Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 7



Episode 7
Burston's Sorrow

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Jake: Today we'll be taking a quick break from homestuck high to look at burston's sorrow, a disney/pokemon crossover about goofy's son burston.

Dave: i know i haven't seen a disney movie in years, but i thought his name was max.

Jake: Well yes, but this is an alternate continuity.

Karkat: THAT'S YOUR GO-TO EXCUSE FOR EVERYTHING, ISN'T IT?

Jake: And your point is?



Goofy sip his mocha angry.

Dave: i had no idea that starbucks sold angrys. let alone mocha angrys.

That damn detective knew about his weakess. Now he might have to kill himself. 

Karkat: "YES, I WILL KILL MYSELF IN ORDER TO HIDE MY WEAKNESS TO KEEP THAT DETECTIVE FROM USING THAT WEAKNESS TO KILL ME!" HOW DOES THIS MAKE SENSE AGAIN?

Dave: what i want to know is what he put in that angry hes drinking.

He had moleste 7 (seven) banks in the tri-county area. 

Karkat: MOLESTING BANKS? IS THAT A "THING" HUMANS HAVE? BECAUSE TEREZI MADE ME SIT THROUGH WHO KNOWS HOW MANY EPISODES OF LAW AND ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT, AND HONESTLY I WOULDN'T PUT IT PAST SOME OF YOU WHACKJOBS TO GET A BONER FROM THAT.

He took out his revolver. It was 1984 garnad. 

Dave: i might not be a gun enthusiast but a quick search on wikipedia says that gun doesnt exist.

Jake: *Rubs chin thoughtfully* ...Hmm. You may be right Strider, but I believe more research is in order before we can be definitive on this matter. For now though, let us assume that this is a fictional weapon invented by the author in order to flesh out the setting.

Karkat: YOU GUYS REALLY NEED TO FIND A NEW HOBBY.

Dave: look whos talking.

He pointed toward his face and shot. as the bullet his brain he thought about the banks. He stole there innocense. 

Jake: By jove, i've got it! "Banks" must be weird future slang for "Children"! That means this story takes place in a dystopian future with it's own set of slang, in the vein of anthony burgess' seminal novel "a clockwork orange". A book that inspired not one, but two movie adaptations; Stanly Kubrick's movie of the same name, and andy warhol's vinyl.

Dave: you only know about that last one because oancitizen covered it.

Jake: Noooooo shut up you ignoramus, you lieeeeee!

'if i could be a bettr pokemon trainer,,," he thought. 

Karkat: ...WHAT DOES POKEMON HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

Jake: Oh, uh... its a metaphor.

Karkat: A METAPHOR?

Jake: Yes... it represents... the human condition beacuse... reasons.

Dave: face it dude. youve lost your touch.

Jake: Indeed i have! *begins to sob uncontrollably* My intellectual persona is but a construct used to mask my self-loathing! Now that the mask has been removed, i have been revealed as what i truely am; a scared little boy struggling to understand the world around him! I am but a speck in the grande tapestry of the universe! Agony! Oh agony!

His son burston yelled at his corpse DAD NO YOU BITCH

Karkat: NOW WHO'SE GOING TO PAY FOR MY EMO GOTH RECORDS?

Jake: Alas, all the material possession in the world cannot fill the gaping void that is my soul! Oh woe is me!

Dave: youre not helping karkat.

Karkat: OKAY FINE, SEESH. I'LL FIND SOME WAY TO CALM THE POOR KID DOWN.

At his funferal dolnald said to burston 'he was a good type of man'.

'u can't understand meeeeeeee!' screamed burston ayn rand to the town.

Karkat: HEY SMARTASS. AYN RAND IS ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE YOU INTELLECTUAL TYPES KNOW ABOUT, RIGHT? WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME A LECTURE ABOUT HOW SHE'S SO GREAT OR WHATEVER.

Jake: *springs up onto his feet* At last a chance for redemption! *ahem* ayn rand was a russian born philosopher, known for inventing "objectivsm". Objectivism is a philosophical system that (among other things) said that one's ultimate goal should be the pursuit of one's own self-interest. Ayn belived that the best social system to encompass this philosophy involved full respect for individual rights and "laissez faire capitalism" (that is, free trade unfettered by laws and regulations). You may be familiar with this system thanks to the 2007 video game bioshock, which critiqued objectivsm by depicting an underwater city constructed as an "objectivist paradise" fallen onto hard times thanks to internal corruption and the consiqenses of an unbound human ego. Anyway, ayn wrote several novels that promoted objectivist thought, most famously Atlas Shrugged and The Fountainhead, which were both critized for-

Karkat: GET TO THE POINT! WHAT DOES SHE HAVE TO DO WITH THIS STORY?!

Jake: Nothing much. I think the author just made an innocent typo.

Dave: well at least he's back to normal.

There was a linkin park concert wich was his favorite liked the music but he did not feel better.

Dave: i dont think a band that writes songs like "bleed it out" and "in the end" is what youd call "feel good music".

his dad shot hims face and let him alone.

Karkat: ...SO DID GOOFY COME BACK FROM THE GRAVE AND SHOOT HIM?

he went home and listen to slipknot and cut himself.

Dave: spoiler alert. burston has issues.

His mom said do not be sad be an awsome pokemon. 'no you whore' shouted burston; and went to his car.

Jake: I've always found the drama surrounding a dysfunctional family to be quite facinating. Don't you agree dave?

Dave: indeed. this dialogue is absolutely riveting. there is so much emotion put into burston that i dont think i can cry any longer.

he drove the 90 (ninety) miles and shot a gun as well.

Karkat: HOW HE WASN'T ARRESTED FOR THIS WE'LL NEVER KNOW.

He would be an awesom pokemon trainer. He took out his pokemon and thru them at the ground. the awresome pokemon came out and saw he was sad. He had wabbafet, squirtle, dialgia, palkia, chimchar and darkshadow which was at hot topic.

Dave: he must be using a gameshark.

Burstno took the pokemon to a forest and collided up a tree. at the tree there was a pokemon. he fell down into a hole.

Karkat: EPIC FAIL.

There was the band suicide silence and all there pokemon. 'Burston we will hlp you be an awesome trainer and a heero!!!!'they said.

Dave: beacuse as we all know goff bands just love helping kids train pokemon.

Karkat: ...WASN'T THIS SUPPOSED TO BE A DISNEY FIC?

they trained pokemon for an hour until the tournament.

At there was a really fuckin big fight and they all fought and burston wrote a song.

Karkat: I CALL THIS ONE "ODE TO MY ETERNAL SUFFERING HOT TOPIC SUICIDE".

Dave: awww yeah. now we just need to become vampires and those preps wont know what hit em.

Burston killed the dialgia by punching it really hard. The other pokemon saaid SKEEEEEE but thurston said 'go back to work motherfockers!'

Dave: he killed a legendary pokemon just by punching it?

Jake: Well dialga is weak to fighting-types, so i guess its not that much of a stretch.

Burston won the fight and killed every pokemon.

Karkat: NOT THAT WE GET TO SEE IT, MIND YOU.

He was an awesome trainer and he killed his hhiilary duff and a rabbit.

Dave: yay???

DETECTIVE

Dave: i think thats supposed to be shitty author speak for the end.

Jake: Well that was certainly interesting. 

Karkat: THE NICEST THING I CAN SAY ABOUT THIS IS THAT AT LEAST IT KEPT MY ATTENTION.

Dave: hey this might be a little late for me to mention this but why arnt i in the title card?

Karkat: BECAUSE I'M THE MOST POPULAR CHARACTER EVER AND YOU'RE JUST RIDING ON MY COATTAILS.

Dave: looks like youre getting "youre" and "im" confused again.

Jake: Actually the real reason is that the producer couldn't think of anywhere to put you. Then again you had your own forum adventure once; maybe he's just gotten a bit sick of drawing you?

Dave: that reminds me. when is he going to update infiknights and tokyo avengers??

Jake: Well...

Edrobot: Ohlookatthetimeiguessyoucantanswerthatquestion! Good night everybody!


DETECTIVE

2 comments:

  1. Autocorrect is a thing, use it please.

    Hey look! A link to something OTHER than youtube! Unfortunately it’s to ‘that guy with the glasses’, who is not that much better.

    And there goes Jake, plummeting off of the cliff and into the murky seas of which Caliborn sails his ship upon.

    Well at least Karkat and Dave recognize why they were chosen for this ‘series’; it’s certainly not because you’re good at writing them.

    HAHAHAHA SELF-INSERTS ARE ALWAYS HILARIOUS HAHAHAHAHAHA FOURTH WALL BREAKING AHAHAHAHA.

    Karkat has gotten to the point where he uses no metaphors and is completely uncreative in his insults, and Dave is less ‘irony seriousness long-strewn out metaphors rapping’ and more ‘hey guys sup sup im gonna make references to things that are totally funny and popular. oh by the way i use punctuation now???’. Jake is… Jake is long gone, I’m not sure if he will ever recover.

    Everything else is what I've covered in previous reviews.

    ReplyDelete
  2. ... well, I enjoyed it! :D

    ReplyDelete