Sunday, July 15, 2012

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 3

Untitled Document


Episode 3
Homestuck High Part 3
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Quick word of warning: This episode is NSFW. And really really stupid, but you kinda knew that already.


Jake English: Well vantas, i think you’ll be happy to hear that this chapter signals an end to the slice-of-life drama that made up the story’s first act.


Dave Strider: yeah. this is where things go from stupid to batshit insane.


Karkat Vantas: I’VE ALREADY BEEN TURNED INTO TAVROS. AT THIS POINT I’VE LEARNED TO STOP SETTING EXPECTATIONS BECAUSE NO MATTER HOW STUPID THINGS THE IDIOT WRITING THIS THING IS JUST GOING TO FIND A WAY TO TOP HIMSELF. 


Dave: thats probably a good idea.


John and Rose were in a field holding hands and kissing. They were alone and the sun was high in the sky. Rose was in a long white dress and a sun hat and John was chasing her through corn and sunflowers.

Jake: I should actually point out that this is my least favorite chapter...


Karkat: IS IT BECAUSE THIS IS THE CHAPTER YOU DECIDED TO LOMBOTOMIZE YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU REALIZED YOU’VE BEEN WASTING YOUR LIFE READING CRAPPY FANFICTION?


Jake: Um, no. It’s because even an uneducated shirkster knows that it would be madness to grow corn and sunflowers on the same field. I mean obviously it’s a dream sequence being used for symbolic reasons, but this lack of attention to agricultural practices kind of irks me.


Dave: ...of course it does.

He felt happy. She spun around and her silken gown brushed against the corn as she ran backwards in slow motion. John went to grab her, but she moved out of the way and he stumbled over a giant cliff and fell into darkness.

Jake: This sudden change in tone for the dream is part of John’s “Call to Adventure” from The Hero’s Journey, as defined by Joseph Campbell in The Hero With a Thousand Faces. In case you don’t know what I’m talking about, “The Hero’s Journey” is a narrative structure that shows up the myths and legends of almost every culture because it resonates deeply with us. Use of The Hero’s Journey even shows up in more contemporary classics, such as “Plan 9 From Outer Space”, “Twilight”, and of course Rob Reiner’s magnum opus “North”.


Karkat: IF THAT’S THE CASE THAN I’M PRETTY SURE THAT GUY IS SPINNING IN HIS GRAVE RIGHT NOW.

"John" a voice boomed as he hit the floor "I am the dark genie of precipice Araida!"

Dave: aren’t you supposed to wake up before you hit the ground in a dream?


Jake: Well, yes, usually. But this is a magical prophetic dream.


Dave: ...sure let’s go with that.

Thunder boomed.
"You are yur frends are in GRAEVE DANGER" she said

Dave: woah. she just told John that he was his own friends. id probably think that was really deep if i was high or something.

"What do you mean!" John said he didnt want any harm to come to Rose so he was worried since they handnt had sex yet.

Karkat: SHE JUST SAID YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS IN GRAVE DANGER AND ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT IS HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO BONE HER? *GET YOUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT*!


Jake: Well keep in mind that achieving adulthood through sexual intercourse can be a part of Hero’s Journey, so it makes sense that John would worry about such things.


Karkat: ...YOU *REALLY* NEED TO SEE A PSYCHOLOGIST.

"JADE IS PREGNANT WITH THE SON OF A DEVIL" Aradia bombed as more thunder struck loudly "And Rose is NEXT"

Karkat: ...YEAH, SEE, A FEW CHAPTERS AGO A PLOT TWIST LIKE THIS MIGHT HAVE DRIVEN ME INTO A FIT OF SCREAMING MADNESS, BUT NOW IT’S JUST KIND OF BLASE.

"O M G" John giggled

Dave: are you sure john isnt the villain here? laughing at something like this sounds kinda evil.


Jake: He’s laughing because he’s in denial. It’s the “refusal of the call”, the second part of “the hero’s journey”.


Karkat: SURE LETS GO WITH THAT.

"you must destroy the dammed incubes on a nigth when the moon is full and spill his blod onto Jade and make her drink it so it kills the baba!" Ariada proclaimed

Karkat: THAT’S RIGHT EVERYONE! HOMESTUCK HIGH IS THE STORY ABOUT SAVING THE WORLD BY PERFORMING ABORTIONS!


Dave: ...i think were going to get a lot of angry letters about that joke.

"But WHO IS THE INUCUBS!" John demolished as he clentched his fists.
Aradia glowed "You must find out for yourself john!

Karkat: I MEAN I GUESS YOU COULD TELL US RIGHT AWAY, BUT THEN THE AUTHOR COULDN’T TO PRETEND SHE COULD BE SUSPENSEFUL FOR THE FIVE MINUTES BEFORE THE BIG REVEAL COMES.

UNLASH THE POWER FROM WITHIN AND DO NOT LET THE DEMON TANT YOUR ROSE OR SHE WILL WILT"

Dave: row. row. fight da powah.


Jake: See there? The author just made a clever play on words! Since “rose” is a type of flower, but it’s also the name of john’s girlfriend-

Karkat: YES WE ALL KNOW WHAT PUNS ARE YOU DON’T NEED TO EXPLAIN THEM TO US!

She handed him two plastic horns
"When you put these on you will turn into my faithful demon sslayer ERIDAN" she magistrated "He will serve you well"

Karkat: SO NOW JOHN IS ERIDAN. YEAH. WHY DOES THE AUTHOR EVEN BOTHER TO USE CANON CHARACTERS IF SHE’S JUST GOING CHANGE THEM ANYWAY?


That’s because she’s using these alter-egos to explore aspects that the main characters usually keep bounded within themselves. For instance, you became tavros because your aggressive exterior belies an insecure, sensitive soul underneath it all.


Karkat: WAT.


Jake: And of course Eridan is representative of John’s suppressed darker side, which he’ll need to learn how to control if he wants to stand a chance against the forces of evil.


Dave: because if anyone has a repressed evil side its john i trust vriska completely egbert.

"Ok" John said and he woke up

Karkat: ...I THINK HE’S TAKING IN THIS WHOLE SITUATION A BIT TOO EASILY, IF YOU ASK ME.


Jake: Well you know john, he’s a very flexible person.


Karkat: OKAY, I’LL GIVE YOU THAT MUCH AT LEAST.

"Oh your ok" Rose said and she hugged John

"What happened" John elaborated as Dave hugged him next.

Dave raged "Dark magick came out of your mcdonnaldss burger and FOUND ITS WAY TO YOUR SOUL"

Karkat: TO RECAP; A GENIE WAS WAITING IN A MAGIC HAMBURGER TO TELL JOHN IN A DREAM THAT A DEVIL MADE JADE PREGNANT AND WAS GOING TO GO AFTER ROSE NEXT.


Dave: that explains everything.

"How!" John demanded

"we do not yet know" Tarvos clemenced "We think that by eating it it distrupted the forces within your purities"

Karkat: YOU FORGOT YOUR OWN NAME JUST AN HOUR AGO! HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THIS?!

"oh my gog" John said seriously

Dave: i think the author just remembered that this was supposed to be a homestuck fic.

The next day at school the group sat in a dark corner away from everoyne else as hey tried to think what happened to Jonn.

But John knew that deep down there was an demon after Rose's ovaries.

Karkat: EVERYONE ELSE, HOWEVER, JUST THOUGHT HE WAS SCHIZOPHRENIC. 

He couldnt bare the thought of his love falling to such a trap.

"Maybe it was just food poisoning" Feferi helped

"No my legs began to shake with a need i have long forgotten when i saw the black aroma!" Tarvos said

Dave: so apparently your legs have magic demon detecting powers. why am i not surprised.

"Where are Jade?" Rose asked

Dave began to cry into Tarvos shoulder. John had a feeling in his gut that this was not a god sign.

Jake: Just another hint that agents of the devil are behind this sinister plot!


Karkat: THAT AND THE FACT THAT A GENIE SAID SO JUST A FEW MINUTES AGO.


Jake: Well we don’t know at this point if we can even trust Ariada says. For all we know she could be manipulating john for her own ends!


Karkat: I KNOW I KEEP SAYING THIS IN ALL KINDS OF DIFFERENT WAYS, BUT YOU GIVE THE AUTHOR WAY TOO MUCH CREDIT.

"She cheated on me with a college guy" he moaned into Tarvos. he was so upset.

"OMG Dave" Vriska purred as she pulled his face into her boobs. Dave cried into them instead.

Dave: okay seriously. how the hell am i this much of a pussy??? i mean of course id be pissed if my girl cheated on me, but i wouldnt cry or anything.


Karkat: WELCOME TO THE CLUB.

"John we need to talk" Rose announced

"Ok" John said

They got up and went to a private part of the school where no one could see or hear them. John had a feeling that he would be getting lucky as some people call it but he knew he had to be carful. He couldnt risk getting his rose pregnant or the conseqences would be FATALITY.

Dave: hey you wouldn’t happen to know any mortal kombat jokes, would you?


Karkat: NOPE.


Dave: darn. 

"John" Rose moaned "Will u be my boyfriend?"

"Ok" John said

Karkat: HOW TOUCHING, THE DESIGNATED COUPLE THE AUTHOR KEPT HINTING AT GOT TOGETHER AFTER ALL.

"So you will have sex with me then since thats what people do when they go out" Rose said

John could not resist those gigantic bosoms in that tight school top were begging him to rip it off right here and plant his seed DEEP inside of her. but he had to control himself or things would get bad.

"I do not know Rose" John manifested "Maybe we should wait!"

"I AM TIRED OF WAITING FOR YOU JON. I WANT YOU TO PUT IT IN ME NOW."

Dave: and now begins the worst sex scene in the history of mankind. you might want to skip ahead a little if you want to leave with your sanity intact. 


Karkat: CAN’T LOOK AWAY... MUST READ EVERY LAST BIT OF THIS DEBAUCHERY...

Rose did not need to say more. John teared open the girls school shirt and her boobies came springing out in a wave of bouncyness. They were like those bouncy balls, only they were softer. He ripped off her skirt and looked at her panties. there was water already dripping from her patnies and her thighs were wet.

He took off his trousers and then ripped her panties into too feeling how wet they were between his hands. More water began leaking out of her flower while she moaned.

She took off her bra and then pulled out Johns hard member and pressed it to her sacred area.

"Put it in me Johnny!" she cried loudly.

"Ok" John said and he put his shaft into her tight hole. It was hot and wet inside. She began orgasming and making sexual animal like noises.

"Oh oh oh! Oh John! Pull it in a little deeper! Ooooooh yeah!" Rose exclamated. She clawed his back like a tigeress in heat and John contiued to deflower his sweet rose. He already felt close to consumating their love with his seed.

He could feel the water flowing out of her and onto the floor beneath them. It made him want to drink it all up and feed it to her. he could not control himsellf any longer and they came together in one giiant orgasm.

"JOOOOOOOOHN!" she moaned as he came deep within her carven, her flower oozing with the white liquid as he pulled out of her.

Karkat: AM I THE ONLY ONE DISTURBED THE FACT THAT THE AUTHOR IS IMAGINING GRAPHIC SEX BETWEEN 13 YEAR-OLDS?


Jake: Well, this story does seem to be inspired by Japanese media (namely Anime and Manga), and in Japan 13-years is the age of consent... 


Karkat: ...THAT EXPLAINS SO MUCH. 

"NO! John! Rose!" Jade's loud cry mewled.

They turned their sweaty heads to see Jade struggling in the grasp of a man who looked more evil than ANY other man they had seen. His aura admitted a dark energy that made the clouds come together and boom lightening.

Karkat: OH HEY. THIS MUST BE THE BAD GUY.

"NOW THAT ROSE HAS BEEN GIVEN THE SEED I CAN PLANT MY SPAWN!" the evil man yelled

"Sollux, it hath been a while!" Tarvos trembled as he, Feferi, Dave, Vriska and Gamzee all came running up to the area.

Karkat: SOLLUX IS EVIL NOW APPARENTLY. WHO KNEW?

"John, use the power of my demon slayer to help Jade!" John heard aradia's voice call.

Dave: okay crazy voice in my head. Whatever you say.

He reached into his pockets and pulled out the plastic horns and stuck them into his head.

Dave: whats that voice?? you want me to shoot the president in the name of god??? sure why not??

He felt himself morphing into a different being until he was no longer John but a purple capped man with thick rimmed glasses.

"Sollux" John's now deep Eridan voice boomed "It's time to duel.

Jake: And so by becoming Eridan for the first time, John has crossed the threshold between the mundane and the fantastic, and may never be able to return to the life he once lived! So what did you think about that last chapter?


Dave: eh. it was okay.


Karkat: I FEEL SO DIRTY. SO. VERY. DIRTY.


Dave: you think this is madness?? you haven’t even begun to see madness. try visiting 4chan sometime and then tell me about madness.


Karkat: ...CAN WE TAKE A BREAK FROM THIS? I NEED A COUPLE DAYS TO WRITE MY WILL.


Dave: sure why not. in the meantime though i got something slightly less soul-shatteringly stupid and more awesomely stupid that we can read instead. 


Jake: Are you, perchance referring to HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH?


Dave: call it thirty hs, or h^30. it sounds cooler that way.


Jake: Ooh! I believe you’re in for a treat, vantas! I have no doubt in my mind that it will cheer you up in a jiffy!


Karkat: UGH... PLEASE STOP TALKING. YOUR WORDS MAKE MY THINKPAN ACHE...

2 comments:

  1. I mentioned Jake's quirk last chapter, but I neglected to mention Dave's. He uses no punctuation whatsoever, excepting the occasional question mark. His is probably the most egregiously wrong here.

    Well at least it seems you employed spellchecker for this 'episode'.

    HEY GUYS LOOK I KNOW ABOUT TENGAN TOPPA GURREN LAGANN HURR HURR HURR AREN'T I CLEVER SAYING THE MOST POPULAR PHRASE FROM 'LIBERA ME FROM HELL' HURR HURR? Honestly, that had little to no relation to what was said in the fanfiction.

    Out of all of the characters you could have chosen to employ memes (which you shouldn't under any circumstance), you chose Karkat Vantas; friendleader and fuckass extraordinaire. Quite possibly the most out of character choice you could make, and you made it; great job!

    'darn'? Why would you choose 'darn' and not 'damn' or 'fuck' or 'shit'? You chose the 'tamer' option instead of staying closer to the character, I wonder how much that says about you.

    Oh, hey look! You used 'thinkpan'! Looks like you remembered this was supposed to be a Homestuck thing.

    Karkat was worse than last time, Jake is still typing incorrectly, and Dave is STILL just ~there~.

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    Replies
    1. Hooray! I have my first anti-fan! I can't wait to put you in as a straw-man later down the line that my main characters can make fun of!

      ...okay not really. I'd probably be the first to admit that these early chapters are the most inconsistent and poorly thought-out. I'm actually glad that someone is finally giving me this criticism.

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