Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 2

Episode 2

Homestuck High Part 2

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Karkat Vantas: -UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

Dave Strider: dude. you seriously need to calm down.

Jake English: I quite agree. While your voluminous lungh capacity is quite impressive, your reaction is way out of line.

Karkat Vantas: OUT OF LINE?! THAT AUTHOR KILLED ME OFFSCREEN! THAT INSULT COULDN'T HAVE BEEN MORE PERSONAL EVEN IF THE AUTHOR HAD CALLED THIS STORY "ONE MILLION REASONS WHY KARKAT SUCKS"! HOW DID YOU EXPECT ME TO REACT?!

Dave: well for one thing your not actually dead.

Karkat: NO SHIT, SHERLOCK. WHAT AMAZING DISCOVERY ARE YOU GOING TO COME UP WITH NEXT?

Dave: i mean in the story. the you in the story is still alive. sort of.

Jake: Indeed! The author is utilizing the age-old tactic of the "misleading cliffhanger", wherein a cliffhanger presented at the end of a previous episodic installment is immediately resolved. The idea is to create a surrealistic atmosphere via plot contrivances!

Karkat: THAT MAKES NO SENSE!

Jake: Which is exactly what the reaction the author was going for! It keeps the audience on their toes.

Karkat: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Dave: okay jake i think karkats had enough avant garde shit for one day. lets get get back on track here before he murders someone.

Karkat: YES PLEASE.

hi guys this is chapter 2. i finished chapter 1 a while back b4 my other beta reder got busy wit school since she didnt start then so now my otherfriend said shed beta it insted. ITS A LOT BETTER NOW THNK U SO MUUUUUCH CAROLYN UR A BETTER EDITER THAN JANE.

Karkat: I DON'T KNOW HOW IT'S POSSIBLE BUT SOMEHOW THE SPELLING GOT EVEN WORSE THIS TIME AROUND. HOW CAN YOU THINK OF THIS STORY AS ANYTHING OTHER THAN PUTRID SUCKFILTH WHEN THE "EDITER" DIDN'T EVEN SPELLED HER OWN NAME RIGHT!?

Jake: Keep in mind that the spelling of words didn't even start being consistent until samuel johnson published "a dictionary of the english language" in the mid-1700's. In fact it's quite flabbergasting that we have consistent, widely agreed-upon spellings at all!

Karkat: WHY IS IT THAT ALL MY ATTEMPTS AT DRILLING LOGIC INTO YOUR THINKPAN LEAD INTO IRRELEVANT HISTORY LESSONS?!

Jake: Well for one thing you seem to be awfuly fond of the Socratic method, a form of inquery and debate in which parties that share opposing viewpoints ask each other a series of questions in order to stimulate critical thinking. It was invented by the Greek philosopher Socraties, who first outlined the method in...

Karkat: SARCASM, Y U NO UNDERSTAND?

Everyone went to teh hospitl to see Karkat. He was in a comma.

Dave: must have been really cramped in there.

Karkat: I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO DIGNIFY THAT WITH A REMARK.

Dave: you just did.

Karkat: *DAMN IT*!

Everyone was crying, even Dave was crying a little bit because he and Karkat were best frends.

Dave: okay now i know this is a work of fiction.

Karkat: FINALLY, SOMETHING WE CAN AGREE ON.

They did lots of things togther (AN: no gay stuff tho! thats gross!) 

Karkat: WHY IS THAT EVEN REMOTELY A POSSIBILITY?! 

Jake: Well you of all people should know that alternian romance is asexual and consists of four different kinds of romance, one of which is founded on mutual hate. And since you clearly seem to hate Strider...

Karkat: WHAT? NO!

Dave: dude. i dont know what kind of wierd hate fetishes you guys have but u gotta understand that im just not into you.

Karkat: IT'S NOT LIKE A HUMAN FETISH DAMN IT! KISMESISSITUDE IS MORE COMPLICATED THAN-

Jake: So you do like him then!

Karkat: IF IT WILL GET YOU TO SHUT UP, THEN YES. I AM MADLY IN LOVE WITH HIM AND WOULD LIKE NOTHING MORE THAN TO BE SWALLOWED BY HIS MANLY EMBRACE. 

Dave: allright you two. pay up.

Nepeta: :33 < *emerges from her hiding spot and hands the stoic young man a boonbuck* That was absolutely purrfect.

Calliope: i woUld say we got oUr money's worth. ^u^

Karkat: WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON?

Calliope: we were playing shipping chart bingo, when strider here made a bet Us that he coUld get yoU to admit yoUr romantic feeling for him :U. needless to say he sUceeded beyond oUr wildest expectations!!!!!!!!!!!

Nepeta: :33 < everyones gay for strider!

Calliope: woUld you mind if we stuck aroUnd for a bit longer? we get doUble points if yoU end Up sharing sloppy makoUts.

Karkat: THIS STORY IS STUPID ENOUGH WITHOUT FANGIRLS AND THEIR SHIPPING CHARTS! *OUT*! *OUT*!

Nepeta: :33 < come on! let's s33 if we can get naruto to make out with the nostalgia critic! *leaves*

Calliope: Ooh! That soUnds promising! wait for me!

Karkat:...LET US NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN.

Dave: agreed.

and so he was upset Karkat would try and do this to himself.

Karkat: HONESTLY I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY I WOULD WANT TO KILL MYSELF EITHER UNTILL ABOUT FIVE SECONDS AGO.

"Is he gonna be allright" John inquisisted the doctor

Jake: In case the metaphor didn't tip you off, this chapter is an obvious allegory to the inquisition of the knights templar. Egbert here represetns pope clement v.

Dave: because nobody expects the egbert inquisition.

"If it wasnt for you kids he wouldnt be" the doctor said

Jake: The doctor here represents king Phillip of France, who is now pressuring john (aka pope clement v) into disbanding the templars by reminding him of the pope's debt to france, while rose represents the whore of babylon from the book of revelations, signifying the end of an era.

"So he is going to be okay?" Dave weeped

Jake: Dave represents the french citizenry, who were justly outraged that the knights templar, guardians of all that was holy for the last 200 years, were being accused of such heinous crimes as idolatry, homosexuality, and ritualistic murder. 

"He will suffer amnesiea and may never walk again" the doctor solemnly said.

Jake: Now king phillip (i.e. the doctor) is passing sentence to karkat, who represents jaques de molay and by extension the Templar order itself.

"NO!" Dave escalated loudly

Jake: Seeing this injustice, the citizens are up in arms against the royalty! Sadly, the revolution won't actually come for another 400 years.

John and Rose were waiting outside. Rose was very upset. She dated Karkat when she was younger and she lost her virginity to him. He was her first love and she never really gog over him.

Karkat: WAIT I THOUGHT YOU SAID THAT ROSE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A VIRGIN! IF YOU'RE GOING TO SPOUT BULLSHIT AT LEAST MAKE IT CONSISTENT WITH YOUR OTHER BULLSHIT!

Jake: Ah but you see, since Rose is the sadist of the bdsm relationship, she would naturally prefer sexual intercourse with someone in agony. Thus she lost her virginity to karkat while he was on the brink of death.

Dave: ew.

Karkat: YOU ARE NOT HELPING ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT THIS STORY!

"I cant believe he would do this hes so emo" Rose moaned

"I am sorry!" John proclaimed

Jake: ...Just as pope clement v no doubt proclaimed when he sentenced his good friend to be burned at stake!

"John" Rose said seductivley "Can u take my mind off it"

John gulped. He knew what Rose wanted but he wasnt sure if he was ready for it yet. Rose was a sex goddess and he was a geek who never got less than 100 perfect in any lessons. But he had no scores in the sex department.

Dave: get it?? beacuse john is supposed to be geeky.

Karkat: THE ONLY REASON WHY THAT WOULD BE EVEN REMOTELY FUNNY IS BECAUSE THE THINKPAN OF ANYONE WHO READS THIS WOULD BE SO BROKEN THAT  THEY'D LAUGH AT ANYTHING TO NUMB THE PAIN.

"Rose" John pronounced "I do not think now is the right time!"

"U want to wait?" Rose raised her eyebbrow

"I want are first time to be specil" John announced

"Ok" Rose said moodily.

Dave: dont you just love how realistic these relationships are?

Five days later Karkat woke up from his coma and everyone came to pick him up. Dave was very happy his friend was awake and brought along cheetos and pepsi to celebrate. 

Dave: no faygo in a homestuck story? this chapter automatically gets an f minus minus in my book.

Karkat: ACTUALLY I'M KIND OF RELIEVED THAT WE ARN'T HEARING MORE FROM GAMZEE.

The girls had been to thhe beach and so they were in their bikinis. 

Karkat: NICE SHOWING SOME RESTRAINT THERE.

Rose was wearing a lethar tight string thang bikini which showed of her private areas while Jade wore a black lacey one with a 'D' over her left boob becase she loved Dave.

Karkat: GEE I WONDER WHO JADE WILL BE PAIRED UP WITH?

Jake: It's called "foreshadowing", vantas. 

Karkat: NO, IT'S CALLED 'BROADCASTING YOUR EVERY FUCKING PLOT TWIST HOURS AHEAD OF TIME'. IF WE KNOW HOW IT'S GOING TO END WHY BOTHER READING FURHTER?

Jake: Beacuse then we'd miss out on all the character development!

Dave: you keep using that word. i dont think it means what you think it means.

"He is suffering with severe head tramaur" the doctor said shakily "he does not remember his name!"

Everyone gasped.

Karkat: HE JUST SAID I HAD AMNESIA SO WHY DID HE- YOU KNOW WHAT, SCREW IT. I'LL JUST STAY QUIET AND LET THIS STORY RUN IT'S COURSE. THERE'S NO WAY IT CAN GET DUMBER THAN THIS.

"No! Karkat!" Dave discharged

"Who is Karkat my name is Tarvos" Karkat said questioninly

Karkat: NO.

"He can no longer walk either he must go in a wheelchair" said doctor We do not know if he will recover

Karkat: HELL. FUCKING. NO.

"How could this happen" Gamzee shot "All he want was to be normal"

Karkat: AND THEN GAMZEE'S BULLET PASSED THROUGH MY HEART AND EVERYTHING BEYOND THIS WAS A WILD DYING DREAM OF MINE. THE END!

Jake: Smashing! You came up with the same theory i did! You're really getting into this, sir vantas!

Karkat: OH HELLO WALL, WOULD YOU MIND IF I SMASHED MY HEAD AGAINST YOU FOR A FEW HOURS? K' THANKS.

They all left the hospital and Karkat was rolling himself happily while everyone was crying they had lost one of their best freinds and school would no longer be the same how were they supposed to hang around with him now he was in awheelchar.

To lighten the mood they decided to go to mcdonnalds and so they all went there and ordered burgers and chips and chicken nuggest for everyone to eat except for vriska who ate the napkins instead.

Karkat: *WHUMP* *WHUMP* *WHUMP* *WHUMP*

Jake: Is he going to be okay?

Dave: yeah. he does this all the time.

"Golly I REALLY like these chicken nuggets" Karkat happily said

Karkat: OH SO NOW IM BACK TO BEING KARKAT AGAIN. THANKS A LOT SHITTY PLOT TWIST.

undyingUmbrage: DID SOMEBODY SAY "SHITTY PLOT TWIST"???????????

Dave: get out of here.

undyingUmbrage: YOu WILL RuE THE DAY YOu MESSED WITH ME, NAPOLEON, FOR I AM ACTuALLY THE KING OF ENGLAND! BLIMEY WANKING BuGGER GOD SAVE THE QuEEN HA AH AH AH AH AH AH AHA!

Karkat: CALLIOPE NEEDS TO STAY OUT OF GAMZEE'S SOPOR STASH. HER BROTHER IS *WIERD* WHEN SHE'S HIGH ON THAT STUFF.

Dave: hey. at least this time he didn't murder us.

"Karkat..." Dave began "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM."

"My name is Tarvos! Not Karkat!" Karkat exclamated. He smashed the chicken nugget down on 

undyingUmbrage: RETuRN OF THE SHITTY PLOT TWIST!!!!!!!!!!!

Dave: okay dude i think its time you take a nap.

undyingUmbrage: KINGS DON'T NEED SLEEP! THEY NEED SEAFOOD! I HEREBY PROCLAIM THAT ALL THE WINKELS IN THE LAND BELONG TO THE CROWN!

Nepeta: :33 < okay mister king! time for you to catch your appointment! dreamland won't invade itself after all!

undyingUmbrage: YES, QuEEN VICTORIA! WITH YOUR HELP, BARON MAuCHAUSEN WON'T KNOW WHAT HIT HIM! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

the table and squished it like a bug as he looked at the floor. He was ANGRY.

Gamzee sighed "I guess we shall call him Tarvos"

"YAY" Karkat, now Tarvos sang explendidly.

Pinkie Pie: Did somebody start singing without me?

Karkat: NO! WE HAVE ENOUGH TROUBLE WITH CANON CHARACTERS INTERRUPTING US! WE'D BE HERE ALL DAY IF WE LET PEOPLE FROM OTHER FANDOMS JOIN IN! OUT! OUUUUT!

"These napkins taste like piss" Vriska snooted as she gobbled one up.

Karkat: SO WHY DO YOU KEEP EATING THEM!?

"I used that one to wipe myself after I peed..." Jade whimpered.

Dave: yeah that makes perfect sense.

"Ok" Vriska said, munching away.

Karkat: YOU PEOPLE ARE DISGUSTING!

Dave: actually its a little known fact but spiders have been known to eat dog piss when pray is scarce. 

Karkat: REALLY?

Dave: no. but good luck trying to convince jake otherwise now.

Jake: Dog piss... brilliant! That adds a whole other level to this story's depth! I must inform the public about this!

"When did you go to pee" Rose asked curiously

Jade looked down at the floor while fiddling with his black lace panties "When you all weren't looking...I..I needed to take a pregnancy test."

"WHAT!" everyone but Feferi exclaimed because she was too cool

Karkat: OH YEAH I ALMOST FORGOT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THERE. IT'S BEEN WHAT, TWO CHAPTERS WITHOUT YOU SAYING ANYTHING?

Dave: you i just realized... everyone is exactly out of character. i mean it would normally be completely in character for feferi to be a ditzy airhead like everyone else but somehow the author decided that shed be the cool one. 

Jake: You see where I'm getting at! Motherfucking genius!

Dave: yeah. its the plan nine from outer space of homestuck fanfic.

Jake: Ooh! That's one of my favorite movies!

Dave: of course it is.

"Dave..." Jade began "I AM PREGNANT!
undyingUmbrage: SHITTY TWIST WITH A VENGEANCE!!!!!!!!!!! NOW COME, MARIE CuRIE, THE MOONMEN ARN'T GOING TO DISEMBOWL THEMSELVES AFTER ALL!!!!!!!!!!!

Pinkie: Okie dokie lokey! Onward to Amsterdam!

Nepeta: :33 < *begins making train noises while calliopes brother rides the miniature pink horse*

Karkat: ...IF YOU EXCUSE ME, I HAVE SOME PRIMAL SCREAMS I NEED TO BE DOING.

Dave: okay. same time tomorrow?

Karkat: ...WHATEVER.