Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 28

Previous | Next

T-Rex: Huntyr Chase, I presume?

Huntyr Chase: Yep.

Nepeta Leijon: :33< do you have some kind of tragic backstory and/or ideological reason that explains why you're helping gilesbie? *she asked inquisitively*

Huntyr Chase: nope. i'm just in it for the ladies. chicks dig the "mysterious bad-boy" types. so by trying to rewrite the Metaverse, i'm one of the the baddest boys around.

Utahraptor: I'm not sure I follow your logic.

Eridan Ampora: i dunno it kinda makes sense to me

Vriska Serket: Well if Eridan likes it, it's pro8a8ly the worst plan I've ever heard.

Huntyr Chase: ha, well... your mom!

Vriska: Trolls don't have "moms", dum8ass.

Huntyr Chase: i knew that.

T-Rex: Allright, so what do we need to do to get past you?

Huntyr Chase: Well first you need to read chapter 2 of Tenshi Trail. Then you must answer my awesomely clever riddle of clever awesomeness!

Vriska: Let me guess; The answer is "8oner".

Huntyr Chase: ...it might not be.

Vriska: ...

T-Rex: Anywho! Let's get this started!

The Oni Lord Awakes

He sat in the bar over his drink in a daze. The lovely raven-haired bar tendress had his eyes. 

T-Rex: AAAAAA! I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE RIPPED MY EYES OUT OF MY SOCKETS!

He had scored her last night. Oh what fun he had!!! “My sexy tenshi!” he thought. 

Eridan: please tell me thats not the name of some adult-oriented my little pony spinoff

He wished he could do it again.

Nepeta: :33 < Lets do the time warp agaiiiiiiiin!

Then….

“What is this?” he thought. He had sensed a great power from ninety kilometers. “That energy……” he thought. “That’s from… But…it can’t…could it…”

T-Rex: The answer is no! Unless it is yes! No, of course it is! Is war! Yes! No! Yes?"

 He decided to see for himself. So he had the tendress pay his tab and left.

Sakura was roaming the city merrily. She “met” Jet earlier this morning.

T-Rex: Fun fact: you can make anything sound sleazy by putting it quotation marks. For example; today I "ate" a "banana" for "breakfast".

*“Spike! Get up!” someone yelled at the door. The cowboy quickly looked up.

Eridan: newws flash spike is a bounty hunter not a cowwboy

T-Rex: Maybe they were playing dress-up?

Sakura looked with him. “Who’s that?” she whispered. Spike didn’t answer. He just covered her mouth and tried to hide her away somewhere. But it was too late. The door opened

T-Rex: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS! it was..........

and there stood Jet himself. “Spike…… oh….” said he when he saw Sakura. “Konnichiha!” she spoke up. Hentai thoughts ran through Jet’s head.

T-Rex: OH GOD TENTACLE MONSTERS!

Utahraptor: On a more serious note, while I think "hentai" does mean "perverted", I'm pretty sure it's not a 1:1 translation. And even if it is, it still doesn't make sense to use a Japanese word in an AP English class. Just saying.

“Oh! I’ll just leave you two alone now!” said he. Then Jet took off pretty quickly. Spike fell red-faced. He pushed her away from him, got up, and went out to get dressed. Sakura just sat there confused.*

Nepeta: :33 < I am so confused! *said sakura*

T-Rex: She was confused!

“What was he so upset about?” the tenshi-chi thought. She just shrugged and kept walking. At that time, he appeared onto an abandoned apartment building.

Vriska: Who? Spike, Jet, or this unammed guy from the beginning of the chapter? How are we supposed to care a8out your OCs if we can't even keep track of them?

“If I’m right,” he thought. “That energy is coming from down below.” He looked down and saw Sakura walking along. Her beauty seduced him.

Eridan: if shes still in her adult form that this wwould be extremely contrivved if she wwas back in her chibi form this wwould be eww

“Damn! What a babe!” he thought.

Huntyr Chase: That's my man! You go snag that bitch!

Then it hit him! “She’s…..a….tenshi-chi!” he thought. “And a hot one at that!” Hentai thoughts entered his mind.

T-Rex: Of course! The tentacle monsters must be stealing his brain!

Vriska: That would explain why his internal monologue is so vapid.

So he decided to “see” her personally.

T-Rex: See what I mean about quote marks?

He jumped up and disappeared.

Sakura has almost passed the bar when a black descended in front of her. The tenshi-chi became startled. She was shocked that she couldn’t move. The cloud lessened. In its place, stood a tall pale, slender man

T-Rex: What?! Slenderman is here?! FRIIII-

with short raven hair and dressed in equally raven causal clothes. He was completely charming.

Eridan: does this look charming to you

yeah thats what i thought

Sakura didn’t know if he ally or foe. The man smiled. “Don’t be afraid.” said he.

Vriska: Too late!

Fear spread through Sakura. “I’m Kuroito.” he said as he began walking to her.

Utahraptor: Sticking "ito" onto the end of a japanese word does not a name make.

The tenshi-chi began backing up. “Aww…” said Kuroito. And before she knew it, the man had grabbed her by the wrist. He sensed her through his touch.

“What’s this?” Kuroito thought. “Nai spirit key? And her data is……missing?!?”

Vriska: Wow! That would probably 8e a shocking revelation if we had any idea what that meant!

Sakura felt his power. “An oni?” she thought.

The tenshi-chi tried to pull away. Kuroito tightened his grip. “LET GO?!?” she yelled.

T-Rex: I didn't know that exclamations end with question marks?!?

“Shhh!” said he. But the tenshi-chi kept screaming. She caught the attention of a few people. “He’s going to rape her! Let go of her now!!! Call the police!!!” the crowd yelled.

T-Rex: [INSERT APPROPRIATE COMIC ABOUT THE "GREEK CHORUS" HERE]

Kuroito tried ignore them and keep his grip.

Eridan: and then he wwas shot to death by a policeman the end

Finally, Sakura freed herself from his grasp and flew off. “Hot and challenging. I like it!” Kuroito said. And with that, he flew after her.

Huntyr Chase: He likes his women the way I like my coffee. There was a punchline here but I kind of forgot what it was.

It wasn’t long before the oni was right beside the tenshi-chi. When Sakura saw this, panic grew again. “Relax babe,” said Kuroito. “I just wanna talk.” Sakura kept flying. “How come you have nai spirit key?” he asked. The tenshi-chi paused in curiosity. “Spi-rit key?” asked she.

Utahraptor: Well, apparently she's just as clueless as we are, so that's a start.

Kuroito looked lost. “Didn’t he tell you anything?” he mumbled.

Vriska: Why is it that villains never use pronouns?

Sakura herself looked lost. “All right,” Kuroito spoke up. “A spirit key is a source of life for a tenshi-chi. Without it, they’re just dead.”

Nepeta: :33< I'm explaining your weakness to you instead of exploiting it for personal gain because... hey look! A thr33-headed monkey!

“Uh-huh….”Sakura trailed off. “She doesn’t know anything!!!” Kuroito thought in distress. He looked and saw Sakura flying away.

T-Rex: Man! You are really bad at this, aren't you?

“There she goes again.” the oni thought. Then an interesting notion hit him. “I’ll follow her secretly and then stay there. Damn I’m so fucking brilliant!!!” the oni thought. So Kuroito disappeared through the shadows in laughter.

Vriska: Kinda hard to be stealthy while laughing manically, doncha think?

Sakura flew back to the Bebop.

Eridan: apparently shes now officially part of the crew because wwhy the fuck not

“Hey everybody!” she exclaimed. “Hey babe!” a voice spoke up. An icy chill came over the tenshi-chi. She turned to see Kuroito grinning on couch.

Utahraptor: That's twice now that someone snuck into the ship undetected. Are you sure these guys are bounty hunters?

“Welcome home sexy!” said he. Sakura tried not to scream. Then Spike walked and saw the tenshi-chi with the oni. “Sakura,” said he. “Who the hell it this?” Before she could answer, Kuroito sent a sheet of paper to him. None of them said a word. Spike opened it and read it. Sakura read with him. This is what is said:

Nepeta: :33 <
now this is the story all about how 
my life got flipped, turned upside down
and i'd like to take a minute just sit right there
i'll tell you how i became the prince of a town called bel-air

T-Rex: Alternatively, the story starts from the beginning again and this all turns out to be an endless loop.

Due violation of the temple, Kuroito is to be banished to the living realm.

Nepeta: :33 < well you sure aren't staying there. *shoots Kuroito in the face several times*

Kami Spike and Sakura groaned in distress. “It looks we’ll be friends for a long time!!!” Kuroito said with grin. Then he snickered wildly. The ride was just getting started!

T-Rex: Okay, so the plan is that we shove him out the airlock as soon as we breach orbit.

Have Fun Cowboy!!!

Eridan: wwell that was dumb

Utahraptor: I agree. The Cowboy Bebop characters are completely pointless in this chapter; you could have easily replaced them with your own OCs and you might have improved the story. And I still hate how it throws japanese words into the narrative at random.

Vriska: Yeah, I mean why would space aliens be speaking japanese anyway?

Nepeta: :33<  Plus, the mythology the story is trying to establish isn't all that gripping, and the characters are still rather bland. *Sighs deeply*

T-Rex: I dunno, I kinda like Kuroito.

Huntyr Chase: Me too. He's my favorite, because he's such a ladies' man.

T-Rex: Oh wait did I say I liked him? I meant to say that he is literally the worst person I have ever met in my entire life.

Vriska: So yeah. Move it, hotshot.

Huntyr Chase: Not so fast! You still need to answer my riddle! "How many ladies does one have to bone before-"

Vriska: *Punches Huntyr in the face* How's that for an answer?

Huntyr Chase: The spaceman says, "Everybody look down! It's all in your mind!" *FAINT*

Eridan: you knoww being forced to hang out wwith huntyr chase has really turned my life around i havve noww learned to treat others wwith respect instead of trying to engadge wwith people for the sole prupose of selfishly filling my quadrants

Nepeta: :33< really?

Eridan: wwell actually the only thing i learned wwas "dont be huntyr chase"

Utahraptor: That's still a pretty good lesson if you ask me.

T-Rex: And now that he's defeated, we can go back to what we were originally doing; wandering aimlessly though these dimensions having wacky misadventures all the while!

God: UH, I HATE TO PUT A DAMPER ON YOUR PARTY, REX, BUT THERE'S SOMETHING MUCH MORE IMPORTANT YOU SHOULD BE DOING.

T-Rex: Oh? And what would that be, mysterious voice that only I can hear that claims to be God but may or may not be all in my head?

God: ...YOU DIDN'T NEED TO DO ALL THAT EXPOSITION, DUDE.

T-Rex: Sorry! Just catching up the readers!

Eridan: (wwho the shell is he talking to)

Utahraptor: (I usually find it's better not to ask.)

God: IF YOU WISH TO HAVE EVEN THE GHOST OF A CHANCE IN THE FINAL CONFRONTATION WITH THE PROPHET, YOU MUST BRAVE THE CANYON OF ETERNAL PAIN AND SUFFERING.

T-Rex: I don't think I like the sound of that place.

God: DON'T WORRY, THE NAME ISN'T VERY ACCURATE.

T-Rex: Oh good.

God: IT'S ACTUALLY MORE LIKE A GORGE, REALLY.

T-Rex: Ah.

God: ANYWAY, IT IS THERE THAT YOU WILL FIND THE PROPHET GILESBIE'S ONLY WEAKNESS. IT WILL BE IN A BOX THAT WILL ONLY OPEN WHEN THE DESTINED HOUR ARRIVES.

T-Rex: Okay cool, but if you're omnipotent why don't you just snap your fingers and just turn Gilesbie into a ham sandwitch or something?

God: I DUNNO. I GUESS I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE IT. ANYWAY, HAVE FUN SAVING THE METAVERSE; I'VE GOT A "MY LITTLE PONY" MARATHON TO WATCH. TOODLES.

T-Rex: Yeah, see ya 'round, god!

=============

Lant Kreck: Al's condition appears to be stable; looks like he's going to live through the the worst of it.

Electra Pendragon: Good. I would hate to lose a minion to some minor vermin. *yawn* Now, if you excuse me, I need my beauty sleep.

Lant: Yeah, I'm kinda tuckerd out myself. Good night, Electra.

Electra: Night.

Lant: ...

Electra: ...

Lant: ...

Electra: ...minion, are you still awake?

Lant: From now on I'm not going to respond to any of your questions unless you adress me by name.

Electra: Fine. Minion Lant, are you still awake?

Lant: No, I'm a narcoleptic with a habit of sleep-talking. Whadda want?

Electra: I just wanted to ask... am I real?

Lant: ...what kind of stupid question is that? Of course you're real go to bed.

Electra: I'm serious, though. Ever since I spoke with Caius, I've been asking questions about my own exsistance... and quite frankly, I can't seem to find the answers.

Lant: What kinda questions?

Electra: I'm supposed to be the daughter of two Sevants, but if that's the case then how on earth was I born?  And for that matter, when was I born? Am I from the future? And if so, why was sent back in time? Who raised me? Did I even have a childhood? And why do I care so much about destorying the Mages' association? How did I-

Lant: Okay look, stop right there. I don't want to hear it.

Electra: When royalty speaks to you, it would be best for you to-

Lant: Can it; I've read enough Troll Grant Morrison and Troll Allan Moore to spot an oncoming philosophical discussion from a mile away. And while normally I would love to talk about your potential non-existence some other time, right now we have a Metaverse to save and I need to get some sleep. Good. Night.

Electra: ...

SEE YOU, SPACE DETECTIVE