Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 27

Previous | Next

Last time, on Jake Englishs' Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the year 3000...

Phelous: Okay, it's time for me to review fanfiction because Jake English isn't here which automatically means I get to steal his show. So today we're going to read this copy of Fifty Shades of Gray that I found in an ancient Indian burial ground!

Obscuras Lupa: No, you fool! You'll destroy us allllllll!

Phelous: *Pfft* What's the worst that could happen.

*Cut to Darkdeath Evilman standing in the ruins of Phelous' house*

Darkdeath Evilman: Fools! Now that you have released me from my eternal slumber, I, Darkdeath Evilman, of Orgy XIII, shall bring ruin upon this pathetic planet!

Phelous: Hmm, maybe I shoudln't have drawn that pentagram before I started reading...

*Cut to Lux Lexor tied to a chair in an interrogation room*

Lux Lexor: Huh? What? Where am I?

Twilight Sparkle: Good evening, criminal. You have been forcefully drafted into Task Force X, better known as the Suicide Squad.

*Cut to Sho Minamimoto, The Great and Powerful Trixie, Gaz and Lux Lexor fighting covenant soldiers with machine guns*

Twilight (voiceover): Your mission; destroy Darkdeath Evilman before his armies breach the earth's core.

*Cut to Dr. Insano showing Sho a piece of paper*

Dr. Insano: Look carefully, the owls are not what they seem!

*Cut to an owl transforming into giant robot and then killing Phelous*

Phelous: OOOOOH MYYYY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD! *DEAD*

*Cut to Caius Ballad and Kotomine Kirei playing chess*

Caius: How long must we play this game, priest? Eventually, all things must come to an end...

Kotomine: Checkma†e.

Caius: ...Best two out of three?

*Cut to a shadowy throne room somewhere*

Jade Edwards: -|----- My lady, the Canadian one has took the bait. Darkdeath Evilman has been unleashed into realspace.

Prophet Gilesbie: kawaiicelent!!!! thos prepz wont' know what him them unthull its toolate. lol!

Jade Edwards: -|----- Yes... L-O-L indeed...

*Cut to Jade Edwards and Bladevash Dragonfang having a conversation somewhere in The Ways Between*

Bladevash Dragonfang: I still say we should jump her while we have the chance...

Jade E.: -|----- Paitence, Vash. Just string her a long a little longer, and soon the throne will be mine...

Bladevash Dragonfang: ...you mean "ours", right?

Jade E.: -|----- ...yes. That is exactly what I said.

Bladevash Dragonfang: But what of the boy who lived... through SBURB... who is not Jake English?

Jade E.: -|----- I would prepare yourself for battle at the earliest possible convenience. And be warned, he may look like a pushover, but he is more powerful than one might expect...

*Cut to Alfred Smith thrashing about in an amazon basin*

Alfred Smith: Oh my god I'm covered in leeches! Get em off me get em off me get em off me! STOP

And now, for the exciting conclusion.

Jake: You heard what bizzaro-discord, who in episode 26 heroically sacrificed himself to destroy moloch (who was a member of orgy xiii), said! The only way to gain the power to defeat darkdeath evilman is to read sonichu!

Pinkie Pie: We'll never forget your sacrifice, Bizzaro-Discord!

Karakt: HUZZAH.

Dave: whatever.

Jake: Hmm. I was hoping for a bit more enthusiasm. Oh well, moving on!

Karkat: AGAIN?

Jake: The first segment of the comic is episode 4 of the main plotline, an installment titled "darkness speed and lighting (with an accidental dose of cherry cola)", which details the origins of black sonichu (later known as "blake"), sonichu's doppleganger and destined rival. The story opens with giovanni, the villanous ragamuffin in charge of team rocket, expositing on his plan to clone sonichu with the aid of the equaly vile cur known as Dr. Ivo "Eggman" Robotnick.

Jake: Though given the doctor's expression, he doesn't seem all that happy about this arrangement.

Pinkie: Don't hold that face for too long, or it'll stick that way!

Dave: given how awful the art usually is that might be an improvement.

Karkat: ...YEAH, THAT LAUGH OF YOURS WILL INSPIRE TERROR ALL RIGHT.

Dave: we then join some guy in a labcoat doing all the work by himself because eggman apparently wont bother to get off his fat lazy ass and do it himself.

Jake: In direct violation of even high-school level safety protocols, bill has brought an open carbonated beverage into the laboratory.

Jake: This turns out to be his undoing, when his clumsyness causes the can to tip over and empty it's contents into the pitri dish containing the dna sample.

Karkat: AND RATHER THAN DOING WHAT AN ACTUAL SCIENTIST WOULD DO (CLEAN THE SAMPLE, OR BETTER YET ACQUIRE A NEW SAMPLE. I MEAN SERIOUSLY HOW HARD WAS IT TO GET SOME OF SONICHU'S FUR ANYHOW?), BILL DECIDES TO USE THE CONTAMINATED SAMPLE ANYWAY.

KARKAT: SO YEAH, BLACK SONICHU GETS CLONED AND SHIT. WHOOP DE FUCKING DO.

Dave: and get a load of these typos.

Pinkie: Please, cloning sequence! I'm beging [sic] you!

Karkat: AND WHO KNEW THAT BRAINWASHING WAS AS SIMPLE AS LOCKING SOMEONE IN A FEATURELESS WHITE VOID WITH AN INTERCOM?

Jake: Of course, as to the reason why black sonichu can understand and think in english already, we'll put that down to mastery of the language being an innate feature of the sonichu species (as later characters will demonstrate).

Jake: To give credit where credit is due, this statement does help to place the chronology of the sonichu series as being after the events of sonic adventure 2, the game that introduced shadow the hedgehog  sonic's rival and the character used as a visual reference when creating black sonichu. And while it does seem kinda stupid that eggman just releases him like that, lets face it; about half the games in the series are about eggman creating, releasing, or trying to control some sort of incredibly powerful thing, usually with disastrous results.

Karkat: THANK YOU CAPTAIN OBVIOUS.

Dave: i see youre a master of clever names too.

Karkat: WELL HE DIDN'T DO A MUCH BETTER JOB NAMING HIMSELF.

Jake: So after the christening of black soni- er, i mean "blachu", the doctor hands him some gear and giovanni explains the mission he is about to undertake.

Karkat: ...EXCEPT THAT WE SKIP OVER THE INFODUMP ENTIRELY. WHICH WOULD NORMALLY BE A RELIEF...

Karkat: ...EXCEPT WE LAUNCH INTO AN ACTUAL INFODUMP. AN INFO DUMP ABOUT CHERRY COLA OF ALL THINGS. THIS REALLY HAS TO BE SEEN TO BELIEVED.

Pinkie Pie: And now, it's time for america's favorite game; GUESS! THE! CANON! Today we have David Strider from New York, New York and Caliborn from Your Mom, Ohio, competing for a faaaaabulous prize! A limited-edition season 1 DVD set of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic! ^0^

Caliborn: BRING ON THE "CHALLENGE", YOu PATHETICALLY PuNY PASTEL PRANCING PONY! I WILL TAKE ON ALL WHO OPPOSE ME!

Dave: uhhhh. yeah ill pass.

Pinkie: Allright then! Let's see the question:

Pinkie: And now it's time for you to... GUESS! THE! CANON!

Dave: something lazy and contrived i bet.

Caliborn: THE ANSWERS TO THESE QuESTIONS ARE: 1. NO BECAuSE THAT'S STuPID AND SONICHU IS THE ONLY GENE DONOR AND 2. THE AUTHOR WAS A LAZY ASS WHO WANTED A SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG RIPOFF BUT DIDN'T WANT TO PuT ANY THOUGHT INTO IT SO HE WAS ALL LIKE "FUCK IT. IM MAKING HIM AN EVIL CLONE".

Pinkie Pie: Now let's see what the canon answers are...

Pinkie: ...aaaand you're both correct for the first question! But will you fare any better on the second one?

Pinkie: Ooooh, too bad, Cal. While your answer is probably true, it is not canon.

Karkat: ALSO, WHY WOULD CHERRY COLA CAUSE THE DNA TO MUTATE ANYWAY? I MEAN I GUESS IT COULD GET AWAY WITH IT IF THIS REALLY WAS A PARODY, BUT HERE THEY SEEM TO BE TREATING THE WHOLE THING SO DAMN SERIOUSLY, LIKE IT WAS AN IMPORTANT PLOT ELEMENT. *COLA! DOESN'T! WORK THAT WAY!*

Troll Phelous D1 Alter: Mwa ha ha! Guess what? Someone spilled cherry cola on me while I was regenerating, mutating me into a pallet swap of myself, complete with the powers of darkness! Despair  mortals! For I will user in a new age of-

Jake: *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG*

Troll Phelous D1 Alter: Damn it! Why can't I ever mutate into something bulletproof? *DEAD*

Jake: Who the bloody hell was that?

Dave: i have no idea. probably one of als friends.

Jake:  Goodness! I hope he's okay!

Zombie Troll Phelous D1 Alter: Good thing you shot me to death on this ancient Indian burial ground! Now I have risen from my grave, in order to inflict revenge upon-

Jake: *BANG*

Zombie Troll Phelous D1 Alter: ...pills here! *DEAD*

Dave: yeah. something tells me hell be allright.

Karkat: AFTER THAT NONSENSE, GIOVANNI AND EGGMAN TALK ABOUT HOW THEY'RE GOING TO KIDNAP ROSECHU OR SOMETHING.

Karkat: AND APPARENTLY HE'S SO PHENOMINALLY STUPID THAT HE SOMEHOW MANAGE TO DECAPITATE HIMSELF WITH A PIECE OF PAPER.

Pinkie: Insane theory number 101: Dr. Robonick sabotaged the Sonichu cloning project so he can kill Giovanni and take control of Team Rocket. ^-^

Karkat: OH WAIT NO HE'S BACK NOW. THAT MUST HAVE BEEN JUST THE TERRIBLE ART STYLE COMBINED WITH MY OWN HATRED OF THIS COMIC DRIVING ME TO HOPE THAT SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENS TO EVERYONE INVOLVED. SILLY ME. 

ALSO, WHY DO YOU NEED TO CAPTURE THE ORIGINAL SONICHU WHEN YOU CAN CLONE THEM? CAN'T YOU JUST STRAP THE CLONE INTO THE POWER DRAINER DEVICE? OR WHY DON'T YOU JUST CLONE A WHOLE ARMY OF SONICHUS FOR GOGS SAKE?

Dave: and then theres a training montage. i think. look i dont really know what to say here. the art is so shitty that i cant really comment on it other than saying that it sucks.

Jake: After the one-page training montage, we get to view the results of the test... though i ask how they managed to determine blachu's defense and special defense given that none of the tests covered such things.

Karkat: AND OH GOD IS THE ART HERE TERRIBLE. I MEAN BEING OUT OF PROPORTION IS PAR FOR THE COURSE HERE, BUT LOOK AT IT! THEY'RE LITERALLY RECOLORS OF EACH OTHER, AND YET NOT A SINGLE THING BETWEEN THEM SHARES THE SAME PROPORTIONS. YOU DELIBERATELY MADE CHARACTERS THAT CHARACTERS THAT WERE SIMILAR TO EACH OTHER SO YOU COULD DRAW THEM EASIER, AND YOU STILL FAILED AT IT!

Jake: And so the episode ends with Giovanni announcing that Blachu is about to be sent on a mission to capture Sonichu!

Dave: you know that pose looks kinda familiar...

Karkat: AND THERE'S AN ADVERTISEMENT. IN FACT, IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN, IT'S ONE OF THE EXACT SAME ADVERTISEMENTS FROM ISSUE 0. ...YOU DO REALIZE THESE GAMES DON'T EXIST, RIGHT?

Pinkie: Insane theory number 102. Chris obsession with Sonichu come from residual memories of an alternate universe that was erased by the time cops for being so incredibly stupid that the world exploded. ^-^

Dave: well you know what they say. tell a lie enough and the truth will put its boots on. or something.

Jake: From here we move to episode five, titled "informational m3eting", which opens up on a splash page featuring the map of the area surrounding cwcville. Assuming this map is accurate, that means that station square is located in kanto, the region where Pokemon Red and blue take place.

Karkat: HOWEVER, THIS DOES CONFLICT WITH THE FACT THAT SONIC ADVENTURES IS IMPLIED TO CANON WITHIN THE SONICHU UNIVERSE, BUT THERE HAVE NEVER BEEN ANY POKEMON IN ANY OF THE SONIC GAMES. WE COULD CHALK THIS UP TO BEING AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE, BUT THAT JUST RAISES MORE QUESTIONS. FOR INSTANCE; IS SONIC THE HEDGEHOG A POKEMON? IF SO, WHY CAN HE AND HIS FRIENDS TALK?  IF NOT, WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN POKEMON AND "NORMAL" BIPEDAL TALKING ANIMALS?

Jake: And the problem is that while these are all very interesting questions, chris doesn't seem to realize the potential of exploring the answers. But we'll get to that later.

Dave: also the art sucks. but you knew that already. are those blobs supposed to be trees or something? and is the road from kels house supposed to curve up into the air like that?

Dave: oh. and this. is this blocky strip mall supposed to be cwcville?? it looks more like that city in china that they walled off because it got taken over by the mafia.

Jake: While that might a somewhat apt comparison, as later chapters show this is just a rough abstraction of what the city looks like. Or perhaps it's supposed to be the city's most iconic landmark, the cwcville mall, which also doubles as where the mayor's office is located.

Karkat: WHY IS THE MAYOR'S OFFICE INSIDE A MALL?

Jake: The cwciki says he got the idea from tom goes to the mayor.

Karkat: ...ISN'T THE MAYOR ON THAT SHOW SUPPOSED TO BE AN IDIOT?

Jake: Yeaaaah... and this isn't the last time he'll make a blunder like that. see, like many autistic children (emphasis on "children", because many autistics grow out of this or at least learn to cope), chris has a hard time picking up on the subtleties of a work. For instance, he once made several complaints on the adult swim forums about a robot chicken sketch that potrayed the autobots greatly out of character. this, despite the fact that robot chicken makes no secret of being a parody. Thus we can conclude that chris sees "parody" as "using someone else's creations but also adding humor". This is at odds with the dictionary definition of parody being "any humorous, satirical, or burlesque imitation, as of a person, event, etc.", which says that parody isn't simply using an element from another work for humor, but using something about that element for humor. For instance: if you took a romantic comedy and replaced the main characters and setting with such elements from the harry potter series, but only changed the bare minimum of dialogue necessary to reflect the changes, that would not necessarily be parody. However, if you made a more extreme change (i.e. making the main couple a completely ridiculous paring, such as dumbledore and mr norris), or you invoked the conventions of the original series to demonstrate how they would clash with the new setting (for instance, Voldemort expressing disgust that he (normally an antagonist) has nothing to do in a romantic comedy), the resulting story would be a parody of both harry potter and rom coms in general. Furthermore, i forgot the point i was making.

Jake: Er, anywho; after the splash page naitsirhc explains his evil plan to kidnap rosechu and use her as bait for her boyfriend.

Jake: Meanwhile, our heroes are napping in a field of zapbuds, which seem to mysteriously disappear in a closeup shot.

Karkat: THEN, ROSECHU EITHER DEMONSTRATES HER SHAPE-CHAINING POWERS, OR CHRIS SIMPLY FAILS AT DRAWING EVEN HARDER THAN USUAL.

Pinkie: Insane theory number 103. Rosechu is actually a ditto cosplayer! ^-^

Jake: So sonichu goes off on his merry way, dashing through the forest, unware that blachu is waiting for him in ambush. And wouldn't you know it? Sonic the Hedgehog is also heading that direction!

Dave: apparently chris felt the need to give us a radar view. because why bother with establishing shots or build up when we can know where everyone is at all times.

Pinkie: IT'S THE FINALLL COUNT-DOWN! ^0^
DA DA DAAAAAAAA-DAA! DA DA DA-DA DAA!
DA DA DAAAAAAAA-DAA! DA DA DA-DA DA-DA
DAAAAA, DA DA DAAA, DA-DA DA DA DA DA
DAAAAAAAA, DAAAAAAAAAA, DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Jake: Of course, rather than playing europe's hit rock single...

Dave: ...wait a second. the final countdown is rock music??

Jake: Apparently. But as i was saying; instead blachu decides to burst from his hiding spot and kidnap rosechu.

Karkat: ...AND LIKE A COUPLE OF IDIOTS, SONIC AND MISTER SPARKLE JUST END UP CRASHING INTO EACH OTHER. OUR HEROES, EVERYBODY!

Karkat: ALSO, I'VE JUST NOTICED THIS BUT THERE DON'T SEEM TO BE ANY TREES IN THIS FOREST; ONLY SOLID WALLS OF WOOD.

Jake: And as the two intrepid hedgehogs gather their bearings, the dastardly fiend gets away with the gel in tow!

Karkat: MADE LIKE A... CAT? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! WERE YOU LICKING YOUR OWN EYEBALLS? BECAUSE IF SO I HAVE TWO THINGS TO SAY. NUMBER ONE: EW. NUMBER TWO: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT?! ARE YOU PART ANTEATER TOO?!

  

Jake: After a quick argument, the pair quickly realize they have a shared connection...

Karkat: AND OH MY GOD THESE ARE THE WORST NUMBERED PANELS I'VE EVER SEEN. EXCEPT IT'S NOT EVEN A SERIES OF PANELS; IT'S JUST ONE PANEL SPLIT DOWN THE MIDDLE, CONTAINING AN ENTIRE CONVERSATION! I MEAN... WOW. DID CHRIS REALLY THINK THIS WOULD LOOK NICE? AND YEAH, HOMESTUCK DOES SOMETHING SIMILAR WITH IT'S CHATLOGS AND DIALOGLOGS, BUT IT DOESN'T USE THEM AS AN EXCUSE TO NOT DRAW ART. ALSO, HOMESTUCK'S CHAT FORMAT IS ACTUALLY READABLE, AS IT'S

CHAT ENTRIES ARE PRESENTED IN SEQUENTIAL ORDER, AND ARE WRITTEN IN DIFFERENT COLORS FOR DIFFERENT CHARACTERS. THIS, HOWEVER, LITERALLY REQUIRES YOU TO USE THE NUMBERING SYSTEM. SERIOUSLY. MOST PEOPLE HAVE TO TRY TO SUCK THIS MUCH AT SEQUENTIAL ART. HOW IS IT THAT CHRIS  CAN SCREW UP THIS BADLY ON SUCH A CONSISTENT BASIS?

Dave: and then we dip into psa territory. yeah its kinda nice of chris to do that. or at least it would be if literally everything else about chris didn't reinforce every negative stereotype about the autistic spectrum ever. and yes. i really do mean "literally". as in there is not a single facet of chris life personality or hobbies that is not so fantastically embarrassing that even sheldon cooper would be ashamed of it. really by putting that logo there hes just making things worse.

Karkat: OH GOODIE, MORE ADS. THIS TIME IT'S FOR THE POKEMON TRADING CARD GAME. NOT SURPRISINGLY CHRIS HIMSELF IS FEATURED ON ONE OF THEM, THOUGH IT'S STRANGE HOW HE'S APPARENTLY CLASSIFIED AS A POKEMON.

Jake: Now we move onto episode 6: "black metal combat".

Karkat: HOW FAR ARE WE AGAIN?!

Jake: Page 22 out of 46.

Karkat: BLARG.

Dave: and theres no background no attention given to perspective and it kinda weird how theyre always facing the camera when theyre supposed to be talking to each other.

Jake: While waiting for sonichu to arrive, dr. robotnick explains his plan to naitsirhc... and then breaks into a song and dance number.

Dave: well i admit its a change of pace from the other expodumps. its a pity the song sucks.

Pinkie: Yeah, I mean look at it! v_v

Pinkie: There is no scheme, no scansion, not even a hint of a tune! And the rymes! Don't even get me started on the rhymes!  He tries to rhyme "Robotnick" with "Robotnick", and "Robot" with "Robot"! I mean, "Mean" and "Machine" is okay, but he pulled that from the game Dr. Robotnick's Mean Bean Machine! And "Robot" with "Robotization" doesn't even come close to rhyming! v_v

Pinkie: In fact, the only reason we know he's singing is because of hte musical notes, and the fact that he's dancing! Even the author finds this stupid! v_v

Dave: man. you take your songs seriously.

Pinkie: Don't even get me started on Nickleback!

Jake: Eventually, the pair make it to the veridian city gym, but sonic spots the calling of his arch nemesis!

Karkat: THIS IS VERY TRUE TO LIFE. I'M ALWAYS LOSING THE LITTLE EMBLEMS WITH MY FACE ON THEM THAT I CARRY AROUND IN BACK POCKET.

Jake: But just as he is about to reunite with his sweebolt, naitsirhc and the floating heads of Giovanni and Dr. Robotnick reveal themselves!

Karkat: AND MORE PERSPECTIVE FAIL, BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH SONICHU AND BLACHU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE SAME SIZE, BLACHU TOWERS OVER SONICHU WHILE IN THE BACKGROUND. OR MAYBE HE'S IN THE FOREGROUND AND THEY AREN'T FACING EACH OTHER BECAUSE THEY HAVE REALLY BAD EYESIGHT.

Dave: then theres a fight scene that would make rob lifeld cringe that ends with sonichu standing on a big red x like a complete moron.

Dave: and what a shock no pun intended. to noones suprise the big red x turns out to be

and sonichu gets captured.

Dave: but of course sonic shows up to save the day because hes not a complete mororn.

Dave: 

Jake: Backed into a corner with seemingly no way out, dr. robotnick has no choice but to unleash the awesome might of... metal sonichu!

Karkat: OKAY FIRST OF ALL, IF YOU CAN BUILD A ROBOTIC SONICHU, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU WANT THE REAL ONE? DID YOU THINK HE'D BE SOME KIND OF ULTIMATE WARRIOR THAT YOU COULD BRAINWASH OR SOMETHING? I MEAN YEAH YOU'VE GOT THAT SHTICK WHERE YOU TURN ANIMALS INTO ROBOTS, BUT A. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT BRAINWASHING NEVER STICKS, AND B. THAT'S MORE OF A PLOT POINT IN THE COMICS THAN IN THE GAMES. PLUS YOU'VE BEEN PHASING THAT OUT EVER SINCE SONIC HEROES. AND SPEAKING OF SONIC HEROES, REMEMBER THE TIME THAT METAL SONIC BETRAYED YOU, STOLE YOUR IDENTITY, AND LOCKED YOU IN A STORAGE ROOM SOMEWHERE? AND LET'S NOT FORGET THAT THIS WASN'T EVEN THE FIRST TIME YOU TRIED BUILDING AN EVIL ROBOT DUPLICATE OF SOMEONE. LET'S JUST SAY THAT YOUR SUCCESS RATE LEAVES MUCH TO BE DESIRED.

Dave: also pointing out how stupid something is doesnt automatically make it funny. unless im doing in in which case its hilarious.

Jake: Aaaand they fight. Chris puts a little effort into conveying a sense of movement (what with the speed lines and all), bit it doesn't really help things.

Karkat: ...OH GREAT, NOW THIS IS A DIGIMON CROSSOVER TOO.

Dave: not surprisingly once sonichu is out they beat the robot in one hit.

Dave: in fact they beat him so hard that he somehow ends up on the moon. because as this series of panels that we need to follow arrows to read shows us mountains are perfect ramps and a pair of hedgehogs combined have enough power to send into orbit.

Pinkie: Hmm, these panels seem to be out of order. I can fix that!

Pinkie: Much better! And I improved the writing while I'm at it!

Jake: But pinkie, now I can't read what the comic says.

Dave: ....

Karkat: AND WITH METAL SONCHU DEFEATED, SONIC, ROSECHU, AND SONICHU GO HOME AND LET THE WANTED CRIMINALS WHO REGULARLY THREATEN THEIR FRIENDS AND LOVED ONES OFF WITH A SLAP ON THE WRIST. THE END.

Pinkie: ...Or is it?! 

Karkat: YES. YES IT IS. METAL SONICHU IS NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN IN ANY FORM.

Jake: Actually, prior to abandoning the comic chris has expressed an interest in bringing back metal sonichu, stating that he would return to antagonize the citizens of cwcville in issue number eleven or twelve. Of course i seriously doubt a villain who was taken out in one hit would be much of a threat. Perhaps he would have formed a duumvirate with another one of the series' quickly dispatched foes? I do say this at least bares speculation.

Jake: Immediately following this story is the epilogue, which is meant to be a character piece featuring rosechu and her canon counterpart, amy rose.

Jake: Over two pages, the comic attempts to compare...

Jake: ...contrast...

Jake: ...and poke fun at their personality traits.

Karkat: HOWEVER, ALL THIS ENDS UP DOING IS REVEALING TO THE AUDIENCE HOW DERIVATIVE AND UNINSPIRED THE CHARACTER OF ROSECHU IS. WHILE SHE SHARES AMY'S SURFACE PERSONALITY TRAITS (LOVE OF CLOTHES AND SHOPPING, OBSESSION WITH BOYFRIENDS, ECT.) SHE ISN'T DIFFERENT ENOUGH TO BE ALL THAT DISTINCT FROM AMY. AND YES, AMY IS A HUGE STEREOTYPE, BUT AFTER HER FIRST APPEARANCE SHE'S GOTTEN A SURPRISING AMOUNT OF CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. THOUGH SHE WAS AN ARCHTYPICAL DAMSEL IN DISTRESS IN SONIC CD, IN SONIC ADVENTURE SHE SPENT THE GAME PROTECTING A DEFENSELESS BIRD CARRYING A CHAOS EMERALD FROM AN ANNOYINGLY PERSISTENT ROBOT, AND EVEN RESCUED HERSELF FROM DR. EGGMAN'S CLUTCHES WHEN CAPTURED. LATER ON SHE'S HELPED SONIC GET OUT OF PRISON IN SONIC ADVENTURE 2 (EVEN THOUGH MOST OF THAT HAPPENED OFFSCREEN), HELPED SAVE THE WORLD MULTIPLE TIMES IN THE SONIC ADVANCE GAMES, TURNED CREAM THE RABBIT AND BIGS THE CAT, THE BIGGEST PUSHOVERS IN THE FRANCHISE, INTO SOMETHING RESEMBLING A COMPETENT TEAM IN SONIC HEROES, AND FOUGHT IMPERATOR IX ALONGSIDE SONIC IN SONIC CHRONICLES: THE DARK BROTHERHOOD. IN ADDITION, SHE DID A GOOD JOB OF BEING EMERL THE ROBOT'S SURROGATE MOTHER IN SONIC BATTLE, AND IN SONIC CHRONICLES SHE'S EVEN SAID TO HAVE STARTED A CLUB TO TEACH GIRLS HOW TO DEFEND THEMSELVES FROM BULLIES. AND FOR ALL SONIC'S COMPLAINTS, HE DOES SEEM TO GENUINELY LOVE HER, OR AT LEAST CARE ABOUT HER AS A CLOSE FRIEND. AND AGAIN, THAT'S JUST THE GAMES CONTINUITY. AND WHILE I DON'T FOLLOW THE COMICS NOR HAVE I SEEN THE TV SHOW BASED ON THE COMICS (OR WAS THAT THE OTHER WAY AROUND? FUCK IF I KNOW), BUT FROM WHAT I'VE HEARD SHE'S PRETTY SIMILAR, EXCEPT THAT AROUND THE TIME SONIC ADVENTURE CAME OUT SHE USED A WISH TO BECOME OLD ENOUGH TO JOIN THE "FREEDOM FIGHTERS", A GROUP OF VIGILANTES WHO FIGHT TO PROTECT AND REBUILD THE POST APOCOLYPTIC WORLD OF MOBIUS (YEAH, THE COMICS ARE WEIRD. WHAT ELSE IS NEW?). 

 

Karkat: IN SHORT; WHILE AMY IS A LOVESICK TEENAGE GIRL, SHE'S ALSO A WARRIOR AND HAS THE HEART OF A MOTHER. ROSECHU HOWEVER, IS NONE OF THESE THINGS. HER ENTIRE CHARACTER CONSISTS OF BEING IN LOVE WITH SONICHU, DOING GENERIC GIRL THINGS, GETTING KIDNAPPED SO PEOPLE CAN RESCUE HER, AND DENYING STUPID INTERNET RUMORS ABOUT HER HAVING A PENIS (DON'T ASK).

Dave: i dont think i should be surprised at this point that your a sonic fan.

Karkat: ...LOOK, THERE'S NOTHING TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT. THE SERIES IS JUST IN A SLUMP, OKAY? I'M SURE HE'S GOING TO GET BACK ON HIS FEET ANY DAY NOW.

Dave: if you say so.

Karkat: OH YES, AND I ALMOST FORGOT. THERE'S A NUMBERED CONVERSATION PAGE. GOG I HATE THOSE THINGS.

Pinkie: Also...

Karkat: HA. HA. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Dave: and theres another comic. this time for an imaginary boy band. because when i think sonichu i think of untapped musical talent.

Karkat: GEE, I WONDER IF THEY'RE ANY GOOD?

Dave: well that answers that question.

Edrobot: (And before you ask, yes that childish voice in the background was actually Chris singing over a fully voiced recording of "Sonic Drive". Note that he was 24 when he recorded that without the slightest hint of irony. At least when I did that I went into it knowing how bad my singing was...)

Jake: The final installment of issue on is sub-episode number two, "the rise & fall of my heart".

Jake: If you recall, the last issue ended with chris sending an email to his first in a long line of fake girlfriends that turn out to be internet trolls.

Jake: We now join our... protagonist as he reflects on his struggles over a serving of fast food.

Karkat: IT'S A PUN BECAUSE HE WANTS TO HAVE SEX. *GEDDIT?*

Jake: A helpful caption informs us that chris' shattered heart has been 20% repaired... though since this isn't actually his physical heart i'm actually kinda wondering where he got those numbers from.

Jake: ...when suddenly he is approached by a girl beautiful beyond his dreams!

Karkat: WHICH, GIVEN HIS APPERANCE AND PERSONALITY, WOULD BE ANY GIRL AT ALL.

Dave: also note at how her body parts are drawn in proportion to how attracted chris is to them.

Jake: Jubilant at having seemingly accomplished his lifelong goal, chris praises the heavens, and his heart meter fills to 100 percent!

Karkat: FOR THE RECORD, THIS IS WHAT THE PAGE  LOOKED LIKE IN THE ORIGINAL VERSION. ARE YOU SURE THIS GUY IS A HOMOPHOBE?

Dave: trust me on this one. in fact his advice to "stay straight" is to stare at a sailor moon poster for an hour every day to "purge homosexual thoughts".

Jake: That is... excessively creepy.

Dave: and thats just the tip of the iceberg dude. there are things hes done that are just too nasty for even me to say. and hes made videos that he's put on the internet so you cant say it was image board bullshit.  

Karkat: ...MOVING ON.

 

Dave: so then theres some small talk and then rosechu learns that chris girlfriend is just a troll and then chris does the big no thing again. what a gripping read. and heres the highlight reel.

Jake: Correction; the name is actually "chuck palahniuk", and he is the writer of the fight club novel, not the director of the fight club movie. I would say more but karkat used up the time i had reserved for my own monologue to talk about amy rose.

Karkat: HEY!

Karkat: ...HOW MANY MORE TIMES DO WE NEED TO SAY IT? SHOW, DON'T TELL GODDAMNIT! IT'S GOTTEN TO THE POINT THAT IT'S BECOME LESS A RUNNING GAG AND MORE OF A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT!

Jake: Well let's see... theres abbadon, adriel, ambriel, amesha spenta, arariel, ahriman, ariel,  azazel, azrael (different guy), abymael, barachiel, bene elohim, cassiel, chamuel, dumah, eremiel, gabriel, gadreel, gagiel, grigori, hadraniel, haniel, harut  hesediel, hamalat al-arsh, israfil, jegudiel, jehoel, jequn, jerahmeel, jophiel, juan, kasdeja, kiraman katibin, kushiel, kosmiel, leliel, lucifer, maalik, malik, marut, metatron, michael, mikhail, moroni, munkar, mu’aqqibat, muriel, nakir, nuriel, ophan, orifiel, pahaliah, paul, penemue, powers, principalities, puriel, peter, qaphsiel, raguel, raphael, raqib, raziel, remiel, ridwan, sachiel, samael, sandalphon, sariel, selaphiel, seraphiel, simiel, shamsiel, tennin, thrones, tzaphqiel, temeluchus, uriel, uzziel, virtues, wormwood, yehudiel, zabaniyah, zachariel, zadkiel, zephon, and zophiel. Wait, hold on, was that supposed to be a serious question, or just a lame attempt at a pick-up line?

Karkat: I THOUGHT YOU SAID WE WERE IN A HURRY.

Dave: and last but almost certainly least.

Pinkie: You know it's rare to see an author review his own work like that! ^_^

Karkat: AND THEN LIKE THE DESPERATE SAP HE IS, HE SENDS AN EMAIL TO BANNANA RAMA DING-DONG OR WHATEVER ASKING IF HE CAN BE HER BOYFRIEND ANYWAY. OH, AND THEN THERE'S ANOTHER ADVETISEMENT. THERE, WE'RE DONE. CAN WE GO NOW?

Jake: Not yet, first we need to talk about our feelings.

Karkat: OKAY, I FEEL THIS COMIC SUCKS. YOU'RE UP, DAVE.

Dave: yeah its still dumb but at least its a bit more focused now. next.

Pinkie: It's funny, but it's still the wrong kind; the kind where we're laughing at the comic, not laughing with it. There's about one genuinely funny moment in this comic, and even then it's more of a chuckle than a gafaw. -_-

Jake: I concur. Though the art and storytelling have improved somewhat, it's not doing a good job as a parody or as a derivative work faithful to the source material. But enough about that, now that we've charged Bizarro-Discord's Akashia Engine, we have to finish the Pan-dimensional Destabilizer to destroy Darkdeath Evilman once and for all!

Phelous: Nope!

Karkat: WHADDA MEAN, "NOPE"?!

Phelous: Once I got killed by the robo-owl, I died on my quest bed and ascended to god-tier as the Waste of Time. Then I used my super magical god tier deus ex machina powers to trap Darkdeath Evilman in a time loop forever!

Darkdeath Evilman: *Click Click Click Click Click* God damn it I got killed by Morphling again! He is so totally OP!

Phelous: ...or maybe I just got him addicted to DOTA 2. That counts as defeating him, right?

Dave: eh. close enough.

Jake: How are you even communicating with us anyway?

Phelous: Oh, I just have a 24/7 video feed of every internet reviewer in the world. Don't most people?

Jake: ...I'm pretty sure that's illegal.

Phelous: Oh well there's a funny story about that, you see... YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE! *jumps out window*

Dave: so i guess this makes him a supporting character now.

Karkat: LOOKS LIKE IT.

===============

Alfred Smith: Oh god... I feel so weak...

Lant Kreck: Yeah, loosing thirty percent of your blood will do that. Luckily I've gotten rid of the leeches, and It's not too serious. Just take it easy for a couple days and you'll be fine.

Alfred: Ugh, here I am, dragging everyone down again... and since when were you so good at first aid?

Lant: I've had a lot of practice. It's not like they really had hospitals on Alternia what with the whole "survival of the fittest" thing they had going, so had to learn to treat wounds; both my own and others'.

Alfred: ...Lant, trolls are humanoid insects that have larval forms and you're some kind of cyborg alien that was probably born in a vat or something. There ought to be radical differences when it comes to our biologies. STOP

Lant: Well it's lucky thing thing that the important stuff is the all the same. Besides, it's either me or Electra and I don't think she'd be willing to nurse you back to heath.

Electra: ...is my lackey dead yet?

Lant: Nope, not yet.

Alfred: Yeah. I see what you mean... STOP

Lant: What do you see in that girl, anyway?

Alfred: Well... do you remember the time we first met?

Lant: How could I not? Luxor was going through some phase where he kept copying things he saw in movies. I just wish he didn't pick "V for Vendetta" as his first choice; the flight over was such a hassle. Do you know how many times I had to go through that metal detector?

Alfred: Yeah, but at least he waited until Guy Fawks Day. And to think Electra picked the same day to try to blow up Big Ben.

Lant: Why was she doing that, anyway?

Alfred: She was trying to destroy the Clock Tower, one of the three branches of the Mages Association. Of course she got her wires crossed and assumed that the name "Clock Tower" referred to Big Ben, when in actuality the group is located under the British museum.

Lant: That still doesn't answer my question.

Electra: I did it because they're a bunch of stuck-up, hypocritical, elitist bastards who care more about petty squabbles over titles and linage than the advancement of magecraft itself, or even more tellingly the use of magecraft for anything other than pointless research projects that don't seem to go anywhere!

Lant: And of course you are such a humble and down to earth person.

Electra: Don't be ridiculous! I just despise competition, that's all.

Alfred: Guys, please stop fighting. We're supposed to be a team here, and my head hurts...

Lant: I just don't see why we need to have you around! All you do is call us names and tell us how amazing you and your father are! We went halfway around the world to rescue you only to discover that you had betrayed us for a pretty face, and you didn't even apologize when you came back!

Electra: Hold your tongue, cur! That attitude is no way to address a member of royalty.

Lant: Royalty? Do you want to know what I think of royalty? I've lost count of all the purple-blooded aristocrats that tried to kill me even after I saved their lives. And last time I checked, this isn't Camelot, Uruk, or even Fuyuki City! 

Alfred: Guys...

Lant: And why the hell are you so interested in Magecraft anyway? This is the first time you've mentioned it, hell, this is the first time I've even heard of such a thing!

Electra: Well a girl must have her secrets...

Lant: Secrets?! What secrets?! You've been brutally honest about about every little thing that crossed your mind thus far, and I'm only putting up with it because you're too incompetent to do anything genuinely villainous!

Electra: Incompetent!? How am I incompetent?

Alfred: Guys... I don't feel so-

Lant: Hmm, let's see; well for starters you failed to do any lasting harm when you betrayed us, you got yourself locked up in a cell for being a jerk back at the village, you got the wrong building and you broke the detonator when trying to destroy the clock tower... 

Electra: I killed Troll Phelous D1, didn't I?

Lant: He was a joke character and we outnumbered him four to one. It wasn't really anything to be proud of. 

Electra: Well you should be honored that I allow you to be in my presence!

Lant: Let me make one thing clear. I would rather have Stilt-Man on my team. STILT-MAN! I would rather trust a d-list super-villan who struts around on a pair of telescopic legs than spend one more minute with you.

Alfred: *faints*

Lant: Uh oh.

Electra: What? What happened?

Lant: Looks like he lost more blood than I thought. 

Electra:...is he going to make it?

Lant: Yeah, but we're going to need to camp here for the night.

Electra: You mean... out here, in the jungle?

Lant: Yep. And unless you want to sleep in the rain we'd better start setting up a shelter.

Electra: Uh... I'm not really all that good with my hands...

Lant: Leave the construction to me, you just need to gather up some wood, leaves, and maybe a few big sticks.

Electra: ...right.

DETECTIVE