Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 37

MEANWHILE, IN DEATH VALLEY,

CALIBORN AND LUX LEXOR ARE ON A MAGICAL JOURNEY

OF SELF-DISCOVERY, WHERE THEY MUST LEARN TO OVERCOME

THEIR DIFFERENCES TO SURVIVE

Caliborn: YOu'RE SO GAAAAAY.

Lux Lexor: Shut up.

Caliborn: GAAAAAAAAAY.

Lux Lexor: Shut up.

Caliborn: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.

Lux: Xkay, first xf all I'm nxt gay, I'm 'Pansexual'. Secxnd, a hate-crush is a perfectly normal thing fxr a Trxll my ageitude tx have, even if it is with sxmexne outside my xwn species.

Caliborn: I'M SORRY I CAN'T HEAR YOu BECAuSE OF HOW GAY YOu SOuND. DID I MENTION YOu'RE GAY? BECAuSE YOu ARE. GAY. AND THAT MEANS YOu SUCK! DICK! BECAuSE YOu'RE GAY! HA HA AH AH AH AH AH AH AH!

Lux: Gxg, if xnly yxu'd just die xf a gunshxt wxund xr sxmething.

*BANG*

Calborn: *DEAD*

Lux: ...um, I mean if xnly yxu expirated due tx a millixn dxllars falling xn yxur head.

*BANG*

Lux: GAAAH! MY LEG!

The Great And Powerful Trixie: Good work, team. Thanks to my leadership, the Suicide Squad has accomplished another sucessful mission!

Sho Minamimoto = √(SOCATOA!)

Gamzee: NoW CoMe oN, wE CaN'T KeEp tHe bOsS WaItInG. sHe sAiD To cApTuRe tHeSe mOtHeRfUcKeRs dEaD Or aLiVe aNd tHaT'S JuSt wHaT We'rE GoNnA Do.

Lux: Wait, weren't yxu the judge at my trial?

Gamzee: YeAh, I'M PrEtTy mUlTiTaLeNtEd.

Lux: ...If I accused yxu xf cxrruptixn, wxuld I get a retrial? 

Gamzee: PrObAbLy nOt.

Lux: ...sx it gxes.

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 36

Monarch: people of earth! unless you surrender to my demands and delivwer to me all the money in the wvorld to me, monarch, wvho is not cronus ampora, you'll nevwer see your belovwed san francisco again! MONARCH HAS SPOKEN!

Tavros Nitram: uHH, iF WE DID THAT WOULDN'T IT BE COMPLETELY WORTHLESS BECAUSE OF SIMPLE ECONOMICS,

Monarch: HA! i, monarch, wvho is not cronus ampora, scoff at such a ludicrous suggestion that i, monarch, could be wvrong about anything! in fact, i, monarch, and not cronus ampora, nowv decree that the more plentiful something is the more it is wvorth. AND I CAN TOTALLY DO THAT BECAUSE TIME TRAVEL!

Jake English: Not so fast, monarch! Your days of violating the laws of supply and demand are over!

Monarch: finally! wvhat took you guys so long to get here?

Dave: we got stuck doing a crossover to pimp out some story the producer wrote.

Karkat: NOW WHAT'S YOUR PLAN, ANYWAY? IT'S GOING TO BE SOMETHING SELFISH AND STUPID, ISN'T IT?

Monarch: Far from it! After I conquer your pathetic planet, I will scour it for The Worlogog, an artifact that contains a microcosm of our own univwerse! Then, using it, I will travel back in time to the beginning of creation, where I wvill become a god-

Karkat: YEP. SELFISH AND STUPID, JUST LIKE I SAID.

Pinkie Pie: You and Dr. Mrs. The Monarch will never get away with this!-+-

Monarch: ...wvho?

Pinkie Pie: You know... your wife. Arn't you that guy from The Venture Brothers?

Monarch: ...wvha? NO! That's THE Monarch. I'm just Monarch. Totally different.

Pinkie: Riiiiight...

Jake: Come on, chaps! Cry havoc, and let loose the dogs of war!

Monarch: HA! But don't you see? I can nevwer be defeated as long as I havwe THIS! 

Jake: *GASP* The cliffhanger induction device!? By jove!

Monarch: Yes! Wvach helplessly, mortals, as your destinies spiral out of control before your vwery eyes!

Karkat: OH COME ON! YOU DON'T AUTOMATICALLY WIN JUST BECAUSE THE BATTLE HAPPENS OFFSCR-

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000: 1 Year Anniversary Special

Edrobot: Well it's my one-year anniversary, but I'm also writing something for Camp NaNoWriMo... Maybe I should do something special for both of them. Hm...

Reviewing...

ATLANTA NIGHTS

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 35

*The Devil is playing with little figurines that look like Pinkie Pie and Electra Pendragon*  

The Devil: "DON'T WORRY, PINKIE PIE. WITH MY HELP YOU WILL BE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PONY AT THE GRAND GALLOPING GALA." "AWW, THANK YOU, ELECTRA! LET ME GIVE YOU A BIG SLOPPY KISS!" *kissey noises*

Darkseid: Ahem.

The Devil: AHHH! LORD DARKSEID! YOU DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING, DID YOU?

Darkseid: No, I did not see you playing with your dolls again, if that's what you mean.

The Devil: GOOD! SO, UH, WHAT'S UP?

Darkseid: Are all my preperations in order?

The Devil: YES. MONARCH HAS BEEN DISPATCHED, THE MONITORS ARE OCCUPIED, AND A THIRD PARTY IS READY TO RELEASE THE BEAST.

Darkseid: And the seige of New Genesis?

The Devil: IT'S ALL HAPPENING OFFSCREEN, JUST AS YOU WISHED, LORD DARKSEID. 

Darkseid: Good. You are dismissed, Lucifer.

The Devil: UH, SURE THING, BOSS. I'LL JUST GET GOING NOW...

Darkseid: ...Finally, I thought he would never leave. *picks up figurines of Opal Edwards and Electra Pendragon* Now where were we. Oh yes... "Oh electra, it is so very cool that you saved me from that killer shark; it's too bad your boyfriend Lant died." "Oh that's okay, I just discovered that I am a lesbian today." "Really? So am I!" "Let's make out!" *kissey noises*

-----------------

Karkat: I DON'T GET IT, HOW THE HELL ARE YOU BEATING ME WITH MISTER GAME AND WATCH?!

Dave: i dunno. maybe you should play someone on a higher tier than ganondorf. 

Karkat: NO WAY YOU'RE GOING TO TRICK ME INTO GIVING UP MY FAVORITE CHARACTER!

Dave: whatever dude. its your funeral.

Cronus: hey there all you cool cats, wvhat's happenin'?

Jake: We had the day off, so we're playing super smash brothers.

Cronus: i dig, i dig... ya know i'm actually pretty good at that game myself. howv about you newvbies let me join, so you can see how a REAL pro does things.

Karkat: NO. NOBODY LIKES YOU.

Cronus: ...wvhy not?

Karkat: BECAUSE YOU'RE A LAME PICKUP ARTIST WHO WEARS AN UNPLEASANTLY FAKE PERSONALITY AND IS ALSO INCREDIBLY CLASSIST. 

Jake: Also we only have four controllers.

Karkat: EVEN PINKIE PIE DOESN'T LIKE YOU, AND SHE HAS SOMETHING NICE TO SAY ABOUT EVERYONE.

Cronus: get outta town.

Karkat: NO, SERIOUSLY. WATCH THIS: HEY PINKIE, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT ERIDAN?

Pinkie: I think he's a real snappy dresser! ^-^

Karkat: HOW ABOUT CALIBORN?

Pinkie: That guy really knows how to laugh! ^-^

Karkat: AND ELECTRA? 

Pinkie: She's awfully competitive... but grandma pie always said; you won't get anywhere just by standing around! ^-^

Karkat: THEN WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT CRONUS?

Pinkie: Uh... I really like his mane? @_@

Cronus: *tsk*, you're breakin' my heart, vwantas. and here i thought wve wvere friends...

Dave: have you guys even talked to each other up till now??

Karkat: NO, AND I INTEND TO KEEP IT THAT WAY. GOODBY, CRONUS.

Cronus: now that's just mean. but tell you wvhat, i'll be wvilling to forgivwe you if you'd just-

Karkat: GOODBY, CRONUS.

Cronus: but i'm a really nice guy if you just get to-

Karkat: GOODBY, CRONUS.

Cronus: ...okay that is the LAST strawv. i am sick and tired of being treated like a joke by the land-dwvellers and mutants that i've been REDUCED to associating wvith. man, someday i swvear if i become a crazy supervwillain i'm going to conquer the future and then go back in time and conquer the world again just to make your life a livwing hell.

Karkat: GOODBY, CRONUS.

Cronus: *nyeh* i'm outta here, land dwvellers!

Dave: that guy has issues.

Jake: You can say that again...

Jane Crocker: Guys! Some evil supervillain from the future named Monarch has gone back in time to try to conquer the present!

Jake: Good golly! What a sudden and shocking turn of events that is completely unrelated to our dealings with cronus!

Karkat: GREAT, JUST WHAT WE NEEDED. ANOTHER AMBITIOUS, OVERPOWERED FREAK WITH ACCESS TO TIME TRAVEL.

Jane: But that's not all! Someone else has gone on a murderous rampage! And his first victim... was MS. PAINT!

Jake: The bastard! Don't worry, Crocker; you have my word that we won't let these vagabonds commit crimes wantonly any further!

Karkat: I'LL GET TEREZI ON THE HOMICIDE CASE AND WE'LL HANDLE THE SUPERVILLAIN. WE'RE GOOD AT THAT SORT OF THING.

Pinkie: Aaaaad-VENTURE TIME! ^0^

Jake: Do want to come along, Jane? We could always use a fifth wheel.

Jane: Uh... I'm not sure. Compare to all the stuff you've been through lately, I've been feeling a bit left behind on the power curve... :(

Jake: Well, can't say we didn't ask. Tally ho, everyone!

Karkat: YEAH YEAH.

Dave: whatever.

Pinkie: Weeeeeee! ^0^

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 34

???: Ballad... I see you have returned to your old ways. Is attempted destruction of the timeline not enough for you?

Caius Ballad: You have no need to fear me, Monitor. I have made a warrior's oath to return to my duties as guardian of time. In fact, I am here for the same reason you are; to uncover the key to The Great Disaster.

???: ...Very well. I have already witnessed The Wall's answer, and it is meaningless to me. Perhaps you might shed a bit more light on the answer's meaning.

Paddra Nsu-Yeul: The wall... it speaks!

*A series of letters written in 100-foot tall flames appear in front of the Source Wall*

Caius: Let me see; P...H...E...L... oh you've got to be kidding me.

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 33

Alfred Smith: (Great work, Electra! We made it into the citadel without being spotted!) *STOP*

Electra Pendragon: (Was there ever any doubt?)

Lant Kreck: (Yes. But that's not important right now)

Alfred: (Correct. Now that we're inside, we need to work in the shadows to find a way to stop the Prophet Gilesbie's plan from succeeding. You have your watches synchronized?)

Electra: (Yep.)

Lant: (Affirmative.)

Alfred: (Good. Operation "Balamb Garden" is now-)

Dirk: Yo.

Alfred: EEK! *leaps into Electra's arms, whereupon she just drops him* Oh, wait. Dirk, Jade, it's you! How did you get here? Where's Troll Phelous?

Dirk: Long story, I'll explain later.

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 32

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======At the JEMToSR3K boardroom ======

Edrobot: What?! What do you mean you're not going to kill off Troll Phelous Something Something D1?!

The Devil: IT'S LIKE THE KIDS SAID. NOBODY CARES ABOUT HIM, SO HIS DEATH WOULD BE COMPLETELY MEANINGLESS.

Edrobot: Nooo! How else am I going to show that the stakes are now higher than ever?!

The Devil: YOU COULD ALWAYS HAVE ME KILL AN ACTUALLY POPULAR CHARACTER.

Edrobot: I guess I could do that and bring him back as a cyborg in the next season...

The Devil: YEAH ABOUT THAT. MY CONTRACT SAYS THAT IF I GET TO KILL SOMEONE, THAT PERSON HAS TO STAY DEAD FOREVER.

Edrobot: Oh. Well what about-

The Devil: NO YOU CAN'T INTRODUCE A CLONE.

Edrobot: Then how about-

The Devil: NO TWIN SIBLINGS.

Edrobot:  But what if we-

The Devil: OR CHANGELING DOPPELGANGERS.

Edrobot: Well fuck.

The Devil: SO, WHAT'S IT GONNA BE THEN, BOSS?

Edrobot: *sigh* all right, here's what you're going to do.