Saturday, June 15, 2013

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 35




*The Devil is playing with little figurines that look like Pinkie Pie and Electra Pendragon*  

The Devil: "DON'T WORRY, PINKIE PIE. WITH MY HELP YOU WILL BE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PONY AT THE GRAND GALLOPING GALA." "AWW, THANK YOU, ELECTRA! LET ME GIVE YOU A BIG SLOPPY KISS!" *kissey noises*

Darkseid: Ahem.

The Devil: AHHH! LORD DARKSEID! YOU DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING, DID YOU?

Darkseid: No, I did not see you playing with your dolls again, if that's what you mean.

The Devil: GOOD! SO, UH, WHAT'S UP?

Darkseid: Are all my preperations in order?

The Devil: YES. MONARCH HAS BEEN DISPATCHED, THE MONITORS ARE OCCUPIED, AND A THIRD PARTY IS READY TO RELEASE THE BEAST.

Darkseid: And the seige of New Genesis?

The Devil: IT'S ALL HAPPENING OFFSCREEN, JUST AS YOU WISHED, LORD DARKSEID. 

Darkseid: Good. You are dismissed, Lucifer.

The Devil: UH, SURE THING, BOSS. I'LL JUST GET GOING NOW...

Darkseid: ...Finally, I thought he would never leave. *picks up figurines of Opal Edwards and Electra Pendragon* Now where were we. Oh yes... "Oh electra, it is so very cool that you saved me from that killer shark; it's too bad your boyfriend Lant died." "Oh that's okay, I just discovered that I am a lesbian today." "Really? So am I!" "Let's make out!" *kissey noises*


-----------------

Karkat: I DON'T GET IT, HOW THE HELL ARE YOU BEATING ME WITH MISTER GAME AND WATCH?!

Dave: i dunno. maybe you should play someone on a higher tier than ganondorf. 

Karkat: NO WAY YOU'RE GOING TO TRICK ME INTO GIVING UP MY FAVORITE CHARACTER!

Dave: whatever dude. its your funeral.

Cronus: hey there all you cool cats, wvhat's happenin'?

Jake: We had the day off, so we're playing super smash brothers.

Cronus: i dig, i dig... ya know i'm actually pretty good at that game myself. howv about you newvbies let me join, so you can see how a REAL pro does things.

Karkat: NO. NOBODY LIKES YOU.

Cronus: ...wvhy not?

Karkat: BECAUSE YOU'RE A LAME PICKUP ARTIST WHO WEARS AN UNPLEASANTLY FAKE PERSONALITY AND IS ALSO INCREDIBLY CLASSIST. 

Jake: Also we only have four controllers.

Karkat: EVEN PINKIE PIE DOESN'T LIKE YOU, AND SHE HAS SOMETHING NICE TO SAY ABOUT EVERYONE.

Cronus: get outta town.

Karkat: NO, SERIOUSLY. WATCH THIS: HEY PINKIE, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT ERIDAN?

Pinkie: I think he's a real snappy dresser! ^-^

Karkat: HOW ABOUT CALIBORN?

Pinkie: That guy really knows how to laugh! ^-^

Karkat: AND ELECTRA? 

Pinkie: She's awfully competitive... but grandma pie always said; you won't get anywhere just by standing around! ^-^

Karkat: THEN WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT CRONUS?

Pinkie: Uh... I really like his mane? @_@

Cronus: *tsk*, you're breakin' my heart, vwantas. and here i thought wve wvere friends...

Dave: have you guys even talked to each other up till now??

Karkat: NO, AND I INTEND TO KEEP IT THAT WAY. GOODBY, CRONUS.

Cronus: now that's just mean. but tell you wvhat, i'll be wvilling to forgivwe you if you'd just-

Karkat: GOODBY, CRONUS.

Cronus: but i'm a really nice guy if you just get to-

Karkat: GOODBY, CRONUS.

Cronus: ...okay that is the LAST strawv. i am sick and tired of being treated like a joke by the land-dwvellers and mutants that i've been REDUCED to associating wvith. man, someday i swvear if i become a crazy supervwillain i'm going to conquer the future and then go back in time and conquer the world again just to make your life a livwing hell.

Karkat: GOODBY, CRONUS.

Cronus: *nyeh* i'm outta here, land dwvellers!

Dave: that guy has issues.

Jake: You can say that again...

Jane Crocker: Guys! Some evil supervillain from the future named Monarch has gone back in time to try to conquer the present!

Jake: Good golly! What a sudden and shocking turn of events that is completely unrelated to our dealings with cronus!

Karkat: GREAT, JUST WHAT WE NEEDED. ANOTHER AMBITIOUS, OVERPOWERED FREAK WITH ACCESS TO TIME TRAVEL.

Jane: But that's not all! Someone else has gone on a murderous rampage! And his first victim... was MS. PAINT!

Jake: The bastard! Don't worry, Crocker; you have my word that we won't let these vagabonds commit crimes wantonly any further!

Karkat: I'LL GET TEREZI ON THE HOMICIDE CASE AND WE'LL HANDLE THE SUPERVILLAIN. WE'RE GOOD AT THAT SORT OF THING.

Pinkie: Aaaaad-VENTURE TIME! ^0^

Jake: Do want to come along, Jane? We could always use a fifth wheel.

Jane: Uh... I'm not sure. Compare to all the stuff you've been through lately, I've been feeling a bit left behind on the power curve... :(

Jake: Well, can't say we didn't ask. Tally ho, everyone!

Karkat: YEAH YEAH.

Dave: whatever.

Pinkie: Weeeeeee! ^0^





Electra Pendragon: So what world is this again?

Monitor Bob: This is Earth-42, a world very similar to your own, except everyone has superpowers.

Lant: Everyone?

Opal Edwards: Print("Everyone. And we will start our search here, where this world's Justice League can lend their support.")

Caliborn-42: MWA HA HA! I, MISTER EXPOSITION, WILL ROB THE FIRST BANK OF SAN FRANCISCO AS YOU CLUMSILY NARRATE TO YOURSELVES ABOUT YOUR POWERS AND INTENTIONS!

John Egbert-42: you fiend! i, stratos, will stop you using by using my mysterious wind-based powers to lift this car, which, after making sure it is unoccupied, will throw at you with great velocity!

Dave Strider-42: and i, the ironically named cool dude bloodgun, will draw my katana that i use instead of guns and then swing it in a horizontal motion so that i may cut you in a way that does serious harm though not serious enough to be fatal.

Jade Harley-42: and i, iron lass, will begin charging my metallic suit's weaponry as i wait for the other seventeen members of the justice league to explain what they intend to do!

Pinkie Pie-42: And I, Crazy Horse, have a different contingency plan for the different powers for all 52 of my split personalities! If Jitterbug is in control  I'll use her teleportation powers to rescue civilians! If Black Betty is in control, I'll go on a berserk rampage that may endanger my teammates! If driver 9 is in control, I'll...

Alfred Smith: I think we're going to be in for a bit of a wait. Wanna read some fanfiction to pass the time? STOP

Lant: Sure, why not.

Electra: *sigh* If we must.

Opal: Print("I know I'm just supposed to be a guide, but may I join? \n I've been reading a few MSTs myself, and this does sound like fun...")

Alfred: Absolutely  The more the merrier! Today's story is called "The Darker Knight", and it's apparently about batman. Lant, what do you know about Batman? STOP

Lant: The better question is, what don't I know about Batman? Surely the Caped Crusader needs no introduction; the chronicle of a man avenging his dead parents by starting a one-man war against crime is practically the cornerstone of our ages' mythology! And the concept has been interpreted in so many ways, too; from the camp of the silver age and Adam West's tv show to the gritty realism of the Nolanverse and "The Dark Knight Returns" to Grant Morrison's attempt to reconcile the two extremes, there's dozens of ways to interpret Batman, and all of them are equally valid (Except for Joel Schumacher and Frank Miller's later works. We don't talk about those).

Opal: Print("And what do you know about this fic?")

Lant: It's a troll fic. The last chapter flat out admits it. So I'm going to try not to get to angry with what they mangle for the sake of a cheap laugh.

The Darker Knight

Bruce Waine was sitting on computer reading repoort about many people being dead because of Batman when really because of Too-Face.

Lant: And you knew this... how? I mean don't get me wrong, that does sound like something Two-Face might do; expressing his obsession with duality by going around pretending to be an evil Batman. But that does seem like you're jumping to conclusions there.

Bruce Waine slam coffee mug on table and splash hit paper. Batman look at paper and see pichure of dead mom and dad. 

Opal: fetch_meme(batman_parents_are_dead)



"i must not give up to stop this crime stopping." Bruce Waine said. 

Alfred: I'm never going to fall asleep again! Yep, that'll be good for my health. STOP.

Lant: Actually, Grant Morrison's run on Batman revealed that he actually takes five second microsleeps instead of sleeping like regular people. Of course, later on in the same arc he spent about a weak running around in a purple outfit calling himself "The Batman of Zur-En-Arrh" and screaming about a broken tape recorder that he called "The Bat-Radia", so you might just have a point there.

Bruce Waine goes to his his AIM and look for name of someone to help. 

Opal: print("Because that's how superheros get help without compromising their secret identites;\n soliciting help from strangers over the internet.")

Lant: ...and while this is a bit nitpicky since this is probably based on the Christopher Nolan version of Batman which has a much tighter cast, but despite his reputation as a loner in the comics Bruce actually has a huge network of allies. Depending on the period of time the story is set he could have called upon Robin, Nightwing (a previous Robin), The Red Hood (another previous Robin), Red Robin, several different people who have been Batgirl, Oracle, Spoiler, Black Bat, Batwoman, Flamebird, Batwing, Catwoman, Huntress, the second Question, or The Creeper. And that's not even getting into teams he's been on, such as the International Club of Heroes, the Outsiders, or even the Justice League.

Electra: And your point is...?

Lant: Oh, I don't have a point. I just like long list gags.

Only one mperson online.

Opal: Print("I see AOL Instant Message isn't as popular as it used to be.")

"hello" Brucce Waine tiped.

"Yes." tiped the other person.

"I am being accused of mumur." Said Bruce Waine.

"well i can help u." tiped other person.

"Then we must team up." Bruce Waine

"Indeed." The person reply.

Soon Bruce Waine go to his cousin house to team up with Betty Waine

Opal: Play_Video("Spinning_Logo");



He pull into house with Batmobile and see cousin standing there. Betty Waine had blues eyes and brown hairs. she was tall and skinny and war makeup. she looked like Meghan Fox and had boobs the size of melons that had vitemin d milk.

Alfred: Uh... there wasn't originally a "Betty Wayne" in the comics, was there?

Electra: Of course not, even I know that and I don't even read comic books. She's probably just going to be some trumped-up version of batman but with boobs because the author wants to fantasize about a busty woman in tights. Obviously this story was written by a man who needs to get out of the house more... or a lesbian that needs to get out of the house more.

Opal: Print("Though based on my research, I do admit she does seem conceptually similar to the silver-age incarnation of Batwoman, minus the part about being a possible love interest  At least I hope she's not a love interest."); eye_twitch();

"Cousin" Betty Wayne said.

"Hello." Says Bruce Waine.

"Now we must stop crime."

Alfred: Well that was sudden. STOP

Bruce Waine nodded and Betty Waine entered car. they drove back to gotham and went to back cave where Bruce Waine put on his batsuit and Betty Waine but on Bat Bikini.

Alfred: Criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot. Also they are all horny men! STOP

Electra: And lesbians.

Alfred: ...right. horny straight men or lesbians! STOP

Electra: Or bisexuals.

Alfred: ...Right. All criminals are straight men horny, lesbians or bisexuals of either gender! ...wait, that came out wrong. Good thing Kankri's not here to see this. STOP

===MEANWHILE===

Kankri: P9litical... c9rrectlness... senses... tingling! Quick, to the 69wdlerm96ile!

========

Batman and Batcousin go to middle of Gothham and lok for crime. Soon Too-Face comes to center and looks at Batman.

Electra: Step 1; frame batman for murder. Step 2; confront batman in public area and brag about plan. Step 3: Get beaten up and go to jail! It's brillaint, brillant! MWA HA HA HA- wait...

"You are ded" say Batman.

"Only my one face is dead. I have two!" Too-Face yell at Batman.

"Well I kill other face and make you deadface!" Batman is saying.

Alfred: *wearing sunglasses* Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude! Deadface has got to be the most radical name for a supervillain ever! STOP

Batman through Batarang and it hit Too-Face but it only destoryed nonvital organs like Intestanes and liver and bladder.

Lant: Because of course who needs to digest food and filter environmental toxins anyway?

"That did not even hurt silly Bat." Too0Face laughed.

Alfred: In fact, I'm doing so many drugs that I barely feel anything anymore.

Too-face jhumped at Batman and and tackle him to ground. Batcousin grbbed a hammer and smash Too-Faces two faces.

"Your corpse has been grinded" Batcousin yelled as raise bloody hummer over head.

Lant: 




Alfred: Um, yeah. Batman? Don't you have a no-kill rule? Arn't you going to say something about this? STOP.

Lant: 




Alfred: I guess not then. STOP.

But Killer Croc jump out of Bush and Bush and grab Too-Face'ses body.

Electra: A new challenger approaches?

"Roar" Killer croc yelled and ran off. "We fix Too-Face and we kill you all." Then showed Batman that he capture Morgan Freeman.

"No! Morgan Freeman!" Batman yelled but was too late to be rescue him.

Morgan Freeman dropped geologist's hammer and Batman picked it up.

"I shall take this. And someday soon I will return it to you. Morgan Freeman."

Opal: Print("Are you referring to Morgan Freeman the actor, or the character that Morgan Freeman plays in The Dark Knight Trilogy?")

Alfred: Given all the pointless cameos that appear in this story, who can say for sure? STOP

Camera zoomed out of Batman and light faded.

Electra: Whatever you do, don't let this author anywhere near a camera.

TOBE Continyoued


Lant:



Alfred: Okay, Lant? I know it was funny the first few times Karkat did it, but we really need you here. STOP

Lant: Yeah, sorry about that. just spacing out there.


Electra: How much longer are those plebians going to be? 

Tavros-42: oH NO, i'VE BEEN PUNCHED IN THE FACE, nOW I'LL FALL OVER DUE TO GRAVITY AND HIT MY HEAD ON THE GROUND, aND THE FORCE OF THE IMPACT WILL COMPOUND MY PAIN,

Caliborn-42: HA HA! I AM LAuGHING BECAuSE I AM EVIL AND I LOVE TO SEE YOu SuFFER, AND SINCE MY SPECIES HAS A COMPLETELY ALIEN PSYCHOLOGY YOu ALL THINK I AM CRAZY WHEN IN FACT I AM ACTuALLY QuITE SANE!

Bob: Just a bit longer. It looks like they're almost done.

Chatper 2

Comissioner Gordon's brother Comissioner John

Lant: Who, again, was completely made up for this story.

was sitting at cumputer shawping for money.

Electra: Two questions. What kinda website lets you "shop for money". And more importantly how do I get started?

Sudently he got email from Comissioner Gordon. "Brother our brother Morgan Freeman isinprizoned by the evil forces of villians!

Alfred: I guess the Gordons are black in this universe, because how else would Morgan Freeman be the commissioner's brother? STOP

We need to help Batman shave him."

Opal: Print( "Because as we all know you can't fight crime without a clean-shaven face.")

Comissioner John Freeman thn got in AMC Pacer and drove to Gotham to meet Comissioner Gordan Freeman.

Alfred: Oh, my mistake. Gordon is his first name, not last. And apparently this now a Half Life crossover... as well as a Full Life Consequences crossover.

Lant: This is what we're dealing with people. An author who isn't just trying to ruin Batman, but he's also trying to ruin "Full Life Consiquences" of all things.

"I am here brother." Comissioner John Freeman said to Comissioner Gordon Freeman.

Electra: Wait, so they're both commissioners? Are they like, dual freeman commissioners?

Opal: Print("That does seem highly imporbable.\n It must be similar to how one becomes the Dual Juggalo Presidents of the United States.")

Alfred: Lets not get into that right now. STOP

They meet Batman and Batcousin in center of ham.

Alfred: Yes, the Giant Pig of Gotham is one of the city's lesser-known landmarks. STOP

"We are gsdja here" said the Freemans.

Opal: Print("Would you mind repeating yourself? I didn't quite get that.")

"Good" say Batman. "We must find bad guys now and rekill Too-Face again."

Lant: BATMAN. DOES NOT. KILL PEOPLE. GET. THAT. THOUGH. YOUR. SKULL.

"I has idea wear are villians being at now" Said Batcousin as she began to sweat in tight bikini.

Electra: *sigh* "fanservice". And people wonder why I wear full-plate armor all the time...

"Let's go."

Batman, Batcousin, and the Freemans go to a bar called Teh Mad Hater's bar four evil people.

Lant: The Mad Hatter was always the master of subtlety.

"You r right Batcuosin." Batman sex.

Lant: NO NO NO NO NO okay it's probably a typo but NO NO NO NO NO!

"I see villiwans here. We must see if Killer Cork went in here."

Opal: Print("I'm picturing a man shooting explosive wine bottles from his fingers.")

Batman goes up to bartender. "Can you tell me if Killer Clock is here?" Batman ask him.

"No" bartender yell. "Because you are Batman and me am Mad Hater."

"Oh no!" Batman cry.

Alfred: Smooth one, Batman. STOP

Electra: Yeah, I can see why he's "the world's greatest detective".

Bartender pulls out tommy gun and shoot Batman, but Batcousin jump in way and bullets stop because they don't want to hert her.

Alfred: Damn it, my A.I. bullets have learned the true meaning of love again. I knew I shouldn't have stored them next to that radioactive tesla coil.

"Good thing bulltes nice or you wuld lose boobs." Said Batman.

Electra: ...

Opal: Print("I should take the time to point out that my species does not in fact have mammaries.");

Batcousin then take wepon and turn Mad Hater into pile of ash.

Alfred: Violence solves everything! STOP

Everyone clap except Joker who stab Batman with fork in soldur.

Lant: What, no joke? No setup? No "I hope you got the point, batsey"?

Electra: You're assuming this author has an original bone in his body.

"I has dying Batcousin!" Batman say to Batcousin.

Alfred: And then Batman danube his dying and happy again. STOP
...It's an in-joke. don't worry, I'll explain that one eventually. STOP

"I can heal you Batman." Say Batcousin woh heals Batman.

"I feel even better than has ever." Batman say and punch Joker.

Electra: *Phew*, disaster averted. I was worried for a moment that there would be some actual tension here.

"Ow!" Joker says. "Why so Serious?"

Batcousin kick joker and he catch and fire and die.

Alfred: Well I'd say that's an appropriate response to that overused meme, aside from the dying part. Why was he on fire again? STOP

Now Batman break down door and see Riddler and his cousin Riddlercousin.

Lant: Because that's what we need! More pointless relatives!

"One of us always lies" Riddler say.

"And one of us tell truth." Riddlercousin say.

Opal: Print ("This of course is the Knights and Knaves scenario, a classic logic puzzle where the goal is to come up with a question that can discern which of two doors is the right way out when one guard lies and one guard tells the truth.\n Of course the lack of the goal kind of misses the point of the problem, but then again as we shall soon see Batcousin's deduction renders the puzzle irrelevant anyway.")

"You're both lying and you should feel very bad four lying." Said Batcousin.

"Wow I no didn't even think no that yes." That say Batman.

Alfred: WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE! STOP

"We is sorry." Riddler and Riddlercousin say and die.

Lant: ...even by 60's "Superfriends" Riddler's standards that was kind of pathetic.

Killer Croc enters rom.

"I still has Morgan Freeman and I won't let him go." He crack L.

Alfred: Uh... wait, I think I forgot about what the next step was. Can we have a do-over?

"Let him go!" Freemans say.

"No I will not let him go." Croc say.

"Let him go!" Freemans say.

"No I will not let him go." Croc say.

"Let him go!" Freemans say.

"No I will not let him go." Croc say.

"Let him go!" Freemans say.

"No I will not let him go." Croc say.

"Let me go." Morgan Freeman shout

Alfred: 
Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go.
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for meeee
for meeeeeeeee
for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

but Croc run away with him.

Batcosuin fire wepon at Croc but he is too strong.

As Croc run away he says "And I steel Jonas Brothers too! Now Girls will cry and recession will become depression!"

Electra: Eh. You can keep 'em.

TOBE CONTINYOUED

Alfred: So how's the battle coming? STOP

Lant: Well it looks like they've beaten Caliborn, but now they're stuck fighting some obscure Doom Patrol villain.

Red Jack: Cower, foolish mortals, for I am God! Also, I am Jack the Ripper as well.

Dave-42: if you say so.

Pinkie-42: Does that mean you could make a bolder too heavy for you to lift?

Red Jack: Yes. I just don't feel like it right now.

Alfred: Onto chapter three, then. STOP

Batman has sad. Economy was depressed and nooone could fix it because economy need bands like Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber and Cannibal Corpse too fix it from being broken which it was because of Killer Croc breaking it.

Alfred: Given how singularly dependent society is on these people, I deduce that this story takes place in a dystopian future where one hundred percent of our resources are dedicated to following famous celebrities and giving them our money.

Electra: As opposed to the ninety percent you humans already spend doing that.

"We must leave bar and find Morgan Freeman" said Batcousin.

And then they exit door and bar explodes because everyone in it was dead and gravity.

Opal: Print("You know Batman must spend a fortune on earplugs given the number of explosions he has to walk away from.")

But Joker crawl out of rubble.

"I help you Batman because your Batcousin is nice." The Joker said. "I has good guy this time." The Poker said.

Lant: And if you believe that, I have a bridge I want to sell you.

but then police come and shoot Joker because he crime make.

Electra: Yeah, nice of you to come after the building explodes.

"Batman I ma dying." Joker said and die.

Batcousin then and cries because clowns can only die twice.

Alfred: "Clowns only Die Twice"... that's a good band name!

Then they leave bar that wasn't bar because it was flaming bircks but also wasn't

Opal: Print("Shrodinger's cat strike again.")

and go to Wall Street because they here Too-Face lives there because that's where lawyers go.

Alfred: There was no other place lawyers are allowed to be, ONLY Wall Street.

Batcousin drives them to Wall Street in AMC Pacer.

Lant:


Yeah, the AMC Pacer is waaay cooler than the batmobile.

"It is time to kill Too-Face and let happenus come." Batman reply.

They break into NAZDACK HQ

Opal: Print("Which is on Broadway, and nowhere near wall street.")

and find Catwimman with gun pointed at them. Batcousin kisses Catwimman and she put down gun and cry fall.

Electra: So much for feminism...

"I didn't no." Catwimman says and run away and die.

Lant: Oh come on! Catwoman is a major member of the bat-family! You can't just kill her off so sudden-



GOD DAMN IT.

Then Killer Croc cone and say "I also kidnap Tom from Myspace

Alfred: "NO! NOT TOM FROM MYSPACE!" ...is what I would be saying if I knew who that was.

and now have him hostage with other now with Too-Face." And he run up stars and drop bomb in front of Batman.

TOBE CONTINTUED

Electra: Are they done yet?

Lant: Nope. Now Red Jack is holding up the fight by arguing with the Brotherhood of Dada.

Red Jack: ...and I say I'm the more symbolic one! Look! I have a wall full of butterflies! That means something!

Mr. Nobody: Oh yeah, well I say I'm the more symbolic one! Look, my head is a question mark! It means nothing, so it must mean something!

Men From N.O.W.H.E.R.E.: Never Overestimate Worth, Here Everyone Rejects Everything.

Red Jack: Oh, great, it's the Men From N.O.W.H.E.R.E.

Mr. Nobody: Who invited those losers?

John-42: can i just say something?

Red Jack: No.

Mr. Nobody: No.

Men From N.O.W.H.E.R.E.: Neglect Outright.

Alfred: One more chapter, then? STOP

Lant: Yeah.

Batman and Batcousin and Commisoner Gordan Freeman and Commisoner John Freeman Ran up stars and chase Killer Croc.

Opal: Load_Meme("Stars.png");



They run up and see Liam Neeson. "Batman I am here to help you because I am not evil." Liam Neeson said. 

Lant: Okay... I admit I haven't seen Batman Begins, but apparently the author is not referring to Liam Neeson the actor, but rather Henri Ducard, the character he played in Batman Begins. Created by the Sam Hamm, the screenwriter of the 1989 Batman movie, Henri Ducard was retconned into being sort of a mentor figure to a young Bruce Wayne and eventually became a mentor Tim Drake, the third Robin. However they eventually parted ways because Henri was all too eager to kill, a line that Batman was not willing to cross. In the Dark Knight Trilogy, Henri (who is still a mentor figure to Batman in this continuity) is revealed to be the true identity of Ra's al Ghul, while in the comics they are separate characters. This is why "Liam Neeson" (aka Henri), needs to convince batman that he isn't evil, though batman would realistically have to be dumber than a sack of rocks to trust him so quickly.

Batman find robot suit and put it on. "I am just like Guy Fawkes's friend Ned Ludd." Say Batman.

Alfred: Um, no you're not. Ned Ludd was a guy who violently rejected technology. You on the other hand are using a robot suit, which is kind of the opposite. STOP

Opal: Print("Also, Guy Fawks and Ned Ludd were born over a hundred years apart, assuming Ludd existed at all.")

Killer Croc jumps out of closet and tackles Robatman. Bat cousin grabe Killer Croc and punch him and had ans it explod. 

"3" says Liam Neeson.

Electra: Wow, Liam Neeson is a jerk!

Killer Croc say "I am not dead yet." 

Lant: HOW?! YOU JUST EXPLODED!

and Punch Robatman agaIN. ROBAtman cries but Batcousin shove Croc in blender and turn him to ice cream.

Lant: That's just... wow. That was so incredibly stupid that I don't even know where to begin. But I'll try. 
Number one: Why does killer croc turn into ice cream when he dies?
Number two: No seriously, why does killer croc turn into ice cream when he dies?
Number three: I'm still too hung up on this go any further. I mean... ice cream? Really?

"This is door to Bad guys an evil" Say Liam Neeson. "We must go in."

"I'll open up" Say Batcousin.

They weight wand weight aand weight.

"let's do it" Robatman say covered in sweat,

They braek bown dhore two Too-Face. "I am hear." Said Too-Face "and now I have For Face." For-Face sayed.

BUM BUM BUM

Electra: "Four-Face?" Really?

Batman cries and fall to ground.

Alfred: Four-face had reminded him about how his parents were deeeeead! STOP

"Oh noooooooo." He yell. "He will kill use."

Lant: Yes, please do. ...wait, did I just tell Batman to die? What the hell is wrong with me today?

For-Face stand up with four faces and tommy gun and AK-47.

"Now you die Batpeople and other people. Forever." For-Face said.

TO BE CONTINHUED

Electra: End of chapter. Now are they done?

Red Jack: No, YOU'RE stupid!

Mr. Nobody: No, YOU'RE stupid!

Red Jack: No, YOU'RE stupid!

Mr. Nobody: No, YOU'RE stupid!

Red Jack: No, YOU'RE stupid!

Mr. Nobody: No, YOU'RE stupid!

Red Jack: No, YOU'RE stupid!

Mr. Nobody: No, YOU'RE stupid!

Monitor #45: We should do something!

Monitor #46: Should we do something?

Red Jack: No, YOU'RE stupid!

Mr. Nobody: No, YOU'RE stupid!

Red Jack: No, YOU'RE stupid!

Mr. Nobody: No, YOU'RE stupid!

Red Jack: No, YOU'RE stupid!

Mr. Nobody: No, YOU'RE stupid!

Men From N.O.W.H.E.R.E.: Never Omit We?

Red Jack and Mr. Nobody: STAY OUT OF THIS!

Red Jack: No, YOU'RE stupid!

Mr. Nobody: No, YOU'RE stupid!

Electra: Oh for the love of all that is pure will these guys ever SHUT UP!?

Jade-42: oh im sure theyll wear themselves out eventualy.

John-42: so who are you guys anyway?

Alfred: Dimensional travelers. We're looking for a guy named Phelous, have you seen him? STOP

John-42: oh you mean phelousman. he's right over there fighting his arch nemisis.

Haloweenie: Foolish fools of foolishness! I, HALOOWEENIE! Have come to DEVOUR YOUR SOU-
I mean I am going to use NEVER GAS to KILL EVERYONE IN THE-
I mean I am going to rob a bank in a manner compliant with the comics code authority. Ha ha ha.

Phelous-42: Stand back, Super Obscurus Lupa! I, Phelousman, will protect you from the evil that is afoot!

Obscurus Lupa-42: Uh, okeey. Whatever you say, Phelan.

Halloweenie: I think not! Because I have the most terrifying secret of all! I was actually YOU ALL ALONG!

Phelous-42: OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Alfred: Uh... we're actually looking for our world's version of Phelous.

John-42: oh. well we've seen him, too. we'll tell you where he went off to right after Red Jack and Mr. Nobody finish arguing with each other.

Mr. Nobody: No, YOU'RE stupid!

Red Jack: No, YOU'RE stupid!

Mr. Nobody: No, YOU'RE stupid!

Red Jack: No, YOU'RE stupid!

Opal: Print("*sigh*")

Lant: ...What's wrong?

Opal: Print("...oh, nothing. This just reminds me of home, is all.")

Lant: What do you mean?

Bob: Thank's to Dave Strider's method of repairing the Orrery, Opal's world became yet another world where all humans have super powers, albeit one where they live alongside Pokemon as well.

Opal: Print("We call them 'Talents' on our world, and unless they're Psychic every human has exactly one Talent...")

Alfred: Oh, you mean like in "Xanth"! STOP

Opal: Print("Like in what?")

Alfred: You know, Xanth. It's a book series. STOP

Opal: Print("...never heard of it. Anyway as I was saying, ""Talents"" first showed up five hundred years ago, though no one has quite figured out a reason why.")

Lant: So where do you fit into all of this?

Opal: Print("Me?")

Lant: Yeah, I mean... were you always a Pokemon?

Opal: Print("Yes, I was. As I said, it's kind of a long story...")


Mr. Nobody: No, YOU'RE stupid!

Red Jack: No, YOU'RE stupid!

Opal: Print("...then again, it looks like I have time to tell it. \n As I said, we're not literally sisters; Jade's mother (Jade Edwards, that is, not Jade Harley) was a pokemon breeder who died during childbirth, and my mother was her favorite pokemon, who died of grief shortly afterwards.")

Electra: Death by childbirth? What a cliche... 

Alfred: Electra! STOP

Opal: Print("No, it's okay; it is a bit of a cliche.\n In any case, Jade's mother had a condition...")

Electra: Let me guess; it was one of those vague, incurable coughs of death, and she was taken advantage of by someone pretending to love her who abandoned the baby after she died. What a sob story.

Lant: You're a very cynical person, you know that?

Electra: Well at least I'm not a crybaby.

Lant: ...I'm not a crybaby. In fact I'm arguably one of the most stoic guys here.

Electra: Oh yeah? Then what do you think about Lian Harper?

Lant: Noooooooooooooo! Why did she have to die, Robinson, whyyyyyy!?  *Sob* *Sob**Sob*

Alfred: Um. Right. So... what exactly did she die of?

Opal: Print("Gigantism-related heart complications.\n Her Talent was that her Aura, a semi mystical force that comes from all living creatures, was incredibly strong.\n But she lacked the means to control it, so it was constantly running on overdrive.  As a result, she had to live alone for most of her life, as her strength was enhanced to the point that she could break someone's arm just by trying to give them a handshake.\n But the bigger problem was that she wouldn't stop growing.\n I don't understand the science behind it, but a strong enough Aura can cause living tissue to regenerate.\n In Jade's mother's case, we believe what happened was that her body used the excess energy to create new cells instead of regenerating old ones.")

Electra: ...wouldn't that just give her cancer?

Opal: Print("You'd think so, but in our world science has never been an exact... well, science./n In any case, Jade's mother didn't have enough money to afford an artificial heart, so strain of pumping all that blood through her massive body began to take a toll...")

Lant: Oh geez... I'm sorry to hear that. STOP

Opal: Print("No, it's allright.\n Neither of us knew her, and father has been more than kind to us...")

Electra: ...So what happened to the father? The biological father, that is.

Opal: Print("I'm... less certain about that.\n All I know is that our adoptive father knew Jade's biological father, and that he was apparently very remorseful to give us up.\n But our father was his closest friend, and he trusted him above all else to take good care of us.\n In fact, he was the one who suggested that we be raised together as sisters...")

Mr. Nobody: No, YOU'RE stupid!

Red Jack: No, YOU'RE stupid!

Mr. Nobody: No, YOU'RE stupid!

Red Jack: No, YOU'RE stupid!

Mr. Nobody: No, YOU'RE stupid!

Red Jack: No, YOU'RE stu-

Electra: SHADDUP ALREADY! *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG*

Red Jack: -stu...pid... *DEAD*

The Men From N.O.W.H.E.R.E.: Now Obivion Waits... *DEAD*

Mr. Nobody: The Riddle... I finally understand! the answer... was love. *DEAD*

Lant: 0_0

Alfred: 0_0

Opal: Print("0_0");

John-42: 0_0

Electra: ...what? Don't look at me like that! We were all getting sick of those three bickering!

John-42: well i guess were done here?

Dave-42: apparently. so youre looking for your phelous guy now??

Alfred: Uh, yes. Yes we have.

Dave-42: he said something about going to earth 39.

Bob: Right! To Earth-39 we go!

DETECTIVE


=====MEANWHILE, IN A PRISON ON THE EDGE OF SPACETIME=====

Caliborn: MAN, GETTING HERE WAS A PAIN IN THE ASS. BUT NOW THAT I AM, THE TIME HAS FINALLY COME FOR ME TO... RELEASE THE BEAST!!!!!!!!!!!

Caius Ballad: Hello.

Caliborn: AAH! WHEN DID YOu GET HERE?!

Caius Ballad: Ten minutes ago. Normally I would warn you that you have no idea what kind of madness you're about to unleash upon this spacetime, but honestly I have doubts that you ever have any idea about anything you do, ever.

Caliborn: OH I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M GOING TO DO... I'M GOING TO RELEASE THE  BEAST!

Paddra Nsu-Yeul: ...You know, no matter how many times you say it that phrase isn't going to catch.

Caliborn: WHAT, "RELEASE THE BEAST"?

Yeul: Yes. It sounds very dumb.

Caliborn: WELL FUCK YOu, BITCH. YOu OBVIOUSLY DON'T KNOW HOW MEANINGFULNESS WORKS.

Yeul: Enlighten me, then.

Caliborn: BASICLY THE THE MORE OFTEN YOu SAY THE ARC WORDS, THE MORE MEANINGFUL THEY BECOME EVEN IF THEY DON'T ACTuALLY MEAN ANYTHING OF IF THEY SOUND POSITIVELY RETARDED. BESIDES, YOu'RE JUST AS GuILTY AS I AM WHEN IT COMES TO THAT. "IF YOU CHANGE THE FuTuRE, YOu ALSO CHANGE THE PAST"? MORE LIKE, "WHEN YOU CHANGE THE FUTURE, YOu'RE ALSO BEING REALLY DuMB AND STUFF"!

Caius: We are being a bit hypocritical, I'll concede that much...

Caliborn: COMPuTER! PASSWORD: ONE TWO THREE FOuR FIVE!

Computer: Password accepted. Now "releasing the beast"...

Caius: *Facepalm*

TO BE CONTINUED!

4 comments:

  1. For a second I thought he meant something else by 'release the beast'.

    ReplyDelete
  2. It's a reference to "The Purge" and it's ridiculous arc words, "Release the Beast".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Even without context I find it funny.

      Delete
  3. I've read this like three times. Why?

    ReplyDelete