Dave: oaky i recognize the soulcalibur part. its a fighting game series about weaponmasters from all over the world fighting over a pair of magical swords; soulcalibur and soul edge. soul edge is an obviously evil weapon that wants to destroy everything and soulcalibur is supposedly its good counterpart except it turns out in soul caliber 4 and 5 that its also evil or something. i dont really pay much attention to the story but its supposedly more complicated than your typical fighting game (though the story modes of 4 and 5 suck) and the fighting mechanics are universally solid. but whats the rest of the title mean?
Jake: I can answer that. In addition to soulcalibur, this story is based on two other works; the world ends with you and love hina. The former is an unusal jrpg for the nintendo ds developed by square enix, based around a unique battle system where you play as two characters at once, one with the d-pad and one with the stylus. It centers around a loner named neku, who wakes up in tokyo's "shibuya" district one day and is forced to team up with a girl named shiki to fight for his life in a competition called "the reaper's game". in addition to its unique setting and battle mechanics, the game is well known for its deep, complicated story and memorable characters, including a goofball skateboarder, and musclebound giant that makes food puns with a completely straight face, a down on his luck salesman who's lingo is stuck in the 90's, and a biker that randomly shouts mathematical formulae.
Dave: okay now youre just making stuff up.
Jake: im serious! this is a real game and these are real characters! Anyway, the games pretty old now but you can probably find in a used games store. Though if you don't want to go through the trouble or if you think the whole "control two characters at once" thing is too intimidating, they recently made an ios port with music and updated graphics, but it nixes the two-screen battle system. Its still a great game though. As for love hina, i know its a anime of some sort, but im afraid thats all i know...
Karakt: WHICH OF COURSE IS WHERE I COME IN. BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I DO NOT HATE ALL HUMAN MEDIA. I HATE MOST OF IT, YES, BUT I HATE MOST THINGS SO THATS NOT REALLY SAYING MUCH. LOVE HINA IS A ROMANTIC COMEDY ABOUT AN UNLUCKY SAP NAMED URASHIMA KEITARO WHO HAS WASTED THE LAST THREE YEARS OF HIS LIFE TRYING TO GET INTO TOKYO UNIVERSITY BECAUSE OF A PROMISE HE MADE TO A GIRL WHO'S NAME HE CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER. THEN HIS GRANDMOTHER PUTS HIM IN CHARGE OF AN ALL GIRL'S DORMITORY FOR SOME REASON, WHERE HE MEETS A LOVABLE CAST OF QUIRKY ROMANTIC LEADS. WHILE THIS MAY SOUND CLICHE (BECAUSE IT IS), THE SERIES AS WHOLE IS VERY WELL EXECUTED; BETWEEN ALL THE SLAPSTICK COMEDY AND BLATANT FANSERVICE, THERE'S PLENTY OF CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT AND EVEN AFTER JUST ONE SEASON YOU REALLY GET TO KNOW THESE CHARACTERS. I'VE HEARD THE MANGA IT WAS BASED ON IS EVEN BETTER; WRITTEN BY KEN AKAMATSU IT CONTINUES THE STORY TO IT'S CONCLUSION, AND EVENTUALLY DOES GET AROUND TO RESOLVING PLOT THREADS THE ANIME LEFT HANGING. IF YOU LIKE LOVE HINA, YOU MIGHT ALSO WANT TO CHECK OUT HIS MORE RECENT WORK, MAHOU SENSEI NEGIMA, AND HIS OLDER WORK, A.I LOVE YOU. NEGIMA IN PARTICULAR IS SOMETHING OF A SPIRITUAL SUCCESSOR TO LOVE HINA, IN THAT IT CONTAINS A LOT OF CHARACTER DESIGNS CLEARLY COPIED FROM LOVE HINA, THOUGH IT'S GOT MORE OF A FOCUS ON SHONEN-STYLE FIGHTING THAN ROMANTIC COMEDY AND FANSERVICE (THOUGH IT'S STILL HAS THAT TOO). I ADMIT I'M NOT A HUGE FAN OF NEGIMA, MOSTLY BECAUSE IT CONSTANTLY USES MIDDLE SCHOOL GIRLS FOR FANSERVICE SHOTS (WHAT IS WITH JAPAN'S OBSESSION WITH SCHOOLGIRLS?) BUT I'VE HEARD GOOD THINGS ABOUT THE SERIES AS A WHOLE SO IT'S PROBABLY WORTH CHECKING OUT.
Dave: wow. the fact that you know all that is just sad.
Karkat: YEAH YEAH, LET'S JUST GET TO THE STORY.
Hinata Ends With the Soul Caliber
Karkat: SEE HOW BAD THIS STORY IS? EVEN THE FREAKIN' TITLE IS SPELLED WRONG! IT'S *SOULCALIBUR*! ONE WORD, NOT TWO! AND IT'S SPELLED WITH A *U*, NOT AN *E*.
Dave: hes got a point. cant really defend a mistake that can be checked by looking at the box the game came in.
Jake: Well we all make mistakes karkapt. I'm sure the author will wise up eventually.
Karkat: NO HE DOESN'T. HE MAKES THIS MISTAKE *EVERY* *SINGLE* *TIME*.
Jake: Well i supposed some people make more mistakes than others.
Or
The Incredibly Silly and Awesome Adventures of Urashima Keitaro, Wielder of the Soul Caliber, the Six Girls of the Hinata Apartments, and Sho Minamimoto (With Some Less Important Appearances by Kentaro) in Their Attempt to Save the World From Being Taken Over By Bad Guys Featuring Plentiful Crossovers by Whatever I Damn Well Feel Like, More Commonly Abbreviated as
TISAAUWSCSGHASMWSLIATASWFBTOBBGFPCWIDWFLMCAT
Dave: and i thought our title was long and unwieldy.
Or
That One Weird Love Hina Fic With A Really Long Name
Jake: Ah, see? The author gave us an abbreviation to use. Problem solved!
Karkat: TRUST ME, OUR PROBLEMS ARE JUST GETTING STARTED.
A Love Hina Fan Crack Fic
A Love Hina Fan Crack Fic
Dave: well at least the author admits he was high when he wrote this.
Synopsis: Keitaro finds the Soul Caliber, and inevitably starts a chain of events that will lead to Ragnarok unless he and the Hinata girls can stop it. Isn't it just convenient that they suddenly gained superpowers? A LoveHina X WorldEndsWithYou X SoulCalibur X WhateverElseIComeUpWith Crack Fic. *TWEWY SPOILERS*
Synopsis: Keitaro finds the Soul Caliber, and inevitably starts a chain of events that will lead to Ragnarok unless he and the Hinata girls can stop it. Isn't it just convenient that they suddenly gained superpowers? A LoveHina X WorldEndsWithYou X SoulCalibur X WhateverElseIComeUpWith Crack Fic. *TWEWY SPOILERS*
Jake: Oh joy! It looks like we'll be getting a dose of Norse mythology! I hope that Odin's fight with Fenrir is just as epic as i imagine it to be!
Dave: i hate to burst your bubble but i dont thing thats going to happen. far too many people use ragnarok as just another name for a generic end of the world thing.
Jake: Don't jump to conclusions, dave! You never know, this story educational value might surprise you!
Karkat: SHUT UP AND READ THE PRETENTIOUS INTRO ALREADY.
On November 10th, 2008, a budding Fanfiction writer set out to create the most epic fan fiction of all time.
He meant to make a statement, a statement that would rock the FanFiction community for centuries to come.
Then he played "LittleBigPlanet" for several hours, and completely forgot what he was going to write about.
Karkat: WE NOTICED.
From that moment on, he decided to write about the most bizarre thing he could imagine.
But it was too weird to publish, so he wrote this instead:
Chapter 1: Ominous Foreshadowings
Dave: subtle.
I do not own Love Hina, or anything else for that matter.
I do not own Love Hina, or anything else for that matter.
Karkat: AND WE ARE ALL GRATEFUL FOR IT.
I am recording this journal in order to leave behind a record in case something goes horribly wrong. As you know, being Conductor for the Hinata region, I am responsible for any supernatural occurrences in the area.
I am recording this journal in order to leave behind a record in case something goes horribly wrong. As you know, being Conductor for the Hinata region, I am responsible for any supernatural occurrences in the area.
Dave: quick expo dump. the term conductor refers to the guy in charge of the reapers. he reports directly to the composer who is like god or something. and i assume theres a conductor and composer for every place the reapers game is held but we never go outside shibuya so we dont know that for sure.
Karkat: WAS THAT NECESSARY?
Dave: no. but you guys get to lecture way more often than i do so its cool.
To this end, I have been preventing Urashima Keitaro from realizing his potential.
Let me explain: As you may know, the last of Nostradamus's "Secret Prophecies", the Secret Prophecy of Algol, states: "when the "Children of Ragnarock" have their powers realized, Ragnarock (the end of the world) will be begin."
To this end, I have been preventing Urashima Keitaro from realizing his potential.
Let me explain: As you may know, the last of Nostradamus's "Secret Prophecies", the Secret Prophecy of Algol, states: "when the "Children of Ragnarock" have their powers realized, Ragnarock (the end of the world) will be begin."
Jake: Nostradamus! I know who that is! He was a french a Apothecary (that is, medieval pharmacist) who claimed to be able to see the future. His supposed vision of the future were collected in his book, les propheties, in the form of a series of quatrains. Unfortunately these poems were vague enough to be utterly useless, even assuming they were real prophecies at all (which they probably wern't). Nevertheless, the book spikes in popularity whenever a major historical event happens, as people rush to pigeonhole these events into the prophecies. The mention of "secret prophecies" here implies that nostradamus was a genuine seer, but that the prophecies we know of are either false or deliberately obscurificated.
Dave: that still has nothing to do with norse mythology.
Jake: Actually it does; the epic poem völuspá briefly refers to "the sons of mím" being "at play", perhaps this prophecy is a reference to this cryptic passage.
Dave: you read that on wikipedia didnt you??
Jake: ...Maybe?
The prophecy goes into great details about the identity of the wielder of the Soul Caliber. He will be born in a "Distant Land" (Seeing as Nostradamus would consider Japan to be quite "Distant", I can hardly argue), be nearly immortal, and is described later on in the prophecy as looking exactly like our own manager.
Karkat: STOP TALKING TO ME!
And the identity of the Titan is painfully obvious to anyone who has done the research.
Dave: its batman. obviously.
Still, my ex-partner, an expert on mystic artifacts, assures me that the suppression field will remain in place as long as the sword is not removed from its pedestal.
I, however, doubt that this will last.
It was a fairly normal day for Urashima Keitaro, manager of the Hinata Apartments. Naru had punched him through the ceiling for being a pervert, Mokoto smashed Keitaro through a wall with her sword after Kietaro complimented her figure, and Su had just finished using the manager as a test subject for her new "Mecha Tama Ultra Plus EX Attack Drone Squad MK. 3".
Just a normal day for Keitaro.
Keitaro sighed. "Well, my life might not be pleasant, but at least it's interesting…"
Dave: so are civil wars but you dont want to live in those either.
The basement of the Hinata Apartments was crammed wall-to-wall with all sorts of junk. Granted, most of it was part of the nest of that giant metal-eating turtle robot Su had built a few months ago.
"Boy, this is hard work." Keitaro sat down and leaned back on a nearby chair, "I think I'll just take a little-"
*CLICK*, Keitaro's chair accidently tripped a hidden switch on the wall, and a trap door instantly opened underneath him.
Keitaro screamed as he and the chair sided down the slanted passageway the trapdoor had opened up to. Then, he reached the bottom, and the chair fell over, flinging the unfortunate roinin halfway across the room.
"Ouch…" Kietaro said, landing face first on the hard cement floor.
He then got up and looked at his new surroundings. "Funny.", he said, "I don't remember THIS room…"
The room was mostly empty, featuring thick cement walls on every side. But at the end of the room, directly across from him, he saw a bright, glowing object.
These "children" are referred to in the prophecy as:
A Natural Time-Warper
The Sorceress of Momol
A Half-Angel
A Titan
A Goddess
The Luckiest Woman in the World
And, of course, the reincarnation of Siegfried, wielder of the Soul Caliber
Pinkie Pie: Collect all six! Only $9.95 plus shipping and handling! ^0^
A Natural Time-Warper
The Sorceress of Momol
A Half-Angel
A Titan
A Goddess
The Luckiest Woman in the World
And, of course, the reincarnation of Siegfried, wielder of the Soul Caliber
Pinkie Pie: Collect all six! Only $9.95 plus shipping and handling! ^0^
Karkat: OH GOD SHE'S BACK. HIDE ME!
Dave: dude. this is getting old. maybe you really are becoming tavros.
Karkat: LIKE HELL I AM!
Jake: *sees Karkat stare intently at the pink equine*
Karkat: I- *I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU!*
Pinkie: That's nice! Wanna cupcake? ^-^
Karkat: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Dave: man i never get tired of seeing him scream like that.
The prophecy goes into great details about the identity of the wielder of the Soul Caliber. He will be born in a "Distant Land" (Seeing as Nostradamus would consider Japan to be quite "Distant", I can hardly argue), be nearly immortal, and is described later on in the prophecy as looking exactly like our own manager.
Karkat: HOW CONVENIENT.
And above that, Keitaro has already attracted a pair of possible "Ragnarock Children" (Specifically, Shinobu and Mutsumi), and preexisting company has also started to show supernatural tendencies.
Coincidence?
Coincidence?
Jake: Well if it was we probably wouldn't have a story.
I have done my best to suppress their development by drawing on the power of the Soul Caliber. But this does not seem to be enough.
The whole "Red Moon" incident also revealed Kaolla Su to be the Sorceress of Momol, and already the government of Momol is preparing for the worst that Ragnarock could offer.
I have done my best to suppress their development by drawing on the power of the Soul Caliber. But this does not seem to be enough.
The whole "Red Moon" incident also revealed Kaolla Su to be the Sorceress of Momol, and already the government of Momol is preparing for the worst that Ragnarock could offer.
Karkat: SEE EPISODE 10 OF THE ANIME. I'M NOT GOING TO WASTE MY BREATH SPOILING A PERFECTLY GOOD EPISODE TO EXPLAIN SOME CONTINUITY NOD.
As for Keitaro, he has suffered numerous fatal blows without a scratch on him, signifying a development of Beta-Class Immortality.
As for Keitaro, he has suffered numerous fatal blows without a scratch on him, signifying a development of Beta-Class Immortality.
Dave: daffy duck has it way worse. is he immortal too?
Karkat: AND FURTHERMORE, IF THE VIOLENCE KEITARO SUFFERS IS REAL AND LIFE THREATENING WITHIN THE CONTEXT OF THE STORY INSTEAD OF BEING MERELY EXAGGERATED FOR COMEDIC EFFECT, MOST OF THOSE GIRLS SHOULD BE IN JAIL BY NOW! TRYING TO PLAY THIS STUPID FAN THEORY OF KEITARO BEING IMMORTAL SERIOUSLY MAKES NO SENSE!
Jake: Well Keitaro is known to be a spineless wimp, and i think we can assume whoever wrote this letter was covering things up...
Karkat: BULLSHIT. SHINOBU, THE MOST PURE AND INNOCENT MEMBER OF THE HOUSEHOLD, WOULD AT THE VERY LEAST WOULD REPORT THIS TO THE PROPER AUTHORITIES ASSUMING SHE DIDN'T JUST LEAVE AT THE FIRST SIGN OF TROUBLE. AND THERE'S NO MENTION OF ANY SORT OF COVERUP OF THE ABUSE ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE STORY, SO YOU CAN'T SAY SHE WAS INTIMIDATED INTO DOING OTHERWISE.
Dave: wow. you really are a loser.
Karkat: BECAUSE I EXPECT MY FAVORITE CHARACTERS TO ACTUALLY BE IN-CHARACTER? THEN SEND ME STRAIGHT TO LOSER CAMP WHY DON'T YOU.
Pinkie: Yeah! You said it, Karkat! ^_^
Karkat: STOP TALKING TO ME!
And the identity of the Titan is painfully obvious to anyone who has done the research.
Dave: its batman. obviously.
Still, my ex-partner, an expert on mystic artifacts, assures me that the suppression field will remain in place as long as the sword is not removed from its pedestal.
I, however, doubt that this will last.
Karkat: GEE, I HOPE THAT INCREDIBLY LIKELY THING THAT WAS MENTIONED IN THE SYNOPSYS DOESN'T HAPPEN.
-The Conductor of Hinatasou
------------------
It was a fairly normal day for Urashima Keitaro, manager of the Hinata Apartments. Naru had punched him through the ceiling for being a pervert, Mokoto smashed Keitaro through a wall with her sword after Kietaro complimented her figure, and Su had just finished using the manager as a test subject for her new "Mecha Tama Ultra Plus EX Attack Drone Squad MK. 3".
Just a normal day for Keitaro.
Karkat: CHARACTER EXAGGERATION AT IT'S FINEST.
Today, Keitaro was cleaning the basement, in hopes that the girls wouldn't hit him anymore if he just left them alone.
Today, Keitaro was cleaning the basement, in hopes that the girls wouldn't hit him anymore if he just left them alone.
Keitaro sighed. "Well, my life might not be pleasant, but at least it's interesting…"
Dave: so are civil wars but you dont want to live in those either.
The basement of the Hinata Apartments was crammed wall-to-wall with all sorts of junk. Granted, most of it was part of the nest of that giant metal-eating turtle robot Su had built a few months ago.
Karkat: REFERENCE TO EPISODE 12, BITCHES.
Still, there were plenty of old knick-nacks spread out in various piles throughout the basement. So far, he had found a SNES, a stack of old Batman comics, several dozen failed Mecha Tama-Chan prototypes, the world's eighth largest rubber band ball, picture of a sad clown, a wooden replica of The Lost Ark, a black case filled with Warhammer 40000 stuff, an old film canister with a zombie movie pictured on it, some creepy, gothic-lolita porcelain dolls, a clockwork orange, along with a large number of similarly robotic fruits, a copy of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (the actual encyclopedia, not the novel), a fiendishly glowing puzzle cube, the real lost ark, a bowling trophy, an original copy of the united states constitution, a fake can of peanut brittle with a rubber snake on a spring, and a plastic magical girl rod.
Still, there were plenty of old knick-nacks spread out in various piles throughout the basement. So far, he had found a SNES, a stack of old Batman comics, several dozen failed Mecha Tama-Chan prototypes, the world's eighth largest rubber band ball, picture of a sad clown, a wooden replica of The Lost Ark, a black case filled with Warhammer 40000 stuff, an old film canister with a zombie movie pictured on it, some creepy, gothic-lolita porcelain dolls, a clockwork orange, along with a large number of similarly robotic fruits, a copy of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (the actual encyclopedia, not the novel), a fiendishly glowing puzzle cube, the real lost ark, a bowling trophy, an original copy of the united states constitution, a fake can of peanut brittle with a rubber snake on a spring, and a plastic magical girl rod.
Jake: Here the author utilizes a literary device "checkov's gun", where the author briefly mentions a seemingly irrelevant detail that becomes important later on in the story.
Karkat: HOW THE HELL WOULD ANYONE USE MOST OF THAT STUFF?
Jake: Beats me, but i can't wait to find out! I would also like to mention that the black case with warhamemr stuff in it is likely a shout out to "Shinji and Warhammer 40k", a very bizzare, well known crossover between Neon Genesis Evangelion and Warhammer 40k.
Dave: of course it is.
"Boy, this is hard work." Keitaro sat down and leaned back on a nearby chair, "I think I'll just take a little-"
*CLICK*, Keitaro's chair accidently tripped a hidden switch on the wall, and a trap door instantly opened underneath him.
Karkat: WELL AT LEAST THIS GUY IS IN CHARACTER. FOR NOW.
Keitaro screamed as he and the chair sided down the slanted passageway the trapdoor had opened up to. Then, he reached the bottom, and the chair fell over, flinging the unfortunate roinin halfway across the room.
"Ouch…" Kietaro said, landing face first on the hard cement floor.
He then got up and looked at his new surroundings. "Funny.", he said, "I don't remember THIS room…"
The room was mostly empty, featuring thick cement walls on every side. But at the end of the room, directly across from him, he saw a bright, glowing object.
Dave: this is your grandmother speaking. step into the light ketiaro.
Jake: Actually i'm pretty sure she's still alive.
The brown haired man put his glasses back on, and took a few steps closer to get a better look. He found that the bright, glowing object was a large sword-shaped thing made of crystal, standing on an ornate pedestal that was also made of a glowing crystal.
This puzzled Keitaro. Why would anyone make a sword made of crystal? It looked far to blunt to cut anything, and even though it might be heavy, a misplaced swing would be all it would take to shatter it.
Dave: given that the most popular rpg character of all time uses a sword taller than he is thats not so strange.
Curious, he stepped closer still, reaching out to grab the blade by the hilt.
The brown haired man put his glasses back on, and took a few steps closer to get a better look. He found that the bright, glowing object was a large sword-shaped thing made of crystal, standing on an ornate pedestal that was also made of a glowing crystal.
This puzzled Keitaro. Why would anyone make a sword made of crystal? It looked far to blunt to cut anything, and even though it might be heavy, a misplaced swing would be all it would take to shatter it.
Dave: given that the most popular rpg character of all time uses a sword taller than he is thats not so strange.
Curious, he stepped closer still, reaching out to grab the blade by the hilt.
Karkat: BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY YOU WANT TO SWING AROUND A SWORD THAT YOU KNOW LOOKS REALLY FRAGILE.
"I wouldn't do that, Keitaro." Said a voice from behind.
Keitaro turned to see his aunt Hiruka standing behind him. "O- Old lady?" he stammered.
"I wouldn't do that, Keitaro." Said a voice from behind.
Keitaro turned to see his aunt Hiruka standing behind him. "O- Old lady?" he stammered.
*WHACK*
"Call me Hiruka-San." said the old lady Hiruka-san.
"Call me Hiruka-San." said the old lady Hiruka-san.
Karkat: ...ANOTHER SERIES IN-JOKE. YOU HAD TO BE THERE TO GET IT.
Dave: I'll bet.
She put her hammer back in the extra-dimensional space she found it in, and threw the unconscious destined wielder of the Soul Caliber over her shoulder.
Jake: Such suspense! I can't wait to read more.
Karkat: WELL QUIT WAITING; THERE'S ONLY SIX CHAPTERS SO WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET THROUGH IT IN ONE SITTING.
Dave: yeah well read your stupid romcom fic if you want. im outta here.
Karkat: I ALSO RIGGED THE ROOM TO EXPLODE IF ANYONE TRIED TO LEAVE, AND ONLY I KNOW HOW TO DISABLE THE BOMB. THINK OF THIS AS REVENGE FOR MAKING ME SIT THROUGH THIRTY HS.
Pinkie: But wait, didn't you want to get away from me? )_(
Karkat: ...I ADMIT THIS WAS NOT ONE OF MY BETTER PLANS. BUT I FEAR CERTAIN DEATH IN AN EXPLOSION MORE THAN UNCERTAIN DEATH AT YOUR HANDS.
Pinkie: YAY! MANDATORY BONDING OPPORTUNITY! ^-^
Jake: Well... on to chapter 2 i guess.
Today Ragnarock came too close for comfort.
Keitaro absent-mindedly found the secret passageway leading to the room where the Soul Caliber is kept. If it were not for my quick actions, he may have been drawn to the sword.
Jake: Interesting. While this story was written before SoulCalibur V, i think the author may have correctly predicted the game's revelation that a spirit dwells within the titular blade, choosing it's wielder much like it's evil counterpart (Inferno of the Soul Edge) picks it's wielder. Maybe the guy writing this story was a prophet himself?
I took the opportunity to block off the trapdoor. But seeing that Keitaro is knocked though walls on a daily basis, this may only be a temporary measure.
Karkat: HINT HINT HINT.
Luckily, a friend of mine in Shibuya has offered to loan me his best reaper to act as guard for the Soul Caliber, so the blade's security will soon no longer be an issue.
Dave: well see about that.
But one thing troubles me: If the Soul Caliber is here, where is the Soul Edge?
- Hiruka-san, Conductor of the Hinata UnderGround (UG) Reaper's Game
I took the opportunity to block off the trapdoor. But seeing that Keitaro is knocked though walls on a daily basis, this may only be a temporary measure.
Karkat: HINT HINT HINT.
Luckily, a friend of mine in Shibuya has offered to loan me his best reaper to act as guard for the Soul Caliber, so the blade's security will soon no longer be an issue.
Dave: well see about that.
But one thing troubles me: If the Soul Caliber is here, where is the Soul Edge?
- Hiruka-san, Conductor of the Hinata UnderGround (UG) Reaper's Game
------------------
Sho Minamimoto yawned. He had just had the most amazing dream.
He dreamt that this guy told him how he could create Taboo noise, and become the next composer, got killed by some red-haired hectopascal, got better, went on a vicious rampage, and was about to kill the Composer when he was crushed by a telephone booth.
Karkat: OH YEAH, SPOILER WARNING BY THE WAY.
"Wait a nanosecond!" He said, "That was no dream! That was my victory equation!"
"Wait a nanosecond!" He said, "That was no dream! That was my victory equation!"
Dave: step 1 create taboo noise. step 2 get killed. step 3 come back to life as taboo noise. step 4 think of something clever and dont get killed. step 5 become the composer.
He kicked his feet against the ground. "And I would have gotten away with it, to, if it weren't for that meddling undefined variable…"
He kicked his feet against the ground. "And I would have gotten away with it, to, if it weren't for that meddling undefined variable…"
Pinkie: *MEOW*. Oh, and that meddling cat! ^0^
Dave: this has been another twewy joke that only three of you will get.
Sho then scratched his head, and looked in every direction. Where was he, anyway? "Argh! Stupid composer! Stupid subtracting-me- for-real irrational integer!"
Sho then scratched his head, and looked in every direction. Where was he, anyway? "Argh! Stupid composer! Stupid subtracting-me- for-real irrational integer!"
Jake: You see it's funny because integers are, by definition, rational numbers!
Karkat: THAT'S COMIC GOLD, RIGHT THERE.
Sho jumped up in down repeatedly in frustration. Then he got to his knees and screamed, "WHAT THE ZETA!?"
Suddenly, there was a flash of bright light, and Mr. Hanekoma appeared in front of Sho. "Miss me?" he said.
The author now realizes that many of you probably haven't played TWEWY. If you're having trouble understanding what these characters look like, go look them up on the interweb. I'll wait.
Suddenly, there was a flash of bright light, and Mr. Hanekoma appeared in front of Sho. "Miss me?" he said.
The author now realizes that many of you probably haven't played TWEWY. If you're having trouble understanding what these characters look like, go look them up on the interweb. I'll wait.
Dave: laaaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzzyyyyyyyyyy.
"You!" Pi-Face leaped up and pointed his finger accusingly. "You're that one guy! You know that guy who did that… thing… um…" Minamimoto puzzled for a moment. "Err… your name begins with an 'R', right?"
"You!" Pi-Face leaped up and pointed his finger accusingly. "You're that one guy! You know that guy who did that… thing… um…" Minamimoto puzzled for a moment. "Err… your name begins with an 'R', right?"
Karkat: THIS IS THE PERFECT LOCATION TO ADD A CANNED LAUGH TRACK.
Mr. H smiled, "And a happy hello to you, too." His face then immediately turned deathly serious. "Look, I'm in trouble, and the composer has his hands full, so I need you to do us a favor…"
"Oh?" Sho sneered, "And why the zeta should I help you? What's in it for me?"
The mysterious coffee-shop owner smirked, "Three reasons: 1: We need you to help prevent the end of the world. 2. If you can do this for me, I might be able to lower or even annul you sentence. And 3: you owe me a favor anyway."
Mr. H smiled, "And a happy hello to you, too." His face then immediately turned deathly serious. "Look, I'm in trouble, and the composer has his hands full, so I need you to do us a favor…"
"Oh?" Sho sneered, "And why the zeta should I help you? What's in it for me?"
The mysterious coffee-shop owner smirked, "Three reasons: 1: We need you to help prevent the end of the world. 2. If you can do this for me, I might be able to lower or even annul you sentence. And 3: you owe me a favor anyway."
Dave: id explain this conversation but that would involve so many spoilers it would make your head spin.
Sho's mouth opened widely, reveal two gleaming rows of razor-sharp teeth. "All right, now you're talking…"
Now Mr. H handed Sho a white envelope. "Your mission is to prevent Urashima Keitaro from becoming the wielder of the Soul Caliber."
Pi-Face grinned even wider. "So all I have to do is prevent some radian from finding a magic sword? Easy as 3.14!"
Sho's mouth opened widely, reveal two gleaming rows of razor-sharp teeth. "All right, now you're talking…"
Now Mr. H handed Sho a white envelope. "Your mission is to prevent Urashima Keitaro from becoming the wielder of the Soul Caliber."
Pi-Face grinned even wider. "So all I have to do is prevent some radian from finding a magic sword? Easy as 3.14!"
Pinkie: *Rimshot* ^_^
Karkat: WHERE DID SHE GET A DRUMSET? AND FOR THAT MATTER HOW IS SHE HOLDING THE DRUMSTICKS?!
Dave: you really think you can apply logic to a magical pink pony??
Karkat: POINT TAKEN.
He then pulled out several large, glistening knives.
"…Without killing anyone." Hanekoma continued.
"Oh." Sho put his knives back in disappointment.
Dave: insert obligatory 'that would have been a much shorter story' joke.
"Anyway, the photograph of him, along with brief bios of the other Hinata Apartments residents, is all inside the envelope along additional instructions. You'll have full access to your reaper powers in the event that an outside force tries to intervene. If you should somehow fail, the region's Conductor will give you an alternative mission. Any questions?"
Minamimoto thought about his mission for a few moments. "Yeah." he said. "I don't remember you doin' me any favors…"
"…Without killing anyone." Hanekoma continued.
"Oh." Sho put his knives back in disappointment.
Dave: insert obligatory 'that would have been a much shorter story' joke.
"Anyway, the photograph of him, along with brief bios of the other Hinata Apartments residents, is all inside the envelope along additional instructions. You'll have full access to your reaper powers in the event that an outside force tries to intervene. If you should somehow fail, the region's Conductor will give you an alternative mission. Any questions?"
Minamimoto thought about his mission for a few moments. "Yeah." he said. "I don't remember you doin' me any favors…"
Karkat: *SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER*
Dave: dude. there were like eight people who played that game and of all of them you and jake are probably the only ones with the patience to read all the secret reports.
Jake: ...A spoiler's still a spoiler, dave.
Dave: yeah but not all of them are equal. i mean the shitty twist-
Caliborn: ARE YOu TALKING ABOuT SHITTY TWISTS!?!?!?!?!?!
Jake: How did you get into my room?
Caliborn: I AM EVERYWHERE.
Dave: of course you are. but as i was saying not all spoilers are created equal. like the shitty twist at the end of monster a go go where it turns out that-
Jake: I still need to see that one, actually. Please don't spoil it.
Caliborn: "AS IF A SWITCH HAD BEEN TuRNED, AS IF AN EYE HAD BEEN BLINKED, AS IF SOME PHANTOM FORCE IN THE uNIVERSE HAD MADE A MOVE EONS BEYOND OuR COMPREHENSION, SuDDENLY, THERE WAS NO TRAIL! THERE WAS NO GIANT, NO MONSTER, NO THING CALLED DOuGLAS TO BE FOLLOWED. THERE WAS NOTHING IN THE TuNNEL BuT THE PuZZLED MEN OF COuRAGE, WHO SuDDENLY FOuND THEMSELVES ALONE WITH SHADOWS AND DARKNESS!"
Jake: Oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Mr. H laughed, and began to walk away. "Then forget I said anything." He then disappeared into the darkness.
Sho started off into the distance. "Um… okayyyyy…"
Dave: dude. there were like eight people who played that game and of all of them you and jake are probably the only ones with the patience to read all the secret reports.
Jake: ...A spoiler's still a spoiler, dave.
Dave: yeah but not all of them are equal. i mean the shitty twist-
Caliborn: ARE YOu TALKING ABOuT SHITTY TWISTS!?!?!?!?!?!
Jake: How did you get into my room?
Caliborn: I AM EVERYWHERE.
Dave: of course you are. but as i was saying not all spoilers are created equal. like the shitty twist at the end of monster a go go where it turns out that-
Jake: I still need to see that one, actually. Please don't spoil it.
Caliborn: "AS IF A SWITCH HAD BEEN TuRNED, AS IF AN EYE HAD BEEN BLINKED, AS IF SOME PHANTOM FORCE IN THE uNIVERSE HAD MADE A MOVE EONS BEYOND OuR COMPREHENSION, SuDDENLY, THERE WAS NO TRAIL! THERE WAS NO GIANT, NO MONSTER, NO THING CALLED DOuGLAS TO BE FOLLOWED. THERE WAS NOTHING IN THE TuNNEL BuT THE PuZZLED MEN OF COuRAGE, WHO SuDDENLY FOuND THEMSELVES ALONE WITH SHADOWS AND DARKNESS!"
Jake: Oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Mr. H laughed, and began to walk away. "Then forget I said anything." He then disappeared into the darkness.
Sho started off into the distance. "Um… okayyyyy…"
------------------
ONE HOUR AFTER THE FLASHBACK YOU JUST READ…
OR IN SIMPLER TERMS, RIGHT NOW…
WELL, TECHNICHLY, NOT "RIGHT NOW", SINCE YOU ARE READING A STORY, AND THESE EVENTS AREN'T ACTUALLY HAPPENING.
Dave: thats not really helping.
AND EVEN IF THEY DID ACTUALLY HAPPEN, THE FACT THESE EVENTS HAVE BEEN WRITTEN DOWN IMPLIES THAT THEY HAPPENED IN THE PAST.
Karkat: *GET TO THE POINT!*
NEVERMIND. LET'S JUST GET BACK TO THE STORY…
-------------------
"What'cha doing?" Kitsune inquired.
Suddenly, Keitaro fell straight though the ceiling, and landed face-first on a big red target that was painted in front of the chair.
Su pressed the stopwatch. "480 seconds!" she screamed. "That's a new personal record! Keitaro ought to be very proud of himself!" Su then left the room with a beaming smile on her face, already contemplating new ways to make Keitaro's life more painful efficient.
Karkat: ONE OF THE MANY, MANY, MANY REASONS THAT THIS STORY DOESN'T WORK IS THAT IT RELIES TOO MUCH ON SLAPSTICK COMEDY, WHICH YOU CAN'T REALLY DO IN A LITERARY MEDIUM.
Jake: Since when were you such an expert on humor?
Karkat: WATCH ENOUGH BAD ALTERNIAN ROMCOMS AND WATCHING PEOPLE SUFFER WILL SEEM LIKE THE FUNNIEST THING IN THE WORLD.
"Forget I asked." Said Kitsune, excusing herself from the room.
Keitaro remained on the floor, motionless. "Am I dead yet?" he asked.
"Forget I asked." Said Kitsune, excusing herself from the room.
Keitaro remained on the floor, motionless. "Am I dead yet?" he asked.
Karkat: SADLY, NO.
Hiruka calmly walked over to the spot where the manager lied, and peeled him off the floor. "Are you done fooling around?" she asked. "I need you to interview this guy. A friend of mine recommended him for a job here so you might as well keep him on a trial basis."
"Fine… whatever you say…" Keitaro went limp and fell back on the floor, whereupon his aunt picked him up again. "After all…" Keitaro continued "…another hand around the house? How bad could it be?"
Hiruka calmly walked over to the spot where the manager lied, and peeled him off the floor. "Are you done fooling around?" she asked. "I need you to interview this guy. A friend of mine recommended him for a job here so you might as well keep him on a trial basis."
"Fine… whatever you say…" Keitaro went limp and fell back on the floor, whereupon his aunt picked him up again. "After all…" Keitaro continued "…another hand around the house? How bad could it be?"
Jake: Ooh! I can see where this is going!
As if to answer his question, it was at that moment that a scary-looking biker guy kicked his way through the front door. As Keitaro cowered in fear behind Hiruka-san, the figure took a few steps closer.
"Sup' radians." Sho Minamimoto cracked his knuckles, "I'm here for the job. Are you gonna' hire me, or do I need to factor it out for ya'?"
As if to answer his question, it was at that moment that a scary-looking biker guy kicked his way through the front door. As Keitaro cowered in fear behind Hiruka-san, the figure took a few steps closer.
"Sup' radians." Sho Minamimoto cracked his knuckles, "I'm here for the job. Are you gonna' hire me, or do I need to factor it out for ya'?"
Pinkie: *Wha wha wha whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa* ^-^
Karkat: AND NOW SHE HAS A TROMBONE? HOW...? WHY...?
Dave: word of advice. don't stare at her for too long or youll go mad.
Keitaro gulped. This was NOT going to end well.
Keitaro gulped. This was NOT going to end well.
Jake: Well i think it's going quite well so far. I cannot wait to see what chapter three has in store!
Karkat: WELL YOU WON'T HAVE TO, HERE COMES THE NEXT CHAPTER.
Chapter 3: IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT (but I'm feeling fine)
Dave: well at least he has good taste in music.
I do not own Love Hina, nor do I claim to. If you have a problem with that, I suggest you print this Fic out and tear the copies into little pieces. It won't resolve your problem, but it will make you feel a little better.
Three days after hiring Sho, Keitaro went about his managerial duties. He was currently carrying a heavy box that Su got in the mail, when he saw Pi-face and Kentaro washing the dishes.
I do not own Love Hina, nor do I claim to. If you have a problem with that, I suggest you print this Fic out and tear the copies into little pieces. It won't resolve your problem, but it will make you feel a little better.
---------------
Three days after hiring Sho, Keitaro went about his managerial duties. He was currently carrying a heavy box that Su got in the mail, when he saw Pi-face and Kentaro washing the dishes.
Dave: wait whose kentaro again?
Karkat: HE'S KEITARO'S RIVAL FOR NARU'S AFFECTION FOR, LIKE, ONE OR TWO EPISODES. THEN HE GETS DEMOTED TO COMIC RELIEF. HE DIDN'T EVEN APPEAR IN THE MANGA.
"Stupid yoctogram!" he shouted, "You're not doing it right!"
"Please." Kentaro responded, "I have seniority over you. How would you know how to clean them?"
"Stupid yoctogram!" he shouted, "You're not doing it right!"
"Please." Kentaro responded, "I have seniority over you. How would you know how to clean them?"
Dave: yes kentaro. continue to taunt the unstable tall man in leather. im sure that will work out just fine.
Caliborn: DIBS ON THE LOSER'S ENTRIALS!
"Wiping them clockwise! Every brainless integer knows you have to wipe them counterclockwise!" He glared at Kentaro in disgust, "It's like trying to find the cubic sum of an irrational tangent!"
"Do you really think people talk like that, or are you just trying to bug me?"
"Wiping them clockwise! Every brainless integer knows you have to wipe them counterclockwise!" He glared at Kentaro in disgust, "It's like trying to find the cubic sum of an irrational tangent!"
"Do you really think people talk like that, or are you just trying to bug me?"
Karkat: ITS OFFICIAL, KENTARO IS MY FAVORITE CHARACTER IN THIS STORY.
After hearing their petty argument, Keitaro breathed a sigh of relief. Despite Keitaro and Naru's protests (the latter involving Naru punching Keitaro in the face), Hiruka was absolutely insistent on hiring the man.
He could clearly remember everyone's first impressions of Sho…
After hearing their petty argument, Keitaro breathed a sigh of relief. Despite Keitaro and Naru's protests (the latter involving Naru punching Keitaro in the face), Hiruka was absolutely insistent on hiring the man.
He could clearly remember everyone's first impressions of Sho…
----------------
Dave: man. this story has more flashbacks than that Family Guy/Dr. Who crossover.
The Doctor: Keep blocking that door with your massive girth, Peter, the fate of the free world could depend on it!
Peter Griffen: Man, this is worse than the time I stole a truck full of bengal tigers.
Lois Griffen: Peter, we can't just keep tigers around the house! Think of the children!
Peter: Ah, they'll be fine. Just like the time they wen't scuba diving with the cast of Ocean's Eleven.
Brian: You know, the cast of Oceans Eleven are really nice to bring us scuba diving with them.
Stewie: it beats reviewing bad fanfiction with Jake English, at any rate.
Karkat: NO! WE HAVE A BAN ON RECURSIVE FLASHBACKS! ESPECIALLY ONES THAT YOU WEREN'T ACTUALLY THERE FOR!
All the residents of the Hinata Apartments were seated around the kitchen table.
"So what's the big news?" Kitsune asked, "I mean, you wouldn't have called us here unless you wanted to tell us something, am I right?"
Dave: actually i just like wasting your time. false alarm.
Keitaro laughed nervously, "Well… A friend of Hiruka-san has a friend, who knows this guy who's looking for a job, but he just got out of prison and he's really creepy but Hiruka-san insisted on hiring him anyway without thinking of the consequences of doing so, so I wanted to get you opinion before…"
Mokoto unsheathed her wooden practice blade. "Get to the point." She said.
Keitaro lowered his head in shame. "Fine… see for yourself." He pointed to the next room, where the girls saw who they thought was undoubtedly the scariest man alive.
The young man was dressed in a freaky black jacket, with ripped black pants and a black hat covering his blackish-black hair.
Keitaro laughed nervously, "Well… A friend of Hiruka-san has a friend, who knows this guy who's looking for a job, but he just got out of prison and he's really creepy but Hiruka-san insisted on hiring him anyway without thinking of the consequences of doing so, so I wanted to get you opinion before…"
Mokoto unsheathed her wooden practice blade. "Get to the point." She said.
Keitaro lowered his head in shame. "Fine… see for yourself." He pointed to the next room, where the girls saw who they thought was undoubtedly the scariest man alive.
The young man was dressed in a freaky black jacket, with ripped black pants and a black hat covering his blackish-black hair.
i flipped it black suits white shirts black glasses with a matching tie
Karkat: WE ALSO HAVE A BAN ON PITBULL, UNLESS YOU WANT TO REPEAT THE "LEJJOIN LOLLIPOP CHAINSAW MASSACRE" INDECENT.
Dave: oh right i forgot about that.
He also had a deep tan, a blood-red bandanna, and a creepy smile that screamed to the world, "I'm evil! Get used to it!" The weirdo then pulled out a megaphone, and began to speak.
"Attention inferior hectopascals!" he yelled, "My name is Sho Minamimoto, AKA 'The Grim Heaper', AKA your new odd jobs guy! Don't get in my way, or else: CRUNCH!" he cracked his knuckles for emphasis, "I'll add you to the heap!"
"Attention inferior hectopascals!" he yelled, "My name is Sho Minamimoto, AKA 'The Grim Heaper', AKA your new odd jobs guy! Don't get in my way, or else: CRUNCH!" he cracked his knuckles for emphasis, "I'll add you to the heap!"
Dave: great. hes one of those guys who just remixes the best lines from canon. don't you just hate it when they do that?
He put his megaphone down, and continued to smile, leaving the girls speechless for a few minutes.
"Err…" Kietaro broke the silence, "Any questions?"
Then they all shouted at once.
"Keitaro you moron!" said Naru, hitting our hero squarely in the stomach.
"Probably another one of your pervert friends!" Mokoto pulled out her blade and stuck the Roinin with a heavy blow.
"He looks more like a child molester…" Kitsune added.
Jake: She does have a point...
"Yaaah! He's really scary!" Shinobu screamed.
"I dunno. He looks nice enough to me." Said Mutsumi, head in the clouds as usual.
"You've done some stupid things before," This time Naru kicked Keitaro in the jaw, "But this time you've gone too far!"
"Yay! Hitting Kietaro is fun!" Su decided to join in the fun by repeatedly whacking Keitaro with a baseball bat.
"Yaaah! He's really scary!" Shinobu screamed.
"I dunno. He looks nice enough to me." Said Mutsumi, head in the clouds as usual.
"You've done some stupid things before," This time Naru kicked Keitaro in the jaw, "But this time you've gone too far!"
"Yay! Hitting Kietaro is fun!" Su decided to join in the fun by repeatedly whacking Keitaro with a baseball bat.
Karkat: ...CUZ SHE'S ALL RANDOM AND STUFF. GEDDIT?
Pinkie: Weee! This bed is sooooo bouncy! ^0^
Caliborn: FOOLISH EQuINE! HOW DARE YOu TRY TO BREAK MY BED BOuNCING RECORD! I WILL HAVE VENGENCE!
Pinkie: Only if you can catch me! ^-^
Karkat: ...WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER?
This argument continued well into the night, and only stopped after Keitaro blacked out from the pain, Mokoto's wooden sword had went dull, and Su had ran out of weapons to use. At this point, the girls said their obligatory "good-nights" to each other and went to bed, whereupon Hiruka-san came and dragged Kietaro off to bed as well.
This argument continued well into the night, and only stopped after Keitaro blacked out from the pain, Mokoto's wooden sword had went dull, and Su had ran out of weapons to use. At this point, the girls said their obligatory "good-nights" to each other and went to bed, whereupon Hiruka-san came and dragged Kietaro off to bed as well.
Dave: ...they need to work on their people skills.
"Man," Sho observed as he walked away from the house, "These radians are all so zeta nuts…" He walked off. "It's like I'm the only zeta sane person in the room!" He then began to laugh insanely, until one of those old men who keep showing to make cryptic sayings whacked him with a cane.
"Man," Sho observed as he walked away from the house, "These radians are all so zeta nuts…" He walked off. "It's like I'm the only zeta sane person in the room!" He then began to laugh insanely, until one of those old men who keep showing to make cryptic sayings whacked him with a cane.
Karkat: THANK YOU.
----------------
"On that night," Kietaro recalled, "They all agreed that this guy was completely, utterly, dangerously insane."
And insane he was. But he was also a quick learner.
"After all," Kietaro mused, "He had learned to stay out of Mokoto's way after the eight time he called her a "Hottie"."
Karkat: I KNOW THAT'S OUT OF CHARACTER FOR SHO, I'M JUST NOT SURE WHY...
Jake: Is it because Sho is usually perceived by the fandom as being single-mindedly devoted to mathematics, art, and attaining power to the exclusion of all else, including sexual desires?
Karkat: NO, IT'S BECAUSE I DON'T THINK HE WOULD EVER LEARN HIS LESSON.
After that, things had fallen into a new routine. Though Sho continued to grumble about having to do inane tasks, all it took was a quick glace from Naru, Mokoto, or even Kaolla Su to scare him straight.
"And with a new channel for Naru's anger," he cheerfully realized, "She actually starting to be relatively nice to me! Her last punch didn't even manage to clear the ceiling! "
Karkat: I SHOULD POINT OUT THAT WHILE IT EXISTS IN THE MANGA, THE WHOLE "NARU PUNCHES KEITARO THOUGH BUILDINGS" THING IS MUCH MORE COMMON IN THE ANIME.
After that, things had fallen into a new routine. Though Sho continued to grumble about having to do inane tasks, all it took was a quick glace from Naru, Mokoto, or even Kaolla Su to scare him straight.
"And with a new channel for Naru's anger," he cheerfully realized, "She actually starting to be relatively nice to me! Her last punch didn't even manage to clear the ceiling! "
Karkat: I SHOULD POINT OUT THAT WHILE IT EXISTS IN THE MANGA, THE WHOLE "NARU PUNCHES KEITARO THOUGH BUILDINGS" THING IS MUCH MORE COMMON IN THE ANIME.
Dave: the more you know.
Things were starting to look up for Urashima Keitaro.
"This zeta bites!" Pi-face said to himself as he swept the front hall. "I don't even know where this sword is, much less how to keep that radian away from It." he then got down on his knees in frustration, "For the love of Sohcahtoa! Send me a sign!"
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.
"Yeah yeah, I'm coming…" Show opened the door to find a very bizarre sight. Standing outside the doorway was a purplish-red vein covered orb with a creepy eyeball in the center of it. Attached to the eyeball-sphere was a pair of insectoid arms and legs, helping it stand over 10 feet tall.
"GREETINGS, SQUISHY FLESHBAG!" said the eyeball thing, "MY NAME IS CHARADE, AND I COME HERE ON BEHALF OF LORD NIGHTMARE AND HIS SIX-HUNDRED-AND-SIXTY-SIX AZURE KNIGHTS. CAN YOU PLEASE DEACTIVATE THE INVISIBLE ANTI-EVIL REAPER SEAL ON THE DOORWAY SO I CAN KILL URASHIMA KEITARO AND DESTROY THE LEGENDARY SOUL CALIBUR?"
Things were starting to look up for Urashima Keitaro.
"This zeta bites!" Pi-face said to himself as he swept the front hall. "I don't even know where this sword is, much less how to keep that radian away from It." he then got down on his knees in frustration, "For the love of Sohcahtoa! Send me a sign!"
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.
"Yeah yeah, I'm coming…" Show opened the door to find a very bizarre sight. Standing outside the doorway was a purplish-red vein covered orb with a creepy eyeball in the center of it. Attached to the eyeball-sphere was a pair of insectoid arms and legs, helping it stand over 10 feet tall.
"GREETINGS, SQUISHY FLESHBAG!" said the eyeball thing, "MY NAME IS CHARADE, AND I COME HERE ON BEHALF OF LORD NIGHTMARE AND HIS SIX-HUNDRED-AND-SIXTY-SIX AZURE KNIGHTS. CAN YOU PLEASE DEACTIVATE THE INVISIBLE ANTI-EVIL REAPER SEAL ON THE DOORWAY SO I CAN KILL URASHIMA KEITARO AND DESTROY THE LEGENDARY SOUL CALIBUR?"
Dave: ...
Karkat: ...
Jake: ...
Karkat: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! THIS IS WRONG! THIS IS ALL WRONG!
Jake: I admit i don't play fighting games much, but even i know this is at odds with the character.
Dave: yeah the author really dropped the ball here no pun intended. first of all charade doesnt talk and even if he could he probably wouldnt sound like a robot. second his entire purpose revolves around collecting pieces of the soul edge so he wouldn't be able to hold a conversation like this and he would never come here in the first place. third he was reabsorbed into the soul edge in soucalibur 4 and thus wouldnt survive to the modern day though this was written before that game so the author couldnt have known that yet.
Sho gave Charade an annoyed look. "Yeah, sorry dude." He said, "But I'm supposed to be keeping whats-his-name from getting the sword thing."
"SO WHY DON'T YOU KILL HIM?" asked the assassin, "AFTER ALL, HE CAN'T WEILD THE BLADE IF HE'S DEAD."
"That's what I said." He replied, "But my stupid radian of a boss wants me to 'not kill anybody'." He made quote marks in the air with his fingers as he said this.
"WELL… DID HE SAY THAT I WASN'T ALLOWED TO KILL ANYONE?"
Minamimoto thought about this for a moment. "You know, I don't think he did." He then smirked gleefully. "Stand back…" He clawed the air in front of him with his one of his hands, and suddenly a reaper symbol appeared in mid-air before exploding into a million pieces. "Come right in."
"THANK YOU." said Charade. "THIS WILL JUST TAKE A MINUTE."
Sho gave Charade an annoyed look. "Yeah, sorry dude." He said, "But I'm supposed to be keeping whats-his-name from getting the sword thing."
"SO WHY DON'T YOU KILL HIM?" asked the assassin, "AFTER ALL, HE CAN'T WEILD THE BLADE IF HE'S DEAD."
"That's what I said." He replied, "But my stupid radian of a boss wants me to 'not kill anybody'." He made quote marks in the air with his fingers as he said this.
"WELL… DID HE SAY THAT I WASN'T ALLOWED TO KILL ANYONE?"
Minamimoto thought about this for a moment. "You know, I don't think he did." He then smirked gleefully. "Stand back…" He clawed the air in front of him with his one of his hands, and suddenly a reaper symbol appeared in mid-air before exploding into a million pieces. "Come right in."
"THANK YOU." said Charade. "THIS WILL JUST TAKE A MINUTE."
Karkat: ...YOU PEOPLE ARE ALL IDIOTS AND COMPLETELY DESERVE THIS.
Hiruka sat on a comfy chair, sipping a cup of tea as she read the critical praise of CAT's latest album. As she sat there, she mentally went over recent events, trying to find the right choice of words for the entry in her log.
Eventually, when she was assured that nobody was looking, the Conductor of the Hinatasou UG put down her paper and turned on a laptop computer. After spending a few minutes logging on, she began to recap the day's occurrences.
"Entry 5:" she began. "In only three days, Sho Minamimoto has somehow managed to make the transition from backstabbing ex-reaper to grouchy domestic servant." She thought about this for a second, as if someone had said that two and two were three. "Though all evidence would point to him being intimidated by Naru and Mokoto's aggression (as well as Su's general attitude), being a top-ranked reaper with full access to his powers, this theory doesn't seem likely."
Now Hiruka shifted to the meat of her article: "There are three possible explanations for this change in demeanor. First, he could be quite honestly intimidated by their presence. The implications of this are grim; it would mean that the suppression field is waning, and that Ragnarock is about to begin without the prophecy. Second, it could mean that Minamimoto is manipulating the residences to his own ends.
Hiruka sat on a comfy chair, sipping a cup of tea as she read the critical praise of CAT's latest album. As she sat there, she mentally went over recent events, trying to find the right choice of words for the entry in her log.
Eventually, when she was assured that nobody was looking, the Conductor of the Hinatasou UG put down her paper and turned on a laptop computer. After spending a few minutes logging on, she began to recap the day's occurrences.
"Entry 5:" she began. "In only three days, Sho Minamimoto has somehow managed to make the transition from backstabbing ex-reaper to grouchy domestic servant." She thought about this for a second, as if someone had said that two and two were three. "Though all evidence would point to him being intimidated by Naru and Mokoto's aggression (as well as Su's general attitude), being a top-ranked reaper with full access to his powers, this theory doesn't seem likely."
Now Hiruka shifted to the meat of her article: "There are three possible explanations for this change in demeanor. First, he could be quite honestly intimidated by their presence. The implications of this are grim; it would mean that the suppression field is waning, and that Ragnarock is about to begin without the prophecy. Second, it could mean that Minamimoto is manipulating the residences to his own ends.
Caliborn: YES, SOON I WILL HAVE AN ARMY OF NINE YOuNG WOMEN! NINE OF THEM! AND WITH THIS ARMY I WILL TAKE OVER THE WOOOOORRRRLD!
Dave: yeah keep dreaming.
Hanekoma warned me about this possibility, but a mutiny is nothing I can't handle on my own. The third and least likely possibility is that he has suffered massive brain damage, and has become, in effect, an idiot."
She throught about this for a moment. "Not that Sho had much brain capacity to begin with."
Having gotten her theories written down, she decided to end the entry with something that had been bothering her. "Though I will need to watch Minamimoto over the next few days, other than that things have been going perfectly…"
Suddenly, there was a crash, and the familiar voice of Keitaro rang throughout the hallway. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! TASKATE! HEEEEEELP!"
She throught about this for a moment. "Not that Sho had much brain capacity to begin with."
Having gotten her theories written down, she decided to end the entry with something that had been bothering her. "Though I will need to watch Minamimoto over the next few days, other than that things have been going perfectly…"
Suddenly, there was a crash, and the familiar voice of Keitaro rang throughout the hallway. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! TASKATE! HEEEEEELP!"
Pinkie: Otaku Nihonjin for the win! ^_^
"…TOO perfectly."
"SURRENDER, HUMAN FLESHBAG!" shouted Charade, holding Keitaro in his currently massive right arm. "TELL ME WHERE THE SOUL CALIBUR IS, OR I WILL HAVE TO KILL YOU!"
"WAAAAAAAAHGH! HELPMEHELPMEHELPMEHELPME HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLP!" was all Keitaro said.
"FOOLISH MORTAL, WHY DO YOU RESIST STRUGGLEING? IT'S NOT LIKE IT WILL HELP."
Meanwhile, at the Elite Beat Agents HQ
"…TOO perfectly."
"SURRENDER, HUMAN FLESHBAG!" shouted Charade, holding Keitaro in his currently massive right arm. "TELL ME WHERE THE SOUL CALIBUR IS, OR I WILL HAVE TO KILL YOU!"
"WAAAAAAAAHGH! HELPMEHELPMEHELPMEHELPME HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLP!" was all Keitaro said.
"FOOLISH MORTAL, WHY DO YOU RESIST STRUGGLEING? IT'S NOT LIKE IT WILL HELP."
------------------
Meanwhile, at the Elite Beat Agents HQ
Karkat: ...WHAT?
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLP!" Went the image of Keitaro on the computer monitor.
Commander Khan watched as the hideous monster swung Kietaro around like a flail, causing untold damage to Kietaro and his immediate surroundings. He then turned to Agent J and those other two guys whose names I can't recall.
"Agents!" the commander began, "A pathetic loser named Urashima Keitaro need your help! Your mission is to dance well enough to inspire him to kick that eyeball monster's butt. Any questions?"
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLP!" Went the image of Keitaro on the computer monitor.
Commander Khan watched as the hideous monster swung Kietaro around like a flail, causing untold damage to Kietaro and his immediate surroundings. He then turned to Agent J and those other two guys whose names I can't recall.
"Agents!" the commander began, "A pathetic loser named Urashima Keitaro need your help! Your mission is to dance well enough to inspire him to kick that eyeball monster's butt. Any questions?"
Karkat: ...I SAY AGAIN, WHAT? WHY ARE THE ELITE BEAT AGENTS HERE? DID I STUMBLE INTO AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT STORY HERE?
The unnamed guy on the left raised his hand. "Um… sir? We don't have any songs for fighting giant eyeball monsters."
"Oh, really?" The commander looked skeptical. "Are you sure?"
"I checked." Said Agent J. "What should we do, sir?"
"I want you to find one dammit!" replied Khan. "What do I pay you guys for, anyway?"
---------------------
"HMM…" the monster mused, "FOR A MORTAL, YOU AREN'T VERY GOOD AT DIEING…"
"Thanks mummy…" Kietaro said deliriously, "…can you please pass the chocolate llamas?"
"WELL, I SUPPOSE I'LL JUST CUT YOUR LEGS OFF SO YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY WHILE I FIND A COOLER AND MORE PAINFUL WAY TO KILL YOU."
Pinkie Pie: *Laugh Track* We'll be right back with "Leave it To Charade" right after these commercial messages! ^-^
Caliborn: HELLO, I AM A SuPERVILLAIN. PEOPLE DIDN'T uSE TO TAKE ME SERIOuSLY. THEY CALLED ME A WEAKLING AND A JOKE VILLAIN. BuT AFTER READING "666 HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE OVERLORDS", I AM NOW DRINKING BLOOD FROM THE SKuLLS OF MY SLAIN FOES. THANKS, LORD ENLGISH. YOuR BOOK CHANGED MY LIFE COMPLETELY!
Pinkie Pie: And now we return to our regularly scheduled program. ^-^
"I wouldn't do that if I were you…" said an icy voice from behind. Charade's torso made a complete 360 degree turn, and found Mokoto and the others standing behind him. "Drop the roinin," she said, "Or I'll have no choice but to swear eternal vengeance upon your kind."
"I wouldn't do that if I were you…" said an icy voice from behind. Charade's torso made a complete 360 degree turn, and found Mokoto and the others standing behind him. "Drop the roinin," she said, "Or I'll have no choice but to swear eternal vengeance upon your kind."
"FINE. GO AHEAD, ATTACK ME! I DARE YA!"
So they did.
Charade laughed. Most of the girls put up a rather pathetic fight. Naru, as strong as she was, her punch couldn't even make him flinch. Shinobu tried throwing a kitchen knife, but she couldn't even throw it halfway. Kitsune threw a Molotov cocktail made with a bottle of sake, but ordinary flames were merely annoying to Charade, not painful. Mutsumi had brought a big gun of some sort that Su forgot to put away, but fainted before she could actually use it. And even Mokoto was hard pressed to land a blow on the foul beast, only managing to scrape it once or twice with her strongest Ki attacks.
Dave: fun fact. in the gamecube version of soulcalibur 2 you can beat this guy to death with a butterfly net.
"IS THAT ALL?" chuckled in splendor. "YOU FLESHBAGS AREN'T EVEN WORTH FIGHTING. COME ON! SHOW ME SOMEONE WHO CAN PUT UP A FIGHT!"
"Okie dokies!" said a voice from out of nowhere. Seconds later, Kaolla Su burst through the wall riding a humongous green tank. "Say by byes, Mr. Eyeball –san!"
"IS THAT ALL?" chuckled in splendor. "YOU FLESHBAGS AREN'T EVEN WORTH FIGHTING. COME ON! SHOW ME SOMEONE WHO CAN PUT UP A FIGHT!"
"Okie dokies!" said a voice from out of nowhere. Seconds later, Kaolla Su burst through the wall riding a humongous green tank. "Say by byes, Mr. Eyeball –san!"
Karkat: ...
Pinkie: Why are you looking at me like that? 8_8
Karkat: ...N-NO REASON.
Unfortunately, before Su could pull the trigger, the fragile, burning floor collapsed under the massive weight of the tank, sending Charade, Keitaro, Naru, and everyone else to the secret room under the basement.
Unfortunately, before Su could pull the trigger, the fragile, burning floor collapsed under the massive weight of the tank, sending Charade, Keitaro, Naru, and everyone else to the secret room under the basement.
Dave: worst. secret room. ever.
Kietaro woke up, and yawned. "Wow… what an amazing… dream?" he looked around, and saw his friends unconscious on the floor in the room he had seen in his "Dream", with his hands clasped on the sword-thing from earlier. "Wha… it wasn't a dream at all?!"
Kietaro woke up, and yawned. "Wow… what an amazing… dream?" he looked around, and saw his friends unconscious on the floor in the room he had seen in his "Dream", with his hands clasped on the sword-thing from earlier. "Wha… it wasn't a dream at all?!"
Karkat: GOOD GUESS, GEINUS.
"GOOD GUESS, GEINUS."
"GOOD GUESS, GEINUS."
Karkat: STOP STEALING MY LINES!
Keitaro looked up and saw the monster from his other, more recent "Dream" standing next to him. "NOW PULL OUT THAT SWORD SO YOU CAN KILL ME AND GET IT OVER WITH."
"Wha…" the manager began, when suddenly Hiruka-san burst through the trapdoor that the manager had used earlier, carrying Minamimoto by the ear.
"Don't do it!" she shouted, sweat dripping down her face. "You're immortal! You can't be killed! He's just trying to trick you into causing the end of the world!"
"Wha…" the manager began, when suddenly Hiruka-san burst through the trapdoor that the manager had used earlier, carrying Minamimoto by the ear.
"Don't do it!" she shouted, sweat dripping down her face. "You're immortal! You can't be killed! He's just trying to trick you into causing the end of the world!"
Jake: Exposition!
"I'm what?"
"The Asymptote is right!" Sho glared at the eyeball. "That inverse tangent tricked me into solving the equation for him!"
"I'm… imm.. immor..?"
"WELL, IF YOU WANT TO BELIEVE THIS NAGGING OLD GOAT AND SOME SILLY SUPERSTION, I GUESS I'LL JUST KILL THIS GIRL INSTEAD!" He then grabbed Naru's unconscious body and held her up in the air. "NOW TAKE THE SOUL CALIBIR AND BE A BIG DAMN HERO BEFORE I GO THROUGH WITH IT."
"Make the right choice." said Hiruka-san, "What's it going to be: The girl, or the world?"
"I, I, I…" Keitaro was gripped with crippling indecision, as the rest of the girls began to wake up.
"BE A HERO!" shouted Charade. "SAVE HER!"
"Don't be a moron!" shouted Hiruka.
"I'm what?"
"The Asymptote is right!" Sho glared at the eyeball. "That inverse tangent tricked me into solving the equation for him!"
"I'm… imm.. immor..?"
"WELL, IF YOU WANT TO BELIEVE THIS NAGGING OLD GOAT AND SOME SILLY SUPERSTION, I GUESS I'LL JUST KILL THIS GIRL INSTEAD!" He then grabbed Naru's unconscious body and held her up in the air. "NOW TAKE THE SOUL CALIBIR AND BE A BIG DAMN HERO BEFORE I GO THROUGH WITH IT."
"Make the right choice." said Hiruka-san, "What's it going to be: The girl, or the world?"
"I, I, I…" Keitaro was gripped with crippling indecision, as the rest of the girls began to wake up.
"BE A HERO!" shouted Charade. "SAVE HER!"
"Don't be a moron!" shouted Hiruka.
Karkat: TOO LATE.
"And stop it with the suspense! You're so Zeta slow!" Sho added.
"Urashima! What's going on?" asked Shinobu.
"What the hell do you think you're doing!?" shouted Kitsune.
"Kietaro," Mokoto said, "If this is true, then you might not be able to die. But if you doom the world, I'll make sure you wished you could!"
"Oh my…" was all Mutsumi s said.
"What's a soul caliber?" asked Su, "Can you eat it?"
Then Naru woke up. When she saw the horrific beast that had captured her, she screamed, "What do you think you're doing?! Let go of me!"
At this point, Keitaro snapped. "yaAAAAarhrAAGH!" he screamed, clasping his hands to his head. "Everyone just SHUT UP FOR A MOMENT SO I CAN THINK!"
The entire room then gave Keitaro a blank stare. "What?" said Keitaro. "I just wanted you guys to be quiet so I could think it over. Why are you guys looking at me like I have two heads? I mean I'm being perfectly reasonab- ohhhh…" Keitaro let out a moan of agony when he saw what was in his right hand.
He was holding the Soul Caliber. Now the world was going to end.
"And stop it with the suspense! You're so Zeta slow!" Sho added.
"Urashima! What's going on?" asked Shinobu.
"What the hell do you think you're doing!?" shouted Kitsune.
"Kietaro," Mokoto said, "If this is true, then you might not be able to die. But if you doom the world, I'll make sure you wished you could!"
"Oh my…" was all Mutsumi s said.
"What's a soul caliber?" asked Su, "Can you eat it?"
Then Naru woke up. When she saw the horrific beast that had captured her, she screamed, "What do you think you're doing?! Let go of me!"
At this point, Keitaro snapped. "yaAAAAarhrAAGH!" he screamed, clasping his hands to his head. "Everyone just SHUT UP FOR A MOMENT SO I CAN THINK!"
The entire room then gave Keitaro a blank stare. "What?" said Keitaro. "I just wanted you guys to be quiet so I could think it over. Why are you guys looking at me like I have two heads? I mean I'm being perfectly reasonab- ohhhh…" Keitaro let out a moan of agony when he saw what was in his right hand.
He was holding the Soul Caliber. Now the world was going to end.
Karkat: STORYS OVER, LETS GO EVERYBODY.
Jake: Why are you in a rush to leave? You were the one who told us to read this in the first place!
Karkat: YES, AND NOW I REGRET MY DECISION. BUT WHO CARE WE HAVE MORE PRETENTIOUS NARRATION TO READ!
--------------------
Above Hinatasou, a change was occurring.
The town's scarce residents left their homes, and all looked at the sky.
Suddenly, without warning, a huge, red symbol appeared in the sky.
And it wasn't just Hinatasou.
All over the world this was happening.
And every man, woman, and child stood in stunned silence.
The players of the reaper's game recognized it as a Noise symbol, but didn't know what it was doing.
The Reapers, however knew what it was: embodiements of the collected emotions, both good and evil of the planet.
The reapers also knew what they were doing, but they didn't tell anyone.
They knew that humanity would find out soon enough.
--------------------
Chapter 4: Nice job breaking it, hero.
Somewhere else in Japan, Fyuki Hinata watched the airborne symbol in stunned silence. In all his years of research into the occult, never before had he heard of phenomena like this. "Natsumi! Gunso-san!" he shouted, "Come and see this!"
Jake: Now it's a Keroro Gunso (aka Sgt. Frog) crossover? Is this particuarly important to the plot?
Karkat: NO. IT'S JUST HERE TO WASTE OUR TIME.
I DON'T RELLY HAVE MUCH TO SAY ABOUT THIS PART OF THE STORY OTHER THAN THAT.
"I can see it, but I don't believe it." Said Natsumi, joining her brother on the back porch.
"Hey, sergeant." Fyuki called, "Do you have any idea what this is about?"
But Sergeant Keroro, the tiny, froglike leader of the Keroro platoon, was too busy shoving suitcase after suitcase into a space ship. "Oh, what's that?" totally ignored Fyuki, "Yes, the lights are very pretty." He then shut the trunk of his space vehicle, and scooted his way into the driver's seat "Now I'm going on a secret mission, and I don't know when I'll be back. And I have to leave right now before the end of the- I mean before my flight leaves."
"I can see it, but I don't believe it." Said Natsumi, joining her brother on the back porch.
"Hey, sergeant." Fyuki called, "Do you have any idea what this is about?"
But Sergeant Keroro, the tiny, froglike leader of the Keroro platoon, was too busy shoving suitcase after suitcase into a space ship. "Oh, what's that?" totally ignored Fyuki, "Yes, the lights are very pretty." He then shut the trunk of his space vehicle, and scooted his way into the driver's seat "Now I'm going on a secret mission, and I don't know when I'll be back. And I have to leave right now before the end of the- I mean before my flight leaves."
"Before your flight leaves?" Natsumi asked in an accusatory tone, "Don't you have your own space ship?"
The amphibian ignored the red-head's logic. "Well, I probably won't make it back. So I suppose this is goodbye forever! Don't worry about me, I'll send you guys a postcard or some-"
Suddenly, the hot-headed Corporal Giroro appeared out of nowhere to drop-kick the seargent in the head.
"YOU'RE ABANDOING US?" he shouted. "It's the end of the world, you dope! We need every man we've got for our last stand!"
"Wait," Said Fuyuki, now startled, "the end of the WHAT!?"
"Well," said the sergeant, "As they say on Pokopon: Best to fight and run away and live to fight-"
"WHAT A LOAD OF GARBAGE!" shouted Giroro before throwing the sergeant into a brick wall. "Now tell me, do you know of any other men trying to go AWOL?"
"WAAAAA!" screamed Private Tamama, popping out of the trunk. "I DON'T WANNA DIE!"
"Ku, Ku, I have to agree with the others." Said Assistant Lieutenant Whatever Kururu, suspiciously walking in from behind the corner. "After all, what's the point in dying a spectacular death if nobody is around to see it?"
"It's called honor, you wimps!" Giroro turned red in the- err… began to steam. "What are you, babies?"
"Yes." Said Tamama.
"Yep." Said Keroro
"I guess." Said Kururu
Fyuki thought about this for a second. "But wouldn't it be easier to take over the world if it's decimated by divine wrath?"
The four soldiers turned towards Fyuki. Then they faced each other and then started to laugh maniacally.
"Kerokerokerokero…."
"Girogirogirogiro…"
"Kukukuku…"
"Tamatamatamatama…"
"Nice going, moron…" said Natsumi.
"Just playing devil's advocate…" Fyuki nervously laughed.
--------------------
At the Tendo Dojo, Ranma Saotome woke up early for once. He looked up at the sky and saw that there was a creepy red symbol above the town.
Jake: It seems to be a rule of fanfiction that the larger an anime crossover becomes, the odds of ranma 1/2 being referenced approaches 100%.
Karkat: I STILL DON'T GET THE FACINATION WITH THIS SHOW. I MEAN IT'S ABOUT A GUY THAT TURNS INTO A GIRL WHEN SPLASHED WITH WATER, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
He turned to his dad (currently in the shape of a panda), and asked, "Hey pop, did you tick off some demigod again?"
The panda held up a sign that said "Nope".
"Oh." Ranma turned back to the sky. "Well, wake me if it's something important."
-------------------
Like everyone else in Shibuya, Neku looked up at the sky. But unlike everyone else, he looked down again. He had seen enough noise symbols for one lifetime, and since he wasn't in a reaper's game, he didn't intend to see any more.
Dave: because thats what we need. even more characters to forget about.
Just then, Neku felt the presence of an unseen someone. He turned around to find Joshua standing behind him.
"Miss me?" he asked.
"Shut up." Said Neku. "Whatever it is you want me to do, the answer is 'no'."
"Fine. Whatever." Joshua threw up his hands and started to walk away. "I just wanted to give you a heads-up."
"Oh?" said Neku. "About what?"
Suddenly, Neku noticed that other noise symbols had appeared, and were now floating around just a few feet above them. Everyone in the crowd screamed, and then started running around like maniacs.
"Never mind." Neku crossed his arms in frustration. "Anything else need to tell me?"
Joshua sighed. "Not here, you never know who could be listening. Meet me at WildKat in three hours, and bring the others with you."
"Is this another stupid scavenger hunt or something?" Neku rolled his eyes at his ex-partner. "Because I'm really not in the mood for it."
Just then, Neku felt the presence of an unseen someone. He turned around to find Joshua standing behind him.
"Miss me?" he asked.
"Shut up." Said Neku. "Whatever it is you want me to do, the answer is 'no'."
"Fine. Whatever." Joshua threw up his hands and started to walk away. "I just wanted to give you a heads-up."
"Oh?" said Neku. "About what?"
Suddenly, Neku noticed that other noise symbols had appeared, and were now floating around just a few feet above them. Everyone in the crowd screamed, and then started running around like maniacs.
"Never mind." Neku crossed his arms in frustration. "Anything else need to tell me?"
Joshua sighed. "Not here, you never know who could be listening. Meet me at WildKat in three hours, and bring the others with you."
"Is this another stupid scavenger hunt or something?" Neku rolled his eyes at his ex-partner. "Because I'm really not in the mood for it."
Karkat: A SCAVENGER HUNT!? IT'S CLEARLY THE END OF THE WORLD AND YOU THINK HE'S GOING TO TAKE YOU ON A SCANVEGER HUNT?!
Jake: Doing that would actually be in-character for joshua.
Karkat: POINT TAKEN.
"Trust me," said Joshua, before vanishing without a trace, "It's important."
Suddenly, Hiro Nakamura appeared in Times Square.
"Trust me," said Joshua, before vanishing without a trace, "It's important."
---------------
Suddenly, Hiro Nakamura appeared in Times Square.
Karkat: SURE. "HEROES". I'VE GIVEN UP TRYING TO GUESS WHATS GOING TO POP UP NEXT.
"YATTA!" he shouted to no one in particular, "I learned to swordfight, killed Sylar, saved the world, and had a cool adventure in feudal Japan without totally screwing up the future!"
Dave: yeah. but no.
He then looked around and saw everybody looking straight upwards. "What's everybody staring at?" he asked in his best attempt at broken English.
He then looked around and saw everybody looking straight upwards. "What's everybody staring at?" he asked in his best attempt at broken English.
Karkat: WAIT, DOES THAT MEAN HE WAS SPEAKING BROKEN ENGLISH ON PURPOSE?
Jake: Perhaps he does it so people underestimate him?
Dave: its as good an explination as any.
Then he looked up and saw the symbol floating in mid-air. He took a moment to mutter the Japanese equivalent of "Oh crap."
---------------
The effects of Ragnarock even spread as far as the netherworld …
------------
"Dood." Said generic prinny #1 to generic prinny #2, "This is some seriously messed up stuff."
Karkat: SO THIS STORY TAKES PLACE IN THE DISGAEA SERIES COSMOLOGY. BECAUSE APPARENTLY NORSE MYTHOLOGY IS JUST TOO SILLY, AND A WORLD WHERE DEAD SOULS BECOME TALKING PEGUIN SUITS MAKES PERFECT SENSE.
The two prinnies stood in awe at the glowing portal, before Laharl, self-proclaimed Overlord of the Netherworld, barged in and pushed them aside.
"What's the big deal here!?" he said. "What's this weird portal thing doing in my living room!?"
"Actually, your lowness…" generic prinny #3 quipped, "…this isn't your living room; This is the prinny break room."
"Shut up!" Laharl shouted, "It's my castle and I say this is my new living room! You can use that dumb tower in the east wing."
"But I thought you said that the tower was going to be your evil sunbathing deck?" Etna smiled. Though she was Laharl's vassal, she practically lived to prove him wrong.
"Fiiiiinneeee…" Laharl grimaced, "Then they can have that abandoned storeroom down by the front gate."
"Didn't you destroy that during your tantrum last week?" asked Flonne, his ditzy fallen-angel sidekick-type person.
Jake: Given that flonne is still an angel and Disgaea 4 wasn't made yet, i estimate that this story takes place sometime in the middle of Disgaea 1, before the space fleet invades, but after Laharl offically becomes Overlord.
Laharl stared at Flonne's cheerful expression, only making him angrier. "Whatever! They can have a broom closet for all I care!" he then picked up generic prinny #1 and tossed it out the window, where it made a satisfying explosion upon hitting the ground. "Anyone got a problem with that?"
"Actually, sir." said a third voice. "We're using all the broom closets to hold… well, brooms, obviously…"
Laharl stared at the white haired demon with the glasses. "Who the hell are you?"
"I'm Mao." He said. "I'm the protagonist of Disgaea 3, the latest game in the series."
"Um… right." The demonic prince raised an eyebrow. "And what are you doing here again?"
"Nothing much." Said Mao, "Since the author of this Fic is still in the middle of Disgaea 1, he has no experience with my personality. Thus my cameo in this work is very dry and generic."
Laharl stared at Flonne's cheerful expression, only making him angrier. "Whatever! They can have a broom closet for all I care!" he then picked up generic prinny #1 and tossed it out the window, where it made a satisfying explosion upon hitting the ground. "Anyone got a problem with that?"
"Actually, sir." said a third voice. "We're using all the broom closets to hold… well, brooms, obviously…"
Laharl stared at the white haired demon with the glasses. "Who the hell are you?"
"I'm Mao." He said. "I'm the protagonist of Disgaea 3, the latest game in the series."
"Um… right." The demonic prince raised an eyebrow. "And what are you doing here again?"
"Nothing much." Said Mao, "Since the author of this Fic is still in the middle of Disgaea 1, he has no experience with my personality. Thus my cameo in this work is very dry and generic."
Dave: well at least hes honest.
Jake: It's a shame, too; i was kind of looking forward to getting a dose of mao's mad science.
Dave: trust me, you don't want that.
"Yeah…" Etna stared at the guy for a moment, "Did you forget to take your meds or something?"
"No, not at all." Mao shifted his glasses "I simply seek to take over the universe through my knowledge of Anime and RPG's. Currently, I am posing as a humble vassal until you drop your guard, whereupon I shall strike you down and take my place as Supreme Overlord of-"
Laharl threw Mao out the window, whereupon he made a slightly less satisfying 'thud' upon hitting the ground. "Man, that guy was annoying." Said the prince.
Karkat: WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT CAMEO!?
"That wasn't very nice…" Flonne added.
"Who cares?" Laharl threw his arms behind his head, "Anyway, where does this portal lead to?"
Etna took a clipboard from one of the more intelligent looking prinnies. "Well," she said, "from our readings, we think this is a portal to the human world."
"You mean the place where all those drippy heroes come from?" Laharl yawned.
As if to prove a point, some muscular guy burst though the doorway with an ax screaming "DIE, DEMONIC SCUM!" just before Laharl impaled him with a sword.
"That wasn't very nice…" Flonne added.
"Who cares?" Laharl threw his arms behind his head, "Anyway, where does this portal lead to?"
Etna took a clipboard from one of the more intelligent looking prinnies. "Well," she said, "from our readings, we think this is a portal to the human world."
"You mean the place where all those drippy heroes come from?" Laharl yawned.
As if to prove a point, some muscular guy burst though the doorway with an ax screaming "DIE, DEMONIC SCUM!" just before Laharl impaled him with a sword.
Jake: I like to imagine that this is actually space marine from the doom comic. It all feels a bit more interconnected that way.
"Yep." said Etna without skipping a beat, "The very same. Apparently a portal like this is supposed to appear at the end of the world."
"Heeeellp…." The would-be hero moaned.
"It's about time the human world ended." Laharl scoffed, "Those idiots were getting annoying."
"Yep." said Etna without skipping a beat, "The very same. Apparently a portal like this is supposed to appear at the end of the world."
"Heeeellp…." The would-be hero moaned.
"It's about time the human world ended." Laharl scoffed, "Those idiots were getting annoying."
Karkat: YES THEY ARE, ARN'T THEY?
"Seriously, this HURTS…"
"So, what should we do now?" Flonne asked.
"Isn't it obvious, woman? This is a perfect opportunity!" Laharl then posed on top of a small pyramid of prinnies, "It's time to conquer the human world!"
"Is there a doctor in the house…?"
"Can we start with japan?" Flonne asked politely.
"Sure." said Laharl, "I could use a good laugh."
Six-hundred and sixty-six crimson robed figures sat around the table of perpetual pain and suffering in the ruins of Ostrhinesburg. These unseen, unnamed figures sat in great numbers, motionless, speechless, giving no hints as to their true identities.
A white robed figure, seated next to a throne at the front of the table, rose to address his crowd.
"Brothers." said the figure, "For hundreds of years, we, the six-hundred and sixty-six Azure Knights have been working in eager preparation for the return of our master, Lord Nightmare. I tell you now, his resurrection is nigh!"
A robed figure raised his hand. "Excuse me, Mr. Supreme Grand Master, sir? Why are we called the Azure Knights if we dress in red?"
Grand Master Zasalamel sighed. Four hundred and fifty straight years of these meetings, and every time there has to be some shmuck who asks about that. "Look, I'm in the middle of my big speech. Is the color of our robes such a big deal that we can't wait until AFTER I'm done?"
"Seriously, this HURTS…"
"So, what should we do now?" Flonne asked.
"Isn't it obvious, woman? This is a perfect opportunity!" Laharl then posed on top of a small pyramid of prinnies, "It's time to conquer the human world!"
"Is there a doctor in the house…?"
"Can we start with japan?" Flonne asked politely.
"Sure." said Laharl, "I could use a good laugh."
------------------
Six-hundred and sixty-six crimson robed figures sat around the table of perpetual pain and suffering in the ruins of Ostrhinesburg. These unseen, unnamed figures sat in great numbers, motionless, speechless, giving no hints as to their true identities.
A white robed figure, seated next to a throne at the front of the table, rose to address his crowd.
"Brothers." said the figure, "For hundreds of years, we, the six-hundred and sixty-six Azure Knights have been working in eager preparation for the return of our master, Lord Nightmare. I tell you now, his resurrection is nigh!"
A robed figure raised his hand. "Excuse me, Mr. Supreme Grand Master, sir? Why are we called the Azure Knights if we dress in red?"
Grand Master Zasalamel sighed. Four hundred and fifty straight years of these meetings, and every time there has to be some shmuck who asks about that. "Look, I'm in the middle of my big speech. Is the color of our robes such a big deal that we can't wait until AFTER I'm done?"
Dave: you know how i said that its bad how the author got charade wrong? well this is even worse since zalshamal actually had a personality and character arc. i mean its a fighting game so it's not a very big one, but its there.
The inquisitive figure slowly lowered his hand.
"Thank you…" The possibly Babylonian man muttered some curses under his breath. "You have no doubt seen the 'Endgame' symbols above towns and cities across the globe, have you not? Soon these towns and cities will be in complete chaos! After four hundred and fifty years of planning, we have finally brought about our ultimate goal: the end of the world!"
The inquisitive figure slowly lowered his hand.
"Thank you…" The possibly Babylonian man muttered some curses under his breath. "You have no doubt seen the 'Endgame' symbols above towns and cities across the globe, have you not? Soon these towns and cities will be in complete chaos! After four hundred and fifty years of planning, we have finally brought about our ultimate goal: the end of the world!"
Karkat: OF COURSE.
The faceless masses began to cheer loudly. He had them right where he wanted them.
The black skinned man basked in the applause for a minute before continuing his monologue, "Five hundred years ago, I witnessed the last known battle between the Soul Caliber and it's evil counterpart, the Soul Edge. Though previously, I had intended to end my immortal life by using the combined power of the blades to bring about the instrumentality of the planet. To link the minds of every man, woman, and child into a single being, including myself, followed by suicide at the hands of the god-man I was now one with. But during that final showdown, I saw a sign. An enormous tower rose up in front of me, and on that tower was the entire history of man, stretched out from the Neanderthal era up to the battle to which I was merely an observer. Something happened to me that day. I realized that without pain, there cannot be joy. That total instrumentality would be an empty victory and that life is but an endless spiral of experiences, helping to shape the human consciousness of which no single being could ever …" [1]
The faceless masses began to cheer loudly. He had them right where he wanted them.
The black skinned man basked in the applause for a minute before continuing his monologue, "Five hundred years ago, I witnessed the last known battle between the Soul Caliber and it's evil counterpart, the Soul Edge. Though previously, I had intended to end my immortal life by using the combined power of the blades to bring about the instrumentality of the planet. To link the minds of every man, woman, and child into a single being, including myself, followed by suicide at the hands of the god-man I was now one with. But during that final showdown, I saw a sign. An enormous tower rose up in front of me, and on that tower was the entire history of man, stretched out from the Neanderthal era up to the battle to which I was merely an observer. Something happened to me that day. I realized that without pain, there cannot be joy. That total instrumentality would be an empty victory and that life is but an endless spiral of experiences, helping to shape the human consciousness of which no single being could ever …" [1]
Jake: Oh, a footnote! Let me see here...
[1] I am quite aware that Instrumentality had nothing to do with Zasalamel's plan in Soul Caliber 3 and destroying the world is not his intention after the end Soul Caliber 4. But since I wanted to write the most confusing and pointless speech possible, I decided to totally rip-off Evangelion. If you don't think it makes any sense, then it means I have succeeded. If you think does makes sense, I suggest that you seek psychological help.
Karkat:
Pinkie: Wow! That almost sounds like something you would say, Karkat! ^0^
Dave: i know. hey, what if this was actually written by karkats future self or something?
Karkat:
Dave: uhhh dude? i was just joking. you dont have to go all comatose.
Karkat: I'M FINE! I'M FINE! I'M JUST... A LITTLE DISORIENTED.
Jake: Well of course you're disoriented, you've been reading it wrong the entire time!
Karkat: OH?
Jake: Yeah! You've been trying to read this like a serious work like "Great Expectations", when in reality this was clearly meant as a work of parody, just like the "Twilight" series.
Dave: im pretty sure those books were actually-
Jake: You just need to learn to laugh a bit, have some fun reading it instead of trying to point out all the flaws.
One particularly bored minion turned to the other. *PSST*, he whispered, "Excuse me, I'm new here. Does he always do this?"
The minion next ignored him. "Rookies." He thought, "They don't know true genius when they see it."
Zasalamel continued to babble incoherently from the front of the table "…and from day forward, I vowed to help mankind achieve its highest potential, working behind the scenes to make it so. But humanity has squandered my second chance. Therefore, we have created Ragnarock, so we could destroy humanity so it can be rebuilt!"
The crowd stared at the Grand Master, dumbstruck, with puzzled looks on their faces.
"Now came the awkward part." He cleared his throat, and asked; "So… any questions?"
All six hundred and sixty six hands in the crowd went up simultaneously.
"Questions that aren't about the robes?"
Six hundred and sixty four hands went down.
"Yes, you: in the back."
A rather tall man stood up and spoke. "Yes, I was just wondering: how does killing everybody in the world help humanity rebuild."
Dave: thats the million dollar question isnt it.
The minion next ignored him. "Rookies." He thought, "They don't know true genius when they see it."
Zasalamel continued to babble incoherently from the front of the table "…and from day forward, I vowed to help mankind achieve its highest potential, working behind the scenes to make it so. But humanity has squandered my second chance. Therefore, we have created Ragnarock, so we could destroy humanity so it can be rebuilt!"
The crowd stared at the Grand Master, dumbstruck, with puzzled looks on their faces.
"Now came the awkward part." He cleared his throat, and asked; "So… any questions?"
All six hundred and sixty six hands in the crowd went up simultaneously.
"Questions that aren't about the robes?"
Six hundred and sixty four hands went down.
"Yes, you: in the back."
A rather tall man stood up and spoke. "Yes, I was just wondering: how does killing everybody in the world help humanity rebuild."
Dave: thats the million dollar question isnt it.
Jake: See? The author is making a joke about generic jrpg villain goals! It's parody!
Karkat: IT TAKES MORE THAN A CRACK ABOUT STUPID PLANS TO MAKE IT A PARODY.
The white robed leader was caught off guard. "Umm… because… the cosmic karma is out of whack?"
The skeptic member rolled his eyes, unconvinced.
"Look: I'm thousands of years old, dammit!" Zasalamel then shot a lightning bolt out of his hand, turning the ex-minion to ashes. "I know what I'm doing!". He then breathed deeply a few times before regaining his composure. "Ok, next question: You, with the monocle."
A British gentleman uncovered his face, and stood up. "Yes, I can understand this Ragnarock thing, jolly good stuff that is, but where's this bloomin' Nightmare guy we've been waiting for?"
Dave: if you think this accent is bad just wait untill we get to light and dark the Adventures of dark yagami.
A grin spread Zasalamel's face. "I'm glad you asked that…" he said, pulling out a suitcase. "Lord Nightmare is the final ingredient to our end-of-the-world recipe: destruction and hate personified in the purest form. But as strong as he is, he is also, shall we say, a parasite. If the Soul Edge falls into the hands a pure-hearted wielder, Lord Nightmare's consciousness will be transferred into him as new host body, so he can once more hold his reign of terror upon the world!" He now unbolted the case, and threw it open.
"And now, I present to you: THE SOUL EDGE!"
But despite this grand show, inside the case was merely a pulsing, red dagger.
The crowd began to murmur to itself.
"That's it?"
"It looked bigger in the video game..."
"What does he intend to do with it, poke everyone to death?"
"OH SHUT UP!" Supreme Grand Master turned red in the face, "The blade eats souls, remember? It's stuck like this because it hasn't had a good meal in 500 years!"
A grin spread Zasalamel's face. "I'm glad you asked that…" he said, pulling out a suitcase. "Lord Nightmare is the final ingredient to our end-of-the-world recipe: destruction and hate personified in the purest form. But as strong as he is, he is also, shall we say, a parasite. If the Soul Edge falls into the hands a pure-hearted wielder, Lord Nightmare's consciousness will be transferred into him as new host body, so he can once more hold his reign of terror upon the world!" He now unbolted the case, and threw it open.
"And now, I present to you: THE SOUL EDGE!"
But despite this grand show, inside the case was merely a pulsing, red dagger.
The crowd began to murmur to itself.
"That's it?"
"It looked bigger in the video game..."
"What does he intend to do with it, poke everyone to death?"
"OH SHUT UP!" Supreme Grand Master turned red in the face, "The blade eats souls, remember? It's stuck like this because it hasn't had a good meal in 500 years!"
Jake: Actually, like the Soulcalibur the Soul Edge shape-shifts to suit the weilder's fighting style. Though it does go dormant periodicity, such as the time between Soul Claibur IV and V.
Karkat: OF COURSE YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES.
He held it up for all to see. "But it will get stronger… mark my words…" Zasalamel pushed his chair aside, and walked to the throne he was sitting next to, where a young boy was tied up with a gag placed around his mouth.
"So… Ash Ketchum…" Zasalamel chuckled as he uncovered the young trainer's mouth, "How does it feel to be chosen as the first new body for Nightmare in over 500 years?"
He held it up for all to see. "But it will get stronger… mark my words…" Zasalamel pushed his chair aside, and walked to the throne he was sitting next to, where a young boy was tied up with a gag placed around his mouth.
"So… Ash Ketchum…" Zasalamel chuckled as he uncovered the young trainer's mouth, "How does it feel to be chosen as the first new body for Nightmare in over 500 years?"
Dave: and now its a pokemon crossover. because plot i guess.
"You'll never get away with this!" Ash shouted at the top of his lunges, "My friends know I'm gone, and when they find you, you'd better be sorry!"
Zasalamel laughed at Ash's naivety. "Even if your 'friends' did pose a significant threat to us, our agents are taking great pains to alleviate this. They don't even realize you're gone yet."
"That's impossible!" said Ash, "My friends know me better than anyone else in the world! Surely by now they would have realized something was wrong!"
***
"Um… Ash? Are you feeling all right?" asked Dawn.
The large, muscular man wearing a cardboard mask of Ash Ketchum nervously laughed, "Ha ha. Nonsense, girl who's name I conveniently forgot! I am feeling fine, and I'm looking forward to another day of excitement, adventure, and…" He looked at something written on his hand, "…Da Pow-uh of Fer-end-er-ey-ship."
He then pulled out an obviously fake Pikachu doll, and pulled a string on it. "Pika, Pika." went the doll.
"Are you sure?" asked Brock, "Call me paranoid, but you just don't seem like yourself lately."
The large man shook his head, "No, all I need is a visit to the…" he looked at his hand again, "…Po-Kay-Mon Cent-ear."
Brock shrugged, "I guess it's just me, then." He thought.
Karkat: OH GOD, THIS IS A PARODY, ISN'T IT.
"You'll never get away with this!" Ash shouted at the top of his lunges, "My friends know I'm gone, and when they find you, you'd better be sorry!"
Zasalamel laughed at Ash's naivety. "Even if your 'friends' did pose a significant threat to us, our agents are taking great pains to alleviate this. They don't even realize you're gone yet."
"That's impossible!" said Ash, "My friends know me better than anyone else in the world! Surely by now they would have realized something was wrong!"
***
"Um… Ash? Are you feeling all right?" asked Dawn.
The large, muscular man wearing a cardboard mask of Ash Ketchum nervously laughed, "Ha ha. Nonsense, girl who's name I conveniently forgot! I am feeling fine, and I'm looking forward to another day of excitement, adventure, and…" He looked at something written on his hand, "…Da Pow-uh of Fer-end-er-ey-ship."
He then pulled out an obviously fake Pikachu doll, and pulled a string on it. "Pika, Pika." went the doll.
"Are you sure?" asked Brock, "Call me paranoid, but you just don't seem like yourself lately."
The large man shook his head, "No, all I need is a visit to the…" he looked at his hand again, "…Po-Kay-Mon Cent-ear."
Brock shrugged, "I guess it's just me, then." He thought.
Karkat: OH GOD, THIS IS A PARODY, ISN'T IT.
Jake: Told ya.
Karkat: AND IT'S NOT JUST A PARODY... ITS A REALLY BAD PARODY. I MEAN I *HATE* THE POKEMON SERIES, AND EVEN I KNOW THAT THE TWERPS' FRIENDS ARN'T THAT DUMB.
Jake: Well in parody faults tend to exaggerated for the sake of comedy.
Karkat: DO YOU SEE ME LAUGHING?!
***
"Your friends… are very easy to fool." Said Zasalamel. "Let me show you how:" He held up a mask that vaguely resembled Professor Oak's face. "Oh golly gee, Ash!" he said, "I'm Professor Oak!"
"Professor!" Ash squealed with glee, "Thank god you're here! Some crazy black guy tied me up and wants me to take this evil sword for him! Good thing you told me not to take evil swords from strangers!"
***
"Your friends… are very easy to fool." Said Zasalamel. "Let me show you how:" He held up a mask that vaguely resembled Professor Oak's face. "Oh golly gee, Ash!" he said, "I'm Professor Oak!"
"Professor!" Ash squealed with glee, "Thank god you're here! Some crazy black guy tied me up and wants me to take this evil sword for him! Good thing you told me not to take evil swords from strangers!"
Dave: i have to hand it to karkat; he can leave a dent in the wall like noones buisness.
Jake: I am now morbidly curious as to the substance alternian skulls are made of.
A huge drop of sweat formed on Zasalamel's forehead. He heard the kid was stupid, but this was just too easy. "Um… right." he said. "I'll get you out of here." He untied Ash's right hand. "But first, can you hold onto this magic dagger for me?"
"Okay," said Ash. Being the idiot that he was, he took the Soul Edge without question, "But I can't see why. I mean, don't you have your hands fre-"
Suddenly, Ash was engulfed in a raging cloud of evil that emanated from the blade. He screamed loudly as the wicked power of the Soul Edge began to overtake the trainer's body.
One of the cultists began to sweat. "I'm feeling a little faint. Is it hot in here, or is it just me?" He then collapsed in what appeared to be a seizure, sharing Ash's screams of unimaginable pain. I would write down his last words, except they weren't words so as much as the primal scream that every creature can recognize on it's most basic level.
A huge drop of sweat formed on Zasalamel's forehead. He heard the kid was stupid, but this was just too easy. "Um… right." he said. "I'll get you out of here." He untied Ash's right hand. "But first, can you hold onto this magic dagger for me?"
"Okay," said Ash. Being the idiot that he was, he took the Soul Edge without question, "But I can't see why. I mean, don't you have your hands fre-"
Suddenly, Ash was engulfed in a raging cloud of evil that emanated from the blade. He screamed loudly as the wicked power of the Soul Edge began to overtake the trainer's body.
One of the cultists began to sweat. "I'm feeling a little faint. Is it hot in here, or is it just me?" He then collapsed in what appeared to be a seizure, sharing Ash's screams of unimaginable pain. I would write down his last words, except they weren't words so as much as the primal scream that every creature can recognize on it's most basic level.
Dave: but it was still reading.
Karkat: HA HA THIRTY HS JOKE, YOU'RE SO CLEVER.
The audience stood in horror as the wispy figure of the man's soul was pulled out of his body, and drained into the Soul Edge.
The six-hundred and sixty four knights turned to Zasalamel, expecting an answer.
"Oh yes…" he grinned, "I forgot to tell you. Since it has been out of use for so long, the Soul Edge requires a great number of fresh souls to restore its full power. I'm afraid that this is where we part ways…"
As the knights fell, one by one, a lone cloak gasped with his dying breath "W-why? I thought w-we were…"
"Please." Said Zasalamel, "Sid you really think I would be stupid enough to let you fools be servants in my new world order? That you'd just sit around, going to pointless meetings while I do all the real work? The TRUE Azure Knights are off setting my plan into motion as we speak..." He paused for a moment, realizing he forgot something. "Oh yes, and they really do wear blue. So don't waste your breath asking."
The audience stood in horror as the wispy figure of the man's soul was pulled out of his body, and drained into the Soul Edge.
The six-hundred and sixty four knights turned to Zasalamel, expecting an answer.
"Oh yes…" he grinned, "I forgot to tell you. Since it has been out of use for so long, the Soul Edge requires a great number of fresh souls to restore its full power. I'm afraid that this is where we part ways…"
As the knights fell, one by one, a lone cloak gasped with his dying breath "W-why? I thought w-we were…"
"Please." Said Zasalamel, "Sid you really think I would be stupid enough to let you fools be servants in my new world order? That you'd just sit around, going to pointless meetings while I do all the real work? The TRUE Azure Knights are off setting my plan into motion as we speak..." He paused for a moment, realizing he forgot something. "Oh yes, and they really do wear blue. So don't waste your breath asking."
Dave: in short you all got punk'd.
Jake: Dave, that reference is about a jillion years behind the times.
Dave: Actually according to wikipedia its still on the air.
Karkat: THERE IS TRUELY NO JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD.
The remainder of the "knights" were now dropping off like flies under the Soul Edge's demonic energy. Those who tried to escape were only met with disappointment when they discovered that the doors had been sealed.
After the storm had passed, all that remained of the false order was a single man. The man crawled up to Zasalamel's legs, and grabbed him by the ankles. "s-so you mean… " the disillusioned cloak moaned, "…the reason …we all wore red cloaks instead of blue, is b-because w-we're all re… red…"
"Redshirts." Zasalamel smirked, "Exactly."
Karkat: PALM, MEET FACE.
The man wore a look of pure anguish and hopelessness on his face before finally dying.
"Foolish mortals…" Zasalamel thought to himself. Then he turned to Ash's body. "Lord Nightmare." he said, "Was your resurrection… pleasant?"
"Yesss…" said Nightmare, for the first time in over 500 years.
Keitaro continued to gawk at the glowing symbol in the sky, unable to say anything.
He turned to Hiruka-san, then to Naru, and then back to Hiruka-san.
"Nice job breaking it, hero…" he muttered to himself before collapsing onto his knees…
Karkat: I SEE SOMEONE'S DISCOVERED THE TV TROPES WIKI.
Next Episode Preview:
{Show picture of Keitaro + Co. in suits.}
ETNA: The Hintatsou Yukaza is picking on poor defenseless demons!
KEITARO: What? Since when did we have an episode preview? And since when were we Yukaza?
{Show Keitaro + Co. surrounding Charade, dressed in a schoolgirl uniform}
ETNA: They decide to pick on poor little Charade, carrying important medicine for his grandma!
KITSUNE: That is so not what happened.
{Show a picture of Etna dressed in a gothic magical girl uniform.}
ETNA: Who can save the day? Why, Etna, of course!
LAHARL: Sheesh, do you ALWAYS have to be the center of attention?
{Show picture of Etna flashing the "V for Victory" sign.}
ETNA: Next time, on Pretty Magic Princess Lovely Etna!
Karkat: THAT WAS DISTRUBING.
The man wore a look of pure anguish and hopelessness on his face before finally dying.
"Foolish mortals…" Zasalamel thought to himself. Then he turned to Ash's body. "Lord Nightmare." he said, "Was your resurrection… pleasant?"
"Yesss…" said Nightmare, for the first time in over 500 years.
-----------------
Keitaro continued to gawk at the glowing symbol in the sky, unable to say anything.
He turned to Hiruka-san, then to Naru, and then back to Hiruka-san.
"Nice job breaking it, hero…" he muttered to himself before collapsing onto his knees…
Karkat: I SEE SOMEONE'S DISCOVERED THE TV TROPES WIKI.
-------------
Dave: and now to beat in the fact that the author really likes disgaea heres an "episode preview" ripped of of the first game.
Next Episode Preview:
{Show picture of Keitaro + Co. in suits.}
ETNA: The Hintatsou Yukaza is picking on poor defenseless demons!
KEITARO: What? Since when did we have an episode preview? And since when were we Yukaza?
{Show Keitaro + Co. surrounding Charade, dressed in a schoolgirl uniform}
ETNA: They decide to pick on poor little Charade, carrying important medicine for his grandma!
KITSUNE: That is so not what happened.
{Show a picture of Etna dressed in a gothic magical girl uniform.}
ETNA: Who can save the day? Why, Etna, of course!
LAHARL: Sheesh, do you ALWAYS have to be the center of attention?
{Show picture of Etna flashing the "V for Victory" sign.}
ETNA: Next time, on Pretty Magic Princess Lovely Etna!
Karkat: THAT WAS DISTRUBING.
Jake: I admit that Etna is far from my favorite character in the series.
Dave: and theres still two more chapters??
Karkat: YEP.
A few notes on Ragnarock:
Despite popular belief, Ragnarock is not a Scandinavian invention. Rather, it was a catch-all phase invented for the end of the world by the celestial counsel because they thought it sounded cooler than "Armageddon". The Norsemen got a hold of the phrase back when gods, such as Odin or Zeus, directly interacted with human society on a daily basis. Apparently, Thor got drunk in a tavern one night, and said a bit too much about the ultimate fate of mankind.
Dave: and theres still two more chapters??
Karkat: YEP.
A few notes on Ragnarock:
Despite popular belief, Ragnarock is not a Scandinavian invention. Rather, it was a catch-all phase invented for the end of the world by the celestial counsel because they thought it sounded cooler than "Armageddon". The Norsemen got a hold of the phrase back when gods, such as Odin or Zeus, directly interacted with human society on a daily basis. Apparently, Thor got drunk in a tavern one night, and said a bit too much about the ultimate fate of mankind.
Dave: wait. odin and zeus exist but ragnarok isnt norse? im probably wrong about this but im pretty sure that ragnarok is literally viking speak for "rocks fall everyone dies".
Karkat: JUST WAIT, IT GETS DUMBER.
Luckily, since the Vikings were all drunk as well, they merely passed along a muddled version of the story to their peers. And through a system similar to the "telephone game", they ended up with a completely different end-of-the-world theory.
Jake: So that whole thing in norse mythology about the gods dying, the world being engulfed in war, and the world being repopulated by two survivors is...
Karkat: COMPLETE BULLSHIT. BUT APPARENTLY THEY STILL GOT THE NAME RIGHT. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT, SMART GUY?
Jake: Well im torn really. On one hand i was really looking forward to seeing an accurate depicting of norse ragnarok. On the other hand, i applaud the author's willingness to play with audience expectations. But on a third hand-
Karkat: RIGHT, STUPID QUESTION. MOVING ON.
But they were right about Ragnarock being the end of the world, at least.
Anyway, Ragnarock occurs like this:
First, giant Noise symbols appear over population centers, and all pre-existing Noise become visible to humans. However, the noise does not attack anyone: They are still completely harmless outside the UG. Instead they continue to mill around and feed on negative emotions.
Anyway, Ragnarock occurs like this:
First, giant Noise symbols appear over population centers, and all pre-existing Noise become visible to humans. However, the noise does not attack anyone: They are still completely harmless outside the UG. Instead they continue to mill around and feed on negative emotions.
Dave: this of course is all completely meaningless to anyone who hasn't played the world ends with you, and this story isnt even listed as a twewy crossover on fanfiction.net. so to most people this paragraph looks like complete gibberish.
Then, shortly afterwards, major catastrophes occur simultaneously and continuously all over the world. These disasters range from your standard biblical plague of frogs and locusts, to more exotic curses: such as people randomly turning into demons, portals to other dimensions opening up, Noise materializing in the RG, ect.
Then, shortly afterwards, major catastrophes occur simultaneously and continuously all over the world. These disasters range from your standard biblical plague of frogs and locusts, to more exotic curses: such as people randomly turning into demons, portals to other dimensions opening up, Noise materializing in the RG, ect.
Dave: Forty years of darkness. Earthquakes. volcanoes.
Jake: The dead rising from the grave!
Pinkie Pie: Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats, living together! Mass hysteria! )0(
Karkat: ...PLEASE STOP QUOTING MOVIES I'VE NEVER SEEN.
Luckily, Even if I fail my mission there is a way to stop a Ragnarock in progress. But that's a story for another time.
-Hiruka-san, Conductor of Hinatasou
"WAY TO GO, GEINUS." Said Charade in a mocking tone. "I MEAN, EVEN AN IDIOT WOULD HAVE PULLED THE SWORD OUT SO HE COULD SAVE THE GIRL. BUT STARTING THE END OF THE WORLD BY ACCIDENT? THAT'S JUST DUMB."
Luckily, Even if I fail my mission there is a way to stop a Ragnarock in progress. But that's a story for another time.
-Hiruka-san, Conductor of Hinatasou
-----------------
Caliborn: YEAH, DOOMING THE WORLD BY ACCIDENT IS ROUGH, ISN'T IT, KARAT??????????
Karkat: DAMN IT, CAL! WE HAVE A NO HOMESTUCK SPOILER POLICY!
Urashima Keitaro, the clueless manager who now wielded the Soul Calibur, curled up into a fetal position. He stared at the sky, blankly, trying to comprehend the disaster he had just caused.
"WELL, SEEING AS THE WORLD IS COMING TO AN END NOW, I MIGHT AS WELL SPARE YOU ALL THE TROUBLE OF COMMITING SUICIDE." The monster then held Naru up with both hands and began to crush. Naru gasped for air as the eyeball monster continued to tighten his grip. "DON'T WORRY…" he said, "…IT'S ONLY GOING TO HURT… A LOT! MWA HA HA HA HA I LOVE MY JOB."
Karkat: DAMN IT, CAL! WE HAVE A NO HOMESTUCK SPOILER POLICY!
Urashima Keitaro, the clueless manager who now wielded the Soul Calibur, curled up into a fetal position. He stared at the sky, blankly, trying to comprehend the disaster he had just caused.
"WELL, SEEING AS THE WORLD IS COMING TO AN END NOW, I MIGHT AS WELL SPARE YOU ALL THE TROUBLE OF COMMITING SUICIDE." The monster then held Naru up with both hands and began to crush. Naru gasped for air as the eyeball monster continued to tighten his grip. "DON'T WORRY…" he said, "…IT'S ONLY GOING TO HURT… A LOT! MWA HA HA HA HA I LOVE MY JOB."
Karkat: THAT MAKES ONE OF US.
But before he could destroy the hot-headed girl once and for all, he heard the sound of metal scraping behind him. He looked behind him, and saw Mokoto pulling out her sword.
"I'm giving you one last chance…" said the samurai-girl, "You've come for what you wanted, so leave. Now."
Charade laughed, "PLEASE. YOU MORTALS ARE ALL GOING TO DIE EVENTUALLY. WHAT'S ONE CENTURY, MORE OR LESS?"
"I'm giving you three seconds…" the other girls started to back away from Mokoto, "One… Two…"
"OOH, I'M SO SCARED!" the demon said sarcastically, "TEH BIG SCAWRY SAMURAI GIRL WANTS TO HIT ME WITH A TOOTHPICK! I'M JUST SHAKING IN MY WIDDLE BOOTIES!"
"…three!"
Mokoto lunged forward, her blade raised high in the air, ready to strike. But Charade was to quick for that. He let go of Naru with one of his hands, and unceremoniously shot several large, skeletal spears out of his hand.
But before he could destroy the hot-headed girl once and for all, he heard the sound of metal scraping behind him. He looked behind him, and saw Mokoto pulling out her sword.
"I'm giving you one last chance…" said the samurai-girl, "You've come for what you wanted, so leave. Now."
Charade laughed, "PLEASE. YOU MORTALS ARE ALL GOING TO DIE EVENTUALLY. WHAT'S ONE CENTURY, MORE OR LESS?"
"I'm giving you three seconds…" the other girls started to back away from Mokoto, "One… Two…"
"OOH, I'M SO SCARED!" the demon said sarcastically, "TEH BIG SCAWRY SAMURAI GIRL WANTS TO HIT ME WITH A TOOTHPICK! I'M JUST SHAKING IN MY WIDDLE BOOTIES!"
"…three!"
Mokoto lunged forward, her blade raised high in the air, ready to strike. But Charade was to quick for that. He let go of Naru with one of his hands, and unceremoniously shot several large, skeletal spears out of his hand.
Karkat: ...DID CHARADE *EVER* HAVE THAT POWER IN CANON?
Dave: no but this is cooler.
The swordswoman stopped dead in her tracks. She tried to jump out of the way, and though she escaped the path of most of the missiles, she was struck by one of them in the shoulder. The impact of the blow knocked her to the floor, where she struggled to stand as Charade prepared another round.
"PATHETIC." Charade's singular eyeball rolled at the fallen samurai, "YOU FLESHBAGS GO DOWN WAY TOO EASILY."
The swordswoman stopped dead in her tracks. She tried to jump out of the way, and though she escaped the path of most of the missiles, she was struck by one of them in the shoulder. The impact of the blow knocked her to the floor, where she struggled to stand as Charade prepared another round.
"PATHETIC." Charade's singular eyeball rolled at the fallen samurai, "YOU FLESHBAGS GO DOWN WAY TOO EASILY."
Karkat: I WOULD POINT OUT THAT MOTOKO IS NOT LITERALLY A SAMURAI IN EITHER CANON.
Jake: True, but her visual aesthetic and personality is meant to evoke the bushido-bound warrior. For instance, the archetypal samurai always seeks vengence for the slightest disonor, even at the cost of their own life (such as in the tale of the forty-seven ronin, who graciously took their own live via ritual suicide after avenging their fallen master). Mokoto reflects this in her temper; while normally calm and collected, even the slightest misstep on keitaro's part sends her into a rage that usually ends with physical violence, whereupon she returns to a collected state. While i agree that literally calling her a samurai is a misnomer, it does act as a descriptive shorthand for people both familiar and unfamiliar with the series.
Caliborn: GO EYEBALL GuY! HA HA HA HA HA! HES MY FAVORITE CHARACTER.
He pointed his hand at Mokoto, and fired.
As she lied there helpless, time slowed to a crawl for Mokoto. As the spikes approached ever closer, she took a moment to contemplate her life. She thought about her older sister, her single minded devotion to the sword, and her duty to her friends. "Is this my fate?" she thought, "To die at the hands of a demon? I'm supposed to kill demons, damnit! What sort of warrior am I, if I can't even protect the ones I love the most?"
He pointed his hand at Mokoto, and fired.
As she lied there helpless, time slowed to a crawl for Mokoto. As the spikes approached ever closer, she took a moment to contemplate her life. She thought about her older sister, her single minded devotion to the sword, and her duty to her friends. "Is this my fate?" she thought, "To die at the hands of a demon? I'm supposed to kill demons, damnit! What sort of warrior am I, if I can't even protect the ones I love the most?"
Pinkie: Did I leave the refrigerator running? Am I wearing clean underwear? Did I remember to leave Shinobu my collection of paper fans? Oh the agony! v0v
She let out a sigh. As much as Mokoto hoped that an inner reflection of her life would give her an boost of inner strength, she knew it wasn't likely. After all, life wasn't like a Manga.
She let out a sigh. As much as Mokoto hoped that an inner reflection of her life would give her an boost of inner strength, she knew it wasn't likely. After all, life wasn't like a Manga.
Karkat: *RIMSHOT*
She was too injured to stand, and the spikes were too close to her to dodge anyway. She just hoped that her death would be quick and painless.
Giving in to her destiny, Mokoto closed her eyes, bracing herself for what was about to come…
…except it didn't.
The confused samurai opened her eyes, and found that Charade's projectiles were suspended in mid-air, no closer to her than they were a moment ago. Looking around, she saw that everyone else was also frozen in place: Naru was wailing in Charade's arm as Keitaro was whimpering on the floor, and Suu was blasting the monster with a pulse rifle while Shinobu was hiding behind a pile of debris. Finally, she spotted Kitsunie pulling Mutsumi, who was in the middle of another fainting spell, to safety.
Experimentally, Mokoto reached out and touched one of the spikes. It didn't budge. Apparently, time really had stopped "This is… odd…" was all she could think of saying. "…I feel like someone ripped this idea off a half-decent television show."
Giving in to her destiny, Mokoto closed her eyes, bracing herself for what was about to come…
…except it didn't.
The confused samurai opened her eyes, and found that Charade's projectiles were suspended in mid-air, no closer to her than they were a moment ago. Looking around, she saw that everyone else was also frozen in place: Naru was wailing in Charade's arm as Keitaro was whimpering on the floor, and Suu was blasting the monster with a pulse rifle while Shinobu was hiding behind a pile of debris. Finally, she spotted Kitsunie pulling Mutsumi, who was in the middle of another fainting spell, to safety.
Experimentally, Mokoto reached out and touched one of the spikes. It didn't budge. Apparently, time really had stopped "This is… odd…" was all she could think of saying. "…I feel like someone ripped this idea off a half-decent television show."
Karkat: WE JUST SAW A GUY FROM "HEROES" IN THE LAST CHAPTER. HOW CAN MOTOKO BE COMPLAINING ABOUT HER POWER BEING RIPPED OFF "HEROES" IF WE'VE ESTABLISHED THAT HEROES TAKES PLACE IN THE SAME UNIVERSE AS THIS?
Dave: because plot thats why.
She slowly herself back onto her feet with her sword, and slowly pulled out the spike that was still imbedded in her shoulder. "…better make the best of it…" she thought.
Right after Charade fired what he thought would be his finishing blow, he noticed that the helpless swordswoman he was about to kill had vanished into thin air. Looking behind him, the monster then saw Mokoto sheathing her blade, standing behind him with a smug look on her face.
It didn't take long to put two and two together.
"CRAP." He said.
An instant later, Charade felt a sharp pain in his left arm. He watched in horror as now-severed arm fell to the floor, releasing Naru from his grip. [1]
Charade did his best to frown at Mokoto with his singular eyeball. "DUDE!" he said, "YOU… YOU CUT OFF MY ARM! I ONLY HAVE TWO OF THOSE, DAMMIT!"
She slowly herself back onto her feet with her sword, and slowly pulled out the spike that was still imbedded in her shoulder. "…better make the best of it…" she thought.
Right after Charade fired what he thought would be his finishing blow, he noticed that the helpless swordswoman he was about to kill had vanished into thin air. Looking behind him, the monster then saw Mokoto sheathing her blade, standing behind him with a smug look on her face.
It didn't take long to put two and two together.
"CRAP." He said.
An instant later, Charade felt a sharp pain in his left arm. He watched in horror as now-severed arm fell to the floor, releasing Naru from his grip. [1]
Charade did his best to frown at Mokoto with his singular eyeball. "DUDE!" he said, "YOU… YOU CUT OFF MY ARM! I ONLY HAVE TWO OF THOSE, DAMMIT!"
Dave: another canon violation. while it doesnt happen during gameplay cutscenes show charades limbs as being detachable.
Jake: I'm pretty mokoto's blade is magic, so it might have demon slaying properties.
Dave: good enough explanation as any.
Everyone looked at Mokoto. She now trying to balancer herself in a fighter's stance, made one final warning to her peers: "Everyone…" she said, "Get to safety… I don't know how much longer I can…" she then collapsed from her massive blood loss.
Everyone looked at Mokoto. She now trying to balancer herself in a fighter's stance, made one final warning to her peers: "Everyone…" she said, "Get to safety… I don't know how much longer I can…" she then collapsed from her massive blood loss.
Karkat: OUR MIGHTY WARRIOR GIRL, EVERYONE; KICKS AN UNARMED GUY AROUND THE HOUSE ALL DAY WITHOUT SERIOUSLY HURTING HIM YET CANT TAKE A FEW STABS.
Jake: Give her a break, vantas; she did manage to "disarm" him (pun completely intended). Charade is simply far stronger than what she's used to fighting.
Large beads of sweat formed on the back of everyone's heads.
"WELL, FOR SUCH A DRAWN-OUT SCENE, THAT WAS RATHER ANTI-CLIMACTIC."
Karkat: STOP AGREEING WITH ME DAMN IT.
Charade opened and closed his good hand a few times, to make sure it still worked. "NOW THAT I'VE SUBDUED YOUR MOST POWERFUL WARRIOR, I WANT YOU ALL TO BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP ME SO YOU CAN HAVE A FALSE HOPE OF SURVIVAL BEFORE YOU DIE."
Caliborn: GREAT LINE! I HAVE TO WRITE THAT ONE DOWN.
He then grabbed Shinobu from her hiding place, and pulled her up in the air. "YOU FIRST."
"Waaaaa! Spare me, Mr. Eyeball-san!" Shinobu screamed,
"HO HO! I HAVEN'T SEEN A MORTAL PANIC THAT MUCH IN OVER A HUNDRED YEARS. THIS IS GOING TO BE GOOD…"
Kolla Suu put down her plasma cannon, "Damn." She said, "This guy is REALLY tough! This is the perfect time for a flashback that reveals some sort of Deus Ex Machina!"
"Suu… Before you leave for Japan, I want you to hold on to this."
Karkat: ...
"But why? It's just a stupid piece of wood!"
"This isn't an ordinary piece of wood: It's a magic staff that has been passed down by our family for centuries."
"Oh?"
"Yes, you have quite the potential for magic. I'm disappointed to see you waste it on technology and robots. But after you fixed the refrigerator last week, I'm not one to complain."
Karkat: HYPOCRISY AT ITS FINEST.
"Right… So what's it do?"
"Well, if you or someone you really care about is in great danger, hold this above your head, and shout to the heavens: 'I summon the power of Momol!'."
"Oh, I see! And then you and sis will be there to help me in spirit, right?"
"Um… right! Let's go with that!"
"Aww, thanks big brother! You always know where to find the best corny and yet somewhat mysterious presents! I love you!"
"And I love you too, Suu…"
Suu pulled the "Staff" her brother gave her out of her back pocket, and shrugged. "I guess it's as good a chance as any." she said.
The blond-haired gadgeteer, spread her legs apart, threw her arm up into the air and shouted, "I SUMMON THE POWER OF MOMOL!"
Suddenly, (and rather predictably, I'm afraid) Suu was enveloped in a three-minute long transformation sequence, took a team of animators three weeks to produce, and laden with enough flashing lights and fanservice to give any overprotective soccer-mom a stroke and a seizure at the same time.
Dave: beacuse as we all know people suffering is the funniest thing on earth.
Caliborn: TRuE DAT, HOME DAWG.
Dave: dont talk to me.
Charade turned from Shinobu to see the sequence in action. "OH NO." he said in a monotone, pre-rehearsed voice, "I'M SO MEZMERIZED BY THE FLASHING LIGHTS AND PRITTY COLORS THAT I'M TOO DISTRACTED TO GO AHEAD AND FINISH THIS HELPLESS GIRL OFF."
Two extremely colorful minutes later, Suu's transformation sequence had finally ended. She was mildly surprised to find that her "Transformed" costume was exactly like her school uniform, except red and embodied with exotic patterns and lots of gold sequins. She was now also wearing a tiara, and the stick she was holding a moment ago had become some sort of greenish magic wand with a little figure of a turtle on one end.
Suu held out a mirror. "Wow, this is really tacky." He threw the mirror behind her back, and made some sort of baseball pitcher's pose, "Oh well! Here I go!" The new magical girl then pointed her wand at Charade and shouted, "SPARKLE TURTLE AIR STRIKE!"
The sky suddenly became dark.
Everyone looked up in horror to see that the glowing red symbol that appeared a moment ago was now obscured by a sky full of flying mecha-tama-chans.
Charade froze in terror, dropping Shinobu onto a pile of junk from the basement above.
"Oh. God. No." groaned Kitsune.
"I guess I don't know my own strength!" Suu nervously laughed.
"At least it's a cute way to die…" said Mutsumi.
Then, as expected, the countless turtles simultaneously went into a nose dive. As everyone ran around, scrambling for cover, Shinobu sat in the center of it all, frozen in wide-eyed terror.
"Ohgodohgod…" thought Shinobu, "…Theworldsgoingtoendandwe'reallgoingtodie!" her mind reeled uncontrollably. The blue haired teen took a deep breath in an unsuccessful attempt to calm herself. Then she grasped the nearest thing she could find, a plastic toy wand, for security. "There are so many things I wanted to do with my life… so many places I wanted to see… and I never told Keitaro that I… I…", She pulled the wand close to her, and screamed,
"I DON'T WANNA DIE!"
Pinkie Pie: Sometimes I wish I never been born at allllll! Carry ooooon, cary oooon, it doesn't really matter... v0v
----------------------------
Joshua flinched. He had just felt the fabric of the entire universe had suddenly unraveling and putting itself back together in a way SLIGHTLY different from before. He quickly looked around the café to see if anything was different, and breathed a sigh of relief when he found everything to be the same as he remembered.
Caliborn: "AS IF A SWITCH HAD BEEN TuRNED, AS IF AN EYE HAD BEEN BLINKED, AS IF SOME PHANTOM FORCE IN THE uNIVERSE HAD MADE A MOVE EONS BEYOND OuR-"
Dave: sorry dude, you already used your bad movie quote for the day.
Caliborn: DAMN IT.
"Um… Joshua?" asked Neku, "Are you feeling ok?"
The blond-haired teen hid his panic by taking a sip from his decaf mocha. "Nothing." Said Joshua. "So… as I was saying…"
Suddenly, Beat suddenly slammed through the door on his skateboard holding a bowl of Ramen in his hand, with Rhyme clutching on his leg for dear life. He then did a quick Ollie followed by a kickflip, whereupon he leapt off the board and screeched to a halt on the floor.
"Sorry for the holdup, 'Phones!" he said, "Me and Rhyme just stopped for somethin' to eat along the way. Ain't that right, sis?"
Rhyme's heart pounded rapidly as she unglued herself from Beat's leg. "Never. Do that. Again." she panted.
Neku glared at the slack-off skate-punk, "Couldn't you have just gotten something here like the rest of us? I mean, they DO sell food here…"
Beat had a surprised look on his face as he stared at the muffins, sandwiches, and other food on display. "Aww shoot! Why didn't I think of that!?" after a few seconds of mental scolding, he regained his composure, and glanced at Joshua. "So what's the deal, yo?"
Dave: ...one thing i will say is in spite of butching zalshamals personality and repeating pi faces lines and leaving a big plot hole at the beginning of the story i have to say most of the twewy cast is pretty much spot on.
Karkat: YEAH, IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY HARD TO RIFF ON THIS PART. IT'S NOT GREAT OR ANYTHING, BUT THE TONE FITS THE SOURCE MATERIAL. A BIT OF POLISH AND THIS COULD BE A GOOD STORY ON ITS OWN.
Joshua shook his head and sighed. "Well, as I was telling Neku here…"
The door slammed open again, and a person they'd never seen before stood in the doorway. She was quite attractive really, with a thin waist and wide hips, though everyone was paying more attention to her black logo'd t-shirt (a 777 t-shirt, no less), black jeans stitched with a gothic skull pattern, purple-dyed hair, red eye-contacts, and the disgusted scowl on her face.
Thinking quickly, Neku and Rhyme instantly leaped into a defensive position, while beat leaped back and made whooping noises as he stood in some silly kung-fu pose he saw in a movie once.
Joshua just sat there, eyeing their new visitor. "Can I… help you?" he said, with a smirk on his face.
"I think you know what I want." said the girl in a familiar voice. To Neku and Beat's surprise, the girl then pulled out a distinct looking plush cat/pig doll threw it to the ground, whereupon it came to life and attacked the blond. Three seconds later, Joshua was pinned to the floor by Mr. Mew.
"…and it's a pleasure to see you too, Shiki." He smiled.
The other three ex-players took a moment to wrap their heads around this. "Wait…" said Neku, stunned as ever, "YOU'RE Shiki?"
"Dude…" said Beat, "I know Phones said you'd look different, but…"
"This is just a disguise, morons!" Shiki exclaimed. She then grabbed Joshua by the shoulders and lifted him up, "Apparently SOMEONE forgot to give me my old body back. ISN'T THAT RIGHT?!" The faux-Goth snarled at Joshua.
Jake: Yeah, i see what you mean by 'polish'. this is an interesting concept, the idea that things weren't quite set back to normal after neku won the reapers game, but the dialogue is a bit stilted.
"Oh yes." said Joshua, unflappable as ever, "I knew I forgot something."
"Well?" said Shiki, "Aren't you going to DO SOMETHING about it?!"
Joshua sighed, "Well, I would if I could, but when I went to go get it, I found that someone had apparently stolen it…"
"How do I know you're telling the truth?"
Joshua smiled, "Well, A: I brought you back to life, which means I like you guys, B: I know you'd come and help me willingly, so I'd have nothing to gain by holding your body ransom, and C: If I wanted to stare at a pritty girl all day I would have kidnapped an idol singer by now."
Shiki breathed deeply for a moment, before calming down enough to let go of the threatened teen. "Sorry about that…" she breathed, "I just feel kinda cheated. I mean, I'm gone for who-knows-how-long and when I finally get back-"
"Say no more." Joshua sighed, "You can't talk to your best friend, your family doesn't even recognize you, etc etc. But don't sweat it." Shiki's expression turned sour again, "I have the best men in the afterlife working on it."
Sherlock Holmes, world-famous English detective, peered his magnifying glass at cryogenic freezing tank #2445.
"Did you find anything yet?" asked Watson, his ever faithful lackey.
Jake: *facepalm* Oh bloody fucking hell!
Karkat: WAIT, THERES SOMETHING HERE YOU DON'T LIKE?
Jake: Yes. Well, sort of. While i admit i haven't seen a movie i didn't like, it's a bit of a pet peeve of mine to see holmes and watson butchered into "smart guy" and "hapless sidekick". Never mind that holmes had a drug problem and watson was not only doctor himself, but also a war veteran. The way most people think of watson (at least up untill guy ritchie's excellent movies) had more in common with sancho panza than anything else. Mind you i still think the story is superb despite this slip up, this is just irks me, is all.
"Just the usual array of clues, Watson." Holmes beamed, "Judging by spacing of footprints at the scene of the crime, this person must have been very tall. In addition, a sweeping pattern of dust indicates that he was wearing a robe, and further evidence of this is found in white threads on the ground. In addition, he was carrying a large implement, quite possibly a battle-ready scythe, and may have had dark skin, as his pattern of movement suggests that that he is of ancient Babylonian decent. In addition, he walks with the physical stature of a young man, but at the same time seems to have the world weariness of an extremely old one. Also, he seems to have written down the words 'My name is Zasalamel, you dope!' written in spray paint in front of the cryogenic chamber, which may be an alias or a codename."
Karkat: GEE I WONDER WHO THE CULPRIT IS.
Watson pretended to understand all that the famous sleuth was telling him. "And… er… what does this all mean?" he asked.
"It's elementary, my dear Watson: The culprit must be dealing with a seven-foot-tall immortal black man in a white robe carrying a scythe who goes by the name of Zasalamel!" He then quickly sketched a picture-perfect rendition of their alleged body-snatcher.
Watson took a good look at the sketch. "That sounds a bit…far-fetched to me." He said.
"You're right." Holmes agreed, crumpling the drawing into a ball, "It's just all too silly. Battle Scythes! What was I thinking? This is obviously the work of my nemesis, Professor Moriarty!"
Jake: *facepalm* Well at least this is supposed to be played for comedy...
Watson adjusted his monocle. "But Holmes, hasn't Moriatry has been dead for nearly a hundred something years?" he asked.
"Precisely! That's why it's so clever!" Holmes concluded.
Jake: *facepalm*
"Good show, old boy!" Watson applauded.
-----------------------------
"You don't need to worry about a thing." Joshua added.
Rhyme got up, and decided to change the subject. "So what's with the makeover?" she asked,
"Yeah," Beat concurred, "I thought that whole 'emo' thing was Phones' shtick."
"Watch it…" Neku remarked.
"Think about it!" Shiki growled, "Look, my parents are confused as it is. And how do you think Eri would feel if I showed up at school looking exactly like her?"
Pinkie: You could claim to be her long-lost identical twin! ^_^
Karkat: A LONG LOST TWIN WHO, BY COINCIDENCE, HAPPENS TO HAVE THE EXACT SAME TASTE IN FASHION. NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT HER PARENTS COULD EASILY CALL HER OUT ON IT.
Dave: yeah. thats a plan that only works in bad gender-bender manga.
Beat thought about this for a second. "Ah, dat's a good point."
Joshua brushed off his shirt and shrugged, "Well, bad as your problem is, I'm afraid we have more important things to deal with."
"Like what?" Shiki pouted.
Joshua pointed outside. They all crowded around the café's window to see an unfortunate "Mick" Makoto (not to be confused with Mokoto, the sword wielding samurai girl of Hinatasou) being chased by a giant red frog.
"WHY DOES THIS STUFF ALWAYS HAPPEN TO MEEEEEEEEEEEE?!?!?!" he screamed as he sprinted down Cat Street.
"What the hell?!" shouted Neku.
"Woah…" said Rhyme.
"We gotta do somethin', yo!" said Beat. But as he rushed out the door, he suddenly felt Joshua's hand grasping is collar.
"Relax." Said Joshua, "He's not going to learn anything if someone's always saving his butt. All he needs to do to fight the noise is make a pact with someone." Beat slowed down as Joshua's grip lessened. "His survival instincts ought to be kicking in any second now."
The four stared at Makoto as the red frog noise tackled him, and was now trying to chew off one of his legs. A large crowd had now gathered to witness the bizarre massacre.
Neku wasn't convinced that millions of years of evolution would kick in anytime soon. "Is it possible to… speed up the process somewhat."
Joshua frowned. "Funny, I was about to say the same thing."
Shiki ran over to the crowd and tapped the shoulder of a random kid in the crowd. "Hey, kid!" she shouted.
The kid turned around, looked at Shiki and said, "Woah! A real-live vampire!"
Shiki turned red in the face. "I am NOT a-"
Then Neku approached the kid. "Look, kid. I need to do you a favor for me…"
"Hey! I know you!" the kid smiled as he spoke, "You're that guy I totally trashed during the slam-off last month!" The memories suddenly came rushing back to Neku.
From what he could recall, he knew the kid was called "Shooter", and is completely obsessed with the game "Tin Pin Slammer". Neku remembered losing to the kid back in week 2 of the Reaper's game, though the kid later came looking for a rematch. Word on the street was that he considered Neku to be his "Rival", despite Neku's lack of interest in the game.
Dave: funny how the author recaps details like this, but nothing about why Shiki's body would be missing.
Neku continued to frown, "Yeah, great. Whatever. Anyway, I want you to make a pact with-"
The Tin Pin aficionado pulled out his launcher. "Dude! We should totally have a rematch!"
Neku groaned. "Look, we don't have time for this: You see that guy over there?" he pointed at Makoto, currently rolling around on the ground while holding the struggling frog at arm's length.
"Yeah, so?"
"Well, I want you to go up and make a 'pact' with him."
Shooter blinked. "You want me do make a what?"
The orange-haired teen put his hands to his face, "You know… a 'pact'. A pact is a… um…" he scratched his head, trying to come up with the right words.
Then Joshua cut him off. "Remember episode 47 of Slammurai, where Red and Black both swore to protect each other so they take down the Tin Pin Tyrant?"
The kid's face lit up. "Totally! That's, like, my favorite episode!"
Joshua smiled, "Well, a 'pact' is kind of like that." He winked at Neku, "A 'pact' is when you agree to protect each other in a time of great need, allowing you to tap into your inner reserves of strength though the power of friendship."
"The power of friendship?" thought Neku, "What sort of Idiot would swallow such a load of-"
"Wow! You're right!" Shooter slapped his hand to his face, "Why didn't I think of that!" he then dashed off to try and save Makoto.
Neku, Shiki, Beat and Rhyme all stared at Joshua. "What?" he said, "It pays to know how to work people..."
Caliborn: I TOTALLY AGREE. NOW BOW BEFORE ME YOu PATHETIC PILE OF DuNG!
Dave: no.
Caliborn: CuRSE YOU STRIDERRRRRRRRRRRR!
Meanwhile, Shooter had just sprinted to the battle ground, where the red frog that was attacking Makoto had just been joined by a kangaroo and a giant crab. "Dude! Make a pact with me if you want to live!"
"W… what?" Makoto lifted his head as he was slowly being crushed weight of the supernatural critters. "Kid! Get away from here now, before they come for you too!"
Shooter ignored Mick's command and held out his arm. "Just trust me on this!"
He sighed, "Oh hell, why not..." he somehow pulled his arm out of the tangled jumble of Noise, and accepted Shooter's offer…
Karkat: AGAIN, INTERESTING IDEA, MEDIOCRE EXECUTION. MAYBE THIS STORY WOULD BE WORTH READING IF IT FOCUSED ON THESE GUYS INSTEAD.
Jake: I dunno, i like it.
Dave: jake. you liked "glen or glenda". your opinion is invalid.
Jake: Is it my fault that i find a movie about a closet transvestite listening to a story about a psudohermaphrodite so engrossing?
Karkat: YES. YES IT IS.
NEXT EPISODE PREVIEW
{Show picture of Minamimoto and Laharl staring each other down}
LAHARL: Etna gets to do this all the time. So today, I, the great Laharl, Prince of the Netherworld, will now steal her spotlight!
SHO: No zeta way! I didn't even get a single line in this chapter, so why should I let some radian steal the spotlight?
{Show Prinny with clipboard}
PRINNY: Uh, guys? We kinda have to get started.
{Show picture of Lahral with glowing black aura}
LAHARL: Today, I begin my conquest of the human world! All will bow before my might!
{Show picture of Sho in his "Taboo" form}
SHO: Stupid son-of-a-digit! If anyone is going to conquer the world, it's gonna be me!
{Show picture of Sho and Laharl in a slapping fight in their "powered-up" forms}
LAHARL: Get out of my way!
SHO: You're out of your league kid!
LAHARL: Loser!
SHO: Yoctogram!
PRINNY: Um… right.
{Show picture of Sho and Laharl trying to push each other out of the screen.}
SHO and LAHARL together: Next time, on Ultimate Demon Overlord Championship Zeta!
KENTARO: Doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, does it?
{Show picture of Vy… I mean Mid-Boss}
MID-BOSS: Hey! Doesn't anyone care about me?
Large beads of sweat formed on the back of everyone's heads.
"WELL, FOR SUCH A DRAWN-OUT SCENE, THAT WAS RATHER ANTI-CLIMACTIC."
Karkat: STOP AGREEING WITH ME DAMN IT.
Charade opened and closed his good hand a few times, to make sure it still worked. "NOW THAT I'VE SUBDUED YOUR MOST POWERFUL WARRIOR, I WANT YOU ALL TO BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP ME SO YOU CAN HAVE A FALSE HOPE OF SURVIVAL BEFORE YOU DIE."
Caliborn: GREAT LINE! I HAVE TO WRITE THAT ONE DOWN.
He then grabbed Shinobu from her hiding place, and pulled her up in the air. "YOU FIRST."
"Waaaaa! Spare me, Mr. Eyeball-san!" Shinobu screamed,
"HO HO! I HAVEN'T SEEN A MORTAL PANIC THAT MUCH IN OVER A HUNDRED YEARS. THIS IS GOING TO BE GOOD…"
Kolla Suu put down her plasma cannon, "Damn." She said, "This guy is REALLY tough! This is the perfect time for a flashback that reveals some sort of Deus Ex Machina!"
---------------------------
"Suu… Before you leave for Japan, I want you to hold on to this."
Karkat: ...
"But why? It's just a stupid piece of wood!"
"This isn't an ordinary piece of wood: It's a magic staff that has been passed down by our family for centuries."
"Oh?"
"Yes, you have quite the potential for magic. I'm disappointed to see you waste it on technology and robots. But after you fixed the refrigerator last week, I'm not one to complain."
Karkat: HYPOCRISY AT ITS FINEST.
"Right… So what's it do?"
"Well, if you or someone you really care about is in great danger, hold this above your head, and shout to the heavens: 'I summon the power of Momol!'."
"Oh, I see! And then you and sis will be there to help me in spirit, right?"
"Um… right! Let's go with that!"
"Aww, thanks big brother! You always know where to find the best corny and yet somewhat mysterious presents! I love you!"
"And I love you too, Suu…"
---------------------
Suu pulled the "Staff" her brother gave her out of her back pocket, and shrugged. "I guess it's as good a chance as any." she said.
The blond-haired gadgeteer, spread her legs apart, threw her arm up into the air and shouted, "I SUMMON THE POWER OF MOMOL!"
Suddenly, (and rather predictably, I'm afraid) Suu was enveloped in a three-minute long transformation sequence, took a team of animators three weeks to produce, and laden with enough flashing lights and fanservice to give any overprotective soccer-mom a stroke and a seizure at the same time.
Dave: beacuse as we all know people suffering is the funniest thing on earth.
Caliborn: TRuE DAT, HOME DAWG.
Dave: dont talk to me.
Charade turned from Shinobu to see the sequence in action. "OH NO." he said in a monotone, pre-rehearsed voice, "I'M SO MEZMERIZED BY THE FLASHING LIGHTS AND PRITTY COLORS THAT I'M TOO DISTRACTED TO GO AHEAD AND FINISH THIS HELPLESS GIRL OFF."
Two extremely colorful minutes later, Suu's transformation sequence had finally ended. She was mildly surprised to find that her "Transformed" costume was exactly like her school uniform, except red and embodied with exotic patterns and lots of gold sequins. She was now also wearing a tiara, and the stick she was holding a moment ago had become some sort of greenish magic wand with a little figure of a turtle on one end.
Suu held out a mirror. "Wow, this is really tacky." He threw the mirror behind her back, and made some sort of baseball pitcher's pose, "Oh well! Here I go!" The new magical girl then pointed her wand at Charade and shouted, "SPARKLE TURTLE AIR STRIKE!"
The sky suddenly became dark.
Everyone looked up in horror to see that the glowing red symbol that appeared a moment ago was now obscured by a sky full of flying mecha-tama-chans.
Charade froze in terror, dropping Shinobu onto a pile of junk from the basement above.
"Oh. God. No." groaned Kitsune.
"I guess I don't know my own strength!" Suu nervously laughed.
"At least it's a cute way to die…" said Mutsumi.
Then, as expected, the countless turtles simultaneously went into a nose dive. As everyone ran around, scrambling for cover, Shinobu sat in the center of it all, frozen in wide-eyed terror.
"Ohgodohgod…" thought Shinobu, "…Theworldsgoingtoendandwe'reallgoingtodie!" her mind reeled uncontrollably. The blue haired teen took a deep breath in an unsuccessful attempt to calm herself. Then she grasped the nearest thing she could find, a plastic toy wand, for security. "There are so many things I wanted to do with my life… so many places I wanted to see… and I never told Keitaro that I… I…", She pulled the wand close to her, and screamed,
"I DON'T WANNA DIE!"
Pinkie Pie: Sometimes I wish I never been born at allllll! Carry ooooon, cary oooon, it doesn't really matter... v0v
----------------------------
Joshua flinched. He had just felt the fabric of the entire universe had suddenly unraveling and putting itself back together in a way SLIGHTLY different from before. He quickly looked around the café to see if anything was different, and breathed a sigh of relief when he found everything to be the same as he remembered.
Caliborn: "AS IF A SWITCH HAD BEEN TuRNED, AS IF AN EYE HAD BEEN BLINKED, AS IF SOME PHANTOM FORCE IN THE uNIVERSE HAD MADE A MOVE EONS BEYOND OuR-"
Dave: sorry dude, you already used your bad movie quote for the day.
Caliborn: DAMN IT.
"Um… Joshua?" asked Neku, "Are you feeling ok?"
The blond-haired teen hid his panic by taking a sip from his decaf mocha. "Nothing." Said Joshua. "So… as I was saying…"
Suddenly, Beat suddenly slammed through the door on his skateboard holding a bowl of Ramen in his hand, with Rhyme clutching on his leg for dear life. He then did a quick Ollie followed by a kickflip, whereupon he leapt off the board and screeched to a halt on the floor.
"Sorry for the holdup, 'Phones!" he said, "Me and Rhyme just stopped for somethin' to eat along the way. Ain't that right, sis?"
Rhyme's heart pounded rapidly as she unglued herself from Beat's leg. "Never. Do that. Again." she panted.
Neku glared at the slack-off skate-punk, "Couldn't you have just gotten something here like the rest of us? I mean, they DO sell food here…"
Beat had a surprised look on his face as he stared at the muffins, sandwiches, and other food on display. "Aww shoot! Why didn't I think of that!?" after a few seconds of mental scolding, he regained his composure, and glanced at Joshua. "So what's the deal, yo?"
Dave: ...one thing i will say is in spite of butching zalshamals personality and repeating pi faces lines and leaving a big plot hole at the beginning of the story i have to say most of the twewy cast is pretty much spot on.
Karkat: YEAH, IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY HARD TO RIFF ON THIS PART. IT'S NOT GREAT OR ANYTHING, BUT THE TONE FITS THE SOURCE MATERIAL. A BIT OF POLISH AND THIS COULD BE A GOOD STORY ON ITS OWN.
Joshua shook his head and sighed. "Well, as I was telling Neku here…"
The door slammed open again, and a person they'd never seen before stood in the doorway. She was quite attractive really, with a thin waist and wide hips, though everyone was paying more attention to her black logo'd t-shirt (a 777 t-shirt, no less), black jeans stitched with a gothic skull pattern, purple-dyed hair, red eye-contacts, and the disgusted scowl on her face.
Thinking quickly, Neku and Rhyme instantly leaped into a defensive position, while beat leaped back and made whooping noises as he stood in some silly kung-fu pose he saw in a movie once.
Joshua just sat there, eyeing their new visitor. "Can I… help you?" he said, with a smirk on his face.
"I think you know what I want." said the girl in a familiar voice. To Neku and Beat's surprise, the girl then pulled out a distinct looking plush cat/pig doll threw it to the ground, whereupon it came to life and attacked the blond. Three seconds later, Joshua was pinned to the floor by Mr. Mew.
"…and it's a pleasure to see you too, Shiki." He smiled.
The other three ex-players took a moment to wrap their heads around this. "Wait…" said Neku, stunned as ever, "YOU'RE Shiki?"
"Dude…" said Beat, "I know Phones said you'd look different, but…"
"This is just a disguise, morons!" Shiki exclaimed. She then grabbed Joshua by the shoulders and lifted him up, "Apparently SOMEONE forgot to give me my old body back. ISN'T THAT RIGHT?!" The faux-Goth snarled at Joshua.
Jake: Yeah, i see what you mean by 'polish'. this is an interesting concept, the idea that things weren't quite set back to normal after neku won the reapers game, but the dialogue is a bit stilted.
"Oh yes." said Joshua, unflappable as ever, "I knew I forgot something."
"Well?" said Shiki, "Aren't you going to DO SOMETHING about it?!"
Joshua sighed, "Well, I would if I could, but when I went to go get it, I found that someone had apparently stolen it…"
"How do I know you're telling the truth?"
Joshua smiled, "Well, A: I brought you back to life, which means I like you guys, B: I know you'd come and help me willingly, so I'd have nothing to gain by holding your body ransom, and C: If I wanted to stare at a pritty girl all day I would have kidnapped an idol singer by now."
Shiki breathed deeply for a moment, before calming down enough to let go of the threatened teen. "Sorry about that…" she breathed, "I just feel kinda cheated. I mean, I'm gone for who-knows-how-long and when I finally get back-"
"Say no more." Joshua sighed, "You can't talk to your best friend, your family doesn't even recognize you, etc etc. But don't sweat it." Shiki's expression turned sour again, "I have the best men in the afterlife working on it."
---------------------
Sherlock Holmes, world-famous English detective, peered his magnifying glass at cryogenic freezing tank #2445.
"Did you find anything yet?" asked Watson, his ever faithful lackey.
Jake: *facepalm* Oh bloody fucking hell!
Karkat: WAIT, THERES SOMETHING HERE YOU DON'T LIKE?
Jake: Yes. Well, sort of. While i admit i haven't seen a movie i didn't like, it's a bit of a pet peeve of mine to see holmes and watson butchered into "smart guy" and "hapless sidekick". Never mind that holmes had a drug problem and watson was not only doctor himself, but also a war veteran. The way most people think of watson (at least up untill guy ritchie's excellent movies) had more in common with sancho panza than anything else. Mind you i still think the story is superb despite this slip up, this is just irks me, is all.
"Just the usual array of clues, Watson." Holmes beamed, "Judging by spacing of footprints at the scene of the crime, this person must have been very tall. In addition, a sweeping pattern of dust indicates that he was wearing a robe, and further evidence of this is found in white threads on the ground. In addition, he was carrying a large implement, quite possibly a battle-ready scythe, and may have had dark skin, as his pattern of movement suggests that that he is of ancient Babylonian decent. In addition, he walks with the physical stature of a young man, but at the same time seems to have the world weariness of an extremely old one. Also, he seems to have written down the words 'My name is Zasalamel, you dope!' written in spray paint in front of the cryogenic chamber, which may be an alias or a codename."
Karkat: GEE I WONDER WHO THE CULPRIT IS.
Watson pretended to understand all that the famous sleuth was telling him. "And… er… what does this all mean?" he asked.
"It's elementary, my dear Watson: The culprit must be dealing with a seven-foot-tall immortal black man in a white robe carrying a scythe who goes by the name of Zasalamel!" He then quickly sketched a picture-perfect rendition of their alleged body-snatcher.
Watson took a good look at the sketch. "That sounds a bit…far-fetched to me." He said.
"You're right." Holmes agreed, crumpling the drawing into a ball, "It's just all too silly. Battle Scythes! What was I thinking? This is obviously the work of my nemesis, Professor Moriarty!"
Jake: *facepalm* Well at least this is supposed to be played for comedy...
Watson adjusted his monocle. "But Holmes, hasn't Moriatry has been dead for nearly a hundred something years?" he asked.
"Precisely! That's why it's so clever!" Holmes concluded.
Jake: *facepalm*
"Good show, old boy!" Watson applauded.
-----------------------------
"You don't need to worry about a thing." Joshua added.
Rhyme got up, and decided to change the subject. "So what's with the makeover?" she asked,
"Yeah," Beat concurred, "I thought that whole 'emo' thing was Phones' shtick."
"Watch it…" Neku remarked.
"Think about it!" Shiki growled, "Look, my parents are confused as it is. And how do you think Eri would feel if I showed up at school looking exactly like her?"
Pinkie: You could claim to be her long-lost identical twin! ^_^
Karkat: A LONG LOST TWIN WHO, BY COINCIDENCE, HAPPENS TO HAVE THE EXACT SAME TASTE IN FASHION. NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT HER PARENTS COULD EASILY CALL HER OUT ON IT.
Dave: yeah. thats a plan that only works in bad gender-bender manga.
Beat thought about this for a second. "Ah, dat's a good point."
Joshua brushed off his shirt and shrugged, "Well, bad as your problem is, I'm afraid we have more important things to deal with."
"Like what?" Shiki pouted.
Joshua pointed outside. They all crowded around the café's window to see an unfortunate "Mick" Makoto (not to be confused with Mokoto, the sword wielding samurai girl of Hinatasou) being chased by a giant red frog.
"WHY DOES THIS STUFF ALWAYS HAPPEN TO MEEEEEEEEEEEE?!?!?!" he screamed as he sprinted down Cat Street.
"What the hell?!" shouted Neku.
"Woah…" said Rhyme.
"We gotta do somethin', yo!" said Beat. But as he rushed out the door, he suddenly felt Joshua's hand grasping is collar.
"Relax." Said Joshua, "He's not going to learn anything if someone's always saving his butt. All he needs to do to fight the noise is make a pact with someone." Beat slowed down as Joshua's grip lessened. "His survival instincts ought to be kicking in any second now."
The four stared at Makoto as the red frog noise tackled him, and was now trying to chew off one of his legs. A large crowd had now gathered to witness the bizarre massacre.
Neku wasn't convinced that millions of years of evolution would kick in anytime soon. "Is it possible to… speed up the process somewhat."
Joshua frowned. "Funny, I was about to say the same thing."
Shiki ran over to the crowd and tapped the shoulder of a random kid in the crowd. "Hey, kid!" she shouted.
The kid turned around, looked at Shiki and said, "Woah! A real-live vampire!"
Shiki turned red in the face. "I am NOT a-"
Then Neku approached the kid. "Look, kid. I need to do you a favor for me…"
"Hey! I know you!" the kid smiled as he spoke, "You're that guy I totally trashed during the slam-off last month!" The memories suddenly came rushing back to Neku.
From what he could recall, he knew the kid was called "Shooter", and is completely obsessed with the game "Tin Pin Slammer". Neku remembered losing to the kid back in week 2 of the Reaper's game, though the kid later came looking for a rematch. Word on the street was that he considered Neku to be his "Rival", despite Neku's lack of interest in the game.
Dave: funny how the author recaps details like this, but nothing about why Shiki's body would be missing.
Neku continued to frown, "Yeah, great. Whatever. Anyway, I want you to make a pact with-"
The Tin Pin aficionado pulled out his launcher. "Dude! We should totally have a rematch!"
Neku groaned. "Look, we don't have time for this: You see that guy over there?" he pointed at Makoto, currently rolling around on the ground while holding the struggling frog at arm's length.
"Yeah, so?"
"Well, I want you to go up and make a 'pact' with him."
Shooter blinked. "You want me do make a what?"
The orange-haired teen put his hands to his face, "You know… a 'pact'. A pact is a… um…" he scratched his head, trying to come up with the right words.
Then Joshua cut him off. "Remember episode 47 of Slammurai, where Red and Black both swore to protect each other so they take down the Tin Pin Tyrant?"
The kid's face lit up. "Totally! That's, like, my favorite episode!"
Joshua smiled, "Well, a 'pact' is kind of like that." He winked at Neku, "A 'pact' is when you agree to protect each other in a time of great need, allowing you to tap into your inner reserves of strength though the power of friendship."
"The power of friendship?" thought Neku, "What sort of Idiot would swallow such a load of-"
"Wow! You're right!" Shooter slapped his hand to his face, "Why didn't I think of that!" he then dashed off to try and save Makoto.
Neku, Shiki, Beat and Rhyme all stared at Joshua. "What?" he said, "It pays to know how to work people..."
Caliborn: I TOTALLY AGREE. NOW BOW BEFORE ME YOu PATHETIC PILE OF DuNG!
Dave: no.
Caliborn: CuRSE YOU STRIDERRRRRRRRRRRR!
Meanwhile, Shooter had just sprinted to the battle ground, where the red frog that was attacking Makoto had just been joined by a kangaroo and a giant crab. "Dude! Make a pact with me if you want to live!"
"W… what?" Makoto lifted his head as he was slowly being crushed weight of the supernatural critters. "Kid! Get away from here now, before they come for you too!"
Shooter ignored Mick's command and held out his arm. "Just trust me on this!"
He sighed, "Oh hell, why not..." he somehow pulled his arm out of the tangled jumble of Noise, and accepted Shooter's offer…
Karkat: AGAIN, INTERESTING IDEA, MEDIOCRE EXECUTION. MAYBE THIS STORY WOULD BE WORTH READING IF IT FOCUSED ON THESE GUYS INSTEAD.
Jake: I dunno, i like it.
Dave: jake. you liked "glen or glenda". your opinion is invalid.
Jake: Is it my fault that i find a movie about a closet transvestite listening to a story about a psudohermaphrodite so engrossing?
Karkat: YES. YES IT IS.
------------------------
NEXT EPISODE PREVIEW
{Show picture of Minamimoto and Laharl staring each other down}
LAHARL: Etna gets to do this all the time. So today, I, the great Laharl, Prince of the Netherworld, will now steal her spotlight!
SHO: No zeta way! I didn't even get a single line in this chapter, so why should I let some radian steal the spotlight?
{Show Prinny with clipboard}
PRINNY: Uh, guys? We kinda have to get started.
{Show picture of Lahral with glowing black aura}
LAHARL: Today, I begin my conquest of the human world! All will bow before my might!
{Show picture of Sho in his "Taboo" form}
SHO: Stupid son-of-a-digit! If anyone is going to conquer the world, it's gonna be me!
{Show picture of Sho and Laharl in a slapping fight in their "powered-up" forms}
LAHARL: Get out of my way!
SHO: You're out of your league kid!
LAHARL: Loser!
SHO: Yoctogram!
PRINNY: Um… right.
{Show picture of Sho and Laharl trying to push each other out of the screen.}
SHO and LAHARL together: Next time, on Ultimate Demon Overlord Championship Zeta!
KENTARO: Doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, does it?
{Show picture of Vy… I mean Mid-Boss}
MID-BOSS: Hey! Doesn't anyone care about me?
------------------------
Karkat: UHG, FINAL CHAPTER. I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW GLAD I AM THAT THE AUTHOR FINALLY RAN OUT OF STEAM.
Now that the Ragnarock has officially begun, I might as well talk briefly about the abilities of the seven "Children of Ragnarok".
First, of course, we have the wielder of the Soul Calibur. Being the "healing blade" opposite of the soul-sucking Soul Edge, the destined wielder of the blade is a delta-class immortal: He has complete invulnerability and ages normally, though this invulnerability begins to fade away around his sixties. But after he finds the Soul Calibur, he becomes an alpha-class immortal, and becomes completely ageless and invulnerable and wallows around in his eternally tormented existence until he either finds a sufficiently powerful reaper to put him out of his misery, or he gets struck down by the soul edge. In addition, the blade itself can create a suppressive "anti-superpower" field when not in use, preventing the triggering of any unfortunate prophecies.
Karkat: WHOOPS.
While I don't know the full extent of the time-warper's power, it would be safe to assume that it includes time travel to some extent.
While I don't know the full extent of the time-warper's power, it would be safe to assume that it includes time travel to some extent.
Dave: and the nobel state the fucking obvious prize goes to...
It would also be safe to assume that this form of time-travel is immune to paradoxes, and that the abilities belong to someone responsible enough not to make frivolous changes to the time line.
After all, we don't want to accidently let Hitler win WWII, do we?
After all, we don't want to accidently let Hitler win WWII, do we?
Karkat: IF SHE HAS TIME TRAVEL POWERS THEN WHY CAN'T SHE JUST GO BACK IN TIME AND STOP THIS MESS FROM EVER OCCURING?
Dave: beacuse that went so well in the show that inspired mokotos powers.
Karkat: OH SHUT UP. YOU AND I BOTH KNOW THAT HIRO IS A PUSSY ABOUT CHANGING THE PAST. THE SHOW WOULD BE OVER IN THREE SECONDS IF HE JUST THOUGHT THINGS THROUGH A BIT MORE.
The Sorceress of Momol, on the other hand, is a well-documented legend: a hereditary title that is handed to a member of Momol's royal family every once in a while. But despite the profilation of the legend, reliable lore about what the sorceress can exactly DO are contradictory.
Jake: Apparently it has something to do with robot turtles.
Thanks to the "Red Moon" incident, it is now painfully obvious that Kolla Suu currently holds this title, even if she hasn't been officially named as such. Her chaotic nature coupled with coupled with her family's full power does not bode well.
But if anyone of the seven worries me, it would have to be the Goddess. Her ability is to warp the very fabric of reality into whatever she wants. With a power like that, it's a wonder she hasn't discovered it already.
Have you ever heard of Haruhi Suzumiya? She was a girl from another world who developed similar powers. I doubt you have, as her world, as well as about a few thousand nearby worlds, were severed from the rest of multiverse to prevent the polluting of the time stream. This was done because her personality was so unstable that she posed undo all of existence.
And yet her influence lives on: despite all trace of her existence being wiped from history, she still exists in the collective unconscious of society, evidenced by the fact that there are a series of popular novels loosely based on her exploits.
Karkat: WHY DOES EVERYTHING KEEP GOING BACK TO THAT SUZUMIYA GIRL?!
I won't name the person whom I think is the goddess; but I will say that it's a good thing she has very little self-esteem. If her power DOES manifest at some point, it will hopefully be in a way that emulates another superpower. Hopefully this will keep her mind off of screwing with reality.
Hopefully.
-Hiruka-San's Doomsday Log, Part 1
--------------------
THE UNIVIRSE, V.1.4
COPYRIGHT(BEGINNING OF THE UNIVERSE): GOD
SERVER #: 617
SERVER STATUS: RAGNAROCK
A) LOGIN
B)READ CHANGELOG [1]
C)QUIT
A
Dave: so now weve changed narration style. yep. this story has jumped the shark.
NAME?
SHINOBU
PASSWORD?
LIDDU_KUN_MECHA_OMEGA
WELCOME SHINOBU (ADMINISTRATOR)!
A)RESUME FROM LAST AUTOSAVE
B)ALTER HUMAN
C)ALTER SELF
D)CHANGE PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES
E)CHANGE OWN PHYSICAL ATTIBUTES
F)CREATE LIFE
G)DELETE LIFE
H)PLAY NETHACK
Dave: apparently god is a computer geek.
I)MODIFY: LAWS OF PHYSICS
J)MORE
C
SHINOBU
LEVEL 1 FEMALE HUMAN COMMONER
STR: 6
DEX: 9
INT: 10
WIS: 12
CHA: 11
CON: 8
FEATS: Blue Hair, Natural Chef, Administrator Privileges
A)SEE SKILLS
B)CHANGE CLASS
C)EDIT STATS
D)ADD FEATS
E)ALTER APPEARANCE
F)ALTER BIO
G)GO TO MENU
B
WHAT CLASS?
A)FIGHTER
B)SOURCERESS
C)NINJA
D)PIRATE
E)CYBORG
F)MAGICAL GIRL
G)SUPERHERO
H)MORE
I)CUSTOM CLASS
F
ARE YOU SHURE YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR CLASS TO "MAGICAL GIRL"? (Y/N)
Y
SELECT SPECIALIZATION:
A)ELEMENTAL MAGIC
B)SUMMONING
C)CONJURING
D)CHRONOMANCY
E)NECROMANCY
F)GEOMANCY
G)ANIMAL EMPATHY
H)SUPPORT MAGIC
I)MAGIC LAZOR CANNONS
J)GENERIC MAGICS
K)OTHER
I
SELECT SECONDARY SPECILIZATION:
A)ELEMENTAL MAGIC
B)SUMMONING
C)CONJURING
D)CHRONOMANCY
E)NECROMANCY
F)GEOMANCY
G)ANIMAL EMPATHY
H)SUPPORT MAGIC
I)x-MAGIC LAZOR CANNONS-x
I)MODIFY: LAWS OF PHYSICS
J)MORE
C
SHINOBU
LEVEL 1 FEMALE HUMAN COMMONER
STR: 6
DEX: 9
INT: 10
WIS: 12
CHA: 11
CON: 8
FEATS: Blue Hair, Natural Chef, Administrator Privileges
A)SEE SKILLS
B)CHANGE CLASS
C)EDIT STATS
D)ADD FEATS
E)ALTER APPEARANCE
F)ALTER BIO
G)GO TO MENU
B
WHAT CLASS?
A)FIGHTER
B)SOURCERESS
C)NINJA
D)PIRATE
E)CYBORG
F)MAGICAL GIRL
G)SUPERHERO
H)MORE
I)CUSTOM CLASS
F
ARE YOU SHURE YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR CLASS TO "MAGICAL GIRL"? (Y/N)
Y
SELECT SPECIALIZATION:
A)ELEMENTAL MAGIC
B)SUMMONING
C)CONJURING
D)CHRONOMANCY
E)NECROMANCY
F)GEOMANCY
G)ANIMAL EMPATHY
H)SUPPORT MAGIC
I)MAGIC LAZOR CANNONS
J)GENERIC MAGICS
K)OTHER
I
SELECT SECONDARY SPECILIZATION:
A)ELEMENTAL MAGIC
B)SUMMONING
C)CONJURING
D)CHRONOMANCY
E)NECROMANCY
F)GEOMANCY
G)ANIMAL EMPATHY
H)SUPPORT MAGIC
I)x-MAGIC LAZOR CANNONS-x
Caliborn: LASERS ARE ALWAYS THE BEST CHOICE.
J)GENERIC MAGICS
K)OTHER
H
SAVING…
DONE!
A)SEE SKILLS
B)CHANGE CLASS
C)EDIT STATS
D)ADD FEATS
E)ALTER APPEARANCE
F)ALTER BIO
G)GO TO MENU
G
EXECUTING: C:/RETURN_TO_
TARGET: CHECKPOINT "AUTO_SAVE", (MINUS 15 SECONDS)
INITIALIZING...
"At least it's a cute way to die…" said Mutsumi.
Then, as expected, the countless turtles simultaneously went into a nose dive. As everyone ran around, scrambling for cover, Shinobu sat in the center of it all, frozen in wide-eyed terror.
"Ohgodohgod…" thought Shinobu, "…Theworldsgoingtoendandwe'reallgoingtodie!" her mind reeled uncontrollably. The blue haired teen took a deep breath in an unsuccessful attempt to calm herself. Then she grasped the nearest thing she could find, a plastic toy wand, for security. "There are so many things I wanted to do with my life… so many places I wanted to see… and I never told Keitaro that I… I…", She pulled the wand close to her, and screamed,
"MAGICAL TRASFORM, GO!"
Shinobu instantly clasped a hand over her mouth, looking embarrassed. "Wait, what?" she thought. "Why the hell did I just say that?"the blue-haired teen wondered aloud.
Then, as if the universe was giving her an answer, the magic wand she had been clutching began to glow bright white. An instant later, Shinobu was wisked away into another elaborate transformation sequence. As if it were even possible, it was even longer and flashier than Suu's already over-the-top transformation.
J)GENERIC MAGICS
K)OTHER
H
SAVING…
DONE!
A)SEE SKILLS
B)CHANGE CLASS
C)EDIT STATS
D)ADD FEATS
E)ALTER APPEARANCE
F)ALTER BIO
G)GO TO MENU
G
EXECUTING: C:/RETURN_TO_
TARGET: CHECKPOINT "AUTO_SAVE", (MINUS 15 SECONDS)
INITIALIZING...
-------------------------
"At least it's a cute way to die…" said Mutsumi.
Then, as expected, the countless turtles simultaneously went into a nose dive. As everyone ran around, scrambling for cover, Shinobu sat in the center of it all, frozen in wide-eyed terror.
"Ohgodohgod…" thought Shinobu, "…Theworldsgoingtoendandwe'reallgoingtodie!" her mind reeled uncontrollably. The blue haired teen took a deep breath in an unsuccessful attempt to calm herself. Then she grasped the nearest thing she could find, a plastic toy wand, for security. "There are so many things I wanted to do with my life… so many places I wanted to see… and I never told Keitaro that I… I…", She pulled the wand close to her, and screamed,
"MAGICAL TRASFORM, GO!"
Shinobu instantly clasped a hand over her mouth, looking embarrassed. "Wait, what?" she thought. "Why the hell did I just say that?"the blue-haired teen wondered aloud.
Then, as if the universe was giving her an answer, the magic wand she had been clutching began to glow bright white. An instant later, Shinobu was wisked away into another elaborate transformation sequence. As if it were even possible, it was even longer and flashier than Suu's already over-the-top transformation.
Jake: ...Do you want to say it, or can i?
Karkat: KNOCK YOURSELF OUT. I DON'T CARE ANYMORE.
Jake: Right... this sequence is a reference to episode 8, where motoko has a dream where the main characters are in a jrpg. In this, shinobu's class is a "mage", and she goes through a magical girl transformation sequence.
Karkat: I HATE MY LIFE.
Hiruka looked away from the seizure inducing lights for a moment to stare up at the Tama-chans in the sky, now floating around reading magazines and playing video games.
---------------------
FIVE MINUTES LATER
---------------------
Hiruka looked away from the seizure inducing lights for a moment to stare up at the Tama-chans in the sky, now floating around reading magazines and playing video games.
Karkat: WITHOUT THUMBS, I SHOULD POINT OUT.
"You look calm." said Kitsune, currently trying to open a bottle of Sake for her last meal. "Aren't you worried about our impending doom by flying-turtle air-strike?"
"Nah." She replied, casually lighting a cigarette, "Even if we all die here, I could always pull a few strings to get you out of the UG."
Kitsune sighed. "Er... right."
"Everyone back in your places!" shouted Suu, holding an oversized novelty stopwatch, "The transformation ends in five, four, three, two, one…"
Finally, the flashing lights died down, and Shinobu was standing where she was a moment ago. Except that now she was wearing a skimpy uniform with a white skirt and a white sleeveless top, and the plastic wand she was holding a moment ago had transformed into a garish pink magic staff [1] with a large blue heart the front end. "Wa… wha?" she said.
"You look calm." said Kitsune, currently trying to open a bottle of Sake for her last meal. "Aren't you worried about our impending doom by flying-turtle air-strike?"
"Nah." She replied, casually lighting a cigarette, "Even if we all die here, I could always pull a few strings to get you out of the UG."
Kitsune sighed. "Er... right."
"Everyone back in your places!" shouted Suu, holding an oversized novelty stopwatch, "The transformation ends in five, four, three, two, one…"
Finally, the flashing lights died down, and Shinobu was standing where she was a moment ago. Except that now she was wearing a skimpy uniform with a white skirt and a white sleeveless top, and the plastic wand she was holding a moment ago had transformed into a garish pink magic staff [1] with a large blue heart the front end. "Wa… wha?" she said.
Jake: *reads footnote*
[1] No, for your information, it did not have a knob on the end. You must be thinking of a Wizard's staff.
Karkat: A CLUMSY DISCWORLD REFERENCE THAT SHOWS HOW THE AUTHOR FAILS TO GRASP SEXUAL INNUENDO? I THINK WE HAVE A WINNER!
Upon seeing this Suu immediately ran up to the NEW new Magical Girl, and snatched the staff out of her hands. "Oooh! Cool!" Suu shouted. "You must be a Magical Girl too! That's so awesome! Now we can fight monsters together!" her mind swam with possibilities, "And mabey we could find some other magical girls and form a team! Then, not only can we octuple our crime-fighting potential, but we can even go into merchandising! I see it now: Sailor Suu and her sidekicks, defenders of turtles and other cool things! Being my best friend, you'd get a good %15 share of the profits as opposed to my %20, but what If we did a video game? That would be so awesome! In it, we'd be fighting giant robots from the planet Zlorch, who want to take over the world so they can turn it into the world's largest ice cream stand…"
As Suu continued to babble on about the meathods of fighting giant robots, Shinobu covered her ears and dropped down on her knees. "This is all happening so fast…" she sobbed, "First Keitaro turns out to be immortal and causes the end of the world, Mokoto does I don't know what, you become a magical girl again, and next thing you know, I get dragged into this mess." She turned to Suu. "Why aren't you frightened?"
Karkat: A CLUMSY DISCWORLD REFERENCE THAT SHOWS HOW THE AUTHOR FAILS TO GRASP SEXUAL INNUENDO? I THINK WE HAVE A WINNER!
Upon seeing this Suu immediately ran up to the NEW new Magical Girl, and snatched the staff out of her hands. "Oooh! Cool!" Suu shouted. "You must be a Magical Girl too! That's so awesome! Now we can fight monsters together!" her mind swam with possibilities, "And mabey we could find some other magical girls and form a team! Then, not only can we octuple our crime-fighting potential, but we can even go into merchandising! I see it now: Sailor Suu and her sidekicks, defenders of turtles and other cool things! Being my best friend, you'd get a good %15 share of the profits as opposed to my %20, but what If we did a video game? That would be so awesome! In it, we'd be fighting giant robots from the planet Zlorch, who want to take over the world so they can turn it into the world's largest ice cream stand…"
As Suu continued to babble on about the meathods of fighting giant robots, Shinobu covered her ears and dropped down on her knees. "This is all happening so fast…" she sobbed, "First Keitaro turns out to be immortal and causes the end of the world, Mokoto does I don't know what, you become a magical girl again, and next thing you know, I get dragged into this mess." She turned to Suu. "Why aren't you frightened?"
KARKAT: THIS IS THE EXACT WRONG TIME FOR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT.
This made Suu pause. She looked up in the air and scrathed her chin, trying to come up with something. Then she looked back at Shinobu and smiled. "Well, the way I see it, it's like a big adventure!"
"An… adventure?" the nervous blue-haired girl responded.
"Yeah!" the blond haired girl continued, "An adventure of a lifetime! Only more painful 'cuz it's real!" She extended a hand to pull her friend back up. "I mean, so what if you get pulled into it? It isn't the end of the world or anything."
"UM, ACTUALLY IT IS." Charade quipped.
Suu glared at Charade for a second, before turning back to Shinobu. "Anyway, you just need to suck it up and have some confidence in yourself." She nudged the other girl on the shoulder. "That's how the heroes do it."
Shinobu's face brightened up. "Okay…" she smiled, "I'll try and do my best!"
Suu slapped her hand across her friend's back and let out a hearty laugh. "That's the spirit!" she said.
A single, unified "Awwwwww..." came out from everyone in the room. Even Pi-face muttered something along the lines of, "The kid's got a point…".
This made Suu pause. She looked up in the air and scrathed her chin, trying to come up with something. Then she looked back at Shinobu and smiled. "Well, the way I see it, it's like a big adventure!"
"An… adventure?" the nervous blue-haired girl responded.
"Yeah!" the blond haired girl continued, "An adventure of a lifetime! Only more painful 'cuz it's real!" She extended a hand to pull her friend back up. "I mean, so what if you get pulled into it? It isn't the end of the world or anything."
"UM, ACTUALLY IT IS." Charade quipped.
Suu glared at Charade for a second, before turning back to Shinobu. "Anyway, you just need to suck it up and have some confidence in yourself." She nudged the other girl on the shoulder. "That's how the heroes do it."
Shinobu's face brightened up. "Okay…" she smiled, "I'll try and do my best!"
Suu slapped her hand across her friend's back and let out a hearty laugh. "That's the spirit!" she said.
A single, unified "Awwwwww..." came out from everyone in the room. Even Pi-face muttered something along the lines of, "The kid's got a point…".
Dave: oh yeah i forgot he was there. i see now that his incision in the story was so necessary.
"That was so touching…" Mutsumi cried. And she was right. That single, touching moment, filled everyone, even Keitaro, with a sense of hope and purpose.
Everyone, that is, except Kitsune. She just clapped her hands sarcastically. "Yeah, great job." she said, "Believe in yourself. Great. Whatever. Now what are you going to do about our IMPENDING DOOM!?!?"
Everyone suddenly remembered about the deadly falling turtles that Suu accidently summoned.
"Oh yeah." She nervously laughed. "I forgot about that."
A moment later, everyone in the room panicked, scrambling for color.
"No…" said Shinobu, "It can't end this way… I have to do something!"
"So do I!" said Suu. She pulled out a pair of knockout pills and swallowed them. "See you in the afterlife!" she said before collapsing.
"That was so touching…" Mutsumi cried. And she was right. That single, touching moment, filled everyone, even Keitaro, with a sense of hope and purpose.
Everyone, that is, except Kitsune. She just clapped her hands sarcastically. "Yeah, great job." she said, "Believe in yourself. Great. Whatever. Now what are you going to do about our IMPENDING DOOM!?!?"
Everyone suddenly remembered about the deadly falling turtles that Suu accidently summoned.
"Oh yeah." She nervously laughed. "I forgot about that."
A moment later, everyone in the room panicked, scrambling for color.
"No…" said Shinobu, "It can't end this way… I have to do something!"
"So do I!" said Suu. She pulled out a pair of knockout pills and swallowed them. "See you in the afterlife!" she said before collapsing.
Karkat: WHAT A GREAT FRIEND.
Reenacting her deepest, fondest childhood fantasies, Shinobu stood on the tallest pile of junk she could find, held the staff up in the air, and shouted, "ULTRA BARRIER!"
And, just in the nick of time, an enormous barrier was erected around the dormitory. Upon collision, the turtles simply exploded on the energy shield, leaving the building inside intact.
"Well that was… lucky?" was all Mutsumi could think of to say.
Unfortunantly, Shinobu was unused to using vast amounts of magic (or, shall I say, ANY magic), and immediately afterward followed Suu's lead and pulled a Mutsumi on everyone.
"This just gets weirder by the second." Kitsune got up and began to walk away. "I think I'll just be going to bed."
"OH NO YOU AREN'T." said the only person here who talks entirely in capital letters, "YOU'VE GIVEN ME TOO MUCH SNARK TODAY, MISSY! YOU'RE GOING DOWN NEXT!"
Reenacting her deepest, fondest childhood fantasies, Shinobu stood on the tallest pile of junk she could find, held the staff up in the air, and shouted, "ULTRA BARRIER!"
And, just in the nick of time, an enormous barrier was erected around the dormitory. Upon collision, the turtles simply exploded on the energy shield, leaving the building inside intact.
"Well that was… lucky?" was all Mutsumi could think of to say.
Unfortunantly, Shinobu was unused to using vast amounts of magic (or, shall I say, ANY magic), and immediately afterward followed Suu's lead and pulled a Mutsumi on everyone.
"This just gets weirder by the second." Kitsune got up and began to walk away. "I think I'll just be going to bed."
"OH NO YOU AREN'T." said the only person here who talks entirely in capital letters, "YOU'VE GIVEN ME TOO MUCH SNARK TODAY, MISSY! YOU'RE GOING DOWN NEXT!"
Karkat: TOO MUCH SNARK? SHE'S BARELY SAID TWO WORDS!
Kitsune gulped, "Uh… can't we talk this over?"
"DIE!" shouted Charade as he charged towards to defenseless slacker.
Kitsune froze in terror, only to sigh in relief immediately as the demon tripped over a rolling pin and-
*CRASH*
…Landed on his rear.
"NOT FUNNY!" he shouted. Charade got up, and took another step, but accidently put his foot down on a pair of roller skates-
*SMASH*
…falling face… er… eyeball-first this time.
"THIRD TIME'S THE CHARM!" he said. But this was not to be, as he proceeded to-
*WHACK*
…step on a rake…
*SLAM*
…trip over a dumbbell…
"OW!"
…land on a loose nail…
Kitsune gulped, "Uh… can't we talk this over?"
"DIE!" shouted Charade as he charged towards to defenseless slacker.
Kitsune froze in terror, only to sigh in relief immediately as the demon tripped over a rolling pin and-
*CRASH*
…Landed on his rear.
"NOT FUNNY!" he shouted. Charade got up, and took another step, but accidently put his foot down on a pair of roller skates-
*SMASH*
…falling face… er… eyeball-first this time.
"THIRD TIME'S THE CHARM!" he said. But this was not to be, as he proceeded to-
*WHACK*
…step on a rake…
*SLAM*
…trip over a dumbbell…
"OW!"
…land on a loose nail…
Karkat: REMEMBER WHAT I SAID ABOUT HOW SLAPSTICK DOESN'T WORK IN LITERATURE? I STAND BY MY ARGUMENT.
*OOF!*
…collapse onto a pile of broken glass…
*SNAP*
…put his hand in a mousetrap…
"RAAAR!"
…and attract the rage of the otherwise-friendly chupacabra that was living in an old abandoned wine cellar nearby.
Finally, after enduring injury after agonizing injury, Charade finally crawled within five feet of Kitsune, and managed to stand up without incident. "SO, AS I WAS SAYING…" he raised his arm, opening it like a claw. "DIE!"
Kitsune quickly leapt backwards to avoid the swipe, but tripped over a large box marked "Shurken, Arrows, Daggers, Knives, and other pointy metal things." This gave her an idea…
Charade walked up to the platinum blonde, as she quickly opened the box and pulled out a ninja knife from the top. "WELL, THAT WAS 'LUCKY'." He chuckled, "ANY LAST WORDS?"
"Just one:" she pulled her hand back in preparation. "Catch."
With a quick arm motion, Kitsune buried the kunai deep into the demon's eyeball.
"ARRGH!" Charade doubled back in pain, clutching his hands to his 'face'. "THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!" he screamed, "HOW DID YOU KNOW MY ONE WEAKNESS!?"
*OOF!*
…collapse onto a pile of broken glass…
*SNAP*
…put his hand in a mousetrap…
"RAAAR!"
…and attract the rage of the otherwise-friendly chupacabra that was living in an old abandoned wine cellar nearby.
Finally, after enduring injury after agonizing injury, Charade finally crawled within five feet of Kitsune, and managed to stand up without incident. "SO, AS I WAS SAYING…" he raised his arm, opening it like a claw. "DIE!"
Kitsune quickly leapt backwards to avoid the swipe, but tripped over a large box marked "Shurken, Arrows, Daggers, Knives, and other pointy metal things." This gave her an idea…
Charade walked up to the platinum blonde, as she quickly opened the box and pulled out a ninja knife from the top. "WELL, THAT WAS 'LUCKY'." He chuckled, "ANY LAST WORDS?"
"Just one:" she pulled her hand back in preparation. "Catch."
With a quick arm motion, Kitsune buried the kunai deep into the demon's eyeball.
"ARRGH!" Charade doubled back in pain, clutching his hands to his 'face'. "THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!" he screamed, "HOW DID YOU KNOW MY ONE WEAKNESS!?"
Dave: in retrospect becoming a giant eyeball monster probably wasnt such a hot idea.
Kitsune stared at the eyeball-thing in disbelief. "It's kinda obvious."
Charade ran to the other end of the room, pulled the knife out of his socket, and his eyeball looked as good as new (if a little swollen). "WELL LAUGH WHILE YOU CAN, FLESHBAG, I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU GET ANOTHER CHANCE!" His eye began to glow even more red as it stared at Kitsune, as a large sphere of energy formed around it. "EAT MY EYE-BEAMS, FLESHSHY WOR-"
But before he could finish that insult, Kitsune threw threw another dagger at Charade, where it hit him squarely in the eye.
"LUCKY SHOT." He pulled the knife out. "DIE HUMAN, FOR REALS THIS TI- OW!" Another dagger landed in his eye. "THIS ISN'T FUNNY ANYMORE! OW!" another dagger, "OW! OW! OW!" and another, and another, and another.
In the wake of Kitsune's 1337 dagger spam,
Karkat: REALLY. LEET SPEAK?
Jake: Maybe she literally threw one thousand three hundred and thirty seven daggers?
Karkat: HONESTLY I DON'T KNOW WHICH OPTION IS WORSE.
Charade spotted Suu's mirror on the floor. "FINE! YOU LIKE TRICK SHOOTING?" He stared at Kitsune's reflection in the mirror, and began charging his eye-laser again. "TWO CAN PLAY AT THIS GAME!"
He intended the lazer to bounce off the mirror to melt the young woman's face off, while her daggers bounced harmlessly off his thick hide. Instead, one of the daggers bounced off the mirror's handle, to poked him in the eye AGAIN.
"THAT IS SO FRICKIN' ANNOYING!" Charade shouted.
"Had enough?" Kitsune motioned for Charade to come closer.
"SORT OF." The monster's singular eye darted around the room, when it spotted the unconscious body of Mutsumi, the only girl he hadn't threatened yet. ("What am I? Chopped liver?"thought Hiruka-san) He then grabbed the frail, sickly young woman, and held her upside-down by the legs. "I'M GOING TO RETREAT FOR NOW," he said, "FOLLOW ME, AND THIS GIRL GETS IT. GOT IT?"
But Kitsune said nothing. Putting one hand on her hip and the other on her chin, she wore a puzzled look on her face. A sound similar to sizzling bacon could be heard in the background. Then charade felt a burning sensation in his remaining hand.
"GREAT. NOW WHAT?" He groaned. He turned to face the burning hand, and found, to his great displeasure, Mutsumi had also undergone something of a transformation. Though she was still dressed in her same old everyday clothes, she now also sported a large, extremely noticeable pair of snow-white wings sprouting out of her back (how they managed to do suddenly appear without tearing a huge hole in her clothes is a mystery). In addition, she was glowing with a faint white aura, an aura that was apparently causing his remaining arm to become scorched and brittle, before finally disintegrating.
"DAMN." Charade said as Mutsumi dropped back onto the floor. "WELL, SINCE THIS BATTLE IS GETTING INCREASINGLY SILLY, LOOKS LIKE THERE'S ONLY ONE THING LEFT FOR ME TO DO:" Using one of his legs, Charade reached into his eye socket, and somehow pulled out a small, working replica of a subspace bomb [3]. "THIS THING WILL PROBABLY TAKE OUT HALF THE TOWN, BUT SINCE I'M GOING TO DIE ANYWAY, I MIGHT AS WELL TAKE AN MANY FLESHBAGS AS I CAN WITH ME. NOTHING PERSONAL, MIND YOU."
He intended the lazer to bounce off the mirror to melt the young woman's face off, while her daggers bounced harmlessly off his thick hide. Instead, one of the daggers bounced off the mirror's handle, to poked him in the eye AGAIN.
"THAT IS SO FRICKIN' ANNOYING!" Charade shouted.
"Had enough?" Kitsune motioned for Charade to come closer.
"SORT OF." The monster's singular eye darted around the room, when it spotted the unconscious body of Mutsumi, the only girl he hadn't threatened yet. ("What am I? Chopped liver?"thought Hiruka-san) He then grabbed the frail, sickly young woman, and held her upside-down by the legs. "I'M GOING TO RETREAT FOR NOW," he said, "FOLLOW ME, AND THIS GIRL GETS IT. GOT IT?"
But Kitsune said nothing. Putting one hand on her hip and the other on her chin, she wore a puzzled look on her face. A sound similar to sizzling bacon could be heard in the background. Then charade felt a burning sensation in his remaining hand.
"GREAT. NOW WHAT?" He groaned. He turned to face the burning hand, and found, to his great displeasure, Mutsumi had also undergone something of a transformation. Though she was still dressed in her same old everyday clothes, she now also sported a large, extremely noticeable pair of snow-white wings sprouting out of her back (how they managed to do suddenly appear without tearing a huge hole in her clothes is a mystery). In addition, she was glowing with a faint white aura, an aura that was apparently causing his remaining arm to become scorched and brittle, before finally disintegrating.
"DAMN." Charade said as Mutsumi dropped back onto the floor. "WELL, SINCE THIS BATTLE IS GETTING INCREASINGLY SILLY, LOOKS LIKE THERE'S ONLY ONE THING LEFT FOR ME TO DO:" Using one of his legs, Charade reached into his eye socket, and somehow pulled out a small, working replica of a subspace bomb [3]. "THIS THING WILL PROBABLY TAKE OUT HALF THE TOWN, BUT SINCE I'M GOING TO DIE ANYWAY, I MIGHT AS WELL TAKE AN MANY FLESHBAGS AS I CAN WITH ME. NOTHING PERSONAL, MIND YOU."
Karkat: YES. FINALLY. FINISH THEM OFF! END THIS SUFFERING!
He was about to press the button when Sho "The Grim Heaper" Minamimoto , sprung into action. He lept forward, kicked the bomb out of Charade's hand, and caught it in mid-air before landing feet first.
"It's Nothing personal, radian." Sho mocked, "I might not care about these hectopascals, but nothing comes between me, and me not dying." He grinned as a pair of wispy black wings began to form behind him. "Now stand aside before I… CRUNCH! Add you to the heap!"
Karkat: NO, NOT HIM! ANYTHING BUT HIM!
"That's Sho for you…" Hiruka-san sighed, "Him and his self-preservation instinct…"
Pi-face now stood in a karate pose, and created a small sphere of dark energy to prepare for his first attack. "Inverse-"
Suddenly, Sho was knocked aside by a large drilling machine crashing through the wall! As Pi-face nursed his mortal injuries, a hatch in the machine opened up, and out jumped three guys in suits sporting outrageous hairstyle.
Dave: be careful what you wish for.
"That's Sho for you…" Hiruka-san sighed, "Him and his self-preservation instinct…"
Pi-face now stood in a karate pose, and created a small sphere of dark energy to prepare for his first attack. "Inverse-"
Suddenly, Sho was knocked aside by a large drilling machine crashing through the wall! As Pi-face nursed his mortal injuries, a hatch in the machine opened up, and out jumped three guys in suits sporting outrageous hairstyle.
Dave: be careful what you wish for.
Karkat: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Jake: We should probably stay quite for the moment. The awesomeness of this next scene speaks for itself.
"Urashima Keitaro!" shouted the central one, turning to manager and holding out an official looking badge in his face, "I'm 'Agent J', and we're the Elite Beat Agents, here to motivate you to kick that monster's butt! What do you say?"
"T-minus sixty seconds."
Agent J paused. "That's an odd thing to say at a time like this."
"Fifty-five…fifty-four…fifty-three…"
Kitsune and Hiruka sweatdropped.
The agent looked over by where Sho was standing and saw the bomb slowly ticking down. "Oh..." He turned back to their target. "Well, don't worry son! You'll be fine in no time."
"Wa… wa-wa?" Keitaro replied. He then uncurled from his fetal position and spread across the floor.
"Uh, sir?" said one of the other agents, "I think he's too far gone at this point. We might as well head for the hills."
"Too late for that, boys." Agent J replied. "No turning back. That's the EBA motto."
"Fifty …fourty-nine…fourty-eight…"
"Turn on the first song!" the leader shouted.
The third unnamed agent held out a small device, and turned it on. Instantly, the room was filled with the sounds of "The Village People".
"Macho-macho man! I want to be, a macho man! Macho-macho man! I want to be a macho…!"
Keitaro continued to lie motionless.
"Forty-two…forty-one…"
"He's totally unresponsive!"
"Then then try another song!"
"It's the end of the world, as we know it…!"
"Still nothing!"
"Keep going!"
"It's the final countdown…!"
"Sir! He still hasn't responded, and we're fresh out of songs!"
"Thirty…twenty-nine…"
Agent J said nothing. He thought back to all his training, of those brutal days of sadistic cerography, angry sergeants, and really bad taste in music. He knew that his leadership was solely responsible for carrying out the mission. And in despite times, he knew he was required to make snap life-or-death decisions that would decide the fate of him and his team members.
"Urashima Keitaro!" shouted the central one, turning to manager and holding out an official looking badge in his face, "I'm 'Agent J', and we're the Elite Beat Agents, here to motivate you to kick that monster's butt! What do you say?"
"T-minus sixty seconds."
Agent J paused. "That's an odd thing to say at a time like this."
"Fifty-five…fifty-four…fifty-three…"
Kitsune and Hiruka sweatdropped.
The agent looked over by where Sho was standing and saw the bomb slowly ticking down. "Oh..." He turned back to their target. "Well, don't worry son! You'll be fine in no time."
"Wa… wa-wa?" Keitaro replied. He then uncurled from his fetal position and spread across the floor.
"Uh, sir?" said one of the other agents, "I think he's too far gone at this point. We might as well head for the hills."
"Too late for that, boys." Agent J replied. "No turning back. That's the EBA motto."
"Fifty …fourty-nine…fourty-eight…"
"Turn on the first song!" the leader shouted.
The third unnamed agent held out a small device, and turned it on. Instantly, the room was filled with the sounds of "The Village People".
"Macho-macho man! I want to be, a macho man! Macho-macho man! I want to be a macho…!"
Keitaro continued to lie motionless.
"Forty-two…forty-one…"
"He's totally unresponsive!"
"Then then try another song!"
"It's the end of the world, as we know it…!"
"Still nothing!"
"Keep going!"
"It's the final countdown…!"
"Sir! He still hasn't responded, and we're fresh out of songs!"
"Thirty…twenty-nine…"
Agent J said nothing. He thought back to all his training, of those brutal days of sadistic cerography, angry sergeants, and really bad taste in music. He knew that his leadership was solely responsible for carrying out the mission. And in despite times, he knew he was required to make snap life-or-death decisions that would decide the fate of him and his team members.
And he knew that this was one of those times.
"Not quite." The orange-haired agent said, "Bring out… Element 'D'."
"Sir, are you crazy?!" the other agent began to sweat, "Element 'D' nearly violates the Geneva Convention! There's no telling what affect such a concentration of pure rock might have on this guy!"
J sighed. "Soldier, am I your superior officer?"
"Ninteen… Eighteen…"
"Yes sir."
"Do you doubt my leadership?"
"Seventeen… Sixteen…"
"No sir."
"Then activate Element 'D'. That's an order."
"Fifteen… Fourteen…"
The agent gulped, and pressed a pressed another button on his little radio device.
An instant later, everyone who was still standing covered their ears as the song "Through the Fire and Flames" by Dragonforce blasted out from every direction. Immediately, the agents broke into a dance, as the doomsday clock ticked ever closer.
"Eleven…Ten…Nine…"
As Charade winced at the bizarre spectacle, he noticed that Keitaro was now sitting straight up. "IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU SNAPPED OUT OF IT." He said.
"Eight…Seven…Six…"
"I WAS GETTING BORED. AT LEAST A FIGHT WITH AN IMMOTAL OPPONENT WOULD BE..."
As the blazing chords and silly dance moves continued, the previously helpless manager suddenly lept to his feat, and wordlessly brought the Soul Calibur down upon the bomb in a single movement.
"…INTERESTING?"
"Three… two… on-" the countdown halted as the smashed object sputtered.
"OH BOY…"
As the chorus kicked in, Keitaro turned to glare at his foe. As he raised his blade into a combat position, the manager-turned-hero uttered but a single word:
"Die."
--------------------
A few minutes later, after Sho and Hiruka-san had woken them up, the girls watched in fascination as Keitaro continued to beat the ever-living snot out of Charade.
"Wow." Said Kitsune. "I didn't think he had it in him."
"Please." Mokoto rolled her eyes, "He has no technique. He's just blindly thrashing about."
"Ya' gotta give him credit though." Suu added, "That part where he ripped the guy's legs off and beat him with it? Pure. Geinus."
Mutsumi smiled, "Personally, I liked the part where the monster didn't have any limbs left, so he tied it to his blade and played paddleball with it."
Finally, as the song finished, and the Elite Beat Agents took a moment to marvel at their handiwork. For seven minutes, they had briefly turned the world's biggest loser into a mindless berserker that would make a Viking proud.
Kietaro continued to hack at the beast for a bit before he finally got a grip on himself. He looked around the room, and saw Charade's limbless, spherical core lying on the ground, softly moaning to himself. He then looked at the girls and said, "Did I just…?"
Aunt Hiruka replied with a nod.
"Wow…" he stared at the crystalline blade in awe.
Agent J came up and wrapped his arms around the roinin. "Yep!" he said, "Thanks to our motivational song-and-dance routine, as well as the power of rock, you were able to beat that eyeball monster in single combat!"
"OWWWWW…" moaned Charade
Keitaro clutched his blade and dropped down to his knees again, tears streaming down his pathetic-looking face, "great…" he sighed, "I finally get do something cool, and it turns out I needed someone else's help to do it…"
"That's the spirit!" Agent J laughed, "Now if you excuse me: Duty calls!" He then jumped back into the weird drill machine, and speed off.
"Aw man..." The 2nd agent groaned, with a large beat of sweat appearing on the back of his head, "Looks like he left us behind. Again."
The third agent sighed. "Relax. He'll come back for us eventually. Let's get some sushi in the meantime." The two agents then shuffled off to parts unknown.
Keitaro blinked for a moment, shook his head, and smiled at the girls, bright and chipper as ever. "Well, I might not understand what's going on here, but at least nobody got hurt!"
"Good for you." Hiruka pulled out a cup of tea. "Now, pack your bags. Suu: warm up the giant flying airship. We're all leaving as soon as possible."
Suu frowned. "I never said anything about a giant flying-"
"But you DO have one, don't you…" Hiruka sipped her tea as she stared at Suu with her trademark deadpan expression.
Kitsune pulled her hair in confusion. "What the hell is going on here?!"
Hiruka handed her mug to Sho, who was having his wounds wrapped up in bandages by Shinobu, "Would you belive me if I said that we needed to go on a quest to save the world?" She pointed up at the glowing symbol in the sky.
Kitsune was not satisfied, "Start explaining, sister."
"Fine." Hiruka conceded. "I'll tell you everything I know, just as soon as you pull Naru from out of the rubble…"
Keitaro gasped. "Ohmygod! Iknewweforgotsomething!" he leaped towards the nearest pile and started to madly dig away at pieces of wood, concrete, and plastic.
Sho lifted up a bandaged arm to point at a different pile. "Over there, yoctogram." He grimaced.
Kietaro took a moment to laugh nervously, and then began is dig anew. "Don't worry, Naru!" he shouted, "I'm coming! I'm here for you! I'm…"
The pile shifted. The manager held his breath. "Naru?"
Just then, the dibree that made up the pile suddenly flew every which way, leaving a very, VERY angry Naru Narsegawa where the pile once stood, breathing heavily.
"Naru!" Keitaro smiled, "Thank god you're OK!" he then got back down into a fetal position and started screaming "Waaaaa! Don't kill me! It wasn't my fault! Spare me Narsegawa!"
But to Keitaro's surprise and relief, she completely ignored the blubbering roinin, and instead marched up to Charade's core. "Are you still alive in there?"
Charade moaned in reply.
"I SAID…" Naru ripped an I-beam from under the ground, and held above her head, ready to strike.
"SPARE ME! I'M INNOCENT I TELL YOU!" the core now quivered in fear.
She dropped the construction beam, pulled Charade up with a single hand, and looked him straight in the eyes... er… eye. "So you mean to tell me, that you didn't mean to break into our house, kidnap Urashima, hold me as a hostage, trick Keitaro into ending civilization as we know it, and kill us off one by one?"
Later, Charade swore that Naru's eyes were actually on fire. "UM… MAYBE?" he stammered.
I think we ALL know what happens next.
But in case you lack the imagination, keep in mind that the force of the famous "Naru Punch" is directly proportional to the depravity of the deed. And since Keitaro is usually hurled far into the scenery for even the slightest slip-up…
Suffice it to say that some Canadians were VERY surprised that morning.
Keitaro got on his knees this time sobbing tears of joy. "There IS justice in the world." He jokingly commented.
Karkat: NO THERE IS NOT.
But then he immediately froze in terror when he saw Naru's glare turn towards himself.
"Keitaroooo…" Naru cracked her knuckles as she approached, whereupon the manager resumed his fetal position.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHH!" he began to scream.
The ensuing pummeling lasted for 20 extremely painful minutes, as Naru further proved Keitaro's immortality with a verity of blunt objects. About 12 minutes into the beating, Suu got up and turned to Hiruka.
"Hey old lady? Are you gonna stop her at some point?" she quipped.
"Nah." Hiruka continued her deadpan stare. "It's best to get it out of her system while she has the chance. Cuz' these next few days aren't going to be pretty." Then her eyes shifted to the wide-eyed girl standing next to her. "Oh, and call me Hiruka-san."
------------------------------
Wow, 53 pages of text, 6 chapters, and nearly 20,000 words!
And that's just the first story arc.
Karkat: AND THANKFULLY, THE LAST STORY ARC. THE AUTHOR HASN'T PUBLISHED A CHAPTER SINCE 2009.
Jake: Quite a shame, too. It was just starting to get interesting.
Sorry it took so long! ;)
------------------------------
Dave: well look on the bright side. maybe we can guess what the author was going to do next based on the episode preview.
Next Episode Preview
{Show Warhammer 40k manual}
FLONNE: In the grim darkness of the far future, there is only war!
LAHARL: Cool!
{Show a Space Marine fighting an Ork with a chainsaw sword-guitar-ax-sword-cannon-sword-laser-sword}
FLONNE: As the Imperium of Man continues its campaign of galactic xenocide, the Orks prepare for "Operation: Crush All Humies"!
LAHARL: Sounds good to me.
{Show picture of Flonne singing on a concert stage as a crowd mixed with Space Marines, Elder, Orks, and Tau cheers her on.}
FLONNE: Can the power of music and the love of a pure-hearted demon bring peace to the galaxy?
LAHARL: Wait… What?
EVERY WARHAMMER 40K FAN EVER: {Sweatdrop}
{Show another picture of Flonne with a microphone}
FLONNE: Tune in next time, for "Warhammer 39,997: Galactic Singer-Girl Flonne"!
PRINNY: Don't we get enough of this already, Dood?
------------------------
Jake: Well that was certainly interesting, a humorous take on the end of the world spliced with a classic harem comedy. What do you think about it, Karkat?
Karkat: WHAT DO I THINK? YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I THINK? THAT IDIOT OF AN AUTHOR TOOK THE ONLY HUMAN TV SHOW THAT I CAN WATCH WITHOUT THROWING UP AND BUTCHERS IT WITH A NONSENSICAL PLOT, POOR ATTEMPTS AT HUMOR AND CHARACTER DERAILMENT FOR EVERY SOULCALIBER CHARACTER.
Dave: youre being too hard on it. i thought there were some genuinely funny parts.
Karkat: MAYBE FOR YOU, BUT TO ME THE WORLD ENDS WITH YOU PARTS ARE THE ONLY HALFWAY DECENT PARTS. AND EVEN THEN THEY'RE INFREQUENT, SILLY, AND RELY TOO MUCH ON KNOWING THE GAME'S MYTHOLOGY. THE AUTHOR CLEARLY HAD NO IDEA HOW TO PLAN A STORY, WHO HE WAS WRITING FOR, OR EVEN HOW TO WRITE, PERIOD. WHY IF I EVER GET MY HANDS ON... THE PRODUCER?!?
Dave: what. let me see that... holy crap. our producer was the one who wrote this?
Edrobot: Indeed I am.
Jake: I must say, this room is getting rather crowded. How did you get here anyway?
Edrobot: I fell through a plot hole. But that's not important.
Karkat: WHAT THE HELL, ED?! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU WROTE THIS?!
Edrobot: I admit I was young and foolish. I just saw Love Hina, just finished playing TWEWY, and I wanted to write a story about them. I wasn't trying to write a badfic, but in my heart I knew I was writing a very stupid story. I'm actually surprised about how well it turned out.
Jake: Any plans to finish it?
Edrobot: Not as it currently stands, though at one point I considered a "reboot" where the Love Hina characters were heroes in a traditional superhero setting.
Dave: So why make us read it?
Edrobot: I dunno. I guess I figured that someday, someone was going to dig this fic up and use it to blackmail me, so I might as well make fun of it now while I have the chance.
Jake: That's awfully paranoid of you.
Edrobot: Oh shut up. Karkat, please disable the bombs so we can get out of here.
Karkat: FINE, YOU'RE FREE TO GO, EVERYONE...
Pinkie: Yay! Freedom! Now I need to invite everyone to our "earned our freedom party"! ^0^
Dave: just remember to invite pon-3 this time. shes kinda cool. you know. for a pony.
Jake: And i need to use the washroom, i've been holding in for far longer than i wish to discuss. Cheerio!
Caliborn: FOOLISH MORTAL! YOU KNOW NOT WHAT YOu HAVE RELEASED UPON THIS PLANET! I WILL BuRN YOUR CITIES TO THE GROuND! ALL SHALL TREMBLE BEFORE THE MIGHT OF-
Edrobot: *whack*
Karkat: THANK YOU.
Edrobot: No problem. Now I have to get out of here before Hussie finds me again. *bullet whizzes past Edrobot's head* whoops, too late. Gotta run! Oh, and remember you're doing Homestuck High again next week!
Karkat: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
Best plottwist ever.
ReplyDelete'nuff said.