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| "GARBAGE DAY!"
-Hamlet
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Jake: Well now that this roundabout distraction of dave's is over with, shall we proceed with the next verse in the ballad of dark yagami?
Karkat: JUST AS LONG AS IT'S NOT ACTUALLY A MUSICAL. LAST THING I NEED IS A SOLO ABOUT HOW GRUMPY I AM.
Pinkie Pie: ♩You're a mean one, mister crab...♩ ^o^
Karkat: WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SINGING?!
FLASHBACK: 1 month ago
FLASHBACK: 1 month ago
Dave: yo dawg i heard you like flashbacks so i dredged up this incredibly overused internet meme.
Watari House, England
Karkat: "WATARI HOUSE?"
Jake: The author is referring to wammy's house, an orphanage from the death note canon where exceptionally gifted orphans are trained to become the next "l". Presumably the author called it the "watari house" because he wanted to keep watari's real name (quillish wammy) a secret while at the same time revealing the house's founder much earlier than in canon, as the fact that dark went to whammy house is a major plot point.
Karkat: BUT YOU SPOILED JUST NOW.
Jake: ...Oh fucknuggets.
Mello was sitting in his dorm eating a chocolate bar. The floor was covered in lots of chocolate bar wrappers which went crunch when Mello stood on them.
There was a knock on the door.
"Come in!" said mello putting down his chocolate.
Dave: wanna bet mellos love for chocolate is the only thing the author remembers about this character?
The door spun open to reveal Dark standing wearing a dressing gown with a posh letter D on the back. He had an evil smile on his face and an even eviller one in his heart.
Dave: im gonna guess that dark here is a bad guy.
The door spun open to reveal Dark standing wearing a dressing gown with a posh letter D on the back. He had an evil smile on his face and an even eviller one in his heart.
Dave: im gonna guess that dark here is a bad guy.
"Where is Near?" asked Dark puzzled.
"He is near" joked Mello.
"Ha ha very funny" replied Dark.
Karkat: THAT PUN DOESN'T EVEN DIGNIFY A RIMSHOT.
"Ok he's gone to Scotland today but will be flying back this evening. Until then we'll be alone"
Dave: okay. sounds legit.
Pinkie: Mello, ace detective! ^-^
Mello started zipping his leather vest thingy "Want to have some fun?"
Karkat: WHY DOES EVERYTHING I READ INEVITABLY DEVOLVE INTO YAOI?!
Dark grinned and nodded. In a flash Mello had removed his close revealing just a set of black boxer shorts printed with lots of posh letter Ms.
Dave: i think this guy has a bit of an ego problem.
Dark pulled an pistol out of his dressing gown and pointed it at mello.
Pinkie: Mello, ace detective! ^-^
"Just because you look like a girl doesn't mean your hot."
Karkat: WHY DOES EVERYTHING I READ INEVITABLY DEVOLVE INTO YAOI?!
Dark grinned and nodded. In a flash Mello had removed his close revealing just a set of black boxer shorts printed with lots of posh letter Ms.
Dave: i think this guy has a bit of an ego problem.
Dark pulled an pistol out of his dressing gown and pointed it at mello.
Pinkie: Mello, ace detective! ^-^
"Just because you look like a girl doesn't mean your hot."
Dave:as far as pre mortem one liners go ive heard worse.
said Dark and shot him and stole his clothes (but not the boxers obv!).
Karkat: YES, STEAL MELLO'S VERY DISTINCT CLOTHES OFF HIS CORPSE. I'M SURE THAT WON'T MAKE YOU A SUSPECT OR ANYTHING.
Karkat: YES, STEAL MELLO'S VERY DISTINCT CLOTHES OFF HIS CORPSE. I'M SURE THAT WON'T MAKE YOU A SUSPECT OR ANYTHING.
Jake: Well at least we know why light was dressed like mello in the last chapter.
Karkat: LOOK AT ALL THE FUCKS I GIVE.
"I say! what's all this noise!" said Watari coming in the room.
"I say! what's all this noise!" said Watari coming in the room.
He saw Dark's gun and shouted
"Bloody bugger! You shot Mello! Now who will kill Kira"?
"Bloody bugger! You shot Mello! Now who will kill Kira"?
Dave: i think you have more immediate concerns here.
Dark shot Watari again and he fell to the floor shouting. Then he stopped shouting and died.
Pinkie: Well at least... *sunglasses* ...he got the last word.
◎-◎
◎-◎
Dave: hang on i got one.
he just had the right... *sunglasses* to bear arms.
no wait that kinda sucked. let me try again.
i guess the butler *sunglasses* just got served.
Jake: It was an execution *sunglasses* without restitution.
Karkat: THIS IS REALLY *SUNGLASSES* STUPID.
Once he had escaped the house, Dark took his mobile (AN: that's what English people call cellphones) and called a mysterious phone number.
==MEANWHILE==
Caius Ballad: I told you, if we want to destroy the timeline, we need to have the wrong people in the wrong places. To start with, we need to get-
*cell phone begins to ring*
Caius: ...hold on a second.
*picks up phone*
Caius: Who are you and how did you get my number?
Caliborn: HELLO. I AM WITH THE NATIONAL APPLIANCE INSPECTION BOARD OF THE uNITED ARAB EMIRATES AND NOT AN EVIL SPACE ALIEN WITH TOO MuCH TIME ON HIS HANDS.
Caius: ...what.
Caliborn: FIRST QUESTION; IS YOUR REFRIGERATOR ENGAGED IN A FORM OF HIGH-SPEED LOCOMOTION?
Caius: I don't own a refrigerator.
Caliborn: OH. ERR...
Caius: ...
Caliborn: I DIDN'T THINK THIS THROUGH.
Caius: No, you didn't.
Caliborn: I'LL HAVE MY REVENGE!!!!!!!!!!!
*Hangs up*
Electra: Who was that?
Caius: An irrelevant detail. Let's move on before we drown in them.
Caius: ...
Caliborn: I DIDN'T THINK THIS THROUGH.
Caius: No, you didn't.
Caliborn: I'LL HAVE MY REVENGE!!!!!!!!!!!
*Hangs up*
Electra: Who was that?
Caius: An irrelevant detail. Let's move on before we drown in them.
==BACK IN THE PRESENT I GUESS==
"I am your son Dark. The one you abandoned 19 years and sent to a boarding school in England. Well I have escaped now and I need you to do me a favor and dress up like Watari and confuse L."
Dave: sure ask the tokyo chief of police to impersonate a dead englishman. im sure that will work.
"How do you know about Watari?" asked the dad who was very confused.
"I killed him!"
Karkat: HAVING CONFESSED TO HIS CRIME OVER THE PHONE, SOCHIRO CONTACTED THE PROPER AUTHORITIES AND DARK WAS ARRESTED TEN MINUTES LATER. THE END.
There was a surprised gasp but then Soichiro came back and said he would do it but only if Dark came back to live with them in America.
Dave: i can see why this guy is the chief of police.
Dark agreed but he didn't have money so he would have to hide in a box and fly in an airplane and hope he didn't get spotted.
Pinkie: Metal Note Solid: Tactical Shinigami Action! ^_^
ONE WEEK LATER
Soichiro took the trunk off the spinner and carried it to the car. Noone but him knew that Dark was hiding inside it. They went through the x ray machine but that was no danger because the box had lead in it and that confused the machine and stopped the x rays being seen.
Karkat: OF COURSE IN REAL LIFE HE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE SUFFOCATED.
Jake: Dark? DARK? DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRK!
Once noone could see them Soichiro opened the box and Dark jumped out.
Pinkie: !
"Good job dad!" said Dark as he jumped into the car.
"Now take me to Light. I have a lot of interesting things to say to him…….."
PRESENT DAY
L dodged Light's dad's bullets and ran across the room. He hid behind a pile of candy and said "Stop Soichiro! I can help you"
Then Soichiro ran over and said "I know I have not really betrayed you.
Karkat: SO WHY WERE YOU SHOOTING AT HIM?!
Instead I have learned that Dark killed Watari and Mello."
Karkat: THAT DOES NOT ANSWER MY QUESTION!
L was shocked.
Pinkie: Watari and Mello... killed by Dark? -_-
Karkat: CUT IT OUT WITH THE METAL GEAR JOKES ALREADY.
"In fact I think that Dark is Kira"
Dave: um. why?
Jake: Well it makes sense if you think about it. After all Light is one of the main suspects in the Kira case.
Karkat: OH COME ON, L'S NEVER GOING TO BUY THAT.
"Of course! It all makes sense now!" shouted L. "He framed his twin brother when in fact he is killing people somehow. We have to stop him!"
Karkat: ...ONE OF THESE DAYS I'M GOING TO BE RIGHT ABOUT SOMETHING.
"I think I have a plan……." Said Soichiro twisting his mustache like an evil guy.
Jake: Note that the author's interpretation of soichiro draws inspiration from (among other things), dirty harry, renegade!shepard, the comic book version of the doomguy, and snidely whiplash.
DON'T WORRY THERE'S MORE SOON!
Karkat: OH GOD NO. HOW MUCH LONGER UNTILL WE CAN FINALLY ESCAPE THIS PURGATORY WE'VE TRAPPED OURSELVES IN?
Jake: Well we've almost found everything we need to piece together the time period of the prophet gilesbie. We just need one last trip to the cretatious period, and we'll be set. Assuming, of course, that nothing really bad happens.
Pinkie: And just what are the odds of that? ^-^
==MEANWHILE, IN A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT (AND SLIGHTLY BETTER WRITTEN) FANFICTION==
Kotomine Kirei: Gendo, you said you wan†ed to see me.
Gendo Ikari: That I did. I wanted to tell you in absolute private secrecy that NERV's secret plan to have teenagers fight the Angels using giant robots has hit a snag.
Kotomine: Has mike "†he si†uation" been reelected as president of the united states?
Gendo: No, worse. The NERV base has been invaded by ninjas.
Kotomine: Ninjas? But †he church's teachings say that Ninjas don'† exsis†!
Gendo: Oh, but they do... and they obey my commands! Ninjas! Destroy him!
Kotomine: Not so fas† *reveals soul gem*.
Gendo: Gasp! That's a soul gem!
Kotomine: Yes, †ha† is a soul gem. I made a magical girl contract with an incubator to become a magical guy.
Gendo: You must have made a contract with an incubator!
Kotomine: †ha† is wha† I said. And I saw all of † is coming, so I wished for an army of PIRA†ES!
Gendo: But little do you realize that my ninjas are actually ninja pirates!
Kotomine: So are mine, but †hey are also robo†s so they figh† be††er because they can'† get hungry and s†uff.
Gendo: But mine are ninja pirate zombies that also robots, so-
Caius: *ahem*
Kotomine: ...I'm sorry, do I know you?
Caius: No. But even if you did it wouldn't matter. I have an offer for you, Kotomine Kirei. How would you like to help destroy the timeline?
Kotomine: Wha†'s †he ca†ch?
Electra: ...that is the catch.
Kotomine: Well living in a †imeless hell withou† beginning or end sure bea†s hanging around in this badly-wri††en dreck. So long, Gendo. Just pretend I died or something.
Gendo: Uh... okay?
Kotomine: So wha†'s with the girl dressed like Gilgamesh?
Caius: ...it's a long story...
*Kotomine, Electra, and Caius Ballad leave the room*
Gendo: Oooh! I have slain my comrade! How can I possibly atone for my sins? *pulls out a gun* NINJA SEPPUKU!!! *shoots self in head*
DETECTIVE
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