T-rex: Hey guys, I heard you were reviewing some BAD FANFICTION. Can I help?
Jake: Karkat, why is a dinosaur talking to us?
Karkat: BECAUSE APPARENTLY THEY HAD VOCAL CORDS. WHO KNEW?
Dave: sure why not. its not like wed be able to stop you what with your huge teeth and all.
Jake: ...I don't suppose you wouldn't know anything about Cowboy Bebop, would you?
T-Rex: Do I ever!
===One Cowboy Bebop marathon later:===
Mars 2071, summer. Spike was just returning from turning in a big bounty over to the police
Dave: so they actually got the bounty for once? now i know this isnt canon.
and was heading back to Swordfish.
T-Rex: Not the Swordfish II (Spike's personal ship), mind you, just any old swordfish. Spike's funny that way.
This very walk is what started our little adventure.
Karkat: GIVEN THAT THIS STORY GOT THREE SEQUELS, THIS ADVENTURE IS ANYTHING BUT "LITTLE".
Spike was almost past this oak tree
T-Rex: THIS oak tree! RIGHT. HERE. This is where it all happened in real life! I'm not crazy!
when someone said: “Sumimasen!” (Sumimasen=Excuse me in Japanese)
Dave: good thing dharma isnt here. shed probably be calling us a bunch of donkey testicles right now.
Spike stopped short and looked around. No one was in sight.
Karkat: GREAT, MORE NINJAS. JUST WHAT I NEEDED...
“What the hell?” thought he.
Pinkie Pie: Yoda, you are not. ^-^
“Sumimasen.” it said again. Finally, Spike looked up.
A chibi in the shape of a girl with little white wings was hanging by the collar of her gold and white dress.
Dave: i should point out that chibi actually means short person or small child. so saying that shes a chibi in the shape of a girl is kinda redundant. unless chibi supposed to be another species. which would be dumb because cowboy bebop doesnt have aliens.
Jake: Actually, some episodes do have non-sentient life forms. Technically speaking there could be sentient life in the world of cowboy bebop that we just haven't had a chance to see. Now the plausibility of an alien race looking exactly like really tiny humans (aka "the star trek problem") is another matter entirely, but that's a discussion for another day.
She had long flowing pinkish strawberry hair to her waist and looked to be in distress. “Uh… sumimasen san, but I’m a little stuck by my dress and I need some help.
T-Rex: I guess you could say I'm just... HANGING AROUND!
Pinkie: You've got a long way to go before you can master the art of the pun, young grasshopper. -_-
Could you get me down from here?”
the chibi asked. Spike looked lost. “Why the hell is this stuffed doll talking to me for?”he thought.
Dave: edward must have spiked his coffee with shrooms again.
Jake: Do note that this entire scene is meant to be a homage to "wish", a manga created by the ever-so-popular clamp, which you may recognize as the people behind Cardcaptor Sakura, xxxHolic (pronounced "-holic"), and the character designs of Code Geass. I'd say more but i haven't read it yet.
Spike reached forward and touched her dress.
Utahraptor: ...well this has gotten uncomfortable...
The chibi herself was lost. “Why didn’t this human run away like the others did?” she thought. When the chibi had asked for help before, the others would run away in fear.
Suddenly, the chibi jerked her head up. “Uh-oh.” said she. Spike paused. “What’s wrong?” he asked blandly.
Dave: i can see why she becomes spikes love intrest. girls just go crazy for guys who dont care about anything.
T-Rex: No way!
Dave: yes way. and ill prove it too.
* Dials Calliope's number on cell phone.*
Calliope (on phone): hello?
Dave: hey calli its dave. say you know that really long slashfic you wrote about john and i where we were we fell in love at a military school and eridan was a drill seargent??
Calliope: ah yes, "the Unbroken bonds of passion and dUty". i remember that one qUite fondly. ^u^
Dave: yeah well i just wanted to let you know that i dont care about it.
Dave: see?? i told you.
Before the chibi could answer, a white neko jumped out from the bushes, onto the oak, and attacked her. (Neko=cat in Japanese)
KARKAT: ...REALLY? IN YOUR INFINITE WISDOM, YOU THOUGHT IT WAS NECESSARY TO USE THE JAPANESE WORD FOR "CAT". MAY I REMIND YOU THAT NONE OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS IN COWBOY BEBOP ARE JAPANESE, NOR DO THEY SPEAK IT IN-UNIVERSE. AND EVEN IF THEY DID, THROWING RANDOM JAPANESE WORDS INTO THE NARRATION WOULD SCARE CAUSAL FANS AWAY. IN SHORT, THERE IS LITERALLY NO REASON FOR THIS HAPHAZARD LANGUAGE SUBSTITUTION OTHER THAN THE AUTHOR STROKING HER OWN EGO OVER HER NON-MASTERY OF JAPANESE.
“Help!!!” the chibi screamed as she kicked and hit at the furry beast.
But the neko didn’t cease its abuse. The brut
Dave: nice spelling there.
would have torn the chibi to pieces if Spike hadn’t found a stick beaten it senseless.
Karkat: TENSHI TRAIL, ADVOCATING ANIMAL ABUSE SINCE 2004.
Stunned in defeat, the wounded animal ran off. The bounty hunter turned back to the chibi. She was overly grateful. “Arigato san!!!” the chibi exclaimed. Spike was unenthusiastic.
Dave: he was probably thinking 'if only i knew what she was saying'.
Snap! The chibi paused and looked up. The branch that she was hanging from was breaking off. “Uh-oh!” said she. “Now what?” Spike asked. “It’s breaking!” the chibi declared.
The branch kept breaking until…… SNAP!!! The chibi began plummeting down. This looked like the end for her.
Utaraptor: I doubt it; she's probably very light and trees don't grow very tall in cities. She might end up with serious injuries, but a I doubt a fall from that height would be fatal. But I'm not a biologist nor am I a physician, so what do I know?
But… the chibi opened her eyes to see a palm.
Dave: heaven must be having its annual luau.
She looked up to see looking down at her. Gratitude filled the chibi’s eyes. “Arigato san!” she wailed. Spike was now so far lost.
Karkat: AS AM I.
“Oh.” said the chibi. “I’m a tenshi-chi and I’m looking for something.”
Jake: Okay, so I was right that she isn't human, but apparently "chibi" isn't her species' name. Still, for what it's worth, "chibi" is still an accurate description.
“This is nuts.” Spike said at last. “I’m out of here!” Then he let go of the chibi, walked over to Swordfish, got in, and flew off.
Karkat: APPARENTLY; NOT ONLY WAS THE SHIP ONLY A FEW FEET AWAY FROM THE TALKING KEWPIE DOLL, BUT THE ENTIRE CREW HAD NOTHING INTERESTING TO SAY OR DO ONCE HE GOT ON BOARD. AND EVEN IF THIS WAS THE CASE, COWBOY BEBOP LOVES TAKING IT'S SWEET TIME TO BUILD ATMOSPHERE, WHILE THIS JUST JUMP-CUTS TO A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SCENE WITH NO TRANSITION.
T-Rex: Also, I don't know about you guys, but I'm getting the weird mental image of spike flying through the air riding a swordfish like a skateboard. If that is indeed what the author intended, THIS IS THE SINGLE GREATEST SCENE IN ALL OF FANFICTION HISTORY!
The next morning, Spike awoke in his room. “That was some weird dream!” he mumbled out.
Dave: oh phew it was just a dream thats lucky am i right.
Jake: Interesting thing for spike to say, given how he secretly suspects his entire life is just a dream.
“Hey!” a small voice spoke up. Spike froze and looked up. “Hey!” it called again. A grim notion hit the bounty hunter. “Don’t tell me it’s….” he thought.
“Hey! the chibi yelled as she popped up in his face. Spike was a little startled.
Karkat: HOW DID SHE GET ON THE SHIP IN THE FIRST PLACE IF SHE WAS STRUGGLING TO GET DOWN FROM A TREE?
“You again?” he asked. “Uh-huh.” the chibi answered. Spike just sat there and looked at her. “Anyway,” the chibi continued. “Arigato for saving me.” “Uh….yeah.” said Spike. The chibi grinned. “Oh! Allow me to introduce myself!” she exclaimed. Then the chibi put one hand to her chest and the other in the air. Bright lights surrounded her as she changed forms.
Dave: no comment. 'panty and stocking with garterbelt' pretty much ruined transformation sequences for me.
Karkat: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS MAGIC IN THE COWBOY BEBOP UNIVERSE!
Jake: Putting aside the fact that this transformation could be a perfectly natural process for her species, i would like to point out that there is a precedent for magic. Spike (and certain other character) occasionally seek out the advice of fortune tellers, who's prognostications tend to be accurate, if extremely cryptic.
Karkat: BUT NOT THIS KIND. COWBOY BEBOP "MAGIC" IS ALL LIKE, "MAYBE ITS REAL OR MAYBE IT'S ALL BULLSHIT, HELL IF I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A STRAIGHT ANSWER." THIS IS "SAILOR MOON" MAGIC THAT'S REALLY FLASHY AND ONLY EXISTS TO MOVE THE PLOT ALONG.
The chibi took form into a lovely tall slender long pink-haired woman.
Dave: my mary sue senses are tingling.
She looked like a tenshi. (Tenshi=angel in Japanese)
Karkat: JUST SAY ANGEL! RANDOM JAPANESE WORDS DO NOT MAKE YOUR STORY SOUND EXOTIC, IT MAKES IT SOUND LIKE IT WAS WRITTEN BY A LOONY FANGIRL.
“My name is Sakura.” the woman answered.
T-Rex: Fun fact; 70% of all sues are named "Sakura". THAT'S A REAL STATISTIC DON'T LOOK IT UP!
Spike was just as lost as yesterday. “Okay. I’m still dreaming.” he thought.
Jake: Again, a recurring theme in the series.
“You’re not dreaming!” Sakura exclaimed. Spike didn’t seem to believe her. “I’m real. I’ll show you.” she said. Then Sakura grabbed Spike by the wrist and rubbed his hand against her cheek. Her cheek felt like velvet and rose petals. “Now do you believe me?” Sakura asked.
Karkat: YES, TOUCHING ONE WOMAN'S CHEEK IS ALL IT TAKES TO CURE SPIKE OF HIS PTSD AND CONVINCE HIM THAT HE ISN'T IN AN ENDLESS DREAM.
Within the hall, Soot was walking to the other side to get something eat.
Karkat: WHO THE FUCK IS SOOT?!
Jake: I think she meant to say "jet".
He had past Spike’s door when he backed up to see Sakura in the crack of the door. “Hmm.” Soot thought. “I thought Spike was nuts about Julia. Hm. Guess he found a new love.” Then he shrugged and walked off.
Dave: i dont even care that i have no idea how she got on the ship in the first place. man i am such a good bounty hunter.
“Dozo let me stay.” Sakura pleaded. “If you make me leave, my mistress will fine me and make me into a slave. I don’t want to do that! Dozo let me stay!”
Unable to stand her whining, Spike replied: “All right. Just stop whining.”
Dave: well to be fair this is more or less how he ended up with the rest of his crew.
Sakura was overjoyed. “Oh arigato san!” she yelled as she hugged him tight. “Yeah whatever.” said Spike. Then he sighed in distress.
See You in Space Tenshi
T-Rex: Wow, that was... not completely terrible. I mean don't get me wrong, it's not the best thing I've ever read; Sakura and her weeaboo speak stick out like a sore thumb in this futuristic noir setting. But at least Spike seems to be in character, and I do admit I'm morbidly curious to learn Sakura's no doubt extremely contrived backstory.
Dave: same here. and looking ahead on the tv tropes wiki the sue pile doesnt stop getting taller.
Utaraptor: I see where you guys are getting at, but this story seems to at odds at what Cowboy Bebop was all about. It basically takes all the stuff people hate about anime that cowboy bebop didn't have, and shoves it back in. With interest.
Karkat: ...DO I EVEN NEED TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH I HATE THIS STORY EVEN AFTER JUST ONE CHAPTER?
Jake: Well my nameless reptilian friends, it appears that our time together has grown short. Perhaps we'll meet again in the future?
T-Rex: Totally! In fact, I think I'm going to build my OWN fanfic-powered time machine and use to thwart an obscure JRPG villain!
Dave: yeah. have fun with that.
T-Rex: Look out, Egil! Because the T-Rex party van is coming for you!
Electra Pendragon: I'm booooooooaaaarrrrrd.
Caius Ballad: Well tough. We have the entire timestream to search. And there's quite a lot of it.
Electra: Well, can you make it shorter or something? I'm getting tired of all this waiting around.
Caius: Don't be ridiculous, child. The timeline isn't something you can- wait, no; that could actually work.
Electra: Wait, seriously?
Caius: Yes. Normally time compression would be extremely ill advised, but since destruction of the timeline is what we seek anyway...
Electra: Great! So what's the first step?
Caius: I'm afraid that's beyond even my knowledge, child. But I know where we can find out...
Pinkie: DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUN!
Electra: There it is again! What the hell was that?
Caius: ...It would take too long to explain. Now come; we have a witch to hunt for...
SEE YOU, SPACE DETECTIVE