Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 39



LAST TIME, ON JAKE ENGLISH'S MYSTERIOUS THEATER OF SCIENTIFIC ROMANCE FROM THE YEAR 3000.


Edrobot: Okay so you see this guy named Caius Ballad tried to destroy the timeline and Jake Karkat and Dave tried to stop him but failed but then we learned Caius he was really being mind manipulated by a fictionalized version of Tara Gilesbie, the writer of My Immortal, so everyone went to another dimension and wandered around like a bunch of idiots until they all somehow ended up in the same place and fought her and won. Then it turns out this girl named Electra Pendragon had gone back in time to stop The Great Disaster which The Monitors were worried about (oh and The Monitors are these guys who are supposed to be protecting the universe all of whom were spawned from the first Monitor from Crisis on Infinite Earths when Superboy Prime punched the continuity in Infinite Crisis, but I didn't explain that because it's not important and Grant Morrison retconned it anyway). Now you see there's these two Monitors named Bob and Solomon who are both trying to save the Multiverse, but Solomon is evil and wants to kill everyone who knows about the multiverse while Bob thinks he can save the multiverse by finding Phelous (who's this internet reviewer that I like) because the Source Wall said so. Meanwhile this time-traveling supervillain named Monarch who is totally not Cronus Ampora even though he talks just like him, and the only way to stop him is for Jake English to receive the power of Puma Man from the Secret Wizard, which he also gave to Caliborn for some reason and the Condesce gave some of that corrupted power to Jane Crocker to turn her evil as well. Oh and Caliborn is dead now because he killed Miss Paint and was gunned down by the Suicide Squad, Lant Kreck is now a Green Lantern, Rose Kanaya Roxy and Porrim are stuck on Apokolips, the devil now works for Darkseid, and I can't keep a consistent update schedule to save my life. Also Caius Ballad is a good guy now and he's trying to save the multiverse as well but it's slow going because the Monitors can't agree on anything as illustrated by the running gag from Linkara's "Countdown to Final Crisis" review.




Edrobot: You said it, protagonist from Garzy's Wing.



I have no idea who made this image. In fact I don't think anyone does.


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Jake: Okay, chaps! Now that we have the power of puma man, there is literally nothing that can stop us from defeating monarch and saving the world!

Jane English: POWERRRRRR! UNLIMITED POWERRRRRRRR! MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Dave Strider: you really got to learn to stop saying things like that.

Karkat: OH COME ON, SHE WENT EVIL *AGAIN*?!

Dave: welp. looks like we got no choice but to open up a can of whoopass.

Pinkie: No, wait, you guys! She may be mind-controlled, but she's still our friend, and that means we can't hurt her no matter what! -0-

Karkat: WHAT DO YOU EXPECT US TO DO? READ BAD FANFICTION UNTIL SHE SURRENDERS?

Pinkie: Well I was just going to start a musical number, but that's a much better idea! ^-^

Karkat: DAMN IT.

Jake: And what work could be more painful to the eyes and ears than the second issue of that insidious trainwreck of sequential art known as "sonichu"?

Dave: something where a group of obvious strawmen are tortured raped and murdered by an invincible unsympathetic author avatar and his army of yes men??

Jake: Well... yes, but that doesn't happen until issue #10. Now, onto the comic...


Karkat: THE COVER IS INCREDIBLY LAME. WHAT A SHOCKER.

Jake: Quality of the artwork aside, this is one of chris' better pieces, at least compositionally. The whole "spotlight" motif is quite different compared to more generic groupshots, coming across as a theatrical production. I especially like the ominous egyptian tablet in the background; sorta adds a sense of mystery to the whole thing, eh wot?



Dave: oh look. two pages of shitty fake advertisement that are pointless because chris isnt actually getting paid for them. he should probably be paying them for associating his comic with their brand name. hell even overly muscled comic!chris doesnt seem to be that into it. check out this dialogue.


Pinkie: I'm... ACTING!

Karkat: AND AS IF IT WERE EVEN POSSIBLE, THE DIALOGUE BELOW IS EVEN WORSE.



Dave: you see its funny because orion is a constellation and constellations orbit around things oh wait no they dont.

Karkat: YOU FAIL ASTRONOMY FOREVER.



Dave: then theres a got milk ad. its not funny or interesting. its just there.

Karkat: MOVING ON.



Jake: Next, we get to the dedication page, and i have to admit its more than a bit creepy. While it is common practice for writers to dedicate their works to people who have touched their lives, they don't normally get into this much detail. Normally i would just skip past this and get on with the story, but one of the problems with chris' work is that it's quite near impossible to separate it from his personal life. So in order to understand the work, we have to understand the people behind the work.

Sarah nicole hammer was one of chris' childhood friends. In spite of the westermark effect, chris became attracted to sarah as he grew older and concocted an elaborate fantasy that they were destined to be lovers. Sarah, however, did not reciprocate in the slightest and instead dated a guy named wes iseli, who chris decided to demonize in this amature comic. She later married someone named william spicer-

Pinkie: No relation to Jack Spicer; evil boy genius! ^_^

Jake: ...and as far as we know continues to live a life blissfully ignorant of chris and his escapades. 

Pinkie:

Jake: I guess the only thing i can say about this page is that there's one typo that, if read the wrong way, can be take an incredibly disturbing.


Jake: *shudder*


Dave: so now that that image is haunting you for the rest of your lives lets get started with our first story.


Karkat: YOU KNOW IN ANY OTHER WORK, AWFUL PUNS WOULD BE THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL. BUT HERE? THEY'RE THE HIGH POINT.


Karkat: ANYWAY, OUR COMIC OPENS UP WITH A PERSPECTIVE DRAWING THAT DOESN'T ASSAULT YOUR EYES SO MUCH AS BEAT THEM UP FOR YOUR LUNCH MONEY.



Karkat: THEN HE TAKES A LOOK AT THE "ANCHUENT" SIGN THAT IS WRITTEN IN PERFECT ENGLISH DESPITE MOSTLIKELY BEING HUNDREDS, IF NOT THOUSANDS OF YEARS OLD. ALSO NOTE THAT IT DOESN'T SPECIFY WHICH PROPHECY, EXACTLY, SO IT COULD JUST BE ANY OLD PROPHECY.

Pinkie: Naaaw, It's obvious which one it's talking about! ^-^




Jake: And then this... uh... what is that, a ghost? A burnt thumb? Some kind of blob monster? Well whatever it is it informs Sonichu that he is the legendary "Creature of Prophecy".  


Jake: We then cut to sonichu telling chris all about the encounter he just had.


Dave: of course not. i just like making stuff up for the lulz.



Karkat: THE "CAVE KEEPER" THEN TAKES UP A WHOLE PAGE TO EXPLAIN THAT LONG AGO SOME OTHER IDIOT HAD THE IDEA OF MIXING A PIKACHU AND AN ANTHROPOMORPHIC HEDGEHOG TOGETHER, DEFINITIVELY PROVING THAT CHRIS IS NOT THE STUPIDEST PERSON WHO EVER LIVED. INSTEAD HE'S JUST ONE OF THEM.



Dave: so wait. 'pen in hand'?? does that mean that sonichu is fictional even in universe?

Pinkie: What's so bad about that? Why, some of my best friends are fictional! ^_^

Karkat: HELL, IF ANYONE SHOULD GET CREDIT FOR "GIVING BIRTH" TO SONICHU, IT SHOULD BE SONIC. THOUGH PERSONALLY I CAN'T BLAME HIM FOR WANTING TO STAY AWAY FROM ALL THIS.



Jake: Who knew that crayola model magic was such a good medium for channeling real magic?



Dave: thus making sonichu himself entirely pointless.

Karkat: THAT'S GOING BE A RUNNING THEME HERE, BY THE WAY.



Karkat: SO YEAH. THAT MEANS WHATEVER HAPPENS, IT'S ALL SONICHU'S FAULT. MAKING HIM *WORSE* THAN USELESS.





Karkat: SEE? HE EVEN AGREES WITH ME ON THE NEXT PAGE.

Dave: the art as you can tell is not great. but it does give us a clue where chris got his infamous medallion.



Dave: thats right folks. he got it straight from the garbage can.

Pinkie:






Jake: With the prophecy in mind, chris follows the old man's instructions and allows him to perform the ritual.




Dave: and then the old man died from his seizure. the end.

Jake: You know i just realized something. If the cave guardian knew this much about the so-called prophecy, then he's either lived for hundred of years or he's part of a long line of cave guardians who have been waiting for the prophecy to happen all this time. Given who the destined guy turned out to be, he must have been sorely disappointed.



Karkat: AND THEN CHRIS' ANCESTOR APPEARS IN A VISION TO DUMP SOME EXPOSITION THAT WE WERE ALREADY TOLD ABOUT TWO PAGES AGO.

Kankri: Pard9n me t9 inturrupt, 6ut can I just say 9ne thing?

Dave: no.

Kankri: G99d. Then I'll say several things. Adding 9n t9p 6f the numer9us atr9cities c9mmited t9 native american pe9ples thr9ugh9ut the ages, Chris (the auth9r), privilege 6lind as always, attempts t9 hijack their myth9l9gy 6y revealing that chris (the character) is the reincarnati9n 9f an ancient Cher9kee leader. While I certainly can't fault chris f9r attempting t9 6e multicultural, the executi9n 9f this pl9t twist is n9thing if n9t despica6le.


Kankri: Even if we assume Chris's supp9sed 6l99dline c9nnecti9n is real, the fact his imaginary Cher9kee ancest9r l99ks exactly like he d9es is a deep-seated reflecti9n 9f his white privilege. Of c9urse Chris isn't the 9nly pers9n t9 "whitewash" a hist9rical figure f9r the purp9ses 9f relating t9 a particular audience. Many retellings 9f myths and 6i6le st9ries are just as guilty 9f this. S9metimes it can 6e understanda6le, since they want the target audience t9 relate with s9me9ne wh9 l99ks m9re like themselves in 9rder t9 get a message acr9ss, such as the multitude 9f ways that the Christian figure 9f "Jesus" has 6een p9rtrayed thr9ugh the ages. Othertimes it can just 6e 6affling, such as the fair-skinned, 6l9nd-haired "Gilgamesh" fr9m Fate/Stay Night.

====== MEANWHILE =====

Electra Pendragon: *sneezes*


======================


Kankri: And even if chris did have a valid claim 9f Cher9kee heritage, he d9es a laugha6ly 6ad j96 9f depicting it. The "Cher9kee Leader" l99ks m9re R9man than anything. I c9uld 6e wr9ng 9f c9urse (trigger warning in case I am), 6ut I highly d9u6t that any cher9kee ever w9re anything resem6ling this ridicul9us 9utfit. The 9nly p9sitive thing I can say is that I'm glad that he's n9t a stere9typical, half-naked man with a feathered headdress, th9ugh given chris' predisp9siti9n t9 stere9typies this might mean he's just ign9rant.

Kankri: And finally, hedgeh9gs are n9t native t9 N9rth America, s9 there's n9 way that any kind 9f pr9phecy w9uld 6e a6le t9 refer t9 a hedgeh9g unless it was incredi6ly accurate. And if it their pr9phecies were that accurate, w9uldn't y9u think the Cher9kee w9uld put them t9 m9re imp9rtant use, like divining meth9ds 9f vaccinati9n t9 av9id 6eing wiped 9ut 6y eur9pean plagues, and averting generati9ns 9f su6jugati9n 6y eur9pean settlers? Y9u'd think the great spirits w9uld care a 6it m9re a69ut these s9rt 9f things than s9me "great evil" that's t99 far 9ff in the future t9 effectively c9m6at. This is all just 9ne m9re 6it 9f p9p mysticism fr9m a d9wntr9dden pe9ple wh9 have 6een expl9ited f9r centuries, and c9ntinue t9 6e expl9ited as they live 9n p99rly-funded and p99rly-maintained reservati9ns that remain just 9ut 9f the pu6lic eye. N9w, I d9n't claim t9 kn9w h9w t9 fix things; in fact I'm n9t even sure what "fixing things" w9uld even mean.  But I d9 kn9w that n9thing will change as l9ng as these s9rt 9f stere9types remain.

Karkat: ...YOU KNOW, FOR ONCE I AGREE WITH YOU COMPLETELY.

Kankri: Thank y9u, Karkat. N9w, I 6elieve this is the perfect time f9r me t9 segway int9 a m9n9l9gue where I explain in great detail why every9ne sh9uld 6e ashamed 9f their heritage...

Pinkie: Pull the lever, Dave! ^-^

Dave: *pulls lever*

Kankri: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh...

Jake: Hmm. And I was wondering why we had that lever.



Karkat: AND THEN LIKE A THIRD-RATE CAPTAIN MARVEL (OR SHAZAM, I DON'T READ COMIC BOOKS OKAY?), HE SPEAKS THE MAGIC WORDS AND GOES THROUGH A GODAWFUL TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE THAT TURNS HIM INTO A RECOLOR OF A RECOLOR.



Jake: Once again, I have to give Chris credit. A first-person view of a transformation is a pretty neat idea, and making the panels in the shape of Sonichu-Chris' eyes was also rather clever. 



Jake: The problem is that the first panel on the page already reveals to us Chris' transformation, so there's no suspense or buildup whatsoever.


Karkat: AND SO OUR CHAPTER ENDS WITH CHRIS' OBSESSIVE CRUSH AND THAT GUY SHE DATED ONCE RECEIVING MEDALLIONS OUT OF NOWHERE.



Dave: our next chapter is called okay seriously what the hell is that.


Dave: i think its supposed to be some kinda flaming pope hat with pikachu ears. seriously what the hell.

Karkat: THE DIALOGUE ISN'T MUCH BETTER. AND CHRIS STILL FAILS AT SEQUENTIAL STORYTELLING, SO I HAD TO NUMBER EVERYTHING FOR HIM YET AGAIN.



SERIOUSLY. THIS KID NEEDS TO LEARN HOW TO USE DIALOGUE BALLOONS BETTER.

Dave: and i love how wes immediately buys into this. whats that, mister ghost who looks exactly like me?? you want me to murder some guy?? sure he was jealous of me anyway.

Pinkie: It's no good. It must be crushed. -_-

Dave: kudos to the three of you who get that reference.

Karkat: ALSO, EITHER WES HAS A PICTURE OF CHRIS HANGING UP IN HIS HOUSE, OR PIKAPOPE HERE JUST HAPPENS TO BE CARRYING ONE AROUND WITH HIM. EITHER WAY IT'S CREEPY.

Jake: Or possibly he just has the ability to conjure up an image of chris, as a form of clairvoyance or some other such thing.



Karkat: SO THEN WES GOES THROUGH HIS OWN TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE, WITH PERHAPS THE WORST CATCHPHRASE EVER.



Karkat: SERIOUSLY. SAILOR MOON WOULD BE EMBARRASSED IF SHE HAD TO SAY THAT. WOULDN'T "FLAMING HEDGEHOG POWER" MAKE MORE SENSE?

OH RIGHT, I FORGOT. THIS IS COMING FROM THE GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHRASE "INFINITELY-HIGH BOYFRIEND FACTOR". IT'S A MIRACLE THAT IT TURN OUT AS SOMETHING LIKE "FIRE, MAKE BURN!"

Jake: Do note that many autistic people (especially as children) struggle with language development, and that Chris himself was mute as a child. Though again, given how old Chris was when he wrote this, he should have at least found an editor. After all, what kind of moron decides to undertake such an ambitious project without an editor?


====== MEANWHILE =====

Edrobot: *sneezes*


======================



Dave: we then join sarah whos also being visited by one of the ghosts of christmas past. all things considered, shes taking the whole 'reincarnation is real and my past self was married to this fat guy i knew as a kid' thing rather well.


Pinkie: The moment she starts stalking her teacher and claiming that her diary can see the future, I'm calling the cops. -_-

Dave: ...anyone get the refrence? hello??



Jake: And then there is another transformation sequence. While i wouldn't call it "inspired"  (as it clearly calls back to classic magical girl shows as well as sentai/hensin series), it's much better drawn. Though this this does lead to the troubling conclusion that Chris really enjoys drawing female anthromorphs.

Pinkie: Not that there's anything wrong with that! ^_^


Jake: Meanwhile, chris discovers that the slightest touch can cause him to revert back to normal. Artwork aside, there's three problems with this page.


 


Jake: First, in both the games and the anime, giovanni's base is clearly in the heart of viridian city, not in a forest. Mayhaps that triangle in the corner is supposed to be the edge of the city or something, but the art doesn't make that clear. And in any case, giovanni isn't important to the story anymore so the location of his base is inconsequential.




Jake: Second, there's no reason for comic-chris to list the powers he learned, because Sonichu knows about them already. This is done solely for the benefit of the reader, who would much rather see chris demonstrating these powers in some capacity.




Jake: And third, while a simple tap in the right location forcing chris to normal is a good idea for a weakness, it's woefully underutilized in the narrative itself.


 

Karkat: SO WES FINDS CHRIS AND HE STARTS ATTACKING.



Dave: me and my big pointy flying hat would help you but adventure time is on in a few minutes. cant miss that you know??



Karkat: AND OF COURSE, CHRIS USES HIS TRADEMARK POWER OF POINTING OUT THE OBVIOUS.

Jake: Air is something that you breath!

Pinkie: If you pour a bucket of water over your head, you'll be wet! Unless it's actually chocolate, in which case you'll also be delicious! ^-^

Dave: unless you dont like chocolate.


Jake: And then... um... this happens. The poor perspective makes it hard to tell if they're in any actual danger.


Karkat: ...



Karkat: ...



Karkat: *sigh* PINKIE, PLEASE PLAY THAT CLIP WE TALKED ABOUT.

Pinkie: Okey dokie lokey! ^_^





Karkat: YES, THAT IS THE PERFECT THING TO SAY AT A TIME LIKE THIS. DO YOU KNOW WHY?  BECAUSE THAT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE! AND YOU'D THINK MAYBE THIS IS JUST A SETUP TO A DUMB ONE-LINER ON THE NEXT PAGE...


Karkat: ...BUT SONICHU DOESN'T SAY A FUCKING WORD. HE JUST LOOKS BACK LIKE AN IDIOT AS WES MISSES COMPLETELY. 



Karkat: AND WHAT WAS WES TRYING TO DO, ANYWAY? DIG A HOLE TO CHINA? GROSS CHRIS OUT WITH A GIANT TURD? THE LINES ABOVE THE BROWN DON'T HELP THINGS!



Karkat: IN FACT, WHAT WAS ANYONE TRYING TO DO!? THIS IS NOT A STORY, THIS IS JUST A BUNCH OF IDIOTS RUNNING AROUND DOING STUPID IDIOT THINGS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!



Jake: So, uh. Moving on. Chris and his rival have a pair of concurrent monologues running simultaneously, with chris revealing his true feelings for sarah and wes revealing the backstory of his wasabi clan ancestor...

Dave: wait. 'wasabi clan'?? seriously?

Pinkie: Yeah, I come from a town called "Ponyville" and even I have to call this one out. -_-

Jake: Especially since wasabi is a root that is almost never found outside of japan, due to the difficulty of cultivation. Normally i'd say this falls under chris' so-called "parody clause", but to be perfectly frank this story hasn't been very funny so far. Not to mention the plot hole of why the cherokee tribe didn't already rule the world if this so-called crown of theirs was so powerful.


Dave: and of course chris feels now is the perfect time to start speaking in card game metaphors.




Dave: or maybe it is because then chris plays a yugioh card. i guess he can just do that now.

Pinkie: ^_^



Karkat: THE SAD THING IS THAT XKCD STILL HAS BETTER ART THAN SONICHU.


Jake: Sarah, meanwhile, sets the woman's rights movement back about a century by enjoying the fact that she's being fought over by a pair of scandalous ruffians.





Dave: the rest of the fights pretty predictable. they exchange cheesy one liners and shout attack names at each other for a bit. and then just when chris is about to kick the bucket sarah comes in and saves him, throwing in a clumsy inuyasha reference to boot.




Karkat: YOU'D THINK THAT WOULD BE THE END OF IT. BUT NO, THE IDIOCY CONTINUES IN "THE EVIL THAT STOMPED CWCVILLE". OR MAYBE "THE EVIL THAT STONED CWCVILLE", WHICH WOULD PROBABLY BE MUCH MORE INTERESTING. 


Karkat: IT STARTS WITH SARAH AND SAMARAH OR WHATEVER BREAKING UP WITH WES. IT'S ALMOST AS IF GOING AROUND TRYING TO MURDER PEOPLE THAT YOUR DEAD ANCESTOR TELLS YOU TO WAS A BAD IDEA OR SOMETHING.


Dave: welp. time to bring out the darth vader clip again.

Pinkie: You know, when I see that face, I imagine it sounds like Phelous, dressed as Santa Claus, pretending to die in a fire! ^_^



Jake: That's... oddly specific.

Pinkie: Thank you! ^_^


 


Karkat: INTERESTINGLY, THEY DO NOT LEAVE WES PINNED TO A TREE FOR SEVERAL DECADES UNTIL THE REINCARNATION OF A FAMOUS WARRIOR-PRIESTESS TRAVELING BACK IN TIME FREES HIM. INSTEAD SARAH DECIDES TO JUST MINDLESSLY OBEY A PROPHECY THAT TELLS HER TO WORK WITH NOT ONLY PSYCOPATHIC MANCHILD WHO SEES WOMAN AS LITTLE MORE THAN OBJECTS, BUT ALSO WITH WES ISLEI.

Dave: zing.

Jake: But the question remains; what is this "great evil", and what form will it take?






Dave: well we don't have long to wait because apparently cwcville is suddenly attacked by a rock monster.




Karkat: AND OF COURSE INSTEAD OF RUSHING OFF TO STOP IT LIKE AN ALLEGED MAIN CHARACTER SHOULD, HE PASSES THE BUCK OVER TO THE LOCAL MORON PATROL, I.E. CHRIS AND HIS "FRIENDS".



Karkat: NOOOO, YOU THINK?

Pinkie: Well, maybe they're just in-season! Back home, things like that are always coming out of the Everfree Forest! Why, did I ever tell you about the time a swarm of parasprites devoured the whole town? Or the time an giant star-bear nearly destroyed the whole town? Or how about the time that a mad god from Equestria's dark and mysterious past awoke from his eternal slumber to throw the world into chaos!

Karkat: AND TO THINK PEOPLE CALL ALTERNIA A DEATH WORLD.

Dave: ...and thats why i dont make fun of ponies anymore.



Jake: Then there's a splash page that's...  it's okay i guess. Everyone is at least roughly in proportion, and the chain of events is pretty clear. But the next page... well...


Dave: who are totally not being brainwashed by our most amazing leader.



Jake: If we are to be taking this at face value, this must mean that chris is literally the only person in cwcville who experiances sexual frustration.

Karkat: GIVEN HOW HE ACTS IN REAL LIFE, I'M NOT SURPRISED.


Pinkie: Oh no! It's someone pointing out the obvious!





Jake: Okay... this is where things get awkward. You see, Mary Lee Walsh is a real person, or rather a heavily fictionalized version of a real person. And by heavily fictionized i mean they have almost nothing in common.

Now as i mentioned before; chris is autistic, which means he has trouble picking up on social cues the rest of us take for granted. And as I believe master vantas mentioned, one of the gambits that chris had put forth unto attracting mates was the creation of an "attraction sign", a large sign that let people observing it know that he was seeking companionship. 



Jake: Another thing that might astonish you is that chris has actually gone to college. Piedmont virginia community college, specifically. And it was here that he came to butt heads with the dean of student affairs, mary lee walsh, who did not appreciate chris advertising himself all over campus. After chris stubbornly refused to change his ways, walsh eventually had him expelled (though chris was later readmitted).

Due to the impression lackadaisical his college years made on the rest of his life, walsh had become a boogeyman to chris; a representation for his enemies, both real and imagined. It is for this reason that walsh's comic self plays a central role in the Soinchu mythos, inadvertently becoming one of the most beloved characters among the comics "fans" due to her (slightly justifed) hatred of chris.




Jake: We also get introduce to count graduon, the only truly original character in sonichu. He doesn't have much in the way of personality or backstory, but in a good story you don't need that in a villain. I mean, darth vader was a scary dude and we barely knew his backstory in the first star wars movie. The joker in the dark knight seems to have no plan, motivation or backstory whatsoever. Hell, if lant were here he could probably go on for hours about how the anti-monitor carried crisis on infinite earths. Deep, though provoking villains are great, but they can work just as well when there a force of nature, something that characters react to rather than a character in it's own right.

The problem is that Sonichu is not a good story. Even the most vile, overwhelming force imaginable can't be effective in a story if there's no one interesting reacting to him. Ultimately, graduon is only interesting is that he is not a recolored hedgehog, nor is he a strawman ripped directly from chris' life.



Jake: Now where was i... oh yes. They spend a bunch of time talking about what they're going to do, while rosechu, an allegedly powerful electric hedgehog pokemon in her own right, does nothing because in chris' world women do nothing but sit around and wait for men to ravish them with their charms.

Karkat: YAY FEMINISM.





Dave: so then theres a splash page and they kill the robot golem whatever and the day is saved thanks to the powerpuff girls i mean chris chan and his droogs.



Pinkie: ^_^









Dave: so of course they dont go and chase after the psychopath that is even now plotting the downfall of humanity. instead they call a cab and go home.



Jake: And so our comic ends with Chris helping Sarah get over her breakup with wes. Thus closing the first chapter in what is no doubt going to be an epic journey, where rivals must learn to put aside their differences for the sake of the world!

Karkat: YEAH YOU WISH. WELL THIS COMIC SUCKED, WHAT DID EVERYONE THINK?

Pinkie: I hereby inform you that this comic shall amount to nothing.  -_-

Dave: (mawaru penguindrum. thats the name of the show. check it out sometime okay?)

Jake: The art is amateurish, the story is blase, and the mythology is troubling.

Karkat: AND THOSE ARE ALL GOOD POINTS. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THE BIGGEST PROBLEM WITH THIS BOOK IS?

Dave: the author is a moron?

Karkat: ...OKAY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE SECOND BIGGEST PROBLEM IS?

Jake: The author had his social development stunted by his overly coddling parents?

Karkat: THIRD BIGGEST PROBLEM.

Pinkie: The Middleman was doomed from the start to be little more than a cult classic?

Karkat: I'M GOING TO PRETEND I DIDN'T HEAR THAT. DO YOU NOTICE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THIS COVER?!



Pinkie: Hmmmm.... looks like someone drew all over it!

Dave: aww man. i was going to hold onto this mint condition comic book untill the year 2099 and sell it for like a bajillion dollars.

Karkat: THE PROBLEM IS THAT IT'S A SONICHU COMIC, BUT THE TITLE CHARACTER IS BARELY IN THE DAMN THING!

Jake: Karkat has a point. The diminishing presence of Sonichu is a common criticism directed towards the comic. As we'll see in later issues, it becomes less about Sonichu himself, and more about chris and unintentionally creepy world that he's created.

Dave: so true.

Pinkie: And now that we're done reading it, we're going to read it again! This time in pig latin! ^_^

Jane: NOOOO! I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE OF THIS! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!

Pinkie: Only if you say the magic woooorrrrds!

Jane: ...PLEASE?

Dave: the other magic words.

Jane: OH. UM. SECRET WIZARD!

*KA-THUNDER*

Jane Crocker: Gaah! *throws away the amulet* What just happened?!

Dave: you were just tricked by an alien space witch into being possessed by an artifact of immense power created by an inscrutable wizard.

Jane: Again?

Dave: yup.

Jane: Aww man! What is it about my house that makes evil space aliens want to barge into it?

Karkat: ...DO YOU EVER LEAVE YOUR FRONT DOOR UNLOCKED?

Jane: Um... maybe?

Dave: that would probably do it.

Jane: XB

Jake: Well i'm glad to see your back to your old self. Would you like to join use on our most riveting escapade to save the planet yet again?

Jane: No thanks! I've had enough adventure for one day.

Jake: Well suit yourself. Just make sure you attend the halloween party this year; I'm sure it's going to be a most happening shin-dig!

Jane: Okay! Goodbye, guys!

Jake: Goodbye, Jane!

Dave: dont be a stranger.

Karkat: JUST REMEMBER NOT TO TALK TO STRANGERS FROM SPACE.

Pinkie: And make sure you bring cupcakes to the party! ^-^

Dave: well that was certainly something.

Jake: Yep. We did good, strider, vantas.

Karkat: YEAH. WHERE WOULD THAT POOR KID BE WITHOUT US?

Pinkie: I can't help but think we forgot about something... -_-

Dave: ...

Jake: ...

Karkat: ...

*X4 FACEPALMHOOF COMBO*

Everyone: Monarch!

Karkat: ARRRGH. WHEN ARE WE GOING TO FIGHT THIS GUY ANYWAY?

Jake: Fairly soon, I'd hope. Unless the author decides to take a yet another sabbatical  or at least decided to end the episode before we made any further progress on the main story-


DETECTIVE

Jane: Ah! It's good to be back home in my nice, normal house.

Darkseid: Yo.

Jake: Aaaaah! What are you doing on my couch!?

Darkseid: Oh nothing. I was just in the galaxy, and I was just wondering if I could borrow a cup of sugar.

Jane: I'm very suspicious of that! In fact I have the sneaking suspicion that you don't want any sugar at all!

Darkseid: Very well, in that case I'll cut to the chase. How would you like to be evil again?

Jane: Uhhh, not very much, thank you.

Darkseid: You sure?

Jane:Yeah. Pretty sure. *gulp*

Darkseid: What if I offered you some free ice cream?

Jane: Well... when you put it that way...

TO BE CONTINUED!



6 comments:

  1. Darkseid: What if I offered you some free ice cream?
    Jane: Well... when you put it that way...

    ......if someday im just bored enough to write an MST of the storyline of your MST; the only thing i could say about that is: "Jane.... seriously.... WHAT THE HELL????"

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    Replies
    1. Yeah... this is one of those in-jokes that you need to know from "Countdown" to understand.

      In Countdown to Final Crisis, Mary Marvel (sister of DC's Captain Marvel, now known as "Shazam"), had lost her superpowers, so she accepted power from a well-intentioned Black Adam (Captain Marvel's mostly-enemy sometimes-ally), but inadvertently became evil.

      But after they found a way to get her back to normal, Darkseid showed up on Mary's couch to offer her power again, and for some bizarre reason she accepted and became evil again. This scene is exactly as stupid as this sounds.

      Though Grant Morrison later retconned Mary turning evil the second time as her being possessed by Desaad, one of Darkseid's sons, because all the dead New Gods were reincarnating backwards in time and blah blah blah you're not listening to me are you?

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    2. Not the same anon, so...

      The more I hear about Countdown the less interest I have in getting back into any of the DC titles I used to enjoy. (I stopped reading in part because I was getting the feeling that there was an in-house competition over who could drive off most of their readership fastest, and the more I hear about Countdown the more I suspect part of it was seeing who couldn't off their sales at all.)

      Though I think Morrison's Authorial Saving Throw was not only a poor one but there should have been an obvious easier choice. If it was set up as Mary:power::meth addict:meth... Well, there's a lot of stupid that is pretty normal behavior when a junkie needs her fix. (And then there would be the fun of having it get realized that they may all be just cases of superpower-addiction waiting to happen...)

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    3. Well there's good news and bad news about the whole Countdown thing. The good news is that Countdown to Final Crisis is not longer in continuity as of the 2011 reboot!

      The bad news is that there are a lot of other changes that came out of the reboot, some good (Earth-2 is now a very distinct and interesting setting, Constantine leads his own team in Justice League Dark), some bad (There has been only one Blue Beetle, the JSA no longer exists in the main DCU), and some just plain head-scratching (Superman and Wonder Woman are a couple, The Question is apparently some sort of supernatural being now).

      And for the record, I really enjoyed Final Crisis even though it's so confusing that I can't honestly recommend it to most people.

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  2. But...you HAVE an editor! *cries, runs away*
    Good review though

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    Replies
    1. I meant an editor for this particular series. In fact it's the fact that I make so many errors and typos in this series that I sought out your editing talents in the first place when I began writing JSJ.

      And thanks!

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