Edrobot: What?! What do you mean you're not going to kill off Troll Phelous Something Something D1?!
The Devil: IT'S LIKE THE KIDS SAID. NOBODY CARES ABOUT HIM, SO HIS DEATH WOULD BE COMPLETELY MEANINGLESS.
Edrobot: Nooo! How else am I going to show that the stakes are now higher than ever?!
The Devil: YOU COULD ALWAYS HAVE ME KILL AN ACTUALLY POPULAR CHARACTER.
Edrobot: I guess I could do that and bring him back as a cyborg in the next season...
The Devil: YEAH ABOUT THAT. MY CONTRACT SAYS THAT IF I GET TO KILL SOMEONE, THAT PERSON HAS TO STAY DEAD FOREVER.
Edrobot: Oh. Well what about-
The Devil: NO YOU CAN'T INTRODUCE A CLONE.
Edrobot: Then how about-
The Devil: NO TWIN SIBLINGS.
Edrobot: But what if we-
The Devil: OR CHANGELING DOPPELGANGERS.
Edrobot: Well fuck.
The Devil: SO, WHAT'S IT GONNA BE THEN, BOSS?
Edrobot: *sigh* all right, here's what you're going to do.
======Later, in a volcano.======
Dirk: Man, I hate being in a volcano.
Jade Harley: me too.
Dirk: Hey you know what would suck?
Jade: no, what?
Dirk: If The Devil suddenly appeared and then threatened to kill one of us.
Jade: yeah, that would probably suck. :(
*POOF!*
The Devil: MWA HA HA HA! I, THE DEVIL, AM NOW GOING TO KILL ONE OF YOU!
Jade: Oh nooooooo how totally unexpected!
Dirk: If only we could have possibly seen this- okay you know what this script is bullshit. *throws away script*
Jade: dirk!
Dirk: Well, it is! I mean come on, killing off characters is good for a rating stunt, but it's only going to hurt the show in the long run if its handled this clumsily.
The Devil: WELL JUST FOR THAT I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU READ CHAPTERS SIX AND SEVEN OF DAVE STDIDER POKEMON TRANER.
Dirk: How is that a punishment? Especially when you're just going to kill one of us at the end anyway. In fact I could just hold things up forever by not reading the fic. Hell, how can we be reading Homestuck fanfiction in the first place? Even if reality is falling apart or whatever it still makes no fucking sense.
The Devil: WELL NONE OF US ARE LEAVING THIS ROOM UNTIL YOU READ THE FIC.
Dirk: Fine. Do your worst.
====SEVERAL HOURS LATER====
The Devil: FEEL LIKE READING IT YET?
Dirk: Nope.
Jade: it is kinda hot in here though.
The Devil: I'VE GOT LEMONADE IN THE FRIDGE IF YOU WANT SOME.
Dirk: Nice try, but we're too smart to let you poison us. And I'm not worried about the heat, I've got at least a dozen sodas captchalogued just in case something like this happened. So there.
====SEVERAL HOURS LATER====
The Devil: SO I BET YOU REGRET NOT CAPTCHALOGUEING A BATHROOM RIGHT ABOUT NOW.
Dirk: Well son of a bitch.
Jade: we really shouldnt have drank that all in one go. :(
The Devil: SCORE ONE FOR THE FORCES OF EVIL!
Dirk: Fine, we'll read the shitty fic. Whatever.
dvea and terezi were climing the tower stars when dave looked behind him and asked :"hey wher is wil torner?"
Dirk: Oh, now you notice?
i do not know terecko sed
Jade: apparently fanfic dave found a talking treeko between chapters!! he probably didnt like it though because its never seen again. :(
Dirk: Either that or that was just him failing to spell 'terezi'.
Dirk: Either that or that was just him failing to spell 'terezi'.
maybe we shud look for him?
Dirk: Nope. Let's leave him to the zombie goasts.
so they wnet down the stair and backj to the bottum floor and looked for will.
teredi wuz lookig on the slor wit her magnifing glass (witch she has becuz she is a detectve in this sotry universe).
Jade: which admittedly isnt that far from canon.
Dirk: At least compared to the rest of the fic.
she noticed the otline of a tarpdoor on the FLOOR
Dirk: I never REALLY saw the POINT of emphasizing words RANDOMLY.
and she wuz like dave i know wher wil wnet he msut of felled down here into the trapdoor she sed while not icing the trapdoorp.
Jade: its a good thing she didnt ice that trapdoor. think of how slippery it could have gotten! :(
menwile will wuz still tied to da choir
Jade: they musta had a lot of rope to tie a whole choir together!
but the gosts left down a tunnul leavig will all alone.
Dirk:
Take your pick of music, if you please. Doesn't matter which, someone on the internet will probably mock you for your choice anyway.
ive got to get ot of her will sed.
Jade: so it wasnt just a choir, but a choir of cannibals?
Dirk: Stranger things have happened.
then he noticed thet he still had his sord!
wil cut the rapes
Jade: no comment. XP
and ran fort the door that the gost wnet throo. NO IT IS COKED!
Dirk: According to the dictionary, "coking" is the act of converting into or becoming coke. "Coke", meanwhile, is "the solid product resulting from the destructive distillation of coal in an oven or closed chamber or by imperfect combustion", though it can also refer to the drug Cocaine or some of the carbonated beverages made by the coca-cola company, including Coca Cola Classic, Diet Coke, Vanilla Coke, and New Coke. Do note that all of these are fucking meaningless in this context.
will sed ad he pulped on the locked dorf. judt then dave and terezi opened the trapdoor adn saw will! WILL WE MISSED YOU! dave sed
Dirk: Which is why we ignored your screaming when you first fell down the trapdoor.
i missed you guys toop will repilerd. did you see any hosts? teriyaki asked?
Jade: youre not even trying to spell her name right, are you? :'(
YES THE KIDNAPPED ME!" will screamed zdn they herd him becuz they were all in the basement so they could here it.
i think its time we CATCH THOSE GOSTS. dave yelled.
Dirk: Thus ruining their element of surprise.
so they set up a tarp usig some munny and a net over it.
Dirk: Because if it's good enough to catch "Groundoon", it's good enough for ghosts.
they were hopping to catch the gosts in it becuz gosts love monet.
Jade: apparently ghosts are into impressionism. who knew?
Dirk: Though in all seriousness, using money as bait makes a surprising amount of sense. Most people believe that ghosts are the souls of those who refuse to pass onto their final reward because they are still too attached to the material world, usually because they have some unfinished business of some sort, though a simple obsession with material goods could also act as a catalyst, especially when you take into account the assistance of "haunted treasure", such as the Aztec coins in Pirates of the Caribbean, or the real-life Hope Diamond.
...
Damn it, now you've got me trying to justify this piece of shit.
the gosts came back and one gost said "OH HEY SOME MONEY" and wnet to get the money.
the other gost sed "NO ITS A TARP"
Dirk: *sigh*
This is such a waste of my talents.
but it was too late adn they where caught. i tink its time we fnid out who these gosts rely are dave sed. he pulled of their sheet and the gosts were
Jade: *gasp!!* old man jenkins?!
TEAM BAD!
Jade: oh well close enough.
i knew it! dave sed. only jack and karlkat would be bad enough to do this!
Dirk: Or rather, only Jack and whatever-his-name-is-at-the-moment would be stupid enough to think that would actually work.
NOW WHERE IS MR FUJI? jack yelled I DONT KNOW WHO TAT IS. and him and katfak ran away.
Jade: dont bother to chase after them. its not like theyre criminals or anything. :P
dave skope. if those guys didnt take mr fuji where is he? RIGHT HERE grissom yeleled. I WAS RELY MR FUJI ALL ALONG I WANTED YOU GUYS TO GET RID OF TEAM BAD SO I SED I WAS KIDNAPPED ALSO I ONLY LOOK LIKE GRISSOK BECUZ I HAD PLASTIC SURGERY.
Jade: i can literally say that i didn't see that plot twist coming.
oh good dave sed and him and his frends lerft.
NOW THEY CAN GET TO THE VERDEMILLION! WILL THEYT GET THE NEXT BADGER?
Dirk: Interestingly, I don't believe there actually is a badger pokemon. Oh well, time for the next chapter.
dave adn his frien ds got to VERDEMILLION CITY at last but it wuz knight! they waked down teh skeet and looked 4 the gym. where is the jim? dvea asked? i dunno bro will replied its so dark i cant see shirt. dave had an idesa and he gott GROUNDOON to use FARSH adn it lit up teh street and all teh streetligts becuz GROUNDOON is a leg end and EVERYTHING lists to him. EVERYTHING.,
Dave quckly noticed a sin that sed "POKERMON GYM BATTLE OF THE BNADS"
Dirk: Apparently, in this crazy fucked-up continuinty ten year olds are expected to be able to play musical instruments in addition to having the basic survival skills necessary to survive a pokemon journey.
and wuz amazed becuz he wuz rely gud with music adn if he one he KNEW he wud get the badge.
Jade: though given how much of a mary sue story!dave is, hed probably win even if hed never played an instrument before.
"guys i thing we shud enter adn get the badge" dvea told terezi and Wlil.
Dirk: Nah. I was just thinking we'd give up and go home, hanging our heads in shame that our hopes and dreams have been thoroughly crushed.
whoo is the gym leder anyway? will asked terfi. IT IS PORPLE FISHMAN ADN HIS KINGDRA POKERMON! terzi answered.
Jade: oh great... eridan is in this story. :P
but then wat is the baffle of teh bands 4? dave sked. "It is to keep peple who are gay adn play gey music like In-Sink from getting the bedge becuz they are gay and also prepz"
Dirk: Given how most trolls are bisexual, is it even an insult to call one of them "gay"?
alrigh then i am not gey lets enter dave sed.
So dvea adn his team of dudes entererered the gym adn sinned up for teh battle of the bnads. wen they were done the lady at teh froint desk took them back in2 the gym adn they saw the other bnads. There wuz a band with Edwart adn Bella and Scoot AND SNIPER 2!
Dirk: The reason that characters from TF2 and Twilight are in a band togeather is because I have no idea.
The other bands wuz ded skeleton bowser (becuz he dyed in my laast story!1)
Jade: oh now I get it! this is apparently a sequel to hart shaped love / pained harts!
Dirk: That does not make it any better.
as a 1 man band adn finale TEAM BAD AS THER OWN BND!
Jade: Because apparently theyre not wanted or anything despite all the stabbing, kidnapping, and all-around trouble they've caused. :(
Jcak played Guttar and Kitkart played teh DRUMPS.
Dave and his band storted playing enter sandman by slipknot and tey where so gud that edward adn bella and scoot and siper all quit right awayt.
Dirk: They probably wanted to get out of this fic while they still could, to salvage whatever dignity they had left.
ded boneswer kept playting thog, and so did team bad. next dave and friends played some fall out boy and it was so gud and sexy thet bowser died agan.
Jade: thats the power of rock for you!
then jack got sick of daves crap adn he teleproted onstag adn BORKE DAVES DJ TURN THE TABLES! hahahahaha try to beet us now! Jack sed "YEH!" kitkat addeded.
Dirk: So they were disqualified for very obvious cheating, and Dave won by default.
"WE ARE THE BAST YOU ARE LOOZERS. dave realized tata he cud not let katkar and jack win so he started to rap with GROUNDOON and it wuz so grape that kitrak and jcaks inturments blowed up and they were disqulificated.
Jade: because when dave breaks someone else's instruments its all okay.
and DAVE WON!
Dirk: Woooooooo.
puple fishman came out adn eridared and cried becuz daves rap wuz so good. "boo hoo i am crying becuz tht wuz good here take this badge and get ot b4 i cry mor."
TANK YOU FISMAN dave sed as he tok the badge and hi-5ved GROUNDOON becuz GROUNDOON helped him rap good.
DAVE NOW HAS TREE BADGES! NEXT HE WILL GOT TO A NEW PLACE ADN GET ANOTHER MAYBE UNLES SOMETING BAD HAPENS HINT HINT!11!
Dirk: Okay story's done. Can we go now?
The Devil: NOT YET. I STILL NEED TO KILL A VERY IMPORTANT CHARACTER. AND THIS TIME, HE'S GOING TO DIE WHEN I KILL HIM.
Dirk: Just make it quick. I can't keep it in forever bro.
*The Devil pulls out an ebony revolver. A close-up shot shows that the revolver's barrel is engraved with the words "Cain" in cursive text.*
The Devil: HEY TROLL PHELOUS, WHO HAS TOTALLY BEEN HERE THE ENTIRE TIME?
Troll Phelous: ...?
The Devil: DO YOU KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS?
Troll Phelous: *Shakes head vigorously*
The Devil: *ka-click!* GARBAGE DAY! *bang*
*The Devil's bullet pierces Troll Phelous' skull, causing him to fall to the floor in slow motion as this song begins to play. No sound can be heard as Jade screams out for Troll Phelous. A flashback montage of Troll Phelous' role in the series begins to play. Specific attention is made to episode 26, where he and Jade learned to trust each other and work together to escape the Phantom Zone, forming a bond of friendship in the process, culminating in Troll Phelous volunteering to have his vocal cords removed so that he would never be able to express the Anti-Life Equation that was buried deep within his mind.*
Dirk: Nope. Let's leave him to the zombie goasts.
so they wnet down the stair and backj to the bottum floor and looked for will.
teredi wuz lookig on the slor wit her magnifing glass (witch she has becuz she is a detectve in this sotry universe).
Jade: which admittedly isnt that far from canon.
Dirk: At least compared to the rest of the fic.
she noticed the otline of a tarpdoor on the FLOOR
Dirk: I never REALLY saw the POINT of emphasizing words RANDOMLY.
and she wuz like dave i know wher wil wnet he msut of felled down here into the trapdoor she sed while not icing the trapdoorp.
Jade: its a good thing she didnt ice that trapdoor. think of how slippery it could have gotten! :(
menwile will wuz still tied to da choir
Jade: they musta had a lot of rope to tie a whole choir together!
but the gosts left down a tunnul leavig will all alone.
Dirk:
Take your pick of music, if you please. Doesn't matter which, someone on the internet will probably mock you for your choice anyway.
ive got to get ot of her will sed.
Jade: so it wasnt just a choir, but a choir of cannibals?
Dirk: Stranger things have happened.
then he noticed thet he still had his sord!
Dirk: Not so impressive, dude. That thing is about as sharp as cardboard.
wil cut the rapes
Jade: no comment. XP
and ran fort the door that the gost wnet throo. NO IT IS COKED!
Dirk: According to the dictionary, "coking" is the act of converting into or becoming coke. "Coke", meanwhile, is "the solid product resulting from the destructive distillation of coal in an oven or closed chamber or by imperfect combustion", though it can also refer to the drug Cocaine or some of the carbonated beverages made by the coca-cola company, including Coca Cola Classic, Diet Coke, Vanilla Coke, and New Coke. Do note that all of these are fucking meaningless in this context.
will sed ad he pulped on the locked dorf. judt then dave and terezi opened the trapdoor adn saw will! WILL WE MISSED YOU! dave sed
Dirk: Which is why we ignored your screaming when you first fell down the trapdoor.
i missed you guys toop will repilerd. did you see any hosts? teriyaki asked?
Jade: youre not even trying to spell her name right, are you? :'(
YES THE KIDNAPPED ME!" will screamed zdn they herd him becuz they were all in the basement so they could here it.
i think its time we CATCH THOSE GOSTS. dave yelled.
Dirk: Thus ruining their element of surprise.
so they set up a tarp usig some munny and a net over it.
Dirk: Because if it's good enough to catch "Groundoon", it's good enough for ghosts.
they were hopping to catch the gosts in it becuz gosts love monet.
Jade: apparently ghosts are into impressionism. who knew?
Dirk: Though in all seriousness, using money as bait makes a surprising amount of sense. Most people believe that ghosts are the souls of those who refuse to pass onto their final reward because they are still too attached to the material world, usually because they have some unfinished business of some sort, though a simple obsession with material goods could also act as a catalyst, especially when you take into account the assistance of "haunted treasure", such as the Aztec coins in Pirates of the Caribbean, or the real-life Hope Diamond.
...
Damn it, now you've got me trying to justify this piece of shit.
the gosts came back and one gost said "OH HEY SOME MONEY" and wnet to get the money.
the other gost sed "NO ITS A TARP"
Dirk: *sigh*
This is such a waste of my talents.
but it was too late adn they where caught. i tink its time we fnid out who these gosts rely are dave sed. he pulled of their sheet and the gosts were
Jade: *gasp!!* old man jenkins?!
TEAM BAD!
Jade: oh well close enough.
i knew it! dave sed. only jack and karlkat would be bad enough to do this!
Dirk: Or rather, only Jack and whatever-his-name-is-at-the-moment would be stupid enough to think that would actually work.
NOW WHERE IS MR FUJI? jack yelled I DONT KNOW WHO TAT IS. and him and katfak ran away.
Jade: dont bother to chase after them. its not like theyre criminals or anything. :P
dave skope. if those guys didnt take mr fuji where is he? RIGHT HERE grissom yeleled. I WAS RELY MR FUJI ALL ALONG I WANTED YOU GUYS TO GET RID OF TEAM BAD SO I SED I WAS KIDNAPPED ALSO I ONLY LOOK LIKE GRISSOK BECUZ I HAD PLASTIC SURGERY.
Jade: i can literally say that i didn't see that plot twist coming.
oh good dave sed and him and his frends lerft.
NOW THEY CAN GET TO THE VERDEMILLION! WILL THEYT GET THE NEXT BADGER?
Dirk: Interestingly, I don't believe there actually is a badger pokemon. Oh well, time for the next chapter.
dave adn his frien ds got to VERDEMILLION CITY at last but it wuz knight! they waked down teh skeet and looked 4 the gym. where is the jim? dvea asked? i dunno bro will replied its so dark i cant see shirt. dave had an idesa and he gott GROUNDOON to use FARSH adn it lit up teh street and all teh streetligts becuz GROUNDOON is a leg end and EVERYTHING lists to him. EVERYTHING.,
Dave quckly noticed a sin that sed "POKERMON GYM BATTLE OF THE BNADS"
Dirk: Apparently, in this crazy fucked-up continuinty ten year olds are expected to be able to play musical instruments in addition to having the basic survival skills necessary to survive a pokemon journey.
and wuz amazed becuz he wuz rely gud with music adn if he one he KNEW he wud get the badge.
Jade: though given how much of a mary sue story!dave is, hed probably win even if hed never played an instrument before.
"guys i thing we shud enter adn get the badge" dvea told terezi and Wlil.
Dirk: Nah. I was just thinking we'd give up and go home, hanging our heads in shame that our hopes and dreams have been thoroughly crushed.
whoo is the gym leder anyway? will asked terfi. IT IS PORPLE FISHMAN ADN HIS KINGDRA POKERMON! terzi answered.
Jade: oh great... eridan is in this story. :P
but then wat is the baffle of teh bands 4? dave sked. "It is to keep peple who are gay adn play gey music like In-Sink from getting the bedge becuz they are gay and also prepz"
Dirk: Given how most trolls are bisexual, is it even an insult to call one of them "gay"?
alrigh then i am not gey lets enter dave sed.
So dvea adn his team of dudes entererered the gym adn sinned up for teh battle of the bnads. wen they were done the lady at teh froint desk took them back in2 the gym adn they saw the other bnads. There wuz a band with Edwart adn Bella and Scoot AND SNIPER 2!
Dirk: The reason that characters from TF2 and Twilight are in a band togeather is because I have no idea.
The other bands wuz ded skeleton bowser (becuz he dyed in my laast story!1)
Jade: oh now I get it! this is apparently a sequel to hart shaped love / pained harts!
Dirk: That does not make it any better.
as a 1 man band adn finale TEAM BAD AS THER OWN BND!
Jade: Because apparently theyre not wanted or anything despite all the stabbing, kidnapping, and all-around trouble they've caused. :(
Jcak played Guttar and Kitkart played teh DRUMPS.
Dave and his band storted playing enter sandman by slipknot and tey where so gud that edward adn bella and scoot and siper all quit right awayt.
Dirk: They probably wanted to get out of this fic while they still could, to salvage whatever dignity they had left.
ded boneswer kept playting thog, and so did team bad. next dave and friends played some fall out boy and it was so gud and sexy thet bowser died agan.
Jade: thats the power of rock for you!
then jack got sick of daves crap adn he teleproted onstag adn BORKE DAVES DJ TURN THE TABLES! hahahahaha try to beet us now! Jack sed "YEH!" kitkat addeded.
Dirk: So they were disqualified for very obvious cheating, and Dave won by default.
"WE ARE THE BAST YOU ARE LOOZERS. dave realized tata he cud not let katkar and jack win so he started to rap with GROUNDOON and it wuz so grape that kitrak and jcaks inturments blowed up and they were disqulificated.
Jade: because when dave breaks someone else's instruments its all okay.
and DAVE WON!
Dirk: Woooooooo.
puple fishman came out adn eridared and cried becuz daves rap wuz so good. "boo hoo i am crying becuz tht wuz good here take this badge and get ot b4 i cry mor."
TANK YOU FISMAN dave sed as he tok the badge and hi-5ved GROUNDOON becuz GROUNDOON helped him rap good.
DAVE NOW HAS TREE BADGES! NEXT HE WILL GOT TO A NEW PLACE ADN GET ANOTHER MAYBE UNLES SOMETING BAD HAPENS HINT HINT!11!
Dirk: Okay story's done. Can we go now?
The Devil: NOT YET. I STILL NEED TO KILL A VERY IMPORTANT CHARACTER. AND THIS TIME, HE'S GOING TO DIE WHEN I KILL HIM.
Dirk: Just make it quick. I can't keep it in forever bro.
*The Devil pulls out an ebony revolver. A close-up shot shows that the revolver's barrel is engraved with the words "Cain" in cursive text.*
The Devil: HEY TROLL PHELOUS, WHO HAS TOTALLY BEEN HERE THE ENTIRE TIME?
Troll Phelous: ...?
The Devil: DO YOU KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS?
Troll Phelous: *Shakes head vigorously*
The Devil: *ka-click!* GARBAGE DAY! *bang*
*The Devil's bullet pierces Troll Phelous' skull, causing him to fall to the floor in slow motion as this song begins to play. No sound can be heard as Jade screams out for Troll Phelous. A flashback montage of Troll Phelous' role in the series begins to play. Specific attention is made to episode 26, where he and Jade learned to trust each other and work together to escape the Phantom Zone, forming a bond of friendship in the process, culminating in Troll Phelous volunteering to have his vocal cords removed so that he would never be able to express the Anti-Life Equation that was buried deep within his mind.*
Jade: nooooooo! you bastard! i'll kill you! *sob* i'll fucking kill you!
The Devil: IT HAD TO BE DONE, JADE. THE POWER OF THE ANTI-LIFE EQUATION IS SOMETHING THAT NOT EVEN I WOULD TRUST MYSELF TO POSSESS.
Jade: but... did he really have to die?
The Devil: TO STOP THE GREAT DISASTER? YES.
Jade: great disaster? what are you talking about?
The Devil: I'M AFRAID I'VE ALREADY SAID TOO MUCH. I NOW TAKE MY LEAVE, MORTALS. IF YOU BELIEVE IN GOD, PRAY THAT HE HAS MERCY ON YOUR SOULS.
Dirk: Cool story bro. Now where's the bathroom.
The Devil: JUST GO PAST THE LAVA FOUNTAIN ON THE RIGHT, AND YOU'LL FIND IT BETWEEN THE SECRET PASSAGE AND MY COMIC BOOK READING ROOM.
Dirk: Secret passage?
The Devil: YEAH, THE ONE THAT LEADS TO PROPHET GILESBIE'S LAIR. YOU KNOW, THE ONE WITH THE STAIRS THAT APPEAR WHEN YOU POKE THE EYES OF THE GARGOYLE WITH THE FUNNY MUSTACHE.
Dirk: Oh right. That secret passage. Thanks for the heads up.
The Devil: YEAH, A LOT OF PEOPLE WALK RIGHT PAST THAT. HELL IF I KNOW WHY.
Dirk: It boggles the mind.
The Devil: THAT IT DOES. NOW IF YOU EXCUSE ME I HAVE A LIVESTREAM OF A LOW-LEVEL XENOBLADE CHRONICLES SPEEDRUN THAT I NEED TO GET STARTED ON. LATER DUDE.
Dirk: Yeah. Later.
DETECTIVE
Troll Phelous; a true American hero. You will be missed.
ReplyDelete...this, despite being the Alternian counterpart of a Canadian internet celebrity.
DeleteTroll Canada is basically just troll America's hat.
Delete