Sunday, January 27, 2013

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 24

Edrobot: Last time, on JEMToSRFtY3k; Lant Kreck and Alfred Smith were stuck in a forest somewhere but now they arn't. That's about it, really.

Lant Kreck: So... where are we now? 

Alfred Smith: It appears to be some sort of village. Perhaps inhabited by an indigenous tribe of hunter-gatherers...

Lant: An indigenous tribe of hunter-gatherers with a pepsi machine *points to pepsi machine*?

Alfred: Stranger things have happened...

???: Halt! Who goes there?

Alfred: Uh, Lant? I think a little girl is pointing an enormous spear at us.

Lant: Looks like it.

???: Your names! Answer me!

Alfred: Uh... I am Alfred Herbert Smith, and this is my manservant- I mean sidekick- I mean partner, Lant Kreck. We are but humble travelers searching for a lost friend of ours. STOP

Lant: Yeah, um... you wouldn't happen to have seen her, would you? Blond hair? Red eyes? Gold armor? Reeeeallly annoying?

???: Oh, you mean the girl who marched into our village and threatened to have us all flayed alive by her father if we didn't give in to her every last demand?

Alfred:  Errr... 

Lant: Yeah, did we say friend? I meant mortal enemy.

???: Oh, well why didn't you say so? *lowers spear* The name's Hope, welcome to The Unwritten Village!

Lant: The what?

Hope: The Unwritten Village! It's the place where all characters whose authors never wrote anything about them end up.

Lant: Really? But... if it's every unwritten character, than surely the place would be larger than just a few straw huts in the middle of the woods.

Hope: This is just the set of our annual Luau. 

Lant: That would explain things.

Hope: The real village is actually a few miles north of here, and it's less a village and more of a sprawling, non euclidean metropolis built on top of an an infinitely tall spire.

Lant: On top of an infinite- ow, my brain hurts just thinking about that.

Alfred: But as you were saying; you have our... "Acquaintance"? 

Lant: Would you mind releasing her into our custody, she's a bit more harmless when she's being watched. STOP

Hope: Sure. I had no idea what we were going to do with her in the first place. Drexon, bring out the girl!

Drexon: Aye-aye, boss.

Electra Pendragon: Mongrels! Plebians! Whores! How dare you treat a princess this way! Wait untill my father hears about this! If he doesn't just dice you up with the Gate of Bablyon, after he's done with you he'll throw you all in the salt mines to rot!

Drexon: I've heard it all before, lady. You're just wasting your breath.

Alfred: Gosh, she needed to be bound up in chains? 

Hope: Actually handcuffs worked just fine. She was just that annoying.

Lant: Now Electra, I'm going to undo the lock on these chains. Will you promise to behave?

Electra: No.

Lant: Well can you at least promise not to kill anyone?

Electra: Maybe.

Lant: *sigh* Close enough.

Electra: Finally... these barbarians have no manners whatsoever. Now what did they do with my gun...

Alfred: Thank god you're safe. I thought I'd never see you again... *hugs electra*


Alfred: Er, sorry. I forgot. Hope, I'm sorry about the trouble our friend caused you, but I thank you for keeping her safe. She doesn't really get out much, you see...

Hope: I noticed.

Alfred: If there's anything, and I mean anything we can do to repay you...

Hope: Well... there is one thing. You see I'm missing a friend as well. Jade Edwards. A very tall girl, loves to fight people and frequently dresses up as Pokemon.

Lant: So she's a poke-furry?

Hope: ...yeah, but don't say that to her face. We were both created around the same time, around when our author was in high school. I was going to be a "Eighth Homunculus" for a Fullmetal Alchemist story, and she was set to appear in pokemon fic. But though we were from completely different settings, she was like a sister to me... at first.

Lant: What happened?

Hope: Well... the thing is she was a pretty terrible character at first. A half-human half-Gardeviour hybrid Mary Sue who just wanted to be loved by her father. But at some point, the would-be author got a bit of sense knocked into him, so he tuned her down to being just a human with a weird cosplay obsession. But something else changed... she became bitter and, resentful of anyone or anything with supernatural powers, including myself. I don't know if it was because she remembered the powers she used to have or because the author thought she'd be more interesting if she was a total bitch to everyone, but she wasn't the same person I knew before.

Alfred: I take it that your stories were never written.

Hope: The most were got were a couple rough drafts that were quickly scrapped, and then the author gave up on us. But for Jade, this was the last straw. Last I heard she, had thrown in her lot with someone called "The Prophet Gilesbie"...

Alfred: What a fortuitous coincidence! It just so happened that we are on a quest to stop her from destroying the metaverse! Tell me, what do you know about the Prophet?

Hope: Not much, actually. Only that she commands a legion of 13 warriors collectively known as "Orgy XIII", and that one of them is standing behind you right now.

Troll Phelous D1: Mwa ha ha! Fools! Prepare to face the wrath of Phelous in Hat and Trenchcoat with Grey Makeup, Yellow Contact Lenses- 

Electra: *BANG*

Troll Phelous D1: ...hey, no fair! You can't just shoot me with a revolver in the middle of my mono-

Electra: *BANG*

Troll Phelous D1: Aren't you at least going to exchange some witty dialogue with-

Electra: *BANG* *BANG*  *BANG* *BANG* 

Troll Phelous D1: Aww crap, I'm regenerating again. *ahem* ...I don't wanna-

Electra: *Ka-Click* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG*

Troll Phelous D1: Well, fuck my hoofbeast. *DEAD*

Electra: I'm sorry, were you saying something?

Hope: Uh... yeah. I was just going to say that if your going after the prophet, you need to break the Ego Lock by deconstructing the work used to create it. Something called "The Return of Dark Keyoto", and it's billed as a Kingdom Hearts/Fullmetal Alchemist Crossover.

Alfred: Oh, Kingdom Hearts? I love those game! They're a series of Action RPGs developed by Square Enix and Disney Interactive. The games (well, at first), follow a boy named Sora, a typical JRPG protagonist who gains a magic weapon called the "Keyblade" so he can save the universe from a crazy guy with a god complex, rescue his girlfriend, defeat his rival, yadda yadda yadda. But the twist is that all of the levels (and many of the characters) come from Disney movies.

Lant: That... sounds like a terrible idea.

Alfred: Yeah, that's what I thought too. But it's actually much better than it sounds! The enviorments are varied and the combat is always a blast, and while the stories of the individual levels are copied directly from their source material, the overall plot is completely original, and actually quite complicated! It's got something for everyone, really; disney characters for kids, casual gamers and nostalgia buffs, an intricate story and beautiful cutscenes for JRPG fans, and entertaining combat for hardcore gamers! STOP

Lant: And what's Fullmetal Alchemist?

Alfred: Fullmetal Alchemist is a world-famous Manga by Hiromu Arakawa, following the story of Edward and Alphonse Elric, a pair of Alchemists who paid a terrible price when trying to ressurect their mother; Ed lost his arm and leg, while Al lost his entire body, and had to have his soul bound to a giant suit of armor. The pair are searching for a legendary artifact known as the Philosopher's Stone, which they think will be able to return their bodies to normal. But standing in their way are the Homunculi, seven artifical humans with fantastic powers who are also seeking the stone, as well as a corrupt government behind an anchent conspiracy that will rock the world to it's core! But, uh, enough gushing. The show has been adapted into an anime twice; the first series (just known as Fullmetal Alchemist) splits off from the manga about halfway through to tell a completely different story, while the the second series (Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood) is much more faithful, and follows the plot of the manga from beginning to end. Both series are excellent, though most people agree that "Brotherhood" is the better of the two. Today though, we'll be focusing on the first series, as this seems to be the one that the author drew inspiration from. STOP

Electra: And who the hell is Dark Keyoto?

Alfred: I... have no idea. At first I assumed it was a sequel to something, but a quick google search didn't turn up anything. In fact the only things that tured up when I searched "Dark Kyeoto" were the fic itself, a few pastebin mirrors presumably made by people who wanted to archive the fic for themselves, and this very blog believe it or not! STOP

Previously: Kyeoto killed off his creators and their companions,

Lant: For some unexplained reason. 

all except Wrath which he try to kill but he escaped

When danger reared it's ugly head, 
He bravely turned his tail and fled.

and ran to Kannou and Aikyou. 

Electra: Because of course Wrath just happens to know these people despite his stunted his social growth and the fact that the manipulative bastard controlling Wrath wants to keep him secluded.

Lant: Wait, you've seen this show too?

Alfred: Yes! She has the same hobby I do! This totally means we're destined to be a couple now! STOP

Electra: W-what? No, I don't watch anime! I just... header that... somewhere. ON THE INTERNET.

Alfred: Oh. Well blast it all... STOP

He begged them for help, so they recruited , Aoshi, Sharon (well, she follows him anyway), Dizzy (Kannou and Aikyou's mother and Kyeoto's wife), 

Lant: One of these names is not like the others. Hint; it's the one that wasn't pulled from a japanese phone book.

Alfred: And i'm not sure whether to picture Dizzy as the egg from those old adventure games, or the gel from Guilty Gear. 

and Naminé. 

They search for him but, their search was short lived. For Kyeoto had came to them, On a island that is 125 miles across.

Electra: Good thing they didn't try that on an island 124 miles across, that would have been a complete disaster.

"You tried to killed me!" said Wrath, furious at him.

Alfred: And you know what they say...

Electra: Bring up that meme again and I will kill you.

Kyeoto laughs and said "You are nothing but a mistake that should have not been born to begin with."

"I'm not the mistake here." comments Wrath

Alfred: If Jake were here, he'd probably ask me to go on and on about Wrath, his backstory and his motivations, and how this all ties into his character arc or something. STOP

"Of course you are, you're a Homunculus, a created human. Such a thing should never been created". Kyeoto said with a lot of arrogance.

Lant: Our hero, everybody: an arrogant, racist jerkass who makes people feel horrible about themselves. At least, I think he's supposed to be our hero. The story doesn't make it clear at first.

Wrath says "hmm.."

"Father, what do you him do with him?" Said Kannou.

Kyeoto chuckles and replies "The same thing I plan do with all of you… Kill you."

Lant: A man after Lord English's heart, I see.


Electra: Do you mind?! We're in the middle of something here.

Lord English: ...FINE, I'LL COME BACK LATER.

Alfred: Methinks the Lord English isn't on his a-game today. STOP

"For what reason would you that?" Kannou asks

"I will not explain now, maybe when I will finish you guys of." interrupts Kyeoto

Alfred: As much as I like seeing a villain actually following rule number seven of the evil overlord list, I half-suspect the author never came up with a motivation for this guy.


Electra: Really? What is it?


Lant: Just ignore him.

Kannou says "Father…"

Kyeoto has challenged them but, for a Unknown reason. Could Kyeoto have become a blood-thirsty killer of some sort or has he have a good reason for this battle?

Alfred: While those options are not mutually exclusive, I seriously doubt the latter is true.

"I grow tired of waiting, lets begin." Kyeoto saids, ready for battle

Kannou raises hand and asks "Why, do we have to fight?"

Lant: That's a very good question. One, in fact, that I would like answered.

Alfred: But seriously, he actually raised his hand to ask that? What is this, grammar school? STOP

Lant: If so;

Then Kyeoto charged at Kannou and punched him in his face, Kannou then fell to the ground. Aikyou charged at Kyeoto but then hesitated, not wanting to harm her father.

Everyone: *Facepalm*

"Don't hesitated,

Alfred: And to think that the spelling was relatively decent up to this point...

because I won't hold back!" yells Kyeoto

Then Kyeoto formed a Ki beam and shoot it at her, sending her in the air. She recovered and Kyeoto flow in the air to combat her.

Alfred: Did we just wander into a Dragonball Z fic? STOP

Naminé then unhooked her cloak, to reveal angel wings,

Alfred: ...Which she never had in canon and we're given no explanation about.

then she went in to a stance.


Alfred: Aha! She's doing the Kamehameha! This is now offically a DBZ crossover!

Lant: And you're the only one who cares.

Electra: Uh, right. Th-that he is.

 Says Namine in her adult angel form

Lant: I guess she's a Tenshi-Chi in this continuity.

hen Kyeoto knocked Aikyou down,

Alfred: He's a chicken! I giant chicken I tell you! STOP

Lant: What? Son Boo-ku? I think your hat's on a bit too tight there, al.

Son Boo-ku: Bawk bawk, bagawk!

Electra: (Note to self; after taking over the world, the first think I'll do destroy all Animeniacs DVDs)

then stared at Naminé.

"not much good that'll do". Kyeoto saids

"Ha…me…" Namine continues



Then a large ki blast hit Kyeoto, Kyeoto then was thrown to a cliff by the blast, then the rubble fell on him.

Alfred: Rocks fall. And oh if only everybody died.

Aikyou looks to Kyeoto under rubble and shouts "Fa…Father!"

"He's not dead". Comments Namine

"Huh?" replies Kyeoto

Naminé shakes her hand and saids "He wouldn't die so easily".

Then the rubble busted, revealing Kyeoto but with his skin gone and on fire.

Lant: ...that's a pretty disturbing image, actually.

Then flesh started to grow on the flaming skeleton. After that patches of bubbling skin formed and them spread all over him, then hair and clothes.

Alfred: I guess clothes regenerate too. Go figure.

"Such a weak attack cannot kill me." gloats Kyeoto

Then Sharon wanted to jump in and fight but, Aoshi stopped her.

"I don't want you to get hurt, stay here". Said Aoshi

Lant: I'm sorry, which one is Aoshi again?

Electra: He's the generic guy with zero personality.

Lant: ...That didn't help.

Then Aoshi Ran to Kyeoto with his Electron and Proton blades and swung but, he grabbed both blades with his bare hands.

Alfred: And got his hands sliced clean off. Also, correct me if I'm wrong but a blade made out of protons would be impossibly heavy. Like, "supermassive black hole" level heavy. Conversely an electron blade would be so light it wouldn't be good at much of anything, though it would give you a wicked shock. STOP.

"Pathetic. I really believed that you would have gotten stronger, not weaker." saids Kyeoto

Aoshi saids "What?"

"Or perhaps I've gotten stronger." smirks Kyeoto

Lant: Okay, forget what I said about him being a hero; he's clearly a villain. Though this story's lack of context doesn't make things easy to discern.

Then Kannou recovers and so dose Aikyou. Then Kyeoto knocked down Aoshi four feet from where they originally was.

"I fell like I got hit by something I had not been hit by before and got hurt by it". Shouted Kannou

Alfred: Cool story bro.


"Where's Naminé?" questions Aikyou

Electra: My guess? She fell into a plot hole.

"Die!" Wrath shouts

Then hundreds of bullets hit Kyeoto, the bullets pierced in to his flesh. After he was almost have gone, the flesh grow back and then the bullets could not pierce him anymore. After that Kyeoto then turned around and seen Wrath but, with 15-20 shotguns in and out of his hand.

Lant: How does that even work? I mean, how does he pull the trigger?

"Watch it! Some of your freaking bullets almost hit me in my skull 30 times!" Aoshi shouts, with some bullets grazing him that almost hit his vital.

Alfred: That's our Wrath, needlessly endangering people for no good reason!

"Well, well, well. You finally came to the battlefield and I see you've prepared for this battle. Ha, a Homunculus is a created human made by a failed human transmutation, such a demonic thing. You have to kill them more then once for them to be completely dead. Also you're the only Homunculus that can use alchemy and the fact that your inhuman body dose suffer diseases or tumors, you can place objects in and out of you body without death or pain. If you were actually strong then I would consider you a formidable opponent. But I know deep in my heart that you will never be stronger then me". Kyeoto saids laughing like a maniac.

Lant: Woah! That wall of exposition came out of nowhere!

"huh, never get stronger?" Wrath questions

"You never shall surpass me in strength, agility and mental ability". Says Kyeoto laughing as he pulls bullets from his skin

Alfred: Whoops, looks like you just broke rule 24 of the Evil Overlord List.

" Wow, who know father can gloat that much?" snickered Aikyou

"Tell me about it" comments Aoshi


"I am done toying with you weaklings". Kyeoto saids with his power beginning to grow

Alfred: Is power level is OVER NINE- oh who cares. STOP

The sun began to set, night was coming and tonight would be a full moon.

"I still don't see Naminé, but I can still sense her presence". Aikiyou saids

Kyeoto then turned around and clutched his hand at nothing, then Naminé appeared and both Kyeoto and Naminé came to a struggle, both trying to push each other away.

"Using stealth won't catch me off guard and I noticed that you didn't fight me directly." Says Kyeoto charging a beam in his arm

Alfred: And then it just ends abruptly. What did you think?

Lant: My god that was terrible. I had no idea who any of those guys were, who was on who's side, or why they were fighting.

Electra: And it was very bland. When he wasn't using beige prose the author was too busy making up cleched' dailogue.

Alfred: Well, it's about time we got going. Hope, do you want to come?

Hope: Thanks for the offer, but my place is here. Besides, do you guys really need another auxiliary supporting character?

Lant: Eh, good point.

Alfred: But will we ever see you again?

Hope: You live in your own story's canon now, so it's doubtful... but crossovers do happen! Who knows what the future holds?


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