Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance From the Year 3000 Episode 44

This is a story all about how,

our lives nearly got flipped, turned upside-down.

I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there,

and I'll read you this story from my red easy chair.

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance From the Year 3000 Episode 43

Glorious Godfrey: IIIIIIT'S Time, for Apokalips 's favorite game: APOCKALYPSE BAAAAAAAALLLL!

*Crowd cheers*

Glorious Godfrey: Tonight we have a real treat for you; mortal from the planet earth who think they can stand up to Lord Darksied! Give it up for THE MORONS!

*Crowd boos*

Kanaya: I Hate This Planet

Porrim: And I'm sure the planet hates yo+u back.

Glorious Godfrey: Now, the rules are simple. You must either get past a labyrinth filled with the deadliest traps imaginable, and evade Darksied's mightest warriors armed with lava bats and bring your ball to the opposing team's endzone before they kill you...

Rose: Or?

Glorious Godfrey: ...or you must read this, the worst fanfiction in the universe!

Roxy: ...yeah, i think were gonna go for the ball game.

Glorious Godfrey: Well it's your funeral! Let's get ready to rumbuuuuuuuule! 

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance From the Year 3000 Episode 42

Detective Branflakes: Detective Stapler, the president is going to be here in ten minutes! Have you found any proof that the Nazi Party is funding the North American Man-Boy Love Association?

Detective Stapler I've done better than that; *punches Cronus*

Cronus: Owvwv...

Detective Stapler: This document proves that NAMBA and the Nazi Party are in fact... THE EXACT SAME ORGANIZATION!

*DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUN!*

Detective Stapler:*punches Cronus*

Cronus: Owvwv...

==============

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance From the Year 3000 Episode 41

Big Daddy: *STOMP* *STOMP* *STOMP* *STOMP*

Wolf O'Donnel: Okay, Daddy B. I think this asshole has had enough stomping.

Big Daddy: ...

Wolf O'Donnel: Yeah, you said it. That guy was one hell of a loser! Come on, let's get milkshakes and kickflips off the half-pipe!

Big Daddy: ...

*Wolf and Big Daddy Leave*

Halloweenie: Hmmm? What is THIS? Oh boy, an DEAD BODY! Now I can use the NECRONOMICON EX MORTIS, and start my own zombie army to get revenge on Jake England and those other guys for putting me in such HUMILIATING cameoes!

*Troll Phelous D1 Comes back to Life*

Troll Phelous D1: Did you say Jake English?

Halloweenie: WAAH! I thought you were dead!

Troll Phelous D1: I was, but I got better... because reasons. Now, here's what we're going to do...

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance From the Year 3000 Episode 40

Terezi: NOW TH4T MS P41NT H4S B33N 4V3NG3D W3 C4N G3T B4CK TO M4TT3R 4T H4ND: F1GUR1NG OUT TH3 TRU3 1D3NT1TY OF MON4RCH

Vriska: Oh come on, It's O8VIOUSLY Cronus. I mean he's not 8eing all that su8tle a8out it.

Monarch: Mwva ha-ha! Mwva ha-ha ha-ha! Nowv that I have my hyper death ray, I will send a message to the wvorld by destroying this Starbucks franchise wvhich by a complete coincidence Cronus Ampora (wvo is not me by the way) receivwed an justified lifetime ban from last week!

Terezi: DO3SNT M4TT3R. W3 ST1LL N33D TO DO TH1NGS BY TH3 BOOK

Vriska: Doesn't Alternian law in this sort of situation dictate hunting down the perpetrator and 8eating them to death with a rusty mallet?

Terezi: W3 ST1LL N33D 4 W4RR4NT. NO G3TT1NG 4ROUND TH4T.

Vriska: Fiiiiiiiine. We'll do it your way this time.

Terezi: L3TS ST4RT W1TH TH3 F4CTS. N3P3T4, WH4T 1S TH3 SUSP3CTS CR1M1N4L R3CORD?

Nepeta Leijoin: :33 < *shuffles papurrs* it says here that he has at least a dozen civil suits pending on sexual harassment acquired during his day job as a factory foreman. prior to his disappearance, he swore that he would, and i quote, "make every last one of you heartless bitches pay".

Vriska: Sounds like we have a motive. How about means?

Terezi: WH4T K1ND OF F4CTORY W4S H3 TH3 FOR3M4N OF?

Nepeta: :33 < a time machine factory!

Terezi: 1 GU3SS TH4T WR4PS UP TH3 C4S3 TH3N.

Nepeta: :33 < now was that really so hard?

Vriska: Eh. I guess not.

Terezi: ONLY PROBL3M 1S TH4T 1F W3 GO 4ND K1LL H1M NOW W3LL C4US3 T1M3 P4R4DOX TH4T W1LL 1N 4 B3ST C4S3 SC3N4R1O R3SULT 1N 4 DOOM3D T1M3L1N3

Vriska: Buuuuuuuuut on the plus side, that means we get to requisition as much as we want to take down his future self. And running someone over with a laser death dank is alway a good laugh. 88888888)

Nepeta: I call shotgun!

==============================

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 39

LAST TIME, ON JAKE ENGLISH'S MYSTERIOUS THEATER OF SCIENTIFIC ROMANCE FROM THE YEAR 3000.

Edrobot: Okay so you see this guy named Caius Ballad tried to destroy the timeline and Jake Karkat and Dave tried to stop him but failed but then we learned Caius he was really being mind manipulated by a fictionalized version of Tara Gilesbie, the writer of My Immortal, so everyone went to another dimension and wandered around like a bunch of idiots until they all somehow ended up in the same place and fought her and won. Then it turns out this girl named Electra Pendragon had gone back in time to stop The Great Disaster which The Monitors were worried about (oh and The Monitors are these guys who are supposed to be protecting the universe all of whom were spawned from the first Monitor from Crisis on Infinite Earths when Superboy Prime punched the continuity in Infinite Crisis, but I didn't explain that because it's not important and Grant Morrison retconned it anyway). Now you see there's these two Monitors named Bob and Solomon who are both trying to save the Multiverse, but Solomon is evil and wants to kill everyone who knows about the multiverse while Bob thinks he can save the multiverse by finding Phelous (who's this internet reviewer that I like) because the Source Wall said so. Meanwhile this time-traveling supervillain named Monarch who is totally not Cronus Ampora even though he talks just like him, and the only way to stop him is for Jake English to receive the power of Puma Man from the Secret Wizard, which he also gave to Caliborn for some reason and the Condesce gave some of that corrupted power to Jane Crocker to turn her evil as well. Oh and Caliborn is dead now because he killed Miss Paint and was gunned down by the Suicide Squad, Lant Kreck is now a Green Lantern, Rose Kanaya Roxy and Porrim are stuck on Apokolips, the devil now works for Darkseid, and I can't keep a consistent update schedule to save my life. Also Caius Ballad is a good guy now and he's trying to save the multiverse as well but it's slow going because the Monitors can't agree on anything as illustrated by the running gag from Linkara's "Countdown to Final Crisis" review.

Edrobot: You said it, protagonist from Garzy's Wing.

I have no idea who made this image. In fact I don't think anyone does.

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 38

TRIGGER WARNING: Today's featured story contains an awfully written rape scene. Do not operate pointy implements while under the influence of this fic unless you enjoy gouging your own eyes out.

Caius Ballad: Monitors. I have come from the end of time to deliver a warning; The Great Disaster soon approaches. I have traveled all of the possible timelines, and have discovered but one fact; unless you commit to an action soon, it will destroy you all.

Monitor #1: You've made your point clear, guardian. All Monitors in favor of doing something, say "aye".

Exactly Half of the Monitors: AYE!

Monitor #1: All in favor of doing nothing, say "nay".

The Other Half of the Monitors: NAY!

Monitor #1: I'm sorry to disappoint you Mister Ballad, but I'm afraid that the council is still in deadlock, twenty-five to twenty-five. Perhaps if you were to come at another time, perhaps when Bob and Solomon get back...

Caius: *Summons a black portal underneath Monitor #43, which starts to suck him in.*

Monitor #43: OH GOD THE PAIN! INSECTS, MILLIONS OF THEM, CRAWLING OVER MY SKIN! THEY'RE EATING ME ALIIIIIVE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! *DEAD*

Caius: Count again. It appears you now have a majority vote.

Monitor #1: ...I suppose that's one way to pass legislature. Very well then. Now that we've decided to do something, what is it exactly that we will do?

Monitor #41: I say we build a really, really big gun!

Monitor #32: No, I say we build a Superman robot out of pure thought!

Monitor #44: Why the hell would we do that?

Monitor #32: Why wouldn't we do that? You never know when you'll need one to fight a... I dunno, a multiverse vampire or something?

Monitor #22:  No! I've got a better idea! We can build an intergalactic portal network that we just leave around for some reason!

Montior #18: What if the gun and the superman robot were both portal networks?

Monitor #45: Yeah! That makes perfect sense!

Monitor #22: We should do my thing!

Monitor #3: Should we do his thing?

Monitor #44: We should do my thing!

Monitor #17: Should we do his thing?

Monitor #32: We should do my thing!

Caius: *facepalm*

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 37

MEANWHILE, IN DEATH VALLEY,

CALIBORN AND LUX LEXOR ARE ON A MAGICAL JOURNEY

OF SELF-DISCOVERY, WHERE THEY MUST LEARN TO OVERCOME

THEIR DIFFERENCES TO SURVIVE

Caliborn: YOu'RE SO GAAAAAY.

Lux Lexor: Shut up.

Caliborn: GAAAAAAAAAY.

Lux Lexor: Shut up.

Caliborn: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.

Lux: Xkay, first xf all I'm nxt gay, I'm 'Pansexual'. Secxnd, a hate-crush is a perfectly normal thing fxr a Trxll my ageitude tx have, even if it is with sxmexne outside my xwn species.

Caliborn: I'M SORRY I CAN'T HEAR YOu BECAuSE OF HOW GAY YOu SOuND. DID I MENTION YOu'RE GAY? BECAuSE YOu ARE. GAY. AND THAT MEANS YOu SUCK! DICK! BECAuSE YOu'RE GAY! HA HA AH AH AH AH AH AH AH!

Lux: Gxg, if xnly yxu'd just die xf a gunshxt wxund xr sxmething.

*BANG*

Calborn: *DEAD*

Lux: ...um, I mean if xnly yxu expirated due tx a millixn dxllars falling xn yxur head.

*BANG*

Lux: GAAAH! MY LEG!

The Great And Powerful Trixie: Good work, team. Thanks to my leadership, the Suicide Squad has accomplished another sucessful mission!

Sho Minamimoto = √(SOCATOA!)

Gamzee: NoW CoMe oN, wE CaN'T KeEp tHe bOsS WaItInG. sHe sAiD To cApTuRe tHeSe mOtHeRfUcKeRs dEaD Or aLiVe aNd tHaT'S JuSt wHaT We'rE GoNnA Do.

Lux: Wait, weren't yxu the judge at my trial?

Gamzee: YeAh, I'M PrEtTy mUlTiTaLeNtEd.

Lux: ...If I accused yxu xf cxrruptixn, wxuld I get a retrial? 

Gamzee: PrObAbLy nOt.

Lux: ...sx it gxes.

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 36

Monarch: people of earth! unless you surrender to my demands and delivwer to me all the money in the wvorld to me, monarch, wvho is not cronus ampora, you'll nevwer see your belovwed san francisco again! MONARCH HAS SPOKEN!

Tavros Nitram: uHH, iF WE DID THAT WOULDN'T IT BE COMPLETELY WORTHLESS BECAUSE OF SIMPLE ECONOMICS,

Monarch: HA! i, monarch, wvho is not cronus ampora, scoff at such a ludicrous suggestion that i, monarch, could be wvrong about anything! in fact, i, monarch, and not cronus ampora, nowv decree that the more plentiful something is the more it is wvorth. AND I CAN TOTALLY DO THAT BECAUSE TIME TRAVEL!

Jake English: Not so fast, monarch! Your days of violating the laws of supply and demand are over!

Monarch: finally! wvhat took you guys so long to get here?

Dave: we got stuck doing a crossover to pimp out some story the producer wrote.

Karkat: NOW WHAT'S YOUR PLAN, ANYWAY? IT'S GOING TO BE SOMETHING SELFISH AND STUPID, ISN'T IT?

Monarch: Far from it! After I conquer your pathetic planet, I will scour it for The Worlogog, an artifact that contains a microcosm of our own univwerse! Then, using it, I will travel back in time to the beginning of creation, where I wvill become a god-

Karkat: YEP. SELFISH AND STUPID, JUST LIKE I SAID.

Pinkie Pie: You and Dr. Mrs. The Monarch will never get away with this!-+-

Monarch: ...wvho?

Pinkie Pie: You know... your wife. Arn't you that guy from The Venture Brothers?

Monarch: ...wvha? NO! That's THE Monarch. I'm just Monarch. Totally different.

Pinkie: Riiiiight...

Jake: Come on, chaps! Cry havoc, and let loose the dogs of war!

Monarch: HA! But don't you see? I can nevwer be defeated as long as I havwe THIS! 

Jake: *GASP* The cliffhanger induction device!? By jove!

Monarch: Yes! Wvach helplessly, mortals, as your destinies spiral out of control before your vwery eyes!

Karkat: OH COME ON! YOU DON'T AUTOMATICALLY WIN JUST BECAUSE THE BATTLE HAPPENS OFFSCR-

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000: 1 Year Anniversary Special

Edrobot: Well it's my one-year anniversary, but I'm also writing something for Camp NaNoWriMo... Maybe I should do something special for both of them. Hm...

Reviewing...

ATLANTA NIGHTS

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 35

*The Devil is playing with little figurines that look like Pinkie Pie and Electra Pendragon*  

The Devil: "DON'T WORRY, PINKIE PIE. WITH MY HELP YOU WILL BE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PONY AT THE GRAND GALLOPING GALA." "AWW, THANK YOU, ELECTRA! LET ME GIVE YOU A BIG SLOPPY KISS!" *kissey noises*

Darkseid: Ahem.

The Devil: AHHH! LORD DARKSEID! YOU DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING, DID YOU?

Darkseid: No, I did not see you playing with your dolls again, if that's what you mean.

The Devil: GOOD! SO, UH, WHAT'S UP?

Darkseid: Are all my preperations in order?

The Devil: YES. MONARCH HAS BEEN DISPATCHED, THE MONITORS ARE OCCUPIED, AND A THIRD PARTY IS READY TO RELEASE THE BEAST.

Darkseid: And the seige of New Genesis?

The Devil: IT'S ALL HAPPENING OFFSCREEN, JUST AS YOU WISHED, LORD DARKSEID. 

Darkseid: Good. You are dismissed, Lucifer.

The Devil: UH, SURE THING, BOSS. I'LL JUST GET GOING NOW...

Darkseid: ...Finally, I thought he would never leave. *picks up figurines of Opal Edwards and Electra Pendragon* Now where were we. Oh yes... "Oh electra, it is so very cool that you saved me from that killer shark; it's too bad your boyfriend Lant died." "Oh that's okay, I just discovered that I am a lesbian today." "Really? So am I!" "Let's make out!" *kissey noises*

-----------------

Karkat: I DON'T GET IT, HOW THE HELL ARE YOU BEATING ME WITH MISTER GAME AND WATCH?!

Dave: i dunno. maybe you should play someone on a higher tier than ganondorf. 

Karkat: NO WAY YOU'RE GOING TO TRICK ME INTO GIVING UP MY FAVORITE CHARACTER!

Dave: whatever dude. its your funeral.

Cronus: hey there all you cool cats, wvhat's happenin'?

Jake: We had the day off, so we're playing super smash brothers.

Cronus: i dig, i dig... ya know i'm actually pretty good at that game myself. howv about you newvbies let me join, so you can see how a REAL pro does things.

Karkat: NO. NOBODY LIKES YOU.

Cronus: ...wvhy not?

Karkat: BECAUSE YOU'RE A LAME PICKUP ARTIST WHO WEARS AN UNPLEASANTLY FAKE PERSONALITY AND IS ALSO INCREDIBLY CLASSIST. 

Jake: Also we only have four controllers.

Karkat: EVEN PINKIE PIE DOESN'T LIKE YOU, AND SHE HAS SOMETHING NICE TO SAY ABOUT EVERYONE.

Cronus: get outta town.

Karkat: NO, SERIOUSLY. WATCH THIS: HEY PINKIE, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT ERIDAN?

Pinkie: I think he's a real snappy dresser! ^-^

Karkat: HOW ABOUT CALIBORN?

Pinkie: That guy really knows how to laugh! ^-^

Karkat: AND ELECTRA? 

Pinkie: She's awfully competitive... but grandma pie always said; you won't get anywhere just by standing around! ^-^

Karkat: THEN WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT CRONUS?

Pinkie: Uh... I really like his mane? @_@

Cronus: *tsk*, you're breakin' my heart, vwantas. and here i thought wve wvere friends...

Dave: have you guys even talked to each other up till now??

Karkat: NO, AND I INTEND TO KEEP IT THAT WAY. GOODBY, CRONUS.

Cronus: now that's just mean. but tell you wvhat, i'll be wvilling to forgivwe you if you'd just-

Karkat: GOODBY, CRONUS.

Cronus: but i'm a really nice guy if you just get to-

Karkat: GOODBY, CRONUS.

Cronus: ...okay that is the LAST strawv. i am sick and tired of being treated like a joke by the land-dwvellers and mutants that i've been REDUCED to associating wvith. man, someday i swvear if i become a crazy supervwillain i'm going to conquer the future and then go back in time and conquer the world again just to make your life a livwing hell.

Karkat: GOODBY, CRONUS.

Cronus: *nyeh* i'm outta here, land dwvellers!

Dave: that guy has issues.

Jake: You can say that again...

Jane Crocker: Guys! Some evil supervillain from the future named Monarch has gone back in time to try to conquer the present!

Jake: Good golly! What a sudden and shocking turn of events that is completely unrelated to our dealings with cronus!

Karkat: GREAT, JUST WHAT WE NEEDED. ANOTHER AMBITIOUS, OVERPOWERED FREAK WITH ACCESS TO TIME TRAVEL.

Jane: But that's not all! Someone else has gone on a murderous rampage! And his first victim... was MS. PAINT!

Jake: The bastard! Don't worry, Crocker; you have my word that we won't let these vagabonds commit crimes wantonly any further!

Karkat: I'LL GET TEREZI ON THE HOMICIDE CASE AND WE'LL HANDLE THE SUPERVILLAIN. WE'RE GOOD AT THAT SORT OF THING.

Pinkie: Aaaaad-VENTURE TIME! ^0^

Jake: Do want to come along, Jane? We could always use a fifth wheel.

Jane: Uh... I'm not sure. Compare to all the stuff you've been through lately, I've been feeling a bit left behind on the power curve... :(

Jake: Well, can't say we didn't ask. Tally ho, everyone!

Karkat: YEAH YEAH.

Dave: whatever.

Pinkie: Weeeeeee! ^0^

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 34

???: Ballad... I see you have returned to your old ways. Is attempted destruction of the timeline not enough for you?

Caius Ballad: You have no need to fear me, Monitor. I have made a warrior's oath to return to my duties as guardian of time. In fact, I am here for the same reason you are; to uncover the key to The Great Disaster.

???: ...Very well. I have already witnessed The Wall's answer, and it is meaningless to me. Perhaps you might shed a bit more light on the answer's meaning.

Paddra Nsu-Yeul: The wall... it speaks!

*A series of letters written in 100-foot tall flames appear in front of the Source Wall*

Caius: Let me see; P...H...E...L... oh you've got to be kidding me.

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 33

Alfred Smith: (Great work, Electra! We made it into the citadel without being spotted!) *STOP*

Electra Pendragon: (Was there ever any doubt?)

Lant Kreck: (Yes. But that's not important right now)

Alfred: (Correct. Now that we're inside, we need to work in the shadows to find a way to stop the Prophet Gilesbie's plan from succeeding. You have your watches synchronized?)

Electra: (Yep.)

Lant: (Affirmative.)

Alfred: (Good. Operation "Balamb Garden" is now-)

Dirk: Yo.

Alfred: EEK! *leaps into Electra's arms, whereupon she just drops him* Oh, wait. Dirk, Jade, it's you! How did you get here? Where's Troll Phelous?

Dirk: Long story, I'll explain later.

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 32

Previous | Next

======At the JEMToSR3K boardroom ======

Edrobot: What?! What do you mean you're not going to kill off Troll Phelous Something Something D1?!

The Devil: IT'S LIKE THE KIDS SAID. NOBODY CARES ABOUT HIM, SO HIS DEATH WOULD BE COMPLETELY MEANINGLESS.

Edrobot: Nooo! How else am I going to show that the stakes are now higher than ever?!

The Devil: YOU COULD ALWAYS HAVE ME KILL AN ACTUALLY POPULAR CHARACTER.

Edrobot: I guess I could do that and bring him back as a cyborg in the next season...

The Devil: YEAH ABOUT THAT. MY CONTRACT SAYS THAT IF I GET TO KILL SOMEONE, THAT PERSON HAS TO STAY DEAD FOREVER.

Edrobot: Oh. Well what about-

The Devil: NO YOU CAN'T INTRODUCE A CLONE.

Edrobot: Then how about-

The Devil: NO TWIN SIBLINGS.

Edrobot:  But what if we-

The Devil: OR CHANGELING DOPPELGANGERS.

Edrobot: Well fuck.

The Devil: SO, WHAT'S IT GONNA BE THEN, BOSS?

Edrobot: *sigh* all right, here's what you're going to do.

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 31

Previous | Next

Jake: Well chaps, it looks like smooth sailing from here!

*and then The Devil from dinosaur comics appeared in front of them somehow*

Jake: Oh poppycock.

The Devil: OH HEY GUYS. YOU'RE REVIEWING HELLSTORM EVANGELION TODAY?

Dave: well we are now.

The Devil: GREAT! DID YOU KNOW I WAS CONSULTED FOR THIS FIC, AND I GAVE THE AUTHOR A LOT OF ADVICE ABOUT MY CHARACTER.

Karkat: THAT EXPLAINS A LOT.

The Devil: YEP. OH YEAH, AND I NEED TO KILL OFF A RECURRING CHARACTER TODAY. THE EXECUTIVES THINK IT'LL BOOST OUR SHOW'S RAITINGS.

Karkat: EXECUTIVES? WHAT EXECUTIVES?

=====MEANWHILE=====

*Edrobot is sitting in an empy room, wearing a suit and talking to a Tonberry plush.*

Edrobot: Okay guys, our company's reputation is down the tubes. What do we do?

*listens to Tonberry plush.*

Edrobot: What? Always-on DRM and Microtransations? Brilliant idea, Berthold! You always come up with the best ideas!

=================

Karkat: NEVERMIND.

Jake English's Mysterious Theater of Scientific Romance from the Year 3000 Episode 30

Grunt #3087: Kill the demons! Kill the- *gets shot to death a bajillion times*

Gaz: Looks like last of em. 

Lux Lexor: Finally... my pxditries are just killing me...

Sho Minamimoto = √( Looks can be deceving. You never know when there's a hidden factor involved.)

Gaz: Yep. Trixie, you and math boy scout on ahead while I look for a power source. Idiot, you into that abandoned building over there and search for supplied.

Lux: Questixn: Why are yxu calling me an idixt?

The Great and Powerful Trixe: Because you are one. 

Lux: Fair enxugh.