This episode contains another badly written sex scene, and is thus Not Safe For Work. If you have been mentally scarred for life by reading this chapter, please form an angry mob and start an "Occupy Wall Street" rally. This will not help your situation in the slightest, but it will keep you off the internet long enough for me to flee the country.
Dave: is it ben "yahtzee" croshaw?
Jake: Uh, no. Not that special.
Dave: doug walker? the angry video game nerd? the penny arcade guys?
Jake: No, not them either.
Karkat: ADAM SANDLER? PHELOUS?
Jake: No, but you're getting closer.
Dave: is it andrew hussie?
Jake: No, he's not important enough. It's, um, Kankri.
Karkat: WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! KANKRI IS PRETTY MUCH THE WORST GUY EVER!
Jake: What? He seems like a pefrectly nice guy. I hope he's willing to talk about the story!
Dave: oh hell talk all right. and talk. and talk. and talk. and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk...
Karkat: JUST TRUST ME WHEN I SAY YOU'RE GOING TO REGRET THIS DECISION.
Dave: ... and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk...
Jake: *shh!* Quiet! Here he comes!
Kankri: Ah, g99d evening Vantas, Strider, and... English, was it? I assume this is where you wanted me to come?
Jake: Why yes it is! Are you ready to start reading the story?
Kankri: I'm afraid t9 ask exactly what this ridicul9us st9ry of y9urs entails, 6ut without pr9per c9ntext I cannot hope to possi6ly give it any kind of meaningful analysis, critique, or c9mmentary. After all it's a widly accepted fact among scholars that meaning cann9t 6e derived without pr9per c9ntext, s9 therefore t9 deny me c9ntext is to stand in the way of my search for meaning, and 6y extension, my search f9r truth.
Dave: allright fine. to reacp; karkat is tavros rose is a slut i'm a wimp sollux is a demon edrian is hellboy and aradia is a genie. right now theyre trying to go to derse so they can get help from a genie to stop sollux from kidnaping one of roses sons. happy now??
Kankri: That is hardly a sufficient recap. 6ut since you are all clearly amateurs and the st9ry y9u are reading is allegedly of little substance, I will attempt to st99p d9wn to your level in 9rder t9 dem9nstrate pr9per methods of literary analysts. For starters, we must first determine the Zeitgiest (aka the spirit of the era). To 6egin with, this w9rk's first installment was published on 8-26-11, during a peri9d of time known in the middle-east as the Arab Spring, marked by a wave of revolutionary demonstrations and protests (since Islam and the middle east are both very touchy subjects, if these are Triggers for you then you might do best to stop listening). Though belived to have actually begun in late 2010, when Mohamed Bouazizi commited self-immolation in protest of-
Karkat: OH GOD PLEASE *SHUT UP*!
Jake: I'm afraid i must concur with my cacophonous companion. You are being needlessly verbose and quite honestly i don't see what this has to do with anything.
Kankri: I 6elive I see the problem; you still hold the (very nieve) viewpoint that stories are collections of plots an characters when in reality a story is little more than a collection of metaphors and allegories that reflect the culture of the civlization producing it.
Dave: so youre saying all those angty vampire romance novels are actually about the recession.
Kankri: Actually they are reflecti9ns 9f humanity's increasingly hed9nistic lifestyle c9upled with their fear of an9nymity and ultimately death, but yes, you seem to have the basic gist.
Jake: But what about fun movies like "indiana jones", or "starship troopers"?
Kankri: Reflections of cold-war era fears and the postwar culture that dominated and to a lesser extent continues to dominate the american lifestyle. Now as I was saying; the sucess of the ensuing Tsunisian protests sparked unrest in other countries, such as-
Karkat: DOES IT LOOK LIKE WE CARE ABOUT TUNISIA?!
Kankri: ...N9, 9f c9urse n9t. H9w f99lish 9f me, t9 think i c9uld educate such close minded pe9ples such as yourselves (again, trigger warning; my statements a6out y9ur cl9se-mindedness are merely my 9pini9n and n9t emperical fact). T9 that end, I will attempt t9 simplify my critique even further s9 to av9id c9nfusing y9u 9r y9ur audience, as I assume they are of the same level of s9cial awareness as y9u are.
Jake: Uh... thank you?
Jake: Uh... thank you?
Dave: im pretty sure that was supposed to be insult.
Karkat: (NOW DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHY I HANG OUT WITH YOU TWO INSTEAD OF THIS GUY?)
Jake: (Sadly, i think i do.)
Karkat: SURE, WHY NOT. IT'S NOT AS IF YOU CAN RUIN THIS STORY MORE THAN YOU ALREADY HAVE.
JOHN POV
i relly didnt no what to do about it all it realy seemed to much. I was in love with rose but somthing didnot feel rite about it. it seemd as tho she was ledding meonto sumthing that i felt unsuely aboot. I fell as thought i should protect her but it was all to much and i was scarred. i didnt no if i wanted to do this.
"My boy" tarvos cooed as we waked up the mountain "yu can do this becaus you are a worrior and u strive for it!"
"maybe i can help you decade in time jonathan" tarvos wiggled his eyebros.
I begun too fell hot at that. Tarvos was attractive nd i had a crush on karkit when he was their but i wasnt homo.
Kankri: Hardly. J9hn here is simply f9ll9wing his instincts by defending his matesprit, wh9m he regards (likely c9rrectly given the context of the story, th9ugh again beware of Triggers in regards to this) as 9verly em9ti9nal due to being of the female gender. But y9u are right, casual sexism is an9ther issue that keeps most shows aimed at females from pr9spering. 6ut that's a major trigger in 6f itself, and I feel the p6int is beyond the sc6pe of this debate. N6w, as I was saying; the w9rks 9f Arist9tle pr9vide insite int9...
I new rose all ways had a thing four jade to. the way they looked at one anoter was filed with hot firy passione and i new they wanted one another. It was kinda hot tho sence they were two girls and it turns me on.
JOHN POV
i relly didnt no what to do about it all it realy seemed to much. I was in love with rose but somthing didnot feel rite about it. it seemd as tho she was ledding meonto sumthing that i felt unsuely aboot. I fell as thought i should protect her but it was all to much and i was scarred. i didnt no if i wanted to do this.
"My boy" tarvos cooed as we waked up the mountain "yu can do this becaus you are a worrior and u strive for it!"
Dave: if you have to resort to stealing dialogue from the zelda cdi games youre doing something wrong.
"i feel liek my luck has gone with the wind tho"
"i feel liek my luck has gone with the wind tho"
Jake: Another subtle reference to a cinematic classic.
i repelled "do i rely love rose? Or is their someone else?"
Dave: warning. incoming slash fic.
Jake: It's nice to see that the author's forshadowing has paid off!
Karkat: IF BY FORSHADOWING YOU MEAN SCREAMING IN THE FIRST SENTENCE OF THE SECOND CHAPTER "JOHN IS NOT GAY! YOU HEAR ME? NOT GAY!"
Jake: He's was just in denial about his sexual identity. Even though this is the first chapter that is explicitly told in first person, the rest of the story has clearly been told from john's point view. Hence all the freudian slips, such as repeatedly using "ejaculate" as a verb describing speech, and mispelling "come" as "cum".
Karkat: BY YOUR LOGIC, ALL THE OTHER STUPID MISTAKES AND BAD WRITING MEAN JOHN HAS BRAIN DAMAGE... WHICH WOULD EXPLAIN ALOT, NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT.
Kankri: Intersesting h9w 6rain damage is the first pr9blem that y9u prescri6e t9 a character hinted at 6eing h9m9sexual. N9 d9ubt the remnants of the 50's era media empire has brainwashed y9u int9 thinking that h9m9sexuals are "damaged" in s6me way. While s9me well meaning 6ut sh9rt sighted gr9ups (which I shall n9t name in fear 9f inciting triggers) use this as a way t9 garner sympathy, in reality d6ing s6 is damaging to the cause as a wh9le. F9r instance...
Jake: (Does everything need to be a social issue with this guy?)
Dave: (if you think this is bad you should see what he thinks about politics)
Kankri: Intersesting h9w 6rain damage is the first pr9blem that y9u prescri6e t9 a character hinted at 6eing h9m9sexual. N9 d9ubt the remnants of the 50's era media empire has brainwashed y9u int9 thinking that h9m9sexuals are "damaged" in s6me way. While s9me well meaning 6ut sh9rt sighted gr9ups (which I shall n9t name in fear 9f inciting triggers) use this as a way t9 garner sympathy, in reality d6ing s6 is damaging to the cause as a wh9le. F9r instance...
Jake: (Does everything need to be a social issue with this guy?)
Dave: (if you think this is bad you should see what he thinks about politics)
"maybe i can help you decade in time jonathan" tarvos wiggled his eyebros.
Dave: does karkat even have eyebrows??
Jake: No, but canon!tavros does. Presumably he grew them back over the timeskip in chapter 5.
Pinkie Pie: But that's a good question. Why doesn't Karkat have eyebrows? ?_?
Kankri: My w9rd, is that a...?
Karkat: YES, THAT'S A PONY. WE DON'T KNOW HOW SHE KEEPS GETTING IN AND WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET RID OF HER.
Kankri: Interesting. The "br9ney" human subculture has always 6een a fascinating one. Why w9uld n9rmal, adult males (and females, th9ugh given their traditi9nal gender r9les their involvement is hardly surprising) w9uld partake in the fand9m of a sh9w wh9's target audiance is far 9utside their dem9graphic in terms of both age and (in the case of the af9rmenti9ned males) gender. Perhaps it has to d9 with the changing (or, perhaps, neutering) of how american culture sees "masculitiy". The cause could 6e one of many things; a unf9rseen result of the feminist m9vement, a gr9wing trend in human r9mance that the man sh9uld be sensitive in additi9n t9 str9ng, 9r even...
Pinkie: (Wow, this guy sure likes talking!) 0_0
Kankri: ...we can further trace these r99ts 6ack t9 classical antiquity, where the c9ncept of "Platonic L9ve" was 6eing devel9ped. 6ut of c9urse this is 9nly half the st9ry, we als9 need t9 c9nsider the aspects 9f the sh9w that lend itself t9 pr9pigation 9n the internet. The crisp, clear animati9n style of flash all9ws f9r...
Jake: (Maybe if we don't say anything to him he'll just ignore us.)
Pinkie Pie: But that's a good question. Why doesn't Karkat have eyebrows? ?_?
Kankri: My w9rd, is that a...?
Karkat: YES, THAT'S A PONY. WE DON'T KNOW HOW SHE KEEPS GETTING IN AND WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET RID OF HER.
Kankri: Interesting. The "br9ney" human subculture has always 6een a fascinating one. Why w9uld n9rmal, adult males (and females, th9ugh given their traditi9nal gender r9les their involvement is hardly surprising) w9uld partake in the fand9m of a sh9w wh9's target audiance is far 9utside their dem9graphic in terms of both age and (in the case of the af9rmenti9ned males) gender. Perhaps it has to d9 with the changing (or, perhaps, neutering) of how american culture sees "masculitiy". The cause could 6e one of many things; a unf9rseen result of the feminist m9vement, a gr9wing trend in human r9mance that the man sh9uld be sensitive in additi9n t9 str9ng, 9r even...
Pinkie: (Wow, this guy sure likes talking!) 0_0
Kankri: ...we can further trace these r99ts 6ack t9 classical antiquity, where the c9ncept of "Platonic L9ve" was 6eing devel9ped. 6ut of c9urse this is 9nly half the st9ry, we als9 need t9 c9nsider the aspects 9f the sh9w that lend itself t9 pr9pigation 9n the internet. The crisp, clear animati9n style of flash all9ws f9r...
Jake: (Maybe if we don't say anything to him he'll just ignore us.)
I begun too fell hot at that. Tarvos was attractive nd i had a crush on karkit when he was their but i wasnt homo.
Dave: suuuuurrreee you are...
I loved rose and i needed too procreate her babys from Sollux sence she was a woman so she couldnt do it. i had to be a man and standup for her.
Karkat: HOORAY FOR CASUAL SEXISM!
Kankri: Hardly. J9hn here is simply f9ll9wing his instincts by defending his matesprit, wh9m he regards (likely c9rrectly given the context of the story, th9ugh again beware of Triggers in regards to this) as 9verly em9ti9nal due to being of the female gender. But y9u are right, casual sexism is an9ther issue that keeps most shows aimed at females from pr9spering. 6ut that's a major trigger in 6f itself, and I feel the p6int is beyond the sc6pe of this debate. N6w, as I was saying; the w9rks 9f Arist9tle pr9vide insite int9...
I new rose all ways had a thing four jade to. the way they looked at one anoter was filed with hot firy passione and i new they wanted one another. It was kinda hot tho sence they were two girls and it turns me on.
Dave: knowing this and you continue to be loyal to her... why?
suddenly there was a hand on my figh. I mooned and saw it was Tarvos who were grinin at me.
Karkat: TRUST ME, EXPOSING YOUR BUTTOCKS IS BE THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO DO.
My face was red and i lucked awaay but Gamzee caught it. his eye fishes in my and there were no where to look. I was surronded.
"we no u want ouer harddics in your harddrive johnny..." tarvos giggled
Dave: that is the least sexy pickup line of all time. at least i think it was a pickup line. for all we know theyre trying to repair a computer.
I moaned.
Karkat: PLEASE STOP TRYING TO MAKE THIS STORY SEXY. IT IS NOT WORKING.
"we wont tell rose it okay" gamzee seed when cumming over "my wand can make miracles."
they were rite.i wanted it. i wanted themm. this is who i am.
Dave: a bisexual manwhore who cheats on his girlfriend.
Karkat: OUR HERO, EVERYBODY!
Kankri: I sh9uld p9int 9ut that a p9lygam9us lifestyle d9es technicly have s9me advantages in terms of 6r9adening the gene p99l...
Karkat: OH LIKE YOU WOULD KNOW.
"Ok...do it..." i said and pulled down my pants.
Gamzee came over and groped my warhammer of zillyhoo and tavros wet my crater with his hot tendancies.
Karkat: I WILL NEVER LOOK AT HAMMERS THE SAME WAY AGAIN.
i got hard and begun to moon and tarvos stuck his bull into my flower and then gamzee did the sam. it felt rely good to hav both of them in me an makin my bucket bigger.
Dave: at this point i belive this sex scene was so bad that weve all gone insane and our brains are just barfing out random words because we cannot possibly comprehend it.
"ooh gamzee! tarvos! pull it in more! ooooh yeaaaah" i yodeled as i roded them on the mountain.
then i came and then they both came in me and they spill theyre pollen in side my flower.
Dave: professor honeybee is not amused.
But then somthing extrinordinry happened. tarvos stood up and his eyes widen like sausepens.
Karkat: PLEASE DO NOT SAY "SAUCE" EVER AGAIN. ACTUALLY, PLEASE REFRAIN FROM USING METAPHORS THAT REFERENCE ANY KIND OF FLUID WHATSOEVER.
"I remembur now...I AM KARKAT!" karkat came.
suddenly there was a hand on my figh. I mooned and saw it was Tarvos who were grinin at me.
Karkat: TRUST ME, EXPOSING YOUR BUTTOCKS IS BE THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO DO.
My face was red and i lucked awaay but Gamzee caught it. his eye fishes in my and there were no where to look. I was surronded.
"we no u want ouer harddics in your harddrive johnny..." tarvos giggled
Dave: that is the least sexy pickup line of all time. at least i think it was a pickup line. for all we know theyre trying to repair a computer.
I moaned.
Karkat: PLEASE STOP TRYING TO MAKE THIS STORY SEXY. IT IS NOT WORKING.
"we wont tell rose it okay" gamzee seed when cumming over "my wand can make miracles."
they were rite.i wanted it. i wanted themm. this is who i am.
Dave: a bisexual manwhore who cheats on his girlfriend.
Karkat: OUR HERO, EVERYBODY!
Kankri: I sh9uld p9int 9ut that a p9lygam9us lifestyle d9es technicly have s9me advantages in terms of 6r9adening the gene p99l...
Karkat: OH LIKE YOU WOULD KNOW.
"Ok...do it..." i said and pulled down my pants.
Gamzee came over and groped my warhammer of zillyhoo and tavros wet my crater with his hot tendancies.
Karkat: I WILL NEVER LOOK AT HAMMERS THE SAME WAY AGAIN.
i got hard and begun to moon and tarvos stuck his bull into my flower and then gamzee did the sam. it felt rely good to hav both of them in me an makin my bucket bigger.
Dave: at this point i belive this sex scene was so bad that weve all gone insane and our brains are just barfing out random words because we cannot possibly comprehend it.
"ooh gamzee! tarvos! pull it in more! ooooh yeaaaah" i yodeled as i roded them on the mountain.
then i came and then they both came in me and they spill theyre pollen in side my flower.
Dave: professor honeybee is not amused.
But then somthing extrinordinry happened. tarvos stood up and his eyes widen like sausepens.
Karkat: PLEASE DO NOT SAY "SAUCE" EVER AGAIN. ACTUALLY, PLEASE REFRAIN FROM USING METAPHORS THAT REFERENCE ANY KIND OF FLUID WHATSOEVER.
"I remembur now...I AM KARKAT!" karkat came.
Karkat: I'M PRETTY SURE I SHOULD BE HAPPY ABOUT THIS. WHY AM I NOT HAPPY?!
Kankri: Clearly my message has 6egun t9 sink in.
"omg" me and gamzee said
karkats back now! WHTT WILL HAPPN IDK LOL I DO BUT U DNT REVEW PLZ OK HE PLOTZ GETTIN HARDUR!
Dave: what a twist.
Karkat: THANK GOD THERE'S ONLY ONE MORE OF THESE LEFT.
Jake: So... kanri. You're not planning to stick around for further shenanigans, are you?
Kankri: I w9uld rather eat my 9wn testicles (n9t that plan t9 ever use them) rather than waste an9ther m9ment reading this redicul9us h9dgep9dge of wish-fulfillment and sexual self-gratificati9n that you are attempting t9 pass 9ff as a great w9rk 9f human literature. If this is truely the pinnacle of human achivement (which is d9ubtful given y9ur skewed perspective 9n such matters), then humanity has n9 h9pe bey9nd that which I can pr9vide. And even if I did (heaven for6bid) derive enj9yment from this w9rk, I have more imp9rtant things t9 d9 anyway, such as writing lengthy letters to filmmakers and televisi9n studi9s c9mplaining a69ut their depicti9n and treatment of min9rities.
Jake: Oh, good... i mean that's too bad. But I guess you just have more important things to do!
Kankri: Indeed. But bef9re I g9, please all9w me to explain in great detail why I dispise ficti9n in all it's f9rms. First 9f all...
Caliborn: HOW CAN THIS STORY BE OVER WHEN I AM NOT HERE?!
Kankri: 9h. Hell9, Cali69rn. Did y9u seek me 9ut s9 that we may resume 9ur de6ate 9n the ethicality 9f y9ur eugenics pr9p9sal?
Caliborn: IF BY "DEBATE" YOu MEAN "SCREAMING MATCH" AND BY "PLAN FOR EuGENICS" YOu MEAN "MY PLAN TO KILL EVERYONE", THEN YES, DEBATE AWAY.
Kankri: 9kay then. First 9f all i w9uld like to point 9ut that you plan d9es n9t seem t9 have any signficant l9ng-term gain. Sec9nd, eugenics as a way of "self-evolving" scoiety has been discredited by scientists acr9ss the gl9be.
Caliborn: OH YEAH?! WELL YOU'RE STuPID!!!!!!!!!!! YOUR SWEATER IS STuPID!!!!!!!!!!! YOuR ENTIRE PLANET IS STuPID!!!!!!!!!!! STuPID!!!!!!!!!!! STuPID!!!!!!!!!!!
Kankri: There y9u g9 again with the Ad H9minim attacks. Y9u would never last five minutes in a real de6ate team.
Caliborn: WHO NEEDS AD HOMINIM ATTACKS WHEN I CAN DO AD HOMICDE ATTACKS INSTEAD?????????? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!
Jake: (There's a tree outside my window. Maybe if we fall into the branches we'll only break half the bones in our body when we land. All in favor say "aye".)
Karkat: (AYE.)
Dave: (aye)
Pinkie: (Aye.) p_p
"omg" me and gamzee said
karkats back now! WHTT WILL HAPPN IDK LOL I DO BUT U DNT REVEW PLZ OK HE PLOTZ GETTIN HARDUR!
Dave: what a twist.
Karkat: THANK GOD THERE'S ONLY ONE MORE OF THESE LEFT.
Jake: So... kanri. You're not planning to stick around for further shenanigans, are you?
Kankri: I w9uld rather eat my 9wn testicles (n9t that plan t9 ever use them) rather than waste an9ther m9ment reading this redicul9us h9dgep9dge of wish-fulfillment and sexual self-gratificati9n that you are attempting t9 pass 9ff as a great w9rk 9f human literature. If this is truely the pinnacle of human achivement (which is d9ubtful given y9ur skewed perspective 9n such matters), then humanity has n9 h9pe bey9nd that which I can pr9vide. And even if I did (heaven for6bid) derive enj9yment from this w9rk, I have more imp9rtant things t9 d9 anyway, such as writing lengthy letters to filmmakers and televisi9n studi9s c9mplaining a69ut their depicti9n and treatment of min9rities.
Jake: Oh, good... i mean that's too bad. But I guess you just have more important things to do!
Kankri: Indeed. But bef9re I g9, please all9w me to explain in great detail why I dispise ficti9n in all it's f9rms. First 9f all...
Caliborn: HOW CAN THIS STORY BE OVER WHEN I AM NOT HERE?!
Kankri: 9h. Hell9, Cali69rn. Did y9u seek me 9ut s9 that we may resume 9ur de6ate 9n the ethicality 9f y9ur eugenics pr9p9sal?
Caliborn: IF BY "DEBATE" YOu MEAN "SCREAMING MATCH" AND BY "PLAN FOR EuGENICS" YOu MEAN "MY PLAN TO KILL EVERYONE", THEN YES, DEBATE AWAY.
Kankri: 9kay then. First 9f all i w9uld like to point 9ut that you plan d9es n9t seem t9 have any signficant l9ng-term gain. Sec9nd, eugenics as a way of "self-evolving" scoiety has been discredited by scientists acr9ss the gl9be.
Caliborn: OH YEAH?! WELL YOU'RE STuPID!!!!!!!!!!! YOUR SWEATER IS STuPID!!!!!!!!!!! YOuR ENTIRE PLANET IS STuPID!!!!!!!!!!! STuPID!!!!!!!!!!! STuPID!!!!!!!!!!!
Kankri: There y9u g9 again with the Ad H9minim attacks. Y9u would never last five minutes in a real de6ate team.
Caliborn: WHO NEEDS AD HOMINIM ATTACKS WHEN I CAN DO AD HOMICDE ATTACKS INSTEAD?????????? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!
Jake: (There's a tree outside my window. Maybe if we fall into the branches we'll only break half the bones in our body when we land. All in favor say "aye".)
Karkat: (AYE.)
Dave: (aye)
Pinkie: (Aye.) p_p
DETECTIVE
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