Friday, October 26, 2012

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 15


Tell me what you know about dreamin’ dreamin’/you don't really know about nothin’ nothin’
tell me what you know about them night terrors every night / 5 am, cold sweats wakin’ up to the skies

-Don Quixote




=====Skaia City, MI: THE PRESENT=====

Lux Lexor: Sx we meet again, Emerald Claw!

Lant Krek: Lex Luxor, my Arch-Nemisis! Last time we met, I thought you had been banished to The Phantasmal Domain!?

Lux: Ha, how ostranomical of you! What you fought was merely one of my Replidorids!

Lant: Darn you, Lexor! Does you cunning know no bounds?!

Alfred Smith: (Lant. What are we doing here and why are you in that ridiculous outfit? STOP)

Lant: (Well, you guys know that I'm a superhero, right?)

Electra Pendragon: (This is the first I've heard of it.)

Alfred: (Yeah. Same here.)

Lant: (...didn't you guys read my Chumroll page?)

Electra: (Reading is the work of scribes, merchants, and other commoners.)

Alfred: (Did you ever read mine? STOP)

Lant: (Erm, no. I was... busy.)

Alfred: (And yet you had time to read my blog.)

Lant: (Look we're getting off track. Just help me punch this guy out and we can get back to CaiusQuest 2012)

Lux: What xn earth are yxu three cakesniffers babbling about? And whx are these little comraderoids xf yxurs, anyway?

Electra: Silence, Plebeian!  How dare you speak to royalty in that tone! Instead, please refer to me by my full name; Electra Rozelyn Sakura Belladonna Tokasha Emiya Brunestud Tono Nanaya Einzbern Pendragon.

Alfred: Yes! And refer to me by my real name; Alexander... um... Fisto... McAwesomeauce?. STOP

Lant: (...that's the best you could come up with?)

Alfred: (I spend hours on the "enter hero name" screen in RPGs. What did you expect?! STOP)

Lux: Well thxse are sxme intersting names you have there. And by intersting I mean they bxth really, really suck. BUT NX MATTER! While yxu were xccupied with Caius Ballad, I cxmmited THE ULTIMATE CRIME!

Lant: And that crime is...?!

Lux: I stxle FXURTY CAKES!

Alfred: That's not so bad. STOP

Lux: ...xf WEAPXNS-GRADE PLUTXNIUM!

Alfred: Oooh. That is terrible.

Lant: ...wait! What do you know about Caius?!

Lux: Ha! Like I'd ever tell yxu! After all, what is a man but a filthy pile of secrets! But enxgh talk; have at yxu then!

And then they proceeded to have the most above average superhero battle in Paradox Space.

=====The Vatican: THE PRESENT=====

Jake English: Well I just finished talking with the pope, and he said that we can poke around the place just as long as we don't cause a cataclysmic fireball that destroys everything in a seven mile radius.

Pinkie Pie: How oddly specific!

Karkat: I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TALKED ME INTO THIS. WHAT KIND OF MORON HIDES AN IMPORTANT THING USING BAD FANFICTION AS A TREASURE MAP?

Dave: a brilliant moron obviously. i mean i wouldnt have thought of doing something like that. but between my awesomeness, jakes knowledge of things nobody cares about, pinkie pie reading ahead in the script, and karkats ability to get everything wrong well find the shitty twist at the end in no time flat.

Jake: ...

Karkat: ...

Pinkie: ...

Jake: ...that's odd. I feel like we're forgetting something.


=====MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE MALT SHOP=====

Caliborn: ... I'M STARTING TO GET THE FEELING THAT THIS MONTH-LONG STAKEOUT PLAN OF MINE WASN'T VERY PRODuCTIVE.

The Great and Powerful Trixie: Noooo, really?

Sho Minamimoto = √(Uhhgghhhh... too... many... milkshakes...)


=====BACK IN THE VATICAN=====

Jake: Oh well it's probably nothing. Anyway, dave will you do the honors and tell us about japanese graphic novel series death note?

Dave: sure i guess. okay so you see death note is about this guy named light yagami whos really really smart and stuff. so one day he finds a magic notebook that lets him kill anyone whos name is written in it as long as he knows there face. and since he has an enormous ego light goes apeshit and decides to kill every criminal in the world and fulfill every jrpg villains dream by becoming god (at least in a metaphorical sense). thing is hes really smart so hes able to do go about his scheme in a way that even his father (the tokyo chief of police) doesn't suspect. but you see theres this possibly autistic guy named 'l' who is pretty much the greatest detective ever, and he suspects that light yagami is 'kira' (that is, the unknown guy killing all the criminals). but he cant prove it so lots of complicated stuff happens where they both race to out-gambit each other in increasingly complicated ways. also theres a clingy girl named misa who is in love with light despite him just using her and some other characters but there not important. but anyway. death note is a good counter-example to any argument that shonen manga is just for kids. its smart its dark its philosophical and its got an attractive male lead who is pitted against a quirky loner which means its got plenty of fuel for slash fic. something for everyone really.

Jake: Thank you dave, i'll have that book up sometime. Today we'll be reading light and dark, the adventures of dark yagami, a piece that presents a curious "what-if" scenario; "what if light had a smarter, eviler twin brother?" And if what Hari Seldon's note said is correct, this story will lead us to the answers we seek!

Karkat: ...THIS WILL NOT END WELL.

AN: Hi thanks for reading! Please rate high!

Jake: Ahah! Proof that we're on the right track; he's using things that sound like "hi" at the beginning and end of these two sentences. For those in the know, the double reverse phonetic palendrome is the calling card of the Rosicrutians; a secret society formed by upper ecsilons of the Knights Templar, an organization that builds it's present-day theology on the esoteric truths of the ancient past!


Dave: double reverse phonetic palindrome???

Jake: Yes, exactly! Not only that, but in this one case the author signs it with the phrase "an", which a layman would mean "authors note" but in reality is shorthand for "A rosicruciaN"

Karkat: ASSUMING YOUR RIDICULOUS LEAP IN LOGIC ISN'T COMPLETE BULLSHIT, WHAT'S OUR NEXT MOVE, THEN?

Jake: Read onwards and see what clues the author may have left.

 Note this story has some cusses but its Light's dad that says them so its pretty funny. Also if you know what Light's mom is called please tell me lol!

Jake: "What light's mom is called..." this must be referring to the virgin mary, mother of jesus, so the first clue must be located in a statue of mary. But he also said that the oaths "light's dad" makes are "pretty funny". "pretty funny" in latin is "pulchellus ridiculam". And if we translate that into rot 13, and remove the everything that doesn't spell out a roman numeral, we get "CVV" or, 110. Thus, from the statue of St. Joseph we must proceed 110 digrees counterclockwise from true north untill we reach a statue of mary.

Karkat: IF THAT IS NOT THE STUPIDEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD, IT IS AT LEAST A SERIOUS CONTENDER FOR SECOND PLA-

Pinkie: Found it! It was hidden in this sewer pipe!^-^

Jake: Good work, Pinkamina! I should have known that the clue was hidden the sprawling vatican sewers. After all Roman slaves used to hide there, back before the guals used them as alligator breeding grounds!

Dave: the romans raised alligators?

Jake: Yes, under the degree of Emperor Nero the romans raised alligators in order to serve as anti-cavalry units. This is why The Parthenon is built entirely out of alligator skulls!

Phelous: You get it? He's getting all this historical stuff wrong because this is supposed to be a shallow parody of Dan Brown's books, and Dan Brown is famous for making lots of stupid research mistakes and taking liberties with things! GET THE JOKE?

Karkat: ...

Phelous: Yeah, I'll be going now...

Light and Dark – The Adventures of Dark Yagami

Dave: probably the best-written sentence in the whole story.

It was a hot day and Light came home from school. As he got to his house he saw a strange car outside and he knew immediately it was not American because the wheel was on the wrong side.

Jake: "Wheel on the wrong side"... what could that possibly mean?

Dave: maybe it means we have to calculate pi backwards in order to get a cypher that we need to trace an encryption key used to translate data from an ancient computer that we found using the dead sea scrolls.

Jake: OF COURSE! BRILLIANT! And it's a good thing I always keep a copy on hand...

Dave: (i was only kidding...)

He walked in the front door to find his dad Soichiro and his mom (AN: I cant remember her name sorry!). They looked surprised to see him.

Dave: they must have really low expectations if coming home from school surprises them.

"Mom dad what's going on?" Light asked them.

"Light we have something to tell you" said his dad while playing with his mustache.

Pinkie: Currently it was beating him in Street Fighter II! ^-^

"This is your twin brother Dark Yagami" they both said together, and pointed to the guy in the corner of the room.

Dave: weve been practicing that introduction for months. you like it??

Dark looked exactly the same as Light except that he had black hair and was dressed like Mello

Karkat: OH GREAT, A COPY-CAT SUE. JUST WHAT WE NEEDED.

Dave: did you really expect a guy named "dark" yagami to be anything else.

Karkat: A MAN CAN DREAM, CAN'T HE?

 (but Light hadn't met mello yet so he didn't know that ;-) ).

Dave: oh yeah spoilers i forgot about that.

 He got up and walked across the room.

Karkat: WAIT, I GOT THIS ONE. IT SAYS HE GOT UP AND WALKED ACROSS THE ROOM... UH... JUST LIKE JESUS WALKED ACROSS THE WATER? SO WE NEED FOLLOW THE WATER TO FIND OUR DESTINATION!

Jake: Don't be silly, Karkat. It's obviously a double reverse mobius equation that spells out a binary digit that we need to use as a constant in fermats last theorem in order to return an ordinal number we can used to triangulate the ether signal.

Karkat: OH OF COURSE, HOW SILLY OF ME.

"Hi bro! I'm Dark!" he said lolling and offered his hand to shake.

"How could you not tell me about this!?" Light shouted like mad.

Karkat: I MEAN IT'S NOT LIKE *I* KEEP ANY POTENTIALLY LIFE-CHANGING SECRETS HIDDEN FROM MY FRIENDS AND FAMI- OH WAIT NEVERMIND.

"We sent him to a top secret orphanage in Whales (its a town in England)

Karkat: YOU. FAIL. GEOGRAPHY. *FOREVER*.

Jake: Actually karkat, there is a village in south yorkshire called "wales".

Karkat: ...PLEASE KILL ME NOW.

 where he would learn to be the next L.

Dave: uh. again. spoilers.

 We can't tell anyone because its top secret and kira might find out and Kira might try to kill him" his mom said.

Karkat: BUT JUST *WHAT* ARE THE ODDS OF *THAT* HAPPENING? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA... I HATE MY LIFE.

Light was crazy and punched table.

Pinkie: YAGAMI, SMASH! V0V

"I'm going to my room! Come on Sayu!" he said and Sayu (Light's sister lol!) followed him upstairs.

Dave: so the author cant remember lights moms name but can remember his sister? strange and kinda disturbing priorities you have there.

"I'm sorry light I wanted to tell you about Dark but mom and Soichiro wouldn't let me."

Karkat: ...REALLY? EVEN LIGHT'S SISTER WAS IN IN THE SECRET? AND LIGHT YAGAMI, THE GUY WHO MAKES DAVID XANATOS LOOK LIKE THE GUY WHO MANS THE RING TOSS BOOTH AT CARNIVALS, DIDN'T SUSPECT A THING.

Pinkie: One day that overstuffed Sonic doll will be mine! >_<

Karkat: ...YES, THANK YOU. THAT COMMENT WAS VERY HELPFUL.

"That's ok!" Light replyed "Your my sister and I know how much you love me!"

"Thanks Light!" they hugged.

Dave: ...great turnaround there.

Jake: It's indicative of how strong their familial bond is, or for the more cynical-minded how far light will go to maintain the illusion of being an ordinary high school student.

Karkat: STOP PRETENDING THAT THERE'S CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT IN HERE.

"I hope I'm not interrupting anything!" It was Dark.

"Come on Dark I've got something to show you" Light said and they went into their room (Light's parents had made light's bed into a double bed (I know what your thinking sickos no theres no slash!)).

Dave: aww really? thats too bad i was really looking forward to seeing light engaged in erotic twincest.

Pinkie: *continues reading a Game of Thrones* ...uhhh... give me a few days and I'll come up with some new material.

Light put the pencil in the door to stop people listening and said "I'm Kira".

Dave: and now you tell this so-called twin of yours who you only met five minutes ago more than your own sister. clearly light yagami is the napoleon of crime.

Karkat: IT'S NOW TIME FOR THE PART OF THE SHOW I WOULD LIKE TO CALL "THEY MISSED THE POINT COMPLETELY". THE "PENCIL IN THE DOOR" THING MENTIONED HERE IS A CALL BACK TO EARLY ON IN THE MANGA, WHERE LIGHT DEMONSTRATES HOW CLEVER HE IS BY EXPLAINING TO RYUK THE SAFEGUARDS HE PUT IN PLACE TO PREVENT PEOPLE FROM SUSPECTING THAT HE'S KIRA. ONE OF THE MORE PARANOID THINGS HE DID WAS PUT A PENCIL *LED*, NOT A WHOLE PENCIL, INTO HIS DOORFRAME, SO THAT IF ANYONE TRIED TO OPEN IT THE LED WOULD SNAP. THIS WAY LIGHT WOULD KNOW IF ANYONE WAS SPYING IN HIS ROOM.

Dave: dude. calm the fuck down.

Dark immediately shooted "I know it!"

Dave: didnt see that coming.

"Your a worthy successor to L I know why your his successor now." Light said.

"Don't worry bro I wont tell anyone. In fact I have a death note of my own." Dark replied pulling a blood red notebook out of pants (he put it there in case his bags was searched).

Dave: you of all people pantskrat should know all about hiding things in your pants.

Karkat: HUSSIE MAKES ONE ARTISTIC SCREW-UP AND I NEVER HEAR THE END OF IT...

"Hey your death note is a different colour to mine" he said pointing to the black death note in Light's draw.

Jake: This of course is bringing attention to the fact that Dark Yagami is meant to be a foil to Light Yagami, by being an even more ruthless version of an already ruthless manipulator, in order to have Light examine himself from an outside perspective.

"Stop saying colour! Your in America now! Its color!" Light replied exaspirated.

Karkat: AND TO THINK I THOUGHT THAT THING ABOUT TAKING PLACE IN AMERICA WAS JUST A THROWAWAY LINE...

Dave: at least he didn't say 'ejaculated'.

Pinkie: Hey Jake, I just realized you don't sound very english yourself! ^.^

Jake: Er, what? I mean... pip pip cherrio e wot bob's yer uncle govnah?

Dave: yeah do us all a favor and don't do that again.

"Sorry lol" Dark said.

"This is my shinigami" he said and light saw a big monster appear. He was like twice the size of Ruyk and had a big mowhawk made of blood and skulls.

Dave: i imagine this is the kind of guy rob liefeld would make. hed be sketching out some shitty guy like this all day while stoned (because who else would draw like that unironically??) and when hes done he pushes his chair back and is all like. this is my newest most original character. i will call him... 'bludhawk'.

Even Light was scarred of him. He was eating bananas like Ruyk ate apples but they were blood bananas made of blood.

Pinkie: next time, on "My little Shinigami; Redundancy is Redundant"!

"He's big" said Light as the shinigami bit down on a blood banana "What's his name/"

"MY NAME IS BLUD" said Blud as he kept eating the blood banana

Dave: woah what do you know. i guess it turns out im just as clever as a shitty fanfic author. now if you excuse me i need to play video games and cry into a pillow while i reexamine my life.

 "I AM THE NEW KING OF THE SHINIGAMI

Karkat: WHAT IS WITH THIS GUY'S SPEECH IMPEDIMENT? HAS HE EVER HEARD OF VOICE MODULATION?!

 AND I HAVE A SPECIAL DEATH NOTE THAT KILLS ANYONE WHOS NAME IS WRITTEN IN IT EVEN IF YOU DONT KNOW THERE FACE OR NAME"

Karkat: SO IF I WRITE DOWN "THAT GUY I DON'T LIKE." WOULD IT KILL EVERYONE I DON'T LIKE, OR JUST ONE SPECIFIC PERSON?

Jake: Well i'm no expert on the series, but given that the death note seems to be mildly telepathic and possibly sentient (what with the ability to tell if someones thinking of a given face) i suppose it depends on how angry you were.

Dave: but if we ever find one lets not try it out okay? i dont think thered be anyone left alive after you were done.

"I have to unpack now said Dark

"Ok I will leave you to it" Light replied and exited the door.

Dave: light yagami criminal mastermind.

Dark took his cellphone out of his special place (AN: figure it out for yourself lol!)

Karkat: NO. THANK. YOU.

 and pressed the L button.

Dave: yeah way to make the phone destination obvious.

L's phone began to ring

"Hello who is this how did you get my number?" L said angry.

"I am D" Dark said "I have killed Mello and stolen his clothes and run away from Watari's house."

Dave: a certain count from pet shop of horrors would like word with you.

Pinkie: Vun! Two! Three bats! Ah, ah, ah! ^vv^

Dave: not that kind of count.

"What?! But Watari would have told me if M was dead." L said shockingly.

"I also killed Watari" said Dark who was playing with his red death note.

Pinkie: It was also beating beating Dark in Street Fighter II! ^-^

L looked around his room. Watari was still standing in the corner just like he always did.

Karkat: I GUESS THIS IS THE HIGH-STAKES SHONEN ESPIONAGE VERSION OF "IS YOUR REFRIGERATOR RUNNING?".

"But who's this with me then" L asked?

"A fake"

At that moment Watari took his mask off and it was (GASP!) Light's dad!

Dave: what a twist??

Karkat: ESPECIALLY IMPRESSIVE GIVEN THAT SOCHIRO HAD TO GO ABOUT 60,000 MILES PER HOUR TO GET BETWEEN HERE AND WALES IN THE FIVE MINTUES THAT SCENE TOOK.

"Die you pies of shit!" Soichiro said as he pulled out his gun and pointed it at Ls head.

Dave: nah. too easy.

TO BE CONTINUED!?

Karkat: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(yes!)

Karkat: DAMN IT.

Jake: Shhhh! Keep it down! We're approaching the Sacred Chamber of Ultimate Destiny. You could accidently set off a trap or something.

????: I'm afraid i†'s a little la†e for tha†, child.


Jake: Cor blimey, it's...! It's...! Dave who is this guy.

Dave: oh thats just kotomine kirei. hes an evil priest the villain of that visual-novel-turned-meidocre anime i mentioned a couple episodes ago.

Pinkie: And now that we've officially confirmed that this setting coexists with the nasuverse, our cosmology grows more complicated than ever!

Kotomine Kirei: Jus† be glad the author didn'† choose someone really obscure, like Merem Solomon.


Dave: who??

Kotomine: Exac†ly.


Karkat: SO LET ME GUESS; YOU WANT THE SECRETS OF THE PROPHET GILESBIE SO YOU CAN DESTROY GOD OR WHATEVER BECAUSE YOU HAD A HORRIBLE CHILDHOOD BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Kotomine: Actually i†'s because I am a sadis†ic psychopa†h who only †akes pleasure from wa†ching others suffer. Bu† yes, †ha† is more or less my end goal.

Dave: and why shouldnt we just beat the crap out of you right now?

Kotomine: Because I have se† up an an†ima††er †ha† will kill everything in a seven mile radius unless you give in†o my demands.


Karkat: *FACEPALM*

Jake: And those demands are?

Kotomine: I need you †o... start †he sixth Holy Grail War!


Pinkie: DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!


=====Skaia City, MI: THE PRESENT=====

Lux: Cure yxu, Emerald Claw! I will have my reveeeeeeeeeenge!

Alfred: Well that was... mildly amusing.

Lant: Yeah, Lux Lexor isn't usually all that dangerous. It's the higher-tier villains like Galatico and Darksled that you really need to worry about.

Electra: Hmph! It only went so well because I was helping. You would be lost without me...

Alfred: Actually, dear, you barely did a thing.

Lant: Yeah, I mean that infinite swords thing would have been really helpful back there.

Electra: Well there just wasn't anything worthless enough in the Gate of Babylon for me to use. And don't call me "dear"!

Lant: ...listen. Electra. If you're going to continue to follow us, we're going to need to lay down some ground rules. First of all, stop trying to eat my Lusus. Second, if you're going to eat all our snacks, you're going to have to pay for them. Third, if you want to have a serious discussion about shipping, we can have that, but-

*suddenly, everyone is frozen in place*

Electra: ...hello? *waves hand in front of Lant* That's strange, it's hard enough to get them to stop talking when I want them to, let alone when I don't...

Caius Ballad: Ahem.

Electra: *gasp* Who are-?

Caius: My name is not important. But what I have to say is-

Electra: OH EMM GEE YOU ARE SO HAWT. 

Caius: ...excuse me?

Electra: Oh my god oh my god oh my god that hair... those leather clothes... that vaguely feminine yet still somehow manly face... PLZ BE MY BOYFRIEND! PLZ PLZ PLZ PLZ PLZ-*mouth gets duct-taped over*

Caius: Don't interrupt. Now, as I was saying... have you ever wondered where exactly your powers have come from?

Electra: *shakes head*

Caius: Of course you haven't, fish seldom think of the water they live in, so why should you think of Paradox?

Electra: * mumbling that sounds like "Paradox?"*

Caius: Yes, Paradox, the force created by corruption of the timeline. You, Electra Pendragon, are a living nexus of Paradox. As far as I can tell there are three possibilities as to the source of your power: First, you really could hail from that impossible timeline of yours, which has no doubt been sealed away by Jake English and his companions. Second, you could be an ordinary girl who got swept up in a Paradox Storm containing a portion of the Throne of Heroes. And third, you could simply be the personification of Paradox itself, and you took the form you are currently in because your sprit resonated with the fanfiction obsessed time traveler known as Alfred Smith. In any case, once English finishes fixing the time line, no matter what you are you will cease to exist as the timestream realigns itself, depriving you of Paradox.

Electra: *panicked muttering*

Caius: Take a deep breath, and speak clearly *removes duct tape*.

Electra: *inhales* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! *Caius re-applies duct tape*

Caius: Yes, I thought as much. However, there is a way that you can prolong your existence...

Pinkie: DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!

Electra: *mumbling that sounds like "what the hell was that?"*

Caius: I have no idea. And I'm not sure I want to.

=====MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE MALT SHOP=====

Caliborn: SHO! I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE! I'M... PREGANT! WITH YOuR CHILD!



Pinkie: DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!


Sho Minamimoto = √(...really?)

Caliborn: NAH I'M JuST MESSING WITH YA. BuT WOuLDN'T THAT MAKE A SHITTY TWIST?! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA AH HA HA AH AH AH AH HA!!!!!!!!!!!

Sho Minamimoto = √(HA * 11!)

Gamzee Makara: hA hA hE hE hO hO.

TGAP Trixie: Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho!

Gaz Membrane: Wierdos...


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