Sunday, August 5, 2012

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 6


Episode 6
Homestuck High Part 5

Last time, on JEMToSRFTY3k...


Karkat Vantas: ...DID ANY OF THAT STUFF ACTUALLY HAPPEN?

Dave Strider: of course not. the producer just wanted us to have an episode recap thing. its just that nothing of importance actually happened in the last five episodes so i just took a footage from a bunch of final fantasy games and shit.

Jake English: Normally i would complain, but since i am english and this is tangentially related to dr. who i am contractually obligated to not say anything bad about it. So let us move onward to chapter 5!



It has been two weeks sence diabolo impgrenated Jade with his seed and she was in the hospitil going to give birth sence deamon babys grow quick and stuff like in twilight.

Karkat: AMAZING HOW THIS STORY MAKES A BOOK ABOUT A HALF-VAMPIRE PSYCHIC BABY FETUS FALLING IN LOVE WITH A WEREWOLF LOOK PERFECTLY REASONABLE BY COMPARISON.
She was in a lot of pain and everyone was here to cheer her on sence she was scaerd of theoutcome because demoan babys are hurtful.

Dave: wait. wernt they going to do an abortion? Jake: They were going to, but decided to chicken out at the last minute. This is mean to satirize the pro-life movments' views on how abortion is immoral under any circumstance. After all, surely no right-minded person would object to aborting the literal spawn of the devil?
Karkat: DAMN IT JAKE, STOP SAYING THINGS THAT GET RELIGIOUS PEOPLE ANGRY AT US!


Dave was ver upset be cause it was his girlfrend and he didnt like that she was wit child with another man and a deamon nontheless. John new that rose cold be next if he was not carefull and had not ben sleeping for to weeks because rose could be next.

Dave: i dont think thats really going to help.

"she is in pain" the nurse moaned sadly

Karkat: SO AM I.

"what about the baby" dave demadnded

"you mean babies" the nurse corrected "she is having triplets but they are not of natral causes!"

Everyone looked sadly at each other. Jade might not survie and the babys might take over her body.

Karkat: NOW I'M IMAGINING THAT THE BABIES ARE AT A CONTROL PANEL, PILOTING ROSE LIKE SHE WAS A MECHA FROM POWER RANGERS OR SOMETHING. *WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!?*

Dave: dont fight it. give into the madness. its allready begun. soon you will become one of us.

Jake: One of us! One of us! One of us!

Karkat: *NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!*


A doctor appeared.

Dave: time traveling police box and sonic screwdriver not included. batteries sold separately.

"she has given birth to the childs!" he announced

"they are burtn with fires of hell but the others cannot tell of the things that they will face of a lonly mothers grace" Tarvos prophisied

Karkat:
TO RECAP MY POWERS (WHICH NUMBER THREE);
I BECAME TAVROS WHEN I LOST MEMORY,
MY LEGS DETECT EVIL EVERY TIME,
AND TELL THE FUTURE THROUGH VAPID RHYME.
BUT I CANNOT DO THESE THINGS AT ALL
I HAVE NO POWERS, GREAT OR SMALL
I DOUBT THE AUTHOR EVEN READ HOMESTUCK
BEACUSE SHE IS SUCH AN IGNORANT ASSHOLE


Jake: *counts the syllables for each line* While applaud your attempt to bring a bit more culture to this review though the use of poetry, I should point out that this work of yours lacks any proper scheme or scansion. In addition-
Karkat: SHUT UP I DON'T CARE.

Dave: you know with all the mlp cameos we've been getting i half-expected that rhyming zebra chick to show up.

Zecora:
My standards are higher than you'd think
Plus my text is very hard to ink.


"THEY ARE MY SONS! NO DAM B STARD WILL CLAM THEM AS THERE OWN!" Dave ejaculats

Karkat: OKAY, NOW I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT SHE'S USING THAT WORD ON PURPOSE.

Rose took Johns hand "I feel uneasy" she quoted "soemthing is amist"

"i can feel it to" John reconziled and he kissed Rose passiontly.

Jake: *breaks out into song* Can you feel the love toniiiiiight?
Dave: dude?

Jake: Uh, sorry. I have a soft spot for disney movies.


Everyone went to see Jade and her babies there were two boys and a girl. one boy had grayish skin an wellow eyes like a demon and then the girl had daves blond hair but then the other boy...LOOKED LIKE TARVOS!

Caliborn: YOu WANT THE SHITTY TWIST? YOu CAN'T HANDLE THE SHITTY TWIST!

Karkat: OH GOG THIS GUY AGAIN.

Dave: Just ignore him and he'll go away.

Caliborn: NEVER! I AM DEATH INCARNATE! A HuRRICANE IN MORTAL FORM! A GEYSER OF ENDLESS FILTH FROM WHICH POuRS FORTH FROM THE DEPTHS OF THE... THE... ARE YOU IGNORING ME?

Jake: Did you hear something?

Dave: nope.

Caliborn: FINE, I'LL JuST TAKE MY WRATH ELSEWHERE! YOu GuYS ARE NO FuN ANYWAY. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!

Karkat: WELL AT LEAST HE'S GONE.

Dave: yeah. i mean who wants to listen to an angry space alien screaming all day?

Karkat: ...SHUT UP, DAVE.


"omg" everyone said

Dave: i guess even the other characters are starting to be desensitized to this parade of shitty plot twists.
Caliborn: DID YOu JUST SAY...........???????????

Dave: no. no we didnt.

Caliborn: OH. OKAY THEN.


"they all have different fathers" the nurse said widely "please take a shit and we will explain the circumsize."

Karkat: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE DON'T.

Dave couldnt sit down he was too angry. one of his childs were a damon and the other lookedlike his best frend! he also did not have a air for his family name! his true cchild was a girl...

Jake: More satire of course, this time of a patriarchal society, especially in china and other asian countries, where male children are still preferred over female.

Karkat: GIVEN HOW YOUR MATESPRIT CHEATED ON YOUR WITH A FUCKING DEMON, I THINK YOU HAVE BIGGER ISSUES TO WORRY ABOUT THAN YOUR FAMILY NAME.


"HOW COULD YOU TAVOS!" dave cried as tears welled in his eyes "she is my wife to be!"

"it was an accidant it happened in mcdonnald" Tarvos solmnly said.

"we did not mean it Dave!" jade weeped

Dave: thats complete bullshit. i just ran the math and even if we assume that she somehow had accidental sex with tavros aka karkat (who i should point out cannot use his legs) by accident in a public restaurant and it was the right time of the month the odds of her getting pregnant are statistically unlikely. and even if tavros is telling the truth it means at one of them has serious issues with personal space and public indecency. is that really the girl you want to marry??

"You stole my son...now i shall make you pay!" dave exclamed and left

Dave: yes. i shall make you pay by leaving the room and posting nasty things on your facebook account. that will teach you to make a cuckold out of dave strider.

Karkat: CUCKOLD?

Dave: ive been spending a lot of time around jake lately. it does wierd things to your vocabulary.


Jade cried as rosepatted her back and the babys slept. Jade was worred dave might turn to the dark side and she did not want to date a daemon!

"John" rose said suddenly "we need to make plans."

DUN DUN DUUUUN! A CLIFFIE!

Karkat: WHICH I WILL NOW JUMP OFF. GOODBYE EVERYBODY, IT WAS NICE KNOWING YOU!

Jake: Nooooooooooooooo! If you die now, then who will finish reading last three chapters?

Karkat: WAIT. I THOUGHT THERE WERE ONLY SEVEN.

Dave: the author just added a new one.

2 comments:

  1. Okay… let’s get this over with.

    The intro was not good. It was like you decided to grab clips of your favorite stuff and slide it all together in one video that barely made sense. You didn’t even bother to get clips without subtitles.

    Jake isn’t English despite his last name; at most, he MIGHT be Australian, but he probably doesn’t even have a nationality due to being raised on an island in the middle of NOWHERE with his grandmother. He’s still not in character, by the way.

    Wow, your spacing got REALLY fucked up in this chapter. I’m pretty much convinced that you actually DON’T read your stuff before posting it.

    Okay Dave is getting better while Karkat is getting worse. I’m wondering if you have a scale or something.

    Oh hey look it’s ANOTHER fucking pony. At least it’s the best one in the whole show. Seriously Zecora should get a show of her own she’s fantastic.

    Youtube links again? Can you do anything WITHOUT youtube?

    Oh shit, the meme train has THREE passengers now. Karkat is quite obviously the engineer, and he’s driving everyone straight to Shitface Avenue.

    Caliborn is still out of character. I excused it last time because he was ‘high’, but you have no excuse now.

    Okay, so; you NEED spellcheck and to read your shit before you publish it. Karkat is incredibly out of character, as is Jake; Dave is slowly crawling towards being more in character, but I doubt he’ll reach there before the latest updates. Caliborn… Caliborn is hopelessly lost to the endless sea of fandom-characterizations and honkhonkhonkhonkhonkhonks.

    I've also just noticed that I can have a name! I am now Boing-a-Loing, and shall remain that way for the remainder of my reviews. Huzzah.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ...you are one dedicated reviewer, I'll tell you that much.

      Maybe you should make an MST of my MST. And then I can MST that. And then you can MST my MST of your MST, until the entire series devolves into an endlessly recursive series of comments about previous comments.

      :D

      Delete