Saturday, May 11, 2013

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 34



???: Ballad... I see you have returned to your old ways. Is attempted destruction of the timeline not enough for you?

Caius Ballad: You have no need to fear me, Monitor. I have made a warrior's oath to return to my duties as guardian of time. In fact, I am here for the same reason you are; to uncover the key to The Great Disaster.

???: ...Very well. I have already witnessed The Wall's answer, and it is meaningless to me. Perhaps you might shed a bit more light on the answer's meaning.

Paddra Nsu-Yeul: The wall... it speaks!

*A series of letters written in 100-foot tall flames appear in front of the Source Wall*

Caius: Let me see; P...H...E...L... oh you've got to be kidding me.










======================

Edrobot: Okay, Season 4 time. Any ideas on how we can keep things fresh?

The Devil: I THINK WE SHOULD INTRODUCE A HIP YOUNG CHARACTER THAT WILL APPEAL TO ALL OF THE YOUNG PEOPLES IN THE 18-25 YEAR OLD DEMOGRAPHIC.

Edrobot: Great idea! Who did you have in mind?

The Devil: OKAY FOR STARTERS WE'LL HAVE A COOL KID WITH ATTITUDE WHO RAPS AND DJS AT PARTIES AND ALWAYS SHOWS DISRESPECT TO EVERYONE BECAUSE HE'S A BADASS LONER.

Edrobot: We already did that. Dave Strider, remember?

The Devil: OH. OKAY THEN, HOW ABOUT A MYSTERIOUS GIRL WITH MYSTERIOUS POWERS?

Edrobot: We've got more than one of those to various degrees  Jade, Kanaya, Vriska, Electra...

The Devil: UH OKAY HOW ABOUT THIS: AN AWESOME COOL DEMON DUDE WITH A PITCHFORK WHO LIVES IN HELL AND PLAYS VIDEO GAMES ALL DAY SURROUNDED BY SMOKING HOT LADY-FRIENDS.

Edrobot: ...You're fired.


=====MEANWHILE=====

Doctor Whooves: Hello there? You said you wanted to meet me here in this dingey back alley? 

???: Correct. And you are... Doctor Whooves I assume?

Doctor Whooves Time Turner: Actually they call me Time Turner now. Something about a copyright infringement.

???: Indeed. Mister Turner, do you know-

Time Turner Doctor Whooves: Though now that you mention it, the name does have a nice ring to it. I guess you could call me that...

???: ...Very well then. As I was saying-

Doctor Whooves Time Turner: Though then again we don't want to attract a lawsuit, so perhaps I should-

???: Whatever your name is, do you know what today's date is?

Time Turner: Ah yes, if I recall it is the 11th of April.

???: And do you know what's so special about this very date?

Time Turner: Well it was the day apollo 13 launched, it is the feast day of Leo the Great in the Anglican church, but most importantly it is also...

???: Garbage Day?

Time Turner: Oh no no, that's not until friday. But let's see, it's on the tip of my tongue...

???: ...I'll spare you the trouble. The thing that is special about today, is that today is the day that I shoot a hole through your head.

Time Turner: Hm. That's funny. I don't recall putting anything like that in my day plann-

*BANG*

???: The 52 must remain pure... so says SOLOMON THE MONITOR!


=====MEANWHILE=====

Cronus Ampora: im doing it, IM DOING IT. im jumping the SHARK.

Jake: Jeepers! Look at cronus go!

Dave: hes jumping the shark all right.

Karkat: YEP, HE SURE IS.

Pinkie Pie: He's like a big flying fish! With no wings! On jet skis! ^-^

Cronus: im doing it, im doing it, im doing it... im not doing it, im gonna crash and burn. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.


*KABOOM*

Jake: Wow! That would have been positively tragic if he hadn't become immortal after falling into that big vat of radioactive waste last week. Close call am i right?

Cronus: wvy vwont i die already...

Jake: Well enough about that, today w'ere going to read some fan-work based on the kinetic sound novel "umineko no naku koro ni" (which translates to "when the seagulls cry"). So tell me, dave. What is umineko about, anyway?

Dave: fuck if i know. it starts off simple. theres a bunch of guys on an island squabbling over a family fortune when suddenly a witch appears and says she gets everything if they cant solve some kinda riddle. and then theres this guy named battler trying to defeat the witches by proving that magic doest exist by proving that various murders and stuff could happen without magic and stuff thats written in red text is always true unless its written in gold text which is more true than red text and i think time travel and parallel universes and meta worlds are involved somehow. 

Karkat: IN SHORT, IT'S VERY SLIGHTLY LESS MIND SCREWY THAN HOMESTUCK.

Dave: theres a translation available but i havent played it because i dont own the original, and there is an anime but i havent watched it.

Jake: Thank you, david. As i said today we're going to be reading selected works of hikari-ushiromiya-chan, which gives us a tragic glimpse into alternate continuity from the perspective of a girl who is either very young or has suffered serious brain damage. While there's no name for her continuity, hikari's works all link together to tell a continuous story. 

Karkat: GIVEN HOW DENSE THE ORIGINAL WORK IS, CHANCES ARE THE AUTHOR'S JUST TROLLING US; THERE'S NO WAY THAT SOMEONE THIS ILLITERATE COULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD ENOUGH OF IT TO GET THE SURFACE DETAILS CORRECT. BUT IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVE ANYTHING ELSE TO DO SO WE MIGHT AS WELL READ IT.

Jake: The first story is titled "introduction" and is exactly that: an introduction to our main character.

hi my name is hikari ushiromiya.

Karkat: THIS HAS GOT TO BE A NEW HIGH FOR THE SERIES; WE HAVE A MAIN CHARACTER THAT I DON'T WANT TO STRANGLE. YET.

today my papa kizno woke me up becus i had to go to school. kizno is not my real papa but my real mama is rosa but she beat me so kizno adopdt me. he is reli nice ^_^

Jake: According to tv tropes, kinzo is the head of the ushiromiya family, and the whole conflict of the story revolves around his inheritance. Rosa is the fourth in line to succession, and mother of a character named maria, which means that maria is hikari's sister in this continuity. Again, i haven't played the game before so i don't know if beating hikari would be in character for rosa but the tvtropes wiki suggests otherwise. 

i dont mean to brag but my grades are reli great, kizno says they are beter than geroge-kuns so he wants me to be the nxt heir of the famly.

Karkat: AAAAND THAT BIT OF MARY-SUEDOM HAS LOST WHATEVER CREDIBILITY WE HAD LEFT.

kizno is kinda wierd tho bcus he never reli talks to natushi-obasan or karuss-ojisan. but he sed i shuldnt think about it so i dont.

Dave: and since you gave us no context neither do we.

and now i have to go or i wil be late for school! that is bad so byebye i wil tel you more later

Jake: So what we know right now is; the family's relations are strained, hikari is next in line to inherit the fortune, and she likes to write in her diary. I sure hope the next chapter (hanging out with bren) clarifies things for us!

Dave: spoiler alert. it wont.

ok so today i hung out wit bren. :) her full name is bernkasell but she lets me call her bren isnt that nice?

Jake: Alas, hikari's childlike naivety has prevented her from realizing the true horror of bernkastel, the cruelest witch!

so we were shoppin at the mall and we had lots offun. ^_^ we bougth icecream and outfits taht match. and she bougth me a kity cat! itis so cute.

Karkat: YES THIS IS ALL VERY INTERESTING.

and thn we went bak home but we didnt take the bus bcaus bren used magic to get us there!

and tehn we had a grate pajamy party and we ate lotsof candy

Dave: shes the cruelest witch all right.

and lamada wanted to come but bren sed no.

Pinkie: Hm. That's a another witch that hikari seems to be friends with. Do you think this could be... forshadowing? 0-0

Dave: well the next chapters called 'i bcema a witch' so for once yeah your right.

lamada is ok but she is a bit childish at tiems i think.

Karkat: FOR THE RECORD, LAMBADELTA HAS "THE POWER TO KILL UNFALINGLY". THANK YOU JAPAN, FOR INVENTING YET ANOTHER CHILDISH, SEEMINGLY UNDERAGE SERIAL KILLER.

and then bren had to go home, but she is going to come over tomorow!"

Dave: so far these chapters are pretty boring.

today bren cam over and we at ic crem and seewts it was good

and becuz we are bffs she maed me into a witch! ^_^

Karkat: THATS IT? IT WAS THAT SIMPLE? YOU JUST BECOME FRIENDS WITH A WITCH, AND THEY MAKE YOU A WITCH TOO?

Jake: Based on what we've seen so far, i think that "bren" had an ulterior motive. My guess is that she sought out and befriended hikari because she was going to inherit the family fortune, and making her a witch would allow them to hold the fortune hostage. But that's just my theory.

bren is so awesom isnt sheso now iam the witch of kawaii bcuz i like cute things and its kawaii in japanese isnt that cool? atleast i think itis

Karkat: WELL GIVEN THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO JAPANESE I SURE HOPE YOU KNOW YOUR OWN LANGUAGE BETTER THAN THIS ONE.

but then lamada came over and she didnt like me bein a wihtc so she said taht i now was furnirtwe and she can summon me ):

Pinkie: Witch = Furniture = able to be summoned? *DOES NOT COMPUTE* @_@

Jake: Well to be fair "furniture" is another concept from umineko, and it basically refers to a magically bound servant creature thing. Though given that this is umineko it's hard to be sure about anything really.


and evabeetrice came and mad me a demon becuz she thot it was cool so im confused now lolz

Karkat: SO AM I.

im like a whitch and a demon and furniture at once how does that evn work 

Karkat: THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY; MAKE UP YOUR FREAKIN MIND ALREADY! ARE YOU A DEMON, A WITCH, OR FURNITURE?  NEXT THINK YOU'LL BE SAYING THAT YOU'RE NOW A VAMPIRE NINJA FAIRY OR SOMETHING!

lol bren help me xDD

Jake: The final story we're covering tonight is something called "cotn toilet". Not to be confused with "con air", of course.

ugh this monrnig i woke up and i was all wet and then i looked and i was in a toilet D:

Dave: aw man weve all had mornings like that havent we??

and lamada was standin over me and laguhd and told me that she didnt want me to hang out wit bren anymore adnt that i was just uslls furnituwre

Karkat: GIVEN HOW AWFUL YOUR WRITING IS, SHE MAY JUST HAVE A POINT THERE.

but i used my witchpower and turned the toilet into cotn candy 

Karkat: I WOULDN'T TRY EATING THAT IF I WERE YOU.

and then i pushed lamada into it and she got stuk and i laughd sinc shye couldnt do anythinh

Pinkie: IRONY! ^0^

and tehn i teleptred home and lamada didnt bother me more that day and i aet icre crem wit bren

if lamada tris to mess wiht me agin i will show her lolz

Dave: man were these stories boring.

Karkat: TELL ME ABOUT IT. AT LEAST IN "MY IMMORTAL" OR "DAVE STDIDER" STUFF ACTUALLY HAPPENS. YES, THAT'S RIGHT. I WOULD RATHER READ MY IMMORTAL THAN THIS.

Pinkie: And if this is supposed to be a big joke, it's just... not all that funny. Strange, yes, but not funny.

Jake: Perhaps it starts a bit slow, but I assure you that this will all pay off in the end. For now though, we should probably rescue Cronus before the sharks finish him off.

Cronus: i can't feel my legs...

Dave: speaking of which. did you guys hear that al is trying to find a fourth guy for their team???

Jake: Why, yes i did. I would have helped if i could, but im sure theyre up to their arms in all kinds of facinating and interesting people.

========MEANWHILE=========


Koibito Minano: Gomenasai! Watashi wa 〜desu Kobito Minano, and watashi wa 〜desu big, big fan of 3000-Nen Kara Kagaku-teki Romansu no Jeiku eigo no Nazo no Shiatā! Watashi wa silver blood, and watashi wa 〜desu Kinochi of Soul!

Alfred: Next.

Enigma Lehava: hey man, i don't know anything about fanfiction. i dont even have a computer, cuz i dont cling to material things, ya dig?
Lant: Next.

???: Greetings, humans. I am a Monitor, one of the 52 guardians of the multiverse. My name is-

Electra: Next.

Sharky Warfield: Look! I have a shark tail! ___n___

Alfred: Next.

Audry the Troll Demon: ...Hi, I'm a . ...half-troll... . half-demon... . half-human ROCK STAR...! I got... . like ... . a ZILLION ideas for your show... . any of you play... . GUITAR?

Lant : Next.

Zoiie Wravve: Hey guyz, let's do sone ZCIENCE!

Electra: Next.

Eridan Ampora: i just wanna be lovved is that to much to ask


Lant: Next.

George the Mutant: BLARG IM A MUTANT

Alfred: Next.

???: I have not come to join in on your show. In fact, I have actually come to this plane in order to recruit-
Lant: Next.

Dreamer Namaka: <3—> I have a secret(...) I used to be Doc Scratch in a past life(...)

Lant: Next.

Akemii Lovaee: My rain<3ow hair is 100% natural!

Alfred: Next.

Caliborn: MWA HA HA! DESTROY THE WORLD!

Lant: Next.

Kaizox Maxzio: _|0 |)4\|/9z, \|/4zZ|_||>?

Lant: Next.

Ophiuchus the Great: I-

Electra: Next.

Shirou Emiya: I'm a magus who once accidentally summoned the spirit of king arthur, who turned out to be a teenage girl and hey wait a second you look kind of familiar...

Electra: Next.
Zanna Mufasa: ♔Good eve♑ing, my frie♑ds. Before we proceed, I should ♑ote that I o♑ly peruse fa♑fictio♑ based o♑ "The Lio♑ King".

Lant: Next.

Suneve Sramze: can i zee your breasts?


Electra: Next.

???: Will you please listen to me for a-

Electra: Next.

Sinota Dallia: MY LUSUS IS |>EEEEA|> I JUST WANTED T@ GET THAT @UT @F THE WAY, S@ I CAN EXPLAIN THAT I YELL ALL THE TIME BECAUSE I'M ANGRY ALL THE TIME BECAUSE MY LUSUS IS @EEEEEA@.

Lant: Next.
Regan Vantas: before a//yone asks i must let you know I DO //OT HAVE FUCKING BIPOLAR DISORDER OKAY THAT IS A DA////D DIRTY LIE //ADE UP BY FEMINIST //AZI FAGGOTS a//d e//en if I did I DONT //EED FUCKI//G MEDICINE ITS U//DER CO//TROL OKAY.

Electra: Next.

Kawaii Etwals: My name is Kawaii Etwals!*<3* Even though I'm a boy, I want to be a magical girl when I grow up!*<3* Wanna see my eyes change color? *<3*

Lant: Next

Pinkbunny: ...

Alfred: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Electra: Next.


Opal Edwards: Print("Hello, I am Opal Edwards, a Gardevior.\n Please excuse the keyboard; Pokemon can't naturally talk, so I need to use this to make up for my disability.")

Lant: ...the sad thing is this is the first relatively reasonable person we've heard all day. Do you think we should hear her out?

Electra: Eeeeehhhh.... sure. What's the harm?

Alfred: Any relation to Jade Edwards?

Opal Edwards: Print("...you know my sister?")

Alfred: I thought I did, unless she's also a Pokemon now thanks to our space-time shenanigans...

Opal: Print("Oh no, we were simply born on the same day and raised by our very peculiar father.\n But that's kind of a long story and really, it's not what I'm here for.")

Lant: Then... why are you here?

Opal: Print("We're here for... well, I think I'll let him explain it.
")

???: Greetings, mortals.

Electra: Oy, you again? I told you, we don't want you around-

???: What I have to say concerns you most of all, your highness. The Great Disaster is upon us, a you are no doubt aware.

Electra: ...!

Alfred: That's right, Electra did say she was sent back in time to stop it. But what is The Great Disaster? STOP

???: That, I do not know. But I do know two things. One; that Solomon, a rogue Monitor, is trying to accelerate it. And two; that the human known as "Phelous" will be responsible for solving it.

Lant: Uh... Phelous? Really? You might want to check your notes there...

???: It was hard for me to believe too, but judgement of the Source Wall is infallible!

Electra: Then all is lost! Phelous is dead, making a pointless sacrifice in our battle with the Prophet Gilesbie!

Opal: Print("Not dead, missing.")
???: We belive that "Phelous" is lost somewhere in the metaverse, and I need your help in order to find him before it's too late.

Alfred: But why us? STOP.

???: Alfred, your status as the Smith of Time will ensure us that we will "make time" to stop the crisis. As for the others, Lant's tenacity and heroism would be the envy of the green lantern corps while still being obscure enough not to draw attention to our party, and Opal is both an empath and a master hacker, lending well to a support role.

Electra: But what about me? I was sent back in time for this! This is supposed to be my story!

???: Uh... I guess you can hit things with a sword?

Electra: Well I guess that's a start...

Alfred: But what about you?

???: As a Monitor, I am sworn not to interfere directly with the mortal world, but I will provide constant guidance and assistance. As for my name, you may call me... Bob.

Alfred: Bob? You sure you wouldn't prefer to be called something cooler, like Alchemix, or Yverion? STOP
Lant: Or "Mandrakk", or "The Living Tribunal", or Nix Dawnbreaker?

Electra: Or Jerkass, or Idiot God, or Superion McSnootypants?

Bob: No, "Bob" is just fine thank you.

Alfred: We should start by asking the other Monitors for advice!

Bob: Uh....

====================

Monitor # 36: We should do something!

Monitor # 43: Should we do something?

Monitor # 51: We should do something!

Monitor # 34: Should we do something?

Monitor # 1: Wait, I know what we should do!

Monitor # 44: What should we do?

Monitor # 1: I think we should do... SOMETHING!

Monitor # 52: No, we should do some-THING!

Monitor # 36: But should we do something?

Monitor # 37: We should do SOME-thing!

Monitor # 50: Should we do something?

Monitor # 22: We should do something!

Monitor # 44: Should we do something?

Monitor # 34: We should do something!

====================


Bob: ...something tells me they won't be much help. Now come, time is of the essence!


Electra: But where are we going?

Bob: To Earth-24... a world where no man has gone before!

Alfred: What about the people who already live there?

Bob: Well, yes, but they don't count.

Alfred: And what about people caught in space-time accidents?

Bob: Okay fine, maybe a few people have been there, but not on purpose...

Alfred: And Time Lords, have any Time Lords been there?

Bob: Do you want to save the multiverse or not?

Alfred: I'll shut up now.

Bob: Now, let us proceed... to a world where no man has gone before on pupose except possibly for a few time lords. (There, happy?)

Alfred: Very much.


DETECTIVE

3 comments:

  1. Were....all of those applicants fantrolls you actually found?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Most of them were from http://fuckyeahawfulfantrolls.tumblr.com/, a tumblr blog about crappy fantrolls.

      The only exceptions were Ophiuchus the Great (A purposefully awful Fantroll from Alabaster: The Doomed Session), Eridan (A canon troll), Caliborn, and Shirou Emiya (a character from Fate/Stay Night).

      Delete
    2. Haha, yeah, aside from those guys of course.

      Delete