Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 13





===2500 BC===

Gilgamesh: Well, it took me a whole week, but I finally achieved my dream of to building a life-sized statue of myself entirely out of toothpicks and playing cards. And several thousand years before either of those things were invented! Servants! *clap clap*

Random Servant #1: Yes, my lord?

Gilgamesh: I need one of you to invent ice cream so that I may have it with dinner tonight, so that I may celebrate my glorious achievements, and have the other servants get to work on inventing glue to hold the statue together. Untill then I don't want anyone coming within a thousand cubits of it, do you understand?

Random Servant #1: Yes, your highness, I will protect it with my very life!


*Tardis Noises. Time machine lands on statue of Gilgamesh.*

Karkat Vantas: YOU CALL THAT A LANDING?!

Jake English: Sorry, it seems that the old girl pulls a bit to the left.

Pinkie Pie: That was fun! Let's do it again! ^-^

Dave: yeah. i hate to buck your bubble or whatever horse themed metaphor would apply here but theres some angry dude staring at us and boy does he look pissed.

Gilgamesh: Mongrels! How dare you defile the visage of the king with your otherworldly contraption! I should have you executed right this moment!

Karkat: NOW HOLD ON, I'M SURE WE CAN FIND A REASONABLE-

Gilgamesh: Enkidu, sic!

Enkidu: RAAHHH! DESTROY!

Karkat: WHAT ARE YOU- OH GOD- AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAA!

Jake: Wait, so that's gilgamesh? Why is he a blond guy?

Dave: because thats how he looks in an anime based on a visual novel based very loosely on arthurian mythology and as we all know from anime all foreigners are blond. of course todays story has nothing to do with that show so idk.

Karkat: I GIVE, I GIVE!

Enkidu: THERE CAN BE NO MERCY FOR THOSE WHO DEFY THE KING, ONLY DEATH!

Pinkie Pie: ...shouldn't we be trying to help Karkat? 0-0

Jake: I concur; that nelson hold does look quite painful.

Enkidu: I WILL TURN YOUR EXISTENCE INTO A NEVER-ENDING VORTEX OF SUFFERING!

Karkat: I WOULD SAY THAT YOU ARE A FEW YEARS TOO LATE FOR THAT BUT I'M HAVING TROUBLE SPEAKING WITH YOUR FIST SHOVED DOWN MY THROAT!

Dave: okay geez fine. sorry about the statue dude it was a total accident.

Jake: *Gets down on one knee* I beseech thee, your higness! Spare us from your wrath, as we are but humble time travelers seeking naught but to deliver an urgent message from the future!

Gilgamesh: Oh very well. *snaps fingers*

Enkidu: YOU LIVE TODAY, MAGGOT, BUT YOU WON'T BE SO LUCKY NEXT TIME!

Karkat: ...I...I CAN SEE THE LIGHT. NANNA? IS THAT YOU?

Dave: dont be such a baby you dont even have a grandma. just eat a large pizza and youll be just fine. just like in earthbound.

Karkat: A PIZZA? THAT'S YOUR ADVICE? I'M ON DEATHS DOOR AND YOU WANT ME TO EAT A FUCKING PIZZA? FOR STARTERS, HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO FIND A PIZZA, LET ALONE SWALLOW-

Delivery Man: Hello! Mach pizza delivery! Here is your pizza pie, sir!

Pinkie: Thanks, mister! *pays for the pizza, and then shoves it down Karkat's throat* ^-^

Karkat: *COUGH*, *COUGH*, *HACK*, DAMN IT, STRIDER!

Dave: see?? just like in earthbound.

Gilgamesh: ...did you commoners actually have a message for me, or are you just here to waste my time with your fourth-wall breaking antics? 

Jake: Right, sorry about that. We came here to warn you that a man named caius ballad is trying to destroy the timeline, and that you yourself may be in grave danger!

Gilgamesh: Ah yes, Caius of the Ballads. He was here not more than a few minutues ago, to warn me that my best friend Enkidu would die if we set off on epic quest today like we planned.

Jake: But you must go! the epic of gilgamesh, the story that your deeds inspired, is the first story ever written. It is the cornerstone of all literature, and by extension the cornerstone of all fanfiction! There's no telling how your story's absence could affect the timeline!

=====Meanwhile, in the Present...=====

Electra Pendragon: Have you finished your time machine yet? It's been hours already, and I'm getting bored arguing with these plebians on the internet about the validity of my One True Pairings.

Alfred Smith: Well I'm happy to say that I'm almost halfway done- 

*BOOM*

...Um, make that quarter of the way-

*CRASH*

...I'm a tenth of the way though at least. But I have good news nonetheless! STOP

Lant Krek: You've finally found a way to save my planet from destruction?

Alfred: Uh, not that good. But thanks to Caius Ballad's meddling in the past, the Green Lantern movie actually turned out to be pretty good! STOP

Lant Krek: Huhn. Well how about that? I guess we can wait a little longer.

Alfred: The bad news is that Mike "The Situation" is now President of the United States. 

Lant: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO- wait a sec, who's he running against?

Alfred: Charlie Sheen.

Lant: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

=====Meanwhile, back in the past...=====

Gilgamesh: It's not my problem.

Jake: But think of your legacy! Think of what the world would be missing if it lacked your divine presense! Heroes throughout the ages would be left without inspiration! Why, just look that this story!

Gilgamesh: "Gillogamish: Challenge of da Soulja"?

Jake: Yes! Without your legend, who would be left to inspire this magnificent work?

Gilgamesh: ...let me take a close look.

Dave: hey do you mind if we all made snarky comments while you read it?

Gilgamesh: Eh. I don't see why not.

Dave: okay cool. you guys ready??

Karkat: I AM NOW, NOW THAT I'VE FISHED THE LAST BLOB OF CHEESE OUT OF MY LUNGES, NO THANKS TO HER...

Pinkie: I said I was sorry... ;_;

Gillogamish: Challenge of da Soulja

Dave:
soulja boy off in this oooooohh
watch me crank it watch me roll
watch me crank dat soulja boy
then Superman dat oooooohh

Gilgamesh: ...is this what passes for music in your era?

Karkat: TRUST ME, THIS IS NOWHERE NEAR THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL. I SWEAR TO GOD, IF I HEAR ANOTHER SONG BY [overrated band that doesn't suck enough to be listened to ironicly] I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL SOMEONE.

Dave: [lyics from a well known song by an overrated band that doesn't suck enough to be listened to ironicly]

Karkat: [Angry explicitives.]

Jake: [Innocent remark that sounds like a dick joke.]

Karkat: [More angry explititives.]

Pinkie Pie: [Fourth-wall breaking comment, likely pointing out how formulaic this kind of humor is].

Gilloglemesh was fights the Bull of Heevan an Gods and Satin

Karkat: THE WHAT?

Gilgamesh: Oh, yes, the Bull of Heaven. Caius warned me about that. Said that if we killed it, the gods would strike Enkidu down with illness.

Enkidu: I WILL CRUSH ALL WHO STAND BEFORE ME, BE THEY GOD OR MORTAL. 

Gilgamesh: Yes, yes, of course you will. But who's this "Satin" guy?

Jake: The author is actually referring to satan, the embodiment of evil within the judeo-christian tradition.

Gilgamesh: Are you talking about that weird desert cult? Please, it'll never catch on.

 an his brather Enikdu

Gilgamesh: I should point out that we're not actually related, though one could say that we're brothers in spirit at least. Still, such an error in recordkeeping is unforgivable...

 bu still wast powerful enuff. "I need a reel fite!" He scream

Gilgamesh: Well at least I seem to be in character.

 an Guds say "Sorrug Ilgamesh we runnled out of thigs for you to fighsts" An Gilgo was sad and made cry noise on floor of ground.

Gilgamesh: ...or not.

De repente,

Karkat: WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN? ARE THOSE EVEN WORDS?

Jake: Ah, well, you see "de repente" is actually a corruption of the french word "dérobant", or "to rap" in english. Now as we all know rap has it's roots in jazz, or more specificly jazz poetry. Though more famous for his plays, william shakespear did dapple in poetry in the form of a series of cryptic sonnets that are still discussed to this day. Many of these sonnets refer to "the fair youth" and "the dark lady", two characters that are theorized to represent shakespeare's possibly hidden homosexual tendencies and his secret lover, respectively. Thus, from this singular phrase we can infer a homoerotic subtext between Gilgamesh and Enkidu.

Dave: so what your saying is that this is a slash fic.

Jake: Erm, more or less.

Karkat: WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED?

Gilgamesh: And yet... somehow I am not insulted, but rather... intrigued.

Enkidu: I'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE.

Karkat: ...I DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT.

a hooge monster camed out of ocshun an roared at Gilgma!

Jake: And of course "ocshun" is a corruption of "oison", which is french for "gosling". 

Karkat: HOW IS IT THAT YOUR "EXPLANATIONS" SOMEHOW MAKE *LESS* SENSE THAN WHATEVER YOU'RE TRYING TO EXPLAIN?

It was haf humen haf whale and haf scuba diver.

Dave: id call that ridiculous but then again im standing in the same room as a bisexual king who is somehow two-thirds god.

Gilgamesh: Damn straight.

It was… a BIG DADY!

Karkat: ...THIS STORY SUDDENLY TOOK A VERY STRANGE TURN. 

Enkidu: WHAT'S A BIG DADDY?

Jake: Okay, I'd better explain this from the top. In the year 2007 2k boston (now known as irrational games) was going to make a video game that a was spiritual sucessor to system shock, a series of first person shooters that had a focus on exploration and customizing the player's experiance. they ended up producing a wildly popular game called "bioshock", first person shooter that takes place in an so-called objectivst paradise known as "rapture". amoung the games iconic enemies was the "big daddy", a hulking figure clad in diving armor that was in charge of protecting "little sisters", creepy but defenseless girls who-

Enkidu: WHAT'S A VIDEO GAME?

Jake: *Sighs* Video games are a form of electronic game that uses human input through a user interface to generate visual feedback on a video device. Nobody knows exactly what the first video game was, but among the contenders are-

Enkidu: WHAT'S AN ELECTRONIC?

Jake: Electronics are devices that use electric circuits to activate components such as vacuum tubes, transistors, diodes-

Enkidu: WHAT'S A VACUUM?

Jake: A vacuum is a space that is empty of matter-

Enkidu: WHAT'S MATTER?

Jake: "Matter" is defined as anything that has mass and volume. It is commonly thought that-

Dave: okay dude im gonna need to stop you right there before we get all fractal and shit.

"Finally a reel fite!"

Pinkie: Hey, what if they were fighting with fishing rods? That would be a "reel fight"  all right! ^0^

Karkat: BOOOOOOOOO.

 Grilgomesh prepared his fists for punch attak but Big Daddy armor too much hard for him to go through the it.

Pinkie: Try attacking it's weak point for massive damage! ^-^

Karkat: THAT ONLY WORKS ON CRABS.

Dave: like you would know.

Karkat: OH SHUT UP.

Big Daddo oose drill for make the hurt hole of Gilgan but Gilgesh used reflexes to grabe and stop drill back at him. "Dye now!"

Dave: giga drill breaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaak.

 Big Dasddum wad immoon to drill thog so it dined work.

Karkat: SO MUCH FOR THE DRILL THAT PIERCES THROUGH THE VAULT OF HEAVEN.

 It wam Big Daddy attack turn now so he chugged

Dave: so he was making choo choo noises?

Pinkie: All aboard the Rapture express!

at Gilglanmesh an prepareded for critical hit of so much deth.

Dave: ha. loser. you cant prepare for a critical hit cuz the whole point is that nobody expects them.

Pinkie: We didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition, either, but thankfully they won't be around for a few thousand more years. ^_^

Cardinal Ximinez: NOBODY EXPECTS THE- oh crap we are a bit on the early side arn't we. Sorry to trouble you, we'll just be going now.

Gilgamesh: ...what just-?

Karkat: DON'T ASK.

Gilogman hads expect the charg so he builted a ship rocket for make the spase fight.

Gilgamesh: I could do that if I wanted, I just don't feel like right now.

In the fight8ing space

Karkat: I THINK VRISKA PROOFREAD THIS.

Dave: that would explain a lot, actually.

 Big Daddy breathd good bu was weekend by lack of grab-ity.

Dave: grabitation (or grab-ity) is a natural phenobenob by which physical bodies attract each other with a force probortional to their masses.
"No fite in space!" Say Gods becuse space was dere fighting place an not Gilgo's.

Gilgamesh: Why is it that those guys always keep me from doing anything fun?

So back to erath where Big Daddly had the home turf advantaje.

Karkat: ISN'T HIS HOME TURF TECHNICALLY UNDERWATER?

Gitgamesh had go dijivolveing into CHAMPIOWN form taht had 3 heads an 2 mucles for all the reel ones an a laser gun wif sords an otter stuff 2.

Gilgamesh: what.

Karkat: YOU KNOW HOW I SAID THIS STORY HAD TAKEN A WEIRD TURN? WELL THIS ISN'T SO MUCH A PLOT TWIST SO MUCH AS A PLOT 1080 DEGREE MOTHERFUCKING PIROUETTE.

Enkidu: MY BRAIN HURTS!

Big Dade made angary mad an had a earthquake off pure fury.

Jake: And now, big daddy and the king of heroes square off in a battle for the ages!

SNAKES HAPPENED.

Karkat: OR NOT.

"Oh not snakes are am biting the everplase!" Gilg and Daddy all bittend and powsoned by meen snakes an made cancel of CHAMPIOWN form so Gilg cudnt use laser or sords.

Gilgamesh: WHAT.

 Big Dadd laffed an made final finish move of GLACIER RETREAT

Karkat: GIVEN THAT GLACIERS ARE FAMOUS FOR BEING VERY, VERY SLOW, THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE A VERY GOOD MOVE.

an Dilgamesh countared with FURRY OF THE SOULJA

Dave: title drop btw.

an big boom happened.

When da durst clearsed it was seed by all the poeple an godds an things that battle was super fite. Big Dadsdy and Gilgamesh had gived all dey had an true end had come for bath.

Gilgamesh: WHAT.

Dave: he died as he lived. completely covered in snakebites.

They madeded a statue of da true heroes of Gilgamesh Town an had a partee.

THE END

Karkat: *SARCASTIC APPLAUSE*

Theet moral of this storyit is that fighting not cool onyly drool. So fite ony in storees or if it is bad criman like Hammibal Lektor or Steefe Branpig.

Karkat: WELL THAT WAS STUPID AND POINTLESS.

Dave: i agree. i mean it was starting to get good with the digivolving stuff but then it just kinda tapered out.

Gilgamesh: Tell me, mongel. If I am to continue the path that Caius wants me to follow, will this be all that remains of my legacy?

Jake: Actually...

Dave: yes thats exactly what will happen.

Gilgamesh: Very well then! Come, Enkidu! Let us resume our quest so that we may take our proper place in history! 

Enkidu: I WOULD GLADLY DIE FOR YOU, MY LORD!

Gilgamesh: And so you shall! But in doing so we will become immortal, and inspire a new generation of heroes with our mighty feats!

Karkat: YEAH, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

Gilgamesh: Thank you, Jake of England. You have taught me that even a king can learn something from a peasant. 

Jake: Thank you i guess?

Gilgamesh: Oh no need to thank me. Just remember that if for some reason I am revived in the future to partake in a  fighting tournament that is part of some kind of ludicrously complicated ritual and I deem humanity to be unworthy of my rule, I will kill everyone in the world.

Jake: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Gilgamesh: Now, onto adventure!

Enkidu: EXCELCIOR!

Gilgamesh: Oooh! That's a good one! I need to write that down...

Jake: ...sould I be worried?

Dave: nah. that guy dies in every route.

Pinkie: So, where to next, boss? ^-^

Jake: If we're going to stop Caius, we need to find the Prophet Gilesbie and her civization. But in order to do that we're going to need to recruit the most famous historian of all time.

Dave: Thucydides?

Karkat: HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO THAT IS?

Dave: Shinnaigans.

Jake: Good guess, but no. I am of course referring to the great hari seldon!

Pinkie: Who?  ?_?

Jake: You know... Hari Seldon. Inventor of psychohistory. From the foundation trilogy.

Dave: never heard of him.

Jake: Then you need to read more.

Karkat: WELL AT LEAST WE'RE NOT DOING THAT POKEMON STORY AGAIN.

Pinkie: actually thats exactly what we're going to be reading next week! ^-^

Karkat: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

DETECTIVE

1 comment:

  1. "FURRY OF THE SOUlJA"

    Lost it.

    ~Hexakusioi Deka Hex

    ReplyDelete