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LAST TIME, ON JAKE ENGLISH'S MYSTERIOUS THEATER OF SCIENTIFIC ROMANCE FROM THE YEAR 3000:
Jake: We have to stop the HoundFox virus!
Dave: done. now what?
Kankri: I'm 6aking c99kies.
Dave: okay lets do that.
And now, for the thrilling conclusion!
Kankri: Karkat, you're d9ing it all wr9ng. Y9u have t9 stir the 6atter cl9ck-ways.
Karkat Vantas: WHAT NO. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT WAY YOU STIR IT, IT ALL ENDS UP THE SAME.
Kankri: 6ut y9u w9nt learn anything if y9u keep changing directi9ns, 9r rather y9ull learn t9 d9 it in a su6-par fasshi9n that varies the quality 9f each 6atch. Y9ull never 6ecome a pr9fessi9nal chef at this rate.
Karkat: I DON'T WANT TO BE A CHEF, I JUST WANT TO GET THIS DONE WITH SO I CAN GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM YOU AND YOUR INCESSANT BLATHERING.
Kankri: It seems like s9me9ne needs m9re the9l9gy and ge9metry in his lfie. W9uldn't y9u agree, Strider?
Dave: im sorry what? i cant hear you with these headphones on ad these mixers running.
Kankri: Ineed. N9w, t9 6egin with...
Karkat: OH GOD I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE. JAKE, YOU HAVE MORE OF THAT PONY STORY?
Jake: Right here!
Karkat: START READING IT, THEN. ANYTHING BETTER THAN THIS IDIOT'S RANTINGS.
After Snake got done explaining his dream to the CMC’s, they all decided to meet up at Apple Bloom’s tree house, mainly to prove that Snake could sneak his way to the other side of town.
Dave: what a nice bunch of kids sending him on a pointlessly dangerous mission just to prove something they already knew.
After doing so, they got to business sketching out the mission.
Pinkie: Cutie mark crusaders mission planners!
They gave Snake a somewhat poorly drawn map of Castle Celest, Princess Celestia’s castle in Canterlot.
Dave: what i wouldnt give for the solidar.
Snake convinces the CMC’s to get everypony some sort of codec/radios and puts everyone on different frequencies.
Karkat: APPARENTLY THEY WERE HAVING A SALE ON MILITARY-GRADE COMMLINKS AT THE HARDWARE STORE.
One frequency at the tree house, one in Sweetie Belle’s room, and one sent with Scootaloo.
Karkat: BRILLIANT! BY SPREADING OUT YOU'RE ALL THREE TIMES MORE LIKELY TO GET CAUGHT, AND YOU'RE MORE LIKELY TO GET RADIO STATIC WHEN TRYING TO COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER.
Snake sends the fillies out to get supplies for Snake to build a gun and a knife.
Pinkie: Cutie mark crusaders weapon manufacturers!
On one of Scootaloo’s trips to get supplies from a weapon facility on Cloudsdale,
Jake: I guess even Equestria has to keep a military. But then again, a god tries to take over the kingdom just about every year so i understand why they would want to stockpile.
she finds an old tranquilizer gun fit for ponies to use. Snake heavily modified it for human hands
Karkat: HOW?
Jake: Well canonicly he is something of a renascence man. Presumably weapon modification is one of his many skills.
and with a good luck was sent on his way.
Finally, I made it to Castle Celest.
Finally, I made it to Castle Celest.
Dave: you guys ever notice how cleche fantasy rulers tend to name castle after themselves?? theyre either very uncreative or very egotistical.
Now I have to find my way into the meeting room and find out what’s going on in there.
*CODEC NOISE*
Kankri: H9ld 9n, david. Bef9re we pr9ceed, I need t9 tell y9u all a69ut the castle and it's hist9ry in regards to equestrian p9litics s9 that y9u have a p9per understanding a6ut the su6ject material, and can thus av9id any unessisary triggers.
Dave: uh no. thats quite all right.
Kankri: The castle was built by Artsy Crafts, wh9 was tasked with re6uilding the castle after the Lunar War 9f 6etrayal in 1011 A.T. It was 9riginally g9ing t9 6e 6uilt 9ut 9f gumdr9ps, 6ut that was 69th expensive and impractical, s9 it was built 9ut 9f c9tton candy instead.
Dave: c9tton candy. really.
Kankri: It's been rem9dled several times 9ver it's 9ne th9usand year hist9ry, including 9nce by Vicer9y Hackeysack during the griff9n 9ccupati9n of 1592. The griffons were also the 9nes that designed the catac9m6s, which they intended to use as an escape r9ute sh9uld the castle be re-taken, th9ugh when this eventually happened in 1723 the catac9mbs c9llapsed in on themselves 6ecause they had eaten t99 much 9f the c9tt9n candy.
Dave: oh god where the off button on this thing?
Snake was sent in with a notepad, pencil, his knife, the tranquilizer gun, and his custom-made handgun. Using Sweetie Belle’s magic, the gun that Snake built never runs out of ammo as long as someone is singing, humming, or making music of any kind.
Karkat: WHICH IS PRETTY MUCH THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU'D WANT FOR A STEALTH MISSION, BUT I DIGRESS.
Snake found an unguarded entrance and ended up in a back hallway that only was a few rooms down from the meeting room. He entered into a larger room that led to another hallway where from which he could access the meeting room.
Dave: wow. hallways. really gripping read.
There were no ponies in this room so he figured he could take some time to find some kind of vents to crawl through.
Dave: dont you just love how in fiction air vents are always big enough to crawl through?
It took him a good ten minutes, but he made his way into a vent that was on the ceiling. He made sure to make it look like there was nobody that got in the vents, but he figured if anyone noticed the stuff in the room moved around a bit, it wouldn’t be too big of a problem.
Pinkie: What's this? There's a chair out of place? GUARDS! ^o^
Not even a filly could fit in these vents, and Snake was just a tiny bit scrunched for space as it is.
Karkat: I DONT THINK HE THOUGHT THIS PLAN THROUGH.
However, he continued on until he was over the meeting room. There was a grate in the bottom of the vent that allowed him to clearly see the events of the meeting. He got there just in time.
Dave: you know what would be funny?? if the hero arrived at the meeting room just in time to watch them conclude. or to have missed it completely.
“Alright, now it has been decided that I, Princess Celestia, need your help, the Mane Six, to defeat Nightmare Moon once again. We believe that the source of her power is coming from a planet far away in the middle of the universe.
Karkat: GREAT, NOW HE'S RIPPING OFF MY BRAVE UNICORN: STAR FLEET MAGIC.
Pinkie: PONIES, IN, SPAAAAAAAAAAAACE! ^0^
Jake: I would like to point out that the real universe doesn't actually have a "center", since the "big bang" isn't so much a literal explosion so much as a rapid expansion of the space in the whole universe. This goes to show how very different the physics of our world and Equestria are.
Dave: physics??? bitch im a horse.
The planet is named Ninsoare and its only continent is shaped like a crescent moon.
Karkat: GEE, WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THAT?
The beings there are all under the rule of the Tungl Queen, who has recently passed away.
Dave: must be the planet of hard to pronounce names.
Pinkie: No doubt the evil Duke Plxlmplym was behind this plot, or perhaps it was the dastardly Count Mrrmrrmrrrmm!
We believe it is one of Nightmare’s agents of darkness that killed the Tungl Queen and now Ninsoare’s subjects are being forced into worshipping this new Tungl Queen, which is Nightmare Moon’s agent.
Dave: rite of sucession? nah lets just put the guy who killed the old queen on the throne. whats the worst that could happen?
We found that this agent is transferring the power from the subject’s prayers to Nightmare Moon, making her stronger here every second.
Jake: And now we get into theology! It seems that this author (much like a good portion of the fandom) subscribes to the theory that Celestia and the other Alicorns are gods incarnate, and that they gain power from belief or prayer. There are plenty of religious traditions that hold belief as something that gods require, such as Shinto and Voudoun (not to be confused with "Voodoo", which is folk magic based on the aforementioned religion that was butchered by Hollywood to invent zombies). The Discworld book "Small Gods" explores this concept in greater detail (when it's not satirizing mythology), and I would highly recommend it as further reading.
We must establish a base there and destroy the cold darkness that envelops this little planet and save ourselves from Nightmare Moon.”
Twilight Sparkle, a purple pony sitting in the front row, agreed. “Yes, Princess, as head of the Mane Six
Dave: so now theyre actually calling themselves that.
Forces of Friendship and Magic (M6FFM),
Karkat: NOT ONLY THAT, BUT APPARENTLY THEY HAVE AN ACRONYM.
Pinkie: That's something Twilight would do, all rigth! ^_^
we accept this responsibility to defend Ninsoare from evil and to protect the throne and daytime of Princess Celestia of Equestria.”
“Agreed!” The other five of the M6FFM exclaim.
Karkat: HOW DO YOU EVEN PRONOUNCE THAT, ANYWAY? "MMM-SIX-FMMM"? OR IS IT "JUST EM-SIX-EFF-EFF-EM"?
Dave: the world will never know.
Snake had wrote down all of the key points in Celestia’s little speech and waited until the room below him was empty before opening the grate and quietly jumping down. He then turned on his radio and called up Sweetie Belle, who was still at the tree house with the other fillies awaiting news. He relayed the information he learned to them.
“What in tarnation? That don’t make any sense, I told you guys that Luna just left for a while and this is a fake Nightmare Moon!” Apple Bloom exclaimed after hearing this news.
Scootaloo offered her thought, “Maybe it’s the other way around? A fake Nightmare here and the real one is on Ninsoare?”
Dave: what a twist.
“Could be, but we have to find a way to get to that planet. Without a way there, we can’t really find out what’s really going on.” Snake said.
Pinkie: CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS ROCKET SCIENTISTS! ^0^
“Well, I think we all should find out how my sister and the other ponies are getting there, so until then, find a way there Snake. If you find one, tell us about where, and how, and if we can make one ourselves. Good luck Snake.” Sweetie Belle said before ending the message.
Dave: sure ill just find a rocket ship. im sure theres one of those lying around somewhere.
Snake snuck out when the guards got up to follow the princess and the six ponies. He cautiously followed them to the basement where there was a room with large device that looked like a portal of sorts.
Pinkie: Please refrain from sticking your hooves into the Aperture Science Deus Ex Machina Portal Machine when the device is inoperational. o_o
He hid behind a failed prototype in the corner to not be seen when Celestia turned around.
“This is the portal I will send you in. By the time you get there, the scout I just sent should have built a pony-made island to the northwest of the main continent.
Karkat: APPARENTLY IN ADDITION TO SPACE-TIME PORTALS, THEY HAVE ADVANCED TERRAFORMING TECHNOLOGY. WHO KNEW MAGIC PONIES WERE SO HIGH-TECH?
Once you arrive, there will be a tower on that island that has a room in the top floor to contact me. Press the big button with my face on it and it should work,”
“YAAAAAAAY I LOOOOOOOVE PRESSING BUTTONS!!!!!!” A pink pony exclaimed super-loud.
Pinkie: YAY! I'M FINALLY IN THE STORY! ^0^
The rainbow maned pony replied, “Calm down Pinkie, and if anyone’s gonna press it, it’s me cause I’m awesome!”
“Um… Rainbow Dash I… uh…. Wanted to press the button….” The shy yellow pony said.
Princess Celestia interrupted the playful arguing, “Girls, you all will have your chances at pressing it, trust me, now can you all do what I ask of you until I give you more instruction on facing the agent of Nightmare?”
“Yeah…” All the ponies replied.
Then Celestia turned on the portal and let the six ponies trot in and disappear. She turned it off and whispered a quiet ‘Good luck’ to herself and left the basement room. After she left, Snake got up from his hiding spot and studied the portal. He found plans to build it in a desk near the portal and put it in his pocket.
Dave: i guess its okay to leave top secret blueprints just lying around.
He carefully made his way back to the tree house after leaving the castle and awaited the CMC’s.
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Right on time of their now daily meetings, the CMC’s arrived at the tree house. Snake showed them the plans on constructing a working portal, and they got started copying them immediately.
Pinkie: CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS QUANTUM PHYSICISTS! ^0^
“Hey Snake, I know that now, you have no missions, but how about you sneak back to the castle and try to set us up a base in Ninsoare? Or at least get good coordinates for one to be established.” Sweetie Belle offered.
“Hmmm… Sounds like a good idea, and by the time I’m back, the portal should be ready.” Snake agreed and gathered his things. As he was leaving, Sweetie Belle stopped him.
Karkat: ...ARE YOU REALLY GOING THROUGH WITH THIS? YOU WOULD BE THE WORST BABYSITTER EVER.
“Wait, I want one thing before you leave, remember you still are my pet.”
Snake really didn’t want to deal with that again when there were things that needed to be taken care of. “…… What is it?...... Nothing like before right?”
“Oh you silly, I just want a kiss!” Snake honestly couldn’t resist the cute look on her face, but was confused at the request knowing what happened to him earlier.
“Um… Alright…”
Karkat: PLEASE TELL ME THEY ARN'T SHIPPED TOGETHER.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Snake arrived at the castle for the second time this day, and now it was getting dark. Princess Celestia was on a balcony on one of the towers keeping watch over Equestria. She should be pretty busy up there, so I won’t have to deal with accidentally running into her on my way. Snake thought as he snuck his way inside.
Karkat: GEE I SURE HOPE THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN.
He took a different path to the basement but there were hardly any guards anywhere even if he took the same way as before. When he got to the basement he realized he needed to make his way to the same hangar as the portal, which was three hangars down from the one he was in. He effortlessly made his way through, but then was distracted when he got to the third one.
Immensely sitting in front of him was the same Metal Gear as the one in his dream. Even in the same room. The only difference was that it was hooked up to a large computer and there was what looked like another portal in front of the main railgun.
Dave: you know you really should have noticed that the first time through.
There was frost covering the entire thing but if it came alive, that wouldn’t stop it. He then remembered his mission and continued into the portal room. He approached carefully and found the map of Ninsoare sitting on the desk. He put away the original copy of the production plans and studied the map. In a short call to Sweetie Belle, he gave her coordinates of what appeared to be a run-down town that would be perfect for them to set up there. After finishing the call, he returned to the room with the frost-bitten Metal Gear. He was jotting down notes about it when a soft voice popped up behind him.
“That is Luna’s winter machine. She found it using my portal and turned it into a machine to spread darkness and frost.
Dave: somehow.
Karkat: NUCLEAR RAILGUN + MAGIC = EVIL WEATHER MACHINE? EVEN IF IT WORKED, IT DOESN'T SEEM VERY EFFICIENT...
She’s automatically set it to fire once every day at Ninsoare. She plans to freeze the life from it. She’s the only one with the password to shut it down.
Dave: "password?? i dont need no motherfucking password" snake said. and then he fired a rocket launcher the metal gear and everyone lived happily ever after.
That’s why I sent my most trusted task force to defeat her. I know she managed to split her two personalities Princess Luna and Nightmare Moon. She left Nightmare here as a distraction, while she prevents the people of Ninsoare to realize what’s happening.
Karkat: ...SO IS LUNA EVIL TOO? SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHATS GOING ON.
It’s only a matter of time until this device affects us here.”
Dave: its shooting at a planet light years away. i think you guys are going to be fine for now.
Snake was startled, “Princess Celestia, how did you get here? I thought you were busy watching Equestria?”
“Oh, haha, that is just an illusion so that people like you don’t try to help my sister’s evil plans. Yes, I know you are an agent of Luna’s, and I’ve been looking for you. You must die, agent of darkness.”
Karkat: SO... WHY DID YOU EXPLAIN EVERYTHING TO HIM IF YOU WERE JUST GOING TO KILL HIM?
Princess Celestia’s tone was now very serious, and the look she gave Solid Snake could have made anypony fess up to anything bad they ever have done in their life, but had no effect on this soldier.
“I just want to know what is going on, I don’t want to leave Equestria!” Snake pleaded, he didn’t want to go back to being an old man. He also just realized that he is gaining feelings for Sweetie Belle.
Karkat: *facepalm* I WAS JOKING ABOUT THAT.
When they kissed before he left, Snake felt something he never felt before. He felt a sense of belonging, something that if lasted, he would never have to aimlessly walk around to soothe his soul.
Karkat: SHE'S ANOTHER SPECIES AND AT LEAST HALF YOUR AGE YOU SICK FUCK.
He didn’t want to lose what could possibly be a long lasting relationship.
Karkat: *whump* *whump* *whump**whump* *whump*
Kankri: That's a very unc9nventi9nal way to knead the d9ugh, Karkat. But if y9u must strike it with y9ur head than s9 be it.
Princess Celestia replied, “I’m sorry, but it’s what must be done to ensure Equestria’s safety.” Celestia rammed her shoulder into Snake sending him flying into the wall. Casually, she walked up to him and lifted him up on top of her and walked over to the portal.
“Nobody will find you here… And your dead body will freeze in the icy snow of my sister’s machine; serves her right for trying to send her spies here to take my throne from me.”
Karkat: YES, I'LL THROW HIM INTO THE EXACT PLACE HE COULD THWART MY PLANS IF HE SURVIVED. AS OPPOSED TO SOMETHING LIKE, YOU KNOW, THE SUN.
Then dropping Snake down right before the portal in the portal room, she took her horn and stabbed him straight through the heart and kicked him into the portal. His body appearing right in front of the location he sent to Sweetie Belle.
Jake: And that's the end of act 1. I'm not entirely sure if will ever be reading act 2, so let's end this on a high note. What did you guys thing.
Kankri: I think...
Karkat: NO, YOU DON'T.
Dave: its not bad. though i think the author should have gotten someone to look at his plot outline before he started writing it.
Karkat: EVERYONE'S STILL IN CHARACTER FOR THE MOST PART EXCEPT CELESTIA, WHO SEEMS A BIT MORE PARANOID THAN IN CANON. THERE ARE SOME HINTS THAT SOME OF THE TYPICAL POLITICAL STUFF METAL GEAR IS KNOWN FOR MIGHT HAPPEN IN THE FUTURE. BUT METAL GEAR REPURPOSED INTO A WEATHER MACHINE SOUNDS A BIT TOO CONTRIVED.
Pinkie: I need to be in it more... /_\
Kankri: Well it seems that the c99kies are ready. I d9nt supp9se that y9u'll be heading to the "Christmas" party next week?
Dave: yeah. totally.
Jake: For sure!
Pinkie: Wouldn't miss it!
Karkat: WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING TIMELINE WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SAVING?!
Dave: well get to that eventually. There's no rush.
Caius Ballad: You're too late! Time compression has already begun! In a matter of hours the timestream will be no more!
Dave: wow. sorry guys bad call on my part.
Dave: wow. hallways. really gripping read.
There were no ponies in this room so he figured he could take some time to find some kind of vents to crawl through.
Dave: dont you just love how in fiction air vents are always big enough to crawl through?
It took him a good ten minutes, but he made his way into a vent that was on the ceiling. He made sure to make it look like there was nobody that got in the vents, but he figured if anyone noticed the stuff in the room moved around a bit, it wouldn’t be too big of a problem.
Pinkie: What's this? There's a chair out of place? GUARDS! ^o^
Not even a filly could fit in these vents, and Snake was just a tiny bit scrunched for space as it is.
Karkat: I DONT THINK HE THOUGHT THIS PLAN THROUGH.
However, he continued on until he was over the meeting room. There was a grate in the bottom of the vent that allowed him to clearly see the events of the meeting. He got there just in time.
Dave: you know what would be funny?? if the hero arrived at the meeting room just in time to watch them conclude. or to have missed it completely.
“Alright, now it has been decided that I, Princess Celestia, need your help, the Mane Six, to defeat Nightmare Moon once again. We believe that the source of her power is coming from a planet far away in the middle of the universe.
Karkat: GREAT, NOW HE'S RIPPING OFF MY BRAVE UNICORN: STAR FLEET MAGIC.
Pinkie: PONIES, IN, SPAAAAAAAAAAAACE! ^0^
Jake: I would like to point out that the real universe doesn't actually have a "center", since the "big bang" isn't so much a literal explosion so much as a rapid expansion of the space in the whole universe. This goes to show how very different the physics of our world and Equestria are.
Dave: physics??? bitch im a horse.
The planet is named Ninsoare and its only continent is shaped like a crescent moon.
Karkat: GEE, WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THAT?
The beings there are all under the rule of the Tungl Queen, who has recently passed away.
Dave: must be the planet of hard to pronounce names.
Pinkie: No doubt the evil Duke Plxlmplym was behind this plot, or perhaps it was the dastardly Count Mrrmrrmrrrmm!
We believe it is one of Nightmare’s agents of darkness that killed the Tungl Queen and now Ninsoare’s subjects are being forced into worshipping this new Tungl Queen, which is Nightmare Moon’s agent.
Dave: rite of sucession? nah lets just put the guy who killed the old queen on the throne. whats the worst that could happen?
We found that this agent is transferring the power from the subject’s prayers to Nightmare Moon, making her stronger here every second.
Jake: And now we get into theology! It seems that this author (much like a good portion of the fandom) subscribes to the theory that Celestia and the other Alicorns are gods incarnate, and that they gain power from belief or prayer. There are plenty of religious traditions that hold belief as something that gods require, such as Shinto and Voudoun (not to be confused with "Voodoo", which is folk magic based on the aforementioned religion that was butchered by Hollywood to invent zombies). The Discworld book "Small Gods" explores this concept in greater detail (when it's not satirizing mythology), and I would highly recommend it as further reading.
We must establish a base there and destroy the cold darkness that envelops this little planet and save ourselves from Nightmare Moon.”
Twilight Sparkle, a purple pony sitting in the front row, agreed. “Yes, Princess, as head of the Mane Six
Dave: so now theyre actually calling themselves that.
Forces of Friendship and Magic (M6FFM),
Karkat: NOT ONLY THAT, BUT APPARENTLY THEY HAVE AN ACRONYM.
Pinkie: That's something Twilight would do, all rigth! ^_^
we accept this responsibility to defend Ninsoare from evil and to protect the throne and daytime of Princess Celestia of Equestria.”
“Agreed!” The other five of the M6FFM exclaim.
Karkat: HOW DO YOU EVEN PRONOUNCE THAT, ANYWAY? "MMM-SIX-FMMM"? OR IS IT "JUST EM-SIX-EFF-EFF-EM"?
Dave: the world will never know.
Snake had wrote down all of the key points in Celestia’s little speech and waited until the room below him was empty before opening the grate and quietly jumping down. He then turned on his radio and called up Sweetie Belle, who was still at the tree house with the other fillies awaiting news. He relayed the information he learned to them.
“What in tarnation? That don’t make any sense, I told you guys that Luna just left for a while and this is a fake Nightmare Moon!” Apple Bloom exclaimed after hearing this news.
Scootaloo offered her thought, “Maybe it’s the other way around? A fake Nightmare here and the real one is on Ninsoare?”
Dave: what a twist.
“Could be, but we have to find a way to get to that planet. Without a way there, we can’t really find out what’s really going on.” Snake said.
Pinkie: CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS ROCKET SCIENTISTS! ^0^
“Well, I think we all should find out how my sister and the other ponies are getting there, so until then, find a way there Snake. If you find one, tell us about where, and how, and if we can make one ourselves. Good luck Snake.” Sweetie Belle said before ending the message.
Dave: sure ill just find a rocket ship. im sure theres one of those lying around somewhere.
Snake snuck out when the guards got up to follow the princess and the six ponies. He cautiously followed them to the basement where there was a room with large device that looked like a portal of sorts.
Pinkie: Please refrain from sticking your hooves into the Aperture Science Deus Ex Machina Portal Machine when the device is inoperational. o_o
He hid behind a failed prototype in the corner to not be seen when Celestia turned around.
“This is the portal I will send you in. By the time you get there, the scout I just sent should have built a pony-made island to the northwest of the main continent.
Karkat: APPARENTLY IN ADDITION TO SPACE-TIME PORTALS, THEY HAVE ADVANCED TERRAFORMING TECHNOLOGY. WHO KNEW MAGIC PONIES WERE SO HIGH-TECH?
Once you arrive, there will be a tower on that island that has a room in the top floor to contact me. Press the big button with my face on it and it should work,”
“YAAAAAAAY I LOOOOOOOVE PRESSING BUTTONS!!!!!!” A pink pony exclaimed super-loud.
Pinkie: YAY! I'M FINALLY IN THE STORY! ^0^
The rainbow maned pony replied, “Calm down Pinkie, and if anyone’s gonna press it, it’s me cause I’m awesome!”
“Um… Rainbow Dash I… uh…. Wanted to press the button….” The shy yellow pony said.
Princess Celestia interrupted the playful arguing, “Girls, you all will have your chances at pressing it, trust me, now can you all do what I ask of you until I give you more instruction on facing the agent of Nightmare?”
“Yeah…” All the ponies replied.
Then Celestia turned on the portal and let the six ponies trot in and disappear. She turned it off and whispered a quiet ‘Good luck’ to herself and left the basement room. After she left, Snake got up from his hiding spot and studied the portal. He found plans to build it in a desk near the portal and put it in his pocket.
Dave: i guess its okay to leave top secret blueprints just lying around.
He carefully made his way back to the tree house after leaving the castle and awaited the CMC’s.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Right on time of their now daily meetings, the CMC’s arrived at the tree house. Snake showed them the plans on constructing a working portal, and they got started copying them immediately.
Pinkie: CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS QUANTUM PHYSICISTS! ^0^
“Hey Snake, I know that now, you have no missions, but how about you sneak back to the castle and try to set us up a base in Ninsoare? Or at least get good coordinates for one to be established.” Sweetie Belle offered.
“Hmmm… Sounds like a good idea, and by the time I’m back, the portal should be ready.” Snake agreed and gathered his things. As he was leaving, Sweetie Belle stopped him.
Karkat: ...ARE YOU REALLY GOING THROUGH WITH THIS? YOU WOULD BE THE WORST BABYSITTER EVER.
“Wait, I want one thing before you leave, remember you still are my pet.”
Snake really didn’t want to deal with that again when there were things that needed to be taken care of. “…… What is it?...... Nothing like before right?”
“Oh you silly, I just want a kiss!” Snake honestly couldn’t resist the cute look on her face, but was confused at the request knowing what happened to him earlier.
“Um… Alright…”
Karkat: PLEASE TELL ME THEY ARN'T SHIPPED TOGETHER.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Snake arrived at the castle for the second time this day, and now it was getting dark. Princess Celestia was on a balcony on one of the towers keeping watch over Equestria. She should be pretty busy up there, so I won’t have to deal with accidentally running into her on my way. Snake thought as he snuck his way inside.
Karkat: GEE I SURE HOPE THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN.
He took a different path to the basement but there were hardly any guards anywhere even if he took the same way as before. When he got to the basement he realized he needed to make his way to the same hangar as the portal, which was three hangars down from the one he was in. He effortlessly made his way through, but then was distracted when he got to the third one.
Immensely sitting in front of him was the same Metal Gear as the one in his dream. Even in the same room. The only difference was that it was hooked up to a large computer and there was what looked like another portal in front of the main railgun.
Dave: you know you really should have noticed that the first time through.
There was frost covering the entire thing but if it came alive, that wouldn’t stop it. He then remembered his mission and continued into the portal room. He approached carefully and found the map of Ninsoare sitting on the desk. He put away the original copy of the production plans and studied the map. In a short call to Sweetie Belle, he gave her coordinates of what appeared to be a run-down town that would be perfect for them to set up there. After finishing the call, he returned to the room with the frost-bitten Metal Gear. He was jotting down notes about it when a soft voice popped up behind him.
“That is Luna’s winter machine. She found it using my portal and turned it into a machine to spread darkness and frost.
Dave: somehow.
Karkat: NUCLEAR RAILGUN + MAGIC = EVIL WEATHER MACHINE? EVEN IF IT WORKED, IT DOESN'T SEEM VERY EFFICIENT...
She’s automatically set it to fire once every day at Ninsoare. She plans to freeze the life from it. She’s the only one with the password to shut it down.
Dave: "password?? i dont need no motherfucking password" snake said. and then he fired a rocket launcher the metal gear and everyone lived happily ever after.
That’s why I sent my most trusted task force to defeat her. I know she managed to split her two personalities Princess Luna and Nightmare Moon. She left Nightmare here as a distraction, while she prevents the people of Ninsoare to realize what’s happening.
Karkat: ...SO IS LUNA EVIL TOO? SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHATS GOING ON.
It’s only a matter of time until this device affects us here.”
Dave: its shooting at a planet light years away. i think you guys are going to be fine for now.
Snake was startled, “Princess Celestia, how did you get here? I thought you were busy watching Equestria?”
“Oh, haha, that is just an illusion so that people like you don’t try to help my sister’s evil plans. Yes, I know you are an agent of Luna’s, and I’ve been looking for you. You must die, agent of darkness.”
Karkat: SO... WHY DID YOU EXPLAIN EVERYTHING TO HIM IF YOU WERE JUST GOING TO KILL HIM?
Princess Celestia’s tone was now very serious, and the look she gave Solid Snake could have made anypony fess up to anything bad they ever have done in their life, but had no effect on this soldier.
“I just want to know what is going on, I don’t want to leave Equestria!” Snake pleaded, he didn’t want to go back to being an old man. He also just realized that he is gaining feelings for Sweetie Belle.
Karkat: *facepalm* I WAS JOKING ABOUT THAT.
When they kissed before he left, Snake felt something he never felt before. He felt a sense of belonging, something that if lasted, he would never have to aimlessly walk around to soothe his soul.
Karkat: SHE'S ANOTHER SPECIES AND AT LEAST HALF YOUR AGE YOU SICK FUCK.
He didn’t want to lose what could possibly be a long lasting relationship.
Karkat: *whump* *whump* *whump**whump* *whump*
Kankri: That's a very unc9nventi9nal way to knead the d9ugh, Karkat. But if y9u must strike it with y9ur head than s9 be it.
Princess Celestia replied, “I’m sorry, but it’s what must be done to ensure Equestria’s safety.” Celestia rammed her shoulder into Snake sending him flying into the wall. Casually, she walked up to him and lifted him up on top of her and walked over to the portal.
“Nobody will find you here… And your dead body will freeze in the icy snow of my sister’s machine; serves her right for trying to send her spies here to take my throne from me.”
Karkat: YES, I'LL THROW HIM INTO THE EXACT PLACE HE COULD THWART MY PLANS IF HE SURVIVED. AS OPPOSED TO SOMETHING LIKE, YOU KNOW, THE SUN.
Then dropping Snake down right before the portal in the portal room, she took her horn and stabbed him straight through the heart and kicked him into the portal. His body appearing right in front of the location he sent to Sweetie Belle.
Jake: And that's the end of act 1. I'm not entirely sure if will ever be reading act 2, so let's end this on a high note. What did you guys thing.
Kankri: I think...
Karkat: NO, YOU DON'T.
Dave: its not bad. though i think the author should have gotten someone to look at his plot outline before he started writing it.
Karkat: EVERYONE'S STILL IN CHARACTER FOR THE MOST PART EXCEPT CELESTIA, WHO SEEMS A BIT MORE PARANOID THAN IN CANON. THERE ARE SOME HINTS THAT SOME OF THE TYPICAL POLITICAL STUFF METAL GEAR IS KNOWN FOR MIGHT HAPPEN IN THE FUTURE. BUT METAL GEAR REPURPOSED INTO A WEATHER MACHINE SOUNDS A BIT TOO CONTRIVED.
Pinkie: I need to be in it more... /_\
Kankri: Well it seems that the c99kies are ready. I d9nt supp9se that y9u'll be heading to the "Christmas" party next week?
Dave: yeah. totally.
Jake: For sure!
Pinkie: Wouldn't miss it!
Karkat: WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING TIMELINE WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SAVING?!
Dave: well get to that eventually. There's no rush.
NEXT TIME, ON JAKE ENGLISH'S MYSTERIOUS THEATER OF SCIENTIFIC ROMANCE FROM THE YEAR 3000:
Caius Ballad: You're too late! Time compression has already begun! In a matter of hours the timestream will be no more!
Dave: wow. sorry guys bad call on my part.
DETECTIVE
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