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| Special thanks to all the cosplayers who sacrificed their dignity to post pictures of themselves on the internet for me to steal. YOU HAVE DONE YOUR COUNTRY PROUD. |
Jake English: Well chaps, here we are; trantor, the center of the galactic empire for the past 12,000 years!
Karkat Vantas: YEP. IT'S TRANTOR ALL RIGHT.
Dave Strider: it suuuure is.
Pinkie Pie: ^_^
Karkat: ...
Dave: ...
Jake: ...
Karkat: TRANTOR IS THE PLACE WITH ALL THE SAND WORMS, RIGHT?
Jake: No, that's arrkis.
Karkat: OH, RIGHT.
Jake: ...
Pinkie: These are not the droids you are looking- ^-^
Dave: thats from star wars.
Pinkie: Oh, right. -_-
Karkat: ...
Dave: ...
Jake: ...On further reflection, it appears that there aren't as many jokes i can make about the foundation trilogy as i originally thought.
Dave: lets just do a family guy cutaway gag so we can get to the story already.
===Meanwhile, in THE PRESENT...===
Lant Krek: I thought you said Pandora was the planet of blue catgirl space indians!?
Alfred Smith: No no, that's the other Pandora. This pandora is the planet of Mad Max-style bandits and randomly generated guns. Speaking of witch, have you picked a weapon, yet, sweetie?
Electra Pendragon: Silence, plebian; I need total concentration to evaluate the weapons at my disposal. And don't call me sweetie. Now let's see; this weapon has a higher DPS, but this one shoots electric rounds...
===Meanwhile, back in THE FUTURE...===
Karkat: REMIND ME AGAIN WHY WE NEED TO KNOW WHAT THOSE GUYS ARE DOING AT ALL TIMES.
Dave: ill let you know when i figure that out how a time machine can bring us to a fictional planet. now are we going to actually read something or are we just going to just stand around blabbering like idiots??
Karkat: I DON'T THINK THAT'S REALLY AN "OR" KIND QUESTION.
Karkat: I DON'T THINK THAT'S REALLY AN "OR" KIND QUESTION.
Dvea walked onto rout 1 with GROUNDOON. gud job bro dave sed after they killd a ratatata with GROUNDOON's fissur.
Dave: whyd i just use an inaccurate insta kill move to take down a pokemon that faints if a declawed kitten so much as looks at it funny??
Jake: To show how cocky you are, of course.
Dave: oh right. that 'character development' thing you keep taking about.
daves pokemon just grinned becuz he was cool like tat. suddenly kitkat.
Karkot: IM GOING TO IGNORE THE TYPO BECAUSE IT'S A WASTE OF TIME TO POINT THEM ALL OUT.
Pinkie: ♩give me a break, give me a break, break me off a peice of that kit-kat bar!♩ ^0^
Konkat: NO SINGING!
hey dave im on team bad ur going down karkit sed.
Dave: wow. what a clever and not at all forced way to inform the audience of what kitarkar motivation is.
"oh no!" dave exclamed. dis is so bad im gunna die!
Jake: And so the hero faces his first true challenge, as karkat acts as the threshold guardian standing in the way of dave's grand adventure!
karykat sent out a digimon and dave sed thats not fair. yes it is karkrt said.
Jake: This battle represents the intense rivalry the digimon and pokemon fandoms have. Of course it's clear which side the author stands on in this debate.
Dave: its nice how they dont even specify what kind of digimon it is. maybe its that one from the peter chimera fic "digimon saves the world".
Kakarot: DON'T GIVE HIM IDEAS.
i will win now.
Dave: well given that this is the first chapter out of like twenty i kinda doubt that.
then dave lucked on in aw and saw WILL TURNER behind him!
Kyon: Wait, Will Turner is in this story? The guy from Pirates of the Caribbean? Funny, up until this point I had assumed that this was just between Homestuck and Pokemon. Next thing you know we'll have Harry Potter and Vash the Stampede running around.
Linkara: Yeah! I mean I know this is a crossover, but you can't just toss in a random cameo like that and expect everyone to buy into it!
Phelous: I know, right? Any hack writer who tries that sort of thing deserves to be shot, for realsies!
Irate Gamer: And you know what the worst part is? This is the first fanfic ever that did this, which automaticly makes it the worst. {{Frowny face to show that I am serious about this}}
Wheatly: That is why I, with my vast array of story rating, erm, things, give this chapter five stars out of one. No, wait, I think I got that backwards...
Space Core: Spacecom. Playing Spacecom. Sectoids. Chrysalids. Mutons. With space guns. PEW PEW space noises. Heh. Space noise. Can't scream in space, noone hears you. Moving Spaceguy. Spaceguy died. SPAAAAACE.
X-karkat: ...WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!
he was so radant and coool with sining brown hair and he wuz so hot but dave didnt thik no becuz he was not gay.
Dave: is that ever in doubt?? dave strider is 100% a ladies man no matter how many slash fics you girls write.
will lept forwad and stabbed karykats diginmon with his sowrd.
Dave: bullshit. no matter how handsome he is there no way will turner could beat a digimon. i call hax.
Pinkie: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAX! ^0^
Kookabura: *OW!* WAS THAT COMPUTER MONITOR REALLY NESSASARY?
Dave: yes.
i will have my revng karkart yellped b4 funning away.
Arkat-Kay: ...DON'T THESE EVIL GUYS USALLY CARRY MORE POKEMON THAN THAT?
he got in a car and tired to run dav over but dave wuz to fast and kitkat crashed in2 a wall and he got hurt but did knot dye.
Dave: epic fail.
HE GOT WAY! dave screamed at wil. no will said. he may beg gone but we can still carry on hour jurney. will then joined daves perty becuz he thought dav was cool.
Dave: "daves perty"? are you sure this author doesnt have a crush on me because that would be pretty wierd.
they waled a bit and got to cerulen city. insted of misty teh gym leader was LINK!
King of Hyrule: Mai boi; this cameo is what all true-
Karmakot: NOOOO.
fight me dav and get da badge link sed. dave sent out GROUNDOON, and link sent out sctyher. syther was no match for GROUNDOON thog,
Jake: this is actually a very interesting match up. Groundoo- er, groudon being a ground type and all is technically at a disadvantage against scyther, who is a bug/flying type and is thus immune to ground attacks. But, he can counter this using some of the many fire and rock type moves, both of which are scyther's weaknesses.
Dave: also keep in mind that groudon is a 11 foot tall stomping machine and scyther is just a bug with claws. no contest there.
and link gave dave the gud badge!
Dave: funny. i dont remember that badge in the games.
DAVE HAS 1 BAGE NOW!1 HOW MANY MROE CAN HE GET?
Kookoogajoob: SEVEN MORE? BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, THERE'S EIGHT OF THEM? HEY, YOU ASKED...
MENWILE IN TEAM BAD
katrack wuz in team bad hq with jack.
Karkaclysm: JACK SPARROW OR JACK NOIR? IT COULD BE EITHER ONE AS FAR AS WE KNOW.
Dave: maybe its both of them and they just keep switching places??
what the HELL hapened? Jack askd.
Karkoon: IF IT IS JACK NOIR THAN AT LEAST HE'S IN CHARACTER. SORTA.
dave is so dtrong! karmart anwsered. we cant beet him, we must RETREAPT.
no jcak siad. you r just weak. let me handle him l8r. until den, activate DA PLAN.
Dave: dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun.
jcak laffed.
Jake: Onward to chapter 3!
root 3 wuz a very dangerful place
Dave: is that ever in doubt?? dave strider is 100% a ladies man no matter how many slash fics you girls write.
will lept forwad and stabbed karykats diginmon with his sowrd.
Dave: bullshit. no matter how handsome he is there no way will turner could beat a digimon. i call hax.
Pinkie: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAX! ^0^
Kookabura: *OW!* WAS THAT COMPUTER MONITOR REALLY NESSASARY?
Dave: yes.
i will have my revng karkart yellped b4 funning away.
Arkat-Kay: ...DON'T THESE EVIL GUYS USALLY CARRY MORE POKEMON THAN THAT?
he got in a car and tired to run dav over but dave wuz to fast and kitkat crashed in2 a wall and he got hurt but did knot dye.
Dave: epic fail.
HE GOT WAY! dave screamed at wil. no will said. he may beg gone but we can still carry on hour jurney. will then joined daves perty becuz he thought dav was cool.
Dave: "daves perty"? are you sure this author doesnt have a crush on me because that would be pretty wierd.
they waled a bit and got to cerulen city. insted of misty teh gym leader was LINK!
King of Hyrule: Mai boi; this cameo is what all true-
Karmakot: NOOOO.
fight me dav and get da badge link sed. dave sent out GROUNDOON, and link sent out sctyher. syther was no match for GROUNDOON thog,
Jake: this is actually a very interesting match up. Groundoo- er, groudon being a ground type and all is technically at a disadvantage against scyther, who is a bug/flying type and is thus immune to ground attacks. But, he can counter this using some of the many fire and rock type moves, both of which are scyther's weaknesses.
Dave: also keep in mind that groudon is a 11 foot tall stomping machine and scyther is just a bug with claws. no contest there.
and link gave dave the gud badge!
Dave: funny. i dont remember that badge in the games.
DAVE HAS 1 BAGE NOW!1 HOW MANY MROE CAN HE GET?
Kookoogajoob: SEVEN MORE? BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, THERE'S EIGHT OF THEM? HEY, YOU ASKED...
MENWILE IN TEAM BAD
katrack wuz in team bad hq with jack.
Karkaclysm: JACK SPARROW OR JACK NOIR? IT COULD BE EITHER ONE AS FAR AS WE KNOW.
Dave: maybe its both of them and they just keep switching places??
what the HELL hapened? Jack askd.
Karkoon: IF IT IS JACK NOIR THAN AT LEAST HE'S IN CHARACTER. SORTA.
dave is so dtrong! karmart anwsered. we cant beet him, we must RETREAPT.
no jcak siad. you r just weak. let me handle him l8r. until den, activate DA PLAN.
Dave: dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun.
jcak laffed.
Jake: Onward to chapter 3!
root 3 wuz a very dangerful place
Dave: my strategy guide begs to differ.
with lors of rocs and grassd.
Jake: Well i admit if there were rocs everywhere it would be pretty dangerous.
dave and will was waking along tryig ahrd to avoid the manny dangers.
Yeah im not doing this gag anymore: OH NO, A LEVEL 12 RATTATA! SAVE ME, WILL TURNER!
Pinkie: Don't worry handsome, me and my well-toned abs will save you! ^-^
Dave: ha ha very funny.
this scuks so hard wil" dave sed. yeah bro will replired. their was not evenn and wilpd pokmon...
Karkat: THEY'VE GOT A 12 FOOT TALL FIERY DEATH MON. WHAT KIND OF POKEMON WOULD BE CRAZY ENOUGH TO APPROACH THAT THING!?
ten they saw moon mountin cave! bro we gota go in teh cave will siad. so dey went in the cave and it was dart.
i cant see a thinf! dave sed. thats why you need FLASHG! thor sed as he walked towarps the two advenurers.
i cant see a thinf! dave sed. thats why you need FLASHG! thor sed as he walked towarps the two advenurers.
Deadpool: I just want to say that-
Karkat: WHAT PART OF "NO MORE CAMEOS" DO YOU GUYS NOT GET?!
i eill give you hm flah now. thor sed all sexy like.
Pinkie: It's like Nepeta said; everyone's gay for Strider! ^-^
Jake: Speaking of which, where is that catgirl anyway?
Karkat: MAYBE IF DAVE HADN'T SPENT OUR CUTAWAY GAG ALLOWANCE SO QUICKLY WE COULD HAVE FOUND OUT.
okay thanks dave replyed. he tokk it adn THOR disppearped becuz he was a god and cud do thar.
Dave: the power of the elements at his fingertips... and he uses it to teach kids how to use pokemon.
Jake: "Protection of mankind" is one of his domains, so by helping dave's pokemon technically thor is doing his job. In fact thor is also the god of oak trees, so it's implied that professor oak was the one who sent him to help dave.
Karkat: ...NORSE MYTHOLOGY IS STUPID.
Jake: "Protection of mankind" is one of his domains, so by helping dave's pokemon technically thor is doing his job. In fact thor is also the god of oak trees, so it's implied that professor oak was the one who sent him to help dave.
Karkat: ...NORSE MYTHOLOGY IS STUPID.
dave taught flash to GROUDOON becuz GROUNDOON wuz rely cool and cud lern flash.
Dave: again. not according to my strategy guide.
they used it and the cvea lit up and JACK wuz ther!
u fell into my trap losers! jcak yelled. the teleproted behig dem and pulled the leever.
u fell into my trap losers! jcak yelled. the teleproted behig dem and pulled the leever.
Karkat: I GUESS JACK IS ALSO A GOD, APPARENTLY.
a big net fell on wil dan dave and GROUNDOON. now you will never get da next badge becuz you are TRAPED IN MY NETT HAHAHAHAHAHAHASS.
Dave: oh nooooooooooooooooooo. a net made of rope. how can a fire breathing pokemon who can literally push continents around possibly escape?
jcak laffed more and disaperd. no we are tarpped in the net how wil we get out dave asked.
its easy will sed. we will call officer joy for yelp and she wil sav us becuz she is a police.
Pinkie: This resolution sponsored by AT&T. More bars in more places!
no dave sed ther is not of time.
Dave: well actually if karkat just wants to keep you from getting the next badge you have plenty of time but watever.
GROUNDOON FLASH. the net wuz desoyed.
Karkat: FUNNY HOW A NON-DAMAGING MOVE DESTROYED THAT NET.
Dave: yeah. groundoon is awesome like that.
now we must ghet to the of gym badge quickly. so dey left the cave.
MEANWILE WIT TEAM BAD
jcak was so MAD. he wuz watchig the two traners from his tv in his base and they EXCAPED.
Dave: a machine gun would have been a better investment than all those cameras.
Katkit came and sed i know how to beat dem. HO. jcak replied. its easy we have to taker away wat matters most.
Dave: nooooo not my sunglasses.
daves love.
Dave: oh yeah that too.
brilliant jack sed. lets do this.
WILL DAVE GETY HIS NEXT GM BADE? FNID OUT SOOOOON!1
MEANWILE WIT TEAM BAD
jcak was so MAD. he wuz watchig the two traners from his tv in his base and they EXCAPED.
Dave: a machine gun would have been a better investment than all those cameras.
Katkit came and sed i know how to beat dem. HO. jcak replied. its easy we have to taker away wat matters most.
Dave: nooooo not my sunglasses.
daves love.
Dave: oh yeah that too.
brilliant jack sed. lets do this.
WILL DAVE GETY HIS NEXT GM BADE? FNID OUT SOOOOON!1
Jake: ...That was quite an amusing distraction, but we need to get back on track; the reason why we're here today so we can meet Hari Seldon, one of the most brilliant mathematicians of all time. He predicted the fall of the Galactic Empire decades in advanced, and created a plan that would shorten the inevitable Galactic Dark Age to a mere 1,000 years.
Karkat: AND WHY IS HE IMPORTANT?
Jake: Because he can use Psychohistory to predict the future with startling accuracy. And if he can predict the future, that means he can predict the past, because as caius said; "when you change the future..."
Karkat: "...YOU ALSO CHANGE THE PAST." YEAH, I STILL DON'T GET THAT.
Jake: Anyway, according to my calculations (or at least the calculations that i had dirk do for me), so the perfect time for us to meet with him will occur in this spot exactly one half-hour from now, during a short window of opportunity between the point in his life where seldon is qualified to give us a useful plan, and point when caius will inevitably assassinate him.
Dave: how long do we have?
Jake: About... three seconds.
Hari Seldon: AIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE! *DEAD*
Jake: Well, motherfucker.
Karkat: GREAT. SO NOW WHAT?
Ditzy "Derpy Hooves" Doo: Special delivery for Jake English!
Jake: Oh, thanks.
Karkat: HOW ARE YOU ABLE TO SEE STRAIGHT WITH YOUR EYES STUCK LIKE THAT?
Ditzy Doo: Stuck like what?
Karkat: ...NEVER MIND.
Jake: ...blimey! It's a letter from hari seldon!
Dave: well?? whats it say??
Jake: Lets see... "dear jake english. If you are reading this it is probably because i have been killed by caius ballad, who is attempting to thwart my plan to bring an early end to the galactic dark age. Thankfully, the future is more complicated than he believes, and i have made enough preparations to ensure that my own death would only have a negligible impact on the plan as a whole. However it is only a matter of time (so to speak) before he undoes all my work, so let me get straight to the point. Having foreseen caius' mad endeavor, the prophet gilesbie has gone to great pains to hide her civilizations' records. Being immortal, caius can search the entire timeline manually. You, however cannot, so if you wish to find her you must assemble the clues that her disciples have left. I believe the first clue is hidden in The Vatican of your own time period, and that the key to unlocking this clue can be found within the text known as light and dark: the adventures of dark yagami. Beyond that, however, i cannot say as bad fanfiction it is not my field of expertise. Good luck, and godspeed. -Hari seldon"
Dave: well that was convenient.
Karkat: THIS NEXT EPISODES GOING TO BE A PARODY OF "THE DA VINCI CODE", ISN'T IT?
Pinkie: Mayyyyybeeeee? ^-^
Karkat: ...BRING IT ON.
Jake: Anyway, according to my calculations (or at least the calculations that i had dirk do for me), so the perfect time for us to meet with him will occur in this spot exactly one half-hour from now, during a short window of opportunity between the point in his life where seldon is qualified to give us a useful plan, and point when caius will inevitably assassinate him.
Dave: how long do we have?
Jake: About... three seconds.
Hari Seldon: AIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE! *DEAD*
Jake: Well, motherfucker.
Karkat: GREAT. SO NOW WHAT?
Ditzy "Derpy Hooves" Doo: Special delivery for Jake English!
Jake: Oh, thanks.
Karkat: HOW ARE YOU ABLE TO SEE STRAIGHT WITH YOUR EYES STUCK LIKE THAT?
Ditzy Doo: Stuck like what?
Karkat: ...NEVER MIND.
Jake: ...blimey! It's a letter from hari seldon!
Dave: well?? whats it say??
Jake: Lets see... "dear jake english. If you are reading this it is probably because i have been killed by caius ballad, who is attempting to thwart my plan to bring an early end to the galactic dark age. Thankfully, the future is more complicated than he believes, and i have made enough preparations to ensure that my own death would only have a negligible impact on the plan as a whole. However it is only a matter of time (so to speak) before he undoes all my work, so let me get straight to the point. Having foreseen caius' mad endeavor, the prophet gilesbie has gone to great pains to hide her civilizations' records. Being immortal, caius can search the entire timeline manually. You, however cannot, so if you wish to find her you must assemble the clues that her disciples have left. I believe the first clue is hidden in The Vatican of your own time period, and that the key to unlocking this clue can be found within the text known as light and dark: the adventures of dark yagami. Beyond that, however, i cannot say as bad fanfiction it is not my field of expertise. Good luck, and godspeed. -Hari seldon"
Dave: well that was convenient.
Karkat: THIS NEXT EPISODES GOING TO BE A PARODY OF "THE DA VINCI CODE", ISN'T IT?
Pinkie: Mayyyyybeeeee? ^-^
Karkat: ...BRING IT ON.
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