Monday, July 30, 2012

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 5


Episode 5
Homestuck High Part 4
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Jake: I find that one of the most important skills an author must learn is how to handle his fanbase. On one hand you can't be too active, because then you won't have time to do any more writing. But on the other hand you can't ignore your fans, because then you have no idea how to improve your work. While FanFiction.Net allows instant feedback between authors and readers, many authors prefer answer readers' questions within the chapters themselves, so that nobody misses them. Let's see how this author does handles her fanbase:


to the people asking if im a troll no i am not i wuld rly like 2 bee one tho since the homestuck ones are cool!

Jake: Very clever, the author here is making light of slanderous comments against her work by feigning ignorance of the multiple definitions of the word "Troll".

Karkat: HAS IT EVER OCCURED TO YOU THAT MAYBE THE AUTHOR REALLY IS THAT IGNORANT?

Jake: Pish-posh! This author's work is far too refined for her to be an ignoramus!

idk why id own a dildo to stick up an ass lol im not old enough 2 own one.

Karkat: YOU WERE SAYING?

Jake: ...Well, even shakespeare dabbled in toilet humor.

to the nice ppl who left nice reviews i wnt 2 say thank u because they made me smile hehe.

Karkat: YEAH THANKS FOR ENCOURAGING HER, JERKS. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH EASIER MY LIFE WOULD BE IF YOU GUYS DIDN'T WRITE THIS STUFF?


Dave Strider: last time i checked nobodys actually forcing you to read this.


Karkat: WELL... *YOUR MOM* DIDN'T FORCE ME TO READ THIS!


Dave: well yeah but-


Karkat: HA! YOU AGREE WITH ME THEREFORE I WIN THE CONVERSATION!


Dave: that doesn't make any-


Karkat: *THEREFORE I WIN THE CONVERSATION!!!*

nefotion gave me a REALLY god idea 2 add in wizards 2 the story so i might do that. 

im rely glad u like the character developement but whaat is my immortal? do you mean like the song by evenescense?

Dave: close call there. if this person collaborated with the guy who wrote my immortal the universe would probobably implode out of the shame of containing something so stupid. 

Just when all hope was thought to be lost Eridan took out of his deadly weapon knwon as the almighty Demontroll and began to rock out on it so the noise would distract Sollux wich it did and he let go of Jade and she came running over to them.

Karkat: DAVE, DID YOU MAKE US READ THIRTY HS JUST SO WE WOULD GET THIS REFERENCE?

Dave: not saying.

"Thank you sooooooooooo much John" she exclaimed

"My name is Eridan, John is no longer part of this body but exists now within hells wreched flames!" Eridan spoke

Dave: okay you see this part? pay close attention beacuse it's never going to be brought up again.

"Oh ok" Jade said and walked over to Dave

Karkat: PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD ARE *REALLY* GOOD AT JUST TAKING THINGS IN STRIDE.

Jake: Well it is implied that jade hasn't quite come to grips with what is going on yet.

Karkat: "IMPLIED"?

Dave: oh yeah theres like a zillion clues. you can easily tell by her mannerisms and stuff.

Karkat: HOW SO?

Jake: For one thing the author says 'walks', referring to 'the long walk' from the judge dredd movie, a period of isolation ergo a period of ignorance of what's going on.

Dave: i was literally just about to say that.

Karkat: ...OF COURSE YOU WERE.

"So..." Sollux begins as he took out his own instrement, the dark and almighty Redtooth which was an old wooden violin and began to fight back against Eridan "You are challenging me to a duel"

Karkat: DO DEMONS ALWAYS CARRY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS WITH THEM?

Dave: of course they do. havent you ever heard the devil went down to georgia???

Jake: ...That's hardly biblical canon, dave.

Dave: look. who are you going to beleve? musty old book written by a bunch of dead guys or santa claus in a cowboy hat?

Jake: Uhhhhhhhhhh...

Dave: yeah. thats what i thought.

"You will not win it" Eridan ejaculates 

Karkat: PLEASE STOP USING THAT WORD.

as he plucks the guitar harder "you will not win over my wrath and you will no take these chicks back to your castle within the dark clouds to create the next evil dark overloard!"

"Then if i lose the battle you must hand over to me Rose and Jade so I may plant the dark spawn within them to create the ultimite POWER" Sollux suggested

Dave: row row. fight da powah.

Both demons began to rock out on their instruments and a clash of white and black aroma smashed together within the space between them as they batteld it out. they began to sweat. it was a tough duel but Eridan did a triple eighty and knocked Sollux back flying.

Karkat: "TRIPLE EIGHTY?"

Dave: its a triple eight done ten times. duh.

Karkat: I THOUGHT THIS WAS A GUITAR DUEL, NOT FIGURE A SKATING CONTEST.

Jake: Why can't it be both?

Karkat: BEACUSE THAT WOULD BE REALLY FUCKING STUPID.... THOUGH NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, THAT DOES SOUND LIKE SOMETHING THIS AUTHOR WOULD WRITE.

"WELL DONE ERIDAN!" everyone on Eridans side cheered.

"Whatevs" Eridan said, putting his guitar into his pocket

Dave: those must be some huge pockets. where does this guy buys his clothes??

Sollux walked away in defeat but hed be backk they all knew it.

Karkat: BECAUSE ITS NOT LIKE WE CAN JUST KILL HIM OR ANYTHING. NO NO, WE STILL HAVE MORE STORY TO TELL.

Jake: Thank you karkat, but we dont need a lecture on narrative causality.

Dave: yeah. the last thing we need is you lecturing us on some highbrow topic that nobody else cares about.

Karkat: ...?

Eridan took off his horns and John returned.

"What happenend" John ingerigated

Dave: i guess the flames of hell also cause memory loss.

"you turned into a super awesome demon called Eridan and you battled that Sollux guy to protect me and Jade" Rose bubbled.

"Oh ok" John said

Karkat: HELLO, HAPPY VALLEY ASYLUM?  I THINK MY GIRLFRIEND JUST SNAPPED.

"Lets go to class" Gamzee cornered

"I smell a war coming..." Tarvos wanred "I do not like this. Be careful John mboy"

Dave: And now apparently karkat is not only magic!tavros but hes also the king of hyrule. or hes scottish.

Jake: Mboy, this story is what all true warriors strive for!

Karkat: I JUST WISH I KNEW WHAT CALIBORN WAS UP TO!

Caliborn: YOu WERE A FOOL TO DROP YOuR GuARD, CHANCELLOR. THERE IS ONLY ROOM FOR ONE RIGHTFuL KING OF MIDAS SOFA! EVEN NOW MY LEGIONS GATHER uPON MOuNT DAVE STRIDER'S DIRTY LAuNDRY, WHERE THEY SHALL LAY SEIGE TO YOuR PRECOuS CITADEL!


Pinkie Pie: He's right, king Gamzee! We don't stand a chance against that three-headed hydra!! ^\^

Nepeta Lejoin: :33 *waves around a pair of sock puppets with angry faces drawn on them* Raaaaaaawwwrrr!

Gamzee Makara: MaYbE So, BuT If tHiS MoThErFuCkEr iS ThE SaMe gUy tHaT FoUgHt aLoNgSiDe mE DuRiNg tHe gReAt cRuSaDeS, tHeN He sTiLl cAn't rEfUsE A RaP BaTtLe.

Caliborn: NOOOO! MY ONE WEAKNESS! THRICE-CuRSE THEE, HOuSE OF MAKARA! THRICE-CuRSE THEE AND ALL THINE DECEDENTS!

Karkat: ...I REALLY NEED TO LEARN TO STOP ENCOURAGING THEM.

The next day Rose came over to John bubbling with news

"John guess what" she said

"what" John said

"Were going to have a baby" she cried

Dave: dont get too excited. now your high school career is pretty much doomed, and don't even think about going to college.

"Thats great" John said and he hugged her tightly. he always wanted to be a

Dave: lumberjack. leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of british colombia. i forget how the rest goes.

"Whats going on" Dave inquisited

Jake: Obviously calling back to the second chapter and it's allegory of the knights templar.

"Rose is going to have a baby" John said proudly

Dave smiled "But wait what about Sollux and the dark spawm"

Karkat: WHO CARES ABOUT THEM?! WE HAVE HIGH SCHOOL HI-JINKS AND SHIT!

"Dont worry about that right now we must celebrate" Rose manifactured.

Dave: i think your thesaurus is busted.

"Ok" Dave said

next chapter there will be a baby shower and a realy big surprise but is it a good or bad one review to find out

Karkat: WAIT, ARE YOU SAYING THAT IF WE DON'T WRITE A REVIEW THIS STORY, THERE WON'T BE ANOTHER CHAPTER FOR US TO READ?

Jake: Ordinarily yes. But a quick check on FanFiction.Net shows us that we still have a few more chapters to go. Thus we now need to leave a review or else we'll cause a time paradox.

Dave: yeah. and the last thing we want right now is some twat in blue box waiving around a magic screwdriver or some military guy yelling at us over a game over screen or a couple of jrpg guys jumping out of a portal to run around smashing monsters and shit so they can thwart a really effeminate guys plan to kill god.

Karkat: ...?

Dave: ive been playing a lot of final fantasy xiii 2. ironically of course.

Jake: Oooh! I love that game! Perhaps we could do a "lets play" of it sometime!

Dave: do you really want to sit through eighty hours of level grinding?

Jake: Of course! That's the best part! It builds anticipation for the grande finale!

Dave: sounds like a plan. you want to join, Karkat?

Karkat: I GUESS, IF ONLY BEACUSE IT SOUNDS SLIGHTLY LESS TORTUOUS THAN THIS HELL YOU GUYS PUT ME THROUGH.

Dave: i thought we went over this...

4 comments:

  1. ...What? FFXIII-2 isn't as bad as they make it out to be. I just have to get everyone to max levels before I can beat the damn thing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was just a joke, I'm actually playing through the game myself and having a really great time.

      Delete
  2. I thought you might want to know that there is now a chapter 8 of this as of today.

    Things just...I can't explain it. Jake is going to have a field day explaining what's going on that's all I can say.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Blah blah, no spellcheck, blah blah, character quirks are fucking wrong as shit, blah blah, internet memes.

    God DAMN is this poisonous. Do you even READ what you’re putting out before you post it?

    OH HEY LOOK MORE REFERENCES TO OTHER FANDOMS. ‘Hay guis, did u no i watch dr WHOOOOOO n play FFFFFFFFF?! DERE SOOOOO GUUUUUD!’

    I’m not even sure if I have to mention that the characters are horribly out of character, but they are, and I’m hoping that this gets fixed later. I've made myself a pact to review this fucking thing from start to finish, and by fucking BAAL I'm going to do it.

    ReplyDelete