Saturday, July 21, 2012

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 4




Warning: This episode is NSFW. While I will do my best to keep my jokes tasteful, the actual fic contains references to rape, gore, cannibalism, and extreme violence. If any of this offends you, please do not read further.

It goes without saying that I do not support any of these practices, and personally think the person responsible for writing this fic REALLY needs to see a psychiatrist even if he was just joking. Those thoughts ain't normal, man.

Episode 4
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Karkat Vantas: ...WE HAVEN'T EVEN BEGUN THE STORY AND I'M ALREADY LOST. WHAT THE HELL AM I LOOKING AT?

Jake English: This my dear boy, is HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. It is a contemporary neo-suburban countercultural surrealist work emulating the dadaist movement of the early to mid 20th century by using the harry potter franchise as a vhehical for wanton violence and debauchery.

Karkat: IN ENGLISH PLEASE.

Dave Srider: he means its a shitty story thats somehow art i guess. have you read harry potter?

Karkat: HELL NO.

Dave: good because it pretty much has nothing to do with the books. its kind of like my immortal from one of those bizzario worlds where all the dudes are chicks and vice versa so that instead of hot topic and linken park the author is obsessed with groinsaws and rape puns. its supposed to be dumb immature and oh so hilarious.


Jake: Not to mention that it's an excellent satire that exaggerates the trend of increasing levels of violence in the media to it's logical conclusion!

Dave: yeah that too.

Karkat: AND YOU THINK I'LL LIKE THIS.

Jake: Indubitably! In fact, i wouldn't be surprised if this story was written by a kindred spirit!

Karkat: ...I'LL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT.


Dobby relished his groinsaw's roar as he withdrew the flesh-choked blade from the astronaut's ruined skull. 

Karkat: WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN?

Jake: Well you see, dobby the house elf just killed an astronaut using a chainsaw attached to his groin. It's not that complicated, rea-

Karkat: I KNOW WHAT THE STORY SAID HAPPENED! I'M TRYING TO WRAP MY MIND AROUND IT! WHY IS HE FIGHTING AN ASTRONAUT? ARE THEY IN SPACE? WHY ARE THEY IN SPACE? HOW DID DOBBY GET UP TO THE ASTRONAUT'S HEAD? HOW DOES ONE WIELD A GROINSAW ANYWAY? WOULDN'T IT REALLY HURT TO STAB SOMEONE WITH IT?

Dave: i think you'll find that none of those questions really matter in the long run. this story is pretty much what you'd get if the kid writing axe cop went off his medication. logic kinda takes a back set to gore and rape jokes.

He turned to Harry, thrusting his bloody, retina-covered pelvis with elfin fervor.

"How does Ronnie Ron taste, master?"

Harry spat out an eyeball. "Like some kid with eyes."

Karkat: ...AND NOW HE'S EATING SOMEONE? WAS THIS PART OF THE BOOK?

Jake: No. In fact, the author is actively trying to distance himself from harry potter canon. Killing a major character like ron right off the bat is not only a big middle finger to fans of the series, but the act of harry actually eating ron symbolizes ron being removed from existence. Thus, the author tells us that ron was powerless to stop any of these events, as things would have been the same had he not existed in the first place.

Karkat: STILL SO MANY QUESTIONS! HOW DID RON GET TO SPACE IN THE FIRST PLACE? WHY DID HARRY KILL HIM? WHY EVEN MENTION RON IF HE WAS GOING TO BE KILLED BEFORE THE STORY BEGAN?

Dobby ducked an astronaut's poison barbed fist, digging his groinsaw into the beast's abdomen and letting the spray of viscera wash over his elfin space armor. 

Karkat: ...CHAINSAWS ARE GASOLINE-POWERED, RIGHT? DOESN'T GASOLINE NOT BURN IN SPACE? ARE GROINSAWS POWERED BY CANNIBALISM? WHY KILL SOMEONE TO GET FOOD WHEN THERE'S LIVESTOCK AND STUFF?

Jake: Oh dear. Dave i think we broke karkat.


Dave: ill get the hammer.

The skulls' eye sockets on his shoulders grew brilliant with an infernal cast and vomited a bolt of light through an astronaut; he was thrown back against the deathwall, his flesh boiling in another dimension.

Karkat: IF DOBBY COULD SEND PEOPLE TO HELL WHY DIDN'T HE JUST DO THAT THE WHOLE TIME? WHY ARE THERE SKULLS ON ELF ARMOR? HOW DOES ONE AIM SHOULDER SKULLS? HOW DOES ONE FIRE SHOULDER SKULLS?

Dave: do you want to do the honors or should i??

Jake: Go ahead... but, um, be careful, would you?

Dave: relax. careful is my middle name. of course my first name is "not very" so what do i know.

Harry slapped Dobby, who giggled.

Karkat: OW! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

Jake: Karkat? You okay?

Dave: how many fingers am i holding up??

Karkat: DAMN IT STRIDER! ONE OF THESE DAYS I'M GOING TO WRING YOUR SCRAWNY LITTLE HIPSTER NECK UNTIL EVERY PORE OF YOUR BODY IS BLEEDING PUSS FLAVORED MOCHA FRAPPACHINO!

Dave: dont worry hes fine.

Harry reminded himself to kill himself later.

Karkat: YOU AND ME BOTH.

"Master, look out!"

Dobby's groinsaw screamed as it flew off the armor, rocketing through the air like an early dream of mankind.

Jake: I really enjoy this author's creative use of simile. 

It flew through three astronauts who dropped their hellspears as the saw cut a hole in the ground beneath them so they fell to hell and the demonic spheres rape them to this day, boys and girls.

Karkat: ...WHAT DID I JUST READ?

Dave: the first chapter.

Karkat: AND HOW MANY ARE THERE?

Dave: seven. and were going to get them all done in one go.

Karkat: OH GOG.


"Now, Dobby."
Dobby knelt before his master.
Harry withdrew his guitar, Fuckslayer, from a dimension where all screamed for naught.

Dave: this chapter suddenly became 20 percent more awesome.

Wrought from the silver heart of heaven's false promise, laced with vessels that pulsed with angel's menstrual blood, hewn from the horns of Satan's generals, it laughed as it was set loose, a laugh that only Harry could hear, but no one could share.

Jake: This passage alone demonstrate the story's three primary inspirations. The lyrical prose used to describe the setting takes influence from religion-themed works epic poetry, such as dante's inferno and paradise lost. The setting itself comes from the Gnostic tradition, and it's interpretation of the material world being an illusion created by a malevolent, all-powerful demiurge. Finally, the overall batshit insanity and complete disregard for good taste draws heavily from Juggalo culture.

Karkat: THAT LAST ONE WOULD EXPLAIN SO MUCH.


Harry swung the guitar through Dobby's chicken neck. He took the head of his fallen dwarfslave and tore open his stomach, stuffing the head inside. Harry vomited steam and summoned a great meteor from space to smash into Hogwarts and kill everyone there, for no reason at all.

Jake: By killing dobby and and destroying Hogwarts, Harry is in turn rejecting the order put forth by the Demiurge (J.K. Rowling) and the artificial world she has constructed for him. He does this by becoming the shadow counterpart of the √úbermensch, using insanity and arbitrary behavior to create new values to replace the ones originally put forth by "God" (i.e. the Demiurge i.e. Rowling). 


Karkat: OR MAYBE THE AUTHOR JUST WANTS TO GIVE EVERYONE THE MIDDLE FINGER.


Jake: Well, yeah, there's that.

A vision then appeared. It was Dumbledore, entombed in his cursed mummy armor, calling Harry from his Moonbase which wasn't on a moon.

"Harry, you must rock the fuck out."

Dave: best advice ive heard all day.

Harry channeled his rage through Fuckslayer. The angel blood boiled as he summoned the great meteor, swathed with the blood of the tiny fucklings at Hogwarts, leapt onto it, and flew into space. He encased the entire meteor in a wreath of holy fuckfire and flew through Mercury, killing the fuck out of it. Then he sent Mercury's carcass into Venus, killing the fuck out of it and making every vagina in the galaxy explode, and inside every vagina a booby sang of mortal life's fleeting precipice.

Karkat: OKAY MISTER SMARTYTHINK, WHAT THE HELL KIND OF "VALUES" DO YOU THINK THIS PSYCHOPATH IS PROMOTING?!


Jake:  A very bizarre one, i'm not going to lie to you. I believe though, that the author is trying to say that we should be open to any kind of value system, no matter how different it is from our own, since a thousand years from now our values might be completely different.

Harry then did fly his meteor through space, punching astral vampires in half with his fists encased in fuckfire and throwing their ruined heads into the past where they bit cavemen on mars so that history changed and now there are vampire cavemen on mars.

Karkat: YES, I CAN SEE THAT THIS AUTHOR IS A PARAGON OF RATIONAL THOUGHT.

Harry received another vision from Frumblegore, who was having tea and chumpits with the president of Pangea.

"Care to have tea, Harry?"

"You know how I hate chumpits."

dave: i guess the author just wanted to remind us that harry is still english even if hes a mass murderer with a satanic guitar. we just reached chapter three by the way.

Harry slammed his book shut. It wasn't really a book, because the pages were made of lasers and the words were made of headless women making godless love to dragons made out of motorcycles, but it was still reading.

Karkat: THAT SOUNDS BOTH PAINFUL AND DISTURBING IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD. AND YET I WOULD STILL RATHER BE READING THAT BOOK THAN THIS ONE.

"Gumbledorp, if you don't stop, we'll starve, and no one will be around to kill everyone in the universe if we get around to bringing everyone back to life after we killed them."

Jake: I would explain how alludes to the buddist cycle of reincarnation, but this commentary is getting long enough as it is.

"I am no longer Scrumblegort."

Dave:  i dont think he was ever called that in the first place. then again his name seems to change every time he gets mentioned so what do i know?

The ancient man dropped some of the planets he was juggling.

"The worlds have shifted. I am Dumblecop, of the Darkmeal."

He flexed one of his legs, which was made of pistols, and kicked a planet in half.

"Bugger your Darkmeal, faggart of a thousand suns."

Dumblecop sniffed.

dave: well at least his name didn't change this time.

"And what of it? Is it a sin, should a man feel like faggarting a sun or a thousand? Why should the suns heave through the void, if not to be skewer't bypon ourn fagpoles?"

Jake: Ah, enlightenment-era philosophy at it's finest!

Harry cast a glance at the book. Unsavory sounds emanated from a particularly damned chapter. He was hungry. He looked at a nearby cup. It had a faded brown film on the bottom. He thought about chumpits.

dave: and how much he hated them i guess? ah well at lest we now have kind of a plot. oh and here comes chapter four.

Harry had found some food. It was guarded by three and a million thousandsurf ninjas, for it was the last food on Surf Ninja Moon X.

Jake: A subtle nod to Surf Ninjas, which is undoubtedly the greatest movie of all time.

The ecology had been decimated by surf ninjas, so the last food was a cabbage and mustard sandwich.
Karkat: MAKES AS MUCH SENSE AS ANYTHING ELSE IN THIS STORY. HONESTLY VAMPIRE JEGUS COULD SHOW UP AT THIS POINT AND I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED.

Harry squatted in the ruins of a castle which had been many skulls arranged to resemble one large one. It had been poorly done, with the cheeks fading into an amateurishly executed jaw line.

Jake: Did i mention how much i love skull motifs?

The silent killers of the night had negated their innate advantage by only plying their craft on surf boards. During the day.

Dave: i love it when a fic is so bad that even the author points how how stupid it all is.

Harry was about to eat his cabbagewich 

Karkat: ...WHICH HE STOLE FROM THE GAJILLION NINJAS THAT WE DIDN'T GET TO SEE HIM FIGHT...

when a man in a tuxedo appeared from behind nothing much. He stood ten feet tall and his head seemed wrapped in unwrappable darkness.

"I am Rape Radbury.

Jake: In case you didn't get the refrence, this character is meant to be a parody of the late Ray Bradbury, the critically acclaimed science-fiction and fantasy author famous for writing Fahrenheit 451, The Martian Chronicles, and other famous works.

Dave: i was going to crack a joke about the puns in this story, but its still too soon. and honestly fahrenheit 451 was a pretty good book; it even predicted reality tv and everything.

I write critically acclaimed fiction that always turns into fact. That's why I have more money than anyone."

Karkat: THAT'S NICE. 

Harry dug a bit of cartilage out of the cabbagewich and continued chewing.

"Would you care to discuss one of my books? I hear that my..."

Harry fished out another bit of cartilage. It was a cartilage and mustard sandwich.

"You shouldn't believe what everyone says about me. I took a shower with my cousin, once. And I have racist thoughts."

Karkat: OH AND I ALSO KILL PEOPLE. A LOT. LIKE, ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

A nibbet of yellow cartilage landed on Rape's shoe. He thought about his cousin.

Karkat: FINALLY, ANOTHER CHAPTER DONE. HOW MANY MORE AGAIN?

Dave: just three more dude. heres chapter 5.

The inquisitors were torturing Harry.

Karkat: WHY DID WE GO FROM RAPE RADBURY TO TORTURE BY INQUISITORS?

Gamzee Makara: BECAUSE MOTHERFUCKING CONSISTENCY IS FOR THE WEAK.

Karkat: 0_0

Gamzee: just wanted to let you guys know that. by the way have you seen my sopor stash?

Dave: i think calliope's brother stole it.

Gamzee: I WILL SLICE OPEN HIS ABDOMEN DEVOUR HIS MOTHERFUCKING ENTRAILS AND SEND HIS SOUL TO THE ENDLESS VOID WHERE SCREAMS TURN INWARD TO BECOME THE LAUGHTER OF THE DAMNED.

Karkat: YOU GO DO THAT THEN.

Dave: peace out, bro.

Gamzee: yeah. peace, man.

First, Ignatius used the rock.

Jake: Ah, if it isn't ignatus! Splendid! It's about time that this story got a little more theology and geometry. *gives a hearty english cortle.*

Karkat: ...WHAT?

Dave: ...i dont get it.

Jake: Uh... ignatus was this guy from a book. That was kind of his catchphrase...

Dave: whatever.

Then Billy asked Harry if he wanted to read his BDSM blog. Harry was so surprised that his pants flew right off. He was wearing women's underpants.

Karkat: TOO MUCH INFORMATION.

The inquisitors were wearing them, too.

Karkat: TOO. MUCH. INFORMATION.

They realized that they were all men of the lord.

Jake: And with that revelation out of the way, we're on the penultimate chapter! Chapter 6!

Harry awoke to the throaty grumble of a rape ape.

Not a rape ape, but the rape ape, the last of his kind after the subjugation of the rapeforest. His people once graced the canopy, their penile digits proudly grasping the vines as they swung through the night, their hundreds of sweaty simian dongs trailing a now-fetid memory in the rape ape's watering eye. As his ocular ducts began to well with ancestral pride, so too did the countless meaty members sprouting from the rape ape's every hairy inch. From his eye sockets, ear holes, even his calloused toes, a penile font of cry-juice birthed a deluge.

Jake: The term "rape ape" is...

Karkat: HELL NO. I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR YOU DESCRIBE EVER LITTLE DETAIL ABOUT HOW THE HISTORY OF RAPE APES. I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT HOW FRUED USED RAPE APES AS A METAPHORE FOR HUMAN DEVELOPMENT. I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE RAPE APES OF NORSE, EGYPTIAN, MESOAMERICAN, GREEK OR JAPANESE MYTHOLOGY. I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE RAPE APE SONNETS OSCAR WILDE WROTE, THE RAPE APE MOVIES HITCHCOCK DIRECTED OR THE RAPE APE SYMPHONIES THAT MOTZART COMPOSED. I DO NOT EVEN CARE IF A RAPE APE IS ACTUALLY A REAL THING BEACUSE I SURE AS HELL DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE ACTIONS TAKEN BY CONSERVATIONISTS TO KEEP THEIR POPULATIONS FROM DWINDLING. I JUST WANT TO STOP THINKING ABOUT GORILLAS MADE ENTIRELY OUT OF ERECT HUMAN BREEDPIPES AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!

Jake: ...I was just going to say that the name is a parody of the Hana-Barbara cartoon character "grape ape".  

Karkat: OH. WELL... I DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR THAT EITHER. SO THERE!

Harry observed this with consternation, as he was tied to a table. Neither magic nor supracosmic strength would free him from his bonds. Had this creature access to an unknown material of deistic strength? Or did the rape ape have a secret yet more baffling?

Karkat: MORE BAFFLING THAN ANYTHING ELSE WE'VE SEEN? I HIGLY DOUBT IT.

Harry squinted so he could see the subatomic strings of the ropes. He began tossing antimatter at them with his mind as a group of children entered the rape ape's hiding place. They were well-groomed and impeccably attired, and there were 5.8 of them, just enough to represent an array of genders and races that would leave no one unhappy, save for the Eskimos. They were on their own, as far as the rape ape was concerned.

Karkat: I STAND CORRECTED.

"Why do you cry, rape ape?" asked child 3.2.

The rape ape, unwilling to hide its greasy primate cock tears, hung its head, and gravity coaxed the eye wangers downward. It tied them together into a bow atop its head, to be pretty for its guests.

"We are bound in this ligature of lingam, brother rape ape," said child 4.6.

Dave: hold on. i need to get a dictionary...

Jake: *Waits impatiently for strider to finish is business*

Dave: says here 'liagure' is the art of tying someone up and 'lingam' means 'male phallus'. 

Karkat: SO WHAT?

Dave: so i think this means that line was the most highbrow dick joke of all time. though thats not saying much.

The children surrounded rape ape, holding their hands, and began to sing. 

Pinkie Pie: Did somebody start singing again without me? ^0^

Dave: listen. i dont usually give advice to anything more brightly colored than an a bowl of candy. but if you value your sanity you really dont want to stay here much longer.

Pinkie: Oh please, I've seen WAY more disturbing fan-fiction! ^-^

Dave: really?

Pinkie: Yeah! I even wrote some of it! Wanna see my latest? ^_^

Jake: *Looks at the paper* "Cupcakes 2, a mlp:fim fanfic by pikamania diane pie." Curiouser and curiouser... *paper gets snatched away by Karkat.*

Karkat: LET ME SEE THAT. IT CAN'T POSSIBLY BE WORSE THAN... UH...

Dave: ...

Jake: ...

Karkat: 

Pinkie: ^_^

Jake: *Watches in equal parts facination and disgust as vantas devours the pink pony's fanwork*

Karkat: HEY IF YOU GUYS DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO HIDE BEHIND THIS COUCH IN A FETAL POSITION UNTILL THE SCARY HORSE GOES AWAY. THANKS BYE.

Jake: Um... okay then. Pinkie Pie, would you please leave us a lone for a few minutes so we can finish the story.

Pinkie Pie: Okey dokie lokey! ^0^

Karkat: IS SHE GONE?! PLEASE TELL ME SHE'S GONE...

Dave: yes karkat. the harmless pink pony is no longer around to menace you.

Karkat: YOU LAUGH, BUT I DON'T THINK I'M EVER GOING TO LOOK AT A WAFFLE IRON THE SAME WAY.

Harry was transfixed as he watched the children, gently swaying with the song, float skyward. The little ones began to orbit the rape ape, who was convulsing as though stricken by the seizure devil. As the song increased in tempo the childflesh bubbled and merged into a spinning wonder turbine. The fleshy kidmass sprouted hair and groin dribblers just like the rape ape, and sprayed confetti into skies of past and future, setting the constellations aflame with the opalescent of the perished rape apes. An explosion of color and hair left Harry Potter alone and still bound. 

Dave: was there a point to that?

Jake: The most common theories are that either harry cast a that killed the ape, or that the ape suddenly ascended to godhood as the platonic ideal of rape apes.


He thought about sandwiches.

Karkat: OH GOG ONE CHAPTER TO GO. CHAPTER 7 AT LAST!

Harry Potter awoke in a pit that reeked of hot sauce. He could feel viscous fluid under his fingernails, burning the tender skin. Everywhere were white bags bulging with foul product. They were diapers stuffed with chicken bones and hot sauce, their foul odor blossoming in the muffled dark. Harry's nostrils begged his brain for mercy. He flew upwards, away from the saucy mysteries below. The smell grew faint, calling him to return. Harry ignored their lies, flying beyond the lips of his prison. He was in a laboratory, with machines that had no purpose beyond blinking lights and soft hums.

"Hello, my boy son! You make a father so good!"

Harry had flown out of the nose of an old man. This man wore a white coat, yet was drawn by the hand of an idiot. His voice came not from his mouth, but from elsewhere, a sad attempt at humanity.

"I know you'll do so well! Now you choose!

The man reached into his coat and laid out three diapers, each brimming with the spicy bones of the nose prison. He removed his head and stuck it on a spike on the counter, to keep it from rolling away. The diapers began to stir as creatures clawed out of bony wombs. Arrayed before Harry was a turtle, the reptilian body so frail that it seemed an afterthought to the shell, a bald weasel with toothpicks for legs, and a wrinkled thumb in a glass of water. The old man's head called out from the spike.

"Everyone has one! Make your best friends for life!"

Harry drank the glass of thumb water and spat the thumb at the old man's head.

Dave: ...sorry. i got nothin.

Karkat: SAME HERE.

Jake: All right then, let's just skip to the ending. What did you guys think of Thirty Hs?

Dave: i dunno man. theres some cool stuff in it, but there's only so much insanity one can take in. its like... i don't think its bad writing or good writing because i dont think its writing at all. its just some schizophrenic guy barfing words onto the page and throwing the word 'rape' in a couple times. what did you think karakt?

Karkat: I ABSOLUTELY LOATH THIS WORK WITH THE BURNING PASSION OF A THOUSAND SUNS.

Dave: really? i thought you'd like it because it's all angry and shit. 

Karkat: I GET ANGRY BECAUSE I HAVE A LOT OF THINGS TO BE ANGRY ABOUT, LIKE MY CRAPPY LIFE, MY SO-CALLED "FRIENDS", OR JUST MY OWN SELF-LOATHING. THIS STORY IS ANGRY ALL RIGHT, BUT THAT ANGER ISN'T DIRECTED ANYWHERE. YEAH A BUNCH OF HARRY POTTER CHARACTERS GET KILLED OFF IN DUMB WAYS, BUT IT COMES ACROSS LESS AS BEING ANGRY WITH THE CANON AND MORE LIKE A JUVENILE ATTEMPT TO BE "EDGY".

Jake: That's... actually rather eloquent. I'm impressed.

Karkat: DON'T GET USED TO IT.

Jake: As for me, i kind of agree with strider, but for different reasons. Thirty H's is not a story you're supposed to "like", it's a a story that supposed to shock and offend the audience. And on that note it succeeds admirably. And while it would seam that the addition of gags and shout-outs would hurt the underlying idea of trying to torture the audience, it actually makes them pay more attention to the fic, and read it the entire way though. A clever idea if I do say so myself.

Karkat: EITHER WAY I'M GLAD WE'RE DONE. I SWEAR IF I HAVE TO SEE ANOTHER FANFIC AGAIN I WILL...

Pinkie: Hey guys! ^0^

Karkat: *AAAAAAAAAAAAH*! *GET AWAY FROM ME*!  

Pinkie: I just wanted to ask if you guys were going back to doing Homestuck High! ^-^

Karkat: YES YES ANYTHING YOU SAY JUST DON'T EAT ME!

Pinkie: Super! See you soon guys! ^_^

Dave: wow. even by your standards that's pathetic.

Karkat: OH SHUT UP.

10 comments:

  1. Hello, this is the author. Your commentary and vilification filled me with mirth. I highly appreciate your analysis.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! It's rare to hear feedback from the authors themselves on this sort of thing!

      Say, do you think we could do an interview? I'm actually kind of curious as to what inspired you to write this in the first place.

      Delete
  2. Replies
    1. Cool. Do you want to do it by email, or over skype?

      Delete
  3. Just email your skype name to me at ed.robot@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  4. There's an eighth chapter just written recently.

    http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2554200/8/HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

    ReplyDelete
  5. Aw, your spellcheck engine went away for this ‘episode’. How disappointing.

    You need another comma after 'This' if you want to be incorrectly correct. As I've stated, you've gotten Jake's quirk so wrong it makes me question if you even bothered to check and make sure you're doing it correctly (Dave's quirk as well for that matter). Jake also doesn't maintain a superfluous stream of existentially gargantuan words, he just uses more antiquated ones.

    Oh hey look! ANOTHER meme pulled of fucking FLAWLESSLY by the majestic overlord of satirical comments and wit-encrusted chortle-heavy banter.

    Karkat has gone from being ‘bland’ to being ‘fandom Karkat’ without all of the swears. Are you allergic to cuss words?

    Oh no there’s a cuss word! I was starting to worry for a little bit. Hey, Gamzee uses some later too! How absolutely SHOCKING.

    Oh snap, DAVE is trying to hop on the meme train as well! Choo choo! All aboard the chucklefuck train! Next stop, asshat junction!

    Aw shit, looks like you finally remembered this was supposed to be Homestuck! Nice ‘subtle’ usage of ‘jegus’ over there, mate.

    I think that your ‘reality TV’ joke might be the cleverest one you’ve ever made. Well… fuck. It’s all downhill from here!

    OH HEY LOOK IT’S GAMZEE way to instantly characterize him as an asshole stoner. As a quick aside, when Gamzee became sober, he rejected his slime completely, as it rotted his thinkpan. As such, if you are attempting to be true to canon, Gamzee should NOT want the MOTHERFUCKING HERETICAL JUICES that enslaved his pan through the SWISS-CHEESED SHAPED CUFFS OF SUBJUGULATION that so plagued him for years. Caliborn is also his messiah, so he would not wish to kill him whatsoever, especially not for the fucking slime. He ALSO fucking despises Dave, so you’re striking out on all accounts. You also stated that CALLIOPE took the sopor stash (BECAUSE SHE LIKES TO GET HIGH (LOL COMEDY COMEDY LOLOLOL)). Wow, he showed up for only FOUR lines and I think he may be the most out of character person as of yet.

    Karkat is steadily approaching that title, however, with a distinct lack of overly elaborate metaphors and behavior like that of a petulant child. Well done.

    Fucking fantastic, the other fandoms are back. God FUCKING damn it. Oh, and now you’re referencing one of the most infamous fanfictions within that fandom; wow, I can REALLY tell you care.

    You didn’t. You fucking didn’t. You fucking used a god damned reaction image in the middle of the cuntfaced ass sniffing ‘episode’. What the hell?

    GREAT JOB USING A YOUTUBE LINK IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR EPISODE. JUST FANTASTIC. YEAH YOU’RE SO COOL WOW.

    You remembered it was Homestuck again! Huzzah for ‘gog’!

    Karkat is horribly out of character and only superseded in that department by Gamzee, Dave is out of character and bland, and Jake is the MOST in-character but still manages to be out of character in that you’re having him use all of these large words when he should be using more antiquated words.

    If you'll excuse me, I need to go read some good fanfiction.

    ReplyDelete