Saturday, October 26, 2013

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance From the Year 3000 Episode 40


Vriska: Oh come on, It's O8VIOUSLY Cronus. I mean he's not 8eing all that su8tle a8out it.

Monarch: Mwva ha-ha! Mwva ha-ha ha-ha! Nowv that I have my hyper death ray, I will send a message to the wvorld by destroying this Starbucks franchise wvhich by a complete coincidence Cronus Ampora (wvo is not me by the way) receivwed an justified lifetime ban from last week!


Vriska: Doesn't Alternian law in this sort of situation dictate hunting down the perpetrator and 8eating them to death with a rusty mallet?

Terezi: W3 ST1LL N33D 4 W4RR4NT. NO G3TT1NG 4ROUND TH4T.

Vriska: Fiiiiiiiine. We'll do it your way this time.


Nepeta Leijoin: :33 < *shuffles papurrs* it says here that he has at least a dozen civil suits pending on sexual harassment acquired during his day job as a factory foreman. prior to his disappearance, he swore that he would, and i quote, "make every last one of you heartless bitches pay".

Vriska: Sounds like we have a motive. How about means?


Nepeta: :33 < a time machine factory!

Terezi: 1 GU3SS TH4T WR4PS UP TH3 C4S3 TH3N.

Nepeta: :33 < now was that really so hard?

Vriska: Eh. I guess not.


Vriska: Buuuuuuuuut on the plus side, that means we get to requisition as much as we want to take down his future self. And running someone over with a laser death dank is alway a good laugh. 88888888)

Nepeta: I call shotgun!


Alfred: There's a new Pokemon game out! And you know what that means?

Lant: Time to read more comic books?

Electra: Time for you to get a life?

Opal: Print("Time to make sentient beings fight fight each other for the amusement of their human masters?")

Alfred: Nope! It means it's time to review a pokemon fic other than Dave Stider Pokemon Traner!

Monitor Bob: Do we really have time to be doing this when the multiverse is at stake?

Alfred: Oh relax, this is a good one, or at least something better than what we usually read. Guardians of Pokemon is a story written that attempts to blend the Pokemon anime with Magical Girl, Sentai and Superhero tropes. It centers around Ash Ketchum and his friends and family (including a few OCs) as they attempt to save the world.

The story was active from 2004-2007, and while it's currently dead the story manage to amass 173 chapters totalling around 765,000 words. To put that in perspective, that's longer than The Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, and The Silmarillion put together.

Lant: So... why are we reviewing it?

Alfred: Because as ambitious as it is, it's also very... rough around the edges, to put it mildly.  Like Shinji and Warhammer 40k, this is one of those stories that treads the line between So Bad It's Good and actually being good. I haven't read the whole thing, but there seems to be minimal editing, and the story in general is very silly and self-aware. Still, if you're looking for an actiony pokemon story there are worse places to start.

Electra: We're not going to review the whole thing, are we?

Alfred: Of course not! Even if we did one chapter a week we'd be here for years. Now, let's see how this starts...


Disclaimer: No, I don't own Pokemon or any of its characters. Any original characters are mine, however.

Seventeen legendary guardians

possessing powers far beyond comprehension

Opal: Play("PrincessBrideClip")

will soon arise and protect the world from a deadly force...

It was already 7 years since Ash Ketchum started his Pokemon journey. 

Opal: Print("And as of right now, the show has been on the air for 16 years. Food for thought.")

 Now that he had grown up, he had usually stayed in Pallet Town with some of his best friends Misty, Brock , Tracey, and of course, Pikachu.

Alfred: But not May, Max, Dawn, Cilan, Iris, Clemont, Bonnie, Serena, or whoever Ash's later traveling companions will be. Because those guys are just lame (and not just because they didn't exist back then).

Haloweenie: Greeeeeat continuity! Wait a second, what am I doing here?

Even though he was crowned a Pokemon master years ago, 

Opal: Print("Because of course "Pokemon Mastery" is an objectively achievable accomplishment.")

he regularly trained his Pokemon now and then. His team of Pokemon had grown since he had first started out at the age of 10. 

His travels had taken him to places like Kanto, Johto, and Hoenn, not to mention a couple more places. A lot happened in Pallet Town as well. A man claiming to be Ash's twin, Dash, arrived into the scene a year ago. 

Lant: Oh come on, you can't just an important, long lost family member out of the blue and expect him to be just as beloved as the rest of-

Lant: Never mind.

Alfred: For those of you who don't get the joke, that's Damien Wayne, the 5th Robin and the son of Batman and Talia Al Ghul. And I think we can agree that comic books are the only medium that is insane enough to get away with such a thing. I'm sure we'd never see anything so contrived in a video game, much less a JRPG-

Alfred: Never mind.

Additionally, Ash's mom gave birth to a new young girl, Chibi. Ash then spoke to the camera, 

Alfred: Damn it, Ash! How many times do I have to tell you?! Don't look at the camera!

"Yeah, there are probably a bunch of plotholes and questions by now, but just wait it out, I swear." He winked.

Electra: You see it's funny because he's pointing out the glaring plot holes. Haaaaaaah.

"I won!" Ash had just finished a battle against former gym leader Brock and won. 

Lant: Ash used redundancy. It's not very effective.

Misty looked out of Ash's kitchen window and sighed, "There he goes again, bragging about his victories." To everyone's surprise, Misty had started dating Ash. 

Electra: You mean, like, then and there or has this been going on for a while?

Lant: The way shipping goggles work, I'm surprised the author didn't assume it was a given.

Ash's mom, Delia, looked out the window, "Ahh, my little boy is growing up." Misty sweatdropped, "He's only 16." Ash's mom interrupted, "17 today! I better prepare celebrations for the big day!" Misty sighed, "It's only 17 years old. Besides, he doesn't need to grow up anymore. He's fine the way he is now."


Professor knocked on Ash's door. Misty saw him and said, "Oh, it's just you, Professor. Why should I open the door for you?" 

Alfred: Because he's a friend of the family?

Professor Oak started yelling, "Don't give me that sass, young lady! Now open the door!" Misty sighed and opened the door. "Hmph! I'm getting too old to handle theses kids." Misty just smirked.

"Hey, Professor Oak, I thought you died!" greeted Ash.

Lant: Wait, what?

Professor Oak responded, "Well, actually, Tracey had this gun at the...  but I digress.

Lant: No! Don't digress! A near-death experience sounds kind of important!

I just came to tell you that Gary just left on another Pokemon journey." Ash whined, "Again? I thought he quit the training business." Professor Oak said, "Yeah, he decided that researching Pokemon was boring a while ago while he worked with me, but anyway..." He then sighed, "What is it that made these children hate me anyway? Well, that's all I had to tell you, Ash. Don't worry, after seeing your battle skills, I doubt Gary can compare. Who knows though." He cackled his way back to the lab.

Chibi then came into the kitchen. She asked Ash, "When do I get to have Pokemon?" Ash replied, "When you turn 10." Chibi counted, "So, since I'm 7, that makes what, 3 years?" Ash sweatdropped, "Wow, you're pretty gifted at a young age."

Electra: Oh yes, basic arithmetic is a sure sign of giftedness. Then again, given how kids are expected to know basic survival skills by age ten I kind of have to wonder what exactly the Kanto school system teaches.

Opal: Print("I could explain if you want.")

Electra: *sigh* No thanks.

Back at the lab, 

Lant: ...which were were never at up until now...

Professor Oak had made a discovery. 

Alfred: My god, I just realized that Adam Sandler has never actually been funny!

"Quick, Tracey! Come here!" Tracey came and gasped, "That looks like trouble coming." Professor Oak got worried, "We'd better call Ash and the others." A voice was heard, "I don't think we'll be doing that!" "Who are you?!" cried Professor Oak. 

Lant: Oh yeah, like the guy robbing your lab is really going to identify himself so he can get arrested.

He was tied up and stashed in a corner of the room. "Hey, don't take that!" He yelled as the mysterious figure ran away leaving behind Pokemon.

Alfred: A reverse robbery! That scoundrel!

Tracey secretly got away and ran to Ash's house. He rang the bell. "Ash! I need he... Hey, do I smell cake?" Delia smiled, "You sure do, Tracey!" Tracey chewed some pieces and said, "Mmmm, that's good!" Meanwhile, Professor Oak yelled, "Damn you Tracey! You could have at least untied me first!"

Opal: Print("Tracy is kind of a jerk.")

Ash interrupted, "So, what did you want to tell me?" Tracey said, "Oh yeah. Some guy tied up Professor Oak and stole something from him." Misty yelled from another room, "About time!" 

Lant: Normally I'd be a bit more concerned, but let's face it; Ash and his friends are grade-a trouble magnets. I mean, can they ever go into town without stumbing on some ancient secret or running straight into a villainous team's scheme?

Ash went with Tracey to the lab. "I better go see what this is about." They ran to Professor Oak's lab. There were all these dark Pokemon inside. Ash sighed, "It's pretty clever to use dark-type Pokemon in the dark."

Alfred: I'm still not sure if that's supposed to be sarcasm.

Inside were a Sneasel, a Murkrow, and Houndour. Ash yelled, "Pikachu! Thunder attack!" The dark Pokemon moved fast and attacked Ash and Pikachu with rays.

Alfred: Today on Mythbusters, we're going to prove that manta rays make great weapons. How's the experiment coming along?


Ash asked, "What are those attacks?" Ash was on the move trying to dodge the rays. Pikachu used Quick Attack and tried to use another Thunder attack on the dark Pokemon. Pikachu yelled, "Pikachu!" 

Opal: Print("Thank you, Pikachu.\n Your commentary adds so much to this story.")

The dark Pokemon were shocked and ran off. 

Electra: Why is it so hard to find good minions these days? I remember back when they stuck around until they got blown into the stratosphere. 

"Wait!" yelled Ash as the mysterious figure saw the Pokemon running and tried to run as well. Ash yelled, "Who are you?" The voice said, "If I told you, it wouldn't be much of a surprise, would it?" 

Alfred: To be fair, he has a point.

Ash closed his eyes and yelled, "Wait!" Suddenly, the figure was enclosed in a blue flame. Ash gasped, "What's going on?" The flame then disappeared as the figure ran away.

As the figure ran away, Tracey untied Professor Oak. He yelled, "What took you so long, you idiot!" Professor Oak then coughed and said, "Please call the others. I have an interesting discovery." Everyone else came as Professor Oak gave his announcement.

Lant: Ugh, and here I was trying to sleep. This had better be important...

"The world is going to end." 

Lant: ...well I didn't see that coming.

Silence filled the room. 

Opal: Print("Everyone seems to be taking this remarkably well.")

Following it was utter chaos. "WE'RE GONNA DIE?!" 

Opal: Print("Never mind.")

Professor Oak started explaining, "Well, we need the Pokemons' power to stop the world from ending." Ash asked, "But why is the world ending?"

Electra: Ash of course has witnessed the near-end of the world at least a dozen times. Saving the planet is practically routine at this point.

Alfred: Just point me to the bad guy and I'll have him worshiping the power of friendship in no time!

Professor Oak laughed, "Oh, let me explain." Brock sweatdropped, "You're awfully jolly." Oak continued, "Well, you see, I had a Mystical Amulet, 

Lant: Which despite being really important I never bothered to mention because... reasons, I guess.

which was stolen by this group called the Evil Guardians. 

Alfred: They used to be called The Darkdeath Evilman Society for the Enslavement of Mankind, Destruction of the Ecosystem, Obliteration of Free Will and Mastery in the Six Hundred and Sixty Six Deadly Arts of Murder, but they couldn't fit the name on a business card.

The guardians can use the pendant, I mean amulet, to fulfill their wishes. Since they're evil, which I can assume from their name, they will use to create chaos in the world. But you see, the pendant can only be activated by catching all 386+ Pokemon, and I put emphasis on the plus." He coughed and hacked.

"As I was saying, they will need to catch every Pokemon with their Evil Guardian power. However, this threat can be countered by awakening the true Guardians of Pokemon. There are 17 of them in all. These legendary Guardians each have special powers, each related to the 17 different types of Pokemon: Grass, Water, Electric, Flying, Bug, Dragon, Ghost, Fire, Normal, Fighting, Rock, Dark, Steel, Poison, Ice, Ground, and Psychic. 

Alfred: There's also a Fairy-type Guardian, but... she's kind of weird.

====Meanwhile, in Laverre City====

Gym Leader Valerie: Weeeee! Look at me, everyone, I'm a beautiful fairy princess! I spent my life savings to move here and turn this giant tree into a pokemon gym that looks like a dollhouse on the inside, and I have all of my servants dressed in beautiful fairy kimono things that I spent weeks making! How may I majestically grace you with my most majestic and graceful presence?

Pokemon Trainer Serena: ...I'm just here for a pokemon battle.

Gym Leader Valerie: Are you sure you wouldn't rather stay for tea? Or a feast, perhaps? All of the royal gnomes and pixies of fairyland are sure to attend-

Serena: Uh... no thank you. I'm really just here to battle.

Valerie: Oh. Um... of course! Just let me get my pokeball... *fumbles around for a Pokeball*.

Serena: You know I think you might have a little less trouble if you took off that costume. What are you supposed to be, anyway?

Valerie: Oh, I'm a Cuitemingo. It's a triple-typed fairy-psychic-flying pokemon I made up. Isn't it kawaii?

Serena: know what I think I'm going to come back later. *walks away*

Valerie: NOOO! DON'T LEAVE ME! *drops pokeball, Sylveon popps out* I NEED SOMEONE TO TELL ME THAT I'M KAWAII! *Looks at Sylveon* Sylveon, tell me I'm kawaii!

Sylveon: *Looks nervously at Valerie, and hops away.*



Alfred: Yeah...

The Guardians do just what the name says, guard the Pokemon." 

Alfred: But who guards the guardians?

Lant: Boooooo.

Ash asked, "Exactly what do the Guardians have to do?" Professor Oak answered, "Good question. Their sole duty is to catch each and every Pokemon to activate the Mystical Amulet."

Alfred: Catch ALL the Pokemon!

Lant: All of them.

Ash nudged Brock, who was asleep. Brock said, "Oh, uhhh... do we really have to catch all 151 Pokemon... I mean, 251... I mean..." Professor Oak said, "Let's just leave it at 386+. 

Opal: Print ("718 by current count.")

Also, only the Pokemon who matches the Guardians type may catch the Pokemon. Now follow me and I'll show you where the Pokemon go." Professor Oak introduced the contraption, 

Electra: Wow. That is the best description I've ever heard. It's like the words are leaping off of the page.

"This machine is where the Pokemon go. They are divided to the types. If the Pokemon is dual-type, the Pokemon will be put in either of the type homes." Oak then asked, "Anyone confused." Everyone raised their hand. He sweatdropped as he repeated himself over again. 

Misty sighed, "So, now we have to find these Guardian guys to save the world?" Oak said, "Oh yeah, one more thing. I have a little mascot... I mean helper to assist you on your missions. 

Lant: Subtle.

Teleport here, Jupei!" A little orange-brown creature appeared at the transporter. He asked, "Who woke me up?!" Professor Oak whispered something to him, "Jupei, the time has come." "Aw, crap. Well, let's see our little group."

Electra: Why is it that nobody finds talking pokemon weird?  The only non-psychic type to speak on a regular basis is Team Rocket's Meowth. So why is it that more people aren't freaked out by it?

Lant: Maybe the same reason nobody's freaked out by traveling group consisting of a space alien a girl in gold armor, a real-life Pokemon wearing an Omnitool, and a Monitor.

Electra: Point taken.

Professor Oak said, "Well, actually these kids are looking for the Guardians of Pokemon. Wait a minute!" He harkened back to a few hours ago when he Ash helped to defeat the dark Pokemon. Oak turned to Ash, "I bet you're a Guardian of Pokemon, Ash." Ash gasped, "Me? You really think so?" 

Electra: Sure, make him the chosen one yet again. At least he has a good track record. 

Oak said, "I saw how you fought earlier. Those looked like telekinetic powers you used."

Alfred: *flips back a couple pages* I'm not seeing it. Are we reading the same story here?

Jupei said, "Well, if you think this amateur is a Guardian, then we should test it out. Ash, shout Psychic Power!" Ash said, "Ok." and took a deep breat, "Psychic Power!" He started to glow and transformed. 

Opal: ("Congratulations. You are now offically a Magical Boy. I bet you feel so proud of yourself.")

Electra: Being Guardian is suffering.

He was wearing special purple clothing with psychic eye marks on it. "Well what do you know? You're the Psychic Guardian!" Ash smiled. "We found 1 Guardian." Jupei sighed, "A pretty useless one if you ask me?" Ash stretched Jupei's face as Oak yelled, "Jupei! Grow up and cooperate!"

"Another adventure for us!" said Ash as he, Jupei, Misty, Brock, Dash, (whoever he is) and Tracey left.

Alfred: Poor dash. I bet he feels pretty left out right now.

"Can I come?" asked Chibi. Delia said, "Access denied!" 

Opal: ("This mother will self-destruct in three... two... one...")

Suddenly, Delia exclaimed, "Be back by 8!" Ash sighed, "But..." Delia winked, "Remember it's your and Dash's birthday!" Dash said, "Oh yeah. It is my birthday." 

Alfred: Just reminding you that I'm here, everybody.

 Ash looked at Dash for a second and finally said, "Come on, let's go!" They jumped into the air.

Lant: And so our heroes set off in a random direction with only a vague idea of what they were supposed to be doing.

The group walked along Route 1. Ash sighed, "How come ther eare no Pokemon here?!" "Calm down, " said Dash. Suddenly, a small figure appeared and disappeared in a flash of light. He appeared again somewhere else. "Wait, isn't that an Abra?" Ash looked, 

Alfred: Oof. Don't get me started on what I had to do to catch that thing...

"You're right! Pokeball..." Jupei sighed, "Wait, you're not supposed to use regular Pokeball!" Ash asked, "What?" Suddenly, Abra attacked them with a Psychic attack.

Lant: Junpei! He's the best!

"Ow!" Ash and Jupei screamed. "Run!" Ash ran. Abra then attacked the others with Confusion. "No! Misty! That's it!" Jupei screamed, "Hurry and transform!" Ash nodded, "Right! Psychic Power!" He transformed into the Psychic Guardian. Jupei screamed, "Attack them!" Ash sweatdropped, "Oops, I fogot to ask Professor Oak how to use my powers." Everyone facefaulted.

Opal: Play("SpongebobClip")

Brock said, "Wait, we have an expert here!" Jupei asked, "Who? Wait, me!" Ash asked, "What are my attacks, Jupei?" Jupei said, "Well... you're supposed to learn them as you go along." Ash facefaulted. 

Lant: Seriously, what is the point of this character? Pokemon already has plenty of mascots, you don't need another one, especially one so poorly described.

"Watch out!" yelled Misty as Abra started shooting Psybeams. Pikachu took matters into its own hands and shocked Abra. Ash cheered, "Good job, Pikachu!" Abra recovered itself. "Damn!"

Abra continued using Psybeams randomly. One of the Psybeams hit Misty. Ash screamed, "Stop!" He started chasing Abra. He teleported in front of Abra, "Stop this, Abra!" Ash tried to catch Abra with his hands, but it teleported away. Tracey suggested, "We should all try to catch it together." Ash said, "You're right!"

They all tried to grab Abra together. Abra tried to teleport around, but the 5 hands had it pinned to the ground. Finally, Ash yelled, "That's it! Psychic Blast!"

Alfred: Needlessly calling out attacks!

 A powerful psychic beam came out of Ash's hands.

"How did I do that?!" Jupei said, "It's one of your powers... Guardian!" Ash smiled, "Awesome!" Misty cheered, "Way to go, Ash!" Abra was hit with the Psychic Blast.

Jupei shouted, "Here's your chance. Say 'Psychic Ball'!" Ash yelled, "Psychic Ball!" and a ball came out of nowhere and caught Abra. 

Alfred: I'm sure I could make a joke about this. I just don't want to.

Ash cheered, "I won!" Everyone cheered. Jupei said, "But this is only the beginning!" Dash looked at his watch, "Hey, it's almost 8." Ash said, "Let's go home and celebrate my first victory as a Guardian of Pokemon!"

Jupei stayed behind smiling and thought to himself, "Ah, something tells me that this kid will make a great Guardian!" "Come on, Jupei!" shouted Ash. "Coming!" said Jupei as he flew to them.

Alfred: So, how was it?

Lant: Awful. It was vague, unedited, and doesn't do a good job of conveying drama.

Electra: Eeeehh... This might just be the nostalgia talking, but I guess it was okay.

Alfred: Yeah. The author might not have been skilled enough to pull off the grand, sweeping story he intended, but he's certainly heading in the right direction. It's biggest flaw is sudden introduction of Dash and Chibi, but thankfully remain on the sidelines for now.

Opal: Print("It was pretty amateurish. \nBut you're right, it had a lot of heart to it, and that's something more than I can say for something like Sonichu. \nYou should be a bit more open-minded.")

Lant:  Guys, I'm not criticizing it because I want the author to feel like he's a horrible person, I'm doing it because I want the author to get better. It's clear that this author has (or at least had) ambition, I'd just rather see him do a better job. Believe me, there's nothing more that I'd like to see than a really good Pokemon superhero fic.

Alfred: Well in that case I'd recommend Latias' Journey and it's sequel/spinoff, Brave New World. Both fics are high on action and have cosmic level plots that are heavy on worldbuilding. And it has everything you'd want from a good pokemon fic; everyone who had appeared on the show at the time at the story was written gets the spotlight at one point or another, and it's pretty funny at times. Just be warned that Latias' Journey starts slow, and leans towards the horror genre at times, especially near the end. And while the second one is basically a retelling of Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door, believe me when I say that it's a lot better than it sounds, greatly expanding both Paper Mario and the Pokemon Mystery Dungeon universe.

Lant: ...I'll take your word for it.

Alfred: So now that's over with... Bob, where are we again?

Bob: Oh, we're on Earth-3, the evil mirror universe. In fact your evil, Goatee-wearing counterparts are right over there.

Alfred-3: Hello, my "Good" counterpart! And welcome, to your dooooooooom!

Lant-3: Uh... I-I dunno about this, boss. These guys look pretty tough.

Electra-3: Y-yeah. Maybe we should go back and regroup with the rest of the Crime Lodge of Japan...


Lant: By that logic you must all be weak, cowardly and stupid.

Alfred-3: Oh yeah. I guess I didn't think of that.

Electra: Gee, I wonder why?

Alfred: Oy, the last thing I wanted to do today was fight ANOTHER evil twin...

Alfred-3: Wait, what do you mean "another"?

Lant: We're in a race against time with an evil, alternate universe version of Al.

Opal: Print("It's kind of a long story.")

Electra: Maybe you should try and fight him over who gets to be our Al's arch-nemisis.

Alfred-3: THAT'S A GREAT IDEA (I'm glad I thought of it)! GO

Alfred: Um, okay then. Good luck fighting evil-me!

Alfred-3: Thanks! *waits for Alfred and company to disappear through a portal* Ha ha, what a nice group of kids. I can't wait to beat the living daylights out of them. GO


Evil Alternate Future Alfred: Hmm. Guess this planet is a good enough place to start salvaging...

Alfred-3: You there, ruffian! There's only room for one evil Alfred Smith in this cosmos, and I-

*Evil!Al vaporizes Al-3 with eye-lasers*

Alfred-3: *DEAD*

Evil Alfred: Did someone say somethi- Oh great, I vaporized someone by accident again. Now who am I going to torture for information?

Lant-3: Uhh... m-mister? You wouldn't happen to be looking for a minion, would you?

Evil Alfred: Hmm? Oh, I guess I could use one of those. Here, hold this box for me. Now I'm going to go to the other side of the world for a few seconds, and as soon as I leave I want you to read what written on this little piece of paper. Toodles! *Teleports away*

Electra-3: *looks at paper* "Zeeky boogy dooj"? What on earth is that supposed to-


=============MEANWHILE, BACK ON APOKOLIPS=============

Max the Giant: NOOOOO! I HAVE BEEN SLAIN! *Dead*

Rose Lalonde: Well that's one trial out of the way. Roxy, did you find anything in his pockets?

Roxy: its another id card. i think thisone goes to the Main city.

Kanaya Maryam: Evidently The Rapping Politicans Were Telling The Truth. This Really Does Appear To Be Our Path To Salvation.

Porrim: Let's ho+pe that the rest o+f the trials are as easy as this o+ne.

Rose: Hey, you know what the best part of fighting that giant was?

Roxy: No. what wuzzit?

Rose: That we didn't need to read any fanfiction to beat him.

Porrim: Yo+u can say that again...


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