. "What are you going to do?"

"I going to destroy the world." the devil sayed as he stroked his bushy beard.

Meulin: \(=^o^)/ <

OF COURSE!


"WHAT?!? WHY????"

"I don't like humans." the devil sayed.

Karkat: I TOTALLY GET WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM, BELIEVE ME.

"Since God couldn't kill you off, me and my demons will. You and the rest of mankind is deadmeat kid."

Nepeta: :33 *as Shinji* but if you want us all dead, why did you wait until now?

Terezi: *4S S4T4N* 1 DUNNO 1 GU3SS 1 JUST D1DNT F33L L1K3 1T.

Shinji stood up from his bed and looked hero like.

Gamzee: HeRo mOdE HeRo mOdE HeRo mOdE HeRo mOdE HeRo mOdE HeRo mOdE HeRo mOdE HeRo mOdE HeRo mOdE HeRo mOdE HeRo mOdE HeRo mOdE HeRo mOdE HeRo mOdE HeRo mOdE

He was scared but he wouldn't let the devil see it.

Eridan: unlikely givven the yelloww stains on his bed

"I won't let you. I'll kick your ass if you try somethong like that."

"Suit yourself kid" sayed the devil

Dave: who then blasted shinji to death with his eye beams. the end.

as he vanished.
*************

When shinji woke up the next day he went to Misato and told her what happened rto him.when he was done, Misato had a worried look on her face.

Utahraptor: The men in white coats came a few mintues later, to drag Shinji away to the insane asylum.

T-Rex: The young man spent the rest of his days ranting and raving about how he killed the angles and how demons were going to invade next. He died of a malignant brain tumor several years later, trapped in solitary confinement.

"OH NO!! We have to tell Gendo!!!!!!"

John: because as we all know gendo ikari is a completely trustworthy person who always listens to his son.

Shinji moened. He didn't like his dad at all. He was such a mean guy.

Karkat: THIS HAS BEEN A SUMMARY OF SHINJI'S CHARACTER IN ONE SENTENCE.

But if Misato though that was for the best then it would be smart to do it.

Misato grabed the celluar fone. She dialed gendo's number and when she told him what happened, gendo laughed. Misato asked "What's so funny sir???"

"That so funny!!!! Maybe the idea of finishing off the angels has made you a little batty, but you think the devil's going to try to kill us??? hahahahahaha!!!"

Alfred: You know, even if this is grossly out of character for Gendo, I have to admit he kind of has a point. Shinji's word is the only thing he has to go on this, and let's be honest; Shinji's not exactly what we would call a stable person. STOP

Right after he sayed that an explosion was hearded over the fone. Followed by gendo's heavy breathing. A lot of loud buzzes were heared over the fone and Misto looks scared. Finally Gendo came back on the fone and sayed "We need the Third Child NOW!!! there's something attacking Tokyo 3!!!"

T-Rex: Hooray! Gendo's dead! Let's party like it's 1997!

"we're on our way" sayed Misato. She grabed Shinji and pulled him out of the appartment and into her car. They drove really fast toward Nerv and saw something werird. All of the people and cars that were usually in the street were gone. gendo must have called a curfew already.

Feferi: Remember, t)(e best t)(ing to do during a monster attack is get a good nig)(t's sleep!

Nowing that she went even faster.

Meulin: \(=^-^)/ <



When they were almost there, they saw the monster. It was 2000 ft. tall and was really fat and ugly.

Dirk: Given that the Angels started out as huge invincible monsters and just became more abstract over time, this seems like kind of a downgrade, actually.

Aradia: and why spend preci0us time describing things when y0u can just say its ugly and leave it at that

Dave: hey eridan. looks like they found your older brother.

Eridan: ha ha vvery funny

 it had horns, red skin, and really REALLY sharp fangs.

Caliborn: CAPITAL LETTERS MAKE EVERYTHING MORE AWESOME.

Shinji wet his pants again.

Sollux: becau2e that joke wa2 2o funny the fiir2t tiime he ju2t had two do iit agaiin.

Misatto said "Wow look that thing! IT'S HUGE! AND UGLY!

Lant: I don't know what's worse, that they're not actually describing it, or that they're not actually describing it twice.

I wonder... hey, Shinji you wet youself! You nasty boy! you better clean that up NOW!!"

Rose: Conversations about Shinji mopping up his own urine... Not exactly what I thought this story would be about.

*************

When Shinji and Misato got to nerv Gendo was nowhere to be found. When they looked really hard they saw him at his desk looking angry.

T-Rex: So was he found, or wasn't he? YOU DECIDE!

Shinji didn't look at nhis dad....he HATED his dad!

Jake: As you can see shinji is a very complex character!

Dirk: Ha ha, good one, man.

Jake: (...I was being serious)

He didn'y want to look at him so he didn't.

"We need Shinji to beat this thing up for us. It's really strong and we don't have any pilots. asuka's in a comma,

Rose: Though it astounds me as to how she could have gotten lost in a punctuation mark.

Toji left, Shinji killed Kaoru

Karkat: I REMINDED SHINJI THAT HE JUST KILLED HIS BEST FRIEND BECAUSE I'M EVIL.

and Rei... well I won't SAY where Rei is!!!!!" gendo smiled as he said that.

Jake: Given that rei is implied to be a clone of yui ikari and the fact that gendo's plan was completely driven by a desire to resurrect his dead wife, this raises some disturbing implications of whehter or not gendo regularly had sexual intercourse with rei.

Karkat: OH GOD SOMEONE GET THAT IMAGE OUT OF MY HEAD! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Sollux: 2ure thiing, man. *mind zap*

Karkat: WOW, I CAN'T BELIVE THAT ACTUALLY WORKED! I CAN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING ANYMORE! WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT AGAIN?

Dave: we were talking about gendo ikari fucking the teenage clone of his dead wife.

Karkat: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

Sollux: *mind zap*

Karkat: WAIT WHAT? DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?

Dave: all I said was that gendo ikari was fucking the teenage clone of his dead wife.

Karkat: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Dave: i could do this all day.

You bastard Shinji thought. I didn't WANT TO KILL KAORU!!!! Shinii almost cryed when he thunk that but he didn't cause it would be embarassing.

John: you mean embarrassing compared to, wetting your pants?

Vriska: It's a liiiiiiiitle too l8 for that, kid.

Then Hyuga came in.

Aradia: wh0?

Jake: Makoto hyuga, one of the computer technicians at nerv. He's kind of a side character that is implied (but not outright stated) to end up as misato's love intrest near the end of the series.

He smiled and winked at Misato and sayed "Hi cute-stuff guess what?"

Karkat: PLEASE DUMP HIM IMMEDIATELY. YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR HIM.

Mistao looked at her boyfiend and sayed "What????"

Hyuuga sayed "This bugger ain't no angel.

Alfred: I admit, i didn't watch the dub, but I can't recall Hyuuga ever talking like that.

It something we never seen before... something stronger. I don't know if we can beat it up with EVA."

"It's a demon from hell" sayed Shinji. "this is what the devil told me about he sayed he was going to kill mankind with demons. So I'm going to beat him with Eva cuz I told the devil that I wouild beat him."

Meulin: \(=@..@)/ <


"ok Shinji" Misato sayed. "Go into the dressing room and get into your plug suit."

Karkat: BECAUSE GIVING A GIANT ROBOT TO AN EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE TEENAGER WHOSE CLAIMING THAT THE DEVIL SPOKE TO HIM IS SUCH GREAT IDEA.

*************

Shinji came out of the dressing room wearing his plug suit. He looked ready for action with a big smile on his face.

Pinkie: Heeeeere's Johnny! @===@

Misato gave him a big hug and Shinji walked into the entry plug. the little hole where he sat filled up with icky LCL and his lungs was filled with the stuff. it still tasted nasty but Shinji had to live with it!

Misato yelled "EVA 1!!!!!! LAUNCH!!!!!"

The eva launched and Shinji was outside. It was a warm day in Tokyo 3........but then he saw the demon!

Feferi: Must )(ave gotten a little distracted t)(ere.

It was alot taller than the Eva and it was snarling.

"I'LL GET YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Shinji screamed as he took out the Eva's knife and ran toward the demon. The demon laughed. Shinji tryed to stab the demon but the demon grabed the knife by the blade and broke it in two.

Vriska: That was your whole plan? run up to the monster and sta8 it with a knife?

Karkat: WHAT DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!

After that he laughed some more and flung its blood on the Eva.

"This planet is OURS!!!!!!" shouted the demon.

"I don't THINK so!!!" screamed Shinji. He then punched the demon in the face and the demon flew ten ft. away.

Dave: which given that these are giant monsters didnt really amount to much.

But when the demon hit the ground, some beams came out of its eyes and hit the Eva. The beams melted the Eva;s chest and it gave Shinji heart burn. He WOULDN'T let this demon beat him up!

"My name is Ramama and I will be the one to kill you!!!!" shouted the demon.

Jake: Strange, none of my biblical texts make any reference to "ramama".

Karkat: GEE I WONDER WHY? IT'S ALMOST AS IF THE AUTHOR WAS JUST MAKING STUFF UP AS HE WENT ALONG.

Ramama growled and jumped on top of the Eva. he began punching it really hard. Shinji screamed as the demon hurt him. Ramama shot some more rays of light at Shinji and it hurt even more.

Finally Shinji sayed "I've have enough of this!!!" and punched Ramama in the jaw. He was so mad that it made Shinji 1000000000 times stronger and the punch broke Ramama's jaw.

Dirk: A trillion times stronger and the EVA only broke Ramama's jaw? I take back what I said, this guy is one serious motherfucker.

Shinji then took out the EVA's gun and pointed it at the demon and shot him six times. The demon screamed as he died and his blood shot out everywhere.

Dirk: ...And I take back what I said about taking back what I said.

Finally, the demon felled on the one of the buildings and broke it.

Shinji felt proud. He had kicked this demon's ass and now he could go home in time to watch Ruroni Kenshin.

Karkat: NEVER MIND THE FACT THAT HE JUST SAVED THE WORLD (AGAIN) AND JUST PROVED TO HIMSELF THAT HE WAS STILL USEFUL. NOPE, CARTOONS ARE THE ONLY THING ON SHINJI'S MIND AT THE MOMENT.

Alfred: I should also point out that Ruroni Kenshin had been off the air for over a decade at the point in time this story is set. So unless Shinji is a bit of an anime nut, it's unlikely that he would have even heard of the show in the first place. STOP

*************

Shinji was in front of the TV watching Sagara and Himura beat the crap out of each other when something happened. Himura went to the front of thew TV and looked at directly at Shinji. Himura's face then changed into the devil's and smiled evily. Misato, who was watching because that of cute guy Himura, spit out her beer and almost choked.

Nepeta: :33 < *as shinji* s33! i told you!

Terezi: *4S M1S4TO* Y34H Y34H...

The devil looked at both of them and sayed "You may have beat Ramama, but he was a wuss compard to my other demons. WE WILL TRUMPH!"

Shinji stood up and sayed "Oh Yeah?!? Well, we''ll just see about that!" And kicked the telebision screen and broke it.

Pinkie: THIS. IS. EVANGELION! *kicks Eridan into a pit* /-_-\

Eridan: jade wwhy do you evven havve this pit in the first plaaaaaaaaaace

Jade: ive been kind of wondering that myself. :(

Misato went SD then grabed Shinji and screamed "WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR SHINJI????? YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THAT COST??????"

*************

Karkat: ALLRIGHT, CAL. WE HAD A DEAL. WE READ YOUR FIC, NOW LEAVE.

Caliborn: OH, AND YOU REALLY BELIEVED ME? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Vriska: Called it.

Dave: well we outnumber you a dozen to one including two dinosuars so forcing you out wont be too hard.

Caliborn: OH. ER. I DIDN'T REALLY THINK OF THAT. uHHHHHH... YOuLL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!! *jumps through window*

T-Rex: Well with that annoyance out of the way, I can safely say that this will be the most perfect christmas ever!

Caius Ballad: Not quite.

T-Rex: Frig! It's Sephiroth! I mean Kuja! I mean... um... Don Cornero? You're from Dragon Quest, right? 

Dave: ignore him. hes always like that.

Electra: We'll keep that in mind.

Alfred: Sweetie? What are you doing with him?

Electra: All I did was ditch you plebians in order to join the winning side. Isn't that right, snuggle-bunny?


Caius: Don't call me that. But yes, she has betrayed indeed you.

Jake: What are you here for, Caius? To gloat?

Caius: Hardly. I am here causality is collapsing inwards on itself. Soon, time will be compressed into a single point, and the world will no longer suffer the hell that the prophet Gilesbie has inflicted upon the world.

Lant: What are you talking about?

Caius: After you restored your planet, haven't you noticed that something was a bit "off"? An time-travel inconsistency here, a plot hole there, and yet you shrug and walk away like nothing unusual has happened. Does it all really add up? And lets not even begin to adress how you could be reading your own series' fanfiction.

Pinkie: They can't all break the fourth wall, Caius, you know what would happen if we did.

Caius: True. But you, Pinkamania, saw reality collapsing around yourself. And yet you did nothing.

John: just what are you saying?

Caius: What I'm saying is that Gilesbie does not merely seek to propagate fanfiction. On the contrary, she seeks to turn the entire world into bad fanfiction.

Jake: But that's impossible!

Caius: Your universe is a giant frog, and the biggest threats to said frog are a glowing green dog with sunglasses and a pirate puppet skeleton gangster pimp. By now you should realize that nothing is impossible.

Karkat: AND YOU THINK DESTROYING THE UNIVERSE IS THE WAY TO GO?

Caius: As opposed to the alternative? Perhaps. Perhaps not. Who am I to decide?

Alfred: But what about Yeul? STOP

Caius: Yeul?

Alfred: Yes, that's right. Yeul. Your surrogate daughter. The one you've spent eons trying to save. Remember her? STOP

Dave: what the fuck are you talking about??

Alfred: I told you. I actually watched the cutscenes of Final Fantasy XIII-2. And If anyone defines your character, it's Yeul. Where is she, Caius? WHERE IS SHE!? STOP

Caius: I-I'm sorry, but I don't-

Alfred: And do you know why you can't remember, caius? Do you? It's because Gilesbie has effected you just as much as the rest of us and you don't even realize it.

Caius: ...no I'm not...

Alfred: But you can fight it, Caius. I know you can. You knew something was missing, so you tried to bring Electra into the fold thinking she was Yeul. You want to destroy the timeline because that's how you wanted to save her in the first place!

Electra: No! He loves me, he-

Caius: ...No, it's true. It's all true. Gilesbie... isn't human. An abberation... yeul's soul... trapped in her own body... I tried to confront her... I'm sorry...

Electra: But-

Caius: ...just... GO!

Electra: *whimper*

Alfred: There there, Electra. I'll never abandon you...

Electra: DON'T TOUCH ME, COMMONER!

Caius: But it's no use... life is meaningless without Yuel. I just needed to end it...

Dave: okay. dude. stop moping already. i mean i dont know the specifics but it sounds like we can save her.

Jake: Yeah, i mean if you destroy the timeline now yeul will just be trapped for eternity!

Karkat: YEAH, I MEAN TALK ABOUT A SHORT SIGHTED PLAN...

Caius: Very well then. I will grant you safe passage to the era that the abbaration has hidden itself. Beyond that, you four will bear the sole responsibilty for ending Gilesbie's reign, and rescuing Yuel.

Dave: uh. four?

Karkat: IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED, MOST OF THESE GUYS KNOW HOW TO FIGHT.

Jade: yeah! the whole timeline is at stake here! we cant back down just yet!

Vriska: I 8et there's lots of loot in her castle or fortress or wh8ver.

Tavros: i'LL TRY TO BE BRAVE, jUST, uHH, dON'T BLAME ME IF IT ALL GOES WRONG,

T-Rex: Do you know what time it is?

Meulin: \(=^..^)/ <
Pinkie: Wooo! Adventure! Adventure! Ad-ven-ture! ^0^

Feferi: glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub!

Utahraptor: Calm down, guys!


Eridan: guess wwere coming too

Kankri: Indeed. But bef9re I think it w9uld 6e prudent to split into gr9ups in 9rder t9 discuss pr9per time-travel etiquette...


Kanaya: I Think We Have More Pressing Concerns But Count Me In Anyway.

Sollux: me two, no pun iintended.



Alfred: So a new adventure begins. And maybe this time I won't fail... STOP

Lant: This time you won't what?

Alfred: Um, nothing! Nothing at all! STOP

Electra: If we win, will you be my boyfriend?

Caius: No. 

Electra: Well you're just playing hard to get, so I'll do it anyway!

Rose: Keep telling yourself that.

Gamzee: HoNk.

Dirk: Welp. Looks like we've got another world destroying abomination from beyond time and space to kill. You ready for this?

Roxy: Know know it.
*you know it

Terezi: PROPH3T G1L3SB13 YOU H4V3 B33N CH4RG3D W1TH T1M3 SH3N4N1G4NS 4ND NOT R3SP3CT1NG JOHNS SYLV3ST3R ST4LLON3 1MPR3SS1ON HOW DO YOU PL34D

Nepeta: :33 < *as prophet gilesbie* not guilty!

John: i knew you'd say that.

Jake: If you're going to take all of us, like it or not!

Caliborn: YEAH! WHAT HE SAID!

Jake: But not him. I don't think anyone would mind if you banished him to an asteroid or something. But other than that we're all coming!

Caius: Impressive. There are few people I know who that would give their lives to fight an impossible battle. For that, I have nothing but the deepest respect for you children.

John: Respect enough to not destroy the timeline?

Caius: ...perhaps. We'll see how things turn out. Now, let us depart to the era of the Prophet Gilesbie and the battle that lies beyond!

Kotomine: No† so fas†.

Karkat: YOU AGAIN?

Kotomine: Oh good. I† seems you haven'† forgo††en me. 

Caius: Stand aside, Kirei. You're just as much a puppet as I am.

Kotomine: And that is where you are wrong. I know full well wha I am about †o do. My presence was more than just a hasily-amended plo hole; Gilesbe had you hire me specifically so I could beray you.

Karkat: BUT WHY GO THROUGH ALL THAT TROUBLE?

Kotomine: Because of imporan and meaningful reasons.

Dave: and those reasons are???

Kotomine: I'm not elling you. 

Karkat: WHY?

Kotomine: Because hey're a secret.

Dave: of course they are.

Caius: And what exactly do you plan to do?

Kotomine: Using the powers given to me by the prophe, I will detonate a  me machine, as well as the Akasha Engine i houses. Will i won't kill you outright, i will trap you wihin a field of ani-ime so ha you canno inerfere with proceeding evens. As for the res, you will persis within the prophet's realm and be hunted down, one by one, by her elie band of warriors. And  is will happen in about, oh, hree seconds. Any las words?

Jake: Yes. I have some. *turns to caius* Remember Caius, whatever happens, you're sill a pimp. And pimps don't commit suicide.

Caius: ...Thank you. I think.



Twilight Sparkle: Great. I'm five minutes late to a party and this is what happens...


=====MEANWHILE=====

Edrobot: Awesome! I just killed everyone again! Now I'm one step closer to turning this show into the next Neon Genesis Evangelion!


Edrobot: Yep. This was a really well thought out plan with no holes in it.


DETECTIVE


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