Detective Stapler I've done better than that; *punches Cronus*
Cronus: Owvwv...
Detective Stapler: This document proves that NAMBA and the Nazi Party are in fact... THE EXACT SAME ORGANIZATION!
*DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUN!*
Detective Stapler:*punches Cronus*
Cronus: Owvwv...
==============
Karkat: OKAY, LOOK. IT'S CLEAR AT THIS POINT THAT EVERY TIME WE GO OFF TO STOP MONARCH, SOMETHING HAPPENS THAT KEEPS US FROM GETTING THERE. HOW MANY MORE DISTRACTIONS DO WE HAVE BEFORE WE ACTUALLY GET TO DO SOMETHING?
Jake English: Well according to the script, just one; we need to do our seasonal Dinosaur Comics crossover.
Pinkie: Yay! More Tenshi Trail! ^_^
Dave: well i for one could certainly use some crazy space angel bullshit right about now.
Jake: Actually, Rex said he found something special for the holiday season.
Karkat: GREAT. ANOTHER IDIOTIC STORY TO ADD TO OUR LIST OF INCOMPLETE REVIEWS. PLEASE TELL ME IT'S FROM SOMETHING I'VE ACTUALLY HEARD OF.
Jake: Well that depends. What do you know about 'invader zim'?
Pinkie: ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING! IT'S ONE OF MY ALL-TIME FAVORITES! ^0^
Karkat: AND WHAT IS IT ABOUT EXACTLY?
Pinkie: Okay, well, you see. There's this space alien named Zim, and he's from the planet Irk. And he's kind of a moron, so he got sent out to the farthest reaches of the galaxy to invade Earth, and everyone is an idiot except for this kid named Dib who nobody likes, so Dib is the only one who can stop him!
Karkat: SO HOW EXACTLY IS THIS SHOW DIFFERENT THAN, SAY, THAT SHOW ABOUT THE TALKING FROG ALIENS?
Pinkie: Well, for one thing Invader Zim has a very dark and twisted sense of humor. Which is understandable, as it was made by Jhonen Vasquez, writer of the indie comic "Jhonny the Homicidal Maniac".
Dave: hey i know. lets get the guy who wrote jhonny the homicidal maniac to write a kids show. what could possibly go wrong?
Pinkie: While the show had a short run, it has a massive fanbase and merchandise of the series continues to sell to this very day. ^-^
Karkat: OKAY SURE WHATEVER. SO WHEN DO THEY GET HERE AGAIN?
*Suddenly, the Back to the Future theme plays as a DeLorean appears out of nowhere, and skids to a halt. T-Rex and Utahraptor exit the vehicle.*
Jake: I just have one question before we begin.
T-Rex: Sure! Ask away!
Jake: How did the two of you fit in the car?
T-Rex: MAGIC!
Jake: Okay.
============================
Athurs Hote: Ok guys its been a long time how have u been (lol like GLaDOS1!)
Karkat: WHY YES, I'VE CERTAINLY SPENT BEEN TRAPPED IN AN ENDLESS NIGHTMARE WHERE MY MIND ENDLESSLY REPLAYED THE LAST THREE MINUTES OF THE FIC OF YOURS THAT I READ. THANK YOUR FOR ASKING.
Anyay this story will be VERAY diffrant from ITS MY LIFE,
T-Rex: You mean there's going to be plot, good grammar and character development this time around?
Utahraptor: I wouldn't get your hopes up.
I was gunna do a seekwillcrossover but those FLAMERZ sapped my inspertation so this isa BRAN NEW SETTIN in a NEW CONITINITY!1111!
Pinkie: A whole new woooooorld! A magic place I never knew!
Also its becos I wanted ITS MY LIFE an TEEN FORTESS 2 to be in the same continity wif a story I fond called “Love Nos No Race”.
Jake: Ooh, a tie-in! Remind me to look that one up someday!
The romanse is kinna gross
Pinkie: Wooahooahoaahoooaohooooooooooh, wooahooohohohooooh, caught in a bad romance...
but its got cool story twists thatll keep u on the edje of yur seat. =)
Dave: given that this starts with zim becoming a chrirstian im not really sure how you can top it.
SO NOW WIFOUT FURTHER ADOO
INVADER ZIM: BORN AGAINT CHRISTAIN
Chapter !:
Jake: Chapter 'exclamation point'? Boy howdy, looks like we're in for a wild ride!
Zim’s BAD Day
T-Rex: More like a terrible, horrible no-good very bad day, AM I RIGHT?!
Edrobot: Oh great, now I'm writing shout-outs to children's books. You've really hit rock bottom this time, Ed...
Hi, my names Gloria Deschannel I look like Zooy Deschannel becos Im her kid sistar
Karkat: NOTE THAT THE REAL ZOOEY DESCHANEL HAS A SISTER. AN OLDER SISTER, YES BUT THE POINT STILL REMAINS.
(lol this ibs a showtout becos Zooy Deskchannel was gonna play Chell inna portal movie but it wasnt proved an Chell is like Marrissa but less hot an pretty so Glorio is like Zooy Deschannel but more hot an pretty!).
Jake: Author tip number one; you can save time describing characters by just telling people who they look like. How's your novel coming, Rex?
T-Rex: Awesome! I was just in the middle of describe Dirk Awesomesauce as a tall, imposing man with bronzed skin, a chiseled face, clouded eyes that took in the world with a ever-somber stare, and rippling mane of stark white hair that was the envy of the gods themselves, but now I'm just going to say he looked exactly like George Cloony except badasser. Thanks for the tip!
Jake: You're welcome!
I liv by myself becos Zooy is out doin movies so I liv alone.
Dave: or maybe shes not actually zooeys sister at all but just a crazy girl deluding herself so that she can escape the drudgery of her daily life.
Pinkie: Hey, that's a good fan theory! TO THE TV TROPES WIKI'S WILD-MASS GUESSING PAGE!
I was walkin hoem from skool won day
Karkat: OH GOD THE SPELLING HERE IS-
Jake: Completely accurate to the original show? You betcha!
Karkat: *FACEPALM*
but a sguy hoo was kinna weird lookin hitted into me!
“HEY WATCH WERE YUR GOIN B*****!”
He yelled at me he was reel uguly becos he had BIG HAD an lots of tats an was wearin a wifebeater.
“OMG is he a alien!/1″ I said telepathic to me.
Karkat: SHE TRIED READING HER OWN MIND ONCE. NOT SURPRISINGLY SHE DIDN'T FIND ANYTHING.
Then the guy took out he a nife! It was alls glowy an with sharp he was gonna kill that kid.
Karkat: WHAT KID?! YOU DON'T ESTABLISH ANOTHER KID ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE SCENE!
T-Rex & Jake: It's Avant-Garde!
“Stoap u dumb falmer troll!11″ I elled at him to make him stop tryin to kill but we wasant.
Dave: looks like words didnt work. time to break out the sticks and stones.
“He is a aleen I must kill him wif my nife. My name is Dip.”
Dave: oh god here we go again.
Karkat: 'AGAIN?' WHAT ARE YOU YOU TALKING ABOUT?
Dave: i just realized that this is one of those 'draco in leather pants' fics. you know the stories where where zim is made out to be this loser who is unfairly picked on by dib and we have to feel sympathy for him and the author then introduces an oc that really gets him and they fall in love or whatever while the actuall heroes of the story become one note jerkasses.
Karkat: SERIOUSLY?
Dave: yeah. just watch what happens next.
He gave me da finger and I was soooo mad. He wold pay so I riped my shirt of an a ton of pepole saw my big squishy chests which was embarsin but for a good cause.
Utahraptor: And that cause is setting women's rights back by over a decade! Good job!
“HEEELP THAT JERK IS TRYIN TO MOLESTRAPE ME!i!o!” I screemed like screemin screemer that screems wile screemin so lots of pepole takeled Dip an beated him up.
Utahraptor: I don't know what's worse; that the author is perpetuating the myth that women "cry rape" to get their way, or that the fact that she is doing so is supposed to be seen as a good thing.
But then I rembered that I rwas topless now an evven more people was starin at my boubilles.
Karkat: I DON'T THINK YOU THOUGHT THIS PLAN THROUGH.
“OMG u guys are such pervearts!”
Dave: says the girl who ripped off her clothes as a distraction.
So I ran fast to my homse an got dressed an got a bibelt out.
(AN: Im not a cristchain in reel life, im a aneurism,
Karkat: WELL YOU'RE CERTAINLY GIVING ME ONE.
so if I get sum stuff bout them rong dont blame me I DONT WANT ANY MOR FLAMERZ!)
The bibel is my speshal book becos Im relay Christian an dont do sex or smoke drugs an beer an always help pepole lik that alen.
Kankri: Actually there are many different den9minati9ns 9f christianity, each 9f which has their 9wn 6eliefs 9n the m9rality 9f sex and alch9h9l, all 9f which I will n9w c9mpare in the 9rder in which these den9minati9ns were f9unded.
Everyone Else: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
*SEVEN HOURS LATER*
Kankri: ...wh9 are als9 y9ung-earth creati9nists, 6ut d9 n9t 6elieve in The Rapture. But 9f c9urse Christianity is far fr9m the 9nly system 9f 6elief that adv9cates helping the less f9rtunate; in fact the 9nly 9ne I am that actively 9pp9ses the practice 9f charity is 96jectivism, which was f9unded 6y Ayn Rand in...
*SEVEN HOURS LATER*
Kankri: ...and that is why I 6elieve that Atlas Shrugged g9t everything right a69ut ec9n9mics even th9ugh it is a terri6le 699k filled with pretenti9us strawmen. And speaking 9f terri6le 699ks, I may 6e in the min9rity 9n this 9ne 6ut I 6elieve that the s9-called "evil pacifists" fr9m the Sw9rd 9f Truth series are apt metaph9r f9r the human c9nditi9n...
*SEVEN HOURS LATER*
Kankri: ...and there will 6e peace – there will 6e peace when the pe9ple 9f this w9rld want it s9 6adly that their g9vernments will have n9 ch9ice 6ut t9 give it t9 them. I just wish y9u c9uld all see the Earth the way that I see it. Because when y9u really l99k at it, it's just 9ne w9rld.
KARKAT: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
Kankri: Well n9w if y9u excuse me I really must 6e getting t9 the c9mmunity center s9 that I may prepare f9r the n9n-den9minati9n winter h9liday pageant. G99d-6y.
T-REX: *snirk* Hmm? Uh? Oh, he's gone. Coast's clear, everyone!
I reed the entire bibal ever nite so I no all the words by hart.
Utahraptor: According to my calculations, that means you're spending almost two whole days reading every night.
T-Rex: Talk about dedication! (I assume a time machine was involved somewhere)
“Jeesus words will kalm me down.” I said an readed my favrat part were the bad guys putted nails in him but HE DOSENT CARE becos JESOOS IS HARDCORE!11
Pinkie:
Wile I was reedin I herd some noses comin from don the street so I looked oat the windo an a saw…
Zim getting killed almost by Dpi!
Karkat: DIB IS A THREE LETTER WORD. THREE. FUCKING. LETTERS. YOU TELL ME YOU CAN'T EVEN SPELL THAT.
I ranned down an taked the crossifix neklase I have an stabed it thru Dips neck so it cam out the otter side.
Dave: remember kids. you can still love thy neighbor when theyre cut up into little bloody chucnks.
He ran way but the crose came out but it was all bloody an covered in yucky gross stuff so I didant put it back on.
Jake: The bloody cross of course symbolizes jesus
T-Rex: Funny, I don't remember that guy being so violent.
God: DUDE, HAVE YOU SEEN HIS CALL OF DUTY PROFILE? UP HERE IN HEAVEN THE GUY'S GOT ENOUGH PRESTIGE RANKS THAT WE HAD TO START COUNTING NON-CARDINAL NUMBERS. I THINK HE'S ON ALEPH ONE LAST TIME I CHECKED.
T-Rex: Is that actually true?
God: ...IT MIGHT BE.
“Are u ok?” I held ot my hand to the alium boy. “Yes I am now my name is Zim u saved my live.” I huged him an he got reel happied becos of my big squishy chests.
Karkat: BECAUSE OF COURSE AN INSANE ALIEN CYBORG INSECT WHOSE BIOLOGY IS ALMOST COMPLETELY INCOMPARABLE WITH CARBON-BASED LIFE JUST HAPPENS TO BE TURNED ON BY HUMAN FLESHLUMPS.
“Im Gloria Deschanel nice to met u Zim.” Zim o-mouthed at that.
“DESKCHANNEL LICK THE FAMOS MOVEE STAR!”
Dave: this author has wierd fetishes dude.
He was all in shok an cudant wate to tell Gir bout how he metted me.
T-Rex: GIR! This human woman showed kindness to me! DESTROY HER!
Pinkie: Yes, master. *falls on the floor and starts spinning around* WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! ^0^
T-Rex: I did not think this plan through.
“No lol thats my sistar Zooy.” Zim got more calmed down an saw the crossifix in my ham.
“Whats that ting?”
“Oh its a crossifix lik what the bad guys put Jeesos on becos Im a cristian.” Sum teers went in Zim eyes from my story becos he saw Jesun an it was all bloody from the fite.
“Thats terribel whyd they doit?”
Dave: says the guy who tried to destroy the earth on more than one occasion.
“Becos he onlee helped good pepole an gave them arms an beer but spesal beer that didant make them DRUGGY JERKS!212!”
T-Rex: Ah yes, I remember that passage. Mark 10:58: And Jesus said, "Take up these arms anointed by the LORD, so that you may give high-fives to your fellow man. Drink of my beer, for it is special beer that will not make you druggy jerks." And the multitudes did so, and it was good.
God: THAT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE PARTS, GOTTA BE HONEST.
Zim thot bout this wile I got a call on my cell fone.
“Hey gurl wanna play sum Portal 2 wif me?”
Jake: This timely reference to portal 2 (released in 2011, years after invader zim was taken off the air) proves beyond a doubt that this is actually a distant sequel to the original series, which also justifies Dib's change in personality and statue.
Karkat: LIKE I CARE.
It wass my best sistar Zooy (shes in Holywood makin movies so we only text an play games lick Portal 2).
Wheatly is my fav becos hes got a sexah british aksent an is relay nise an stuff (AN: In this story, in teh game Wheatly didt go evil he met a other test subjekt named Marrissa Roberts an dey fell in love lol geddit?)
Karkat: ARGH... IF YOU DON'T "GEDDIT" IT, READ THIS. WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO EXPLAIN THE WHOLE GOG DAMN PLOT OF THE AUTHOR'S PREVIOUS STORY.
“Surry sis Im helpin a aleen.” I tellyed her back. Zim was just starin at my crossifix like WTF.
T-Rex: This must be the source of her power. I MUST TAKE IT FOR MYSELF, AND THEN I WILL RULE THE WORLD!
“OK mayeb we will play latur, btw Im comin to visit soon with my new boyfrend I think yull like him LOL!” She was lolling an hunged up so I did 2.
Dave: it better not be the guy playing wheatly. please tell me it isnt.
“Um, Marrissa u wanna cum over to my hose I wanto heer more abut Jesos if thats ok.”
Karkat: OH HEY, AN INNOCENT SENTENCE THAT SOUNDS DIRTY DUE TO TYPOS. HAVEN'T SEEN THAT BEFORE.
THIRD PEROSANAL POV
T-Rex: WOAH there, partner. You can't just change POV like that! Give us a little warning next time.
Meenwile Dip got hohem all angry an bet up. Gaz was alsready home becos she got caut doin the do wif a bunch a guys in the bath room an got expulsioned.
Dave: oh yeah gaz is a sex freak now. because comedy??
Eh scrootched his hed it was gettin more big sinse he got to hi skool an felt a weird bumps there. “Hmm…” He throated but didant care. Gaz seed from her seet that the hare gotted part from Dips scratch an saw that the bumps was shaped like… 666!11111!111
Karkat: *FACEPALM* OH COME ON!
Jake: That's right! The big twist of the story is that the entire thing is an allegory for the book of revelations!
T-Rex: Actually it's just one revelation, no plural.
Jake: You get the point. Dib of course is the "the first beast" (perhaps better known as "the antichrist"). The first beasts role is to lead the world to worshiping it as a messiah, all while being aided by the second beast, who is a false prophet. And assisting the beast is the "whore of babylon", an enigmatic figure who pulls at the strings of the worlds' religions so that they all fall under the beast's sway. Glora is of course jesus, and zim is... well im not really sure yet, but i'm sure there's some really deep symbolism waiting just around the corner!
Dave: allright enough talk. lets get through the next chapter before we all become aneurysms.
Utahraptor: The next chapter opens up with the long-standing tradition of replying to reviews in the story itself, instead of in the reviews section where they should be. Not that the archive we recovered this story from has a review section, mind you, but the point still remains.
Thanks guyz onlee a few of teh reviews were FALMERS tso its a big improve! To some of the REEL FANS hoo reivewed heres sum responds:
Gilrdog123: I dunno hoo Biscuty Goodness is but Gloria wasant listed as one of the charitures for some reson so I put that one instead becos it sounded cool!
Karkat: YOU ARE NOT COOL YET.
Invader Fenoix: Thanks for teh info! Fro now on Dip is DIB an abut Jesus yes he did gived pepole spesal beer he made it from water1!~!
Kankri: Actually it was wine-
Karkat: *SHADDUP!*
Oim sorry bout the crossifix I thot it was poetic justace or somethin but if its not good Gloria wont use it no omre. Also she wont becos the last time made it all blood an gross an thats stuffs hard to cleen.
Utahraptor: I'll give the author credit; she can at least listen to constructive criticism. Only time will tell if she actually follows through or whatever.
S or what ever, I SAID GLORIOS NOT A MARY SUE BECOS SHE INSANT LICK ME SHES SUPER CHRISTAN IM A ANYUREMS AN SHE IS KINNA NAEVEE!1212121!222111!
Karkat: YOUR MOUTH SAYS "NO", BUT YOUR EYES SAY... THIS IS A TERRIBLE STORY.
Iluvmarrissathewriter: This is a SPERATE CONTINITY so demonan is just a pretend cartoon =P.
INVADER ZIM: PORN AGAIN CHRISTAN
Utahraptor: Wouldn't that have been a different story?
T-Rex: Hey baby; howzabout you invade my personal space, and we get all sacrilegious on this bed?
Karkat: NO NO NO NO NO.
T-Rex: What, are you saying it's against the rules to act out imaginary porn?
Karkat: ACTUALLY, YES. I MADE IT A RULE EVER SINCE CRONUS TRIED IT WITH ONE OF HIS HYPOTHETICAL HOME MOVIES. SPEAKING OF WHICH WHERE IS THE POOR BASTARD?
=============
Detective Stapler: Your honor, I bring Cronus Ampora to the stand. *punches Cronus*Cronus: Owvwv...
Detective Stapler: Now, Ampora... where were you on the night of July 20, 1945? *punches Cronus*
Cronus: Owvwv... I wvasn't even born yet...
Detective Stapler: WRONG ANSWER! *punches Cronus*
Cronus: ...I mean, I was robbing a bank-
Detective Stapler: *punches Cronus*
Cronus: ...I mean I was at a Nazi meeting-
Detective Stapler: *punches Cronus*
Cronus: ...I mean I was at a NAMBLA meeting-
Detective Stapler: *punches Cronus*
Cronus: ...I mean I was at a Nazi AND a NAMBLA meeting, and I was also robbing a bank.
Detective Stapler: No further questions! *punches Cronus*
Cronus: ...uh, judge? I don't mean to be a drag, but are you really going to let this squware get away with gaming the system like this?
Gamzee: HoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOnK.
Cronus: Nevwermind.
Detective Stapler: *punches Cronus*
=============
Karkat: ...YOU KNOW WHAT? FORGET I ASKED.Chepter 2: Lessuns of the Lord
We got to Zims hose a few mins later, it was relay tall with toobs an funny elf things in the front lone.
“Welcum to my commode!” Zimmed Zim he was all prod of the strange hosue.
The opened an… “OMG THAT IS SOOO COOT!1212~!” A littel green dog camed out he was the cootest thing I ever seed.
Utahraptor: Yes; the green, bipedal dog with a zipper on it's chest. Nothing strange about that!
We both lolled at Girs funny an wents insyde. “So ur relay an alien?” Zim taked his fase of to see he hads atneenos an red eyes.
“Yep its okay to tell u becos u saved my live.”
Karkat: SO MUCH FOR YOUR SECRET MISSION... THAT IN ALL HONESTY YOU WEREN'T VERY GOOD AT KEEPING SECRET IN THE FIRST PLACE.
“Aww how sweat of you!” I kizzed him on th echeek an Sim bloodshed.
Karkat: OH GOOD ZIM'S BACK TO KILLING PEOPLE. LOOKS LIKE HE WAS IN CHARACTER AFTER ALL.
“So reddy to lern bout Jesus?” Zim nodded wit head so I telled him the down lo.
“1 day befour anyone was alife there wus a girl named Mary (but her last name wasant Sue LOL)
Pinkie:
an wen she was sleepin God came a nocked her up
God: HEY, IT WAS CONSENSUAL OKAY?
T-Rex: Suuuurrrre it was.
an the babby was… JESUS!111″ Zim o-mouthed in all the shok from this.
Dave: spoiler alert.
“So God date rapped her?” He sayd.
“No lol tehy never went on a date!
Utahraptor: That doesn't make it any better. In fact I think that actually sounds worse.
So the baeby was born Jesus an he had powors so he helped all the goood guys an not the bad ones so the bad ones put nailz in him but Jezus didant care becos HES SO HARDCORE!111!
Jake: That's a bit of an oversimplification, but for the purposes of this story we can assume that Gloria is leaving out some of the details.
Then eh died but came back on Eastur an there a bunny somwhere Im not sure
Jake: Actually, the symbolism of the easter bunny is a very interesting story in of itself. You see, in anchent times people thought that rabbits were hermaphrodites, so thus the rabbit was seen as a symbol of the virgin mary, and by extention jesus.
God: ACTUALLY WHAT HAPPENED IS THAT I LOST A BET WITH A CELESTIAL BUNNY RABBIT. IT HAPPENS.
to go to heevan.”
T-Rex: Paul 14:97. And the lord Jesus went to heaven but did not pass "go", nor did he collect 200 dollars.
“Wow tahts relay cool whats Jesus doin now?” Zim was gettin into the lesson bu Gir didant care he was playin wif a piggy.
Karkat: AT LEAST GIR CONTINUES TO BE IN-CHARACTER. AT LEAST FOR NOW...
“A bad guy called the Anthricyst will sho up an kill everone unless Jesus comes bak so when the Antiracist reveels himself hell return to fite for us!121″
Zim an Gir an the pig all o-mouthed from the talk bout the Antipode.
“Thats 1 bad soundin dood who is he?” I shooked my hed for no. “Onlee he knows me ight not even ben borned yet.”
Zim got scarred an holded Gir they was shakin all fritened. “Dot worry guys Jesoonll save all the good Cristans
Utahraptor: Yes, George Jetson is known for the key part he played in the Book of Revelation.
I dont bout the otters tho…”
Zim stepped hugin Gir an stooded up to full mast.
“Gloria Deschanel I want to becom a Christiun!” Teers went in my eyeds I was soooo happy that Zim had seen the lite of the Lard.
T-Rex: "THE FOOL!" Zim plotted, "Little does this pathetic human suspect that my real plan is to cut of the head of this 'jey-sus', and steal his power for myself, just as it is written!"
Jake: Uhhh... I don't think the highlander movies are part of biblical canon...
T-Rex: QUIET, GIR!
“Ok sinse I reed the hole bibel ever nite an no it all by rember I can make u a offisal Christian but we need sum stuff from my hose first.”
Dave: because as we all know the first step to becoming a christian is to have a water gun fight. or a pantyhose fight. whatever pun works better.
Gir joomped up happy an barkled becos he was dog I thot.
“I wanta ot be Christan 2.” I smied sadly. “Surry Gir but dogs dont have sols so u cant be a Crischain.”
Bu his skin camed off Gir was… a robot lik Wheatly an GLaDOS!11!31
T-Rex: What are you talking about? G.I.R. and Wheatly are completely different! After all, one is a perfectly calculated idiot who only exists to make life harder for the protagonist who somehow becomes the most popular character in the series, and the other is oh wait no that description works for both of them. ABANDON JOKE!
“OMG hes even more cooter now!11
Lets got Christian.”
T-Rex: Oh yeah, I remember this line. Especially since it was immortalized in XKCD's "Probability of Phrases Becoming Action Movie One Liners" comic.
Jake: Funny, I don't remember that piece of duct tape being there...
T-Rex: IT'S AVANTE-GARDE!
Jake: Oh. Okay then.
We goed to wards my hosu but sum peeps were in front off it they had mean tats an peercins an were smokin drugs an beer.
T-Rex: They were smoking penicillin, to be precise. They didn't quite get the whole "gang" thing yet.
They was…. THE TEEN RAGERS a gang of bullays hoo hatted Christians an always piked on me even worse than the FLAMMER TROLLZ.
Dave: hmm. teen ragers. that would be an awful band name.
Utahraptor: Flamer Trolz would be pretty good though.
“Hey b***** wat u doin wif those freeks?” The leeder (AN I dont have names for the Teen Ragers yet so if u wanna be 1 just say inna reivew ok guyz?)
Karkat: OH YES, I'M SURE PEOPLE WILL JUST JUMP AT THE CHANCE TO HAVE THEIR NAMES ASCRIBED TO A BUNCH OF GENERIC HOODLUMS.
tooked out a drugs.
T-Rex: Mutilating an tenses doing so.
I wanted to use my crossifix on these druggy jerks bu I rembered that is a sackreligon (an it got alls bloody an gross last tim) so I didant.
Dave: wait. so you still didnt wash it? i think that might be worse dude.
“Look owl Gloria he a gun!1!” Zim screemed wit lowd.
These druggy jerks was gonna kill us or rap us or make us drug an beer wif tehm an all is bad becos im Christian an cant done that stuff!
Then a guy…
TO BE continued!
Wow that was sum INTENSE dramackshun in there.
Find ot next time!
Jake: Hey rex. While we wait for the next chapter i have a very peculiar question for you. How are you and utahraptor able to speak english and make references to contemporary culture (including christianity) when you live millions of years before any of that stuff came into existence?
T-Rex: Well, the way I see it there's three possibilities. The first is that your civilization is simply repeating the historical echoes a long-dead civilization inhabited by talking dinosaurs, and that humanity itself has no free will. The second possibility is that you are dead and this is all just a twisted nightmare of yours. And the third possibility is that Caius Ballad actually succeeded in his plan to destroy the timeline, and that we now live in a timeless hellscape without beginning or end, and the only way our minds can cope is to fool ourselves into thinking we all still live in linear time.
Jake: Larks. All three possibilities sound positively somber...
T-Rex: NAAAAH. I'm just messing with you. The real reason is that we do a lot of time traveling.
Pinkie: On to chapter 3!
NVADER ZIM: BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN
CHaptER 3: The Strangur
Those JERKS the TEEN RAGERS was bout to nife an rope us!
Utahraptor: Guys. If you're going to try to use rape or the threat of rape to produce drama, at the very least make sure that you spell it right.
“Get reddy to die you uguly Chrissan b***** an yur little green frend two!1″ Said the liter “PrettayDog”
Karkat: WOW, APPARENTLY THERE'S SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO IS ENOUGH OF A LOSER THAT THEY ACTUALLY WANTED TO HAVE THEIR NAME PUT IN HERE.
seh was called that becos shes a bestial an licks dogs the rong way.
Dave: wait. so shes sexually attracted to dogs but is going to rape them anyway? its almost as if the whole beastiality thing was thrown in there to make the antagonist even more unsympathetic.
Karkat: I BET "PRETTAYDOG" NOW REGRETS PUTTING HER NAME FORWARD.
But jusb efore they cud kill us…. A stranger camus (book refronce lol)
T-Rex: I don't get it.
up to us an made them stop.
Dave: hey can you gangster dudes stop attacking these guys?? its really not very nice.
T-Rex: Okay. I was getting bored anyway. Come on, boys! Let's go burn down an old folks home!
He hads a nife an spiky back hare (but only little hare) an a shrit of stripful colores.
I o-mouthed at the stranger he wax kinna goot lookin an he had saved are lifes I wonnered if was a Christain?
“Thanks for savin us mistar…”
“My nam is Jonee but u can call me Nee lol yur very hot an pretty.”
Pinkie: Jonee, and the Amazing Technicolor Sweatshirt! Coming soon to a music hall near you?
I bushed at his complilament but Zim was kinna jeloose lookin. “Gloria I thot we was gonna Christan me not flirt wif a guy.”
“U guys are Christuns? OMG I am 2! I am onna Gods spesal solders I kill the bad pepoles an Im serchin fo the antichris.”
Utahraptor: You know... people who go around saying things like that in real life are dangerous and unstable lunatics. Or they're fundamentalists.
T-Rex: IS THERE EVEN A DIFFERENCE?!
Pinkie:
Wow, he was a reel catch I was thinkin tote me an hes a solder for GOD
T-Rex: We know he's a soldier for God because the little voice in his head told him so!
God: HA HA, YEAH. GOOD ONE, REX.
“Why dont u coem with u
s to my hose an we can Christan Zim togetter?”
“Lick a date or somefin?” Nee asked an Zim gotted mad but I said. “No it’s a important religuous dooty but maybe afferwords wink wink.” Nee o-mouthed so we goed to my hoem.
T-Rex: Eh? know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge! Know what I mean? Say no more! A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat, say no more, say no more!
Insyde was a alter an a crossifix an a potium were u cold give salmons an sum poos to sit in.
T-Rex: While I like the free seafood, I don't particularly enjoy such a... smelly choice of seating.
Utahraptor: All joking aside though, Gloria is starting to look pretty demented. I mean, even the most pious worshipers don't have a whole church inside their house.
Jake: Hmm. You have a point there. Perhaps gloria is the real antichrist after all...
I piked up me favrat bibel an gifted to Zim.
Zim holed ut the bibel an was all impressed wif it. “Woah Gloria is mor thik than all the Harry Pottor books how can I reed it in one nite like u do?”
Jake: Actually, i did the math, and the harry potter series is about 37% longer than the bible. Though i guess it's still thicker than any of the individual books.
I lolled an etsplained “U have to be a relay powerful Christian to reddit all in one nite u need to start off slow first.”
Karkat: AGAIN. UNLESS YOU'RE THE FLASH OR SOMETHING READING THE WHOLE BIBLE IN ONE NIGHT IS NEAR FREAKIN' IMPOSSIBLE.
Nee gaved him a crossifix wile I got on da postium.
“Are lord God we am here 2day to make Zim an Gir inot reel Christians. Zim are u reddy?” Zim nodded with head.
“Ho bout u Girl?” He nod to. “Kay… THE POWAR OF CHRIST COMPELSE U! THE POWAR OF CHRIST COMPELS U!”
Dave: feel the magic.
Nee standed up an started to chunt with me so it got done fast. “Congrats Ziim yur now a true Christen.”
Karkat: SURE GLAD WE GOT THAT OUT OF THE WAY.
Zim o-mouthed an went cry on the floor but iwas happied cry becos he was a reel one now. “Thanks u Gloria I feel compete. I must go hohem an prey.
T-Rex: God, if you can hear me, please destroy the world. DO IT NOOOOW! ZIM COMMANDS YOU!
Common Gir!21″
They leaved so it was jus me an Nee.
“So ho bout the date?” I bloodshed all over teh cheekz an we wended out. We was goin to my favrat restront: Red Lubster.
“HOW CAN I SERF U!/2″ Screemed the water he was havin a bad day becos his wife leaved him an his kids did lots of pot an crak an drugs an beer so they droped ot of skool.
Karkat: AND YET IN SPITE OF ALL THE UNINTENTIONAL MISSPELLINGS SOMEHOW THEY MISSPELL SKOOL IN THE EXACT WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE MISSPELLED.
“Ill have the mozrella stacks pleese.” I didant get mad at rood water becos a reel CHristan has to turn the otter cheek.
Utahraptor: Try telling that to the Westboro Baptist Church. See how that goes over.
Nee was ver impress “Gloria u have such Christian.” The water brote the mmozzellera stacks an we sturted eatin em but the cheese got alls stuck so we keeped etin an got closer an closer an closuer wen…
“OMG THIS BLOODY SODDIN PLASE IS THE WERST EVAR YOU WANKIN BURGERS OH GOD SAFE THE QUEEN!1111″
Karkat: ಠ_ಠ
IT was…. SIMON COWBELL!1!
T-Rex: I have a fever, and the only perscription is MORE COWBELL!
He was grabin Lobsters from teh tanks an throwin im at pepole!
“Go way Simon Cowleb no one liks u no more becos yer a sellot hoo lefted Amrican Idol for a dum ripeof.” A guy yelled.
Dave: we dont mind the lobsters though. feel free to keep throwing them.
Nee standed up an graped his nife I got scarred at dat.
“YOU BLOODY HELLSODS ARE GONNA PAY ILL WANK ALLA YUO!1!” Simon britished then piked up his stake nife an braned it thru the Guy Who Yelled At Hims fourhed.
The stab made lotsa blood an branes go every were an in my drink it was SOOO GROSS
Dave: remember when this story was about zim? those were good times.
“Now u done it.” Nee doble jumped up over tabels an landud on Simons.
T-Rex: He then bounced off of a bunch of goombas nearby, earning a 1-up in the process.
Simon was disbleef at Nee an grabed sum hot watur from the kitchin an pored it on Simons face so he got all burnded an stabed with Nees nife.
“God absorbs u of yur sines.”
Nee prayered over the Simon Cowbell ded boady corpse.
Dave: its offical. gloria is dating a serial killer.
Jake: Actually, "nee" is supposed to be the title character of johnny the homicidal maniac so i think you might be right.
Dave: that doesnt really make it any better.
“My hero!” I swaned an kisst Nee on teh cheek an he bushed.
“Aww it swa nothin.”
T-Rex: And then he went to jail for murdering Simon Cowell in broad daylight. The end!
Back in DA CITY Dib was relay angary he cudant Zim anywhere.
But eh had a noo plan the Swallowed Eybebells was not help him so he was gonna jone a new groop to kill Zi an his stupied frend Gloria Deschannel wif.
“Hi my names Dib I want to join yur gang.” ProotyDog, the liter of da TEEN RAGERS happied at new member an shacked Dip’s hand.
Karkat: OH GOD THE TEEN RAGERS ARE MAIN CHARACTERS, ARN'T THEY?
Dave: be afraid. be very afraid.
“Welcame abort, but first u must…”
T-Rex: Scrub all the floors in hyrule, then we can talk about mercy!
TO BE CONTINUED!
Jake: Well that was quite the interesting parable. What do you think.
Pinkie: I didn't like it. Everyone was out of character and there was none of the show's trademark humor. And worst of all, the main characters of the show are barely even in it. -_-
Karkat: COPY PASTE WHAT PINKIE SAID, BUT WITH MORE PROFANITIES.
Utahraptor: On a more serious note pretty much every character is an unlikable psychopath, except ironically Zim, who is supposed to be an unlikable psychopath. As a result, it's near-impossible to find a reason to stick around with this story except to see how much further the author can go off the deep end.
Dave: i guess maybe it works as a unintentional parody of fundie wackjobs but its still pretty lame.
T-Rex: I mean come on, people! Chick tracts are funnier than this and those are meant to supposed to be taken seriously!
God: THEY ARE?
T-Rex: Apparently.
God: HUH. WHO KNEW?
Karkat: YOU KNOW WHAT? I NEVER WANT TO SEE THIS FANFIC EVER AGAIN. *tries to tear up the paper the fanfic is written on*
Utahraptor: Yeah, that's not going to work. That might look like paper, but it's actually an experimental, indestructible substance that looks exactly like paper.
Karkat: WHY DID YOU PRINT A FANFIC ON IT?
T-Rex: I dunno. Sometimes I just do stuff without a good reasons. You can throw it in my alternate dimension portal if you'd like.
Karkat: WHY DO YOU HAVE AN ALTERNATE DIMENSION PORTAL?
T-Rex: See above.
Karkat: I HATE DINOSAURS I HATE DINOSAURS I HATE DINOSAURS. *throws away manuscript*
Jake: So where does that portal lead to, anyway?
T-Rex: Nobody knows. But if there's one thing I do know, it's that we'll never see that manuscript ever again!
===================
MEANWHILE, IN THE GANGSTER WORLD
Alfred Smith: So... is this a world where everyone is a gangster, or just one where gangsters rule the world?
Monitor Bob: Yes.
Alfred Smith: Ah. I figured. So how are we going to get out of this mess we're in, surrounded at all sides by Troll gangsters?
Electra Pendragon: We could try killing them all.
Alfred: Lant and I have moral objections to that plan, but I'll keep it in mind. Lant, you have any ideas?
Lant: Well, I can see if I can talk things over. Though I admit my Alternian street lingo is a bit rusty... *ahem* Yo' sasquach, watch where yo' pointin' dat salad shooter.
Gangster!Eridan: It's ma' salad shooter, and you're hepping my fishbowl, slothbodies.
Lant: We wuz just doing the tango to the west trix; we ain't with the munchies or the clot.
Gangster!Eridan: Any scab would say that to save is tapestry; how do I know you're not fifty-fifties?
Lant: That bicep is hot off the flip-flop. Dogs and cats ain't gonna paint a picture without extra lettuce, you coral?
Gangster!Eridan: Sewing machine.
Lant: Sewing machine? Kitten sandwich of a laser roomba hopping over gob or bog and all his saints and angels-
Gangster!Eridan: Sewing machine, or I'm gonna tread the wading pool until your merry christmas card comes crying to Boston.
Lant: Okay, he says that we need to review a terrible piece of fanfiction or he'll send us a christmas card...
Alfred: That doesn't sound so bad.
Lant: ...made out of sheet metal. Into our skulls. And I'm not totally sure about this, but in fact I think he might actually meant "a bullet".
Alfred: Ah. Well that might be a problem, seeing as we just ran out of fics to review...
*Manuscript falls into Alfred's hands.*
Alfred: Nevermind!
DETECTIVE
Rose Lalonde: Excuse me, sir. Can we have the Staff of Woe?
[NAME UNKNOWN]: No! It's mine! I stole it fair and square.
Kanaya Maryam: Come Now Im Sure We Can Work Out Some Sort Of Deal.
[NAME UNKNOWN]: Hm... tell you what. I'll let you have it, but only if you read this terrible fanfiction I wrote?
Roxy: uuuhhh how aabout NO?
[NAME UNKNOWN]: Very well then! In that case we have no choice but to engage in a fight to the death! For I am no mere thief; I am Vilgariax the Planet Snatcher, scourge of the seven galaxies! *begins powering up DBZ style* YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
* TEN SECONDS LATER *
Rose Lalonde: Well that was easy.
Porrim: I agree, Max was much mo+re o+f a challenge.
Kanaya: Where Did You Ever Learn To Piledrive Like That By The Way?
Roxy: Oh i dunno. I guess ive just been Watching a liiiiiiitle too much wrestlingas of late. *hic*
I really hope the fact that Karkat was saying how unlikely Zim's romance is is a shot at all the troll/human ships
ReplyDelete