Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 34

???: Ballad... I see you have returned to your old ways. Is attempted destruction of the timeline not enough for you?

Caius Ballad: You have no need to fear me, Monitor. I have made a warrior's oath to return to my duties as guardian of time. In fact, I am here for the same reason you are; to uncover the key to The Great Disaster.

???: ...Very well. I have already witnessed The Wall's answer, and it is meaningless to me. Perhaps you might shed a bit more light on the answer's meaning.

Paddra Nsu-Yeul: The wall... it speaks!

*A series of letters written in 100-foot tall flames appear in front of the Source Wall*

Caius: Let me see; P...H...E...L... oh you've got to be kidding me.

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 33

Alfred Smith: (Great work, Electra! We made it into the citadel without being spotted!) *STOP*

Electra Pendragon: (Was there ever any doubt?)

Lant Kreck: (Yes. But that's not important right now)

Alfred: (Correct. Now that we're inside, we need to work in the shadows to find a way to stop the Prophet Gilesbie's plan from succeeding. You have your watches synchronized?)

Electra: (Yep.)

Lant: (Affirmative.)

Alfred: (Good. Operation "Balamb Garden" is now-)

Dirk: Yo.

Alfred: EEK! *leaps into Electra's arms, whereupon she just drops him* Oh, wait. Dirk, Jade, it's you! How did you get here? Where's Troll Phelous?

Dirk: Long story, I'll explain later.

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 32

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======At the JEMToSR3K boardroom ======

Edrobot: What?! What do you mean you're not going to kill off Troll Phelous Something Something D1?!

The Devil: IT'S LIKE THE KIDS SAID. NOBODY CARES ABOUT HIM, SO HIS DEATH WOULD BE COMPLETELY MEANINGLESS.

Edrobot: Nooo! How else am I going to show that the stakes are now higher than ever?!

The Devil: YOU COULD ALWAYS HAVE ME KILL AN ACTUALLY POPULAR CHARACTER.

Edrobot: I guess I could do that and bring him back as a cyborg in the next season...

The Devil: YEAH ABOUT THAT. MY CONTRACT SAYS THAT IF I GET TO KILL SOMEONE, THAT PERSON HAS TO STAY DEAD FOREVER.

Edrobot: Oh. Well what about-

The Devil: NO YOU CAN'T INTRODUCE A CLONE.

Edrobot: Then how about-

The Devil: NO TWIN SIBLINGS.

Edrobot:  But what if we-

The Devil: OR CHANGELING DOPPELGANGERS.

Edrobot: Well fuck.

The Devil: SO, WHAT'S IT GONNA BE THEN, BOSS?

Edrobot: *sigh* all right, here's what you're going to do.

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 29

Meulin: \(=^..^)/

Rose: That's right, Meulin. It's about time we get a character focus episode. 

Roxy: i know right? i just hope the producer hasn't run good ideas yet.

Sollux: oh come on what are the odd2 of that?

Wolf O'Donnel: Yo yo yo, Wolfie D and Daddy B are in da HOUSE!

Big Daddy: ...

Sollux: never miind.

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 28

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Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 27

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Last time, on Jake Englishs' Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the year 3000...

Phelous: Okay, it's time for me to review fanfiction because Jake English isn't here which automatically means I get to steal his show. So today we're going to read this copy of Fifty Shades of Gray that I found in an ancient Indian burial ground!

Obscuras Lupa: No, you fool! You'll destroy us allllllll!

Phelous: *Pfft* What's the worst that could happen.

*Cut to Darkdeath Evilman standing in the ruins of Phelous' house*

Darkdeath Evilman: Fools! Now that you have released me from my eternal slumber, I, Darkdeath Evilman, of Orgy XIII, shall bring ruin upon this pathetic planet!

Phelous: Hmm, maybe I shoudln't have drawn that pentagram before I started reading...

*Cut to Lux Lexor tied to a chair in an interrogation room*

Lux Lexor: Huh? What? Where am I?

Twilight Sparkle: Good evening, criminal. You have been forcefully drafted into Task Force X, better known as the Suicide Squad.

*Cut to Sho Minamimoto, The Great and Powerful Trixie, Gaz and Lux Lexor fighting covenant soldiers with machine guns*

Twilight (voiceover): Your mission; destroy Darkdeath Evilman before his armies breach the earth's core.

*Cut to Dr. Insano showing Sho a piece of paper*

Dr. Insano: Look carefully, the owls are not what they seem!

*Cut to an owl transforming into giant robot and then killing Phelous*

Phelous: OOOOOH MYYYY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD! *DEAD*

*Cut to Caius Ballad and Kotomine Kirei playing chess*

Caius: How long must we play this game, priest? Eventually, all things must come to an end...

Kotomine: Checkma†e.

Caius: ...Best two out of three?

*Cut to a shadowy throne room somewhere*

Jade Edwards: -|----- My lady, the Canadian one has took the bait. Darkdeath Evilman has been unleashed into realspace.

Prophet Gilesbie: kawaiicelent!!!! thos prepz wont' know what him them unthull its toolate. lol!

Jade Edwards: -|----- Yes... L-O-L indeed...

*Cut to Jade Edwards and Bladevash Dragonfang having a conversation somewhere in The Ways Between*

Bladevash Dragonfang: I still say we should jump her while we have the chance...

Jade E.: -|----- Paitence, Vash. Just string her a long a little longer, and soon the throne will be mine...

Bladevash Dragonfang: ...you mean "ours", right?

Jade E.: -|----- ...yes. That is exactly what I said.

Bladevash Dragonfang: But what of the boy who lived... through SBURB... who is not Jake English?

Jade E.: -|----- I would prepare yourself for battle at the earliest possible convenience. And be warned, he may look like a pushover, but he is more powerful than one might expect...

*Cut to Alfred Smith thrashing about in an amazon basin*

Alfred Smith: Oh my god I'm covered in leeches! Get em off me get em off me get em off me! STOP

And now, for the exciting conclusion.

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 25

"Future events, such as these, will effect you in the future." -Nostradamus

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===== Last time, on "A Game of Thrones" =====

Edrobot: Last time, on "A Game of Thrones".

Caliborn: YES, I HAVE WON THE GAME OF THRONES!

Gamzee: No, JoHn. YoU ArE ThE MoThErFuCkInG GaMe oF ThRoNeS.

Caliborn: OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

===== Meanwhile, at the Bad Idea Factory =====

Tavros Nitram: sO, uHH, wHERE ARE WE EXACTLY,

Kanaya Maryam: Given What The Trasition Text Says I Would Assume We Are In A Place Called The Bad Idea Factory

John: i guess that would explain all the machinery. but what are they making?

Kankri: It appears t9 6e un9ffical ficti9n 9f vaguely equine cart99n characters that are, f9r increasingly flimsy reas9ns (trigger warning f9r er9t9ph96es) perf9rming h9m9er9tic sex acts.

John: what?

Kanaya: He Says This Entire Factory Was Built To Do Nothing But Print My Little Pony Slash Fic

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 24

Edrobot: Last time, on JEMToSRFtY3k; Lant Kreck and Alfred Smith were stuck in a forest somewhere but now they arn't. That's about it, really.

Lant Kreck: So... where are we now? 

Alfred Smith: It appears to be some sort of village. Perhaps inhabited by an indigenous tribe of hunter-gatherers...

Lant: An indigenous tribe of hunter-gatherers with a pepsi machine *points to pepsi machine*?

Alfred: Stranger things have happened...

???: Halt! Who goes there?

Alfred: Uh, Lant? I think a little girl is pointing an enormous spear at us.

Lant: Looks like it.

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 23

"I WAS FROZEN, TODAY!"

-Ghandi

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Karkat: UUUGH... MY HEAD FEELS LIKE IT'S IN A TRASH COMPACTOR... DID I JUST DIE AND GO TO TROLL HEAVEN?

Pinkie Pie: Karkat! You're finally awake! Hooray! ^0^

Dave: took you long enough.

Karkat: NOPE. LOOKS LIKE I ENDED UP IN THE OTHER PLACE.

Dave: seriously though. all kidding aside where the hell are we??

Jake: We're in the "labyrinth of bliss", a demiplane located in the 1.33rd dimension between two particles of time where the prophet gilesbie's whims become reality, and the only physical law is what one truly believes in their heart of hearts.

Karkat: WHERE'D YOU LEARN ALL THIS?

Jake: It wasn printed on that plaque over by the gift shop. They've got some really neat stuff! Look; a t-shirt that says 'i was obliterated by the prophet gilesbie and all i got was this t-shirt'!

Karkat: HOW CHEERY.

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 22

Episode 22

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Jake English: Today's the day we finally confront caius ballad once and for all!

Kankri: Very well, 6ut first you need t9 attend this "christmas" party.

Karkat Vantas: WHY?

Kankri: 6ecause it w9uld 6e extremely rude n9t t9, and 9ur n9n-presence w9uld als9 help t9 f9ster the n9ti9n 9f it 6eing a "6l99d-class exclusive" affair. And I'm afraid it w9uld 9nly be a slippery sl9pe fr9m there t9 full-9n dep9tism...

Dave: that and our contract says we have to do a christmas special.

Karkat: *facepalm*

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 21

No, I did not actually draw this.

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LAST TIME, ON JAKE ENGLISH'S MYSTERIOUS THEATER OF SCIENTIFIC ROMANCE FROM THE YEAR 3000:

Jake: We have to stop the HoundFox virus!

Dave: done. now what?

Kankri: I'm 6aking c99kies.

Dave: okay lets do that.

And now, for the thrilling conclusion!

Kankri: Karkat, you're d9ing it all wr9ng. Y9u have t9 stir the 6atter cl9ck-ways.

Karkat Vantas: WHAT NO. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT WAY YOU STIR IT, IT ALL ENDS UP THE SAME.

Kankri: 6ut y9u w9nt learn anything if y9u keep changing directi9ns, 9r rather y9ull learn t9 d9 it in a su6-par fasshi9n that varies the quality 9f each 6atch. Y9ull never 6ecome a pr9fessi9nal chef at this rate.

Karkat: I DON'T WANT TO BE A CHEF, I JUST WANT TO GET THIS DONE WITH SO I CAN GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM YOU AND YOUR INCESSANT BLATHERING.

Kankri: It seems like s9me9ne needs m9re the9l9gy and ge9metry in his lfie. W9uldn't y9u agree, Strider?

Dave: im sorry what? i cant hear you with these headphones on ad these mixers running.

Kankri: Ineed. N9w, t9 6egin with...

Karkat: OH GOD I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE. JAKE, YOU HAVE MORE OF THAT PONY STORY?

Jake: Right here! 

Karkat: START READING IT, THEN. ANYTHING BETTER THAN THIS IDIOT'S RANTINGS.

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 20

This is actually the original fic's actual cover art. I just borrowed it because I'm lazy.

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Jake English: Here we are, Equestria, the winter of 2012. According to our research, the next clue is located on the DNA sequence of HoundFox virus. A virus that, if not stopped, could mutate into a supervirus that would destroy all of Equestria! No doubt Caius' meddling with the timeline will prevent the vaccine from being made, thus allowing him to acquire a virus sample more easily!

Dave Strider: how are we going to do that?

Jake: Simple! We just need to accelerate research on the virus. *notices Twilight Sparkle walking down the street* Quiet, here she comes. Now, the plan is that i'm going to pretend to be an unconscious argentinean youth, while karkat will play the part of an irate organ grinder. Now, when i give the signal, we will begin to sing select verses from 'the sound of music' for pinkie to steal twilight sparkle's day planner. Then dave will go back in time and ensure though time shenanigans that-

Pinkie Pie: Hey, Twi! Whatever you do, make sure you make a vaccine for the HoundFox virus! ^0^

Twilight Sparkle: Thanks Pinkie, but I got that done yesterday*

Pinkie: Wow! That was fast!

Twilight: Uh, thank you? Oh, and Pinkie, are you are coming to the Christmas party next week?

Pinkie: At Jade's place? Wouldn't miss it for the world!

Twilight: Glad to hear it. Sorry I can't stick around, I have some research to do on what this "Christmas" thing is all about in the first place.

Karkat Vantas: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. CAN WE GO NOW?

Jake: I'm afraid not. The time machine still needs to refuel.

Karkat: UGH. IF WE'RE GOING TO READ BADFICS, CAN WE AT LEAST GET OUT OF THE COLD FIRST?

Pinkie: Sure! Let's go to my place!

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 19

T-rex: Hey guys, I heard you were reviewing some BAD FANFICTION. Can I help?

Jake: Karkat, why is a dinosaur talking to us?

Karkat: BECAUSE APPARENTLY THEY HAD VOCAL CORDS. WHO KNEW?

Dave: sure why not. its not like wed be able to stop you what with your huge teeth and all.

T-Rex: AWESOME!

Jake: ...I don't suppose you wouldn't know anything about Cowboy Bebop, would you?

T-Rex: Do I ever!

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 18

"GARBAGE DAY!" 

-Hamlet

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Jake: Well now that this roundabout distraction of dave's is over with, shall we proceed with the next verse in  the ballad of dark yagami?

Karkat: JUST AS LONG AS IT'S NOT ACTUALLY A MUSICAL. LAST THING I NEED IS A SOLO ABOUT HOW GRUMPY I AM.

Pinkie Pie: ♩You're a mean one, mister crab...♩ ^o^

Karkat: WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SINGING?!

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 17

Episode 17

Sonichu, Issue #0

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Dave: so thats it? no witty diatribe or contrived setups today? we review sonichu or the universe explodes?

Future!Dave: pretty much. i mean i spent hours making that video look as shitty as possible not to mention finding a moron gullible enough to actually sing for me.

Dave: i can live with that. lets get this train wreck rollin already.

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 16

Episode 16

Hart Shaped Love

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of dog, it's too dark to read."

- Socrates

Kotomine Kirei: So, Karka†, will you star† the fif†h Holy Grail War?

Karkat Vantas: NO. THE LAST THING WE NEED IS ANOTHER STUPID STORY ARC BASED ON A STUPID TV SHOW.

Edrobot: What?! Noooo, a Fate/Stay Night story arc would have been awesome! You were going to have Don Quioxtie as your Servant, and between fanfics you'd go around and make witty remarks about stuff!

Dave Strider: dont we do that anyway??

Edrobot: Well yes, but...

Jake English: Plus you're already stretching our audience's patience by making caius ballad our main villain. If they don't know who he is, they certainly wont know about kotomine.

Kotomine: He's got a poin†.

Edrobot: Okay fine... sorry about the false alarm, Kirei. If it's any consolation, I heard there's a Evangelion/Madoka Magica crossover down the hall that's looking for a third wheel, if you're interested.

Kotomine: †hanks, I'll look into that. Bu† jus† remember, if you ever need anyone murdered...

Edrobot: Uh, yeah. I'll keep you in mind. So long!

Kotomine: Farewell, Ed. And good luck on your project; I'm forward to seeing it crash and burn.

Dave: what a nice sociopathic murderer.

Karkat: SO BACK ON TRACK; NOW WHAT DO WE DO?

Jake: Well we've been pretty busy lately, so I think we deserve a break. Let's go back home for the Halloween Party!

Karkat: ...IT'S NOVEMBER.

Dave: we have a time machine. your argument is invalid.

Jake: Tallyho!

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 15

Tell me what you know about dreamin’ dreamin’/you don't really know about nothin’ nothin’
tell me what you know about them night terrors every night / 5 am, cold sweats wakin’ up to the skies

-Don Quixote

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Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 14

Special thanks to all the cosplayers who sacrificed their dignity to post pictures of themselves on the internet for me to steal. YOU HAVE DONE YOUR COUNTRY PROUD.

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=====Trantor, sometime in THE FUTURE=====

Jake English: Well chaps, here we are; trantor, the center of the galactic empire for the past 12,000 years!

Karkat Vantas: YEP. IT'S TRANTOR ALL RIGHT.

Dave Strider: it suuuure is.

Pinkie Pie: ^_^

Karkat: ...

Dave: ...

Jake: ...

Karkat: TRANTOR IS THE PLACE WITH ALL THE SAND WORMS, RIGHT?

Jake: No, that's arrkis.

Karkat: OH, RIGHT.

Dave: ...

Jake: ...

Pinkie: These are not the droids you are looking- ^-^

Dave: thats from star wars.

Pinkie: Oh, right. -_-

Karkat: ...

Dave: ...

Jake: ...On further reflection, it appears that there aren't as many jokes i can make about the foundation trilogy as i originally thought.

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 13

===2500 BC===

Gilgamesh: Well, it took me a whole week, but I finally achieved my dream of to building a life-sized statue of myself entirely out of toothpicks and playing cards. And several thousand years before either of those things were invented! Servants! *clap clap*

Random Servant #1: Yes, my lord?

Gilgamesh: I need one of you to invent ice cream so that I may have it with dinner tonight, so that I may celebrate my glorious achievements, and have the other servants get to work on inventing glue to hold the statue together. Untill then I don't want anyone coming within a thousand cubits of it, do you understand?

Random Servant #1: Yes, your highness, I will protect it with my very life!

*Tardis Noises. Time machine lands on statue of Gilgamesh.*

Karkat Vantas: YOU CALL THAT A LANDING?!

Jake English: Sorry, it seems that the old girl pulls a bit to the left.

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 12

From left to right: Lant Krek, Alfred Smith, Electra Pendragon, and Ditzy "Derpy Hooves" Doo

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Meanwhile, in the Robo-Cave...

Edrobot: Now that I've killed the most popular Homestuck characters, I, The Great and Powerful Edrobot, will create an entirely new MST series with my own characters! MWA HA HA HA HA!

Andrew Hussie: Not so fast! The only one who's going to killing off Homestuck characters is me!

Edrobot: *Gasp* Andrew hussie?!?! How on earth did you find my secret headquarters?!

Andrew: I looked it up in the yellow pages. It was listed under "S" for "Secret Headquarters".

Edrobot: I knew that would come back to bite me...

Andrew: Now retcon everyone's deaths, or else I'll run you down with this rusty machete!

Edrobot: Okay okay fine, geez...