Monday, September 24, 2012

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 12



From left to right: Lant Krek, Alfred Smith, Electra Pendragon, and Ditzy "Derpy Hooves" Doo
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Meanwhile, in the Robo-Cave...

Edrobot: Now that I've killed the most popular Homestuck characters, I, The Great and Powerful Edrobot, will create an entirely new MST series with my own characters! MWA HA HA HA HA!

Andrew Hussie: Not so fast! The only one who's going to killing off Homestuck characters is me!

Edrobot: *Gasp* Andrew hussie?!?! How on earth did you find my secret headquarters?!

Andrew: I looked it up in the yellow pages. It was listed under "S" for "Secret Headquarters".

Edrobot: I knew that would come back to bite me...

Andrew: Now retcon everyone's deaths, or else I'll run you down with this rusty machete!

Edrobot: Okay okay fine, geez...




Back at Headquarters or wherever.

Lant Kreck: Okay guys, listen up; Jake English is dead and Caius Ballad IS STILL OUT THERE, no doubt planning to kill god or destroy the world or do some other JRPG villain things, and it looks like WE ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO CAN STOP HIM! Anyone got a plan?

Alfred Smith: Well we've got a good-sized party, but it's kinda unbalanced we still lack a dedicated healer. Luckily I managed to use an Akasha Engine to build a time machine that runs on bad fanfiction. I believe that if we follow Caius' path, we'll eventually find a shy and mysterious white mage who is the last of her ancient race of magic users that will will join our party and no doubt be indispensable in fulfilling some kind of prophecy STOP.

Electra Pendragon: Oh please, what help would some plebeian sorcerer be? We spend too much time associating with commoners as it is.

Alfred: Well your, um, magesty, given that the alternative to not working with a "commoner" is likely the premature heat death of the universe I feel it would be wise of you to lower your standards a tad. Just this once? STOP

Electra: *sigh* if I must...

Lant: (Dude, quit the act. EVENTUALLY she's going to realize you don't work for MI6)

Alfred: (And eventually she's going to realize she's not the long-lost princess of Uruk, the true ruler of England, or any of the dozen other impossible things she's claimed. STOP)

Lant: (Not if you keep feeding her delusions.)

Alfred: (You're not exactly a good role model mister "crime-fighting vigilante pretending to be a Troll as his secret identity". STOP)

Lant: (Well at least I don't think I'm going to get the girl in the end because the world runs on RPG tropes.)

Alfred: (...how did you-?!  STOP)

Lant: (I READ YOUR FANFICTION. You know, the stuff you posted on your blog? Seriously, OC names like "Albert Smish" and "Eliza Dragoon" arn't fooling anyone. And don't even get me started about "Vriska Elric"...) 

Alfred: (Vriska Elric is a totally original character! STOP.)

Lant: (If you say so...)

*KA-CRASH!*

Ditzy Doo: Hey guys! Sorry about the wall!

Alfred: Ah, Derpy! Perfect timing! Did you bring the story I asked for? STOP

Ditzy: Sure did! I got it riiiight here!

Electra: "Dave Stdider Pokemon Traner"? Sounds stupid.

Alfred: Oh it's stupid all right. MY GOD is it stupid. But it's stupid in a good way, you know? STOP.

Lant: Sounds like the perfect fuel for the Akasha Engine!

Alfred: You got that right! So let's dig into Chapters 1 and 2 of Dave Stdider Pokemon Traner, and- STOP

* KA-TARDIS!*

Alfred: Blimey! Another time machine?! STOP

Dave Strider: you got that right.

Lant: Dave strider? Karkat? Jake? Pinkie Pie? We thought you were dead!

Pinkie Pie: Nope! We're still alive! And this time we brought cake! ^_^

Jake English: And with any luck, so does Caius. That plan of yours to replace ourselves with Nestene Duplicates with a smashing success!

Karkat Vantas: NO, IT WAS STUPID AND I'M SURPRISED THAT IDIOT FELL FOR IT.

Electra: Nestene what? Who are these plebeians and what are they doing here?

Dave: funny. i was about to ask your the same thing. except i would have said douchebags.

Electra: Why I never-

Alfred: Uh, I'm Alfred Smith, SBURB player from a parallel universe. I've always been a big fan of yours mister Vantas, and it's a real pleasure to meet you if I do say so myself. STOP

Karkat: UH, THANKS.

Alfred: And these fine blokes beside me are Lant Kreck, a Terronian who had been living on Alternia up 'till recently, and Electra Pendragon, who is- STOP

Lant: A crazy girl with superpowers who thinks she's a Mary Sue.

Alfred: Laaaaaaaant! You should have let me intoduce her! STOP

Electra: (Please, as if I'd really let a commoner introduce me. And that term they use... "Mary Sue". What does it mean anyway?)

Dave: okay look we don't have time for this. we gotta get going before spacetime ends up like a ping pong ball in a spaghetti factory. whatever that means. the short version is that the day before caius supposedly killed us we found an oracle drive that showed us being killed by that son of a bitch. so we used one of jakes dr who dvds to alchemize replicas of ourselves and then use a future-only time travel thing to drop them off and then we went even futther into the future which is right now i guess.

Jake: And now we need that time-machine you just made to keep Caius from futher mucking up the timeline!

Lant: Why don't you use your OWN time machine?

Dave: i lost it in a poker game to clubs deuce. that guy might look dumb but deep down he is a mean card  shark.

Alfred: Well... I guess I could always build another one. STOP.

Dave: thats the spirit. now go away so we can start reading.

Alfred: Uh... yeah. What he said. STOP.

Lant: So, any other ways we can stop CAIUS?


Electra: If my father were here he would pound that arrogant prettyboy down in ten seconds flat.

Lant: ...even assuming he would listen to you, him being here would create more problems than it would solve.


Alfred: Well there's this witch I've heard of who's trying to perform "Time Compression". Maybe we could pay her a visit? STOP.

Electra: *sigh* If we must...

Ditzy: Wait for me!

Karkat: ...FINALLY. I THOUGHT THEY'D NEVER LEAVE.

Jake: What a nice group of kids! Though that alfred guy seems kinda familiar...

Dave: so yeah. dave stdider. pokemon traner. you game??

Jake: Ah yes, Dave Sdider Pokemon Traner; a perfect blend of two entirely fandoms that have little in common. I do say that I have fond memories reading this work.

Karkat: DO I HAVE ANY OTHER CHOICE?

Dave: we could not go and leave the timestream be destroyed.

Pinkie: And we can't let that happen! The timestream is where I keep all my stuff! *_*

Karkat: YEAH YEAH, WHATEVER.

((my old acount got deleted

Karkat: GEE I WONDER WHY.

so i made an new 1! 

i will be writitng storys here now so stay tooned! as usal, this story is a crossover! 

Jake: For those not familiar with the filmography of XxXCascaderXxX (better known as XxXHinataDockingXxX), over two accounts this author has published such fine works as hart shaped love, the new recroot and more recently pained harts. Not surprisingly, she brings the same amount of grace and dignity to this work.

Dave: i agree with you completely. just for different reasons.

enjoyt!))

ring rign the phone went as davee got ot of bed.

Karkat: CANON VIOLATION NUMBER 1:  DAVE STRIDER NEVER TURNS ON HIS PHONE. EVER.

Dave: answering phone calls is too mainstream.

he pickiced it up and it wuz his fav pokemon professor OAK! 

Karkat: AS OPPOSED TO PROFESSOR ELM, OR PROFESSOR BIRCH.

Jake: Actually those really are names of other characters in the series. Professors, in fact, along with Professors Rowan and Juniper.

Karkat: ...POKEMON IS STUPID.

'hey oak howz it going"

Dave: becauz poor literacy is 99% of this fic.

 dave asked. very god dave"

Pinkie Pie:

^-^


 oka replied.

Karkat: SO THEY NAME PROFESSORS AFTER TREES AND OBSCURE UNITS OF MEASUREMENT? THAT'S NOT A VERY CONSISTENT THEME...

 it is time for u to come get a pokermon now dave so get 2 my lab quickl!

Dave: fucking quotation marks. how do they work??

Jake: Actually dave, speaking without quotation marks is an important theme of the story. It represents narrative inertia, that some things are so ingrained into the framework story that they might as well be narration instead of dialogue.

dave run to his lab in his pajamass (Just lik ash LOL) 

Jake: Look at this passage. As the story is about a Pokemon Journey, tradition holds that the story must rigidly follow the conventions set by the franchise. It's a critique on the fandom as a whole!

he wuz so in a hurry that he forgot his shandes on his dressert.

Jake: Now look again. By making dave forget his iconic shades,  the author is distancing himself from the fandom he originates from, representing similar stories where the author loses sight of one side of a crossover's fandom.

Dave: im on a horse.

Pinkie Pie: *whistles the Old Spice theme*

 "im here dave sed as he brust in oaks door".

Karkat: "TALKING TO YOURSELF IS UNHEALTHY." SAID OAK, "I THINK YOU NEED TO SEE A DOCTOR."

i want a pokemon now oak dave siad. 

Pinkie Pie:
^-^

Karkat: I THINK I'M GOING TO REGRET BUYING THAT PORTA-PRINTER.

he wuz ded sirius. 

Dave: not that he told anyone of course. even in the wizarding world if people knew sirius black's corpse running around would cause quite an uproar.

Edrobot: ((Special thanks to Vyro P. Dragon III, who I pretty much stole that joke from. After you're done reading this, please watch this video he made.))

"sorry dave" oak said ther are no more pokmon left bu i will let you pickp any 1 from the pokerdex and u can use i in your advenure.

Karkat: REALLY? OAK CAN GIVE DAVE ANY POKEMON? JUST IMAGINE IF TEAM ROCKET GOT WIND OF THIS?

Dave: yeah i mean fuck that ash kid. why settle for a measly pikachu when you can have anything you want?

cool dvea sed. i choose u GROUNDOON.

Dave: looks like fictional me catches on pretty quick. high five.

groundoon was a ledgend and very cool so dave picked him and he was aslos on fire

Dave: okay i take that back. catching yourself on fire is not cool.

 becuz he knew fire blapst witch 

Pinkie:

^-^

Dave: okay now youre reaching.

is a very strong mov. dave went to left oaks lab but frist oak warnered him

Pinkie: Hmm. You know it has been a while since I've talked to Yakko, Wakko and Dot. Maybe I should invite them!

Karkat: OH NONONONONO. WE'VE GOT ENOUGH EXTRANIOUS JOKE CHARACTERS AS IT IS.

*MEANWHILE, AT THE MALT SHOP*

Caliborn: DAMN IT, WHERE ARE THEY? YOU SAID THIS WAS WHERE ALL THE HEP CATS HANG OuT!

Sho: Oh they're be here all right. As long as the variable match up, my calculations are never wrong. *CRUNCH*

TGaP Trixie: For you maybe, but The Great and Powerful Trixie has more important places to be!

Gaz: Idiots...

*BACK AT THE TIME MACHINE*

 and sed "watch out 4 team bad and ther leaders jack and karkart

Karkat: WELL AT LEAST THIS TIME I'M TEAMED UP WITH SOMEONE I KIND OF LIKE. AT LEAST WHEN HE'S NOT A GLOWING GREEN DEATH DOG.

Dave: that is only not a spoiler because it makes no sense out of context.

 they wnat to steel all the pokemn

Dave: they want to make pokemon very stiff and inflexible?

and kill u."

Karkat: FINALLY! A CHARACTER WITH A MOTIVATION I CAN GET BEHIND!

 "oh no" dave said "this is not good. how can i bee champ if im ded?"

Dave: wernt you already dead? i mean you said you were zombie sirius already.

 exzackly oak sed u must avoid them at alll cops.

Dave: i dont get it. do you want me to avoid cops?

Karkat: NO, HE WANTS YOU TO THROW COPS AT TEAM BAD WHILE AVOIDING THEM.

Dave: ah. got it.
so dav left adn he now had groundoon! wat will hapen nixt?

Karkat: PROBABLY WHATEVER HAPPENS NEXT IN THE GAMES, GIVEN HOW UNCREATIVE THIS STORY IS.

Jake: That's it! We've charged up the time machine! Now, while we have the element of surprise, let us boldly go where no MSTers have gone before!

Dave: news flash. we have no idea where he's going.

Jake: But I know where I would go if I was in his shoes. If he wants to prevent fanfiction from exsisting, then no doubt he will start at the source! To prevent Caius from messing with the first piece of fanfiction ever written! 

Karkat: YOU MEAN...?

Jake: Yes! Brush up on your Sumerian, Karkat, because we have a date with King Gilgamesh! But, um. Not that kind of date...

Dave: too late. some fangirl just wrote a Jake English x Gilgamesh shipping fic.

Jake: Oh hell.

DETECTIVE

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