Sunday, December 22, 2013

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance From the Year 3000 Episode 43

Glorious Godfrey: IIIIIIT'S Time, for Apokalips 's favorite game: APOCKALYPSE BAAAAAAAALLLL!

*Crowd cheers*

Glorious Godfrey: Tonight we have a real treat for you; mortal from the planet earth who think they can stand up to Lord Darksied! Give it up for THE MORONS!

*Crowd boos*

Kanaya: I Hate This Planet

Porrim: And I'm sure the planet hates yo+u back.

Glorious Godfrey: Now, the rules are simple. You must either get past a labyrinth filled with the deadliest traps imaginable, and evade Darksied's mightest warriors armed with lava bats and bring your ball to the opposing team's endzone before they kill you...

Rose: Or?

Glorious Godfrey: ...or you must read this, the worst fanfiction in the universe!

Roxy: ...yeah, i think were gonna go for the ball game.

Glorious Godfrey: Well it's your funeral! Let's get ready to rumbuuuuuuuule! 

*Everyone emerges from a portal.*

Electra Pendragon: Well that could have gone better.

Lant Kreck: I told you my street lingo was rusty! It's not my fault that the difference between the phrase for "thank you for your kindness" and "I will behead your Lusus and leave it's decapitated corpse it in your bedsheet" was so subtle! Besides, Alfred was doing that horrible italian accent through all three of those chapters.

Alfred Smith: Sorry, I just couldn't help it. So, uh, where are we again? STOP

Monitor Bob: We are on Earth-51, a world where Dave Strider went on a one-man crusade against all that is evil.

Electra: How did that go?

John-51: i'm so glad that dave strider got rid of all the evil in the world! with lord english and doc scratch dead, princess feferi brought the remaining alternians to earth and used their advanced technology to destroy pollution forever!

Jade-51: I also love how the world has near-infinite resources thanks to the alchemiter, and world peace thanks to the diplomatic policies president morgan freeman!

Karkat-51: And I thanks to the anger management classes I took after arriving on earth, I am now a calm, collected person who is happily married to Eridan, who in the preceding years learned to become the kind and sensitive soul he always wanted to be!

Eridan-51: group hug evveryone <3

*everyone shares a group hug*

John-51: now let's go out and see con air 3! the newspaper said it's supposed to be even better than the last two movies!

Alfred: I guess it worked pretty well then. STOP

Opal: Print("Attention, everyone. My DNA scanners are picking up Phelous' signature somewhere nearby..."\n)

Phelous: Heloooooo and I'm The Nostalgia Phelous, creator of, the most important movie review site in the world! And today we're going to review James Cameron's "Green Lantern", a movie that is arguably greater than the near-perfect Justice League movie it spun off into. *looks to the side* oh, uh... hi guys I've never seen before. What brings you to this neck of the woods?

Electra: Knock off the act, Phelous. We know you're from our world, and we're here to bring you back.

Phelous: Really? Does that mean that the love people have for my movie reviews transcends time and space, guiding you to me like a shining beacon of hope despriate to return to it's rightful place?

Lant: Actually we just need you to save the multiverse and stuff because a big wall said so.

Phelous: Oh. Okay then. *removes hat* I was getting tired of this whole "perfect universe" thing anyway.

Alfred: What exactly are you doing here, anyway? Didn't you die last season?

Phelous: Well you see, I kind of felt like nobody appreciated me, so I faked my death and went to this alternate dimension, where an alternate Phelous had just conveniently died of bad writing disease, so I decided to take over for him as the highly successful entrepreneur / internet reviewer / millionaire venture capitalist.

Alfred: What's bad writing disease?

Phelous: It's this really deadly thing that's going around with no cure that causes people to die when dramatically convenient.  There's no cure, and the only way to become immune is to read chapters 4-8 of Invader Zim: Born Again Christian. Like, right now.

Lant: This is a completely believable explanation and now we will read fanfiction.

AN: That BALF WORLD Bloog was givin story spollers for this chapter I dunno how they noed it so STOP SPIN ON ME U FLAMTER TROLL!

ALSO I chanjed my mind this chapter ill have a lot of akshun 2.
CHAPTER FORE: Battle for Zooy

Its had been a few days sinse I Christiened Zim an we hadont see eech otter, I was bissy wif Skool an bakin out wit Nee.

Lant Kreck: You know, the canon version of Johnny has this "thing" about being touched, let alone making out with someone.

I was playin Portal 2 coop on my praystation 

Electra: Boooooo.

(lol geddit, its lick a spesal Christan playstashun for Christians that only Christan pepole can use it that has crossifixes an stuff on it).

Lant: Yes, the joke is much funnier now that you've explained it to us.

Phelous: HA HA HA, oh you see you see, they explained a joke that wasn't funny, so we explained why the joke wasn't funny, thus making the joke funny again! ...except we just explained why our joke was funny so... uh... IT'S NOT WIERD!

“So wen are u comin to visit?” I saked to my sistar Zooy who I was playin. “Me an my BF are on a plane now SUPRIZE!11″

Alfred: That was such a dissapointing surprise that it doesn't even deserve a sarcastic "what a twist". STOP

I o-mouthed it was soo eksitin to see Zooy a gain an find ot who her boyfrend is.

“Cum on down to the areport to meet us an be sure to bring ur frends I cant wate to meet them!” 

Lant: Given that she's hanging out with a homicidal maniac and an evil alien, this is not going to end well. Or at least it would if anyone was in character.

She huged up the cell fone so I went ot to bring Zim an Nee. Firsti went to Zims hosu were thigns was VERAY diffrant than wen I last seed them. Alls the elf things was replased by giant crossifixes wif happied Jesoss on them an they waved hi.

Alfred: Well that's a frightening mental image. STOP.

“Hi Goloria Ill be owt in a minuet.” Onna the Jesus sayd I gess it was a speeker or sometin.

Zim came ot the door flowed by Gir but Zim had gotted his antennes peersed an had crossifix earings in them now.

Opal: Print("Most likely depriving him of some sort of essential sensory function in the mean time. \n then again, Zim does have a poor track record when it comes to making decisions.")

“Lol dose anyoen no were Nee lifes?” Zim an Gir nodded no with heads 

Electra: Apparently Johnny isn't the only homicidal maniac around here, given the trophies GIR collected.

this wud be diffulct.

I thot bout were I cold find him wen gess who showed up? It was… Gaz!2!

Alfred: Yes, Gaz 2.0, with even more bitter indifference and sarcasm.

“Hey did u guys see Dib he hasnat come hom in a long time an im worry of him.” She was shakin with scare.

Phelous: Oh, Gaz is also out of character. What a complete surprise.

“Hes ben crazy lately 

Electra: You know, because Dib has just been a paragon of mental stability up until now.

an Im worry hell do somethin bad an rahs.” 

Zim angried at the menton of Dip’s name. “Dont worry bout him hes just a jork.” Zimmed him 

Electra: "Zimmed?" What does that even mean?

Opal: Print("Zimmed.\n 1. Noun: The act of doing something that Zim would do.\n Synonyms: Being a moron.\n Antonyms: Danube.")

Electra: How long has that been in the dictionary?

Opal: Print ("Ever since Strider hacked into the Oxford dictionary servers.")

an I nooded for backup.

“BTW has u seen Nee were lookin for him?” I addled an Gaz thotted for a minuet then… “Oh yah hes over there.” She ponted to a conventence store an I cold see a fite was goin down.
Nee was insyde killin sum gangers who were tryin a rob the plase. Theey was… the Teen Ragers!

“Gloria get ot of here, these gus are drugged up an lethal!1″

Alfred: Unlike me, of course. I'm perfectly safe! STOP

Nee taked out sum trhowin stars an stared them at the Teen Ragers so a cople died but most didant.

Electra: Try to be a bit more careful with those things! I mean, do you have any idea how hard it is to find quality shurken in this day in age? It's gotten to the point where the only reliable way to get them is denounce a ninja clan in broad daylight and loot them off the bodies of the assassins they send.

Alfred: Isn't that kinda dangerous?

Electra: Not if you challenge them all at once.

Alfred: Ah, right. Almost forgot the inverse ninja law.

“Uts 2 bad u wont get to see are new member sinse well kill u first.” 

Phelous: And it was indeed too bad, because they all died in the ensuing fight. Merry Christmas!

PrettayGood lolled an me an Nee an Zim all o-mouthed. 

Lant: Okay. Dude. "O-mouthed" is not a word. Don't make words up if you don't know what to say!

Alfred: Lant expositionated plarbivitaly. STOP

“New mumber?” “Yes he is doin his initashun now!”

Opal: Print("Given the extreme black-and-white morality that MarrisaTheWriter uses in her works, I'm going to assume that this initiation involves rape, murder, drugs, or some combination of the three.")

Then I goat a call on my cell fone it was…. Zooy!111! “Sis help a big hed guy is tryin to kill me an my BF at da areport cum qwik!11″

Alfred: I mean I could have called the police, but I think my little sister would be much more helpful.

This was relay bad news Nee loked at me an said “Go an safe her Gloria Ill hold of these b******.” 

Lant: I just love how this author doesn't seem to know if she wants swearing in her story or not, so she just goes in halfsies and replaces the naughty bits with asterisks.

So Zim n me an Gir wented to the areport. “Not so fast b****!1!” Prettaydok excreamed an throwed a motzletov coketail at me.

Alfred: Hey kids, you can make a motzletov cocktail at home! All you need is 8 oz. of 80-proof vodka, a tablespoon of ginger, a quarter-pint of turpentine, and a 12 oz. of rat poison!

Edrobot: He's kidding. Don't really do this, you will die. This is a disclaimer so that we don't get sued.

Zim pooshed me ot of way so the expold hit Gir instate.


Alfred: I mean, I know metal isn't flammable and Gir is a space-age robot made with replaceable parts who's suffered much worse abuse over the course of the series and as such he realistically should not be in any danger BUT WHAT IF HE IS!? STOP.

I sadded but Zim graped my hand “We have to go NOW.” So we dit.

Lant: Wow. What a daring escape.

We ran down streets an I was textin Zooy to loachasun her but we was goin to slow. “Wate I have a idean.” Zim ranned of an came back with… his VOOT CROOSER!1

Alfred: At this point, I think Zim's kinda given up with the whole "disguise" thing. STOP

“We can use this to find her fast.” I jumbed inside the Crooser an we wented more faster than the sped of lite an were alreddy at the areport.

Opal: "Which realistically should have exploded the entire city, but then again this series isn't exactly known for strict adherence to science."

There I sawed it:
A plane had crushed inot the side wall an there was tons of ded dudes an blood an guts an gross 

Lant: You know, if this fanfic were anywhere near mainstream we'd have a mass of people screaming to have this chapter pulled down faster than the eruption of Mount Vesuvius.

Alfred: Dude, a joke about Pompeii? Too soon.

an Zooy was tied up wif a swatchblade at her throte held by… DIB!211

Electra: Given how they freak out if you try to bring a nail clipper aboard, I kind of doubt that they'd let in a switchblade.

“I shuda nown that f***** wud do sometin lik this.” Zim smassed his fist on da dashbard but that was a bad thin becos it made the Crooser fall don to Earth!

Electra: What a moron.

“Well well wall, if it innit Zim an Gloria Deschannel, yur just in time to see me kill yur sistar an become a full TEEN RAGER.” Dib lolled with evil. 

Alfred: Are you sure that that's really Dib? Seriously: this is the sort of stuff that Zim would be saying. Aside from a few descriptions, you could changes the names around and noone would even notice. STOP.

“Gloria stop its trap!” 

Opal: LoadMeme("Trap")

Electra: Are we ever going to stop playing these clips?

Alfred: Only if everyone stops being such rubbish writers. STOP

Zooy yelled but I didant care I had to safe my sistar so I ran fastly up to here an steped on a rope that made big anvul fall on Zooy to kill her!2

Lant: *clap* *clap* Congratulations, with that cartoonish deathtrap you just ruined whatever drama that scene could have had.

Electra: Where did he even get an anvil, anway? You can't just buy them at a store, people.

“NOT SOO FAST U BLOODY WONKER!2!1″ Britished a guy an he shoted the anvil so it move an didant hit Zooy. 

Alfred: That was either a very powerful gun, or a very sucky anvil. STOP

Opal: Print("By my calculations, a bullet from a gun would need to be traveling over 2000 meters per second to harm the anvil in any significant way.\n To put that in perspective, that's about as fast the moon's escape velocity.") 

“Noone soddin messes wif my GIRLFREND!” He was sooper tall an blonde wit glazes it was…. STEFEN MERCHANT!


Dave: hey karkat i read ahead in that dumb zim story and guess what. it turned out that stephen merchant was the sister's boyfriend all along.



“OMG sis yur BF ibs Stepen Merchult?” Zooy notted “Yep I told u wud lick him lol.”

Lant: I really hope that wasn't an invitation for a threesome. Hell, given how messed up some of these fanfics are it might as well be.

Steven got a angary at Dib for tryin a kill his girl. “Allrite u bugger bloke get reddy to wankin PAY!”

Alfred: Remember, in the world of bad fanfiction british people are required by law to use the words bugger, bloke, wanker, and sodding in every sentence, even if it sounds really dumb. STOP

It was Nee an the Teen Ragers! “Dib u didant killer so u loose yur ination.” PrettyDoog said an they charged at Dip to beet him up so Dib ran way an we wased safed. 

Electra: Truly there is no honor among thieves. 

“I tole them bout Dib so we made a temprary allience, Ill defeet them latur.” Nee etsplained.

Alfred: Of course if Dib did manage to pass his initiation, they'd be aligned with Dib and have no choice but to beat themselves up. STOP

“My Heero!” I raned up an smooched Nee all hard but Zim mad sum gaggin noses.

Alfred: Zim Log, Stardate 135... something something. My plan to make an army of giant noses to help me take over the world hit a snag today when they all choked to death on their own mucus. I must remember to give them more breathing holes next time. STOP

“That was buggerin cloose mates we need to get otta here.” Stephen britished 

Opal: Print("Britished \n Noun: A "trap word" used to signify terrible writing.")

so we alls got in Zims Voot Crooser an droved of.

Meanwile! Dib was all bet up at the Teen Rager hidout, the otters were all druggin an beerin.

Phelous: Yeah, I know that it's dangerous to take drugs AND alcohol at the same time, but I'm a rebel! Nobody tells me what to HRRK- *falls to the floor*

“U onlee got one more chanse Dip or well have to kill u.” PrettyDok burbed. “Dont worry I gotta backup plan, theres a football game soon an Zim will lofe it “to deth” lol!”

Phelous: Ha ha, he sad "death".

Alls them started lollin an Dib noo soon he wold get final revenge…
To Be Continued!
Whats Dib planin at da game? An dose Zim have a deep an dark seekrit? 

Lant: Spoiler alert, Zim is evil. Allegedly.

Did Gir alive? 

Alfred: Well he's too popular to die, that's for sure. STOP.

Find ot next time!

N: Sinse noone mentoned this in there reivews I gess they didnt get it. Stephen Merchan an Zooy Deschanel are a copple becos Zooy was gonna be Chell in da roomer, an Stpehen plays Wheatly so its lick Chell an Wheatly are a cople an sinse Chell is like Marrissa but less hot an pretty its lick Marrissa an Wheatly are a cople!21

Alfred: Wow, I totally didn't see that incredibly obvious refrence. Here' let me put on my shipping goggles... Oh yeah, now I see!

Invader Zim; Born Agan Christian
Chapter 5: Christan Charity

“Wow sis yur frends are prettay cool.” Zooy said as we was ridin in the Voot Crooser.

“Yah there all bloody brillunt blocks!” Stefen smerched.

Opal: Print("Please, do us all a favor and never speak again.")

“Espettally yur new boyfrend he is soooo cool why didant u tell me bout him?” Zooy pointed at Nee who just smied an said “All in a das work, maam.” Then Zim made um growls an ‘angry faced’ Nee.

Electra: Oh, so we have a love triangle now? Between Zim and Nee I'd have to say that your pickings are kind of slim.

I was tiered for Zim actin so strange round Nee so I yelled “OMG Zim wats ur problem?” He was bout to answer wen… “OH WEMS I FORGOTE!1111 There a football game tonite at Skool an Im the qwaterbak.” Zim cried. “We will be lat.”

Lant: Oh yeah, Zim is clearly quarterback material. Just look at his short stature and spindly little arms. That, my friends, is the mark of a champion.

“Dont worry Zim we have to get u there on tim its are Christian Charity!” I said and Stevphen lolled. “LOL u Christians an yur rools.”

He an Zooy was aneurisms an didant Christian that much

Alfred: Because of course helping others is something that only christian people do. Or maybe it's just that Christian people are the only ones who have phrases for it in Capital Letters. STOP

We reeched skool just in tim for the game Zim got ot to run to da jim room an we got sum seets.
“Wow these games keep getting better every year.” Zooy cheered as the teems ran out.

Lant: Wait, so Zim really is a quarterback? I thought that was just something he made up to get everyone off his back.

“My son just keeps gettin stronger an more braver every day.” A tall labcote man said wile pointin at onna the playas.

Alfred: Hi, professor Membrane!

I looked careful to see an the playa was…. DIB!22!1111

Dip was bein the hed kicker (becos hes got a big hed lol) 

Alfred: Which means his center of gravity is higher, making it difficult to aim his kicks! Good pick, coach! STOP

an was bout to punt da ball.

But it was seekrit trik! He was gonna punt the ball inot Zims man balls to impact them an kill Zim.

Electra: Forgive me for not knowing how the sport works, but arn't there supposed to be a bunch of other guys on the team? And I'm near certain that even if Zim had any "man balls" that is football uniform would come with a protective cup.

Alfred: Yes folks, you heard that right. This story made us think about Irken testicles. If that doesn't disturb you, you've clearly been reading too many badfics. STOP

I thot sumthin was little bit supishus bout Dib an maybe he was planin sumthin.

Lant: THEN CALL THE POLICE. Seriously, he murdered everyone on an airplane. Were there just no witnesses, or are there no cops in this world?

“Thats the bloody sodder hoo tried to kill my girlyfrend!” Stephen was soooo mad at seein Dib gain so I said. “Hung on I think he mite be up to sumthin.”

The game was bout to benign an Dip helded up the footboll.
“HEY ZIM THINK FAUST!111″ Dib creamed an pumpted the ball at Zim so hit for a kill. I saw were the kill was goin a happen so I jumped of the bleechers an graped the ball.

But my momentary was too strong so I floo sum far lenths an went over the goal poast so I scored a touchdown for da home teem!

Alfred: There are so many things wrong with this that I'm not sure I can list them all. But let's try anyway.
  1. Bad spelling, bad grammar, etc.
  2. Dib would need to kick impossibly low angle so hard that the football would probably burst.
  3. Even if the ball was invincible, jumping from the bleachers to grab the ball, let alone intercept it, change it's direction and score a touchdown at the other end of the field is impossible for a normal human, and there has been no indication thus far that Gloria has any superpowers.
  4. Even if she had superpowers, to carry the ball to the other side of the field would require her to be sitting directly across from the visiting team's endzone, and she would have to have much more momentum than the ball, which would most likely injure Gloria when the ball collided with her.
  5. Even if all this did happen, Gloria is not on part of either team, so this would be against the rules.
“YO GO GLORIA HURRAY!112111!” Zim started cheerin an all the pepole did too an Zooy was wavin her amrs an Nee did a woff wistle. Dib yelled sum an kiked grownd an Prettay Dog elled from the bleechers “That was yur last chanse Dip now yull never been a TEEN RAGER.”

Then Dibe felted the scar on his neck from were my crossifix stabed him.

It had crit his juggler vane an remberin that made him even more blangry.

Lant: If that's the case... I'm pretty sure you should be dead.

He taked of a gun an say to Ragers. “Wate I can still kill sumwon.” Then he shooted THE GUN an it hitted sumwon an they screemed an died. I loked an saw it was… GAZ!11111!

Phelous: Oh no, not Gaz, she was such an important character.

“No my dotter sun yur too strength.” Proffer Mambrane said with acuse.

Dib didant care an shooted him to. 

Alfred: Bye, Professor Membrane!

Lant: You have issues, dude.

Alfred: Tell me about it.

The awdeense peeps were to scared to do anythin.

Lant: Just imagine how different things would be if everyone had a gun. The bad guy would be down in no time! (This message brought to you by the NRA.)

“Alrite Dib now yull pay I got Gloria to teech me to be a Cristan so I cold get Jezus powers to kill you wif!” Zim goat his crossifix eerings out to use like shurikens an throwed tehm at Dip. (AN I no that fitin with crossifixes is bad relgion now, but Zim was just usin it to get powers to fite Dibl with so its kay)

Alfred: Wait, Zim is actually acting like Zim again? IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE! STOP

I o-mouthed at Zims words, he was usin me an Jesus just to revnage Dib?

Phelous: Yes.

One crossifix hitted Dib in they eye an the eye explodd an got blood an eye all ever were. “YEEEOUCH ZIM YOU G***** F******** B****** IM GONNA F****** KILL U!12111!”

Opal: Print("''12111'' being the password for the giant robot hidden underneath the football field.")

Then the otter throwin crossifix hite Dips hand soooo hard it riped of.

“Ill be back.” He ran way to recooperate an think off a new plan. 

Lant: You lost an eye, got your arm torn off, and you killed your family with hundreds of witnesses. I think it's a bit late for any kind of last-minute comeback.

“Thatll teech him.” Zim doosted his hands off an I came.

“Oh hi Gloria did u see how I revnaged Dib?”

“Yuo b***j*** u never was a reel Christian at all u was usin me!” I angried at him.

“I needed to revange Dib an u sad Jesus had powors its nothin personal.” Zim had done reel bad so I take dot my crossifix an slapped Zims cheek wit it so he had a big bloody crossifix mark on his cheek for ever.

Alfred: That's not sacreligous at all. STOP

“U bretayred me, u betrayed Nee, an worse of all u betrayed JESUS! 

Opal: LoadMeme("Room1")

I hat you Zim go way for ever!111″

Lant: No, Zim! Don't go! This was finally starting to get interesting!

“Wate Gloria I love u!” But I had alsredy left. Zim felt don an cried.

Affer I got home I sitted on my bed an was sad. Zim had used an abused me an Jesus too.

I put on sum sad goth emo muzik like Avril Lavinge an MCO an cried.

Phelous: How could this happen to meeeeee? I made my mistaaaaakes! There's nowhere to ruuuun! The night goes ooon and I'm fading awaaaaaay!

Zooy an Steven was bunkin downstars wen I heard…

“OMG STEFEN YES YUR LIKE A SIBARRIAN TIGER!111!” Zooy screemed ot an I was sooo grosed out.

Electra: The feeling is mutual. Nice to see that there are some places that even this fic won't go to.

“Hey u guys shout up this a CHRISTIAN HOSE!11!” 

Alfred: And this is a Christian rake! And this is a Christian shovel! And this is a Christian lawn mower! STOP

But there was jus more gruntin an groanin so I turned op the muzik an cryed more becos now nothin was bein Christan no more.

That nite Dib was at his hose it was all empty now sinse killin Dad n Gas an he was a robot hand an eye pash now.

Phelous: And nobody came to his house to investigate becuse apparently the cops had all been killed by poison donuts.

There was nock at door so Dib went to answer ite. He open door an saw a guy on a flame bike he had lethur cloths an skelton head that was on fire. It was… GHOST RIDER!11


“Dip, thy art… GHOST RID3R!22″

Dib o-mouthed Ghos Rider was at his hoem? “Ghost RIdder? Yur more lik a Nite Rider lol.” Ghost Riter was not amoosed tho, an said “I haf come with a massage from thy dark mastar.”

It was shokin noos what wold Ghost Rider want wif me, Dib thot?
“Thou dost be the antithesis! U will start to apocelces an kill the world!” Ghost Dier lolled evily.


“Bu how I do that?” Dib was exited but kinna scarred from the revlation. Now he had powors to get back at Zim an the Teen Ragers AN Gloria Deskchannel!

“To make it u will haf to kill the secon conning of Jesus… the second comin is….”


So much char develtoment in this chapter, next one Im gonna take a brake from the instense an do a veray spesal one thatll be more diffrant.

See u guys next tyme!


Alfred: Well, that was an odd plot twist. Lant what do you have to-


Alfred: Well, yes but-

Lant: No, you don't understand. I admit I don't follow Marvel comics, but even I know that Ghost Rider isn't anything like this. His powers might be demonic in origin, but he uses them to fight demons. And why is he talking Shaksperian? He was invented in 1972, not 1592! It's like he just looked at a picture of the guy and was like "oh yeah, he'd be a cool villain" without him up! Why am I so angry at this!? Why am I still reading this? WHY DOES THIS STORY EVEN EXIST!? ADFsaFDASFDSfaDSAFDSAFDASF.

This is a VERAY SPESAL EPISOD CHAPTER bout falmer trollz an why its bad kay.

Invader Zim: Bored Again Cristian

Chapter Six: Sunday Skool Musikal (lol)


Phelous: Thanks again for being so descriptive!

ever thing was rooned!

Opal: Print("Including the spellchecker, no doubt.")

Ihs plan didt work an Gloria hatted him now. He locked atta bibel that I gifted him an rembered bout what Jesus did for all da goode guys.

Alfred: Therefore, in order to fight Jesus I MUST BECOME IMMORRRTALLLL! STOP

Then the Allrighty Tallests came on the sceen. “Zim hows yur misshun goin?” Red aliened wile Purpal roughed him up.

Phelous: Because the best kind of violence is the random kind!

Electra: *Punches Phelous*

Phelous: OW!

Electra: Yeah, I think I see what you mean.

“OMG My tollests wat are u doneing?” Zim o-mouthed at the seet of Red an Purple almost havin soks in front of him!11 “Zim we are in lofe so ew called to say that so u cant call us no more becos well be bissy (lol its a pun).” 

Alfred: Why is it that everything Karkat reads ultimately devolves into Yaoi? STOP

The screen offed an Zim sated don by the bibel. “Evven the tallers haf abdomened me.”

Then he look mored at the bibel an rembered that Jesus wold never bandon him even not rite now. “O Glorio, Iv mad a terribel misteak!111″

Lant: Aaaand there goes Zim's character, yet again.

Meenwile I was goin to Sunday Skool to kalm my nerves bout all the bad stoof that ad happened. 

Electra: Wait, is this still supposed to be in first person? Then how would she know what Zim is doing?

Alfred: Because god is everywhere...? I dunno, given this story's "logic" that's probably what it amounts to. STOP

Ms. Biters, the teacher, was sinin songs wif all the littel kids 

Lant: Given how Ms. Bitters usually is, we should be glad that we don't get to hear any of them.

wile teh teens (but they werant rabers) was watchin sumthin on there iFones an lolling at it.

Opal: Print("Ms. Bitters is apparently the only teacher in the entire school.")

“Whats the down lo guys?” I asked to them an they all lolled at me an showed teh screen. It was…. ME! Sum jerks had putted seekrit camras all everywere an recorded me an was makin fun of the recordins lick on Mistery Theater 2000!11

*Everyone looks up from the manuscript, and stares awkwardly at the audience for several seconds.*

There was only 1 persons who cudda done this….. my old enemitys….. THE FALMER TROLLZ!1133!

Lant: Man, someday we're gonna have to find that moron who gave flamethrowers to all those guys on Encyclopedia Dramatica.

“Hey Gloria common an sign sum salms wif us!” Ms. Biters sayd but I was out da door an heded for a seedy cloob callt “Club Flamerz” to finish of the Flamers onse an for all.

Electra: Isn't it convenient that all of the self-identified "flamer trolls" hang out in the exact same place?

Alfred: And now you know why Anonymous is called just that.

Wen I got to the clubby it was alls blak an smokey insid from drugs an beer an bad litenin.

Phelous: True story; bad lighting kills elven billion teenagers a second for realsies.

There was tons a flamerz lick Alecmoreto, an Strong Bad, 

Alfred: Dear Strong Bad; how do you type shitty fanfics with boxing gloves on?

an Kokoreeah alls lollin at me from tere privat camras on a huge screen on teh wall. 

Electra: These people are way too easily amused.

Then a gurl camet out on da stage wearin a mean cloths that say “Marrissa Suks” an “FLAMER 4 LYFE” an otter bad stuffs. 

Lant: Wait; the flamer troll. Does that mean there's a MarissaTheWriter in this universe who writes even worse fanfiction in which her enemies are even more cartoonishly evil? And does that mean that fictional universe has an a MarissaTheWriter who writes fanfiction thats even worse still, so on and so forth all the way to infinity?

Opal: LoadMeme("CrossEyed")

It was…. SKEPKATTY!11

She was the liter affer Ringmater retried to talk bout ponies.

Alfred: Insert broney joke here.

“Allrite ever one are u all reddy to mak fun of dum Gloria Deshannel?” Skep trolled an piked up a mike an started to sung “I wanna flame an troll all nite! An MST durn the day!”

Lant: The sad thing is that this is pretty much what 4-chan is like.

All the trolls started dancin frum the funky beets an I saw…. BUSINESS MAN WAS TEHR!111! “Business Man u was my frend but now yur workin wif these TROLLIN JERKS!”

Alfred: "Buisness Man", by the way, is a reference to ASBuisnessMagnet, creator of Portal: The 4th Millenium Project, which I think is supposed to be some sort of weird Portal/Homestuck crossover series thing. He's also a MSPA Forum member, so if you're reading this, hi there!

He got a sad look on his face (HA I GOAT IT RITE THIS TIME, EET IT FALMER TROLLZ) an said.
“Im sorry Glroia, but I ham in love with Skep!

We are get merried tonite.”

He ran op to Skep an they started kissin all lovey!

This was to far, Id had it wif theese m************ trolls flamin me an my storys. 

Electra: "My stories?" I thought this was about Gloria, not Marissa.

“Enoff! Im am gonna bring this plase down!” I ran up to da screen an jump kicked it an blowed it up so it said BOOM BOOM WHAM BAM an didant work no more.

All the trolls gotted angary an I saw that in the behind was…. PrettygOOD AN THE TEEN RAGERS!111

Phelous: Oh. The Teen Ragers are working for the Flamer Trolls. What a shocking development.

“Were frends of the falmer trollz so wen u mess wit them u mess wif us!” They tae dot nifes an nettles with bad grugs an HIV innem reddy to kill me. Then… the seelin explooted up an a huge mussely guy wit red skin an lots of horny an tats an a huge hed that was more huger than a hippopotamoos hoo was ridin a motorsycle.

“U wudant let me be in yur gang, so now yur gonna be MY GANG!” The monster lolled evillily an thats wen I realised it was…. MIB!111

Lant: *Phew* At least we don't have to hear any more from not-Ghost Rider.

Alfred: Though he now kinda sounds like Hellboy.


He graped the Teen Ragers an brethed fire on them so they turnformed into Flamin Skeltons call the “The FLame Ragers”.

Phelous: And since skeletons don't have any muscle mass, they all fell to the floor and died.

Next the taked the Flamer Trollz an crossified them an putted nails an barped wires on em like in Even Horisun or Hellrasser.

Alfred: You know they're going to have a hard time joining your gang if they're nailed up like that. STOP

“But not u to Ive gotta spesal plan for u!” Dib antichristed an piked up Skep an Business mAN.

He tared Skep’s arm of an made Business Man ate it then toared his leg of an made Skep ate it then he killed them in half.

Then the hafs died.

Phelous: Oh nooooooo not business magnet. You've gone to far this time, Dip.

I o-mouthed at da carnaje. Noone deserved this (but maybe the Falmer Trolls allitle) but it wasant over yet. Dip keept tearin an twistin the ded skep an Man bodis till there was only teeny weeny pices then he putted them alls back together as a hooge monster called “Skepness Man”.

“Now yur togeter fourever!” Dib lolled with evil an scary.

Alfred: Okay I have to admit, that's pretty fucking twisted. STOP

A crash yelled owt from the door it was… Stephen on a flaming motorsilo.! “Common Gloria we gotta buggerin get bloody out of her!” He saw alls the monsters an demans an o-mouthed an wetted himself.

“Those gits are soddin bloody wankers an is that Dibe?” I doble jumped onto the sycle an Stpehen pumped the ingishun reel fast.

“Wheres Zooy?” I asked fraid for my sistars savety. “Shes still at hoem we must get there OH DEAR GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!1!11″

Skepness Man chargged an swipotted at da moercycle sendin us flyin an flipin thru the are.

My buck started hurtin reel bad lick I had been staped or sumthin but…
To Be Continued!

AN: Sorray for da long brake but Im back with the pentilamte chapter were thers sum reel shockin reveels!

Alfred: Allright, let's try to power through this. There's only two chapters to go, and hostestly it would be kind of a letdown to end things just when it was getting interesting.

Invader Zim: Bron Agan Chrisstun
Chapter Sevent: Hellck on Earth

Lant: "Hell on Earth" being a perfect description of this story.

I felled towards the grond but my bak hurted sooooo bad. I cudant see Steefen I think he was maybe died an was fallin more fast when…. Suddently….. I stopped!

I cud fli now it was supa cool!

Opal: ("This is Probably one of the few settings where a deus ex machina would be justified.")

Usin my noo wings I started flyin to serch for Stepher an I fownd him fitin Skepness Man. 

Electra: So I guess Stephen Merchant is one of Earth's mightiest warriors. Who knew?

“This plase is buggerin bonkers Im taken Zooy an weer goin back to Englondon were thare arent all these soddin monsters an bloody flamer jerks!”

Lant: And that's still not the worst one-liner I've ever heard.

Then he jump kikked Skepness arm of an ran thru the openin to get back toe the motosikle an drove fast away.

I stated to follow him but a voyse called owt.
“GLORIA WATE!” It was Nee on a bildin! He was throwin nifes an shurikens at the flamer ragers an demans an thins in a tempt to kill alla them. “Its apolcelces we half (lol) to kill deese guys its are Christian Dutty.” He exclained wile killin eve more bad dudes.

“No lol its just Dib bein a jerk.”

Alfred Lant Electra and Opal: *Facepalm*

Phelous: She's the best!

Nee got a =( look on the face an yelled.

“NO U DUM B***** C****** THAT’S THE F****** ANARCHIST U G******* B*******!1!”

Then it all clacked, thatz why Dib was poweruped an there was demans ever were. He was the Anitchrist!

Alfred: And winner for "most obvious statement in the world" goes to...

Nee o-mouthed at realizin what he just said an was sad. “OMG Gloriot Im so sorry I didant meen that Im just relay stressed kay?”

“Its allrite Nee, I no yur stressed becos things are prettay hecktic (lol its a pun). Then Nee noiced my wings an that I was flyin. “GLORIA U HAVE WANTS NOW?1/1!/”

Electra: Apparently Gloria isn't the only "slow" one around here...

He was soo shoked he droped his nife an it fell an hit Rign Mater hoo had escapid becos hes retried an was ridin a brony an braned his fourhed

Alfred: Knowing Pinkie Pie, she's probably glaring at this sentence RIGHT NOW. STOP

I lolled at teh poetic justase of Ring Masters kill bu Nee was not amoosed. “We need to find da second comingling of Jesus hes the only 1 that can stop Dip.”

Then Dib climed a bildin like King Kong an grabed sum areplanes an hit them into more bildins to kill more pepole an turn them into deman zomboys.

Alfred: This story is very different from King Kong. You see, while one is a tragic story told from the eyes of a slow, lumbering brute guided by animalistic savagery, the other is about a giant gorilla. STOP

“WARE IS THE SEKUND CONTIN?” Dib Antichristed louder than space.

Alfred: Can't be loud in space. Space is quiet. SPAAAAACE. STOP

“U CANT HIDE FORM ME FOREVER BECOS I NO YUR SEEKRIT IDEMINTY!111″ “Lol Dibs gonna tell us the seekrit identity an then we can finds him first to win.” I hi-fiived Nee an listaned to heer to the noo Jesus was.


Opal: Print("I honestly can't tell if that's just a typo, or if Dib really does have four heads.")

“Dran it! Now how ill we find ot hoos the sekund comin?” N33 sadded.

Electra: Oh yes, because he left you with so little informati- IT'S FUCKING GLORIA OKAY?!

BIG BOOM BOOM BAM BOOOM said the the Voot Crooser an Dib got coatered in smoke an dirt an dust.
The dus sturted to cleer an a guy waked owt.

It was…. ZIM!111

Alfred: Darn. And here I was hoping it would be Dumbledore. STOP

I flowed down with Nee to Zim an we both huged him for savin the world. “Im so sorry bout before I was rong to use u an Jesus. I see taht in my hart now.” Zim Christianed so I kissed im on da top of the dead an he bloodshed.


“Its not ovar yet, hell be back the blapst only sended him flyin thru the sky soon he will lant and fite again. Are only hoop is to figur out whos the Secont Counting.” Nee convoluted.

In facts Dip had been hit soe hard he floo a rounds the planet a bunch a times lick in Superman then landud rite back were we was!21

Phelous: What are the odds of that?

Dib stunded up an gared at us. “Repair to dye foos! Spect for you Sekund Callin.” We all o-mouthed! Onna us was Jesus?

“Thats rite second Jesu I got spesal plans for u, or shud I say… GLORIA DESCHANEL!1/1/1″

Electra: AAAARGh.

Zim taked my crossifix wile I was just standin in shok an ran to Dib reedy for a kill. “Hoo am u to challenje me?” Dib lolled with evil an antichris.


Phelous: Title drop!

An Zim stapled the crossifix inot Dibs hart an he exploded inot lots a blood an guts an Zim chunkz but Dib was un hammed but the boom shooted us fast away so we eskapid.

“OMG! Zim gaved his live for us!” I cryed wile Nee holded me. The explod had flowed us back to my hosu were Zooy an Stephen was.

Phelous: Killing the entire cast all at once. The end! Merry Christmas!

Nee loked to the city were Dib was rampagin an killin then at me an braved. “Gloria yur the sekont counting onlee u can stop him. U halfta do it, FOR ZIM!” Zooy patted my buck. “YAH FOR ZIM!” She went then Stephen Smerched “BLOODY WANK THOSE SODS GLORIA, FOR ZIM!11″

Lant: On second thought, please don't wank them. PLEASE don't wank them.

I standed up an uncorked my wings.

Alfred: Bottled wings... or something. I dunno, it sounded funnier in my head. STOP.

It was time for teh final battal, an it was on!

Alfred: And now for the final chapter. Finally... STOP


Electra: Yes.


Electra: No.


Electra: Yes.

FIND OWT!111333

Electra: I really wish we didn't have to...

Chapter Eate: Invader Zim: Bron Again Christian

“But how um I supposed to stope the antimatter?

Lant: I could make a Crisis on Infinite Earths joke, but I've kind of lost the will to live.

Hes much more strong an big than me!” I deadpanned to Nee, even wit Jesus on my side thins wasant lookin goode for the showdown throwdown (hehe).


“No one never said it wud be essey but yur the only 1 who can doit. God choosed u for a reson Glorya.” He ansared an I noo he was rite. But how cud I defeet Dib?”

I uncorked my wints an Nee goated on my bak so we floo to the battal seen. “Stepen, keep Zooy safe, me an Nee will handal the Dib.” Steven brave-nodded with head an I got a look lick “Im gonna kill sum b*****” on his face.

Alfred: Maaaaybe that wasn't the best idea.

We sumpted to go towars the city were all the battal was goin but…

Skepness Man lurped out from behin a bildin reddy to kill me! “Wash out Gloria its a randum incounter!” Nee creamed an I just barely dodded Skepness Mans arm swipe.

Opal: ("Just use a Poke-doll and get out of there.")

Then I saw it had a big bumpy thing an realised that SKep an Business Man didant be good Christans an wate for merried an did a baby alsready!

Sinse they was putted bak to bak it meened Skepness Man was… DOBLE PREGNONT wif its own babby!11

Alfred: o_0



Opal: ("There are no words that can adequately describe how incredibly disturbing this story has become.")

“We cant kill or it will abortion the baby!” This musta been why Dib choosed Skepness Man for the fite, he noo that Christans cudant abortion a baby.

Alfred: Oh ha ha it's satire on how silly Christians are for not allowing abortions even in extenuating circumstances. And I completely agree with the point the author is trying to make. I just wish that the underlying story wasn't so stupid. STOP

It was a dirty trike an he was gonna pay.

“Then ell just have to do a emerjancey C-sextion.” Nee lolled with cool an bad***.

He jumped of me an take dot a nifes to stab into Skepness Man’s bellay an fell down an around to make a big circle cut.

Next Nee pulled da skin of an there was a whole with the baby insid. “NOW GLORIA!1″ He said wile stabbin Skepness in the man/gilr plase becos it was both.

Electra: I don't know what would be worse; this being the first time he's done this, or it NOT being the first time he's done this.

I swooped in an groped the baby from Skepman’s tummy an hitted the but so it cryed an was all good. “ITSA BOY!” I happied an Nee climed up to Skepness Mans hart an say “Congradulations on yur sun.” Then nifed the hart an Skepness Man dyed with a lot of blood an guts so I cuppered the babys eyes sinse no one shud haf to see that kinna stuff.

Phelous: Herm... let's hope the kid never asks what happened to his parents.

“What ill we do wif the batby?” Nee scrutched his hed in confused. “It is still got the blud of the falmerz in its vanes so it most be send to joovie for educashun an then adopted by sum lovin Christian parunts.” I etsplained. “OK Ill take it to da orfanaje u fite with Dip ok?”

I didant lick the plan but it was the onlee way so I nooded with hed so Nee got the bapee an ranned of wile I headed (lol head, lick Dib’s) for Dibs thrown.

It was a bigly thrown made of bones an guts an fire an the bad guys from Hellrasser was there givin Dib food an stuff.

Electra: Thrones of bone aren't particularly comfortable. Believe me, I know this first-hand. Daddy got one for his birthday once, and he threw it out a week later.

“U ALIVE?333″ Dib disbleefed.
He was soooo mad that Skpness Man didant stop me so his whole mussely body turned all on fire an brinestone. “Listan Gloria, to finis the rapeture I need to sommon my dark mister…”

I o-mouthed this was evven worse than I thot!1 “An to do that I ned the most Christian purest version sakrifase.

Phelous: And I'm explaining my entyre plan to you because... um... MWA HA HA HA!

Do u no were I can find one?” Dib manically lolled. The hellrassers thru chains ot of teher hands to me an I got all tyed up. “HEP HE GOIN TO KILL ME!11!2″ I screemed so much lowder than anything but noone herd becos everone in the city was dead ot turned to monsters.

Electra: Some "savior" you turned out to be.

Dib was gettin out his glowy switchnife reddy to drub it inot my hart.

This was the end for me an Jesus an all the good Chritian pepoles becos Satin wud get samoaned an finish teh rupture. The swatchblade gotted closure an closure then… IT MIZZED!

Lant: Oh god another Deus Ex Machina.

“OMG WTF IS GOIN ON THIS B***** STUPID PEECE OF C***** CANT F***** J***** A B******* G******* IT U M******* WHY WONT MY NIFE STABBED YOU!3112421″

I smied happy becos dum Dib had falled rite for my seekrit plan.

Phelous: Or is it?

Lant: A deus ex machina that is whose foreshadowing is retconned in is still a deus ex machina.

Me n Nee was flyin thru the citystreets on are way to fite Dib (we hadant fite Skepness Man yet) wen I stoped flyin. “Nee I think hes gonna try an use me for a version sakrifase.” Nee o-mouthed becos that made lotsa sense. “Oh no how do we stope him?” I happied sexy like an whipsered “I think u no how…”

“Butt Goloria were Christians we cannt done that till merrage!” I landed up an licked at Nee.

“No Nee its kay we have to done it to safe the world so God says its kay lick the time in the bibel were those two gurls had to sex up there dad to safe pepole from dyin.” Nee nodded in understandin then he gloped me an…


Lant: I said, this is REALLY stupid because the canon version of Jhonny the Homicidal maniac hates sex, because he goes all batshit insane just thinking about touching someone. Though I admit it's a clever plan otherwise.

Dib roared like the sun relay mad as he relised I cudant be sakrifised now an his plan was ruins.


Alfred: And then Dib was the Cow King.


“LOL u cant I wined an u loosed.” I braked ot of the chains an readied to kill Dib an end the rapture.

“NO I will still KLILL YOU!” An the flame ragers jomped up an thru firebolls at me an fire drugs an beer (that was also on fire).

Suddenly my crossifix started glowin brite wite an it made a sheeld to stop the bat stuff from hitin me. Tow of das flame ragers, Projency Masheen an Lurvable Freek was refracted back at thes tuff an was made on fire an turnsed to assh.

Then the ash died.


The crossifix keept glowin an glowin an glowin an I felt alls powered up so I sayd “THE POWAR OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!1123228090!”

An a hooge beem of lite shotted out an hit Dib in the huge hed an he started glowin an on fire but bad fire that hurt him.


Opal: Print(Evil Overlord List Rule 24:\n I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses.\n Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line 'No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!' (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)")

Then Dibs head busted open an blood an branes an fire rayned out all round the city an burned sum pepole but there was a hospital neerby so it was all good.

I loaked at the heedless Dib body an put my crossifix on the chests so he glowwe even more an died. The battal was finally woned.

Lant: Isn't killing someone with a cross supposed to be sacrilegious? 

Electra: Does it really matter at this point?

Lant: No, not really.

I floo bak to my hohem were Nee, Zooy an Stephen was cheerin an hootin an Nee was doin’ cat calls ;D.
Wen I landed they ranned up an huggled me a hole bunch an I saw that Zooy was kinna diffrant lookin. “Gloria I was waitin for a spesal occashun to tell you an this is prettay spesal so… IM PRAGNENT!”

I o-mouthed and huged her even more titer but stoped so I didant kill the bablee by mistake.
“Also were namin the bloody baby Zim, in onor of the best soddin Chrischian ever!” Stepen smerched.

Alfred: Forget about Mother Terisa, Zim is cearly the best christian ever.

It wass the best day ever an we were all happy an I gotted a massage telepathic in my head.

“Gloria Im talkin to you from hevan” It was…. ZIM! “I just wantod u to no that Im very thankful u teeched my bout Jesoos an been Christian. Me an Gir are havin a fun time heer with God an stuff an we got to watch u kill Dib on Gods big skreen plasma.

The b****** hads it common. By Gloria Deschanel an thanks for helpin me become: INVADER ZIM: BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN!22″



Phelous: The end. For real this time. So what did you think?

Lant: You want to know what I think. DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT I THINK?!

Alfred: ...maybe? STOP.


Alfred: ...that's all?

Lant: Oh yeah. I admit I kinda overreacted back there. Really, this is just a troll fic. No sense getting worked up about it.

Electra: You're assuming the author went into it as a joke. Given how the second half of the story is less "Zim trys to be christian" more "horrible things happen to Marrisa's enemies", I kind of doubt that there wasn't some real hostility there.

Opal: ("Even so, Zim's personality was ultimately inconsequential to this story. It could have been set in any modern-day setting and it would make just as much sense. It's not even a proper parody, because the author clearly understands neither Invader Zim nor Christianity.")

Alfred: Well... yeah, but I feel that Marrisa's at her best when she's making up wierd bullshit that only vaguely resembles the source material. Teen Fortress 2 and ITS MY LIFE were both awesome in that respect; I highly reccomend them to anyone even remotely interested in badfics.

Phelous: Well, that just about wraps up our story arc. Time for us to ride into the sunset, heroically triumphant and stuff.


Monitor Solomon: Are we forgetting about something?

Lant: Oh nooooo. It's Solomon the Monitor, the big villain of our story arc even though we've never actually met him up until now.

Alfred: Yeah, you're kind of lame as far as villains go.

Solomon: Foolish mortals! I'll have you know that I was doing some very important things while you were off searching for Phelous.

------------A FEW WEEKS AGO------------

Earl of Lemongrab (on tv): ONE MILLION YEARS! DUNGEON!

Solomon: (eating ice cream in front of a television) Ha ha, you tell 'em, Lemongrab.


Alfred: Okaaaaaay, but that still doesn't explain how you found us. STOP

Solomon: That's because I didn't need to look. You see, your ranks had a traitor in your midst...

Lant: I KNEW IT! I told you Electra couldn't be trusted!

Electra: Me? As far as I can tell, you're the suspicious one!

*they start fighting each other*

Solomon: ...actually, the real traitor was... BOB THE MONITOR.


Phelous: Wait. You're telling me that an ancient, immortal guardian of the universe is named "Bob"?

Bob: It's short for "Robert".

Phelous: Oh, that explains everything!


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