Saturday, September 14, 2013

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 38

TRIGGER WARNING: Today's featured story contains an awfully written rape scene. Do not operate pointy implements while under the influence of this fic unless you enjoy gouging your own eyes out.

Caius Ballad: Monitors. I have come from the end of time to deliver a warning; The Great Disaster soon approaches. I have traveled all of the possible timelines, and have discovered but one fact; unless you commit to an action soon, it will destroy you all.

Monitor #1: You've made your point clear, guardian. All Monitors in favor of doing something, say "aye".

Exactly Half of the Monitors: AYE!

Monitor #1: All in favor of doing nothing, say "nay".

The Other Half of the Monitors: NAY!

Monitor #1: I'm sorry to disappoint you Mister Ballad, but I'm afraid that the council is still in deadlock, twenty-five to twenty-five. Perhaps if you were to come at another time, perhaps when Bob and Solomon get back...

Caius: *Summons a black portal underneath Monitor #43, which starts to suck him in.*


Caius: Count again. It appears you now have a majority vote.

Monitor #1: ...I suppose that's one way to pass legislature. Very well then. Now that we've decided to do something, what is it exactly that we will do?

Monitor #41: I say we build a really, really big gun!

Monitor #32: No, I say we build a Superman robot out of pure thought!

Monitor #44: Why the hell would we do that?

Monitor #32: Why wouldn't we do that? You never know when you'll need one to fight a... I dunno, a multiverse vampire or something?

Monitor #22:  No! I've got a better idea! We can build an intergalactic portal network that we just leave around for some reason!

Montior #18: What if the gun and the superman robot were both portal networks?

Monitor #45: Yeah! That makes perfect sense!

Monitor #22: We should do my thing!

Monitor #3: Should we do his thing?

Monitor #44: We should do my thing!

Monitor #17: Should we do his thing?

Monitor #32: We should do my thing!

Caius: *facepalm*

Monitor Bob: This is Earth-18, the Beekeeper Dimension. It's called that because everyone is a beekeeper for some reason

Opal Edwards: Print("That's oddly specific.")

Bob: Maybe so, but a bit of weirdness is a small price to pay for the multiverse's greatest honey.

Alfred: Speaking of Non-Sequiturs, today we'll be reading "Loves Grande Quest", a fantasy story that is allegedly a Haruhi Suzumiya fic despite having pretty much nothing to do with the series. STOP

Lant Kreck: Yes, I know Jake said we were going to read "My Inner Life", but the truth is that it was pretty boring. Like Atlanta Nights with all the funny parts taken out.  All we'd be doing is picking on a self-insert and occasionally marveling at the poor continuity she created. 

Alfred: Plus, this story's been sitting on our shelf for a while. Might as well get it out of the way. STOP

Electra Pendragon: The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya is a series of light novels penned penned by Nagaru Tanigawa. To make a looooong story short, it follows a young man named "Kyon" as he deals with Haruhi Suzumiya, a girl with subconscious reality-warping powers, as well strange people from across time and space who are also obsessed with the mystery of Haruhi and her powers. Not that it matters, of course. Because apparently the author decided to throw out all of these interesting settings and characters in order to tell a generic fantasy story that only shares a single character with canon. And he doesn't even make a proper appearance in the chapters we're reading today.

Alfred: So without further ado, let's put this story under the knife and see if there's an original bone in it's body.

Lant: Spoiler Alert: there isn't.

I stood there transfixed. It was like a dream. He was standing there. His eyes glittered with sadness. A beautiful sadness that was somehow also happy. He looked at me. I looked at him. Our eyes united in out heart of hears as out gaze became as one.

Lant: Eyeball kissing! The way of the future, I guess?

He smiled. I smiled back with him.

"Will I ever see you again?" I asked, my heart beating in my chest.

"No," he said. "Not in this world. But perhaps in another..."

Lant: World 8-4, specifically. Though I'll need to check the other seven castles just in case.

"But I don't want this time too end. I love you, my heart is yours forever my darling," I said.

"I'm sorry. But there is nothing I can say. We have failed, and as are failure the price is that we must bid ado to this world and all it has in it, including our love," said him, his voice as sweet as the mountain air in Spring.

Alfred: *SNIFF* That is so beautiful that I had no idea what any of that meant.

"PLease, no. I beseech you to stay hear with me! I cannot live without you," said I, my body shaking like the tides.

"I'm sorry... it's the only way," said he, looking at me, he stepped toward me and stepped toward me again. Our hands met and then are lips. The kiss was like poetry. Majestic and beautiful. I didn't want it to ever end, but it did end. Everything ends in this world. Nothing lasts forever.

Lant: Except, perhaps for eternity.

"Why... why can't we be together?" I asked, a single tear leaving my eye as I cried.

"We will be together," said him. "I will be inside you. Always."

Electra: And then she turned into a dragon and ate him.

"What do you mean?" I asked, looking up, my eyes meeting his once again.

"No matter what world you belong to, I will come for you," he said, his voice like that of a glorious angle. "I will always come for you. Our love shall last forever."

"It shall! I shall always be waiting... my Itsuki..." I said and we kissed. We kissed once more. It was like forever we were kissing.

Electra: Wouldn't that get kinda boring after a while?

Opal: Print("Imagine a pair of lips, kissing a human face -- forever.")

The golden fires shot up all around us in a white light as we stood there kissing and all was obscured in their radiance. Then, darkness. There was nothing but darkness.

Opal: Print("Hello darkness, my old friend. I've come to talk with you again.")

I was all alone. Itsuki was gone. I was gone. There was nothing, not even the universe.

Alfred: THE END! Well wasn't that a cheery story? STOP

Slowly I opened my eyes. I looked around and saw things. There were furniture and stuff which made it look like a bedroom. I was in the bed which was a nice bed. I had been sleeping. I realized it was a dream I had seen. I wondered about what it meant. I did not know. I did not know who Itsuki was.

Opal: Play_Video("OzEnding");

Alfred: If only the author had chosen to rip off a theatrical classic instead of Generic Fantasy Novel #48,939.

I suddenly gasped. I realized it then. I did not know who Itsuki was, but more importantly then this, I did not know who I was. My memories did not exist. My mind was empty. I had nothing in my heart but my feelings. I didn't even no who my name was.

Alfred: Oh. Our heroine has amnesia. Never seen THAT before. At least aside from Final Fantasy V, Final Fantasy VI, Pokemon Mystery Dungeon, Rune Factory,  Planescape Torment, Amnesia: The Dark Decent, Cave Story, Ghost Trick, Xenogears and Tales of the Abyss.

Electra: As well as Noir, Eden of the East, Durarara, and Pandora Hearts.

Lant Kreck: Not to mention that Wolverine, Guy Gardner, Superman, and Magneto have all had amnesia at one point or another.

Opal: Print("I think we can all agree that it's kind of a cliche at this point.")

Stroking my hair which was a lovely lavender shade and letting my green eyes fluttered, I looked about lost and bewildered. I stood up and found a flowing pink dress waiting for me. I did not like the dress since it was to girly but I put it on anyway since I need to ware clothes.

Alfred: Uh... yay feminism?

WHen I did it I left the room and walked out into a spiral staircase which lead up to a tower in a castle. There, a woman dressed as a maid appeared and said she was a maid.

Lant: As opposed to, say, a ninja.

"You are awake now, princess?" she asked.

"Princess?" I started, surprised.

"Yes, you are the princess of this kingdom," said the maid. "Your father is the king of are kingdom which is called the kingdom of Satindark

Electra: "Satindark?" You just pulled two random words out of the dictionary and glued them together, didn't you?

 and you are his daughter the princess."

Lant: ...she's taking this "Princess suddenly has a life-changing mental disorder" thing pretty well.

Electra: Well a king can't just hire any old help now can he?

I gasped. I couldn't believe it. Then a man came. I looked at him and he looked evil. 

He had a mustache and was fat and was old and had an evil smile and a king hat.

Opal: Print("You mean like this?")


"Who are you?" I said.

"I am the king, your father," said the king who I did not trust because he looked evil. "You are awake now, Miralucia."

"Miraluca?" I said, not knowing this name.

"It is you're name," said him. "You are Miralucia Everbright, Princess of Satindark and my only daughter."

Electra: Miracula Everbright. Miracula. Everbright. You really couldn't think of anything but the most Mary-Sueish name you could think of?

Lant: *COUGH*hypocrite*COUGH*

"I see..." said me,

Alfred: Me don't know about us, but me recognize bad grammar when me sees it.

but I did not no what to think. I did not know what to feel. I felt alone and helpless. I wanted to no who the boy from the dream was. I wanted to no so much. But I didn't. It was as if I was drifting. Drifting all alone. Like a swan elegantly gliding across a crystal clear stream, my heard was gliding through a frightened darkness. I knew not what would happen next.

Alfred: Uhhhh... I don't really think you guys want to know. NEXT CHAPTER.

Warning: This chapter contains intense, disturbing imagery. If you are faint of heart I suggest you tread carefully whilst reading it. Thank you.

Days passed slowly. nights past slower still. Even with the dreams. The wonderful drams of friends I didn't know. 

Lant: That you don't describe. Because the author is lazy.

Of that boy. Of itsuki. It was majestic. Magical. I could never have enough. I cried each day as I awoke, realized the dreams were but dreams.

I realized then that I wanted to go to him. I wanted to find Itsuki. It was my porpoise in life. 

Alfred: Because dolphins make everything better!

With that in my mind, I came in my father's throne room. I looked at him.

"Miralucia," he said, his mustache thick and disgusting. "What is it you desire, my daughter?"

"I wish to leave this cartel," said me. 

Opal: Print("You fail the dictionary forever.")

"I want to see the world and find the one who finds me ever in my dreams."

"Never!" said he, shouting. "You can never leave, you little ungrateful whore!"

Lant: Well that's no reason to get nasty.

Then he hit me. He punched me in the jaw and I fell over, bleeding and broken, my body shaking.

"HAHAHAHAHAH. I ham the king of Satindark!" 

Alfred: Yeah... you certainly "ham" the king of Satindark. STOP

said the king. "And you are my possession. Now dance for me, you bitch"

Opal: Print("And so the worst dance-off in all of paradox space ensued.")

Helpless, I began to dance, a graceful dance of beauty. A dance of sadness. Of regret. Sorrow swelled in my heart as I pictured Itsuki's face. but all I could see was the face of the monster in front of me as he laughed and pleasured himself with my dancing.]

Electra: Well at least the author didn't turn this into a songfic.

Suddenly the maid came.

"King," said she. "We have conquered the good king. You now rue the world."

Opal: Load_Meme("M_Bison")

"Excellent!" said the king. "How great. I am in a good mood now. The world belongs to me and my evil."

Lant: Okay... here's a tip. Most good villains don't walk around bragging about how evil they are. Oh sure there are exceptions, but the best villains are the ones that are so fundamentally twisted that they are either certain that they are doing the right thing, or so insane that they don't care in the slightest. 

To take a well-known example, let's look at Lex Luthor. Now, his characterization has varied through the ages, but nowadays his "evil" stems from a self-centered worldview. Lex Luthor thinks that only he can save the world, and sees Superman as a threat to the "utopia" he seeks to create. Thus, he thinks he's in the right even as he continues to try and kill a man who has saved the world more times than anyone can count. 

I didn't know what to say. I didn't know anything beyond those castle walls. But I knew that my father was an evil man. 

Alfred: I wasn't sure if it was his cloven hooves for feet, his pointy vampire fangs, or his "I <3 Hitler" t-shirt, but something about the guy just didn't sit well with me. STOP

I knew that he must be destroyed. But I had not the power. I had not the power for anything.

"In celebration I will abuse this pathetic daughter of mine," said him. "Come girl! We go to the bedroom."

Alfred: Ugh...

"Nooooo!" said I. "how could you, I am your own daughter!"

"I do not give a dam about that! I am the evil king of Satindark. I am evil!" said the king with laughing and he dragged me up to his bedroom.

"Stop," I said, but he ripped my close off.

"Now little, bitch!" said he taking out his giant throbbing shaft. "You are going to please me."

"Never!" I shouted. But it was futile. He had already shoved the disgusting tool deep into my-

Alfred: Okay stop right there. Up untill now, this story has been a somewhat laughable fantasy story but now... it gets uncomfortable. 

Lant: ...I'll say.


Alfred: Now, there's several reasons that rape is such a touchy subject; It involves sex, which makes it a taboo topic. It's traumatizing experience that many people never fully recover from. It's something that the victim can easily be blamed for, even in the United States. Now I'm not going to get into a big, Kankri-style political monologue, but I will say this.

To all Authors out there: Don't just throw rape into your story for shock value. There are many, less controversial ways to create drama than to have your character be raped, or to show that a character is a despicable human being rather than having them rape someone. And if you are going to go ahead with it anyway, you'd better make damn well sure that you explore the consequences in a realistic and sensitive manner. As in: Do not have your character "enjoy" it, do not have the rape change their sexual identity in any way, and do not in any way imply that they deserved to be raped, or that being raped made them a better person somehow. STOP

Lant: Good thing Caliborn's dead. Otherwise he'd probably pop up right now and play a clip from the Zelda CDI games that could be taken as sexual innuendo, completely nullifying your heartfelt speech.

Alfred: ...

Electra: ...

Lant: ...

Opal: ...

Lant: Yep. Sure glad he's dead. Now, onto our poorly-written sex scene.

 mouth. It filled my throat, suffocating me with its nastiness. I hated it. I hated him. He tortured my mouth and lungs with his lovestick and then he slapped me in the face and kicked me in the chest.

Not satisfied with just the mouth, he began to fill my every other whole with the monstrous appendage until he finely approached my prestige untouched sex. I cries.

"No! Stop it. I do not wish to be raped by you from hence forth!" 

Alfred: I would find that narmtastic line much funnier if my soul hadn't died two lines ago.

I shouted out dramatically. But he just hit me again and I bled.

"YOu belong two me!" he screamed and then he raped me. 

Lant: Damn it, now I can't stop imagining Sollux as the king. Way to go, Microsoft Office spell checker.

He raped me hard. Deep. The pain was deafening. I could not stand it. But it just kept coming. Again and again he raped me. Hard. I wanted to die. I wanted to relinquish my life to God above just for some release. But it never came. Just the cold torture of his massive pole wrecking my innocence.

He raped me thirty times, not leaving until seven hours had passed. I lie there crying as he left. I cried and cried surrounded by the darkness of my soul. pondering my own suicide. Oh how I wished to be saved from that place.

"Itsuki..." I said, praying I would see his smiling face

Alfred: So, what did you think of the story?

Electra: ▂▂▃▃▅▅!


Opal: Print("I have a truly marvelous explicative which this margin is too narrow to contain.")

Alfred: And I thought it was okay up until the sex scene, which I thought was one of the worst things I have ever read. So, Bob. How's the search for Phelous going? STOP

Monitor Bob: Not good, I'm afraid. Not only is he not here, but your evil future doppleganger has managed to track us down and has begun torturing this universe's Nicholas Cage in order to extract information about our whereabouts.

Evil!Alfred: So, Cage. You people like bees, don't you? WELL HAVE A MILLION OF THEM! *STOP*

Nick Cage of Earth-18:

Opal: Print("What do you think the odds are that he tortured Nick Cage just to make us play that clip?")

Alfred: Honestly? Knowing my own personality he probably spent a whole week anticipating it. STOP.

Lant: ...Shouldn't we help him?

Alfred: Oh don't worry; he's Nick Cage! He can survive anything! Now, ON WITH THE ADVENTURE!


Rose Lalonde: Remind me again why you're making us fight wild animals with deadly weapons?

This Is Really Porrim, Guys. I Swear!: The wild animals represent [MEN] and their [PEINESES], while the weap[o]ns represent... the things that y[o]u crush men's peineses with, I think!

Kanaya: Of Course They Are.

Roxy: Hey you know what im feelin kinda parched, so im gonna go take a quick break. Are there any secret warehouse prisons that you don't want me breaking into in the meantime? *HIC*

Really Porrim and Not a Fake: Just [o]ne. Just stay away from that red building [o]ver there that's covered in skulls. Especially if y[o]u have my key-card, which just s[o] happens t[o] be the exact same size and shape as that suspic[o]us bulge in your p[o]cket.

Roxy: K' thnkx. Imma gonna go now.


Roxy: hey porrim wazzup?

Porrim: O+h no+thing much. I've just been sitting here in this priso+n cell while an impo+ster is go+ing aro+und acting like a straw feminist either because the entire co+ncept of feminism by creating a strawman, o+r that they honestly don't know what feminism actually is.

Kanaya: Well If It Helps Nobodys Actually Buying It.

Rose: Where are we, anyway?

Porrim: We are o+n Apo+ko+lips, a sinister planet ruled by Darksied of the New Go+ds.

Roxy: the who?

Porrim: ...It's a lo+ng sto+ry, and Lant Kreck wo+uld pro+bably be able to tell it much better than I ever co+uld. As part o+f his absurdly co+mplicated plan, Darksied has captured the Greek Go+ds fo+r reaso+ns that made much mo+re sense in the comic book maxi-series that this entire sto+ry arc is a paro+dy o+f. We need to break them o+ut befo+re the autho+r runs o+ut o+f ideas and has to+ reso+rt to+ making up really stupid stuff and trying to pass it o+ff as "funny".

Zachary Comstock: Yo! What is up my home-dawgs!

Andrew Ryan: Mr. Big A and Doktor C are in da HOUZE!

Rose: Too late.

Ryan: Yo, Special-K! Draw some fresh beats on us, yo!

*Karl Marx, wearing sunglasses, puts a record on an antique phonograph and starts scratching it like it was a DJ table*

Ryan: Yo I'm MC Ryan and I'm here to say: 
You've got three more trials till you get your way!

Comstock: First you gotta go slay a giant named max,
who's a million feet tall, eats heroes 4 snax.

Ryan: Then you gotta find the Scepter of Woe,
which was stole buy a guy who's name noone knows,

he lives on a mountain made of acid and snow
with two guards and a door like that puzzle you know,

Comstock: Then you've got the hardest them of all,
you need to win a match of Apokalypse Ball,

They play with lava instead of baseball bats,
and there's flying red imps that shoot blue laser cats,

Edrobot: Oh god damn I really suck at this rap.
Fleeble fleeble deeble deeble weeble fleeble dap.

Comstock: Our rap song is over, oh baby that's a fact.

Ryan: But rest assured folks, that we'll both be back.

Comstock: For this is our sentence, our penance in Hell.
To warn of the future, the only way we can tell.

Ryan: Do you really think I would choose to work with this guy?
This brain-addled moron who's ego builds to the sky?

Comstock: Okay, that's it! *tries to strangle Ryan*

*Ryan, Andrew and Karl vanish in a puff of logic*

Rose: ...well that was peculiar. 

Porrim: I'll say...

Roxy: We'd better get started then. Looks like we've got a few more weeks worth of material left.

Kanaya: Oh Joy I Can Hardly Wait.


1 comment:

  1. i dont know; i think that your rap song was hilarious