Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 11

Episode 11

Homestuck High Part 8

Previous

Jake English: Well chaps, it's been quite the month or two, but we've finally reached the end of Homestuck High! I'm sad to say that this story did come to an end before it was completed, the author is still alive apparently as she posted the latest chapter a mere month ago. For now though, this is the end of our voyage.

Karkat Vantas: ABOUT. FUCKING. TIME. I SWEAR, IF I HAVE TO SEE THE WORD "EJACULATE"...


Jake: Snarky comments aside, i'm proud to have two friends that are open minded enough to expose themselves to new ideas.

Dave Strider: eh. it's not like i had anything better to do.

Karkat: PLEASE DON'T SAY "EXPOSE". EVER SINCE WE STARTED READING THIS I'VE BEEN SEEING HUMAN SEXUAL INNUENDO EVERYWHERE. IT'S KIND OF CREEPING ME OUT.

Dave: oh come on karkat don't be such a dick. lay back and enjoy the ride.

Karkat: STOP DOING IT ON PURPOSE.

Dave: are you pulling out?? but we havent even reached the climax yet.

Karkat: I SAID CUT IT OUT!

Jake: ...um, right. Anyway, onto the final chapter!

???: I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to stop.

Jake: *GASP!* It's...! Its...! Karkat, who is this guy again?

Karkat: I DUNNO. PROBABLY SOME JRPG PRETTYBOY ON A SIDEQUEST. LIKE WHAT'S HIS NAME... CLOUD VICENT? LOYD IGLEBARD? DAMN IT ALL THESE THOSE LOOK THE SAME.

Jake: Well this guy seems to have a tribal motif... maybe he's from worlds of ultima: the savage empire.

???: ...

Dave: nah i think ive seen him before. hes from that game about time travel or something. i think hes supposed to be magus from chrono trigger.

Jake: Don't be silly dave! Magus has white hair, while this fellow's hair is has a purple hue.

Karkat: MAYBE HE'S FROM DAIKATANA? HE'S GOT A STUPID-LOOKING SWORD AFTER ALL.

Dave: yeah. what if he turned out to be superfly johnson?? whouldn't that be a shitty twist???

Pinkie Pie: Yeah! All the twists! All of them! ^0^

Dave: ...what happened to the other guy??

Pinkie: I'm substituting for Caliborn today! How am I doing so far? ^-^

Dave: fine i guess, but cal usually gives us more 50 dollar bills.

Pinkie: Okie dokie loki! I'll be right back! ^0^

???: (...Yuel, forgive me.)

Jake: Okay, okay, I got it. You are actually Magic Emperor Ghaleon, from-

???: My name is Caius Ballad. I am from Final Fantasy XIII-2. I have an urgent warning for you, and I am growing weary of these shenanigans.

Jake: That was literally my next guess.

Dave: never heard of you.

Karkat: I THOUGHT YOU ACTUALLY PLAYED THAT GAME.

Dave: yeah but i skipped all the cutscenes. i mean who even watches those things anyway??

Jake: I do.

Karkat: SAME HERE.

Dave: yeah well you guys are both dorks so you dont count. so whats with the sudden visit mister generic rpg villan number elevendy zillion? did our greatest enemies forge an unholy alliance with you so that they may us once and for all in an epic two-part special?

Caius: Don't be rediculous. What kind of idiot would think that's a good plan?

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MEANWHILE

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Caliborn: NOW THAT WE, THE GREATEST ENEMIES OF JAKE ENGLISH AND HIS FRIENDS, HAVE FORGED AN UNHOLY ALLIANCE WITH THIS JRPG VILLAIN, WE SHAL DESTROY THEM ONCE AND FOR IN AN EPIC TWO-PART SPECIAL!

Sho Minamimoto =  √( Just leave everything to me, intiger. *Crunch!* I'll add them to the heap!)

The Great and Powerful Trixie: The Great and Powerful Trixie demands vengence! Why, The Great and Powerful Trixie  will even lower myself to working with this... ape... if it means that Twilight Sparkle's friend's suffer as a result.

Sho = √(Some Old Horses Can Always Hear Their Owner Approach!)

TGaP Trixie: Is that supposed to be an insult? The Great and Powerful Trixie demands an apology!

Gaz: Yeah, destroy Strider, whatever. Can you keep it down? I'm trying to play here.

Gamzee Makara: YeAh, I'M JuSt hErE FoR ThE MoThErFuCkInG AtMoSpHeRe. CoUlD We lIkE, pOsTpOnE ThE WhOlE "kIlL EvErYoNe" PlAn fOr a wEeK Or sOmEtHiNg? I'M JuSt nOt fEeLiNg iT RiGhT NoW.

Caliborn: ...FINE. HOW DOES NEXT TUESDAY WORK FOR YOU GUYS?

TGaP Trixie: The Great and Powerful Trixie is booked solid that day. She is performing at a senior citizens home and does not want to be bothered.

Caliborn: OKAY... HOW ABOUT WENDSDAY?

Sho =  √( Heh. I was gonna factor some hectopascals that day.)

Caliborn: ...THURSDAY? 

Gaz: Street Fighter IV tournament. Friday's good though.

Gamzee: WoRkS FoR Me.

Sho =  √( Not much else that day.)

TGAP Trixie: The Great and Powerful Trixie supposes that would be adequate...

Caliborn: FINE. MEETING DISMISSED. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!

Sho = √(This entire meeting is Garbage! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!)

TGAP Trixie: Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!

Gamzee: Ha Ha HeE hEe Ho Ho!

Gaz: Wierdoes...

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Caius: ...what was that?

Jake: Oh, sorry. There's been a lot of Family Guy gags going around recently. 

Karkat: JUST TRY NOT TO MENTION ANY CONTEXT THAT COULD BE DEPICTED IN A HUMOROUS FASHION.

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A few hours ago, in his underwear.

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Karkat: I NEED A HERO! I'M HOLDING OUT FOR A HERO 'TILL THE END OF THE NIIIIGHT! AND HE GOTTA BE STRONG AND HE'S GOTTA BE FAST AND HE'S GOTTA BE FRESH FROM THE FIIIIGHT!

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Karkat: DAMN IT.

Dave: so yeah we kinda got off track. what are you here for again??

Caius: I am here to deliver not a threat, but a warning; Cease this ridiculous fanfiction show of yours, or else.

Karkat: OR ELSE WHAT?

Caius: Or else I will kill you.

Dave: okay. i dont think english is your first language because that was totally a threat.

Jake: But you're a villain of cosmic-level power! Why would you even bother us about something like this?

Caius: 50,000 years ago, an ancient civilization discovered that bad fanfiction was the most powerful force in the entire universe.

Karkat: THAT MAKES NO SENSE.

Caius: But, after the prophet Gilesbie had a vision of the future bad fanfiction had been eradicated, the civilization fell into a state of anarchy and destroyed themselves in a mighty civil war.

Karkat: THAT MAKES EVEN LESS SENSE.

Caius: In a last ditch effort to save their dying civilzation, the prophet Gilesbie sent a manuscript into the future, a manuscript that would become the canonical starting point of all bad fanfiction. That is the origin of My Immortal, the catalyst from which all badfic springs from.

Karkat: THAT MAKES SO LITTLE SENSE THAT IT WOULD REQUIRE A PHD IN STUPIDOLOGY JUST TO BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND HOW STUPID THAT IS.

Jake: But how would sending My Immortal to the future save Gilesbie's civlization?

Caius: Because... when you change the future, you also change the past.

Karkat: HOW DOES THAT I DONT EVEN

Dave: actually compared to our usual time shenanigans this is pretty straightforward. kinda stupid but straightforward. 

Jake: Well, i still don't think any of this stuff is actually "bad", but if the choice is between dying and stifling creative expression, then by golly i'll choose death!

Dave: tea and cake for me please.

Pinkie: I'll have the chicken! ^-^

Caius: ...Is that so? In that case, this room shall be your grave!

Jake: Not quite! If what you said is true, that these stories (which again i don't think are all that bad) are the key to our victory! Dave! Karkat! Pinkie Pie! Let us join together and peruse this final chapter, so that we may vanquish this foe from our domain!

Dave: eh.

Pinkie: Uhh... this sounds more like something Twilight should handle... 0_0

Karkat: HELL NO. I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE WHILE I STILL CAN! SEE YA!

Jake: *observes as Karkat jumps out a window, only to crash through the window on the other side of the room*

Dave: by the way did you know that according to einstein that space and time are both interconnected? i dont know the math behind it but it basically means time control guys get to pull this kinda bullshit whenever they want.

Jake: Well now that vantas here has established that escape is impossible, want to give my plan a try.

Karkat: OKAY FINE WHATEVER. JUST MAKE IT QUICK!

im rely happy with al of thw reviws im getin from people an evryoen giving me support! im 1000000 percent serius about this story! 

Pinkie: Why so... serious? ^-^

Dave: 1000000 percent?? how does that even work?

and im sory about sum of da wierd spelings i gt a virud n itz mesed up mi comp :c so sum ov it locks wired?

Kakrat: OH SO IT'S BEEN THE COMPUTER'S FAULT THE ENTIRE TIME. THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING!

Dave: if this is what her writing looks like with spellcheck id hate to see what it looks like without.

AND AS 4 DA OTHA REVIWS DA ONEZ HO R DAYIN DAT DIS IS BAD ITZ NOT OKAY!? 

Jake: Yeah! Go tell 'em!

I WORK RELY HARD ON DA PLOX 4 DIS U DNT UNDERSTATMUNT 

Dave: well of course we dont understantmunt. we cant read what youre saying half the time.

AN U DNT NO WATS CUMIN OKAY

Karkat: OH NO WE KNOW ALL TOO WELL WHAT'S "CUMIN", THANKS TO YOU.

Dave: ...you know for someone who hates human courtship behavior so much you sure tell a lot of sex jokes.

 SO DNT JUDGE U ASSHOS. TO PROVE OU WRON I FINALY GT MY STY OF MI HRDDRIVE N I ROTE IT PROPRLY CUZ U AL HAV A PROBLEM WIV MI WAY SO WEN U RED IT TRY N FIND SUMMIN WRNG WIV IT DEN!

Dave: so now youre asking for us to find things wrong with the story? make up your mind already. do you think its bad or not??

Rose was seating sadly on the bed with the carcasses of fracktured bones and devil chi;ldren surronded at her feet with the blood of angleic innosence on her fingertips.

Pinkie: What does this sentence mean? @_@

Jake: I think it means that there's dead babies on the floor.

Karkat: KEEPIN' IT CLASSY!

Sollux hath taken her away from her friendships and had carved her into a crimsen spicked room with mutalated woman hanging from the cielings by their ovulation systems and with the baba fetuses in there eye sockets. 

Karkat: WE'RE GOING TO GET A LOT OF LETTERS FROM PRO-LIFE GROUPS ABOUT THIS EPISODE, WON'T WE?

She new that if she wasn't plesurabl enough for Solux she would join them in there patehtic orginic mooonlight tango sway dancings.

Pinkie: That sounds kinda fun, actually! Except for the "organic" part and coprses and all the blood... um, nevermind. *_*

She dreamed of a dream that bleed into the feers of presipece and her eyed sangof a tail of forgetten masurcation.

Karkat: [INSERT JOKE RELATED TO WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT LAST SETENCE MEANT HERE]

Dave: yeah. you said it karkat.

Pinkie: *plays canned laugh track*

"Rose" Sollex repairended

Karkat: WHAT IS THAT WORD SUPPOSED TO BE ANYWAY? "REPAIRMANNED"?

Jake: You mean the act of manning a ship with repair workers? That is totally a real word.

Karkat: SAYS WHO?

Jake: Says the oxford english dictionary, right here!

Karkat: HMM. GEE, FUNNY HOW THIS IS THE ONLY PAGE THAT IS WRITTEN IN RED INK ON LASER PRINTER PAPER.

Jake: It was a last minute addition. Just like the words "cromulant", "awesomesauce", "ideostuporific", and "stridertastic".

Dave: yeah. everyone knows that oxford has a team of ninjas that constantly add additions to all their dictionaries.

Jake: And i know this is true beacuse every new page has the oxford seal stamped on it.

Karkat: ...I MIGHT NOT BE AN EXPERT ON THIS SORT OF THING, BUT I'M PRETTY SURE THE OXFORD SEAL DOES NOT DEPICT AN OCTOPUS RIDING ON A SKATEBOARD.

Dave: shows what you know.

 as his cracked yellow and crusted fingernaels claws at her underbelly with a loving delite "I can sence the baba's souL!"

The misphoniac creyd and excreeted loudly

Karkat: TOO MUCH INFORMATION.

 weith a voice that belowed songs from the hearth of a love she lost "No! YOu are a fat nerd geek with wired glasses that feasts on the fetuses of gothic childs sent frm haven to punish your instigationed soul!

Dave: so his punishment for bieng a demon is all the kiddie souls he can eat? i dont think its working.

 I CAN;T HAV SIX WITH A TROLL LIKE YOU!"

he probebly had fifteen girths any way.

Dave: assuming it wasnt one already i now declare that "fat sollux" is an internet meme.

"YOU LIE!" he hisses and his vemnom spat a cross the walls and turnwed the bodys of the mutalated victems in to hydrocloric acid and it leathered down and burnt throught the skull made floors. 

Jake: This of course, reinforces the fact that Sollux is the villain of this story.

Dave: thanks. i almost forgot.

He flew flew backwards to the corner of his cieling and gloared at her 

Karkat: GLOAR, NOUN: A GROAN LOUD ENOUGH TO BE MISTAKEN FOR A ROAR. LIKE WHAT I AM DOING CONSTANTLY WHEN READING THIS.

with the fire of heathed passeon you can fdind in french lullabys.

Dave: maybe i'm not listening to the right ones, but im pretty sure lullabies arnt supposed to be full of "heathed passeon". youd keep the baby up all night doing that.

"I lust johnatan NOT YOU!" she eviscerated softly wilst she cries the velvit tears odf the mennopauses that climacate from the ruens of the reched pedimeants of life.

Dave: when did this writer turn all goffic?

"HE IS CUMMING FOR ME"

Karkat: ...TOO EASY. MOVING ON.

"No Rosa..." Sollux abatemented and he toke of his glasses to reveal the eyes of a worm lordess 

Dave: ha. jokes on you. worms dont have eyes.

who crathed the fleash of the billium rectations of lacing china silk 

Karkat: IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT SILKWORMS?

and his sockets were emptyed with aluminiem tissues made from the pancreus of god, 

Dave: gods pancreas is apparently made of aluminum. who knew?

"HE HAS SEXUAL INTERCURSE WITH GAMHEE AND TAVROS IN THE MOUNTAIN." he came.

Dave: gasp. you mean john cheating on his girlfriend turned to be... a bad thing???

Jake: And thus the plot comes full circle!

Rose started to crey the tears of raen that fals on venus only no raen ever gos their becuz theres no warter

Jake: Hooray for scientific accuracy!

 but they were filed with the love of volcanic explshions and exploitees.

Her tears made ouddles on the floor as she run form the room and Sloluz laughed liekt the evil man he was

Jake: Truly, demon!sollux is one of the most well developed, multi-faced characters of our time.

and cascadared down so that the voilcanic water eruoted from her eyes went over his cloths and set them on fire but did not kil him becauze he's not flamabil.

Pinkie: So he's fireproof but his clothes arn't? That seems kinda silly... ( _ ) 

Jake: Being a demon, he probably sets his clothes on fire all the time for effect. Like how blackbeard reportedly set his own beard on fire in order to make people think he was demonic entity.

Karkat: AND THAT'S WHY THERE ARN'T VERY MANY PIRATES ANYMORE.

Dave:  i dunno i think he had something clever going on there. i mean at least it kept the ninjas away.

Soon he would watter his sweat rose with the piss of a 1000 dragoons beter then she watered herself (AN: LYK PHOTOSINFURSIS.)

Karkat: THAT IS NOT PHOTOSINFUR- I MEAN PHOTOSYNTHESIS. 

She preeched out her creys liek a jesus gospil book only it wasnt a book byut a song so shut up.

Dave: uh oh guys. i think this story just became self-aware. better hide the time machine before schwarzenegger steals it.

Nepita came from the rapprochement of Neptune

Jake: Since the planet neptune represents illusion, confusion, and deception in astrology, im going to guess that nepeta is going to betray sollux at some point. Just to let you know.

Dave: i doubt the author thought that far ahead but given how crazy everything else is id say its a fifty fifty chance.

and flys through the windpw smelling like the rottan corpses of a hundread falcons who eat the spit of neckbeerds and cry form the rapped childs of acquiescene and luggaged toward the willting flower.

Karkat: ...I DON'T WANT TO KNOW HOW THE AUHTOR KNOWS WHAT THAT SMELLS LIKE. OR HOW HE EXPECTS US TO KNOW WHAT THAT SMELLS LIKE.

She had bought froth the antediluvian waters of neptunia to heel her soul befor it was selled to the obsolote devil in dersey.

Karkat: ACORDING TO THE DICTIONARY, "ANTEDILUVIAN"  MEANS; "OF OR BELONGING TO THE THE PERIOD BEFORE THE GREAT FLOOD". HOW THE FUCK DOES THE AUTHOR KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?!

Dave: she probably just saw them in some shitty vamprie rpg and just made an effort to use them as much as possible.

Karkat: YEAH, THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.

"Eat the water" she beleagured and rose eat it up.

"You must fight the power"

Dave: row row. fight da powah.

neptuina crotheled in dissamence her wiskers food from ASDA peace whistled in lite harmeny wen her eyes fested upon rose's week body.

Karkat: OH GREAT, JUST WHAT WE NEEDED. ANOTHER LESBIAN.

her tonge rise forth from the grond to pluck out a needel thred that she plunged in to her skin so she to could dancing in the abanaxed magnatic heet of the sun with her pussy and handled it to Rose "Use et as le lockpic."

Jake: Ah, see? I told you she would betray sollux!

Dave: even a broken clock is right twice a day. 

Pinkie: Unless the hands fell off or it's a digital clock! Then it's just useless! ^_^

"if you continu with this you well break you're mind." the fluoresent crows cawudeled in lustful desier as they pluked the maggots from there inermost sacral areas to fed rose.

Karkat: OH MAGGOTS HOW HORRIFYING.

Dave: heres a tip kids; you can make anything scary if you just throw maggots in somewhere.

"i must fight for john and our baby and for HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION!" rose molested the

Dave: nice to see your priorities are in order.

"Very Well" Nepeta "I will make arrangments."

Rose slept uneasy that night.

that's da end of chupter 8! plz review wat wil nepeta plan wats goin 2 hapen 2 tarvos now karkat again revoo n find out!

Jake: Unfortuantly we never do find out, as the fic ends right there. But worry not, for there was a big gap between the author's last two updates, so it is possible that this story may be continued in the future! But for now, our time with this story has come to an end. So what did you guys think?

Dave: well i have to say its better than the usual my immortal clones because at least this author looked at a dictionary at some point. plus her attempts at metaphor were so hilariously terrible that im probably going to  copy paste some of her lines into my upcoming sweet bro and hella jeff movie novelization. plus she seemed pretty well read for a fanfic author. i mean who else would think of turning john into a jason blood parody.

Jake: Who?

Dave: you know. jason blood. a comic book character. he has the power to turn into a demon named etrigan. you never heard of him?

Jake: Sorry, i dont read comic books.

Dave: dude. you are missing out on the biggest continuity shitstorm since star wars. and just wait untill i introduce you to rob lifeld. you havent lived untill youve read youngblood.

Jake: What is it about?

Dave: hell if i know but theres a black guy in it named 'chapel' whos power is having lots of guns.

Jake: Well color me intrigued! I guess i ought to check it out sometime. But we're getting off track; What did you think about it, pinkie pie?

Pinkie: I thought the art in Youngblood was terrible, especially early on in it's run. And the costumers were just... oh you mean fanfic! I thought it was enjoyable silly, except for the sex scenes. They didn't fit in very well, and they uncomfortable to read. *-*

Jake: Do you have any closing words for us, karkat?

Karkat: I HATE THIS STORY.

Jake: ...is that all?

Karkat: YEP. THAT'S PRETTY MUCH IT.

Jake: Well then i guess that's it! Thanks for watching, folks, and tune in next time when we review...

Caius: *ahem*

Dave: oh yeah i almost forgot you were there.

Caius: If you three are done goofing around, it is time to end this!

Jake: Not so fast, ballad! Now that we've finished homestuck high, we are in the perfect position to harness the power of fanfiction!

Caius: Oh really. In that case, where is your Akasha Engine?

Karkat: OUR WHAT?

Caius: Your Akasha Engine. Your magical device that collects and refines the power of bad fanfiction into a usable power source.

Jake: Oh. Uh. I was actually kinda hoping it would just happen automaticly. You know, like the power of love.

Pinkie: Or the power of friendship! ^_^

Jake: Yeah, that too.

Karkat: *FACEPALM*

Caius: ...Sadly, life does not work like a bad romance novel. Do you have any last words?

Jake: By golly i do! You may strike us down now, caius, but as long as there are fandoms there will people people who write fanfiction! And as long as there is fanfiction there will be people who read fanfiction! And as long as there are people who read fanfiction there will be people who read what the people who read fanfiction have to say about said fanficiton! And as long as there are people who read what the people who read fanfiction have to say about said fanficiton, there will be people who- *is impaled by Caius Ballad's sword.*

Karkat:

Dave: well shit.

Pinkie: Uh oh. I know a dark fic when I see one... 0_0

Caius: Who will be next to stare death in the face?

Dave: i dont suppose we can talk about this...

Caius: No. We cannot. *kills Dave Strider*

Karkat:

Caius: And now for the... "Pony" was it?

Pinkie: Ha! Joke's on you; I'm a cartoon character! You can't kill me with a sword! ^-^

Caius: You're right. But I can kill you... with this!

Pinkie: No, not The Dip! How did you know that was my weakness?

Caius: ...being immortal means you have a lot of time on your hands, so I watch a lot of movies. Who Framed Roger Rabbit just happens to be one of my favorites. But that's not the point, is it?

Pinkie: NOOOOOOO I'M MELTING! Please... tell Rainbow Dash... that I... I... I'm sorry that I lost her "Best of the Wonderbolts" DVD! *dies* X~X


Karkat:

Caius: What a waste of time. And you, Vantas. A natural born rebel with the heart of a poet; to think you let yourself be reduced to reviewing vulgar fanfiction. It makes me sick just thinking about it.

Karkat:

Caius: No last words? Very well then. So long, Karkat Vantas. Perhaps we'll meet again in the next life. *Kills Karkat*

DETECTIVE.