Sunday, March 24, 2013

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 29

Meulin: \(=^..^)/

Rose: That's right, Meulin. It's about time we get a character focus episode. 

Roxy: i know right? i just hope the producer hasn't run good ideas yet.

Sollux: oh come on what are the odd2 of that?

Wolf O'Donnel: Yo yo yo, Wolfie D and Daddy B are in da HOUSE!

Big Daddy: ...

Sollux: never miind.

Rose: Hey, it could be worse. It could have been Ryan and Comstock who were rapping.

Sollux: only becau2e he'2 probably 2aviing that for 2ea2on 4.

Wolf: Yo, if you wanna get past us, Wolfman and Daddyman, you gotta gotta read this fic; WOlfesntine Comeback. And you know it's awesome because it has the word "Wolf" in the title Aint that right, Big D?

Big Daddy: ...

Rose: If it's the only way past you two, then I guess that's fine. I mean how bad could it be?

Natzee man says, "No! It has no proof!"

Other natzee man say, "Yes! Hitler are commit die."

Rose: Never mind.

Sollux: ii had no iidea that german 2oldiier2 2poke two each other iin broken englii2h.

Roxy: also hitler didt commit sucide so much as become a vampire and then a cybug

Suddenly, Mr. Wolfenstein

Rose: According to the manual the main character's name is actually "B.J. Blazkowicz". Of course the Wolfenstien series isn't really known for it's storytelling, so we'll let this one slide.

was come out of the nearby ventilatin duck.

Roxy: he was inside of a DUCK? what is he a contortanist or something

He pulled out his first wepon and then his secon dwepon and then his third wepon until he got to his fiveth wepon which was a flamethrower

Sollux: ii've heard of duel-weiildiing, but thii2 ii2 just riidiiculou2.

Meulin: \(=^..^)/

because he was use scroll wheel and hot keys not asignned.

Roxy: remember kidz, always read the instruction manual before you play a new video game.

Suddenly the room was get flamed and Natzees become eatable but nobody eat them because cannibal bad.

Meulin: \(=^..^)/

"Argh, I do not appreciate this activity!" one of the dudes said because being fired is no fun.

Rose: Yes, Quite.

Once the Natzees were die, Wolfenstein gave a sleigh and pat himself on baks. "I would like a garnola bar right now," he said to himself out loud because he is was hungry.

Roxy: feel the excitement of WOLFENSTINE! death defying ESCAPES, bloodthirsty NAZI HORDES, and scrounging around for FOOD!

However a nearby scapegoat heard him and went to tell Germen frends about introson but was blamed for kills because his name was scapegoat.

Sollux: he wa2 probably the lea2t favoriite chiild.

Back in the froom that Wolfenstein was currently in at that time he jumped on a nearby table and the food osmosised into his body and instantly heeld him because that is how he eats.

Roxy: *shrugs* eh. video game logic. wacha gonna do?

"It's knife time," he said as he pulled out his knife and started to stab chairs and paintings.

Meulin:  \(=^..^)/

Then he jumped off of a guard tower and land on horse and rode into sunset because story is end.

Roxy: congradulation. *hic* this story is happy end

Rose: Actually, there's six more chapters to go.

Roxy: really? well fuck.

Chapter 2

Authours note: the last story was said that Wolfenstien was riding into sunset beacuse the story had end but I changed minds and decide to add more because of positive feedblack from the first one also i'm bored

Dr. Wolfsetein was on a plane suddenly in 1960 because he had stayed no Germanland for 15 years after the war ended because planes ware expense in the time he was in.

Rose: So much for World War II ending the Great Depression.

so he went and goth himself a university where he could learn how to doctor people up and that is how he is no longer a mr. but a dr. because he learned to be a dr.

Meulin: \(=^..^)/

Note that thsis mainly a true doctor like surgeoners and not doctor like dr. pepper.

Sollux: iit wa2 iimportant that we e2tablii2h the fact that mr. wolfen2tiien became a doctor duriing the tiime2kiip 2o the narrator can completely forget about iit iin about fiive 2econd2 from now.

So while he was on the plain which was flying over the ocean that is the pacific Ocean he opened a package and suddenly the plane was crashed into a giant phalus sticking out of the ocean which was actually not a phallus but a big obelisk. When Wolfenstein was crash the plane he forgot who he was because of the shock but noticed that the plane was made of electricity and he was organic so he decided to went with the name Bioshock.

Rose: Of all the contrived ways of blending canons... why on earth would you resort to both amnesia and a such contrived line-of-sight name?

Double Zombie Troll Phelous D1 Alter: Mwa ha ha! I've come back to life again for some reason, and I've lost all my memories. But I have this cell phone, and I have a duty to avenge my deaths, so I've decided to call myself Call of Duty!

Sollux:  that'2 niice. *OPTIC BLAST*

Double Zombie Troll Call of Phelous D1 Alter: Maybe I'll qualify for a deathstreak... *DEAD*

Suddenly, jetpacking midgets becan shitting on him.

Roxy: what is it now a boarderlands corrsover?

This isnt actually true I just wanted to say something funny.

Rose: Ha ha, you lovable scamp of a narrator. What hilarious thing will you say next?

As Biostein walked up the stairs that were on the tower on the outside he went inside and walked down more stairs that went downwards this time. "well this is stupid why would they make stairs that go up and then down it seems counterproductive" he either said or thought to himself you decide.

Meulin:  \(=^..^)/

Once he had descended the stairs, he found a thing.

Sollux: could we get a better de2criiptiion, plea2e?

"This is most likely submaranic apparatus most likely meant for reverse ascension."

Sollux: thank you.

so he went inside and pulled a nearby lever and suddenly he was go downwards. DUN DUN DUN

Roxy: will our hero survive his plunge into the abyss?? will he ever recover his lost memories? and is this the last we've seen of the third reich?? tune in next week where all those questions will be answered in a toalltay unsatisfactory mananr.
*totally unsatisfactory manner

Chapter 3

Rose: Before we continue, you might want to watch this video of the first few minutes of Bioshock, just so you can get the sense of what scene the author is trying to rip off. Don't worry, there's no spoiler.

Authores note: Ive noticed that, I havent't been using a lot of commas in my, story so I'm going to use, more to make it a realism like life.

Sollux: good thiinkiing. random pau2e2, alway2 make for, more iintere2tiing, diialogue. e2peciially iif you are troll chrii2topher walken, or troll wiilliiam, 2hatner.

Bioshock has gone downwards in the sphere in the tower and as soon as he had gotien used to the physics he realised he was underwater. "no this isnt good" he said because he had waterphobia.

Rose: Which didn't stop him from swimming to the lighthouse, but I digress.

But he needed to go, down more because there was nohere to go other than the down.

Roxy: just like this story!!!

"what is this screen thing in front of me" he said because there was a screen thing that had appeared in front of him. "my name is andrew ryan and I'm here to ask you some questions" the screen said to him. "do you think people should be entitled to sweat? Because I think that would be cool"

Roxy: are we cool yet???

Rose: Roxy, nobody's going to get that joke.

Roxy: says yoo *hic*!

the screen also said to him. Hten the screen was drop and Bioshock saw out in front of him a city which looked older than him because it was art deco and that is an old thing.


Jake English: My exposition sense is tingling! Karkat! I need to tell you about art deco right the fuck now!


Jake: ...All of them?


Then the sphere was go into one of the buildings. also bioshock was erect because art

so once he was in side the buildign he looked at the lights and they were flickering at him and he growled at it like "GRRR" because he wanted it to stop flockering but he did not know how to stop it from that because he was still a doctor.

Rose: Last time I checked becoming a doctor does not mean you forget how to operate a lightswitch.

Once the sphere was stopped he heard meth people outside the door and decided to back away because he did not want to be drugs.

Roxy: remember kidz, just say no!!!

Sollux: 2ay2 the miinor who con2tantly raiid2 her mother'2 liiquor cabiinet.

Roxy: i can quit anytime i want your not the boss of me its not a problem really *hic*!!!!!

Rose: If you say so.

But soon meth people were attacking his sphere he was in because they wanted to take out the meth from his body. "no I have no meth in body" he said to them "no we are looking for adam have you seen him"

Roxy: last time i checked he was in gendo ikaris arm if thats any help.

Rose: Roxy, that's still really obscure. Honestly, can you come up with of any references that someone our age might know?

Roxy: if i did that i'd just be an endless endless fountain justin bieber and call of duty jokes.

Rose: ...point taken. Carry on, then.

"no I have not I apologize go away" "ok" and the person outside the sphere jumped onto the seling and climbed around it like a spider because they were part spider.

Meulin: \(=^..^)/

"that was a close call" he said and suddenly the phone inside the sphere was call close. "this is another close call" he said to himself again and picked up the phone. DUN DUN DUN

Chapter 4

Author's note: I apologize for not updating thie for a couple months but I've been busy getting stoned

Sollux: at lea2t thii2 guy'2 hone2t about how hiigh he ii2 when he come2 up wiith thii2 2tuff.

and. enjoy

Rose: "Share and Enjoy", and all of it's composing words, letters, and syllables are property of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation. Any unauthorized users of Sirius Cybernetics Corporation trademarks will be fed to the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Copyright Infringement Incinerator, which is also owned by the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.

"How far would you go to save someone you live?" is what what the phone said to Bioshock

"Live? don't you" the bioshock said back to phoneman

Roxy: i might not know that but i at least know fifty ways to leave your lover.

wait fuck this is the wrong song hold up a sec

there much better

"No, I mean LIVE because you are NOT BIOSHOCK" The phony said back to not bioshock


Meulin: \(=^..^)/

adn suddenly Wolfenstein did a quicktime event and threw the phone out of the nearest window as fast as he could before it exploded. Unfortunately for him the window was made of rubber so the phone bounced off it and hit wolfenstein in the head.


Fortunately for him the phone did not explode because he had partial schizophrenia and heard voices in his head, so he couldn't thingk right because of all of the people telling him how to think.

Mituna: SC51Z0P4R3N16 D03S N07 W0RK 7H47 W4Y!!!!

Rose: ...when did you get here?

Mituna: 74E 3N7IR3 T1M3. 1 JUST D1DN'T H4V3 4NYTH1NG T0 S4Y UNT1LL N0W. AND 1 PR08481Y W0N7 S4Y 4NY7H1NG 3LS3 83C4US3 7H1S QU1RK 1S R34LLY H4RD 70 7YP3 0U7.

However, Wolfenstien was still under the water and the water was not under the bridge.

Rose: Was that supposed to be a pun? I couldn't tell.

So he started to punching upwards at the top of the bathosphere from the inside to make it go upwards, which he could do, also with the help of oxygen inside it because it floats.


seems simple enuff *hic*

And soon the sphere was at the surface and he was able to get out of it and go to the nearest shore, which was filled with ruined buildings and cars because of nuclear fallout.

Rose: For those playing at home, apparently a nuclear war happened at some point.  Either the author neglected to demonstrate something that ought to be important to the setting, or wolfenshock was down there for a lot longer than it was implied originally thought. Also, this is now a fallout crossover for some reason.

To be continued?

Chapter 5

Autnors notes: I am sorry that his isnt as good but I nedeed to establish the setting and continue the story by establishin the setting.

Roxy: aint tautology just grand? *hic*

The next chapter will have content,

Sollux: not good content or anythiing, ju2t "content". he's kiinda lazy liike that.

Wolfenstein exited out of his bathsphere and put it in his inventory and at the same tiem was walking on the shore to the land which was land.

Roxy: wait a second. he could just walk to shor the entire time???

Rose: You mean this story is, *gasp*, inconsistent? I never would have guessed.

To his left and right and all around him there were buildings that werent structualy sound because they were collapsing a lot and some had already did. Everything was covered in a tan mist that looked like sand because it was sand, but floating, and everything had a greenular tint. for all intensive purposes the city was destroyed. Also this is New York's city if you didnt read the last one.

Roxy: "read the last one...?" did the author forget to upload a chapter or something?

Rose: I wouldn't put it past him.

Wolfenstein decided to begin starting walking forwards. He saw a road near him, but thought, This can't be a road, there are cars on roads, because there were no cars on the road.


Yep, no cars on the road. You have clearly done your fallout research.

He decided to walk down the road towards the west area which was where the road went in the direction he was headed.

Meulin: \(=^..^)/

He needed to be extra careful today because he didnt have wepon,

Rose: Like most video game characters, Wolfenstine apparently loses all of his stuff whenever it would be dramatically convenient for him to do so.

also because the road he was walking on led out into waist lands. Suddenly, he felt something skin his head. "I don't know what that was," he said out loud to himself, because that was how he felt. Suddenly, he felt another something skim his head, extra, and it took off a couple hairs as well. "Oh no I must be getting shotted," he said,

Roxy: hes the best!! *hic*

 "and I'll take cover over here," he also said over there next to the cover.

"This is the part where you fall down and bleed to death!"

Sollux: oh, really? damn ii gue22 ii actually need two read the 2criipt next tiime.

a man in a suit said to the Wolfenstein behind the cover. He took his shotgunsniper and shotsniped at him a lot.

no," Wolfenstein said back to the man in the suit.

Roxy: this is the part where you fall down.

And he injected himself with a nearby syringe and took less damage and felt stronger too ,so he lifted up his cover and moved it quickly toward the other guy so that it would hurt him.

Roxy: remember kidz; taking drugs gives you superpowers! which is ironic given how he said he didn't want to take drugs just a copue clapters ago.
*couple chapters

"Take cover"

"No I'm ded" the guy said before getting crushed to death

And with that he took suit and gun and cut off the dudes arm because it had a nest computer he could use for radistion.

Rose: Way to honor the deceased, hero.


Chapter 6

Authors note: Because simple things are more well-received by idoits (look at Apples, they suck, cant be upgrade)

Rose: Lets not get into that debate please.

I havent not been trying to experiment with simpler names for Wolfenstein. So I decided to go with Steinman, because STein is the part of the his name and he is a man.

Sollux: and now he'2 gettiing hii2 name changed for the thiird tiime. thii2 tiime two the name of a bo22 from biio2hock who already ha2 a back2tory that ha2 nothiing two do wiith any of thii2.


Rose: If there's a joke here I don't get it.

"Hello," said the computer from the arm Steinman was carrying

"Hello," said Steinman back to the computer from the arm Steinman was carrying

"I am going to take you off of yourarm now" He also said

"no, don't it will kill me sooner than you think" and the computer frowned.

Steinman didnt want to not have the computer feeling well. But then he suddenly remembered that he had just been chopping up a lot of people and rearranging the faces while he was still underwater,

Sollux: whiich agaiin ii2 a complete retcon of wolfen2tiineman2hock'2 back2tory, but whatever.

so he had already done bad things. So he was alreday guilty so this wouldn't hurt much relative to himself.

"Haha you are gonn die, son!" he said like a rapper because they indimidate people.

"No please dont I'll be dead," protested the arm computer back to the rapper.

Meulin: \(=^..^)/

"No, no!"


"Double negative"




Meulin: \(=^..^)/

And sudddenly he took the arm and pulled the comptuer off of it, which caused it to bleed a lot, especially outwards. The flesh that was there was being pulled because it was attached to both of the things until it broke, which made the arm more bleeding. There was blood everywhere all over the ground, like roses. the arm was still muscling and it made a middle finger at Steinman because he was being a dick to it.

"But you know I am a computer not an arm, so ya"


Chapter 7

Rose: The last chapter.  And it couldn't come at a better time if you ask me.

"Alrght, I think we got off on the wrong foot," said Wolfensteinman to the computer.

"Indeed, and I need feet," said the computer back to Steinman.

"Alrght, I think I'll go get you some," said Steinman, and then he suddenly

ripped the computer apart into small pieces by looking at it with great intensity.

"Ahgrhrgll beep" the computer noised as it dieded.

"Aha, take that bitch monsther," he insulted towards the deading machine.

Sollux: why diid you get the computer iif you were ju2t goiing two de2troy iit? oh gog ii need a driink.

Roxy: no worries! *hic* i brought extras

And then Steinman decided to gather his bearings and resources and find a plan inside his mind.

He looked around, and picked up a sniper rifle that was in his arms already. He reloaded it with

- Exploseev Roundz® -

Rose: Another fine product of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation. Do you worry that your combustable bullets won't explode fast enough? Well worry no longer; Exploseev Roundz® are guaranteed to detonate the moment you pull the trigger.

Sollux: warniing. 2iiriiu2 cybernetiic2 corporatiion ii2 not re2pon2iible for damage two weaponry, arm2, eye2, leg2, teeth, braiin2, bone2, organ2, or geniitaliia that may re2ult from the u2e of explo2eev round2. a2k a doctor iif explo2eev round2 are riight for you before u2e.

ammunition and fired it at a car which then exploded into a bunch of fire

and then he did this a few more times into other cars, exploding them.

"This is the power of guns," Steinman said in awe at the power of guns.


And so Steenman took all of his things that he needed sucuh as water and food and snacks and medical suppples as well as of course indeed the sniper rifle too because that was inportant for shooting people and other threateneing things.

And Steinman headed west, across the wasteland.

He wandered for many weeks, across nothing but ashen desert.

He ate many meals and camped at many places.

And usually his snacks were deserts too, because he could do that

And one day he came across a cave.

And the cave said, "hello Steinman," said the cave

"What the fuckk" said Steinman in Greek to the cave talking to him

I rmean in response


And they were both like "whatt" to each other for the longest time. It went on forever, for a very long time. The amount of time it went on was a very long amount. It went on for a very long time.

And then the cave exploded due to TNT being there, and then Steinman was like "yeah"

And he headed west more across the wastleand to places.

To be continued?

Roxy: noep!

Rose: And that was Wolfenstine Comeback. It's sort of average, really. I do like the idea of seeing Bioshock through the lens of a badfic, but sadly they didn't spend too much time on that.

Roxy: yeah that was the best part wasnt it.

Sollux: meuliin? what diid you thiink?

Meulin:  \(=v-v)/

Rose: And now I'm guessing our captors have some sort of silly, ineffectual plan that they plan to use to keep us from passing them. Am I right.

Wolf: Aww hells yeah! Let's go for the combo attack!

Big Daddy: ...


Rose: I don't get it.

Sollux: yeah me neiither. are they haviing a 2eiizure?

Roxy: *sigh* ill explain later. lets go already while theyre occupied.

Rose: good idea.


Alfred Smith: *yawn*

Lant Kreck: 'Morning, sleepyhead.

Alfred: G'morning, Lant... oh geez, sorry about passing out yesterday. STOP

Lant: It's okay, you didn't see that ditch coming. It's just your bad luck that we couldn't remove all the leeches in time.

Alfred: So I'm to assume that there were no incidents last night? STOP

Lant: Yeah. Me and Electra took turns at watch all night.

Alfred: She wasn't a problem, was she? I know you aren't fond of her... STOP

Lant: She was better than usual, at least.

Alfred: Thank god. Last thing I need right now is a player-killer. STOP.

Lant: know, you never did answer my question.

Alfred: Oh? STOP

Lant: About Electra. And why you like her so much.

Alfred: You mean aside from the fact that she's a physically attractive girl around my age who has an exotic feature that I find attractive? STOP

Lant: Yes.

Alfred: It's a long story... you see back in my dimention there was this thing called Fate/Stay Night. It was a visual novel and then an anime and then a manga and then they made some games... did I ever mention it to you?

Lant: Once or twice.

Alfred: Well on the show there was this villain guy named Gilgamesh. And even though he was an unrepentant asshole, back then he was the coolest guy ever. I mean he had golden armor and all the magic swords, ALL OF THEM. And during my SBURB session, that's kind of what I aspired to; accomplishing everything I could without giving a damn about what other people thought. STOP.

Lant: So what happened?

Alfred: I already told you; I grew up. I made friends, actual friend, not just impersonal internet friends. My Rufus, who my first consort, the Deboniar Demon, who was Daimonds Droog's counterpart in my session, Vriskasprite-

Lant: Wait, Vriskasprite?

Alfred: More meta shinannigans; I'll explain another time. But as I was saying; though my actions eventually led to our session's ruin, trough trial and turbulence we still managed to form an unbreakable bond of lasting friendship, as we regularly put our lives on the line for each other. STOP.

Lant: But what does this have to do with Electra?

Alfred: I'm getting to that. You see when I met Electra, I recognized her as the sort of person I could have become; a tyrant who gives no love for others, because she was never loved herself. And with that in mind, I made it my goal to redeem her by becoming her friend, and given time possibly her lover. STOP

Lant: And you do that by acting like a lovesick fool who obeys her every command.

Alfred: Yeeeaaahh, I admit I haven't quite nailed down the perfect strategy. As long as she can hide her ego behind her father's reputation, she'll never grow as a person. But if I called her out, I would risk alienating her further. But I figure is that I can at least teach her to trust me. That would be a good start at least. STOP

Electra Pendragon: What are you to plebeans talking about?

Lant: (Speak of the devil...)

Alfred: Oh, we were just talking about how awesome you are. STOP

Electra: Well, I am pretty awesome, arn't I? Especially now that I've found a way out of this jungle!

Alfred: Really? STOP

Electra: Yep! In fact I belive it leads straight to the heart of Gilesbie's citadel.

Alfred: Allright then! What are we waiting for? STOP

Lant: (Uh, Al? She's already betrayed us once. What makes you think she won't do it again?)

Alfred: (She had the chance to betray us last night and she didn't. Besides, trust is a two way street. If we want her to trust us, we've got to be able to trust her.)

Electra: Well? Get a move on, mongrels!

Lant: (...You'd better be right about this.)


Triple Zombie Troll Call of Phelous D1 Alter: Ahah! I'm back again! Or whatever. 

Wolf: Aww man, you suck, bro.

Triple Zombie Troll Call of Phelous D1 Alter: Oh yeah? Just for that, I'm going to kill you!

Wolf:  Yo, Daddy B; use GLACIER RETREAT! 

Big Daddy: ...

Triple Zombie Troll Call of Phelous D1 Alter: Glacier Retreat? What kind of attack is... AAAAAH, HE'S STEPPING ON MY SPINE! WHEN WILL THIS AGONY END?

Wolf: Well let's see, he moves at about a half meter per year so I'd say... October, maybe?

Triple Zombie Troll Call of Phelous D1 Alter: Well fuck my hoofbeast.

Phelous: You already said that.

Triple Zombie Troll Call of Phelous D1 Alter: Oh yeah, I forgot.

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