Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance From the Year 3000 Episode 44

This is a story all about how,

our lives nearly got flipped, turned upside-down.

I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there,

and I'll read you this story from my red easy chair.

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the land,

the world prepared for the battle at hand,

For Monarch, tyrant from the future who conquers the past,

was ready to take over the planet at last,

"Wvhile those three morons bumble through mindless distractions,

I'll finally put all my plans into action.

Using all of the doodads I've stolen thus far,
I'll build a time portal, to a Christmas quite far,

to a wvorld that is ruled by my grim iron fist
and bring forth my armies, whom I really quite missed,

my flying fling-flongers will light up the skies
with their flaming clamblusters shooting dynamyte pies,

while the Humdinger Legion marches in step,
to the haunting melody of General Imon Ho-tep,

who plays the Kazoomber, a trombone-like device,
that controls all the elements, rains, snow, oobleck and ice!

And then the crown jewvel of my invasioning force,
the Cadmium Golem; Final Ravager Zorst!

It was built (so they say) by the mad monk Kareem,
who ate too much who-hash and had a bad dream,

Where he was with a tall, slender man,
who bet him a secret in a game of Catan,"

Now I don't know think I need to remind you, of course,
that the Monks of Saluud were something of a force

in all board games and card games and magic (tricks too),

So Catan wasn't to hard for Kareem Aratoo

And when the slender man lost, he let the monk see
the ultimate weapon that ever would be

A living A.I. in a plalladium shell, 

powered by orphans that were burning in hell,

It stands thirty-one miles tall, width 33 and one half,

Its arms tote grenade launches, normal, fire atom and chaff

It's leg were covered in machineguns, and lasers,
tank canons, rocket launchers and even some tazers,

And instead of a head it possessed one all-seeing eye, 
that glowed with enough darkness to blot out the sky,

but in it's metal chest sits the greatest weapon of all,
a tiny black sphere, large as a golf ball,

noone knew what it did, but one thing was quite clear,
even the slender man was quaking in fear.

For poor poor Kareem, this was simply too much,
So when he woke up, he worked through his lunch,

To build the colossus he had seen in his dream,
to share all the madness; every last scream,

every gargle and moan and panicky fright,
that kept Kareem gasping for breath every night.

"But enough about him!" Monarch giggled in delight,
"For I am now ready, the time is now right!

The skys will now boil, the oceans will chrun,
and those on the ground will burn burn burn burn burn!"

But as Monarch cackled and laugh even more,
he villain had missed the arrival of four,

Dave Strider, the Time Knight, Jake English (Page of Hope, of course)
Karkat, Knight of Blood, and Pinkamena the horse.

"What ho!" Jake English screamed from his throat,
"We have you surrounded, Monarch! (least that's what I hope)"

"What? Howv did you find me?!" Monarch said with a gasp,
"My vwolcano base was safe, secure, built to last!"

"IT WASN'T TOO HARD" Karkat planted his palm in his face,

"YOUR BRIGHT NEON SIGN SAID 'MONARCH'S SECRET BASE'"

"we ran round in circles but that wasnt our plan."

Dave explained with a hot mug of cocoa in hand.

"our friends needed help, and we were at call."
"Unlike you! \_/" said Pinkie "Who has no friends at all. \_/"

"Friends?" Monarch let out a monstrous laugh.
"Friends are no more than your much worser half.

Sure it may seem somewvhat trifling,
but in my own experience having friends is quite stifling.

They expect you to be kind, courteous, and polite
to all those beneath you instead of your right,

to act like you own the place (when in fact you do),
and boss them around, like a butler or two."

"is that what you think a friend is?" John asked,
coming out of the shadows in a festive green mask,

"that a friend is just someone who must holds you back?
that keeps you from having the spine that you lack?"

"That's not it at all." Jade said as she came in to view,
leading trolls humans and dinos to Jake's rendezvous.

"A friend is a person you can count on you see,
and enough of them make kind of a small family."

"True friends stick toget)(er, all t)(e way to t)(e end."
Feferi said in a way that did not condescend.

"NOW 1TS NOT 4LW4YS GR34T" Terezi said in a huff,
"GOOD FR13NDS 4ND B4D T3ND TO F1GHT OV3R STUFF"

"And sometimes friendship can lead to something a little 8it more."
Vriska said as her wrapped her arm around Egbert's sholdoor.

And T-Rex said "But you mostly you kind get what you give. 
And let's all be honest, is that a bad way to live?"

And then it was time for Eridan to speak,
"even i knoww that's wwrong, you helmeted freak"

"maybey i'm missing something that i just don't get,
But wwhen it comes to frendship, you're clearly all wwet."

Monarch bristled with anger, he boiled with rage,
he reached for the phone book and tore out every page.

"FOOL!" he then screamed like a castrated ant,
"Your defiance costs you dearly!" and he went in a rant

which was so sexistst and racist and loud that they say,
that even everyone's eardrums grew three sizes that day,

"I'm all through with talking!" he turned on the machine,

which made a big glowing thing that was really quite keen,

"In ten minutes time my plan will complete.
and then I will be impossible to beat!"

"Not so fast!" English said, "We know your one weakness!" 
he held up a some paper with incredible sleekness,

"Hanz Von Hozel fanfics? How did you know?" 
he cowered in fear of the sleek paper's glow.

"Elementary my dear." jake said really smug
with a deerstalker cap on his head slightly hung

"For you see the clues were there all along!"
"That funny." said Pinkie, "I must have been reading this series all wrong!"

"I could tell you who he is." Jake let is arms rest,
"but I think the author himself put it best."

Hallo there, my name is Hans von Hozel.
"he says with the charm of a wedding proposal,"

I like to write stories to make an improve of my English.
"A language that is of course quite distinguished."

Please read and enjoy! :)" "he says with a smile."
"Sit tight, folks!" Rex said "This could take a while."

"I had idea when one day, I going in Berlin.
"Perhaps he had stayed at a holiday inn! ^_^"

Suddenly, everything in English! I could not understand it.
"HE'S STOLEN MY MIND AND MADE OUT LIKE A BANDIT."

It was like it in another language, so I make English and do stories in it. : D"
"and the results were much better than minute to win it."

"our first story tonight is The Bible from Hanz von Hozel."
"I just h9pe it's satire, like a m9dest pr9p9sal."

Making the World

"Is what this first chapter is called"

One day God making of the world.

"And this i applaud!"

“Oh no” say Jesus, “The world is to smal”

"You should not be born yet." Dirk said to one and all.

"I just had to say that."  to his phone then he looked down.

Suddenly, world on fire! The world burning to the ground.

“All my worlds make a breakage!” said God,

"The way you say things is really just odd."

“I need someone who can creation of a world!”

"so ill give all my powers to a weird teenage girl"

Then, God pick up a rock and zap Adam and Eve on it.

"AND I KEEP ON THINKING 'THIS STORY IS SHIT'."

“Hello I am much of Godly!” say the god.

Sollux said "iit miight ju2t be me, but ii'm not really awed."

“Oh no we can no see the gods!” say Adam.

"Could you turn on a light my dear madam?"

Suddenly, God pull a sun!  "I HOPE NOT FROM HIS ASS."

"UNLESS" “Now there be a light!” "MEANT HE JUST PASSED GAS."

“But this light make a distaction of my readings,”

"WH1CH S4DLY 1S ON3 OF TH3 MOR3 GROUND3D PROC33D1NGS."

Suddenly, the sun gav birth to a baby moon!

"thats not howw moons wwork" eridan said out of tune.

The moon danubed to the rock? "and it is now that we observe."

"the genius of Hanz von Hozel's private reserve."

"The word 'Danube', is it a verb or a noun?"

"The answer is both, you sill old clown!"

"For the word can mean whatever the hell that you want,

from scoring a touchdown to changing a font."

Suddenly, God zapped a tree of apples.

"and then iit exploded iintwo a piile of 2hrapnel."

“Now, you no make a touching of trees!” say God.

"especially ones wwhose roots are covvered with sod"

Suddenly, a snake from down the tree!

"i can see where this goes. on the count of three..."

“Hello to you!” say the snake, “You want taking of apple?”

"This rhyme brought to you by the makers of Snapple!"

Suddenly, Adam and Eve had eated all the apfels!

"I think the only other rhyme that works here is 'grapples'."

Then, God made a return from his vacation.

"since the place wasn't made yet i'm sure it wasn't hatian."

Adam and Eve suddenly hit in a cave, because the apple made them embarasement of their nakedness!

"I think Rarity could make you a... big... snake dress?"

“WHY HAVE YOU TWO CONSUMING MUCH OF THE APPLES?” 

"DAMN." said T-Rex, "NOW I NEED TO PAY ROYALTIES TO SNAPPLE."

boamed God, and suddenly the snake flew away.

"GIVEN THIS STORY, I'M NOT SURPRISED HE WON'T STAY."

“Much of flying away the snake!” said Adam!

"It looks like he points out the o8vious, madame."

“I told you no to touch my trees! YOU CREATION OF A TOUCHING!” yelled God, 

"While at the same time admiring his own heavenly 'bod."

and suddenly, he zapped Adam and Eve and they turned to dust.

"I DO HATE THIS STORY, AND HATE IT I MUST."

And with those final words the story was finished,

and the portal dissolved like acid on some spinach,

Monarch then screamed "NO! THIS CANNOT BE!"
And jake said "But It is! Now reveal your identity!"

But meanwhile, somewhere beyond the fourth wall,
Edrobot was typing these words, one and all,

When he suddenly noticed that cat was unbagged,
Monarch's true name was leaked,

"Well this just won't do." he astutely observed.
I must take steps to make sure the mystery is preserved.

He chuged down a milkshaked for a quick shugar buzz,
and typed that it was not cronus, but really it was..............................

"Valarie, the woman with dark creepy eyes!
The fairy-type gym leader from pokemon xs and ys!"

"THAT'S CORRECT!" she guffawed, removing her mask,
"It was me all along, the mystery's now solved at last!"

"BUT THAT MAKES NO SENSE." Karkat then remarked.
"YOU HAVE NO MORE MOTIVE THAN A BRAIN-DEAD COW-SHARK."

"That may be what you think!" Valarie began to wail.

"So sit back and enjoy my secret origin tale!"

"No one thought I was cute, strange as that may be,

So I said 'If I can't be Kawaii, then noone can be!'."

"wait." dave said. "is that really it?
no offence girl but your motive is shit."

"I'M RUBBER YOU'RE GLUE!" she reached into a vest pocket.
For a secret remote that then revealed a rocket.

"Merry christmas!" she said with the niceness she could feign,
"Someday I'll be back, but now I blast off again!"

And the poorly-built rocket flew up high into the night,
before it exploded in a huge ball of light.

That could be seen all the way from moscow to rome,
and might have killed Santa if he wasn't still home,

"Well that was quite lame." Dirk said with disgust.
"Most bad guys don't blow themselves up into dust."

"I don't think that's the last that we'll ever see,
of that vicious rapscallion we call valarie."

So pinkie said "But now that saving the world is all done 

Lets go party for a wee bit of fun? ^_^"

They soon agreed, they were in a nice place.
Everyone knows the best parties happen in a volcano base.

But even as they set up, not all was right with the world,

for on Earth-51, Bob's plan did unfurl.

Morticoccus, the virus made of malice and hate,

was unleashed by Solomon on 51's blank, peaceful slate,

Twisting animals, plants, even people too,

into deadly new forms that began to sweep through,

The whole human race was beginning it's fall,

And Electra Lant Al and Phelous were helplessly watching it all.

"Oh the humanity!" the young Alfred cried,

"Everyone's dying before our very eyes!"

"And if we tried to save them, we'd be infected too,

Lant dispaired, "is there anything left we can actually do?"

Even Opal was scared. "Print("By my calculations,

we have fifty-three minutes to save all this world's nations")."

But Electra, for once, was not seething with rage,

pissed off that she was not on the center stage.

"This isn't quite right." said the young Servant girl,
"This is the disaster, but it isn't our world."

"You are right, foolish hybrid." Bob sneered in her face, 
"This world that you see is just a test case.

Now that you've found Phelous, the contagion will spread
to the whole fifty-two, once Phelous is dead."

"For it was him," Solomon said,
"who was destined to stop our plans to acend

the monitor species as they originally were,
to their primal form, as kings of order."

"And destroying all worlds is part of your plan?
That you'd kill every single last woman and man?"

"Pretty much." Bob said. "I mean we are higher beings."
Solomon laughed. "We care not for your feelings!"

"Then we'll have to stop you!" and Alfred quoted Mark Twain:
"I've killed a god once, I can do it again!"

So they lept into battle; Al Lant Opal and Electra,
four perfect teammates, a quadra-trifecta.

But the battle was short and they were flat on their backs,
even before Phelous finished one of his snacks.

"Something tells me brute force is not going to cut it."
Alfred said as he mended his shoulder (which had almost split).

"Well do you have a plan?" Lant asked with much bile.
"Actually, yes." said Electra, sporting a devilish smile.

She removed from her pouce the worst fanfics they had ever seen,
"I kept these around in case we found an Akashia machine."

Something inside of Al's mind began to click,
as he realized exactly what made Electra's plan tick.

"Electra, you're a genius!" he screamed in delight,
"I would now probably kiss you if I knew you would not bite."

"I don't think I get it." Lant Kreck scratched his head.
"Just follow our lead." Alfred Smith had then said.

Internet Computer "Is the name of this story."

"About The Beatles and ABBA, and it's not very gory."

The Beatles were try to make a using of new technology, 

"That exact type of grammar makes me run up a tree."

but were confuse because the 60s!

"Print("Anachronisms in stories are always quite risky.")"

"LIVERPOL!" shout The Beatles  "which by the way,"

"in all of these stories is all they can say."

as a not workings Computer and smash to the ground!

"And none of the bodies were ever quite found."

"Ow," say Computer, "(By the way it can talk.)"

"Why don’t you make a read of instructions "Print ("Or maybe go for a walk?")"

computer instead of smash computer?"

" The Fonz once did show us gentle knocks worked quite super."

"LIVERPOL!" shout The Beatles of again 

"Can't think of a rhyme, so I'll count up to ten!"

and kick Computer out the window. ABBA made a laughing 

"Don't look at me, I'm not the one clapping."

as they watch Computer smash onto the street outside.

"Crushing a poor little boy whose egg nearly was fried."

The binary spread the floor!

"Print("Clearly the science just walked out the door.")"

Suddenly, ABBA made a stealing of all The Beatles CD’s

"So they're internet pirates! The worst of all theives!"

and made a puttings them on the internet.

"Hey guys, I found seaweed! And it still looks all wet!"

"Hahahaha," say ABBA, "You cannot use Comptuer!"

"How they got CDs on there? Well maybe they had a tutor."

"LIVERPOL!" shout The Beatles, they try to stop ABBA 

"If this was a movie, I'd crush the film with a hammah'."

steal CD’s but already stolen disks!

"That's not how PCs work, please take no more risks."

And everyone use Computer to make The Beatles go to their Ipod and a not pay Beatles!

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."

The Beatles were annoy, but could no remove songs because the 60s!

"Apparently their computers came from magic future pixies."

The songs danubed around Internet, and constructed in their binary.

"If I was old enough to drink, I'd now get drunk at a winery."

And so The Beatles go to the building of internets and steal the internet!

"No doubt fighting Al Gore and Jim Whales, whose powers are infinite."

"NO!" say ABBA, "YOU CANNOT STEAL INTERNET."

"Print("Screamed the sole voice of reason, drowned out by the illiterette.")"

But a stealing internet. "Print("Which by the way is really not possible.

Even Penny Arcade finds this plan quite impossible.")"

And The Beatles ran away with Internet, but they drop of the nets and Internet smash to the floor and a million pieces!

"The stupidness of this story, it only increases."

"THE INTERNET CAN NEVER ME CONSTRUCTED TO ITS PEACE EVER AGAIN!"

"There are so many things wrong with that sentence, my friend."

scream everyone, and they chase The Beatles around and a hitting of them.

"Merry Christmas to all who still have a brain stem."

"These stories are dumb, must I explain why?"

Lant Kreck shed a tear, trying not to cry.

"The plots are moronic, the characters dense,

and they don't even bother to stick with past tense."

"But I think they're funny." Alfred said with a grin.

"They're dumb in a good way, even though they are thin

you won't know what you get 'till you read them indeed,

and at the end of they day, they're easy to be read."

"That's all fine and good." said Monitor Bob,

"But that doesn't really stop us from doing our job."

"Just wait." said Electra. "This was part of my plan..."

And she stared at her watch's slow-moving secondly hand.

Then a dark flash of lightning, and the sound of a gun!

Evil Alfred was there to ruin everyone's fun!

"Merry Christmas!" he shouted with the mouth on his face,

"It's time for me to destroy the whole human race!"

"Someone beat you already." Electra said with a scoff,

"And this world was perfect untill those two killed off

everyone with a virus that's still going strong."

And Evil!Alfred steamed up. "THIS IS JUST SO DAMN WRONG!

"I'LL KILL YOU TO DEATH!" and before anyone knew, 

he killed Monitor Bob (and Solomon, too).

"Well okay that was fast." Lant wiped the blood off his space,

"But I think he still wants to murder us in the face."

Alfred looked at the dead guys, and wondered if all was not lost.

"I say, dear Electra; give these bad guys a toss."

So Electra picked up corpse 1 and corpse 2,

and with no hesitation shoved them at you-know-who.

"OH NO A DEAD BODY!" Evil Al did proclaim.

And like Dave Strider said, he burst into flame,

In a big ball of fire that grew and it grew,

untill it could be seen from Sala-saloo.

"Print(That was most unexpected.)" Opal finally said,

"Print("But if I'm not mistaken, all the villains are dead.")"

"But how do we stop the disaster?" Lant moaned,

"Why, it would take quite a miracle just to send us back home..."

And meanwhile, on the planet where Darksied did live,

the hellhole called "Apokolips" is where the god hid

All the gods of Olypus, for it was part of his plan,

to conquer earth (OF COURSE!) and enslave every man,

And who was the one behind this vile deed? 

The one who seeks to destroy all she sees?

Why Granny Goodness of course, the god of child abuse,

who is like some sort of mirror universe Dr. Suess.

"That's right!" she proclaimed to the girls that were at hand,

"Everything y[o]u enc[o]untered was part of my plan!

T[o] impersonate P[o]rrim (wh[o] by the way can c[oo]k s[o]me mean curries)

t[o] train y[o]u all up t[o] be new Female Furies!

And y[o]u'd all just stand there, slack-jawed in awe

n[o]t really beliving a thing that y[o]u saw.

'H[o]w did they d[o] it?' y[o]u'll pr[o]bably ask.

H[o]w did they succeed in such a gl[o]rious task?"

"Really bad writing?" Roxy said with a snark,

now sober at last, she kind of needed a lark.

Kanaya said "I Agree, This Plan Is Quite Dumb

The Depths of Your Stupidness I Can't Even Plumb."

"And what's whith the Greek go+ds?" Porrim asked for the answer she sought,

"Uhhhhhhhhhhh" and Granny Goodness just stammered as thought and she thought,

"Yeah, thats I figured." Rose rolled both he eyes,

"You say this was all planned but we see through your lies."

"Well the plan is still w[o]rking!" Granny yelled in disgrace,

"You big ugly fat ugly stupid whore face!"

"Please Evil Granny, Try Acting Your Age"

Kanaya said as Roxy snuck 'round the stage,

And used her wierd void powers to conjure up a key,

to open Zeus' cell so that he could finally be free.

"N[OOO]!" Granny screamed. "WHAT HAVE Y[O]U D[O]NE?"

"Well I think we all figured" said Roxy "that it would be fun,

to even the odds and have a god help us for a change."

And Zues said "Thank you mortal, for breaking my chains.

I know of this crisis, and how it can be solved.

For Zeus, God of Thunder, declares the plot threads resolved!"

And Apokolips exploded, but the girls were okay

because the god's thunder magic whisked them all away

to Pinkie Pie's party (which was done setting up)

along with Alfred and his friends, who also got free teacups.

"Glad you could make it!" Jade then beamed with pride,

"It's so cold out there, why don't you come inside?"

The teams looked at each other, and all shrugged their shoulders,

a Deux Ex Machina was in they eyes of beholders.

And for once in their life, the party went fine.

No villains burst in to waste everyone's time.

Caius Ballad and Yuel later came in a magic time sled,

which was on loan from Santa (at least thats what he said).

And they all played fun games like Radical Darts, 

Pin the Tail on the Hoofbeast, and Mario Karts.

And when it all was done, they gathered for the feast,

and they all then drew straws, letting Eridan and Phelous cut the roast beast.

But as they all started eating, a thought began to nag,

at the back of Al's head, like a glaring red flag.

"There are forty-nine monitors left; we only stopped two.

If they decide to do something, who knows what they'd do?

We need to be ready." and Al made some slight stirs.

"After all, as they say: Who monitors the Monitors?"

And then Lant threw his fruit punch right in Al's face.

But aside from all that, everything was right in it's place.

And so this story closes with a message to folks great and small:

Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year to all!

DETECTIVE BLESS US, EVERY ONE!