Sunday, July 8, 2012

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000

I feel like doing something a little out of the ordinary today, so I decided to write something where I pretend that fictional characters are making fun of bad fanfiction.

Allow me to present...

Episode 1 
Homestuck High Part 1
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JAKE ENGLISH: Good evening chaps! *smokes a bubble pipe* I consider myself quite the connoisseur when it comes to motion pictures. But one of the few things i enjoy more than a rousing weekend at bernies is a good romp down the worldwide interweb in search of new works of fan fiction. Unfortunately not everyone shares these opinions. Most in fact would refer to such works as "cheapside drivel" "a disgrace to penny dreadfuls" or even "unpublishable bullshit". To a regular reader of fan published work this is quite bamboozing as the stuff i have read has been nothing but top quality entertainment! Since i hate to see one of my hobbies unjustly slandered i have made it my duty to enlighten the uninformed public about the wonders of fan fiction! And what else should we start with but my favorite work in the whole goddamn world? "homestuck high" (as the folks call it) is a ripsnorting tale seeped in the supernatural, and based on the world famous internet graphic novel known as Homestuck (which i might add i am a character in). Now without further ado let us dive into this literary masterpiece and 

KARKAT VANTAS: OH HELL NO! HELL! FUCKING! NO!

JAKE: Oh, Vantas. *rolls eyes* Are you here to pester me with another one of your cockamamie rantings? Perhaps to persuade me that this story is a pile of rubbish?

KARKAT: HOW CAN YOU THINK OF THAT MISRIBLE PILE OF LAMINATED THINKPAN EXCREMENT AS ANYTHING BUT AN ABOMINATION OF THE WRITTEN WORD?
JAKE: Tut tut, don't be so dismissive. It's like that old saying "you cant' judge a book by it's cover" except the other way around.

KARKAT: YEAH. YOU TOTALLY SOLD ME RIGHT THERE WITH THAT WITTY RHETORIC OF YOURS.


JAKE: I am most serious! This story might not be the most grammatically correct of yarns, but it's got a fuckton of depth to it! 

KARKAT: I'LL BET.

JAKE: Not to mention character development!

KARKAT: UH-HUNH.

JAKE: And plenty of sloppy makeouts!


KARKAT: RIIIIGHT. I'LL BELIEVE IT WHEN I SEE IT.

JAKE: So you'll stay then?

KARKAT: OF COURSE I'M GOING TO STAY, DUMBASS. I MEAN WHO ELSE IS GOING TO WARN IDIOTS KNOW HOW TERRIBLE THIS THING IS IF YOU KEEP GUSHING OVER IT.

JAKE: Jolly good! Shall I begin then, mister vantas?

KARKAT: SURE. SEE WHAT I CARE.

hi guys this is my first fanfic i RLY hope u all enjoy it im riting it on notpad but mi frend beta red it 4 me! HEHE HOMESTUCK FOREVER!

KARKAT: YEAH RIGHT FROM THE START I CAN SEE HOW THIS IS GOING TO TURN OUT. THAT "FREND" OF YOUR YOURS IS DOING A REALLY GREAT JOB, MORON.

JAKE: Actually i find the intro to be quite charming. It give the works a whole a bit of a rustic "down-home" flavor, if you will.


The spring fling was next week and John didn't have a date. He realy liked Rose however. He had liked her sence second grade when she bit his arm and broke his glasses and made him cry

KARKAT: I ADMIT I DON'T REALLY "GET" UNDERSTAND HUMAN ROMANCE, BUT EVEN I KNOW THAT'S NOT HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO WORK.


JAKE: *Sighs, and rolls eyes.* Oh karkat, you're missing the point entirely. By establishing the meathod by which Rose and John met he implies that their relationship is a metaphor for bdsm, which ties into the work's overall theme of exploring humanity's darker nature.

KARKAT: OH GOG MY THINKPAN! REDICULOUS IMAGE IS NEVER GOING TO LEAVE MY HEAD AS LONG AS I LIVE! BY WHAT BRAINMELTING TRAIN OF THOUGHT DID YOU COME SUCH A REDIUCLOUS CONCLUSION?!

JAKE: Well i-

KARKAT: NEVER MIND DON'T ANSWER THAT. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

He took his books out of his locker and seen Rose walking towards him. He got REALY nervous and began to sweat.

"Hi rose" he said blankly

"What do you want loser" she replied coldly

JAKE: Ah, young love!

KARKAT: ...WE'RE READING THE SAME STORY HERE, RIGHT?

"I wanted to know if you wanted to go to the dance with me?" John said

"Ok" Rose said "But if someone hotter than you asks me then im gonna go with them"

"Thats ok" John said


KARKAT: WOW, WHAT A DIPWAD. IF YOU'RE THAT EASY TO PUSH AROUND NO WONDER SHE'D TAKE SOMEONE BETTER.

JAKE: Ah, but you forget that their relationship is a metaphor for a bdsm relationship. The more she rejects and berates him the more he falls madly in love! A tragic romance to be sure...

Just then the schools goth kid Gamzee came up to talk to them.

"Hey rose" Gamzee seed "I like totally love your hair, wed look amazing together at the spring flarp next week. YoU should go with me."

"I just asked her you goth freak" John proclamed loudly!

JAKE: The plot thickens as john is confronted by a romantic rival! 


"Well your no god for rose. Rose is a beauty like no other rose could compare. I deserve to go with her more than yu do!"

JAKE: No doubt this is an intentional reference to one of Shakespear's more famous quotations from Romeo and Juliet. Such references really help one understand this work's connection to the greater literary body.

KARKAT: QUIT KIDDING YOURSELF, WE BOTH KNOW HE JUST GOOGLE FOR THE FIRST SMART-SOUNDING THING HE COULD FIND SO HE COULD SHOW HIS LUSUS THAT HE'S NOT A COMPLETE FUCKING MORON.

JAKE: Of course! *snaps fingers* The story is meant to parralel to his own family life! Vantas, you're a genius!

KARKAT: SO WHY DO I FEEL SO STUPID RIGHT NOW?

"OMG u guys" Rose describbed looking from John to Hamzee "Why don't u both take me to the spring fling next week? We could be a threesome"

KARKAT: NEVER MIND EVERYONE PROBLEM SOLVED. SORRY YOU DIDN'T GET TO SEE THE RITUALISTIC JUGGALO DEATHMATCH THAT YOU ALL WERE HOPING WOULD HAPPEN.

"Ok" John and Gamzee agreed in unicons.

JAKE: And now he's mythological metaphors to extend the work's scope! That's bloody fucking geinus!


KARKAT: THAT'S NOT IMPRESSIVE. THAT'S JUST A COINCIDENCE.

JAKE: Is it? According to medivel texts the unicorn could only be tamed by a virgin, so by making gamzee and John agree inside unicorns the author is implying that Rose is using her status as a virgin to control them.


KARKAT: THEN IT'S A BIG COINCIDENCE. BUT NOTHING I SAY WILL CONVINCE YOU OTHERWISE SO LET'S JUST KEEP GOING.


On the weekend Rose went shopping with Jade and Ferrari to pick a dress.

KARKAT: AND I BET THE'LL BE JUST AS INTERESTING AS THESE LOSERS.

They got ready together at jades house. Rose was wearing a mini length lether tight dress which came up to her knees like one of those pencil skrits and it hugged her small frame tightly. It had no straps and it was held up by her boobies.

KARKAT: WHAT IS WITH HUMANS AND THEIR OBSESSION WITH THE LUMPS OF FAT ON THEIR CHEST?

JAKE: Psychologists actually have many explanations for the development of fetishes. Some, for instance that they begin to form in the-

KARKAT: SHUT UP I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO ACTUALLY ANSWER THAT.

It was bright green and it showed of her clevers. She bought knee high leather black boots that had riddles in them and were for inches high off the ground with a pointy toe. She wore her hair up in a kinda messy bun with her bangs just bellow her eyebros. She was wearing thick black eyeliner and bright red lipstick. She was also wearing a fake tan.

JAKE: Clearly this is a reference to Japan's "ganguro" fashion. As we all know, japan is a land of sexual repression and paradoxically extreme fetishism. So by associating rose with this fashion trend, the author uses her as a vehical to examine Japanese society.

KARKAT: OR MAYBE THE AUTHOR HAS NO TASTE AND A SHITTY IMAGINATION.

"OMG u look so hot rose I would totally wanna sex you" Jade said as she smacked Rose's ass.

DAVE: wait nevermind. this story has lesbiens in it so that automatically makes it anime.

KARKAT: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!

DAVE: i dunno. being bored and stuff. you guys reading homestuck high???

JAKE: Quite! And we're having a smashing good time with it.

KARKAT: MAYBE *YOU* ARE...

DAVE: oh wow. i havent read this thing in ages. it's like, if my immortal is the bible of shitty fan fiction this is like the chronicles of fucking narnia or something.

JAKE: Ah, i see you are a man of good taste!

DAVE: i guess you could say that.

JAKE: In that case, why not join us in our frivolities? Surely we could partake in one more reader...

KARKAT: OH PLEASE YES, I WANT TO SPREAD THIS MISERY TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE.

DAVE: okay cool. so where were we???

"you look hot too Jade, I bet Dave will want to sex you to" Rose described

"Do u think so?" she blushed "Im a virgin though"

"Don't worry he likes virgins" Ferrari said "Vriska told me"

KARKAT: AND AS WE ALL KNOW VRISKA IS THE MOST TRUSTWORTHY PERSON ON THE PLANET.

"OMG Vriskas slept with Dave!" 

DAVE: dont worry ladies. theres enough of me to go around.

Jade ejaculated

JAKE: This represents-

KARKAT: *NO* *NO* *NO* *NO* *NO* *NO*!


DAVE: seriously dude. that's a line we don't cross.

"Yea, but he didn't like it because she wasn't a virgin" Ferrari conjured

"Oh ok" Jade countered

KARKAT: GLAD THAT GOT RESOLVED IN THREE SECONDS FLAT. THE SUSPENSE WAS JUST *KILLING* ME.

JAKE: Me too! I was on the edge of my seat wondering how the pair would ever get together with such an insurmountable obstacle ahead of them!

KARKAT: ...OF COURSE YOU WERE.

They all went to the party and everyone was there. 

DAVE: beacuse setting the scene and introducing us to other character are for losers.

Everyone danced with one another and the lights were flickering between all different colours. All the differnt clicks were dancing together and it was realy good. Dave ended up taking Jade early and Roze gave her a wink but Vriska was jealousy. She want Dave for herself and didnt like them together.

JAKE: And so a new player enters our little love triangle...

KARKAT: BET YOU A BOONBUCK THAT THIS NEVER GETS BROUGHT UP AGAIN.

DAVE: youre on.

"Rose" John said seriously "I think im in love with you"

JAKE: YES.

"OMG John" Rose declaration "I think im in lust with you too"

JAKE: HELL. FUCKING. YES.

"yay" they both said

JAKE: *breaks down into tears of joy* That one scene... it gets me every time!

DAVE: ...youve got problems dude.

KARKAT: WELL AT LEAST THIS DAMN THING IS FINALLY OVER. NOW IF YOU EXCUSE ME I'M GOING TO GET SOLLUX SO HE CAN SCOUR MY THINKPAN AND GET RID OF ALL THE STUPID I JUST READ.
JAKE: Oh no, the story isn't over just yet...


"OMG you guys karkat just killed himself" Gamzee proclimbed

JAKE: ...In fact you could say it's just about to get intersting.

KARKAT: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-


END

3 comments:

  1. Nommer of Dementors the Dementor Eater (also the Redundant Scribe of Redundancy)December 2, 2012 at 4:29 PM

    He tried to kill himself because of the story's horrible stupidity.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Karat only wishes he was as lucky as In-Story Karat.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ridiculous is not spelled 'rediculous', and 'beacuse' is not a word.

    Karkat's metaphors are dishearteningly lacking, Jake is... relatively in character, and Dave is just sort of there. I do hope that your spelling and characterization improves as this goes on.

    ReplyDelete